As we reflect upon the sudden retirement of the distinguished benchwarmer that is Scal himself...

The Basketball Jones offers up a nice photo essay on his comic, but ultimately successful career.  MORE RINGS THAN MALONE AND STOCKTON AND BARKLEY I TELL YOU

After all, one has to admire the dedication and jumpsuit-wearing skills it takes to get a ring while looking exactly like this:


Good luck in your future endeavors, you renaissance man you.

Labels: Brian Scalabrine, Brian Scalabrine looks like a gigantic oompa loompa, lacktion, retirement

For those of you who have conniptions whenever I have accidentally said "World Champions" in reference to a given NBA champion basketball team, keep in mind BRIAN SCALABRINE is the second-best scorer on his team in Italy. Yeah, yeah, I know there are far better international teams than the one he's playing on, but...just sayin'.

And not for nuthin, the word "Scalabrine" rolls off the Italian tongue as if it were meant to...well, I guess that's an Italian name, so that would make sense.

SCALABRINI MAGNIFICO!



Maybe someday soon Scal will give a press conference like this in fluent Italian, while eating gelato?



And while we're in Italy, might as well revisit the classic Bawful / ET Italy trip...

Labels: Brian Scalabrine, Italy

There will be no Worst of the Night post, folks. There were only two games, both pretty good, and I'm suffering All-Star break letdown.

Instead, here's a different sort of treat. The RedEye -- a free daily publication put out by the Chicago Tribune -- ran a story in which various members of the Chicago Bulls recount the tale of their first dunk. And, in case you've forgotten, Brian Scalabrine and Kyle Korver both play for the Bulls.

And so...

Labels: Brian Scalabrine, dunks, Kyle Korver

Doesn't get much more bawful than this, folks
There is one thing that I absolutely, positively must share with you today. Bawful e-mailed me a video that has recently gone viral, even though it actually was apparently from a couple years ago. I don't care when it was filmed -- it is still friggin' awesome and required viewing for anybody who reads this blog. (Note: technically not really required viewing. We won't somehow ban you from reading our blog or something. We may, however, force you to watch an endless loop of the terrible Sixers-Cavaliers game that BadDave so awesomely described earlier today)


This guy is livin' on a prayer, and perhaps large quantities of illegal drugs
Hard to top that, but we'll press onward. To pretty much nobody's surprise, Wade Phillips has been fired after the Dallas Cowboys spent the first half of the NFL season defining "footbawful." The best part of it? Wade Phillips didn't get the news until long after it had already been posted on Twitter. I can absolutely envision a befuddled Wade Phillips staring awkwardly at his computer screen for twenty minutes before Jerry Jones called him to reiterate the point. You know, kind of like this. (Thank you Deadspin for posting this and saving me the trouble of hitting up Google Image Search as I had initially planned when I began writing this section!)

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:


Big Baby isn't copping a feel; he just confused and thought Ray Allen was a giant candy bar

Rick Carlisle's second job as a male model for business suits does not appear to be going well

Scalabrine FTW! Why did Boston ever trade him again???

Okay, Subway's subliminal advertising is getting out of hand

Umm...

"Stop! Don't score on us anymore! Please!"

I can't believe it took us this long to get our first high-flying jumpkick picture of the season

"I told the vendor I wanted peanuts, not Arenas' nuts!"

Nationally Televised Games:
Warriors at Craptors, NBA TV, 7pm: Funny how Don Nelson leaves, and suddenly the Warriors becomes infinitely less sucky. Well, actually I guess it's not so much funny as it is predictable. Meanwhile, why in the hell is this game on NBA TV? Who is watching this game, honestly? People who have lost their remote controls and don't want to stand up to turn off the television?

All The Other Games:
Hawks at Magic, 7pm: If the Hawks by some minor miracle manage to beat the superior Magic, it would be nice revenge for last season's playoff exit, but it would also be the first time the Hawks opened a season 5-0 on the road since 1967. You know, when they were based in St. Louis. That's pretty amazing. Good thing we don't have to dwell on that much longer since the Magic will probably roll over them.

Spurs at Bobcats, 7pm: In the dozen games that the Bobcats have played against the Spurs, they have averaged 82 points per game. Eighty two. I think it's safe to say the Spurs own the Bobcats. They probably have a sweet certificate of ownership and everything.

Nuggets at Bulls, 8pm: The Nuggets have been forced to play some serious small ball lately thanks to injuries, and they've responded with two straight victories. That being said, don't get too excited. One of those wins was against the Clippers, and the other was an abberration game where they hit 13 of 21 treys, kinda like the Knicks did to the Bulls the other night. So guess who they get to play now? The Bulls! I'm sure this will end well.

By the way Bulls fans, I have good news: A Brian Scalabrine statue is not in the works.

Suns at Grizzlies, 8pm: This is the second time in four days that the Care Bears get a dose of the Phoenix Suns, and that last game went to double OT. How do you top that? We better see at least triple overtime, and at least one interview where Turkoglu merely utters "Ball." (In reality, Suns are on the second night of a back to back and on the road, complete with Turkoglu becoming Turkododo as always. This does not bode well, friends.)

Celtics at Mavericks, 8:30pm: I'd just like to point out that Rajon Rondo's averaging nearly 15 assists and 3 steals per game at this point to go with his 11ppg. Damn. That is all.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Brian Scalabrine, Glen "Big Baby" Davis

Sorry it's been a few days since the last post in this series.

I also apologize for skipping the 2006-07 San Antonio Spurs. There just wasn't anybody in that group who really stood out as a Worst NBA Champion. And I spent literally minutes thinking about it. You know, between reading picking out bellybutton lint and Googling "Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus."

