brainsucker

It's been a few weeks, but Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again proudly present the best of the lousiest teams in the NBA, from worst to last. The Hardwood Boys drew the short straw, so they're doing the East while I get the West.

1. Memphis: The Pau Gasol trade has worked wonders for the Grizzlies. And by "worked wonders” I mean that they've officially supplanted the Minnesota Timberwolves for "Worst Team in the West" honors. The Griz are also vying for the "Worst Three-headed Center of All Time" vaginaweight title, with Darko Milicic, Jason Collins, and Kwame Brown all mixing in a few minutes of playing time here and there between DNP-CDs. It's gotten so bad that coach Marc Iavaroni actually started Brian Cardinal at center the other night. Seriously.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Truly, the mark of excellence in shite-filled teams. Limited roster, not a terrific cap situation, gave up too much for Gasol, didn't get a deal done on Miller, undersized superstar... they don't even manage their D-League prospects well! Which is fitting, since I know about four D-League teams that could beat these knuckleheads.

2. Seattle: The only thing the SuperSonics have left to play for is a Rookie of the Year award for Kevin Durant. So expect 20 PPG for him and another 20 losses for the Sonics.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: No home, no chrome, they roam. No fun, no gun, they're done.

3. Minnesota: Al Jefferson tied his career-high with 5 assists in a 111-108 overtime loss to Seattle, the West's "other" worst team. After Memphis. Anyway, Jefferson's 5-assist game ranks somewhere around three or four in the T-Wolve's Top 10 Accomplishments of the 2007-08 season. That's just the kind of year it's been.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Oh, well done, you wily minxes! You win a few surprising games to spring up some hope and showcase the young talent, and then go right back to getting your ass handed to you to protect the lottery pick. Well done! We award Gryffindor 30 points!

4. L.A. Clippers: Congratulations, Clippers. You're the official winner of the 2007-08 "They Are Who We Thought They Were" award. It's really starting to look like that 50-win season from a couple years back was just a one-time aberration, kind of like Ben Affleck's acting in Good Will Hunting.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Brand and Livingston are trying to come back this season. Which is kind of like the guys in the rafts getting back onto the Titanic. "No, really, it's more comfy here!" As Sam Cassell rows away.

5. Sacramento: These guys smell like butt. They really do.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team has started taking on the traits of Ron Artest's brain chemistry. One minute they're flogging an Eastern power and the next they're struggling against Miami. These guys need to be sedated. Tweny, twenty, twenty four hours to gooooo...

6. Portland: Their magic sauce is maybe one ingredient short of perfection. And that ingredient is Greg Oden.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Not enough to make the playoffs, but enough to take down the Lakers, and by extension, mess with any playoff team left on their schedule. Then it's Oden time, baby.

7. Denver: The Nuggets are licking their chops at the prospect of Wednesday's matchup with the Phoenix Suns. "Finally! A team that's worse on defense than we are!" Word has it that Allen Iverson has been preparing for the game by running around a cardboard cutout of Steve Nash…and he could barely tell the difference.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: At what point do you just come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to work? This team has turned into an offensively-geared Grizzlies from the early 2000s. Always makes the playoffs, never going anywhere.

8. Phoenix: The list of things that are worse than the Suns' defense includes, but is not limited to, the following: The Dalkon Shield, the Ugandan Space Program, Spray-on Hair, Vice President Dan Quayle, George Lazenby as James Bond, Timothy Dalton as James Bond, the Gone With The Wind sequels, the 401K Debit Card, and Hugh Jackman.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it's time to go. (Ba-doo-ba-doo) I hate to leave you, but I really must go...

9. Golden State: Just because nobody really wants to face them in the playoffs doesn’t mean I have to take them seriously.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Shhhh! Keep it down! We'll just come in through the back door. No one will notice...crap! Cheez it! It's the cops!

10. Dallas: The Kidd trade has miraculously transformed the Mavericks into a team that's good enough to play other elite teams really close before collapsing in the fourth quarter. Or overtime. So, in other words, they're pretty much the same team they were before, but with more assists and a cooler goatee. Fun fact: I find it really amusing that Mark Cuban decided he was willing to shell out $20 million a year for Jason Kidd just a few seasons after he balked at paying $10 million a year for Steve Nash, who can pass AND shoot.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Yup, that Kidd trade should work out any second now. Yup. Any second. Here we go. Working out. Aaaaaand NOW! Okay, for real this time, Aaaaaaaaand...Now! Okay, for really real this time...

11. Houston: The fact that the Rockets have maintained their winning streak despite Yao's season-ending injury is astounding. I mean, they replaced their All-Star center with a 70-year-old guy who looks like a bunch of pipe cleaners wrapped in old boot leather. And he's been setting the tempo! Dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: We'll show you! We'll show all of you! You doubt us! You just watch us make the playoffs and then get swept out of the first round because there's no f'ing way we beat any of the top four teams without Yao! You just watch us!

12. Utah: Shame on you, Dirk Nowitzki. There was absolutely no reason for you to try to kill Andre Kirilenko, no matter how jealous you are of his hair.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: When the hell did UTAH become a tough place to play? (Editor's note: The Jazz were 31-10 last season, and they've gone 136-57 at home over the past six seasons, excluding their dreadful 26-56 campaign of 2004-05. Mormons are tough on outsiders. It's a historical fact.)

