Note that, in his championship wallpaper, Antoine is waving a towel.
On August 2, 2005, the Miami Heat acquired Antione Walker in a five-team, 13-player deal that went down as the largest trade in NBA history. And get this: The trade included Greg Ostertag! I kid you not. I can think of no better way to begin this post.

Anyway, here are the details:

Walker traded by the Boston Celtics to the Miami Heat; the Memphis Grizzlies traded Greg Ostertag (whom they had received from the Sacramento Kings) to the Utah Jazz; the Miami Heat traded Qyntel Woods, Alberto Miralles, a 2006 2nd round draft pick (Edin Bavcic) and a 2008 2nd round draft pick (Nikola Pekovic) to the Boston Celtics; the Miami Heat traded Eddie Jones to the Memphis Grizzlies; the Miami Heat traded Rasual Butler to the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets; the Utah Jazz traded Curtis Borchardt to the Boston Celtics; the Utah Jazz traded Raul Lopez to the Memphis Grizzlies; and the Utah Jazz traded Kirk Snyder to the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets.

Now that's some serious player movement. Actually, it's more like a bowel movement, considering the players involved. But I digress.

The Walker acquisition was part of Heat GM Pat Riley's "all-in" attempt to win a championship before Shaq aged himself out of dominance. To that end, Riley also brought in Gary Payton, Jason Williams and James Posey. Riley believed his team was in an all-or-nothing situation...and history has proven he was right.

Some people might say this is an unfair selection. After all, it could be argued that 'Toine made reasonably significant contributions to the 2005-06 Miami Heat (in fact, Basketbawful reader Arouet did just that in yesterday's comments section).

For the season, Walker averaged 12.2 PPG, 5.1 RPG and 2.0 APG while shooting a career-high 43.5 percent from the field (yes I said "career high 43.5 percent") and 35.8 percent from downtown (which was the third-best mark of his career). He was the team's fourth leading scorer and his Player Efficiency Rating of 14.4 (which was fifth best on the team) ranked him somewhere between "in the rotation" and a "pretty good player."

So why am I picking Walker? History, dear readers. History.

The Boston Celtics selected Antoine with the sixth overall pick of the 1996 NBA Draft, ahead of players like Kobe Bryant (the 13th pick) and Steve Nash (the 15th pick). He was supposed to revive a Celtics squad that had won only 33 games the season before. The Walker Hype Machine led to the following totally awesome commercial:


Unfortunately, that commercial represented one of the last times Employee Number 8 ever went to the basket. During his rookie season, 'Toine led the C's in points (17.5) and rebounds (9.0)...but Boston actually dropped from 33 wins to 15. That's right: Adding Walker made the Celtics 18 games worse.

Of course, in all fairness to Walker, the Celtics were tanking in hopes of winning the Tim Duncan lottery. Unfortunately, they had stiff competition from the Vancouver Grizzlies (who went 14-68), the San Antonio Spurs (David Robinson missed 51 games and their leading scorer for the season was a one-foot-in-the-grave Dominique Wilkins) and the Philadelphia 76ers (who managed only 22 wins with a trio of Allen Iverson, Jerry Stackhouse and Derrick Coleman).

We all know how this turned out. The Spurs got the first pick and and took Duncan with it. The Sixers got the second pick and wasted it on Keith Van Horn. The Celtics actually had the third and sixth picks (the latter of which was acquired in a trade with the Mavericks that involved, giggle, Eric Montross).

Tracy McGrady was available...but Boston didn't pick him. (Knee-Mac went ninth.) With the third pick, the Celtics wisely took Chauncey Billups. Sadly, they traded Billups the very next season (along with Dee Brown, Roy Rogers and John Thomas) to the Toronto Raptors for Kenny Anderson, Popeye Jones and Zan Tabak. Boston fans can thank Rick Pitino for that bullshit.

With the sixth pick, they unwisely selected Ron Mercer, who lasted a season and a half before getting shipped to Denver (with Popeye Jones and Dwayne Schintzius) for Danny Fortson, Eric Washington, Eric Williams and a 2001 1st round draft pick (Kedrick Brown). Thanks again, Pitino.

So I guess it wasn't all Walker's fault that the Celtics continued to suck. And he was a workhorse of sorts. During his second season, he played all 82 games, averaging 22.4 PPG, 10.2 RPG, 3.3 APG and 1.7 SPG. Unfortunately, he was still a rather inefficient scorer (42% from the field, 31% from downtown, 64% from the line). What's more, despite all the steals, his individual defense wasn't great. Those two things -- inefficient O, shaky D -- were recurring trends for Walker, who never once finished a season with a better Offensive Rating than Defensive Rating. In fact, his finished his career with an O-Rating of 97 and a D-Rating of 105.

That's right: 'Toine was worth -8 points per 100 possessions over his career.

Whatever discipline Walker had under coach Pitino disappeared when Jim O'Brien took over during the 2000-01 season. That campaign began a stretch of three straight seasons in which Antoine led the league in three-point field goal attempts: 603 (or 7.4 per game) in 2000-01, 645 (8.0 per) in 2001-02, and 582 (7.5 per) in 2002-03. Unbelievably, he still couldn't get his Offensive Rating over 100 (it was a dismal 92 during the 2002-03 season...which might explain why his Offensive Win Share score was -1.6).

Walker's inefficiency was (partially) masked by O'Brien's run-and-gun offense (O'Brien was doing the whole Seven Seconds or Less thing years before Mike D'Antoni "invented" it and "made" Steve Nash). So his averages (20-ish PPG, 8-ish RPG and 5-ish APG) earned him a spot on the 2002 and 2003 Eastern Conference All-Star Teams. In fact, I believe it was during one of those All-Star weekends when 'Toine was famously asked why he took so many threes, to which he infamously responded "Because there are no fours."

Classic.

During the second round of the 2003 NBA playoffs, Boston got swept by the New Jersey Nets. Walker was terrible during that sweep, going 23-for-67 (34 percent) from the field and 3-for-15 (20 percent) from beyond the arc. Remember: Walker was known for being a shooter. I can't stress this enough.

The Celtics decided it was time to go in a new direction. On August 4, 2004, 'Toine (along with Tony Delk) was sent to Dallas for Raef LaFrentz, Chris Mills, Jiri Welsh and a 2004 first round draft pick. Mind you, LaFrentz -- who had averaged 9.3 PPG and 4.8 RPG the previous season -- still had six years and almost $70 million left on his contract. That's how badly the Celts -- GM Danny Ainge in particular -- wanted to get rid of Walker.

And Walker was pissed about it:

"I didn't have a relationship with [Danny Ainge, the team's new director of basketball operations and a former Celtic], period. They're going to say cap reasons and this and that. But anybody who knows basketball knows this was a personal situation. He didn't like me. It's either him or the owners. Somebody didn't like me.

"I figured I had too much power for them. I think I had too many friendships off the court. I think he felt he couldn't have a relationship with me. And I just think he never had a high regard for my game. He's entitled to that opinion. I'm 99 percent sure coach [Jim] O'Brien didn't want me to leave."

Maybe...maybe not. As far as I could tell, the C's were united in their desire to exile their All-Star forward:

In a news conference at the Celtics' training facility, Ainge denied that the move was personal, but then allowed that Walker's strong personality was a factor. Ainge said Walker's outspoken presence may have "stifled" the leadership of other Celtics.

"Antoine had a grasp on our franchise," Ainge told The Globe. "If Antoine is Michael Jordan, it's OK to have a grasp. If Antoine is Larry Bird, it's OK to have a grasp, or Bill Russell. I think those players had grasps on their franchises.

"But I didn't perceive Antoine's grasp on us as a positive thing."

Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck also denied the deal was made because of a personality conflict.

"It was a unanimous recommendation from everybody involved in basketball," Grousbeck told The Globe. "The two people that [owner] Steve Pagliuca and I met with on Saturday, Jim O'Brien and Danny Ainge, both recommended the deal. The coaching staff, the scouts, player personnel, and Danny unanimously backed the deal. It was not personal."

It has been well-documented that Ainge, in his capacity as a television analyst, had been critical of Walker and his style of play.

"I think Antoine Walker is an excellent player and he's done an excellent job in this organization," Ainge told The Globe. "This is simply basketball. This has nothing to do with anything personal. I don't know Antoine except from basketball observation, from a fan, coaching, and general managing perspective. Maybe I didn't have as high a regard for his game as he had for his game, but I certainly respect Antoine Walker as a player."

Still, things could have been worse for Walker. He was joining a Mavericks team that had won 60 games the season before (which tied the Spurs for best in the league) and led the Association in Offensive Rating (110.7 points scored per 100 possessios). But in the 2003 Western Conference Finals, the Mavericks had lost to the Spurs in six games.

Now, it's worth noting that Dirk Nowitzki got hurt in Game 3 of that series and didn't play again. So who knows what might have happened with a healthy Nowitzki. Still, Mark Cuban was freaked out enough to pull an "all-in" stunt of his own, bringing in both Walker and Antawn Jamison.

