First Pat Riley handed Shawn Marion cab fare and a one-way plane ticket to Toronto in order to acquire Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal -- on the books for only $23 million next season! -- and now the New Orleans Hornets are shipping Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for The Expiring Contracts of Joe Smith and Chris Wilcox. Awesome.

And in case you were wondering: Yes, it's a salary dump. According to Marc Stein: "With a payroll at nearly $67 million this season and scheduled to reach almost $77 million next season, New Orleans felt it had to part with Chandler before Thursday's 3 p.m. trading deadline regardless, even though dealing away the 26-year-old almost certainly takes the Hornets out of serious playoff contention in the West."

No word yet on how Chris Paul feels about the move -- chances are he's too busy throwing up in his own mouth to comment -- but David West is NOT a fan: "I don't know if that's somebody we can afford to lose. So I'm not sold on that idea. You just don't find a 7-foot-1 athlete like that and he's the only 7-footer we have. Especially if we're planning on making a run into the playoffs, we're going to need size to compete with Portland, San Antonio and the Lakers. I'm not sure that would help us." It won't, David. It wasn't meant to. In related news, following a rainbow will not lead you to a leprechaun's magical pot of gold.

Great move for the Thunder, though, assuming Chandler ever gets healthy. I know the Thunder Cats have been an ongoing punchline around these parts, but seriously, with the way Kevin Durant is developing, they might be only another year or two away from actual mediocrity, even competence. Which is more sweet torment for the denizens of Seattle. The only way those poor people could receive a more thorough cornholing would be if the Thunder won a title within the next five years. Don't laugh. It could happen. Just ask Cleveland Browns fans.

Also, some people have been asking what I think about the Marion-for-O'Neal trade. Simply put: Very little. The Drain won't make Miami any better until the summer of 2010...when his contract comes off the books. Besides, he's already played, what, 41 games this season? He's almost reached his 50-game quota, after which his total value is reduced by exactly one Jermaine O'Neal plus a Jamal Tinsley. (Could Chris Quinn be this year's Jamal Tinsley? Stay tuned.) The move will give Michael Beasley some room to grow, though, since he's likely to take over Marion's spot in the starting lineup. And he's the future, whereas Marion was a placeholder. So there's that.

As for Toronto, well, they'd have to start running the ball for Marion to have an appreciable impact. (Trading for Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire and then bringing in Mike D'Antoni to coach would help, too.) Some people believe Marion could be the do-everything guy that the Craptors have needed, but isn't that sort of what the Heat thought when they got him? And with O'Neal gone, who's going to guard the big boys? 'Cause you know Chris Bosh doesn't want that job. On the upside, Marion's contract expires this summer, which will allow the Craptors to pursue top-notch free agents like Allen Iverson, Ron Artest, Rasheed Wallace, Jason Kidd, Mike Bibby, Drew Gooden.... So, you know, they're totally screwed.

Meaningless trade update: The Boston Celtics are sending Sam Cassell to the Sacramento Kings, otherwise known as Suburb B of Basketball Hell. In return, the Celtics will receive a future second-round pick they will never, under any circumstances, actually use. This, of course, on-ups Detroit's trade of Alex Acker to the Clippers for the right to swap future second-rounders they won't use either.

Labels: Chris Wilcox, Joe Smith, Sam Cassell, trades, Tyson Chandler

With Sam Cassell's musty corpse decomposing at the end of the Boston Celtics' bench, other NBA players have tried -- and failed, pretty miserably -- to carry on Sam-I-Am's tradition of performing The Big Balls Dance after hitting a clutch shot. Most notably, Kobe Bryant and Andre Iguodala (and Mamba did it twice). In all three cases, the opposing team came back and hit a clutchier shot to win the game. Busted.

Discussion of these hilarious failures uncovered what was, to me, a rather startling fact: Cassell may have pioneered use of The Big Balls Dance in the NBA, but he didn't invent it. No, indeed, the inventor of the BBD was first performed in 1994 by fictional baseball player Pedro Cerrano in Major League II. Many thanks to Wild Yams for discovering this and providing the following video. Also thanks to Bateman's Legal Counsel for pointing out that Pedro didn't actually invent the dance. Said BLC: "I think it was a signature move of a teammate who used it to motivate Pedro when he was slumping. I think he was...Asian. I mean, he was talking in some weird language; I think it was...Asian." The teammates name was Tanaka. Watch it:

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Big Balls Dance, Kobe Bryant, Major League II, Sam Cassell

Michael Jordan: The Bobcats' part owner was back in his courtside seat for a second straight game after a two-week absence. Active. Involved. Interested. None of these words describe Michael Jordan The Owner.

Al Jefferson: Big Al was strong on the glass (9 rebounds) and actually played a little interior defense for a change (6 blocked shots), but he let his team down on the offensve end, where he shot 3-for-11 and finished with only 8 points...13 below his season average. Said Jefferson: "They're doing a great job of just acting like they're going and stunting. It's messing me up." Uh...can anybody translate that from Big Al to English for me?

Jason Collins: The line: Zero points (0-for-1), 1 rebound, 1 block against and 4 personal fouls in 13 minutes and 13 seconds. Truly some unlucky numbers. And mind you, HE IS MINNESOTA'S STARTING CENTER. It was Jason's fourth scoreless game in 10 appearances this season. He's also shooting only 24 percent on the year, despite the fact that 99 percent of his shots are taken within a foot of the basket. And this isn't just a rough start because of his offseason golf cart injury (and no I'm not making that up): Last season, he went off for zero points in 33 out of 74 games, including one stretch in which he scored zero points 12 times in 15 games while STARTING for the Nets. That's a real waste of seven feet worth if height.