So since I copped out on naming the worst winner from the '07 Spurs, I am handing out the ultra-rare co-Worst NBA Champion award to Brian Scalabrine and Scot Pollard. Because we hear at Basketbawful take our quotas very seriously.

These fine examples of the inequites of human life appeared in a grand total of 70 games for the 2007-08 Boston Celtics (22 for Samurai Scot and 48 for the Ginger Ninja). Scal logged more minutes (517 to 173) but Pollard was the better shooter (52% to 30%). And although the raw numbers put Brian (1.8 PPG, 1.6 RPG) and Scot (1.8 PPG, 1.7 RPG) in a statistical dead heat, Pollard had the higher PER (8.7 to 5.7). They both finished the season with 0.6 Win Shares.

But enough about the regular season. With all due respect to Jim Mora, let's talk about playoffs. And that's where these two men have something in common. You know, besides their stunning whiteness and strangely similar Wikipedia pictures. They both logged exactly zero postseason minutes for the '08 Celtics.

Zero. Zilch. Nada.

"But Basketbawful," you say, "Didn't the Celtics beat the Lakers by 39 points in the series clincher? Surely Brian and Scot made at least a cameo appearance."

Nope. They were both left off Boston's playoff roster.

Of course, that didn't stop Scalabrine from showing off his ring with impunity:

Ring count: Brian Scalabrine 1. Charles Barkley, Dominique Wilkins,Elgin Baylor, John Stockton, Karl Malone and Patrick Ewing 0.
Ditto for Pollard. Warning: Don't look too closely at Craig Sager's freaky thumbnail:


But I'm gonna go ahead and give Scal and Pollard 1a. and 1b. status, respectively. Brian earned it. With this post-championship press conference:


When Brian Scalabrine becomes the voice of victory, something has gone horribly wrong.

Anyway, Pollard went out on top, retiring after his one and only title. Scalabrine hung on for a couple seasons, but the summer of 2010 -- during which Darko "Manna From Heaven" Milicic got a $20 million contract -- left Brian jobless.

And here we are.

Pollard is best known for bad hair, telling kids to do drugs on live TV, and inciting Cheryl Miller into her infamous "ballahz around the world" speech. Meanwhile, according to ESPN's Tom Haberstroh, Scalabrine is the worst player in Celtics history.

But they have rings.

Labels: Brian Scalabrine, Brian Scalabrine looks like a gigantic oompa loompa, Scot Pollard

"Oh!"
What a weekend! And in particular, what a Sunday! Tim Clark won The Players Championship for his first ever PGA Tour title (which means he can stop being referred to as the most successful golfer to have never won a tournament). Dallas Braden pitched the 19th perfect game in MLB history. Rajon Rondo made The Leap and is finally being recognized as one of the league's best young talents. Steve Nash proved that depth perception is overrated. And I only got to see a few minutes of each piece of sports history thanks to family all getting together to celebrate Mother's Day. Don't get me wrong, Mom, I love you, but the timing of this really sucked.

If you can somehow peel yourself away from the video of Rajon Rondo racking Varejao squarely in the man region with a flying basketball, you ought to watch this video that was posted on Deadspin this morning:


Scalabrine high five... DENIED.
Worst of the Night in Pictures:

(Spins wheel) "Left foot on... blue!"

Dancin' LeBron does a variation on The Robot

KG does not approve

Aww, how sweet!

What's going on with the Spurs' guards? Did they have some Fizzy Lifting Drink?

While the Celtics throw basketballs at the opposition's man region to slow them down, the Hawks take a more direct approach

If you knew nothing about basketball, you'd laugh in my face if I told you this guy dominated the Spurs

A four pack of Stan Van Gundy comedy!
All The Games:
Magic at Hawks - TNT, 8:00pm
Magic lead series 3-0

Al Horford commenting on the current state of Atlanta team chemistry: "It's OK. At times, it can be really good. Other times, not so good. There are ups and down. We have a lot of good guys on the team. We mesh to a certain extent. I just think sometimes, when things don't go our way, everybody seems to crawl into their own little hole."

Jeez. Way to waste all of your talent, Hawks. Since somebody's going to dearly overpay for Joe Johnson next season, it'll be interesting to see what happens to this trainwreck team. In the meantime, however, break out the broom, 'cause the Hawks are about to get swept.

Lakers at Jazz - TNT, 10:30pm
Lakers lead series 3-0

The Jazz keep trying to make this series interesting, but are just delaying the inevitable. It's really annoying to get my hopes up, then piss them all away in the last minute or two of the game, guys. Either win one, or just get this crap done so we can move on to the conference finals. Thanks in advance.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Brian Scalabrine, Stan Van Gundy

Man love

Awkward man love

"You're doing it wrong" man love

Andrei Kirilenko is one ugly dude. That is all.

Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too

Stan Van Gundy professes his love for Subway's $5 footlongs
(No, really, he wants five of them)

EXTREME CLOSEUP!!

The last person I saw use this expression was the "two weeks" woman in Total Recall

Nationally Televised Games:
Lakers at Crabs: Kobe versus LeBron in prime time on the East coast? In a possible revenge game after the Christmas Day beatdown full of flying foam fingers? David Stern's already throwing out old business cards and stuff to make room in his wallet, 'cause this game is money.

Clippers at Nuggets: LA's Other Team on national TV? David Stern is cleaning out his toilet to make room, 'cause this game is shit. (Actually, serious revenge game possibilities here as well: the Nuggets lost to the Clippers the last time they played, and that's certain to rile up some anger in anybody)

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Brian Scalabrine, Cleveland Cavaliers, Denver Nuggets, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers

Jack Sikma (left) and Elston Turner (right) have greatly differing reactions when Rick Adelman (center) wonders "Is Rick Adelman gonna have to choke a bitch?"

