1. The Cleveland Cadavers: After snapping their all-time league-worst 26-game losing streak against (of course) the Clippers, the Cadavers have managed to beat both the Lakers and the new-look Knicks. But if The Zombie Survival Guide taught me anything, it's this: Rising from the grave to feed on the living is not the same as returning to life. Especially when you trade for Baron Davis.

2. The Washington Wizards Generals: This was a tough decision. The Nyets and Craptors were pretty deserving of the two spot. But, of the three teams vying for "Second Worst Team in the League" status, the Generals have the worst record (15-43), worst Margin of Victory (-6.9) and, most importantly, the worst road record (1-28). All this despite having number one overall draft pick John Wall.

3. The New Jersey Nyets: I wanted to put the Craptors here. I really did. After all, Toronto is 1.5 games back in the win column. Or is that 1.5 games ahead in the loss column? Semantics aside, the Nyets won (lost?) out due to a slightly worse MOV, a similaly slightly worse MOV, and the fact that they are 0-9 in a division that includes...the Craptors. So far the addition of All-Star point guard Deron Williams has done Jack and Shit. And Jack left town.

4. The Toronto Craptors: The Generals still have Wall. And the Nyets have at least a season and a half of Williams. The Craptors have Andrea Bargnani through 2014-15. And, presumably, prayers for a quick and merciful death.

5. The Minnesota Timberwolves: Kevin Love now has four 30-point/20-rebound games this season. According to ESPN Stats and Information, that ties Shaq and Charles Barkley for the second-most in a single season in the last 25 years. Shaq also had five 30-20 games in 1999-00. K-Love also ranks fourth in Player Efficiency Rating, meaning he's the fourth-best player in the league, right? And yet...the Timberwolves are 14-46 and have a Margin of Victory of -6.0. Something's wrong here.

6. The Sacramento Kings: The Anaheim Kings? Hell, at this point, the Maloof brothers would ship the Kings pretty much anywhere that would make them a quick buck. Here's my radical answer to the problem: The [Insert City Name] Kings! That's right. The Maloofs could offer five-game, 10-game, 15-game and 20-game plans. Any city could host and "own" the Kings for a limited time. Think about it. The Kokomo Kings. The Louisville Kings. The...what?

7. The Detroit Pistons: Let me get this straight: A bunch of overrated, overpaid and/or over-the-hill players staged a walkout on coach John Kuester? Well, then, the coach must be the problem. In possibly related news, at the trade deadline, opposing teams treated Detroit's various contracts like baby poo covered in hazardous toxins and wrapped in terrorists.

8. The Los Angeles Clippers: After a brief "surge," the Clippers have lost 10 of their last 12 games. Despite the ongoing and unquestioned awesomeness of Blake Griffin -- even if his car dunk was contrived and lame -- the Clippers are 22-37 and coached by Vinny Del Negro. In other words: They are who we thought they were. Still. On the bright side, they shipped Baron Davis, his fat contract, and his even fatter ass, to Cleveland. So they have that going for them. Which is nice.

9. The Golden State Warriors: Let's see: They score a lot of points. They give up a lot of points. They lose a lot of games. And we're absolutely, positively sure Don Nelson retired?

10. The Charlotte Bobcats: In case you needed any more evidence that not everything crapped out of Michael Jordan's ass is delicious candy...

11. The Milwaukee Bucks: Remember how much fun it was the Fear the Deer last season? Now the only people who fear them are season ticket holders. Milwaukee ranks dead last in PPG, FGP, eFG% and Offensive Rating. Offensively speaking, they're a D-League team playing with a rock instead of a basketball and dead fish instead of hands. Reminder: Their offseason plan revolved around adding Corey Maggette and Drew Gooden. Think about that. Just think about it.

12. The Utah Jazz: Larry Miller is dead. Jerry Sloan is retired. Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams have been replaced with Al Jefferson and Devin Harris. And Andrei Kirilenko is on the books for nearly $18 million this season. Let's just say that, if we found a compound full of dead Jazz fans and empty Kool-Aid cups, I wouldn't be completely surprised.