The stunt failed. Oh how it failed.

Despite Walker's 27 percent three-point shooting, Dallas once again led the league in Offensive Rating (112.1) but their Defensive Rating fell from ninth in 2002-03 to 26th in 2003-04. The team had no depth and was forced to rely on bench players like Josh Howard (a rookie), Eduardo Najera (declared "legally useless" by productivity scientists) and Shawn Bradley (a.k.a. NBA bitch). Worse, the chemistry the Mavs had displayed the previous season was blown to hell. The result: Dallas dropped from 60 wins to 52, finished third in their own division (barely ahead of the Memphis Grizzlies) and got schooled by the Sacramento Kings in the first round of the playoffs.

That was the end of the Walker Era in Dallas...not to mention the Nash and Jamison Eras. The Mavs traded 'Toine Dallas (again with Tony Delk) to the Atlanta Hawks for Alan Henderson, Jason Terry and a future first round draft pick. Walker was actually leading Atlanta in points (20.4) and rebounds (9.4), and he was second in assists (3.7) and steails (1.2), but the Hawks still wanted nothing to do with him (these days that kind of production would have earned him a six-year, $119 million contract).

So at the trade deadline, Atlanta shipped Walker back to the Celtics for Tom Gugliotta, Gary Payton, Michael Stewart and a 2006 first round draft pick (which became Rajon Rondo after the Hawks traded it to the Suns who traded it back to the Celtics). Supposedly, Walker was brought in to bolster Boston's playoff run...only the Celtcs lost in the first round to the post-Brawl Indiana Pacers. Even worse, the C's lost Game 7 in Boston by the humiliating score of 97-70.

So Walker had failed as a) a savior, b) a roleplayer, and c) a returning hero. Which brings us full circle to his time with the Heat and why I can't stomach the fact that Antoine Walker has more NBA titles than Charles Barkley, Dominique Wilkins, Elgin Baylor, Karl Malone, Patrick Ewing, Steve Nash, John Stockton, and whoever else you want to name.

Look: Walker was an inefficient ballhog who preferred chucking up ridiculous shots to attacking the rim. In the rare event he did make it to the line, he tended to brick his free throws. I mean, honestly, how does a "shooter" hit only 63 percent of his foul shots for his career? The most frustrating thing was that Walker had a solid set of NBA skills. If he'd had a higher basketball IQ, and a more realistic grasp of his place among the NBA elite, he could have been a truly great player.

Instead, he piggybacked his way to a championship in Miami. During the 2006 playoffs, Walker took more treys than any other player (148 of 'em) despite shooting only 32 percent from three-point range. He averaged 13 PPG, but he was the only Heat rotation player to have an Offensive Rating below 100 (it was 97) and an negative Offensive Win Share score (-0.2). And his postseason PER of 10.6 was seventh on the team behind Dwyane Wade, Shaq, Alonzo Mourning, Udonis Haslem, James Posey and Jason Williams.

During Miami's four wins in the Finals, Walker went 6-for-17, 5-for-11, 2-for-7, and 6-for-17. Oh, and he was 3-for-21 on threes. So, yeah. He wasn't exactly lighting it up. Again remember: HE WAS A SHOOTER.

The next season, Riley suspended Walker for being too fat. The season after that, Riley had the same complaint before saying "fuck it" and trading 'Toine (with Michael Doleac, Wayne Simien and a 2009 first round pick) to the Minnesota Timberwolves for Mark Blount and Ricky Davis.

Think about that: Riley preferred having Mark Blount and Ricky Davis over Antoine Walker. If that doesn't say everything, nothing will.

Anyway, you know the rest of this sad story. Walker played about half a season in Minnesota (14.9 PPG, 36% shooting, 32% on threes) before the Timberwolves told him to just stay home. Unable to come to a buyout agreement, the T-Wolves shipped him to Memphis the next summer. After a few months of paying him to sit at home eating Twinkies, the Grizzlies decided to pay him $9 million to go away forever.

Which is more or less what he did. But his name was still in the news because of his ongoing legal problems (from Wikipedia):

On January 5, 2009, Walker was arrested for suspicion of drunk driving at Miami Beach. He had been driving with his headlights off and reportedly had a strong odor of alcohol. His case is still pending and thus has not been convicted.

On July 15, 2009, Walker was charged with three felony counts of writing bad checks related to gambling debts he had incurred at three Las Vegas casinos. Walker was arrested on July 15 at Harrah's Casino in South Lake Tahoe, Nevada. The charges stemmed from over $800,000 in gambling debts. Walker was in Tahoe to play in the American Century Celebrity Golf Classic the following day.

On June 30, 2010, Walker entered a plea of not guilty on felony bad check charges stemming from his failure to pay $770,000 in gambling losses to Caeser's Palace and two other casinos in Las Vegas, Nevada, according to the Las Vegas Review Journal.

Then there was his bankruptcy (again from Wikipedia):

On May 18, 2010, Walker filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection in the Southern District of Florida (Miami) as case number 10-23558 with total assets of $4.3 million and debts of $12.7 million. The filing listed four pieces of real estate including a $2.3 million Miami home that is underwater with a mortgage of $3.6 million, and three other properties in Chicago, one listed for $1.4 million. Nazr Mohammed paid half the fee of Walker's bankruptcy attorney.

Mind you, this is a guy who made almost $110 million in salary alone. And did I mention he was a slumlord too?!

His professional and financial lives were so totally screwed that he actually signed on to play with a Puerto Rican team called the Guaynabo Mets for $7,000 a month. Only the Mets cut him after eight games...during which he went 6-for-27 from downtown. Sorry. I had to.

Now Walker is trying to make an NBA comeback. Supposedly, "four to six" teams are interested in him. I can't imagine for what, unless these teams need some poor sap to sample room service on the road so their star player doesn't end up with food poisoning.

In the end, my problem with Walker is that he wasted so much: talent, potential, money, and so many opportunities. He failed to rejuvenate the Celtic legacy (some might say he even dejuvenated it). He failed to push the Mavericks over the hump. He failed...whatever the hell the Hawks were trying to do (those dysfunctional bastards). He squandered vast, almost unimaginable amounts of money. He couldn't stay out of the way of the law. And he put human beings in danger with criminally careless property mismanagement. The whole Walker story is one giant, goddamned shame.

But he has a ring.

Update! Bonus video: Basketbawful reader zyth sent in video of the Walker Shimmy. How could I omit his shimmy from this post? Inexcusable.


But wait, there's more. How 'bout an example of 'Toine's brilliant shot selection:


Triple team? SHOOT IT, ANTOINE!!


And 'cause chris demanded it:

Labels: Antoine Walker, Worst NBA Champions

Article fail.
When last we checked in with Antoine Walker, he had been cut by Mets de Guaynabo...a Puerto Rican team. In the eight games before he got cut, Walker averaged 12.4 PPG, 8.6 RPG and 2.1 APG while going 6-for-27 from downtown (22.2 percent) and a Shaq-like 15-for-29 from the line (51.7 percent)...on a Puerto Rican team.

On the bright side, he didn't commit a single turnover.

You'd think the facts that he's a) broke and b) too washed up to make it on a freaking Puerto Rican team would have put a Mortal Kombat-style finishing move on Walker's NBA career. But no: Mr. Shimmy is plotting a comeback. Probably because of that whole "broke" thing.

'Toine's uncle, Chico Walker, recently had this to say to Jessica Camerato of WEEI.com:

"He's definitely looking to go into training camp, but he knows it's not going to be a guaranteed contract. He's going to have to go in and make a team, and he understands that. That's where he is in terms of his conditioning. He knows he has to go in there and earn a spot. Nothing's going to be given to him regardless of what he's done in the past. I think the main concern is that this other stuff is going to follow him around. Is that going to be a deterring factor for a lot of teams? Hopefully not because basketball-wise, I still think he has a little bit to give to the game."

Shouldn't that first bold-faced sentence read "Nothing's going to be given to him because of what he's done in the past"? During the 2007-08 season -- his last in the NBA -- Walker appeared in only 46 games (starting once) for a 22-win Minnesota squad, averaging 8.0 PPG and 3.7 RPG. His PER of 11.4 accurately qualified him as a "scrounging for minutes" player.

The following summer, Minny traded 'Toine to the Grizzlies, who willingly paid Walker $9 to go away and never come back. That was money well spent if you ask me.

My point is: Walker didn't have "a little bit to give to the game" three seasons ago, so I seriously doubt he has anything to give now. But Chico wants us to believe otherwise:

Now as Antoine attempts a comeback in the NBA, he turned to someone he has trusted over the years. Antoine has spent his summer working out at the University of Louisville with Rick Pitino, his coach at the University of Kentucky and on the Celtics, and the Cardinals basketball team.