Friday night man love

If you wondered how the Celtics lost to the Magic, I'm sure this had something to do with it

Larry Brown threatens to tickle the hell out of his team with The Claw unless they get their act together

(Kinda Sorta) Nationally Televised Games:

Wizards Generals at Spurs - It's on NBA TV. I don't get this channel, despite having Insight Cable's sports package and HD package. What the hell? Then again, Insight also doesn't offer the NHL channel, or the NHL season pass. And it carries Versus, but NOT in high definition. Oh well, I'm not missing much in this game. The Wizards General against the old and creaky and severely injured Spurs? Really? This is your "national" TV broadcast for the day, Commish Stern?

All the other games:

Knicks at Nyets - A 2-7 team on the road against a 0-12 team. This is where basketball goes to die. This makes the Washington at San Antonio game look appealing. And since the Knicks had the smarts to tell Iverson to get lost, I don't even feel all that confident about the Nyets having a shot at their first win today. I do have confidence, however, that we'll have something to say about this game come Monday morning!

76ers at Crabs - Both teams are on the second night of back-to-backs. Both teams had to travel immediately after playing hard-fought games. And King Crab hasn't scored 30 points against this Philadelphia team in seven games. The odds are pretty good that this will be a painful game to watch.

Hawks at Hornets - This is actually a compelling game. Atlanta is on the road in a back-to-back against a fresh Hornets team that won its last game against Phoenix. It's still looking like the Hawks are for real this year, but this game isn't sounding very good for them. The Hornets last loss was against this very Hawks team. Revenge game, anyone?

Bucks at Grizzlies - Did you know the Grizzlies are on a three game winning streak now that they're cured of The Cancer? Did you know that nobody really cares since it's freaking Memphis? Same goes for Milwaukee being 7-3 so far. Who knew? Oh, and this is yet another game where two teams coming off back-to-backs, which usually is not good for anybody, including the fans. Thank God Memphis and Milwaukee don't have many fans to let down.

Kings at Rockets - The Kings are fresh off a two point loss to the Mavs, and the Rockets are fresh off a two point loss to the Hawks. This game will either be really good, or really, really horrendous. There is nothing in-between. Fun fact: the Kings have won four of six since Kevin Martin was injured. I hate to sound like a broken record (especially since that phrase is so dated), but I'm just sayin'...

Bulls at Nuggets - Okay, so I was a little off on my prediction last night on that Nuggets/Clippers game. The Clippers weren't who we thought they were, for at least one night. Show of hands: who honestly expected the Nuggets to get thoroughly handled by the freakin' Clippers? Embarrassing. While the Bulls will be on fresh legs, could we see the Nuggets trying a little extra hard tonight to gain back some respect? And we all remember their last game, when Brad Miller's last-second shot was ruled to be after the last second.

Pistons at Jazz - Detroit has dropped three straight games. Utah's won three of its past four, losing only to Cleveland. The Jazz have won eight straight games against the Pistons. Throw in the fact that they're on the road, and things don't look so hot for Detroit tonight (or at all this year).

Timberwolves at Blazers - Oh my God. The Wolves are just a bawful team. Their only win was their season-opener against the Nyets, and they're now on an 11-game losing streak. Do you really need me to say anything else about this game?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Brian Scalabrine, God the Nyets suck, man love, NBA TV, Rick Adelman

Seriously, doesn't it look like Doug Collins ispimping Ronnie Price out to some dirty old man?
The Washington Wizards: Sure, it would be easy to give the Wizards a mulligan on this one. I mean, the defending champs are on a hot streak -- 13 in a row and counting -- so losing to them was sort of expected. That said...the Wiz lost by 34. At home. They shot 43 percent and had more turnovers (22) than assists (16). Meanwhile, Boston singed their forearm hair off with 56 percent shooting (and 53 percent from distance) and beat them bloody on the boards (41-26). The Celtics also had seven players in double figures, and Big Baby almost had a double-double (9 points, 7 rebounds). Brian Scalabrine played most of the fourth quarter.

Remember: This is, essentially, the same Washington team that showed so much spunk last year. They were, in fact, the only team in the league to beat the Celtics three times during the regular season. And now? The Wiz are 4-16, which matches the 1966-67 Baltimore Bullets for the worst start in franchise history. That's some historic fail right there.


Mind you, I almost mentioned the Wizards in yesterday's Worst of the Night because they traded FOR Mike James, the shoot-first point guard whom Byron Scott didn't trust to play the three or four minutes a game that Chris Paul sits out. The so-called Amityville Scorer, who's something of a homeless man's Gilbert Arenas, played 10 minutes, shot 0-for-6, and finished with a point, an assist, a steal and a foul. But I'm sure he just needs time to adjust to Ed Tapscott's system. That and some kind of magic potion that can transform him into a real NBA player. Oh, and here's a bonus picture of James getting the ball knocked away by Big Baby. That's right: James has regressed to the point where he isn't faster and more mobile than Glen Davis.

I know there's a lot of Big Baby to get around,Mike, but you should still be able to do it.
Speaking of that trade, TehJay pointed out that Javaris Crittenton played 6 minutes last night, contributing 4 turnovers and nothing else. Added TehJay: "Washington got a steal with this trade!"

Also, here's a question for the Basketbawful faithful: Are the Cavs, Celtics and Lakers just incredibly awesome or does the rest of the league just kinda suck this season? I'm leaning toward the latter. Discuss.