13. The Indiana Pacers: Much as it pains me to admit this, Indy's near-miss on O.J. Mayo typifies Larry Bird's tenure as the team's President of Basketall Mismanagement. That Danny Granger and The Misfits might actually make the playoffs is a decent argument that the balance of power hasn't totally shifted eastward.

14. The Atlanta Hawks: Can anybody give me one good reason why the Hawks are anything other than a first round playoff exit waiting to happen? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

15. The Denver Nuggets: The post-'Melo trade adrenaline is going to wear off. And when it does...

16. The Houston Rockets: This is the perfect place for the Rockets. They keep hovering around .500. They seem to exist only to be a pain in the ass to better teams and a scourge to lesser ones. And that mad statistical genius, Daryl Morey, just traded for Hasheem Thabeet. If there was a trophy for scrappy overachievement, the Rockets would win it, hands down. As it is...

17. The Memphis Grizzlies: Don't buy into them. Don't do it. I'm warning you. Put it this way: How much faith do you feel comfortable putting into a team built on the foundation of Zach Randolph?


18. The Phoenix Suns. Look out. They're surging.

19. The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly managed to sneak back over .500 while nobody was looking (or caring). And, sneaky as you please, the Sixers have won 13 of their past 17 games. And, going further back, they're 27-16 since their 3-13 start. All that said: Look at their roster. Look at it closely. They're not scaring anybody worth scaring.

20. The New York Knicks: Their win over the Heat does not cancel out their loss to the Cadavers. It just doesn't. I mean, would a plate full of crawling insects taste better just because somebody dumped a juicy steak on it?

21. The Portland Frail Blazers: I really have no idea how they're doing it.

22. The New Orleans Hornets: Two words: Fools' Gold.

23. The Oklahoma City Thunder: We know they can score, but the Thunder have been pretty average on defense this season (currently 16th in Defensive Rating). They're hoping Kendrick Perkins can change that. Uh oh! Perk is out two-to-three weeks because of a sprained left knee. But the good news is that the injury wasn't to his surgically-repaired right knee or his surgically repaired left shoulder. Here's another Perkins factoid: He has a higher career turnover percentage (23.0) than Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown (16.8). And Kendrick's career PER (12.9) is barely higher than Kwame's (12.6). Just some thoughts to chew on.

24. The Orlando Magic: When they were counting on significant contributions from Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter, that seemed insane, right? Now they're counting on significant contributions from Gilbert Arenas and Hedo Turkoglu. Can we honestly say things have improved in Orlando?

25. The Dallas Mavericks: They seem so good. So really, really good. Clicking on offense. Clicking on defense. It makes you wonder: How are they going to flame out in the playoffs this year? Because we all know it's going to happen, we just don't know how. Yet.

26. The Los Angeles Lakers: I can hear the bleating of Lakers fans now: "But, but, but we've won four in a row coming out of the All-Star break! Including road games versus the Frail Blazers and Thunder!" Shut the hell up, Lakers fans. It's been exactly 12 days since you lost to the Cadavers.

27. The Boston Celtics: I bet people will stop mocking Danny Ainge when the Thunder buy out Kendrick Perkins and he re-signs with the Celtics for the league minimum. The Boston's gonna sign Troy Murphy, who averaged 14.3 PPG and 11.8 RPG while shooting 45 percent on threes as recently as 2008-09. Then Rasheed Wallace is gonna come back, and rumor has it he's spent the last three months completing the p90x training program. Yeah! Yeah!!

28. The Miami Heat: I know, I know. They keep kicking the absolute living shit out of bad teams, and that's supposed to be the best indicator of future (read that: playoff) success. But they're 1-7 against the league's other elite teams. And despite having two of the best three players on the planet -- both in their prime and playing like MVPs -- they've recently collapsed in crunch time against the Celtics, Bulls and Knicks. The stat geeks keep telling us this won't be a problem in the postseason, so I'm sure everything will be fine.

29. The Chicago Bulls: Their recent wins over the Spurs and Heat are somewhat mitigated by a huge defensive fail in Toronto and the fact that Keith Bogans, against all reason, is still their starting shooting guard.