Kevin Love: 10 points and 8 boards is pretty good for a rookie, but kinda sad when compared to O.J. Mayo's recent 30-point explosions. That sound you hear? It's Kevin McHale. Weeping.

The Larry Brown Kool-Aid: The Bobcats are on fire, having won three of their last five games, and Charlotte's players are lovin' Larry because of it. Jason Richardson, who had a game-high 25 points, said: "It's pretty difficult because there are so many demanding things that he wants you to do. But we're a team that's willing to learn, was ready to listen and looking for something different. We still don’t have everything down, but the things we're doing are heading toward it." Emeka Okafor, who finished with a season-high 24 points on 9-of-14 shooting, said: "That's his history with teams. When he first comes in it takes some time to adjust. There's a learning curve. Once everybody learns it, people get going."

Now, it might be worth pointing out that those three wins came against the slumping 76ers, the always-ready-to-give-up-a-lead Pacers, and sadsack Timberwolves. But whatever. It's cute that they 'Cats think they're "getting it." However, if Okafor's talking about Brown's history, he should probably also mention that things usually end ugly.

Adam Morrison: Wanna see Adam getting posterized? Well, here you go. Morrison also got flushed on by Rashad McCants (who apparently McCan dunk on Adam). In fact, if you check out his Yahoo Profile, there are seven pictures of Adam: Two of him getting dunked on, two of him getting shot over, and three of him committing a foul. Including one foul that's inexplicably described as Morrison getting dunked on by Luke Ridnour (who's not even in the picture). Good times.

The Orlando Magic defense: I know they're the Boston Celtics and everything, but the Magic sure didn't do a very good job of staying in front of anybody. The C's shot 60 percent in the first quarter and 54 percent for the game. Paul Pierce shredded them for 17 points in the third quarter. Said Stan Van Gundy: "We didn't do a very good job on the pick and rolls in the second half. I think more than anything it was a problem with our schemes and preparation." Hmm. Now, Stan, remind me again: Who's responsible for the schemes and preparation?

Anthony Johnson, excuse machine: The Magic were without their starting backcourt last night: Jameer Nelson missed his fourth straight game with a hip flexor and Mickael Pietrus is on injured reserve with a torn right thumb ligament. This caused Johnson to offer the following observation: "Yeah, they smacked us tonight. But with two healthy squads I feel very good." Right. Well, uh, sorry, Anthony, but while I admit having those guys back would make the team better, I'm still not sure you guys are one Jameer Nelson and Mickael Pietrus from being better than (or even as good as) the Celtics. But I'm glad you'd feel very good. That's something.

Bob Delaney, David Guthrie, Gary Zielinski: Things got a little wacky at the Garden last night as the refs demanded that everyone present respect their authori-tah. I'll let Basketbawful reader Garron take this one: "The officiating crew last night was weird. The calls were fine, but technicals were everywhere. Eight were called in total, four by referee Bob Delaney. In fact, during a timeout Delane called a double technical on Sam Cassell, who was just sitting at the end of the bench and had to be sent out. Still no word on what actually happened. Then during the next timeout there was a technical called on Rondo...in the MIDDLE of a timeout while Rondo was in the huddle. Other weird technicals were called on Stan Van Gundy (for arguing a call) and Rashard lewis who, after making a very difficult behind the backboard circus shot, pumped his fist in the air."

When asked why he received his technical, Rondo said: "I don't know. Everyone got a technical." Added Doc Rivers: "This was one interesting game. A lot of technicals. I better be quiet before I get a technical." Now, regarding Same Cassell...

Sam Cassell: Sam now has more technicals (2) and ejections (1) than minutes played (zero). Last night, he was apparently bounced from the bench for complaining about a foul that David Guthrie called on Perkins. Said Rivers: "I told him he took a bullet for me, because I thought it was on me and I wasn't saying anything, so I was upset. I think they were trying to clean the game up. There was a lot of complaining going on. Unfortunately, when that's happening, the first guy who talks gets the tech. And Sam was that guy."

Cleaning up the game is one thing. Last night's techfest was a big much. Anyway, on the subject of Sam I Am, he decided to weigh in on the whole Stephon Marbury Fiasco going on in New York. Cassell thinks the whole deal is "bad for the league" and believes (like just about everybody else) that the Knicks need to get 'er done with regards to cutting Starbury loose. Said Sam: "They really need to get that thing resolved. It doesn't look good for both parties. Steph wants to play and he's better than the guys playing ahead of him. I don't understand it."

Uhm...not sure about that "better than the guys playing ahead of him" part, Sam. But I'm totally with you on the rest of it.

Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings registered two minutes, a missed shot, and a suck differential of +1. Not a bad night's work...for Jason Collins. And check out Scal's Yahoo Profile: The lone picture is of him getting scored on by Jamal Crawford. Even in his own world, he's the "other guy" in the poster.

And now, as an added bonus, Brian's theme song:


The Golden State Warriors: At this point, the Warriors are inventing new and fascinating ways to lose on an almost nightly basis. If only they could use their amazing creative powers to cure cancer or develop a truly everlasting Gob Stopper. Or, you know, win a game.