Brian Scalabrine: Here's a gold nugget from the AP game notes: "Rivers put in the players at the end of his bench for most of the fourth quarter, and what was left of the sellout crowd of 20,173 kept chanting reserve forward Brian Scalabrine's last name, apparently hoping to see him score, or at least shoot. He put up his one and only attempt with 3 seconds left -- and it was blocked." I promise you I'm not ghost writing for the AP under the pseudonym "Howard Fendrich." As far as you know. For the record, it was JaVale McGee who decided to ego-ectomize Scal on that final play. It's just like John Kreese said: We do not train to be merciful here. Mercy is for the weak. A man confronts you, he is the enemy. An enemy deserves no mercy.

Here's another bonus pic. The caption: "Brian Scalabrine of the Boston Celtics plays a game with a child from Boston Medical Center during a Boston Celtics Holiday Party on December 9, 2008 at the Dick's Last Resort in Boston, Massachusetts." Have you ever seen someone look so bewildered during a game of Jenga?

Jeez, Brian. It's Jenga, not rocket science.
The Dallas Mavericks: They barely held off the Bobcats in Dallas. Woo hoo! Yes, that's sarcasm. Worse is that Charlotte was missing Gerald Wallace (who has not returned to the team following the death of his grandmother) and just traded away their leading scorer, therefore they were playing with a bench so short that Adam Morrison logged 20 minutes...and scored 9 points on 4-for-6 shooting. I'm not going to bother to check, but I'm guessing that's a season-high for the 'Stache. Said 'Cats coach Larry Brown: "We played a lot of guys who've never really played before." Which, of course, is Larry's passive-aggressive way of mocking the Mavs while making excuses for his team. That's what coaching experience is all about, baby.

Countered Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle: "It was about defense tonight. They're a difficult team because they're very persistent." Really, Rick? Really? So persistent they rank dead last in PPG (89.8) and darn close in field goal percentage (43.7). Although I suppose I should credit Dallas for holding them to only 0.2 points above their scoring average. That's something.

DeSagana Diop: The Mavs sure are lucky they managed to resign Diop last summer! I got into some pretty heated arguments with some commenters last year when Diop was included as an add-on in the Jason Kidd trade. My stance: He's a nearly useless, seven-foot stiff. My opponents' stance: He's an invaluable rebounding and defensive presence. Well, his performance this season has been a little thing I like to call "checkmate." Last night's line: 3 minutes, 2 fouls, and a suck differential of +2. By the way, that contract he signed? It's worth more than $32 million over five years. So, in considering Diop's free agent deal, the Harris-for-Kidd trade and the fact that the Mavs chose to give Erick Dampier a seven-year, $72 million contract instead of re-signing Steve Nash...can we all just agree once and for all that Mark Cuban isn't quite the genius he thinks he is and leave it at that?

Emeka Okafor: The Okafor watch continues! Oaky had a season-high 27 points and 17 rebounds. And zero assists. Again. That's another 41 minutes without a dime. The current season numbers stand at: 781 minutes, 195 field goal attempts, 98 free throw attempts, 48 turnovers and 7 assists in 23 games. And since his season-high is 1 assist, that means he's played 16 games without one. To which I say: Damn, dawg. You're not even letting the GROUND touch the ball. [Opens Okafor's closet and watches in stunned silence as thousands of balls spill out.]

Matt Harpring's defense: C'mon, Matt. I'm pretty sure that's against some sort of rule...

Memo to Matt: It's "hand in the face," not "fistful of jersey."
Deron Williams' shooting: "Dear, Deron. Including last night's 5-for-16 shooting performance, you're now hitting 37 percent of your field goals on the season. This is killing my fantasy team. Please put in some extra practice or take better shots. Thank you in advance. Sincerely, Basketbawful."

The Portland Trail Blazers: Hm. They've quietly lost three of four, and it would be four in a row if not for Steve Blake's three with 8 seconds left against the Raptors. I'm just sayin'. Meanwhile, what's up with this quote from Brandon Roy? "They did a great job and we've got to give them all the credit, but now it's our turn when we face them again to protect our home court." When I read that, I figured maybe they had a home-and-home with the Jazz. Nope. They don't face the Jazz in Portland until January 31st. I wonder if there was some trash talk going on during the game. But be careful what you wish for, Brandon. Utah should have Carlos Boozer back by then, so I'm guessing they'll be a little tougher.

Update! Brandon Roy: Not sure how I missed this, but Ben did not: "Shouldn't Brandon Roy earn some malaprops for his Okafor last night? Sure he had 33 points on 12-22 shooting, but when your starting PG gets no dimes in nearly 43 minutes, your team's chances of winning are going to be just south of diddley-squat." Good point. Although, technically speaking, Steve Blake is the startin PG while Roy starts at the two-spot. But still, Roy averages 5 APG and a lot of the Blazers' offense goes through him...so, yeah, he gets a mention. But honestly, Ben, you had me at "malaprops."

Update! Kobe Bryant: He called Mo's Bar and said: "Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie."

Death: Bettie Page passed away last night. She was 85. She was an amazing woman who lived an amazing life. She really changed the world. I'm bummed.

Thanks for the memories, Bettie.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Brian Scalabrine, Charlotte Bobcats, Dallas Mavericks, DeSagana Diop, Emeka Okafor, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards

Michael Jordan: The Bobcats' part owner was back in his courtside seat for a second straight game after a two-week absence. Active. Involved. Interested. None of these words describe Michael Jordan The Owner.

Al Jefferson: Big Al was strong on the glass (9 rebounds) and actually played a little interior defense for a change (6 blocked shots), but he let his team down on the offensve end, where he shot 3-for-11 and finished with only 8 points...13 below his season average. Said Jefferson: "They're doing a great job of just acting like they're going and stunting. It's messing me up." Uh...can anybody translate that from Big Al to English for me?