Chico estimates Antoine has dropped between 18 and 25 pounds as he continues to improve his conditioning under Pitino's watch. "Four to six" teams, he said, have already expressed interest in the forward, who is fighting to land an NBA roster spot for the first time since 2008 when he received a buyout from the Grizzlies.

Four to six teams? What YMCA league is Chico talking about? Because I promise you there aren't four to six NBA teams that would hire Walker to hand out jockstraps in the locker room let alone play.

This whole thing reminded me of an article Scoop Jackson wrote about Walker after the Celtics took him with the sixth overall pick of the 1996 NBA Draft. Here's an excerpt:

As the smile spreads across his face, you realize that Antoine is a 20-year-old man living a dream, happy just to be here, but not satisfied. Not yet. He's the one rookie that truly wants to run the NBA. He wants to rejuvenate the Celtic legacy. Championships in droves. Winning the jewels last year in Blue Heaven spoiled him. That's the difference. Being a part of an NCAA championships program is something neither [Len] Bias or [Reggie] Lewis were able to claim.

He's also got that arrogance. "It's not arrogance, man!" he insists. Yet he's got that arrogance that anybody who's gonna make it, needs in order to make it. The Celtics need it. They miss it. There used to be no such thing as a Boston player without arrogance. That's why you hated them, that's why they were so loved.

Huh. I guess that whole "arrogance" thing doesn't work in Puerto Rico.

Labels: Antoine Walker

Nearly getting poked in the eye despite wearing goggles specifically to prevent such a thing? How eye-ronic.
(Okay, I apologize. That pun was horrific, but how could I resist?)
Just for the record, I did miss posting a BAD entry yesterday, but it's not because I was drinking tequila or Tecate to celebrate Cinco de Mayo (I prefer vodka or rum mixed with something else actually). Alas, it was nothing that fun. I was so tired yesterday from work that I didn't even stay up to watch the second half of the Suns game, despite its early start time. Sigh.

Are you ready to see an overweight 34 year old with no sense of defensive presence, poor shot selection, and generally low basketball IQ hit the floor? If so, you're in luck: Antoine Walker's trying to make it back into the NBA! Also related to that article: ESPN.com reader comments generally are a wasteland of human excrement transferred into zeros and ones and sent across the Internet. However, every once in a rare while I'll stumble upon a comment that makes me laugh. Here is one such example from a commenter known as hrdrill: "Hi, I'm poor, so I'm making a comeback." Antoine Walker: the Art Garfunkel of sports."

By the way, a fun blast from the past that was featured on Deadspin today: footage from a Royals/Celtics battle in 1966! Behold bank shots, bounce passes, and hook shots galore. Also notice the distinct lack of constant mugging in an effort to "battle for position" off the ball. Amazing how different the game looks today from just a few decades ago.


Worst of the Night in Pictures:

I'm surprised these phony Mexicans aren't drinking Corona with a lime in the bottle

The Spurs do their best impersonation of the Suns a couple years ago before they learned how to play defense
All The Games:
Hawks at Magic - ESPN, 8:00pm
Magic lead series 1-0

Cheer up, Hawks fans! Game 2 can't possibly be as bad of a blowout as Game 1! I mean, yeah, they'll still lose, but it'll probably be a little closer than 40+ points.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Bawful After Dark

I don't know about you, but when I wake up, open the newspaper, and see a photo of a forlorn-looking Antoine Walker, it gets my hopes up. Like, maybe Antoine's retiring or David Stern has banned him from shooting three-pointers for life.

Sadly, that was not the case on this particular morning.

Late Sunday night/early Monday morning, two men were shot outside of the Rock 'n' Roll McDonalds in downtown Chicago. The men actually managed to drive themselves to a nearby hospital, but one of them died shortly after arriving and the other is listed in critical condition.

The NBA angle: Chicago Police are investigating whether the shootings resulted from a fight that may or may not have happened at the Excalibur Nightclub...where Employee #8 was holding his 32nd birthday party. I know, I know. I thought he was much older than that, too.

Anyway...wow. Last year Antoine suffered a home invasion and now this. Maybe he should, you know, stay away from Chicago. And Big Macs. (I'm just sayin'.)

Labels: Antoine Walker, crime, shootings

And now, Part 5 of this year's NBA Worsties. We've gotten through March now. Only three long months and several more reader nominations to go...

Dwyane Wade calls out...Reggie Miller?!: With the Heat sucking and D-Wade clearly not playing up to his pre-injury standards, Reggie suggested during a TNT broadcast that Wade was playing at about 60 percent capacity. This illicited unexpected rage from Pookie, who said: "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I'm not 100 (%), but I'm not 60." Sure, Dwyane. Because (as I said at the time) going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers covered in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how exactly?

Jason Kidd opens mouth, inserts foot: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, Kidd tried to explain why he doesn't score 20 every night: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." However, Basketbawful reader flohtingpoint was quick to dispell the myth of Kidd's selfless non-shooting: "Riiiightt...as it stands right now, Jason 'Jumpshot' Kidd has more career three-point attempts (3962) than Mad Max (3931), Glen Rice (3896), The Rifleman (3370) and Dan Majerle (3798). If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker." Update! According to Basketball-Reference.com, Kidd finished the 2007-08 season with 4,025 career three-point attempts...only 239 behind Antoine Walker!

Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier do the Dance of Dumb: If you want to know why I haven't finished the Worsties yet, it's because I spend at least 17 hours of every day rewatching this video.


Kobe hits an old lady in the face with a towel: Sure, it was an accident and everything...but isn't it funny how so many of these "accidents" happen in Kobe's approximate vicinity?


Kobe fans take over Basketbawful for a day: And it will live on in infamy.

Kyle Korver plays -- giggle! -- defense: This was shameful. Truly shameful. But hey, at least he's dating twins...


The Heat's worst weekend ever: The weekend got off to a rough start with a 35-point home loss to the Golden State Warriors. Then, on Saturday night, they lost not once but twice to the Atlanta Hawks in a matter of hours. And I'm not even exaggerating. First, they replayed the last 51.9 seconds of the infamous "dispute game" and lost 114-111 (and since they lost this game 117-111 the first time, that means they lost the same game on two differenct occasions). Then they went out and lost their regularly scheduled game to the Hawks 97-94. So that's three losses in two nights, including one game they got to lose for the second time. That could be considered a four-loss weekend, which has to be some kind of NBA record. Yay team.

Joakim Noah loses touch with reality: I'm going to go ahead and assume that Joakim Noah was suffering from a serious headwound after the Chicago Bulls' 116-109 loss to the Detroit Pistons...at least that would explain his bizarre post-game comments, which were ridiculous in any and every context imaginable: "With our style of play, there's no reason we shouldn't have beaten that team. I think Detroit's a great team, but I still think we are better than them, really. I feel like we're a better team." Ooookay. I guess Joakim didn't learn very much in that extra year at college. No time for class. Too sleepy.

Chris Duhon puts the "Me" in "Team": C-Du was fined and suspended that Bulls loss to the Pistons I mentioned one paragraph ago for missing the team's morning shootaround. Now, you'd probably assume that a roleplayer who's trying desperately to cling to the remains of his NBA career would be at least somewhat humble and apologetic after an incident like this. But you'd be totally wrong. Said Duhon: "It wasn't my fault. I didn't get my wakeup call." Now there's a heaping helping of personal responsibility for you. But it didn't stop there. "I haven't been playing the last six or seven games," said Duhon, conveniently forgetting the 25 minutes he played the previous Friday night against the Celtics. "Ususally, I don't play anyway, so it doesn't have that much of an effect on me." Of course, Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordan both picked up two fouls in the first six minutes of the Pistons game, and Thabo Sefolosha was still out with a strained left groin. In other words, the Bulls needed Duhon, but Duhon wasn't available. Of course, he was available to fly to North Carolina to watch Saturday night's Duke-North Carolina game, which didn't end until 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And the daylight-saving time changover made the night an hour shorter. Duhon chartered a flight to Detroit, but he still got in pretty late, which, you know, might have made him a little sleepy. Keep in mind, though, it's still not his fault. He didn't get his wakeup call. And he hasn't been playing anyway. So get off his back. (Sidenote: He is going to fit in so well with the Knicks this season...)

Kiss fight!: Who would have seen this coming? I mean, a kiss fight during Washington Wizards television broadcasts? Oh yes. It started when Steve Buckhantz (play-by-play) kissed Phil Chenier (color commentator) on the arena's Kiss Cam during a game, and Phil responded by kissing Steve back during a pre-game segment. Here's the first kiss:


And here's Phil's insideous revenge kiss:


Mark Cuban wages a one-billionaire war on the great Blogging Menace: Cube Steak officially banned "bloggers" from the Mavericks' locker room. And in a move that was more ironic than having 10,000 spoons when all you need to kill Alanis Morissette with is a knife, the announcement was made on his blog. This was, of course, a response to the "Fire Avery Johnson" campaign. A petulant and immature response, but a response nonetheless. And it wasn't the first time Cuban pooped on bloggers. Why does Cuban hate bloggers so much, when he, himself, is a blogger? I can only assume it must be a sign of his own deep-rooted self-loathing. Or, I dunno, maybe he's just a big douche.

