Pau and Kobe

Are you tired of the same old boring, repetitive formula in these stupid "Worst of the Night" posts? We know we are. So we've kidnapped Basketbawful and locked him in a room where he's being forced -- Clockwork Orange-style -- to watch highlights of the greatest player to ever come into contact with a round ball covered in dead cow skin: Kobe Bean Bryant. So, for one day at least, you won't have to put up with the mindless hate and jealousy this guy pukes forth day after day after day after day. And you'll get some real basketball insight from somebody who actually watches NBA games instead of sitting around in his parent's basement defiling Kobe Bryant bobblehead dolls with his dark voodoo arts.

The Golden State Warriors: The Warriors are currently the eighth seed in the Western Conference. This means that, if the playoffs started in April, they'd have to play the number one seed...the Los Angeles Lakers! Do you think a leaderless team that gets their butts handed to them by the Charlotte Bobcats has a snowflake's chance in a pottery kiln against a team that's guided by one of history's greatest leaders? Here's the answer: No way, Jose! You know what else I hate about this team? They're named after that stupid movie Shaq's always quoting. Well, Shaq, now that you're a Phoenix Sun and they suck bunghole, CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Fun fact: Here's a short list of history's most distinguished leaders, from great to greatest: Pope John Paul II, Kobe Bryant (1996-97 through 1998-99), Franklin Roosevelt, Kobe Bryant (1999-00 through 2002-03), Ho Chi Minh, Kobe Bryant (2003-04 through 2006-07), Mohandas Gandhi, and Kobe Bryant (2007-08).

Marco Belinelli and C.J. Watson: These "Warriors" each played 42 seconds and didn't do a single thing except take up space and waste perfectly breathable oxygen that should have been saved for someone more deserving, like, say, DJ Mbenga or Coby Karl. Do you think that Kobe would ever be blanked, even if he played less than a minute? That would never happen! You'd better believe that Kobe would find a way to drop 30 in that 42 seconds. We're talking about a man who would rip out his own intestines with a fork to win, and anybody who could perform evisceration on himself with an eating utensil could do anything.

The Washington Wizards: They lost by 30 at home to the Orlando Magic. Man, they weren't even trying to win. You'd better believe Kobe wouldn't put up with that crap if he was on that team. If you suit up in the same locker room with Kobe, you'd better bring it or he'll get your ass traded, like Shaq and Andrew Bynum. Well, Bynum would have been traded if he hadn't followed Kobe's lead and gotten his act together. You'd better be taking your rehab seriously, Andrew Bynum! Kobe's watching you!

Fun fact: Hey, Gilbert Arenas, why does your team suck so bad? Oh, wait. You're not even playing. "Boo, hoo, I'm Gilbert Arenas and I had knee surgery. Wah!" While you're sitting at home playing World of Warcraft and blogging about Jose Calderon, Kobe's playing through a very painful and emotionally traumatic pinkie injury! And he's not just chucking up shots like some would-be superstars, he's playing like an MVP and making everybody around him better, even worthless losers like Pau Gasol. Remember last year when you dropped 60 on the Lakers in L.A. and some stupid people started saying you were as good as Kobe? Ha! That was a long time ago, wasn't it Agent Zero?!

The Miami Heat: Hey, Pat Riley, ever hear of the term "karma"? Since I'm sure you're busy applying hair gel and celebrating the past when you were actually relevant, I'll tell you: Karma is the bad stuff that happens to people who do bad things. Well, your team fell to 11-47 after getting a little "don't drop the soap" treatment from the Toronto Dinosaurs. Sorry, but that's what happens when you cheat your way to an NBA title by paying off the refs. How does that karma feel up against your prostate, Riles? And Dwyane Wade, you were never as good as Kobe -- even before the injury -- and you never will be! As for you, Shawn Marion, how does it feel to finally get a chance to be The Man on a crappy team? What's that? You scored 5 points on 2-for-7 shooting? Marion, you are a quitter and a coward! You just didn't want to be on the Suns come playoff time when the Lakers give them the beatdown they deserve!

LeBron James: You make me sick, LeBron! Ever since you came into the league, you've been trying to steal Kobe's thunder. Kobe scored 52 on Sunday and then got the Arco Arena crowd to chant "M-V-P!" for him on Tuesday, and you just couldn't stand it, could you? Of course you couldn't, you narcissistic bastard. So you went out and scored 50 points -- to go along with 8 rebounds and 10 assists -- against a lousy team and got their depressed and disenchanated crowd to chant "M-V-P!" for you. Wow. Really impressive. Did you beat up a kindergartener for his lunch money before the game, too? But you didn't stop there, did you? You planted a "fan" in the crowd, wearing your jersey no less, and paid him to run down onto the court to praise your name. When did the NBA become the WWE? You'd better not win the MVP this season, LeBron James! You don't deserve it and you know it!