Last night -- the Warriors' seventh straight defeat, by the way -- the Golden Staters blew the game in a variety of ways. First, they let Udonis Haslem score off an offensive rebound/putback at the buzzer to send the game to overtime. (And that was only one of several second-chance buckets the Warriors surrendered.)

The Warriors were leading by 3 points with less than 10 seconds left in OT when Chris Quinn hit a tying three-pointer at the 7.1-seconds left mark. Michael Beasley then stole the ensuing inbounds pass, got fouled and made the game-winning free throw. Gah. Said Don Nelson: "Well it was a whale of a game, wasn't it? We sure gave it away at the end. Couple of breakdowns just at the wrong time. I thought we had the game won. It will be a hard loss to get over." Don't worry. I'm sure Nellie was feeling better by the fifth or sixth post-game beer. Anyway, I can hardly let this one go without giving a WotN mention to...

Andris Biedrins: He had 17 points (7-for-10), 15 rebounds and only 2 turnovers. However, the second turnover was the inbounds pass that was snatched by Beasley and cost Golden State the victory. Good job, Andris.

Dwyane Wade's butter-soaked fingers: Pookie was once again magnificent -- 37 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists -- but, as usual, he had trouble holding onto the rock and finished with a game-high 7 turnovers. Fittingly, this allowed him to take back the lead in turnovers per game from Golden State's Stephen Jackson (who had 4 last night). Currently, Wade is averaging a league-worst 4.0 TOs per game while Captain Jack is averaging 3.9. I think this is going to be a season-long battle, folks. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Quote machinery and stat cursery: Basketbawful reader Garron informs me that one of the Warriors broadcasters made the following quip last night: "Timeout miami. 125-123 to the Warriors. First to play defense wins." However, according to the official game log, after that timeout Ronny Turiaf blocked Dwyane Wade's shot...and the Warriors went on to lose anyway. Ergo, Golden State got stat cursed by their own commentator. Whoops.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba advised Donnie Walsh not to buy out Stephon Marbury's contract. Said Mamba: "Don't give in to Steph's demands. Make him beg."

Labels: Al Jefferson, Brian Scalabrine, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Kevin Love, Larry Brown, Sam Cassell, theme songs, Worst of the Night

I understand why the butt slap happens. I don't approve of it, but I understand it. What I can't comprehend, though, is the lingering and strangely intimate "resting my hand lightly-yet-lovingly on your ass." At first I thought that Sam couldn't bear to watch such a warm display of man-loving. But it's obvious to me now that he was just jealous. After all, KG hasn't touched his butt like tht since 2003...

Labels: Boston Celtics, James Posey, Kevin Garnett, man love, Sam Cassell

How does Sam Cassell support the weight of his giant balls? (Other than the occasional self-adjustment, that is.) The answer: By letting Celtics strength and conditioning coach Bryan Doo (real name) stretch him out, of course! Could Bryan possibly look any more excited? And could Sam look any more...not excited? Remember what Bobby Knight says, Sam: If stretching is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.

You can thank Basketbawful reader Alex Hopper for today's hunka hunka burnin' man love.

Labels: Boston Celtics, man love, Sam Cassell

The Friday Night Trillionaire Club: Here's a little something from Basketbawful reader Vinny Gorgeous: "Sean Williams was the club's charter member of the evening, bringing two trillion to the table. He was quickly bested, however, by Mardy Collins, who dropped four trillion down like it was nothing. And things were cool for awhile until Mike James and Ryan Bowen showed up with two and one trillion apiece. Bowen, upset about his smaller trillion, immediately threw elbows at James when the refs weren't looking and got away with it! I mean whatthehellrefslookatBowen'scheapshotti...but I digress. Evevntually Acie Law IV wandered in, dejected 'cause coach kept him in 63 seconds too long. He woulda been able to add a really cool 'IV' to his resume, but he'll have to settle for five trillion. And the last comer of the night, Dominic McGuire, appeared with a measly two trillion, though he commented that the guy begging for change on the front steps and calling himself Ryan should stop complaining about having one personal foul and nothing else in 4 minutes...this ain't the hundred-million club, son."

Ben Wallace: Okay. I'm starting to think that Big Ben has Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome, which is that disease where people age at a hyper-accelerated rate. Or maybe he's aging in time-lapse photography. I don't know. But the way he got helped off the floor on Saturday, I can't see him making much of a difference come playoff time. Or ever again, for that matter.

The Chicago Bulls crowd: We were at the United Center for the Bucks/Bulls game on Saturday night, and what we heard wasn't pretty. Or maybe I should have put that "what we didn't hear." The only time the crowd got even remotely excited was during the free giveaways the team runs during timeouts. When the game was actually being played, it was like sitting in a library, only without the occasional rustle of turning pages. Look, people. Free taco excitement is supposed to enhance the game, not replace it. It's official: Bulls fans have stopped caring and are in "Wait 'Till Next Year" mode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to redeem my free Big Mac.

Damon Stoudemire: Check out his game log. It's depressing. Like grandma eating cat food depressing. There's nothing quite like a case of championship piggyback.