John Hollinger's stat wizardry: In his review of the Bulls/Cavs/Sonics trade, Hollinger made it seem as if Cleveland GM Danny Ferry was making off like some kind of cartoon bandit: "This one works, big time. Answer me this: Would you rather have Hughes (12.0 player efficiency rating) or Szczerbiak (16.0)? Brown (8.5) or West (10.1)? Marshall (8.5) or Wallace (12.1)? Gooden (12.8) or Smith (17.4)?"

I thought this assessment was a wee bit bogus, mostly because Hollinger fiddled somewhat with the comparisons. After all, juxtaposing the PER of Shannon Brown and Delonte West didn't seem particularly fair, considering that Brown had appeared - and briefly - in only 15 games while West had played in 35 and gotten more minutes. Furthermore, Marshall was a seldom-used reserve who had made a mere 11 cameo appearances for the Cavs, whereas Ben Wallace was a starter who had played 50 games at a rate of more than 32 minutes per. And wouldn't Wallace versus Drew Gooden had make a better one-for-one comparison anyway? I guess what I'm saying is that, at the time, if felt as though Hollinger arranged the player matchoffs so he could use his PER numbers to support his "Cleveland won this one" argument.

But here's a little post-script to Hollinger's "This one works, big time" declaration. Wally's PER plummetted from 15.7 to 10.3 while Larry Hughes' initially soared from 11.3 to 15.3 before eventually settling at 12.4. Oh, and Drew Gooden's PER went from 12.7 to 17.4 with the Bulls...which is much better than Wallace's 12.4 PER with the Cavs. So, based on these numbers, was Hollinger wrong, big time? Particularly since the move didn't really do much to improve the Cavs (or the Bulls for that matter)? PER is just another number, folks. And like any other stat, it only tells part of a much larger story. Sorry.

Basketbawful (gak) praises (vomit) Kobe Bryant: And it will live on in infamy.

Phoenix Suns bench flees in terror: Shaq goes running after a loose ball, and the Suns bench...well, I'd say they fled in terror like a bunch of little girls, but that would be an unfair insult to little girls everywhere.


Antoine Walker defies logic, refuses buyout: Kevin McHale may be an idiot, but he proved he wasn't stupid enough to pay Antoine Walker's for doing nothing. And 'Toine wasn't happy about it. "Obviously, they're rebuilding, and obviously I'm not in the future plans, so I felt like maybe there was an opportunity for me to leave. They wanted money back that I wasn't willing to give back. It didn't work out that way. We'll just have to play it out, six weeks, and then we'll see what happens in the summer." Walker, who was averaging 8 PPG on 36 percent shooting, was making $8.5 million for the season. He said that the team "low-balled" him, offering a buyout he felt was unreasonable and "ridiculous, actually." The only thing that would be ridiculous would be offering Walker anything more than cab fare and a swift boot to the butt.

The Clippers prove they are who we thought they were: First, they let Sam Cassell bully them into a buyout. Then they replaced Sam-I-Wasn't with...Smush Parker! Wooooow. Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who drew my attention to the signing, uttered prophetic words when he said: "Are the Clippers trying to get Elton Brand to opt out this summer or something?"

Rafer Alston versus Sasha Vujacic: Near the end of the Rockets 104-92 win over the Los Angeles Lakers -- Houston's 22nd win in a row -- Rafer Alston went all NBA Street on Sasha Vujacic, Sasha hacked him for it, and Rafer responded by sticking a finger in Sasha's mug before getting restrained by a referee. It's kind of a shame that Alston had to transform back into Skip 2 My Lou at the tail end of his best game as a pro. It's also kind of a shame that Vujacic is such a douche.


Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor accuses Kevin Garnett of tanking: Sometimes the best way to draw attention away from your crappy stewardship of the crappy team your crappy GM assembled is to take a cheap shot at your former stuperstar player. That way you're not a bad judge of basketball talent, you're just an idiot. And boy oh boy did Taylor let his stuperosity take center stage when he suggested that Kevin Garnett laid down on the job last season. In responding to a reporter's suggestion that the T-Wolves had tanked last season, Taylor said: "I don't think that. I don't like that so much. I don't like that. It was more like KG tanked it (for missing the final five games of the regular season). I think the other guys still wanted to play. But it sure changed the team and didn't make us (as good)." Now, some people think that experts and fans baby Garnett, and maybe we do...to a degree. But in this case, I'm going to let KG's intensity and work ethic speak for themselves. I mean, Garnett missed only 23 games in 12 seasons as a Timberwolf. Dude straight up brought it.

T.J. Ford freaks the hell out: Looks like the Pacers landed a real "character guy" this summer...


Drew Gooden's ego goes crazy: After a 31-point, 16-rebound game -- Gooden's ninth double-double in the 16 games since he was traded to the Bulls -- Drew was asked whether he could keep it up. Said Gooden: ''Yes, I can. And I will continue to work to get better at it. This is something that's not new to me, but I've got to brush off some of the old tools and put them back into use. Because I have had a couple years [playing with LeBron James] where I was the guy that goes out, works hard and grabs rebounds and becomes a defender with offensive capabilities." In case you need a Gooden-to-English translation, that means playing with LeBron was holding him back, and not that it's easier to put up big numbers when you're on a lousy, lottery-bound team. But Gooden's mouth wasn't finished. Not by a long shot. "I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes." No, not done yet. There was more. ''I believe that I can do it all. And confidence is the number one factor when it comes to offense. I can score in the post; I can score with my back to the basket, face up.'' You go, Drew. I look forward to watching you win the MVP next season. Look out, NBA! (Sidenote: Gooden had 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting in his very next game.)

Dirk auditions for a broadcasting job: The best part is near the end, when he says "Short bus!" in response to a terrible shot.


Andrew Bogut high-fives himself: One truly is the lonliest number.


Shaq versus Pat Riley: Ever notice how often Shaq always gets in these little Quote Feuds with former coaches and teammates? The latest War of the Words came after Shaq made the following statement about his new home in the Valley of the Sun: "I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again." Of course, these comments only served to depress old Sad Sack Riley. "It's sad that he says those things. We shared so much here, together, for three years, good and bad, 3 1/2 years. I just think it's sad that he's got to do that." Sadder than making Shaq spend his golden years playing alongside Ricky Davis and Mark Blount? I don't think so, Riles. When told of Riley's response, The Big Expletive-slinger said, "I don't give a shit how he interpreted it." After being reminded that the reporters couldn't use that quote because he cussed, Shaq said, "Sure you can. You can quote me, brother. You can put an 's,' then the tic-tac-toe, the 'at' sign and then the other symbols." He may no longer be the MDE, but he is and will always be the MQE (Most Quotable Ever).

Chris Webber wimps out: Why did he finally decide to retire? In Webber's own words: "Rehab is so hard. So monotonous, so boring. I really didn't want to try to rehab and come back this season because I don't think that's possible." And doesn't that statement just sort of epitomize the most frustrating aspect of Webber's career? The idea that there was more there and he simply didn't have the heart and/or strength of will to make it happen. Maybe rehabbing the absolute living hell out of his knee wouldn't have changed anything, but mabye it would have...? But we'll never know. Just like we'll never know whether the 2001-02 Sacramento Kings might have won the title if only Webber wouldn't have gotten a case of the yips during all the close games. Sometimes playing The What If Game can be fun. But as it pertains to Webber and his career, it's just painful. And kind of depressing.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Dwyane Wade, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Kyle Korver, Mark Cuban, Miami Heat, NBA Worsties, Shaq

My latest article for Deadspin allows you, the fans, to choose this NBA season's Least Valuable Player. The candidates include Antoine Walker, Jason Kidd, Raef LaFrentz, Shaq (the Miami Heat version), Stephon Marbury, the Phoenix Suns bench, and a bunch of other guys who really suck ass.

What are you waiting for?! Go vote!

Labels: Antoine Walker, Jason Kidd, Least Valuable Player, Phoenix Suns, Raef LaFrentz, Shaq, Stephon Marbury

Bobby Simmons and Charlie Bell: I know that I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating: Simmons was Milwaukee's big free agent signing in the summer of 2005 (5 years, $49 million), and Bell was resigned - against his will, no less - by the Bucks last summer (five years, $18 million). I'm no financeologist, but the Bucks aren't getting much of a return on their two huge (and seemingly foolish) investments. Last night, Bell scored 6 points on 2-for-10 shooting and Simmons barely missed a seven trillion by bricking a shot and grabbing a single rebound. Memo to self: Contact Bucks management and ask if they'd like to invest in some rural Indiana swamp land; describe as a nice "fixer upper" opportunity.

Nick Young: The Washington rookie scored a career-high 22 points on, like, nine dunks in a win over the Bucks. But he decided to give the stink-eye to Milwaukee center Andrew Bogut, who -- according to the Associated Press -- "knocked the rookie guard aside like a rag doll." Here's some advice, rook: Guards should not challenge big men. Unless it's Shawn Bradley, and he's not even in the league anymore.