Fun fact: MVP voters hate Kobe Bryant. That's a proven, scientific fact. Exhibit A: Steve Nash - Two-time MVP award winner. Exhibit B: I don't need to present any more evidence! Nash won two MVPs because people think Kobe's a bad person. That's a travesty. Stop hating Kobe, MVP voters!

The New York Knicks: Make no mistake: They Knicks were in on it, too. Kind of like how the Clippers let David Robinson score 70 points or whatever to steal the scoring title away from Shaq back in 1994 (although, to be fair, "The Big Loser" probably had it coming). Everybody knows the Knicks hate Kobe Bryant! What did Kobe ever do to them? He loves New York, loves playing in Madison Square Garden. This kind of base betrayal makes me sick to my stomach. It's like Delilah cutting Samson's hair, or The Coca Cola Company forcing New Coke on us and then giving us "Classic" Coke which had a totally different formula. Screw you, New York Knicks!

Detroit versus Boston: I don't get why everybody was talking about this game yesterday. Sure, the Celtics won and therefore became the first team to clinch a playoff spot, but they're in the Eastern Conference for pity's sake! That's like clinching a playoff spot in the Wheaton Parks and Recreation Department Over 50 Pickup League. And sure, Boston swept the season series against the Lakers, but those games were played before Kobe was making Pau Gasol a better player. So enjoy your hollow victory, Bostonites. Winning the season series 2-1 and taking a 5-game lead over the Pistons only ensures that you'll get the honor of being the Lakers' hors d'oeuvres in the NBA Finals. And just so you know, Kobe loves cocktail weenies and Nutella, so be prepared!

Chris Paul: Nice game, Chris: 23 points and 18 assists. Now you're only 17,447 career points and 2,073 career assists away from Kobe's record-setting pace. How does the dust off of Kobe's shoes taste, Mr. Paul? Don't bother answering, because I'm gonna tell you: Like MVP, baby. You're officially out of the conversation.

The Houston Rockets: Ooooo, a 16-game winning streak! The Rockets are so scary...NOT! Hey, I'm sorry for not being impressed when somebody beats the Pacers, but Kobe beat them single-handedly in Game 4 of the 2000 NBA Finals after Shaq had fouled out. And that's when the Pacers were good! Houston, all you did was go in and slurp up Kobe's sloppy seconds. I hope you're proud of yourselves, because I'm sure not.

Fun fact: Tracy McGrady isn't a poor man's Kobe Bryant. He's not even a homeless man's Kobe Bryant. Have you seen this guy topless? I've seen manlier chests on grade school lunch ladies. Not to mention more facial hair. T-Mac's going to have to grow a pair before he's allowed in the same alphabet as K-O-B-E.

Kareem Rush: Only 4 points on 2-for-5 shooting and a +/- score of -20. Didn't you learn anything in your three seasons under the tutelage of Kobe Bryant? You should be ashamed to call yourself a former Laker, sir.

The Phoenix Suns: Ha ha, Phoenix! How's that Shaq trade working out for you? I hate these guys. All they do is bitch and moan about how the NBA title was "stolen" from them last year because "MVP" Steve Nash couldn't control his teammates. Do you think Ronny Turiaf or Vladimir Radmanovic would have gotten up off the bench if the Lakers had been playing the Spurs? Uh, no, no, and hell no! Kobe knows how to keep his teammates in line. Hey, Steve Nash! Kobe is a gracious man. I'm sure he would allow you to debase yourself in his presence and turn over the two MVP awards you stole from him. And Shaq, you can come along and surrender your Finals MVP awards.

Fun fact: Here's some fun with math for you. Kobe + Shaq = Three NBA Titles. Steve Nash + Shaq = Three Wins and Four Losses...and counting! Now you tell me who the real MVP is.

Andre Kirilenko: I don't care if Dirk Nowitzki clothelined you to the ground and injured your right hip. What are you, 70 years old? Winners never quit, and quitters never win, Andre. Remember that. You don't see Kobe taking time off to rest his ravaged pinkie finger, do you? Of course not! Kobe's a "team first" guy. Unlike you.