DeSagana Diop: Okay. I officially admit that the Jason Kidd trade was a panic move that isn't working out, but are the critics ready to acknowledge that the Diop throw-in wasn't the huge mistake that everybody said it was? His weekend line was: 2 games, 12 minutes, zero points, 0-for-2 shooting, 6 rebounds, 2 turnovers, 3 fouls. Oh, and if he's such a defensive stopper -- remember, he was the guy people said was gonna stop Tim Duncan -- why didn't the Nets throw him at Amare Stoudemire (33 points, 15 rebounds) on Saturday?

Don Nelson's rotation: Man, and I thought Mike D'Antoni was running his players into the ground. If the Warriors end up making the playoffs, they're going to be totally exhausted. It's a good thing they don't play defense. On the bright side, Austin Croshere had a two trillion against the Mavs on Sunday.

Drew Gooden: Gotham's newest superhero must have swallowed some Kryptonite this weekend. First he struggled (4-for-10, 4 turnovers) in a loss to the Hawks and then he sat out of Saturday's matchup with the Bucks due to an abdominal strain. If you ask me, the Basketball Gods struck him down for throwing LeBron under the bus last week.

Kobe Bryant: I didn't watch his "LEEEEEEROY JENKINS" game against Memphis on Friday, but I did receive a flurry of irate text messages from my buddy Craig from The Association, who was at the game. Now, Craig is as big a Kobe/Lakers fan as you're likely to find on the Interweb, and I'm not sure whether that makes him more honest or more reactionary, but here's a sampling of his blistering diatribe. "It's the 2005-06 Kobe all over again!" "1-on-5 every time downcourt!" "Pass the ball Kobe!" So on and so forth. The final numbers: 53 points, 37 shots, 17 three-point attempts, 1 assist, and a three-point loss to the 19-win Grizzlies. Kobe Apologists will probably blame injuries or possibly DJ Mbenga (+/- score of -18), but MVPs don't freeze out their teammates, even if their teammates have stone hands. And you'll note that the Lakers won on Sunday night when Kobe starting passing the ball...

Golden State Warriors: If they end up missing the playoffs, that loss to the Nuggets is going to haunt them.

Jason Kapono: Here's some insight from Basketbawful reader and Raptors fan Josh Budd: "Jason Kapono, earning his $24 million contract over the past 4 games (see game log). This is our 'big' free-agent signing. Jamario Moon is making $427,000, on the other hand. What does this all mean? We REALLY need a SF." For the record, Kapono has scored zero points on 0-for-8 shooting, with nary a three-point attempt in that bunch of missed shots, over that four-game stretch. Seriously, I don't know what's going on with the Raptors these days.

Lakers medical staff: Hm. Some very good points. Very good points.

LeBron James: This guy has been owning the Pistons since last year's playoffs. Well, after Saturday's poopersized performance (13 points, 4-for-17, 5 turnovers), ownership has officially changed hands. For now.

Memphis Grizzlies: I'm not going to get on these guys too hard, because frankly, a 1-1 weekend is a huge success for them. But I still find it kind of amusing that they sweated out 53 points from Kobe Bryant to beat the Lakers in L.A. only to fall to the Clippers by double-digits one night later.

Miami Heat: Look, I'm happy all those D-League guys are getting a chance, and I can tell they're working their butts off. Seriously. But still...this is some ugly basketball, huh? Against the Celtics, they shot 28 percent and hit only 17 field goals, which set a new NBA record for fewest made shots in a game. When Miami plays, it's always Brick O'Clock.

Mike James: What a weekend. He had a two trillion against the Celtics on Friday (as noted above) and followed that up with a five trillion against the Raptors on Sunday. And mind you, those performances come on the heels of three consecutive DNP-CDs. Can you believe this guy was putting up 20 PPG two seasons ago? No, he really was.

NBA.com proofreaders: Did you know that Carlos Boozer ranks first in triple-doubles this season with 50?! It's true. Go check his regular season ranks. Man, 50 triple-doubles...that's got to be a record or something, right? Many thanks to Basketbawful reader chinoy316 for the heads up.

New Jersey Nets: They're sort of unexpected playoff drive hit a roadblock in Indiana. They must have used I-65. Then Shaq hit 7-for-10 from the foul line against them in a home loss to the Suns, which is the NBA equivalent of God poking his head out of the clouds and saying, "Nope. It's not gonna happen. Forget about it."

Portland Trailblazers: Without Brandon Roy, they look like, well, the Grizzlies. What a shame that the team is wasting the best stretch of Joel Przybilla's career. Right now, Vanilla Godzilla could grab 10 rebounds while picking up a pack of gum at Walgreens. The saddest part of that is, Joel is probably going to be back to getting reserve minutes next season, which seems a trifle unfair. But it's not like you really have to choose between Przybill and Greg Oden.

Trady McGrady: Well, I'm not well-versed in APBRmetrics, but I'm pretty sure scoring 13 points on 22 shots is bad. That is still bad, right? Or am I missing something?

Sam Cassell: Sam-I-Ain't got three seconds -- yes, three seconds -- of playing time in Boston's 20-point blowout of the Hornets. When did Cassell become Mario West? I promise you this is not why Sam came to Beantown.

Utah Jazz: Why can't they win on the road? Why?! I think Jerry Sloan is going too easy on these guys. I think Larry Miller needs to bring in Patches O'Houlihan. Because if you can take a wrench to the face, you can win on the road.