30. The San Antonio Spurs: Why does it feel like they're still sort of under the radar?

Bonus Bawful: I'm going to post Chris's weekend lacktion report in the comments.

Labels: Powerless rankings

The end of the NBA regular season means the final installation of our sort-of-but-not-really weekly powerless rankings. So this is the last time (this season) that I'll get to wipe my butt with the Eastern Conference while Hardwood Paroxysm delivers a well-placed nutshot to the Western Conference.

1. Miami Heat: In the immortal words of the great poet/philosopher Clubber Lang: "Dead meat."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You only live once. Luckily, today, Heat fans get to finally feel like they've embraced the sweet release of death. So they only live twice. So Heat fans are kind of like James Bond. This has become pointless. Much like the Heat.

2. New York Knicks: For some reason, I keep getting this vision of Isiah Thomas sitting in bed, drinking Boone's Farm straight out of the bottle, and listening to Journey's Don't Stop Believing over and over.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's been fun, Zeke. Really. I mean, not for Knicks fans. Or citizens of New York. Or Anucha Brown. Or David Stern. But for the rest of us? A lot of fun. And no one can take that away from you. And hey, you still have your health! Unless they somehow make incompetence illegal. Then I would run, far, far away.

3. Charlotte Bobcats: Why all the doom and gloom, Bobcat fans? I'm sure Gerald Wallace, Adam Morrison and Sean May will all be back and healthy next season. Between that and the high draft pick, you can probably count on this team for upwards of 36, maybe 37 wins in 2008-09.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They put together a solid series of games, and then close out the season by losing an embarrassment to the Nets. Yup. Them's the Cats.

4. Chicago Bulls: Yeah, I'm probably going to hold off on buying those season tickets. I don't really feel like "hating it live."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Why are the Bulls here and the Bucks above them, even though the Bulls plastered them with 151 the other night? Because the Bucks recognize the virus and are cleaning house. That's why.

5. Milwaukee Bucks: Now that they have John Hammond on board, all they need is Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rasheed Wallace. Then their transformation into the Pistons will be complete.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Getting a member of one of the most successful front offices in the league to head the new regime, promising actual change at the top, tanking to move up the lottery? They're trying to get better. Do they KNOW what that does to their powerless rankings?

6. New Jersey Nets: See, Nets fans? Vince Carter totally cared at the end of the season and it didn't change anything. So please don't expect him to start caring next year. Update! Basketbawful reader Shrugz had this to add: "vince carter caring at the end of this season is like a captain of a battleship that decides to start firing back after the ship starts sinking."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Good news, Nets! You've gone from woefully underachieving to unnoticeably mediocre. So that's...cool...for...you...

7. Indiana Pacers: Their future is now in Larry's hands, and Larry's hands alone! [sobs]

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So close, Indiana. So close. Maybe next year, you can get swept by the Celtics.

8. Atlanta Hawks: Memo to the Hawks: I bet this is exactly how General Custer felt.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: No, seriously, that giant broom coming is...um...the broom of Glory!

9. Philadelphia 76ers: Damn. They're stuck playing Detroit in the first round. I hate that their feel-good story has to end this way.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Congratulations, Philly. You're the professional equivalent of Davidson.

10. Cleveland Cavaliers: Hey, Danny Ferry. Way to surround LeBron with "talent." Maybe you can sign Kwame Brown in the offseason, too. I hear he'll be available.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Okay...carry the three...at a 45 degree angle...divide by the remainder...X=.... Oh, sorry, I was just figuring out how many points LeBron has to average in order for the Cavs to make it to the Finals again. I'll get back to you when I have an answer.

11. Toronto Raptors: How many chemotheraphy sessions would it take to get rid of their T.J. Ford? Or is it terminal?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Canadafail.

12. Washington Wizards: Has anyone noticed that this season's Wizards have been the bizarro clone of last year's club? They started the season with little hope only to become a scary force going into the playoffs.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's like God said "Okay, you made it through last year and this year. I'll make you the team no one wants to face in the first round. Go on with you bad, excessively nicknaming selves!"