The Sacramento Kings: Payback's a bitch, huh Sacramento Queens? Lakers fans have had to spend the last six years hearing about how you got ripped off in Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals. Even Ralph Nader jumped on the Hate Train. I swear, it's enough to make me question whether a God exists who could create such a colossal group of whiners and crybabies. Kobe earned those 27 fourth quarter freethrows, and you need to just get over it. Your 15 minutes of fame were over about, oh, six years ago. Let it go. Move on. Take up a hobby. I mean, your fans are chanting "M-V-P!" for Kobe and you can't even beat the Clippers. Maybe you should take on somebody more your speed, like old, sick people.

Our apologies: We didn't nab Basketbawful in time to prevent him from submitting his NBA Closer column for Deadspin. So if you're an "Internets" hacker, please let us know how we can shut that down. Thank you.

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42 Comments:
Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Wow... Just wow... Man I got nothing, you parked this mofo. This post is heading over the wall and into San Fran bay, where those wacko's in canoes are going to chase after it.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
for some reason I thought it was March 11th kobe bryant blog day

Blogger Will said...
I tremble in fear at what Kobe Bryant Blog Day is actually going to look like next week...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
That was annoying

Anonymous Anonymous said...
that must've been hard. i think there are support groups for this...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
HILARIOUS! Keep up the Kobe-love!

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
The googles! They do nothing!

Blogger Tonewise said...
hahahahahahhhahahahaahhahaahhahahahaahhahahaahhahaahhahaahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Blogger Flud said...
Ha ha ha ha ha ha That was corn-on-the-Kobe covered in butter good!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This your best work yet. Every line was a classic.

Blogger DC said...
uh, i want basketbawful back. look, if the joke isn't funny the first time--like the "kobe-bryant-is-so-great" joke-- then it won't be funny the second time. Or the third time. Or the fourth time. (Unless you're Charlie Chaplin.) Please don't write here again.

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
I thought Kobe day was March 11th.

Anonymous Jeff from LA said...
This maybe the greatest parody of Kobe supporters I have ever read. It may never be topped.

Although if Kobe for MVP races lead to hilarity like this, I much prefer them to races where Tim Duncan leads.

Anonymous Istvan said...
Nice work : )

Anonymous Chris said...
What's this business about march 11th being Kobe bryant blog day? Surely you jest.

Personally I didn't expect this post to show up for another 26 days. Good stuff though. :)

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Side note pertaining to non-Kobe topics: Anyone one else read/hear the quotes by LeBron James about dropping 50 in the Garden? Him talking about how it was perhaps the best thing to ever happen to him? James saying that the Garden is still the best arena in the NBA? Look, I seriously doubt that any arena that cheers for the opposite team and screams MVP chants for one of their players is still considered "the best arena in the NBA".

Blogger Ravi said...
The Phoenix Suns make me sad.

This post, however, makes me very happy.

Blogger Babyshoes said...
flohtingpoint--
LeBron just wants to play ball in New York SO BAD. I guess the NY fans want him too.
I agree with you completely, fans turning on their own team does not make for a "best arena in the NBA." But, given the Knicks this year, can you blame them?

lbbywtf- What Cheney said to Scooter

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Lame...annoying...bring Basketbawful back.

Anonymous Sturla said...
That was the worst "Worst of the..." ever. And now I truly hate Kobe.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
naw it has nothing to do with kobe the player

it's kobe fans that does the trick
kobe whines out of charlotte bitches about Bynum
gets rid of shaq (although both wanted it that way)
gets accused of a crime
wants to be traded out of LA

basically anything short of killing a guy and they'll still love him (even then I think they'll just say OHhhhhhhhhhhh he couldn't have done it they just trying to put him in jail because he's so great)

and STILL lakers fans like him LOL

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
Chris: Ask and I deliver.

Kobe Bryant Day:
http://hardwoodparoxysm.blogspot.com/2008/02/special-announcement-march-11th-kobe.html

Anonymous james said...
damn right LA loves him. i dont care what he does in his off time. you think lebron is a perfect person? people who are out of the press for bad things just havent been caught. i watch basketball for BASKETBALL PLAYS AND PLAYERS not fucking moral people who happen to be good at basketball. kobe is good. i like kobe. and this was the stupidest thing ever. pau is having a better season in la than memphis, kobe makes him better. and kobe will be the mvp.

never do a blog like this, it's retarded.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
that was absolutely hilarious. now do one from the perspective that the suns are/were/and ever will be the best ever ... although as a suns fan you probably wouldn't really give it the same level of awesome

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Nice lampoon of the Kobe fanboys! Now can we have Bawful back, Mr. Body Snatcher?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
james -- It's safe to say you didn't get this post, since it actually wasn't about Kobe at all. No, it was about Kobe fans who totally overreact at the least little thing and totally freak out when people don't share their opinion of their player. And...you're sort of falling into that category with your reaction.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Kobe's a great player. A fearsome scorer. And I've been impressed that he's actually trusting his teammates this season. But he's not my MVP. Has nothing to do with hate, or the kind of person he is outside of basketball. His fans can't seem to accept that, though. Anything less that worship is "hate." Not so.

wormboy -- To you, and everybody else who might have been worried about it, never fear: Basketbawful has escaped the Kobe video torture room and will be back to his, that is my, typical shenanigans tomorrow.