Wally Szczerbiak: Wow. I really hope we find out after the season that he was playing with a handful of broken fingers. Maybe that would explain his misdirected shooting.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Kobe Bryant, Memphis Grizzlies, New Jersey Nets, Sam Cassell, Tracy McGrady, trillionaire club, Utah Jazz

Craig Sager: He's the reason I got out of bed on my day off to do a post. If you watched the Celtics/Mavericks game and looked closely enough during the Sager segments, you might have noticed that his handkerchief had a little, multi-colored tiger head on it. Fully exposed, in fact, so it's clear that Sager wanted it seen. I'll wait for you to stop shuddering. Okay. Now, I spent almost 20 minutes scouring the Internet for designer hankies with brightly-colored tiger faces on them and came up with nothing. Maybe it's because I spent 18 of those minutes actually searching for "Gwen Stefani in bikini," or maybe it's because Sager has one of those bubble-headed Area 51 aliens locked in his basement sewing space clothes for him to wear to work. The world may never know.

Of course, Sager's suits are a weekly source of discussion and entertainment for basketball fans who watch The NBA on TNT. Sager gets mentioned here every once in a while, like when Baron Davis laughed at Craig's ugly suit du Semaine, or when Steve Nash stole his hanky to give Amare Stoudemire a wipedown. A common question I get asked in e-mails and the comments section is, "Why does Sager wear those nasty suits?" I've never answered before because I always assumed the question was rhetorical. I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? Sager's zoot suits almost always get a cheap laugh and they are the only interesting thing about his sideline reports. Think about it. Can you think of one thing that Sager "the reporter" has ever said or done that was even remotely memorable? Okay, that time he pre-announced Reggie Miller's retirement, which caused Reggie to freak out on him, was pretty funny. But that's it. Getting made fun of by Kevin Garnett is the only reason we want to see Sager, isn't it?

Chicago Bulls: The Bulls played poorly -- 37 percent shooting, 18 percent in threes, 16 turnovers, and a 102-80 home blowout by the Spurs -- but that's nothing new. Not this season, anyway. The real problem, for me, was that the Bulls just kind of rolled over and died. Jim Boylan did what any other good lame-duck coach would do and blamed himself: "We just did not have our enthusiasm the way it needed to be. I have to be honest and say I did not have us ready to play. I will shoulder that responsibility." While it's nice and all that he was willing to literally take one for the team, and while I agree that a coach needs to be able to motivate his squad, I wouldn't be so quick to lay this turd pile at Boylan's feet. The Bulls haven't had much enthusiasm all year. That joy deficit got Scott Skiles fired, and it's going to doom Boylan too (I give it about a day or two after the regular season ends). At what point are the players going to choose to turn things around? After the game, Ben Gordan said, "We've been inconsistent all year. I can't say I'm surprised by the effort tonight." If that's not a player who's already planning his summer vacation, I don't know what is. And Gordan's attitude pretty much sums up everything you need to know about the 2007-08 Chicago Bulls: They know they suck, but they either can't or won't do anything to change it.

Ernie Johnson: He tried to make a big deal about the fact that, the last time the Lakers played in Utah, the Delta Center crowd -- yes, I refuse to call it the EnergySolutions Arena -- booed Derek Fisher, who had been last year's playoff hero. Johnson of course pulled the sympathy card and claimed that the only reason Fish had nulled his contract with the Jazz was because he wanted to move to a city where his daughter could get treatment for her eye cancer condition. He followed his explanation with a short video of Fisher saying how getting booed had felt very personal. How could those bastard Utah fans do such a thing?! Kudos to Charles Barkley for once again telling it like it is: Fisher could have gone a lot of places to ensure his daughter had adequate treatment, but the reality is he wanted to play for the Lakers. That means he was willing to forsake the Jazz for one of their bitterest rivals. What are the fans supposed to do? Send him a fruit basket?

Jason Kidd: Is it just me, or does it feel like Kidd's scoring ability has gone way past the point of no return? I thought he'd get some better, easier looks in Dallas -- which he is -- and that he'd start knocking some of them down -- but he isn't. Kidd's latest ham-handed shooting performance saw him score 2 points on 1-for-8 shooting. And mind you, it was reported during the game that Kidd showed up three hours early to work on his shooting with Dallas assistant coach Mario Elie. I can only assume that extra practice helped him be 1-for-8 instead of 0-for-8. Since the trade, the Mavs' ball movement has been better but Kidd's inability to put the ball in the hoop is killing them. They traded one problem for another and, for now, it seems like they're just sort of dog-paddling in place. Which I guess is better than sinking altogether, but still...

Dirk Nowitzki: I'm not going to bust on Dirk for failing again in the clutch. Instead I'm going to rag on out how he did it. Dirk missed a layup with 21 seconds left that could have tied the game. The reason Herr Nowitzki missed is that, on the drive, he received a little nudge from Kevin Garnett. Instead of focusing on trying to complete the play, Dirk intentionally fell sideways a little in what I'm assuming was an attempt to get a whistle. This, of course, is the exact opposite of how he blew the game versus the Lakers, when he deftly avoided a flying Lamar Odom to put up a crazy, off-balance three. The two situations were different, and he handled each one incorrectly. If he would have let Odom fly into him on the shot attempt, he would have gotten the call. No question. But the refs won't call a bump foul on drives at the end of a tight game. They just won't. Which is why Dirk should have ignored the contact and concentrated on hitting the layup.