Seattle SuperSonics: I know the Sonics aren't exactly defensive stalwarts -- they're ranked sixth in the league at 105 PPG allowed -- but last night they let Mike Dunleavy Jr. beat them with 32 points on 10-for-16 shooting. And he had an ankle injury! I have a few simple rules that I live by, and one of them is this: Never trust a team that let's Mike Dunleavy Jr. pull a Willis Reed on them.

Donyell Marshall and Francisco Elson: When you're traded to a really lousy team -- in this case, the 16-win SuperSonics -- and you still can't get any PT, chances are you're about 18 games away from being out of the league. Here's hoping D-Marsh and Geico both both invested in a nice 401K plan.

Jarrett Jack: Somebody must have replaced this kid's shooting eye with a glass marble, or maybe an old radish. JJ hit only one of his eight shots last night. He's 13-for-41 (31 percent) in the month of March.

Antoine Walker: You might have missed this -- I know I did -- but Kevin McHale didn't buy out Walker's contract. That means Employee #8 is still a Timberwolf. And it might shock you to discover this, but he's not happy about it. "Obviously, they're rebuilding, and obviously I'm not in the future plans, so I felt like maybe there was an opportunity for me to leave. They wanted money back that I wasn't willing to give back. It didn't work out that way. We'll just have to play it out, six weeks, and then we'll see what happens in the summer." Walker, who's averaging 8 PPG on 36 percent shooting, is making $8.5 million this season. He said that the team "low-balled" him, offering a buyout he felt was unreasonable and "ridiculous, actually." The only thing that would be ridiculous would be offering Walker anything more than cab fare and a few Rainbow Brite stickers. But here's some good news for 'Toine fans: His official Web site is coming soon! Personally, I can't wait.


Utah Jazz: One of the most dangerous obstacles in the NBA is what's known as The Trap Game, where a good team plays poorly and drops a game to an inferior team on the road. And that's what happened to the Jazz last night against the Bulls. Utah shot 42 percent, got outrebounded, and turned the ball over 17 times (to 18 assists). Said Jazz coach Jerry Sloan: "They beat us with points in the paint (48-34). They drove down the middle. We got out of the way and let them shoot layups. They were the aggressors from the beginning and we never did get to that point. We just tried to outscore them." Not good. The Jazz can't afford many more of these brainfarts. One loss is the equivalent of three or four losses in this crazy Western Conference playoff race.

Jim Boylan: Despite the constant and open rebellion of crappy players like Aaron Gray, Chris Duhon, and Tyrus Thomas, Boylan is, amazingly, still trying to keep his job. Personally, I think he should just resign and try something a little less stressful, like poisonous food taste tester, or wild animal masturbator, which, according to Popular Science, can be accomplished in a variety of ways, from ramming an electric probe up an animal's rectum, shoving an artificial vagina onto the animal's penis, or simply doing it the old-fashioned way...manual stimulation. All I'm saying, Jim, is that you should probably keep your options open. Anyway, Boylan obviously took a course in Coaching Platitudes 101, which enabled him to make the following statement after the Bulls inexplicably stunned the Jazz: "When people question our team, I respond that we have guys in the locker room with a lot of character who care about their craft and work at it. The guys were hurt the last couple days. There were a lot of things swirling around our team, and no one likes to see that stuff in the paper. This is a basketball team, not a soap opera." Too bad. At least all the drama would actually make sense on a soap opera.

The "ironmen" on the Phoenix Suns bench: Even though this video is sure to appear on every basketball-related Web site and blog in the universe, my favorite Phoenix Suns fan asked me to post it...and I never say "no" to a Suns fan. (Don't get any funny ideas, starang.) Quick explanation: Shaq goes running toward his team's bench in hot pursuit of a loose ball, and those dudes scrambled out of the way like a bunch of 10-year-old girls. Actually, I take that back, since it's an insult to 10-year-old girls everywhere. Now, here's the video:


Vladimir Radmanovic: The Radman finally cracked the Lakers' starting lineup and immediately proved why he hadn't already been in the Lakers' starting lineup: Zero points (0-for-5) and 1 personal foul in 19 minutes. Don't worry though, Vlad. Coby Karl saved a nice spot on the end of the bench for you.

Ginger Grant: Fans of Gilligan's Island probably already know this, but the "Ginger versus Mary Ann" debate took a stuning turn in the Mary Ann direction yesterday when Dawn Wells, the actress who played the hillbilly hottie, was arrested for reckless driving, possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia, and driving under the influence. Wells' official cover story is that she picked up some hitchhikers and then kicked them out when they started smoking something, although a friend of hers also told her lawyer that he left the drugs in the car when he borrowed it earlier that day. Whatever. There's no shame in being a party girl.

Center for Disease Control and Prevention: Don't you just hate it when a federal health organization has to rain all over the free love parade? The CDC just released a study which found that at least one in every four American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. This means that we can no longer trust our naughty teens to be clean and innocent. Turns out that they're only naughty. And here's another shocker that's based on nothing more than my own personal observations during random Internet searches: Some, if not most of them, aren't even teens!

Labels: Antoine Walker, Chicago Bulls, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Milwaukee Bucks, Phoenix Suns, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz

Antoine Walker: Basketbawful reader Jochem de Graas was quick to pick up on the rather laughable pretext for Employee #8's absence from the Timberwolve's matchup against the Raptors: "The reason Antoine Walker didn't play last night: Minnesota forward Antoine Walker didn't travel to Toronto because of what Wittman called 'a passport problem.' On the bottom under game notes. That's more creative then flu-like symptons." True enough, Jochem. If the NBA ever expands to Europe, I predict that "passport problems" will become the new "flu-like symptoms." You heard it here first, folks.

The Orlando Magic starting backcourt: Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans combined to score only 2 points (1-for-6) in 43 minutes of lack-tion. Nelson at least dished out 7 assists; Evans' line of zero points, zero rebounds, zero assists, 1 turnover, 1 steal and 1 foul made me wonder whether something tragic had happened to a close family member. His mind obviously wasn't in the game, and his body was barely there either.

Kevin Martin: We did mention that he's The Man in Sacramento now that Mike Bibby's gone, right? Well, when's he going to start playing like it? Speedracer scored a mere 6 points on 2-for-9 shooting against Bibby's new team. And the rest of his stat line was just as uninspiring: 1 rebound, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, 2 steals, 2 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -19...worst on the team. Also, the Atlanta backcourt lit the place on fire (Bibby had 24 points and 12 assists, Joe Johnson scored 26). I do like me a good revenge game. Congrats, Bib. It's too bad that, at the end of the day, you're still a Hawk.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" once again. Two night after getting ejected for arguing an out-of-bounds call, Hinrich got benched 56 seconds into the third quarter -- for Larry Hughes, no less -- and never returned. Said Chicago coach Jungle Jim Boylan: "I said there's competition out here. Bring your 'A' game or come down and sit next to me. That's the way that went tonight. I just didn't like the way the first couple possessions went. Everybody's accountable and there are no exceptions." Hinrich scored 6 points (2-for-3) and dished 3 assists in the 16 minutes and 35 seconds he was on the floor. After the game, he left the locker room "quickly without commenting."

Shawne Williams: According to the AP game recap, "Pacers F Shawne Williams (personal reasons) left at halftime and didn’t return." Well, here are those reasons: "A man wanted for murder in Memphis, Tenn., was arrested Wednesday night after leaving the home of Indiana Pacers forward Shawne Williams on the Northeastside, according to Indianapolis metropolitan police." It doesn't get much more "personal" than harboring a murdering fugitive from justice, does it. For his part, Williams said, "I feel like I let my organization (and) my teammates down, along with the Simon brothers (team owners Mel and Herb) and my family." Williams also said that he "wasn't very close" with Rollins, and would be more careful in the future. Mind you, this incident comes only a few days after a woman was allegedly raped at Marquis Daniels' home (though not by Daniels) during a "small gathering." Man, the Pacers really need to start making better friends.

Travis Diener: This is how I put it in my NBA Closer column over at Deadspin: "After Larry Hughes lit the Pacers up for 29 points (10-for-19) in Chicago's 113-107 victory, Dick Diener's little nephew shamelessly abused the English language by stringing the following nonsense words together: "[Hughes] is a good player. There's a reason he has a big contract. They don't just throw money away to [bad] players." Oh yes they do, Travis. They most certainly do. Exhibit A: Stephon Marbury is currently making $20,109,375 (the third highest salary in the league). Exhibit B: Raef LaFrentz (1.7 PPG, 1.6 RPG) is making $11,813,750. Exhibit C: Antoine Walker and Kwame Brown are both making around $9 million this season...and Employee #8 still has three years and $30 million left on his contract! (Have fun choking down that buyout, Kevin.) So I think it's been pretty firmly established that "they" do indeed reward bad players with fat contracts."