Jason Collins: The line: Zero points (0-for-1), 1 rebound, 1 block against and 4 personal fouls in 13 minutes and 13 seconds. Truly some unlucky numbers. And mind you, HE IS MINNESOTA'S STARTING CENTER. It was Jason's fourth scoreless game in 10 appearances this season. He's also shooting only 24 percent on the year, despite the fact that 99 percent of his shots are taken within a foot of the basket. And this isn't just a rough start because of his offseason golf cart injury (and no I'm not making that up): Last season, he went off for zero points in 33 out of 74 games, including one stretch in which he scored zero points 12 times in 15 games while STARTING for the Nets. That's a real waste of seven feet worth if height.

Kevin Love: 10 points and 8 boards is pretty good for a rookie, but kinda sad when compared to O.J. Mayo's recent 30-point explosions. That sound you hear? It's Kevin McHale. Weeping.

The Larry Brown Kool-Aid: The Bobcats are on fire, having won three of their last five games, and Charlotte's players are lovin' Larry because of it. Jason Richardson, who had a game-high 25 points, said: "It's pretty difficult because there are so many demanding things that he wants you to do. But we're a team that's willing to learn, was ready to listen and looking for something different. We still don’t have everything down, but the things we're doing are heading toward it." Emeka Okafor, who finished with a season-high 24 points on 9-of-14 shooting, said: "That's his history with teams. When he first comes in it takes some time to adjust. There's a learning curve. Once everybody learns it, people get going."

Now, it might be worth pointing out that those three wins came against the slumping 76ers, the always-ready-to-give-up-a-lead Pacers, and sadsack Timberwolves. But whatever. It's cute that they 'Cats think they're "getting it." However, if Okafor's talking about Brown's history, he should probably also mention that things usually end ugly.

Adam Morrison: Wanna see Adam getting posterized? Well, here you go. Morrison also got flushed on by Rashad McCants (who apparently McCan dunk on Adam). In fact, if you check out his Yahoo Profile, there are seven pictures of Adam: Two of him getting dunked on, two of him getting shot over, and three of him committing a foul. Including one foul that's inexplicably described as Morrison getting dunked on by Luke Ridnour (who's not even in the picture). Good times.

The Orlando Magic defense: I know they're the Boston Celtics and everything, but the Magic sure didn't do a very good job of staying in front of anybody. The C's shot 60 percent in the first quarter and 54 percent for the game. Paul Pierce shredded them for 17 points in the third quarter. Said Stan Van Gundy: "We didn't do a very good job on the pick and rolls in the second half. I think more than anything it was a problem with our schemes and preparation." Hmm. Now, Stan, remind me again: Who's responsible for the schemes and preparation?

Anthony Johnson, excuse machine: The Magic were without their starting backcourt last night: Jameer Nelson missed his fourth straight game with a hip flexor and Mickael Pietrus is on injured reserve with a torn right thumb ligament. This caused Johnson to offer the following observation: "Yeah, they smacked us tonight. But with two healthy squads I feel very good." Right. Well, uh, sorry, Anthony, but while I admit having those guys back would make the team better, I'm still not sure you guys are one Jameer Nelson and Mickael Pietrus from being better than (or even as good as) the Celtics. But I'm glad you'd feel very good. That's something.

Bob Delaney, David Guthrie, Gary Zielinski: Things got a little wacky at the Garden last night as the refs demanded that everyone present respect their authori-tah. I'll let Basketbawful reader Garron take this one: "The officiating crew last night was weird. The calls were fine, but technicals were everywhere. Eight were called in total, four by referee Bob Delaney. In fact, during a timeout Delane called a double technical on Sam Cassell, who was just sitting at the end of the bench and had to be sent out. Still no word on what actually happened. Then during the next timeout there was a technical called on Rondo...in the MIDDLE of a timeout while Rondo was in the huddle. Other weird technicals were called on Stan Van Gundy (for arguing a call) and Rashard lewis who, after making a very difficult behind the backboard circus shot, pumped his fist in the air."

When asked why he received his technical, Rondo said: "I don't know. Everyone got a technical." Added Doc Rivers: "This was one interesting game. A lot of technicals. I better be quiet before I get a technical." Now, regarding Same Cassell...

Sam Cassell: Sam now has more technicals (2) and ejections (1) than minutes played (zero). Last night, he was apparently bounced from the bench for complaining about a foul that David Guthrie called on Perkins. Said Rivers: "I told him he took a bullet for me, because I thought it was on me and I wasn't saying anything, so I was upset. I think they were trying to clean the game up. There was a lot of complaining going on. Unfortunately, when that's happening, the first guy who talks gets the tech. And Sam was that guy."

Cleaning up the game is one thing. Last night's techfest was a big much. Anyway, on the subject of Sam I Am, he decided to weigh in on the whole Stephon Marbury Fiasco going on in New York. Cassell thinks the whole deal is "bad for the league" and believes (like just about everybody else) that the Knicks need to get 'er done with regards to cutting Starbury loose. Said Sam: "They really need to get that thing resolved. It doesn't look good for both parties. Steph wants to play and he's better than the guys playing ahead of him. I don't understand it."

Uhm...not sure about that "better than the guys playing ahead of him" part, Sam. But I'm totally with you on the rest of it.

Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings registered two minutes, a missed shot, and a suck differential of +1. Not a bad night's work...for Jason Collins. And check out Scal's Yahoo Profile: The lone picture is of him getting scored on by Jamal Crawford. Even in his own world, he's the "other guy" in the poster.

And now, as an added bonus, Brian's theme song:


The Golden State Warriors: At this point, the Warriors are inventing new and fascinating ways to lose on an almost nightly basis. If only they could use their amazing creative powers to cure cancer or develop a truly everlasting Gob Stopper. Or, you know, win a game.