Rajon Rondo and Sam Cassell: Rondo had zero points on 0-for-7 shooting and committed 5 turnovers. He was benched in favor of Sam Cassell, who performed only marginally better by scoring 4 points on 1-for-9 shooting and having three of his shots fed back to him. Rondo's shooting touch comes and goes, but he usually makes up for his alligator arms with a little fiesty scrapping. However, there was neither fiest nor scrap from Rondo last night. And as for Sam-I-Am, well, it's clear that he's not 100 percent comfortable within Boston's system, and he's not used to being an off-the-bench roleplayer. He's forcing things offensively, although he's playing better than expected defensively (he got a clean block on Jerry Stackhouse that shocked the hell out of me). It's a concern. Not a full-fledged "Orlando Magic backcourt" level concern, but it's something for Doc Rivers to keep an eye on.

Paul Pierce: I'm not letting Pierce off the hook just because the Celtics won. With a little less than two minutes to go and the Celtics leading 88-87, Pierce bricked a couple freethrows that would have given Boston a three-point lead (I know, I'm a real math wiz). Dallas took the lead on their very next possession thanks to a couple Nowitzki freethrows. Of course, a few possessions later, Ray Allen hit the go-ahead three to put the C's on top, but if he hadn't hit it, Pierce would have been The Goat.

Utah Jazz: Not to take anything away from the Lakers, because they came out focused and ready, but the Jazz seemed to decided en masse not to play any defense until the second quarter, by which time they were already down 20. And last time I checked, spotting good teams a 20-point lead doesn't lead to many wins. The SportsCenter guys got a real kick out of Utah's tissue-paperesque D, showing clip after clip of Lakers strolling to the basket for uncontested layups and saying that the Jazz "could best be described as conscientious objectors on defense." It was weird. I always expect a little more toughness out of a Jerry Sloan team.

Update!! Reuters caption writers: This Worst of the Night nomination comes from Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse: "WotN: The guy at Reuters responsible for writing the caption to this picture. I understand that the '1' on Ronny Turiaf's uniform is obscured, but how does anyone mistake Turiaf for Derek Fisher? Especially when he's dunking authoritatively?"

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Craig Sager, Dirk Nowitzki, Ernie Johnson, Jason Kidd, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo, Sam Cassell, Utah Jazz

Mario West: From Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse. "West posted 2 points and 1 rebound in two minutes of action (not lacktion, for once!), but pointlessly extended the game by poking the ball out-of-bounds on two occasions with under 20 seconds left, when all the Magic were trying to do was inbound the ball so they could run the clock out. Dude, everyone in the arena wants to go home! Give up! Of course, if I were an NBA player struggling to earn more than 40 seconds of playing time a night for the Atlanta freaking Hawks, I'd probably do everything I could to stay on the floor, too."

Dwight Howard: More from Mr. Rock. "Dwight lead the Magic with 26 points and 16 rebounds, but he padded his rebound total by snatching balls away from his teammates, including Hedo Turkoglu, who at the time of one Dwight-swipe was just one rebound away from his second career triple-double. Turk eventually got that elusive tenth rebound, but he shouldn't have had to wait that long." Ben even provided this image of Superman bogarting a board from his frontcourt mate. Even Hedo didn't think he was going to get the last rebound he needed for the triple-double. "Not when you've got to battle Dwight Howard to get it. I kept telling Dwight I only needed one, but he's the No. 1 rebounder in the league and it's hard to get one off him."

One last note: Howard almost killed Zaza Pachulia during one rebound battle. That dude is serious about rebounding.

John Hollinger: In his review of the Bulls/Cavs/Sonics trade, Hollinger made it seem as if Cleveland GM Danny Ferry was making off like some kind of cartoon bandit: "This one works, big time. Answer me this: Would you rather have Hughes (12.0 player efficiency rating) or Szczerbiak (16.0)? Brown (8.5) or West (10.1)? Marshall (8.5) or Wallace (12.1)? Gooden (12.8) or Smith (17.4)?"

I thought this assessment was a wee bit bogus, mostly because Hollinger fiddled somewhat with the comparisons. After all, juxtaposing the PER of Shannon Brown and Delonte West didn't seem particularly fair, considering that Brown had appeared - and briefly - in only 15 games while West had played in 35 and gotten more minutes. Furthermore, Marshall was a seldom-used reserve who had made a mere 11 cameo appearances for the Cavs, whereas Ben Wallace was a starter who had played 50 games at a rate of more than 32 minutes per. And wouldn't Wallace versus Drew Gooden had make a better one-for-one comparison anyway? I guess what I'm saying is that, at the time, if felt as though Hollinger arranged the player matchoffs so he could use his PER numbers to support his "Cleveland won this one" argument.

But here's a little post-script to Hollinger's "This one works, big time" declaration. Wally's PER has plummetted from 15.8 to 9.1 while Larry Hughes' has soared from 11.8 to 15.3. Wallace's has dropped from 12.0 to 10.9 while Drew Gooden's has gone from 12.7 to 15.0. So, based solely on the PER numbers, does this mean that Hollinger was wrong, big time? I'll be interested to see whether he has anything to say on the subject.

Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak: Big Ben - or "Big Bum" if you follow the Chicago newspapers - scored zero points (0-for-4) and grabbed 5 rebounds before leaving the game with back spasms, a common malady among the elderly. Meanwhile, Wally World played 27 sizzling minutes, scoring 8 points (2-for-5) to go along with 2 rebounds and an assist. Szczerbiak is now shooting 32 percent since the trade, which is roughly equal to Larry Hughes' post-trade shooting numbers.