Wally Szczerbiak: Wasn't Wally World supposed to be an upgrade over Larry Hughes? On a night in which Hughes led his new team to victory on the road by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting, Szczerbiak scored 12 points on 3-for-13 shooting...a performance so close to the Cleveland Cavaliers version of Larry Hughes that I'm starting to wonder if the two players didn't just switch bodies or something.

Dwyane Jones and Billy Thomas: These two men arose from the Cleveland bench to play 29 seconds a piece and go zero-for-everything. Yet, amazingly, they both had a +/- score of +5, which tied for second-best on the team -- and much, much better than LeBron's -13. So I guess that means the Cavs would have won if those guys had just gotten some more playing time, right? Riiiiight. I just love these New Age stats.

Brian Scalabrine: A few weeks ago, Brian was Boston's starting power forward. Now that Kevin Garnett has returned to the lineup, he's racked up six straight DNP-CDs. Of course, we're supposed to believe he has a strained right groin and not a case of the "Thanks for filling in and everything, but now that KG's back we don't really need you anymore."

LeBron James: The King scored the 10,000th point of his NBA career, becoming the youngest player in league history to reach the 10K mark (23 years and 59 days). But James' misguided shooting (7-for-24) sunk the Cavs' chances of upsetting the Celtics in Boston. (And yes, I know he sprained his ankle.)

The Charlotte Bobcats: They didn't just lose to the Knicks, they got blown the hell out. Sure, Gerald Wallace was out and Jason Richardson left early because he got poked in the eye. But we at Basketbawful have exacting standards, and every loss to New York warrants a mention in Worst of the Night.

Eddy Curry: On a night when the Knicks were lighting up the scoreboard like an old-school pinball machine, E-City scored zero points (0-for-3) and grabbed 3 rebounds in 15 minutes of listless lack-tion before getting intimately acquainted (again) with the Madison Square Garden bench.

The Phoenix Suns defense: This is probably a bogus Worst of the Night entry, since there is no Phoenix Suns defense. Also, Boris Diaw continued to suck, so badly in fact that I'm not even going to give him his own entry. He is officially dead to me.

Rasheed Wallace: 'Sheed had another one of "those games," shooting 2-for-12 from the field and 0-for-5 beyond the arc. There's no word as of yet how many of those three-point attempts were left-handed.

The Seattle SuperSonics defense: Yet another nonexistent D. The Sonics played defense with the passion and fire of a bunch of cardboard cutouts of the Wizard of Oz munchkins, giving up an NBA season-high in points (138) and a Denver franchise record in field goal percentage (67). If we find out later today that Bill Walton's head exploded last night, I promise you this game will be the reason why.

Kevin Durant: I just hate this guy's game. I hate it. I read yesterday that a TrueHoop reader compared Durant to Pistol Pete Maravich and I swear to my savage pagan gods that I projectile vomited on the spot. Are you kidding me? No, seriously, are you kidding me?! The comparison is valid only insomuch as any high-scoring, heralded rookie who has a rough start in the league could be compared to Pete. The exact same thing could have been said about Adam Morrison last year. The difference is, Pete Maravich was an absolute sensation in college, and in the NBA, even if his first season went much more poorly than expected. Durant does not possess the Pistol's artistry nor his flare for the dramatic, not to mention his crazy handles. Maravich was one-of-a-kind..he revolutionized the way the game was played! Yeaargh! Okay. Okay, I'm done. Michael from Seattle, I know you'll never see this, but please, for the love of all that's pure and good about the sport of professional basketball, do not ever blaspheme the name of Pete Maravich like that again. (Sidenote: Durant scored 16 points on 17 shots last night. Potential ROYs should be able to average at least one point per shot, in my book.)

Blazers versus Clippers: This ended up being a very exciting game, but the first three quarters, well, they weren't exactly easy on the eyes. As Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm put it in an email to me: "Hragnn...Clippers...39...Portland...42...with 7:45 gnarhc...in 3rd quarter...negativ basketbooool, maiking...meee stooopid..."

Labels: Antoine Walker, Charlotte Bobcats, Eddy Curry, Kevin Durant, Kirk Hinrich, Lebron James, Phoenix Suns, Wally Szczerbiak

DeSagana Diop: The Man The Mavericks Should Not Have Given Up had yet another sucksational game last night: Zero points (0-for-0), 3 rebounds, 1 blocked shot, and 5 fouls in 9 minutes of lack-tion. For the record, those are Greg Kite-like numbers.

Vince Carter: Half-Man, Half-I-Hate-Physical-Contact led the Nets with 26 points, but it took him 23 shots to get there. And according to the shot chart, 18 of those attempts were jumpers...seven of which were catapulted from at least 27 feet out. I'll give him a mulligan on the 42-footer he launched at the end of the second quarter, but that doesn't change the fact that he's not even trying to take it to the rim anymore.

Sacramento Kings: Well, it had to happen at some point. Some unlucky team was going to hand the Miami Heat their 10th win of the season, and that unlucky team was the Kings. And they did it in truly craptacular fashion, scoring 11 points in the third quarter on 2-for-20 shooting en route to a 21-point blowout.

Ron Artest: If you haven't already read about Ron Artest's soon-to-be-famous "They were trying to get government cheese, and I'm Kraft" quote, you have now. Now that Mike Bibby is out of the picture, Artest finally has the chance to be the Big Cheese in Sacramento. But last night, he was just the Big Cheez Whiz, shooting 3-for-14 and getting lit up on defense.

Pat Riley: I know it's been a long time between wins, but that doesn't really explain the following post-game quote from Riles: "I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don’t know where to start." And I feel like a dog in a backyard trying to decide whether or not to eat my own poop.

The Cleveland Cavaliers' end-of-game defense: LeBron James hit a layup with 5.9 seconds left, after which the Bucks inbounded to Michael Redd, who drove unmolested down the length of the court before hitting the game-winning shot at the buzzer over the outstretched hands of Wally Szczerbiak. Said LeBron: "There's nothing you can do about that. The guy made a 35-footer fading away." Well, first of all, it was a 27-footer, and second of all...nothing you can do about it?! There were less than 6 seconds left in the game. They knew Redd would have to take the ball at least 70 feet and take a quick shot, so why not double-team him or use a full-court press to get the ball out of his hands. Why give the opposing team's best player a chance to win the game?

Wally Szczerbiak: Not only did he get immortalized in Redd's poster, Wally World shot 5-for-18 from the field. You know, when the Cavs acquired him to fill Larry Hughes shooter/scorer role, they didn't intend for him to actually shoot like Larry Hughes. How's that PER comparison looking now, Mr. Hollinger?

Yi Jianlian: Haven't heard Yi's name in the highlights lately? There's a reason for that. He sucks. Last night Yao's heir scored 2 points (0-for-1) in 15 minutes of off-the-bench lack-tion. Kwame Brown and Andrea Bargnani had better look out...Yi is starting to eye the "Worst Draft Pick Ever" crown.

ESPN's NBA Playlist: Can you find Waldo in ESPN's playlist of videos from last night's NBA action? Here, let me help you...


Raja Bell: On a night in which his team shot almost 60 percent from the field, Raja missed all his two-point field goal attempts and hit only 3-for-12 overall. Didn't Shaq say he was going to make Raja the best shooter in the league? He's only 8-for-29 in the four games he's played with the Big Cactus.

Kwame Brown: From starting center to DNP-CD in just one game.

Marc Iavaroni: After his Grizzlies got caught in the Suns' bear trap, the former Phoenix assistant said: "I think they were just trying to outscore us." There's some crack analysis, huh? First off, it's the Phoenix Suns. Secondly, isn't the goal of every basketball game to outscore your opponents? Just checking, but I'm pretty sure that's the case.

Utah Jazz: There is no excuse whatsoever for a Western Conference playoff contender and division leader to lose to the Minnesota Timberwolves. For today, I am ashamed to be a Jazz fan.

Antoine Walker: You'll notice he hasn't been on the Minnesota roster for a few games. That's because Fatoine wants the T-Wolves to buy him out so he can go get more playing time for a contender. You might be tempted to think that last sentence was the result of all the glue I sniffed this morning, but I promise you that it's the God's honest truth.

Fickle Fate: Yao Ming, injured again, this time with a stress fracture in his left foot. It's not easy being a giant, it just isn't. And it looks like Yao may require surgery to implant a couple screws in his foot to hold the bones together. I'm guessing that wouldn't do a lot to improve his already limited mobility. I can't tell you how much Yao's injury saddens and disappoints me.

The Washington Wizards: The Wiz scored a franchise-low 23 points in the first half, shot 31 percent for the game, and received a 94-69 spanking from the now Yao-less Rockets. Remember all those "They're playing so well without Gilbert Arenas" stories? Man, that seems like a long time ago.

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith followed up his first-ever game-winning shot with an ugly 5-point, 2-for-12 performance. I guess he celebrated a little too hard the night before.