Last night -- the Warriors' seventh straight defeat, by the way -- the Golden Staters blew the game in a variety of ways. First, they let Udonis Haslem score off an offensive rebound/putback at the buzzer to send the game to overtime. (And that was only one of several second-chance buckets the Warriors surrendered.)

The Warriors were leading by 3 points with less than 10 seconds left in OT when Chris Quinn hit a tying three-pointer at the 7.1-seconds left mark. Michael Beasley then stole the ensuing inbounds pass, got fouled and made the game-winning free throw. Gah. Said Don Nelson: "Well it was a whale of a game, wasn't it? We sure gave it away at the end. Couple of breakdowns just at the wrong time. I thought we had the game won. It will be a hard loss to get over." Don't worry. I'm sure Nellie was feeling better by the fifth or sixth post-game beer. Anyway, I can hardly let this one go without giving a WotN mention to...

Andris Biedrins: He had 17 points (7-for-10), 15 rebounds and only 2 turnovers. However, the second turnover was the inbounds pass that was snatched by Beasley and cost Golden State the victory. Good job, Andris.

Dwyane Wade's butter-soaked fingers: Pookie was once again magnificent -- 37 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists -- but, as usual, he had trouble holding onto the rock and finished with a game-high 7 turnovers. Fittingly, this allowed him to take back the lead in turnovers per game from Golden State's Stephen Jackson (who had 4 last night). Currently, Wade is averaging a league-worst 4.0 TOs per game while Captain Jack is averaging 3.9. I think this is going to be a season-long battle, folks. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Quote machinery and stat cursery: Basketbawful reader Garron informs me that one of the Warriors broadcasters made the following quip last night: "Timeout miami. 125-123 to the Warriors. First to play defense wins." However, according to the official game log, after that timeout Ronny Turiaf blocked Dwyane Wade's shot...and the Warriors went on to lose anyway. Ergo, Golden State got stat cursed by their own commentator. Whoops.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba advised Donnie Walsh not to buy out Stephon Marbury's contract. Said Mamba: "Don't give in to Steph's demands. Make him beg."

Labels: Al Jefferson, Brian Scalabrine, Dwyane Wade, Golden State Warriors, Jason Collins, Kevin Love, Larry Brown, Sam Cassell, theme songs, Worst of the Night

Brian Scalabrine: I understand that Brian's talents are somewhat, you know, limited, but a line of 3 points (1-for-3) and 2 rebounds from your starting power forward is a little disappointing. However...[looks down the Boston bench]...I guess he's the best option they have right now. I really shouldn't rag on Veal too much. He works hard and hustles his ass off for each and every one of the five minutes he plays. And the Celtics are 6-2 since he replaced Kevin Garnett in the starting lineup, so I guess he must be doing something right.

Fun fact: Brian Scalabrine instructional videos. For basketball. Seriously. They exist.

Travis Diener: Ideally, a starting point guard should be able to shoot efficiently and run an offense. Last night, Travis didn't (2-for-8) and couldn't (1 assist, 2 turnovers). Then he injured his ankle by -- get this -- stepping on referee Bennet Salvatore's foot. Said Diener: "I don't know why he was so close to me." Good question, Travis. But I have a better one for you: Who gets injured in a minor collision with an aging, white-haired referee? And, of course, the answer is you.

Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Travis' high school basketball coach was his uncle Dick Diener. Hold on, I want to type that out again. Dick Diener.

Jamaal Tinsley: The four or five people who bother to analyze the Pacers seem to think that Jermaine O'Neal's absence is the reason for the team's woes (eight losses in their last 10 games). But I'm here to tell you that's not the case. The driving force behind Indiana's surprising early season success was the play of Tinsley. When he was healthy and playing well, the Pacers were winning with our without O'Neal. But the raps against Tinsley -- namely that he can't stay healthy and doesn't understand the importance of shot selection -- have once again proven to be true and true. His recent appearances have been spotty, and now he's out until sometime after the All-Star Game with inflammation in his right knee. The fact is, the Pacers are only going to go as far as Tinsley can take them, and that appears to be the trainer's table.

Fun fact: Tinsley learned the game playing streetball at Rucker Park. His streetball nickname: Mel Mel The Abuser.

Tayshaun Prince: Remember when Tayshaun was dubbed The Next Scottie Pippen? Turns out that was absolutely true, assuming people meant the early 2000s version of Pippen. His offensive game has fallen off (13.3 PPG on 43 percent shooting), and his specialty -- defense -- hasn't been so hot lately either. Last night, Prince scored 6 points (2-for-10) and got handiwiped by Josh Smith (30 points, 12-for-21). Maybe it's just me, but it sure feels like the improved play of the Pistons bench has served as a cloaking device for Prince's disappointing season.

Fun fact: According to his official Web site, Tayshaun's hobbies include reading and going to plays.

Joe Johnson: The Hawks' All-Star representative shot 3-for-13 against the Pistons. You know, in most cases, averaging 20 PPG on 40 percent shooting for a bad team doesn't win you a spot on the All-Star team (just ask Gerald Wallace). I'm sorry, but Joe's spot should have gone to Jose Calderon.

Fun fact: According to Wikipedia, Joe is "notorious for his great ball-handling ability considering his size, and for his jump shot." He's also notorious for his garlic breath.

Mario West: He played 17 seconds last night. I know I've asked this before, but why even bother to play somebody 17 seconds? Couldn't he accomplish more by handing out towels on the bench, or ordering pizza for after the game?

Fun fact: Mario has appeared in 38 games this season. He has played 35 seconds or less in 13 of those games, including games of one second, two seconds, and three seconds.