Jarrett Jack and James Jones: The play of these two guys, Jones especially, is absolutely critical to the Blazers' success. So it's not surprising - considering their combination of 6 points on 1-for-12 shooting - that Portland scored only 80 points in a tough loss.

Sam Cassell's Boston debut: This is what the Celtics have been waiting all season for? Sam-I-Am went scoreless (0-for-2), committed a couple of turnovers, and got whistled for 4 fouls in 5 entirely unimpressive minutes. But Sam's not sweating it. "My timing is off. Not knowing the sets, not knowing where to go on the court is tough. I know I’ll play more than 5 minutes. I'm not even worried about it."

Josh Powell and Quinton Ross: These guys started last night for the Clippers, and they both with scoreless (0-for-8) in a combined 42 minutes of lacktion. And Mario West is pissed about it.

Pat Riley: Why did it take Riles so long to shut Wade down for the year? Seriously, he should have done it 10 or 15 games ago, at least. Of course, Heat fans - assuming there are any left - can't be all that excited about the prospect of watching Ricky Davis get 15-to-20 shots a game for the rest of the season. But hey, maybe Shawn Marion will actually learn how to create his own shot over that time.

New Jersey Nets: Yeah, I know they caught the wrong team at the wrong time. The Rockets are clearly peaking right now. But still: 30 percent field goal shooting, zero percent three-point shooting, only 12 assists. Ugly. Very, very ugly.

Vince Carter and Devin Harris: These two men are the future of the franchise. And that might be a big problem. Vince scored 13 points on 5-for-15 shooting. Harris scored 10 on 3-for-10 shooting and dished out one lonely assist. I feel the need to point these things out again: Vince is not a franchise player, and Harris is not a point guard - he's a two-guard trapped in a point guard's body.

Nate Robinson: Last night's 2-for-14 shooting performance is a sure sign that he won't be scoring 45 again any time soon. Unless, you know, he shows up to my Wednesday night pickup league. And maybe not even then.

Isiah Thomas: Dude is so ready to be fired. Not only did he get booed on the road again, he answered only one question in his postgame press conference - and it was about Jason Kidd - before running out the door without a word. Here is the full text of Isiah's postgame commentary, in case you're interested: "[Kidd] gets them out in transition. He gets them a lot of easy baskets. In that first quarter, every time we missed a shot - we came out cold - and every time we missed a shot, it was a fast-break layup, and everything was initiated by Kidd. He's a great player." This transcript does not include the sound of footsteps or a slamming door, but it could.

Chris Duhon: Remember how Duhon got fined and suspended for one game for missing the Bulls' Sunday morning shootaround and then basically said he didn't care? And then we all found out that he'd overslept because he'd flown to North Carolina on Saturday night to attend the Duke/North Carolina game? You might wonder why a professional basketball player who's already on the verge of being out of the league in a couple of months would do something so stupid. Well, now we know: "I wanted to go to a place where I felt comfortable and be around people who can boost my self-esteem." Wow. Hey Chris, I hope that little ego-boost is worth standing in an unemployment line this summer. For the record, Duhon is making $3.2 million this season. I don't know about you, but making that kind of green in a single year would go a long way toward raising this man's self-esteem. So John Paxson, if you're reading this, not only am I available but I also know how to set an alarm clock. Call me.

Mark Cuban: He has banned "bloggers" from the Mavericks' locker room. Ironically enough, the announcement was made on his blog. This is, of course, a response to the "Fire Avery Johnson" campaign. A petulant and immature response, but a response nonetheless. And this isn't the first time Cuban has given the stink-eye to a blogger. Why does Cuban hate bloggers so much, when he, himself, is a blogger? Is this a sign of some festering self-hatred? Let's hope so.

Now you face Doom! Dr. Doom took over my NBA Closer column today. Read it. Or else Doom won't be happy. And you really want him to be happy.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chris Duhon, Dwight Howard, Isiah Thomas, John Hollinger, New Jersey Nets, Pat Riley, Sam Cassell, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak

Okay. I have to admit, when I read that Shaq called Steve Nash on the phone and said, "I will not let you down," it gave me chills. Now that I've had a day to calm down, my glass is half full of Shaq. I still don't think it was the best move Steve Kerr could have made this season -- why didn't he go after KG last summer?! -- but Shaq, old and lame though he may seem, still brings a few things to the table. Hey, the Lakers won two championships in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's final three seasons, and they might have gone for three in a row if Magic Johnson and Byron Scott hadn't gotten injured during the 1989 NBA Finals. And most of the criticisms aimed at Shaq -- namely that he can't keep up with the Suns' fast break, that he's lost his explodability around the basket, and that he's a slow-footed, ham-handed liability on defense -- were all levied against Kareem 20 years ago.

I'm not saying it's going to work, only that, under the right set of now-or-never circumstances, it can work. And whether you want the Suns to succeed or fail, the trade sure makes them a hell of a lot more interesting to watch...which is really saying something considering that they were already the most exciting offensive team in the league.