13. Orlando Magic: Huh. Maurice Evans had a career-high 27 points against the Hawks. I guess their backcourt issues are solved, eh? Eh?!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I'm having a hard time finding anything about this team that's not impressi...Keyon Dooling. Oops.

14. Detroit Pistons: Flip Saunders is totally riding his bench to the Promised Land. Wait, Flip Saunders is using his bench? And...Rasho Nesterovic is averaging 18 and 7 this month...and Dirk Nowitzki is hitting clutch shots...ALIENS! ALIENS! THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: And lo, I saw a fro'd rider, on a fro'd horse. And his name was Sheed. And hell (and terrific perimeter defense) followed with him.

15. Boston Celtics: If the Celtics meet the Lakers in the Finals, I hope KG makes Kobe pay for stealing his MVP award. And I mean pay dearly. (Sweep the leg, Johnny!)

Hardwood Paroxysm says: These guys are like a Disney movie only nothing bad happens. It's all fun and song and dance, and then a happy ending. And yes, in this scenario, Leon Powe is the teapot.

Labels: Powerless rankings

With the NBA regular season nearing it's end, we're down to our last couple of chances to provide you with another round or two of our nearly meaningless reverse power rankings. First one to suck worst wins! This week I'm taking the "ultra-competitive" Western Conference while the Hardwooders get the "slightly less competitive" Eastern Conference.

1. Seattle: Hmm. It looks like this team is going to end up with the worst record in franchise history and its longest playoff drought in over 30 years. And they might not even be the "SuperSonics" much longer. I'm not sure how things could get much worse, short of the ground opening up and swallowing Kevin Durant mid-jumper. Uh, somebody better check the ground around Kevin Durant, and fast.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Hey, look! Kevin Durant's playing better! That should make up for the abysmal season, the team dysfunction, the firesale of talent, and the inescapable move of the franchise from it's storied home to the Midwest. Yup. Yay, Kevin Durant! Whoops.

2. L.A. Clippers: They might be ranked "only" second here, but the Clippers are still the number one team…for me to go number two on!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: That dark shape you see moving under the water is the Clippers restocking their roster, freeing up cap space and getting ready to unleash a very pissed off Elton Brand on the world. If they manage to do well in the lottery...watch out. Hold on, haven't we been saying that about the Clippers for the last decade?

3. Memphis: Here is a real and unedited quote from the Grizzlies' team report: "Memphis continues to give admirable effort every night is because it has players, coaches and a general manager that realize building for the future starts now." That's the same GM who traded Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown, right? Just checking. And no, I'm not giving them a reprieve just because they won a one-on-five game against Kobe Bryant last weekend.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: What? Complete rebuilding plan? Laughingstock of the league? Need the draft pick more than anything? Let's win some games, fellas! The Memphis Grizzlies. A legacy of excellence...in something.

4. Minnesota: Don't look now, but the Timberwolves have won four of their last seven games. You didn't look, did you? Good. Then you don't know that those wins came against the Clippers, Grizzlies, Knicks, and the "can't play on the road" Jazz. Oops.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: That's funny. I didn't know Kevin McHale was so much of a Kansas State fan. What? He's not? Then why is he wearing that jersey? Oooooooooooh...

5. Sacramento: They recently ended a three-game losing streak with a one-point overtime win over the Memphis Grizzlies. Need I say more? And if you want to know how dispirited this team really is, think about this: When was the last time you read about Ron Artest doing and/or saying something crazy? Exactly. Update: Basketbawful reader Carlo just informed me that Ron-Ron recently said: "You take away Mikki, and we're not winning. Not at all." Okay. I'll admit that's a little crazy. But it wasn't not full-blown Artestean explosion. You know? To me, it's not Ron-Ron if he hasn't demanded a trade for no reason or maybe eaten somebody.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I really hope the elevators at Arco play "Stuck In The Middle With You" over and over again.