Minnesota Timberwolves: I know they're one of the worst teams in the league, but they got beaten last night by Bostjan Nachbar. And if you're wondering whether a monkey got hold of my keyboard and mashed that sentence out by mistake, let me just say ooh OOH aah AAH!!

Fun fact: If you ever need to scream it in excitement, Bostjan's name is pronounced BOSHT-yahn NAHK-bahr. You know, in case you're a Nets fan (unlikely), an NBA groupie (slightly more likely), or a cheap prostitute (call me).

Miami Heat: Well, they're scoring more points and losing close games now. I guess that's a step up. They're 1-22 in their last 23 games.

Fun fact: There is nothing "fun" about the Heat right now. Not even making fun of them.

Allen Iverson: A 5-for-20 shooting night will always win you a place in the Worst of the Night. Especially since I just kind of assume an All-Star could score at least one point per shot.

Fun fact: In an interview about his tattoos, The Answer said, "I put shit on my body that means something to me." He puts...shit on his body?

Sacramento Kings: Playoffs? Don't talk to be about the Kings making the playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs?! Not when you lose to a D-League level Grizzlies team.

Justin Williams: The Kings forward did his best Mario West impersonation, playing 13 seconds and going zero-for-everything.

Chicago Bulls: I'm sick of the excuses. I'm sick of John Paxson making bad moves and not going all-out to make a season-saving trade. I'm tired of Ben Wallace, his contract, and his distractions. And mostly, I'm tired of watching the team fall on its face at home, which happened (again) last night against the Hornets. You might think that a 14-point loss to a really good team isn't anything to be that upset about. And maybe you're right. But if you watched the game, you know that the Bulls just fell apart in the second half due to clunky, misdirected shooting and careless, sloppy passing. Losing is one thing. Losing the way they're losing -- and without any hope for the future -- is another thing. And that thing is depressing.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Brian Scalabrine, Chicago Bulls, Jamaal Tinsley, Joe Johnson, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, Sacramento Kings, Tayshaun Prince

Cleveland Cavaliers: Just how bad are the Cavaliers without Lebron James? As it turns out, pretty darn bad. The Cavs suffered another humiliating beatdown last night, courtesy of the Gilbert Arena-less Washington Wizards. Cleveland's lowlights included: A 13-point second quarter (during which the Wiz scored 31 points); a 45-29 rebounding disadvantage; a 1-7 shooting performance by Sasha Pavlovic (who's gone 12-46 over the last four games); and seven minutes of Eric Snow (who scored zero points on 0-1 shooting to go along with his 1 assist and 1 turnover). But the worst sign of trouble for the Cavs is the fact that Shannon Brown led the team in shot attempts (14) for the second straight game, and this is a guy who's only played six games total all season. Brown had more shot attempts last night than Zydrunas Ilgauskas has gotten in the last two games (13). What's up with that? Anyway, Cleveland's losing streak has reached five games, and this skid will probably be used as Exhibit A in the Case of Lebron James Winning the 2008 MVP Award. (And hey, it's already happened.)

Fun fact: A rare (and ugly) Rubbermaid action figure of Zydrunas Ilgauskas is currently available on eBay. Get your Christmas shopping done early.

Kirk Hinrich and Ben Wallace: Not only did these guys throw up a double goose egg against the Bobcats -- both scoring zero points on identical 0-3 shooting -- they were both exiled to the bench for the entire fourth quarter in favor of Chris Duhon and Joakim Noah. Rightly so, as it turns out, as Noah provided energy (8 points, 2 steals, 5 fouls), Duhon provided leadership (12 points, 4-7 shooting, 9 assists), and the Bulls outscored the Bobcats 38-22 for a big come-from-behind win. Are the Bulls better without Hinrich and Wallace? Well, their +/- scores for the season are -89 and -61, respectively (Duhon leads the team with a +15). However, the Bulls best five-man combination is Duhon, Wallace, Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, and Tyrus Thomas. But hell, I don't even know what any of that means. What I do know is that the Bulls may have won, but they're still a mess. Skiles' rotation is less predictable than the stock market, but, in his defense, none of his players (with the possible exception of Andres Nocioni) has proven consistently reliable. Hinrich is playing like he suffered a serious head injury over the summer, Wallace is playing like an old man (mid-60s at least), and the jump shooters -- which means pretty much everybody -- are misfiring like they developed a group case of cerebral palsy. So Skiles is stuck searching for answers and, frankly, I'm not sure there are any. Seriously, I think it's time for John Paxson to make a trade. This team isn't going anywhere.

Fun fact: Two of the Bulls five wins have come at the expense of the Bobcats, which means Scott Skiles is probably already circling January 2 and 25 on his calendar.

Brian Scalabrine: He was last night's one trillion award winner in Boston's routine 113-103 win over the 76ers (losers of three straight and seven of their last 10). On the subject of that game, I might as well mention that Ray Allen shot a not very good 3-12, and the Sixers continued to struggle from beyond the arc (4-14 last night, and 9-51 over their last four games).

(Not) Fun fact: Before the game, Paul Pierce apparently "scolded a couple of teammates in the locker room who [were] having too much fun and screaming to some music." Said Pierce: "We're trying to play a game." Pierce then admitted that, last season, he "spent too much time telling his younger teammates what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to dress." Wow. Who knew Pierce was such a Fun Nazi? Oh, right, these guys.

The Raptors' "Defense": Yes, I know that their big guns are out due to injury, but that doesn't explain why they allowed the Suns to shoot nearly 60 percent as a team (on the second night of back-to-back games no less), score 45 points in the third quarter, and find garbage time for Eric Piatkowski, Sean Marks, Marcus Banks, and D. J. Strawberry. The Suns haven't played all 12 guys in a game since the preseason. Toronto's passive defense even brought Boris Diaw out of his offensive coma (14 points on 7-11 shooting). Said Raptors coach Sam Mitchell: "Our transition defense was just horrible." He probably should have added "half-court," "man-to-man," and "rotation" to the list of horrible defenses played by his team.