Dikembe Mutombo: The ancient center had this to say after starting in place of the injured Yao: "I believe I set the tempo early and everybody just followed." Now, don't get me wrong, because Mount Mutombo played pretty well for an old guy. But well past the point of setting tempo, unless it's for a funeral march. Edit: Oops. I was wrong. He really did set the tempo.

Seattle SuperSonics: It's not so much that they lost -- I stopped expecting anything out of the Sonics months ago -- it's that they let Austin Croshere beat them (14 points, 6-for-6 shooting, all in the second half). You can never trust a team that gets beaten by Austin Croshere.

Al Harrington: He scored 5 points on 2-for-9 shooting last night. That's not his worst game of the season, but it is a reminder that the Harrington-for-Dunleavy Jr. swap has -- so far -- been a bigger benefit for the Pacers than the Warriors. And that's bad.

Kelenna Azubuike: This second-year man out of London, England was last night's one trillion award winner. Congratulations, Kelenna!

Derek Fisher: Fish was a big part of the Lakers' resurgence earlier this season, but he's been The Forgotten Man in L.A.'s offense since the Pau Gasol trade. And last night's 2-point performance was the first game this season he failed to hit a single field goal (0-for-4).

Labels: Antoine Walker, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeSagana Diop, Dikembe Mutombo, Pat Riley, Ron Artest, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, Utah Jazz, Vince Carter, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards

Al Horford: Yeah, I know it was an accident and everything, but Horford's foul on T.J. Ford looked pretty bad. Not only that, it ended with Ford -- who missed the entire 2004-05 season after neck surgery -- getting carried off the floor on a stretcher. Ford is going to be hospitalized overnight, so we'll know more tomorrow, but Raptors spokesman Jim LaBumbard confirmed that Ford "had feeling in his upper and lower extremities when he was taken off the floor." So let's keep our fingers and toes crossed for this kid.

Fun fact: I feel kind of like a jerk for saying this, but you know, Ford might not have gotten hurt if the refs had just made the call on what was a pretty obvious travel. I mean, he took three full steps after his last dribble.

Josh Smith: Maybe Smith had a hot date after the game or something, because his mind sure wasn't focused on playing basketball. The Hawks' second-leading scorer (18.4 PPG) had put up 28, 25, and 25 in his last three games, but tonight he scored only 5 points (2-11), committed 7 turnovers, and fouled out in 28 minutes of action.

Fun fact: Raptors rookie Jamario Moon hasn't attempted a freethrow since November 30. In fact, he's only gone to the line in 8 of the Hawks 21 games this season for a total of 18 freethrow attempts.

Indiana Pacers: These guys just can't seem to stay above .500. They were down 21 after the first quarter (37-16) and never seriously threatened after that. Lebron James finally returned from his tender vagina sprained left index finger, but the real story was the return of Larry Hughes. In only his second game back from an 11-game absence (bruised leg), Hughes scored 36 points (13-17) in only 26 minutes of action. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "I thought they had two Lebron Jameses out there."

Fun fact: With Lebron and Hughes both out, Eric Snow had actually been getting some big minutes (for him). Now that those guys are back, I figured he'd be back on the bench, waving towels and passing out Gatorade during timeouts. Fortunately for him, Daniel Gibson missed the game with "a wisdom tooth problem," and so Snow was once again called upon to provide a warm body: 2 points (1-1) in 29 minutes. He's now scored a grand total of 10 points this season on 2-15 shooting.

Antoine Walker: I was tempted to bust on Minnesota's Chris Richard and his line of 9 minutes, 1 rebound, and 1 foul. But to be fair, the kid's a rookie who was drafted in the second round. But Walker -- who played 8 minutes, scored 2 points (1-6), grabbed 1 rebound, and committed 2 turnovers -- that guy's a three-time All-Star and a...a...a former NBA champion (yes, I just threw up in my mouth a little). Now he's playing garbage minutes on the worst team in the league. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Fun fact: On December 17, 2001, Walker shot 0-11 from three-point range, thus setting the record for most three-point attempts by a player in one game without a make.

New Jersey Nets: They shot 32 percent (26-81). Kidd had one of his patented triple-doubles -- 11 points, 10 rebounds, 11 assists -- but he and the rest of the Nets' "Big Three" (Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson) shot a combined 14-46 from the floor. Think Kidd wants out? You'd better believe it.

Fun fact: Jason Collins went scoreless again, marking the 14th time in 23 games that he hasn't scored a single point. He has more than twice as many fouls (62) as points (26). Keep in mind, the man is seven feet tall, 260 pounds, and a starting center in the NBA. Even Greg Ostertag wasn't this bad.

Brevin Night: Remember how a few seasons ago he was averaging 12 points and 9 assists per game? Heck, he was second in the league in assists to Steve Nash during Nash's first MVP season. Now he's transformed into Eric Snow 2.0. His line against the Nets was: 29 minutes, zero points (0-3), 2 rebounds, 7 assists. He also had his first blocked shot of the season, which puts him only one blocked shot behind Zach Randolph.

Seattle Supersonics: You know, young, unproven teams are supposed to bring hustle and passion to every single game. That's how respect is earned. Well, apparently, the Sonics don't feel like they have much to prove. The whole team looked lethargic in their 27-point loss to the Bulls. After they were outscored 40-18 in the second quarter, they basically just gave up and went through the motions until the final buzzer. As an aside, Chicago is in the midst of a little mini-surge. They've won three of four and actually look like the Bulls of last season.

Fun fact: Some people have been leaving comments that I've been unfair in my criticism of Kevin Durant, so I decided to watch him very closely last night. And you know what? I wasn't that impressed. It's not all negative; he runs the floor well, has a real nose for the basket, and is generally able to get his shot off when he needs to. But he's completely one-dimensional; he's a scorer and that's it. He had one lonely rebound, and not once did he crash the boards or even commit himself to blocking out his man. He defense was substandard at best. And he really doesn't create for his teammates. I know this was only one game, and not one of his better games of the season. Even so, I'm just not seeing anything from this kid that I haven't seen before from volume shooters.

Utah Jazz: They lost their fourth straight game to the suddenly surging Blazers (9-12). To make matters worse, they lost at home (where they had been 8-1) to a lousy road team (they had been 1-9) that was missing their leading scorer (LaMarcus Aldridge). Most of the Jazz were misfiring all night: Deron Williams (4-14), Mehmet Okur (3-10), Matt Harpring (1-5), Gordan Giricek (1-8), Jason Hart (2-7), and C.J. Miles (2-7). But Utah's biggest problem was the fact that Andre Kirilenko transformed into the Invisible Man: 25 minutes, 3 points (1-3), 4 rebounds, zero assists, 2 turnovers. Yes, Carlos Boozer and Williams are the twin engines that run the Jazz, but Kirilenko is the catalyst, the game changer, the defensive stopper. When he's not doing what he does, the Jazz become a pretty mediocre team.

Fun fact: Jaron Collins must be having a Suck-Off Competition with his brother Jason. Jaron's line was 2 points (0-1), 2 rebounds, and 1 foul in 13 mintues of action. I don't know what's more pathetic, that stat line or the fact that it was vastly superior to Jason's line (see above).

San Antonio Spurs: Playing without Tim Duncan finally caught up with them. Pretty much everybody on the team sucked last night except...Matt Bonner?! Yes, that's right, Bonner was fantastic: 25 points (9-16) and 17 rebounds. But before you run off to pick him up for your fantasy team, keep in mind that those numbers are about 25 points and 17 rebounds higher than his season averages.

Fun fact: When Bonner was drafted in 2003, Jay Bilas referred to him as a "poor man's Brian Scalabrine." Three years later, in his NBA preview on ESPN.com, Chad Ford ironically called Scalabrine a "poor man's Matt Bonner." And life comes full circle.

Robert Horry: Hm, 8 minutes, zero points (0-1), 2 rebounds, 1 assist, and several applications of Ben-Gay. Yeah, I'd say he's showing his age.

Troy Hudson: He went above and beyond the call of duty, notching the exceedingly rare two trillion.

Labels: Al Horford, Antoine Walker, Eric Snow, Indiana Pacers, Josh Smith, New Jersey Nets, Seattle Supersonics, T.J.Ford, Worst of the Night

Last night at around 5:30 p.m., Antoine Walker was robbed at gunpoint in his Chicago home. The criminals got away with cash, jewelry, and a vehicle of some kind. Walker and two other people were in the house at the time of the robbery, and they're all okay.

Since nobody got hurt, I don't feel too bad about commenting on the irony of the situation, since Walker robbed the Miami Heat of over $7 million last season, and he's going to steal another $40 million from them over the next four years. It's also ironic that the bandits robbed him at gunpoint, since Walker himself is a shooter with little (or no) conscience*.

Strangely enough, this isn't the first time Walker was a victim of armed robbery in his hometown. In July 2000, he and Nazr Mohammed (and three other non-famous people) were robbed at gunpoint outside a restaurant. That time the thieves got away with cash and a $55,000 watch.