I do have one little mea culpa from yesterday's post. I referred to Shaq as "fat" not once, but twice. Upon further review of his most recent pictures, I came to the following realization: Shaq isn't fat. In fact, he's probably as svelte as he's been since his early days with the Lakers. So why did I bust on The Big Daddy's not-so-big-anymore waisteline? Well, first and foremost, it's an easy joke. It's like putting a midget or a monkey in a comedy movie; you know, something that's used for a quick, cheap laugh. But there's more to it than that. Like many sports fans, I sometimes struggle with the concept of a player's athletic mortality. When Michael Jordan unretired (again) to play for the Wizards, there were people -- though they were few -- who believed, or perhaps wanted to believe, that Mike could still throw one down from the freethrow line if he really wanted to. It's that same type of person that, even if they won't admit it out loud, still kind of believes that, at any time, Shaq might burst out of his shell and drop one of those signature 35-point, 20-rebound games on some hapless opponent (probably Erick Dampier).

But the reality is, barring an exposure to Cosmic Rays or an injection of Captain America's Super Soldier Serum, Shaq won't ever have another 30/20 game. As a fan, it's hard to let go of that memory of greatness. So, you know, we make excuses. Shaq is fat. He's not in shape. He's faking an injury. He's not motivated. We want to believe that it is these self-imposed obstacles, and not the ravages of time, that have robbed us of the Mighty Shaq of old.

But it's not. We all decline with age. But that doesn't mean we become useless. Just ask Kareem. And the Suns proved last night against the Hornets that, even without Marion, they can score with anybody. And if Shaq can stay healthy and add the one or two things the Suns need...anything can happen.

Now, on to the Worst of the Night.

Kobe Bryant: The Black Mamba shot 4-for-16 and committed a critical turnover with 8 seconds left that helped secure the Lakers' 98-95 defeat by the Hawks.

Pau Gasol: He struggled on offense (5-for-14) and couldn't keep Al Horford (15 points, 20 rebounds) out of the paint.

Mario West: The good news: He actually got a full minute of playing time! The bad news: He scored a one trillion. Wah-waaaaaaah.

Carlos Arroyo: Uh, is he injured or something? Did he bang Stan Van Gundy's daughter? Because the Magic's starting point guard played only 5 minutes against the Nets, scoring zero points (0-for-2) and committing a turnover.

Marcus Williams: With Jason Collins gone, perhaps Williams can fill the "Most Statistically Worthless Net" role. Last night's one trillion was a good start.

Washington Wizards: There's no shame in losing to the defending champs, but it was Washington's fifth loss in as many games. The Wiz dropped to .500 (24-24) and their offense is calcifying (35 percent shooting last night). They need Caron Butler, and they really need Gilbert Arenas.

Isiah Thomas: His Knicks are 14-35 -- the fourth-worst record in the league -- and they've lost seven games in a row. But according to the Baby-faced Assassin, the Knicks are improving. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." And that, my friends, is what we like to call denial.

Travis Diener: The Pacers' starting point guard scored 2 points on 1-for-7 shooting. Plus -- and I know this shows a shocking lack of maturity on my part -- his last name always makes me think "Wiener."

Jason Williams: I guess it just wasn't a good night for starting point guards. Williams scored zero points (0-for-4) and had only 2 assists in 27 minutes. On the up side, he had more blocked shots (1) than both Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph.

Sam Cassell: Memo to Sam-I-Am: If you want to be a Celtic, beating up their starting point guard is not the way to go about it. Rajon Rondo (24 points, 10-for-13 shooting) was embarrassing his counterpart so badly that Cassell bloodied his nose and fouled him flagrantly enough to get tossed out of the game.

DeSegana Diop: He had zero points and 1 rebound in 5 minutes, which is the exact same output Juwan Howard had in only 3 minutes. Mr. Intangible has become Mr. Invisible.

Jarron Collins: Zero-for-everything in exactly 16 seconds of playing time. The Collins family must be so proud.

J.R. Smith: The game of one-upsmanship between Jerry Sloan and George Karl continues. After watching Sloan embarrass his player with 16 seconds of PT, Karl yanked Smith after only 3 seconds. Top that, Jerry!

Steve Nash: The Nashty One showed off his point guardy brilliance with 32 points and 12 assists. You know there's a "but" coming, right? Well, his spotty-at-best defense uncorked Chris Paul (42 points, 9 assists, 8 steals) and his 10 turnovers gave him his second career triple bumble.

Brian Skinner: I've been campaigning so hard for Mike D'Antoni to give this guy more minutes that a couple people have emailed me asking if I'm his agent. Well, I'm not. And after Skinner's zero-point (0-for-2), 1-rebound performance (in 14 minutes) against the Hornets, I'm done questioning D'Antoni's rotation. (For now.)

Aaron Gray: After the Bulls big man scored 14 points in 18 minutes against the Sonics, all the local papers annointed him "The Answer" for Chicago's low-post scoring woes. One Chicago sports writer who shall remain nameless even went so far to predict that Gray would eat Joel Przybilla alive when the Bulls faced the Blazers. Well, Gray's zero points and zero rebounds in 3 minutes of action only answer the question "Who was the Bulls' worst player last night?"

Sacramento Kings: Ever since their top three players returned from injury, the Kings have gotten a lot of buzz as a potential first round playoff darkhorse. Me? I don't see it. And after they got hammered by 13 at home to the league's third-worst team, you shouldn't see it either.

Calling all geeks: The Pricess Bride Edition of the NBA Closer is up at Deadspin.

Labels: Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Sacramento Kings, Sam Cassell, Shaq, Steve Nash, Washington Wizards