Fun fact: Steve Nash has dished 50 assists in his last three games. Also, he's currently shooting 54 percent from the field, 48 percent from three, and 94 percent on the line. Nash has officially transformed into some kind of basketball playing computer. He's just awesome.

Jason Kidd: He missed the Nets' feeble 100-93 loss to the lowly Knicks due to what was reported to be a migraine headache. But rumor has it that what Kidd really had was a throbbing pain in his ass, that pain being the wretchedness of his team. Kidd, who has no history of migraine headaches, appears to be upset that his team sucks, and that certain teammates --cough*VinceCarter*cough -- can't play through a little pain and discomfort. In a way, I can't blame him, because playing with Vince Carter would give me headaches too. But quitting on your team, even if it's only for a night, isn't cool.

Fun fact: Jason Collins played another scoreless 21 minutes last night. He's now gone scoreless in 13 of 19 games. He played more than 20 minutes in seven of those 13 scoreless games. How does a starting center go scoreless in 20+ minutes of action? He also didn't grab a single rebound last night, the second time this season that he's failed to haul in a rebound when playing more than 20 minutes.

Luther Head: He played 30 seconds last night and his stat line was just a bunch of zeroes. He only played 20 minutes and had two DNP-CDs in the five games before that. Remember when this kid was supposed to be pretty good? Head averaged 11 PPG last season, but he's fallen completely out of Rick Adelman's rotation. But I guess that's what happens when you're competing with Chuck Hayes and Steve Francis for playing time. That sound you just heard was Luther's mom's heart breaking.

Dallas Mavericks: The Mavs had to be pretty excited about getting a chance to face off against the Spurs minus Tim Duncan. Too bad for them that the Spurs appear to be the better team with or without their best player. The Mavs got outscored 31-17 in what turned out to be the decisive third quarter. Dirk Nowitzki continued to live up to his reputation for disappering in big games by scoring only 15 points (4-11), committing 4 turnovers, and missing a wide-open three-pointer at the buzzer that would have won the game (and Mr. MVP was the second option on the game-winning play). He wasn't the only Maverick who was playing more like Iceman, though; Devin Harris shot 2-11 and Jerry Stackhouse 2-9.

Fun fact: Trenton Hassell played 16 seconds last night. That gives him 26 seconds of playing time in the last two games. It's easy to forget this, since he hasn't been playing, but Dallas signed Hassell for his defense and toughness. That being the case, it might have been a good idea to unleash him on Manu Ginobili, who scored a season-high 37 points (12-24), 4 rebounds, and 6 assists despite a bruised finger on his shooting hand (ahem, Lebron James). I'm just saying, if you're going to pay a guy $4 million a year to play defense, you might as well let him do it.

Allen Iverson: He scored 51 points last night, but he only scored 2 points and missed his only freethrow in the fourth quarter as he watched Kobe and the Lakers steal the game. What's worse is that Kobe used Iverson as a prop as he performed a fourth quarter dance. The turning point of the game was when Kobe hit Iverson on the arm on a three-point shot attempt (no call) then ran over Iverson on his way downcourt en route to tossing a sweet lop pass to Andrew Bynum for a dunk. After that play, I knew the Nuggets were finished. Anyway, scoring 50 points and losing is kind of like showing up to the prom in a limo and wearing kickass tux but then watching some other dude walk off with your girlfriend. Not that that ever happened to me of course. But I bet it would feel like scoring 50 in a loss.

Fun fact: Has anyone noticed how well Derek Fisher is shooting the ball this season? He's shooting nearly 51 percent from the field (he was 6-11 last night). This from a 40-percent career shooter who hit 38 percent of his shots last year and has never shot better than 43 percent for a season. Fisher is very quietly having a career season, for which I have no decent explanation.

Los Angeles Clippers: They lost their seventh consecutive game to a the Seattle Supersonics (4-15). Cuttino Mobley shot 2-10. Tim Thomas shot 2-14. Chris Kaman is absolutely killing himself (19 points and 14 rebounds last night, 18 and 14 for the season) for no reason. I read one article that compared the Clippers to a rudderless ship. Hardly. It's more like a ship with no rudder, no sails, a faulty engine, several holes gushing water, and getting eaten by a giant shark. Ugly.

Fun fact: Chris Kaman spent much of his childhood on a chicken farm. Which makes sense, since he looks like the result of some mad gene-splicing experiment involving humans and chickens, and possibly Bigfoot.

Milwaukee Bucks: Last night, the Bucks continued their transformation from "better than we expected" to "league bitch" in a 120-90 loss to the Golden State Warriors. The 11-point second quarter is what killed them. That and the fact that they aren't any good. That may sound like a harsh statement, but they let Austin Croshere hit three three-pointers and throw down a dunk in the fourth quarter. What other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

Fun fact: Remember how the Bucks outbid the Miami Heat for Charlie Bell's services last summer? Think they're regretting that move now? Last night he scored zero points (0-5) and committed 3 turnovers in 17 minutes of action. It was the fifth time this season he's failed to score a single point. But even in those games, he fell only four points below his season average. He's currenlty shooting 26 percent from the field and he has almost as many turnovers (20) as field goals (22). And the Bucks have him signed for four more years and almost $15 million.

Labels: Allen Iverson, Ben Wallace, Brian Scalabrine, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Jason Kidd, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Clippers, Luther Head, Milwaukee Bucks, Toronto Raptors