*Despite being a career 32 percent three-point shooter, Walker currently ranks sixth all-time in three-point attempts (4,076), trailing only Dale Ellis (4,266), Nick Van Exel (4,278), Tim Hardaway (4,345), Ray Allen (4,839), and Reggie Miller (6,486). Assuming Walker keeps firing away at his current pace -- he tossed up over 300 three-point bombs last season despite hitting only 27 percent of them -- he'll pass Ellis, Van Exel, and Hardaway this season to move into the third spot. Crazy. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes ever: When asked by a reporter why he attempted so many threes, Walker responded, "Because there are no fours." I never get tired of repeating that.

Nobody can ever steal his championship...although we all kind of wish we could.
Update: How could I report on a member of the Miami Heat getting victimized by crime without a gratuitous mention of Shaq's status as a reserve police officer (with both the L.A. Port and Miami Beach Police Departments) and an honorary U.S. Deputy Marshal? That's what you might call irresponsible journalism. Fortunately, reader padraig saved me with the following comment: "I'm sure Reserve Officer O'Neal is in hot pursuit of the ne'er-do-wells, unless he's too busy with his anti-child obesity campaign. Do you think Shaq was the first person Antoine called after the fact? I like to think so."

You read it here first, evildoers. I suggest you turn yourselves in immediately, or face the threat of capture (and possible body cavity search) by Officer "I could kill your thieving ass with one clubbing blow" Shaq.

You have the right to remain silent......while Shaq grabs your ass.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Miami Heat, robbery, three-point shooting

This is the second part of the sad tale of why the Celtics will suck forever. You can go back and read Part 1 if for some reason you enjoy really depressing stories.

1998-99: The Celtics draft Paul Pierce, which ends up being the first good draft choice the team has made since selecting Rick Fox in 1991. But the reality is that the team is still dependent on guys like Vitaly Potapenko, Tony Battie, and Dana Barros. 'Nuff said. The C's finish 19-31 in a lockout shortened season and, again, fail to make the playoffs.

1999-00: Rick Pitino continues to destroy the Celtics*. Thanks to some of his earlier deals, the Celtics don't have a draft pick until the 26th spot of the second round. Pitino still manages to screw that one up by selecting Kris Clack (who never plays for the Celtics -- or any other NBA team) instead of Manu Ginobili. For some reason, the Celtics trade Ron Mercer in order to reaquire Eric Williams (despite the fact that he had suffered a serious knee injury). They also get Danny Fortson in the deal. Antoine Walker and Paul Pierce both pour in 20 PPG but shoot in the low 40s. The season's most memorable moment is when Pitino gives his famous "Larry Bird is not walking through that door…" speech. The team plays no defense and finishes 35-47. They don’t reach the playoffs. Again.

*During the summer of 2000, I was in Chicago’s O’Hare airport waiting to catch a plane to Myrtle Beach when I looked over and noticed Rick Pitino waiting for the same flight. Being a long-time Celtics fan, I had grown to hate this man the way that Holocaust survivors hate Hitler. As I walked through First Class where he was sitting, I yelled at him, "Hey Pitino, you screwed over Red Auerbach and destroyed the Celtics. Good job." He didn’t respond or even look at me, but I hope my diatribe had something to do with his resignation the next season.

2000-01: Pitino drafts Jerome Moiso (who plays only 24 games and averages 1.5 PPG) instead of Quentin Richardson, Jamaal Magloire, or Michael Redd. On Septemer 25, 2000, Paul Pierce is hit in the head with a champagne bottle and stabbed 11 times in the neck and back outside a Boston nightclub. The attack punctures Pierce's left lung and surgery is required to save his life. Miraculously, Pierce recovers and plays all 82 games an sets career highs in points, assists, field goal percentage, and minutes. However, the team starts out 12-22, and, as a result, Pitino finally cracks and resigns with a record of 102-146 as the Celtics coach (he later admits he never would have taken the job if he'd known the team wouldn't be able to draft Tim Duncan). Pitino is replaced by Jim O'Brien as coach and Chris Wallace as General Manager, and Red Auerbach is reinstated as Team President. O'Brien coaches the team to a respectable 24-24 finish which, despite the 36-46 overall record, gives reason to hope.

2001-02: The Celtics have the 10th, 11th, and 21st picks in the draft, and they select Joe Johnson, Kedrick Brown, and Joseph Forte over guys like Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, and Mehmet Okur. Their one good selection, Johnson, is dealt to the Phoenix Suns in a midseason trade for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk. Jim O'Brien works some serious coaching magic, leading the team to 49 wins and a trip to the Eastern Conference Finals, where they fall to the New Jersey Nets in six games. During this series, the Boston crowd shows how far they've fallen by serenading Jason Kidd with chants of "wife beater" throughout Games 3 and 4.

2002-03: Due to earlier trades, the Celtics don't draft until the 21st spot of the second round. They select Darius Songaila. The team trades Kenny Anderson, Vitaly Potepenko, and Joseph Forte for Shammon Williams and a fat Vin Baker (and his even fatter $12 million contract). Baker manages to average 11 PPG and 8 RPG, but turns out to be a binge-drinking alcoholic. Coach Jim O'Brien repeatedly smells alcohol on Baker's Twinkie-coated breath and confronts him about it. The team is forced to suspend Baker and eventually releases him. Danny Ainge is hired as the Executive Director of Basketball Operations. The team loses a step without Anderson, who was their floor leader, and wins only 44 games. The team does qualify for the playoffs, but they are knocked out in the second round by the New Jersey Nets.

2003-04: Danny Ainge drafts Troy Bell, Dahntay Jones, and Brandon Hunter instead of players like Boris Diaw, Leandro Barbosa, Josh Howard, Luke Walton, or even Kyle Korver. Bell and Jones never play for the team, and Hunter is a bust. Ainge also trades Antoine Walker and Tony Delk to the Dallas Mavericks for Raef LaFrentz (along with his chronic injuries and ginormous contract) and a draft pick. Ainge feuds with coach Jim O'Brien, then trades Eric Williams and Tony Battie to Cleveland for Ricky Davis, Chris Mihm, and Jiri Welsch. O'Brien resigns in disgust with the team only 22-24. John Carroll takes over as coach and the team struggles to a 14-22 finish. The C's 36-46 record is (amazingly) good enough to make the playoffs...where the team is promptly swept in the first round by the Indiana Pacers. It's important to note that the Celtics were part of the trade that sent Rasheed Wallace to Detroit, which helped propel the Pistons to the 2004 NBA championship.

2004-05: The Celtics have a successful draft by selecting Al Jefferson, Delonte West, and Tony Allen. They also manage to dump the salaries of Chris Mihm, Chucky Atkins, and Jumaine Jones by picking up Gary Payton and Rick Fox (who immediately retires) from the Lakers. Danny Ainge hires Doc Rivers to coach the team. During the season, Ainge trades Payton to the Atlanta Hawks in order to reaquire Antoine Walker. The Hawks release Payton, who immediately resigns with the Celtics. The team manages to win 45 games and captures their first Atlantic Division title since the 1991-92 season. However, they lose in the first round to the Pacers, who finish them off in Game 7 at the Fleet Center.

2005-2006: Danny Ainge lets Gary Payton walk as a free agent and completes a sign-and-trade deal that sends Antoine Walker to the Miami Heat for Qyntel Woods and Curtis Borchardt (neither of whom ever play for the Celtics), two future second round picks, the rights to a Spanish center who never plays for them, cash, and some old Rainbow Bright trading cards. Ainge also signs Brian Scalabrine to a five year, $5 million contract. During the season, Ainge trades Ricky Davis, Mark Blount, and Marcus Banks to the Minnesota Timberwolves for Wally Szczerbiak (and his bad knees), Michael Olowokandi (and his lousy work ethic), and Dwayne Jones. Paul Pierce plays like an MVP, but the team finishes with a 33-49 record and doesn’t make the playoffs.

2006-07: The Celtics trade for Sebastian Telfair instead of drafting Brandon Roy; Telfair proves to be a bad fit, gets into legal trouble and is eventually released while Roy goes on to become the Rookie of the Year. Red Auerbach dies. Doc Rivers continues to "coach." Paul Pierce gets "injured" and the team begins to tank. This leads to a franchise-worst 18-game losing streak in the midst of a 2-22 stretch that lasts from December 2006 to February 2007. Dennis Johnson dies. The team finishes 24-58, which is the second worst record in the NBA. The team gives Rivers a contract extension. The Celtics effectively mortgage their future in the hopes of landing the first or second pick in the draft (and thus the chance of selecting Greg Oden or Kevin Durant). Instead, the Celtics end up with the fifth pick, which was (of course) the worst possible slot they could have drawn. It becomes official: the Celtics are doomed forever.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Boston Celtics, Danny Ainge, Destrucity, Doc Rivers, NBA Draft, Paul Pierce, various Celtics players