Anonymous Shrugz said...
LOL Pau gasol's playing better that's funny

and for the record his best season was 2005-2006 where he averaged 20 ppg 9 rpg 5 apg and almost 2bpg
so no he's not really playing better in LA he's playing the same as he always is

Anonymous Trey said...
One of the best blog posts I have ever read. I signed up for the RSS feed today.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
aah, now i get it. this wasnt written by a fan, this was written by basketbawful himself pretending to be a kobe fan.i feel stupid. screw you mr bawful for making me feel stupid. haha

Anonymous OptimusPrime said...
i'm a kobe fan, and i don't care if you hate. as we've discussed in the past, you can hate, and i'll defend, and all is well.

the lakers will still win and we've got the best player in the league and the mvp award means jack (karl malone won one for christ's sake).

enjoyed the blog, i like this guy, hope he writes more.

Anonymous will said...
It was funny for a bit. But it kind of got annoying... I know that's the point, showing the 'mindless Kobe fan' but still. Didn't quite do it for me.

Anonymous james said...
shrugz: this year in memphis 18.9 pts on 50.1% shooting. In LA: 20.7 pts on 59% shooting. .6 less TOs, .3 more steals, .4 more blocks.

2% less FTs, .5 less boards, i'd say hes having a much better year in LA than memphis.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
james -- Much better? Better, yes, but a 1.8 PPG improvement, a APG average that stayed the same, a rebounding average that's down slightly, and a bunch of other stats that are hovering within around .5 of what they were doesn't really qualify as "much" better. When Vince Carter when from Toronto to New Jersey and his scoring average jumped 12 PPG, his rebounding doubled, etc., THAT would be, in my opinion, a "much" improved line.

Anonymous bears in the cathedral said...
Great post, I feel like you're making me a better reader.

Blogger Tonewise said...
is there anyway the rest of the world can jsut pretend that Vince Carter was hit by a bus and thus ended his carrer in Toronto>?

It's simply far too much to handle, looking at raw numbers like that - then looking at the williams'es... then looking back to me watching almost every game that season where the Raps lost, what was it, something like 18 in a row?

..at least I'm not a MIA fan, but then at least I could say "hey, look at the weather outside"

Blogger Basketbawful said...
bears -- You'll have to check to make sure, but reading Basketbawful should make your penis 0.01 percent larger each time you read a post. I'd like to see ESPN do that.

tonewise -- Actually, you know what I think happened? Aliens. I'm totally serious. Take a look at Magic Johnson. He retires in 1991 due to contracting HIV, yet it's 17 years later and he's FINE. And during that time, he's become a huge, sloshing porkbag, done an embarrassing talkshow, had a couple silly comebacks, had a lousy 11-game stint as Lakers coach, etc. Likewise, Larry Bird has transformed into a cross between the Pillsbury Doughboy and the Crypt Keeper. We all know what Vince "did." I'm telling you, aliens are kidnapping our basketball greats and replacing them with ersatz dopplegangers. Why won't the CIA return my phone calls?!

Blogger N. said...
if you wrote this, you should die

Blogger Basketbawful said...
n. -- That is a very rational reaction.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
you suck man.. lakers won't win.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
i like how this guy loves Kobe so much and gets mad at Lebron for scoring 50 on a bad team, which as we all know is much worse than raping some girl in colorado.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
oh,,,,so you hating on kobe is so much better than us loving him,,,yeah dude i get it. great article,,know where to come to read what even more kobe haters have to say. no he doesn't have to be your favorite player. the point is, he's probably your favorite player's favorite player. So stop with the silly hate, because Kobe is going to win the mvp, and a little stat called wins is going to win the lakers the finals. period. Can you hear that? It sounds like another parade at the staples center!!!!!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
"Winning the season series 2-1 and taking a 5-game lead over the Pistons only ensures that you'll get the honor of being the Lakers' hors d'oeuvres in the NBA Finals. And just so you know, Kobe loves cocktail weenies and Nutella, so be prepared!"

Say that again? Last I heard, Boston won the championship over Kobe and Gasol...Haha...

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