13. New Orleans: This team is great…as long as they aren't playing the Washington Wizards. Weird, huh?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You may not know this, but "Hornets" is actually Creole for "Stay away from the moneyline during the playoffs."

14. L.A. Lakers: I read somewhere that the team’s resurgence has been "gratifying" for fans after "all the hard times." Awh…the team hasn't made the Finals since 2004 and has "only" made the playoffs in 12 of the last 13 seasons and won three titles this decade. Yea Gods, how they have suffered! Meanwhile, Clippers owner Donald Sterling must want to choke living you-know-what out of Jerry Buss.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: There's nothing going wrong for them right now. I'm pretty sure when Luke Walton takes a dump, he finds golden coins in his crap.

15. San Antonio: It's funny. There's been so much bandwagon jumping this season - from the Celtics to the Suns to the Pistons to the Hornets to the Lakers etc. - that nobody seems to notice that the Spurs have overcome age, injuries, and their standard early season ennui to capture the best record in the Western Conference. I'm telling you, these guys are like Internet porn: They're never going away.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Do you realize how completely different this team is from last year's squad? That's how subtle they are. And yes, by subtle, I mean boring.

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11 Comments:
Anonymous Farfa said...
Comparing Ginobili and Duncan to internet porn made me just pry out my own eyes with a screwdriver. Imagine if I searched the web for Jenna Haze... and then I found a Oberto-Udoka-Popovich threesome. Ow, I just threw up in my mouth.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Uh...oh...oh God...I think I'm going to have to seriously reconsider my usage of analogies...

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Anyone one else thinking that Phoenix is going to make it three losses in a row when they roll into Portland?

Honestly, there is a point in the season where, if a team wanted to, they should just be able to stop playing and forfeit every game. Some teams dwell in that category year in and year out (NY, LAC, Philly), and others take just a few months each season to warm up to sucking (Houston, Denver). Phoenix has just purchased real estate in SuckTown. Shaq was quoted earlier today, when referring to the Suns, "Phoenix will never be the capitol of Arizona".

Thank you Robert Sarver, may you enjoy your new occupation as Phoenix's biggest asshole since Bill Bidwill.

Is it college football season yet? At least I still have Arizona State...

Anonymous rahim said...
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http://www.nba.com/gallery/080226_11.html

Anonymous Wormboy said...
Bwahahaha! Ben Affleck! I've been saying exactly the same thing for years.

Phoenix lost their gamble. Adding a 340 lb shambling mound of dough to a run and gun team that relies on outscoring opponents to win has clearly backfired.

To be fair, they had to do this. Or at least they had to do it as of the point where they let Kurt Thomas go. They were too soft inside and they knew they wouldn't do as well as last year.

Meanwhile, Shawn Marion is doubtlessly getting off on being "the man" next to Pookie in Miami. If Marion has trouble scoring, I'd recommend getting some coaching from Pookie on how to hurl yourself into a crowd to draw a foul. It works great, though perhaps officials won't buy it as well after your city wins its first championship. Oh, and your body will fall apart after a few years of this. But ain't it worth it to be featured as one of People Magazine's 100 sexiest stars?

Blogger Wild Yams said...
You know, I gotta be honest, I'm sick of people saying the Suns "had to do this" with the Marion for Shaq trade. While the Suns maybe had to trade Shawn Marion, and while it may have been a good idea for them to add Shaquille O'Neal, these are separate things that shouldn't have been mixed together. The Heat probably would have moved Shaq for just about whatever they could have gotten in return, and the Suns have a bunch of dead wood and a huge trade exception from the Kurt Thomas fiasco. Surely they could have taken Shaq's corpse and contract off the Suns without having to give up a 4-time All Star who is still in his prime, right?

And speaking of that 4-time All Star who is still in his prime, are you telling me that's the most the Suns could have got for him? Surely there had to be something better out there than Shaq and the $20m he'll be owed when he's 38 years old, right? Couldn't the Suns have just tried to pick up some kind of interior player who is not in the twilight of his career and who actually might be able to run a bit or play even an ounce of defense?

Once again, the Suns needed to trade Marion, and Shaq's giant ass helps reinforce Phoenix's anemic front line, but Kerr and Sarver didn't have to mix these two things together. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Besides, if the Suns were so intent on narrowing their championship window to such a microscopic opening, why didn't they just trade Amare for Garnett last summer? Then if The Matrix was still being a whiny bitch, trade him for Emeka Okafor or something.

Anonymous Craig said...
Internet porn? Gimme my $14.95 back!!!!

Blogger Shrugz said...
Wild Yams - LOL I think most people felt that actually cept for amare fans. KG would have defered to Marion to make him second banana (at least make it feel like it)

I said if they wanted to trade marion a Marion for AK-47 swap woulda been better both are disgruntled

AK woulda gotten his shots and played PF (position he prefers) in Pheonix

Marion woulda player SF (Position he likes) although he'd get less shots but would join an up and coming team that went to the west finals last year

Blogger bob said...
Note to Basketbawful: Dallas should be in front of Phoenix and Golden State. They haven't beaten a decent team since the Kidd trade.

Anonymous Farfa said...
Suns won. Still, I guess that Shaq has become a giant lifesucker... come on, Steve Nash 4 assists?? How is it possible? This dude used to dish 5 assist per night WHILE asleep... now he must be half-dead.

Blogger flohtingPoint said...
Phoenix didn't win. I dont care what that scoreboard says, the 2nd half of that game was god awful...

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