6. Portland: All hail the Vanilla Godzilla and his amazing 26-rebound game! If you're done hailing now, here's a painful reality check: Brandon Roy is likely out for the season and their next four games are against the Lakers, Rockets, Spurs, and the Lakers again. In other words, they're going to need a miracle to finish the season with a winning record. Which means it might be time for the farting preacher.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The real reason they're pissed off about Oden in 24 Hour Fitness? He outplayed his team this week.

7. Dallas: Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! From 67-wins last season to out of the playoffs this season? It sure looks it's going to end up that way. And to add insult to injury, Mark Cuban has officially lost his one-billionaire war against the blogging menace. I never realized it could suck so much to be so rich.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: (Warning! Obligatory "Where X Happens" joke incoming!) The Dallas Mavericks: Where "That Didn't Work Out Exactly As We Planned" Happens.

8. Denver: Memo to the Nuggets: It's not gonna happen, guys. Sorry. (Note to self: If it does happen, come back and edit this entry to say it's totally gonna happen.)

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Look, it's fine, they can make the playoffs with Dirk hurt. That's all well and good. But they're a broom magnet. You know it. I know it. The guy that owns firegeorgekarl.com knows it.

9. Golden State: There's a pretty rough scrum on the bottom rung of the Western Conference playoff ladder. As of this moment, the Warriors are on the outside looking in. On the bright side, they get another shot at Dallas and Denver in their final nine games. So basically, the West's final playoff spot is theirs to lose, and so long as Captain Jack doesn't lose his mind, they won't. Unless they do. Crap. This Western Conference race is driving me nuts.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They should change their names to the Golden State "You Don't Want To Play Us In The First Round And You Know It"s.

10. Houston: From first to sixth in a couple weeks. Anybody else smell burning brakes? I almost dropped these guys even further after T-Mac's "I imposed my will on the Minnesota Timberwolves" speech.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Anybody remember them winning 22 in a row? Anybody? No, Mrs. Alston, you don't count.

11. Utah: They're the Hulk at home and Dr. David Banner on the road. And I'm betting that means their season ends with them walking down the road to that sad piano music...

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Jazz recently hired a team of mathematical experts to figure out how many games they need to win to play every game in the playoffs at home. All of them. Results are not yet clear.

12. Phoenix: I refuse to read too much into those back-to-back losses against Detroit and Boston last week. Mostly because I love the Suns and, of course, I can't read. Seriously. I just dictate all this stuff.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Uh-oh. We made it angry.

13. L.A. Lakers: Just when you start to think they can’t be beat with or without Gasol, Jason Richardson uses Kobe like a prop and the Lakers drop a homecourt "gimmie" to the Charlotte Bobcats, then Kobe decides to go 1-on-5 and they lose to Memphis.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The deafening silence across Laker Nation after back to back losses to the Bobcats and Grizzlies created a small rift in the space-time continuum. Lost into the vacuum of nothingness was Luke Walton's swagger and Sasha Vujacic's developing manhood.

14. San Antonio: Just like that old man who sits on his porch all day screaming at those damn kids to get the hell off his lawn, these guys just won't go away. Ever.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Death and Taxes, folks. Death and Taxes.

15. New Orleans: In honor of the fact that the Hornets currently have the best record in an unbelievably competitive Western Conference – and let's face it, nobody saw that one coming – I'm rearranging the alphabet to begin C-P-M-V-P.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Come get some. Wait. Celtics did. Crap. Well... "We're second best! We're second best! We're second best!"

Labels: Powerless rankings

It was delayed by Kobe Bryant Blog Day and a mad case of the Black Mamba Flu, but Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again serve you a steaming plate of poo pie on an officially-licesned NBA platter. This week I's gots the East, and the Hardwood Boyees have gots the West.

The Miami Heat: With Wade out for the rest of the season, the offensive reins have been officially turned over to Ricky Davis. Which is kind of like hiring Michael Vick as your pet sitter.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So D-Wade is done. Well, they waited till just a little after when they knew they wouldn't make the playoffs.In December.

New York Knickerbockers: If you've watched even five minutes of any of the most recent Knicks games, you can tell that Isiah has officially stopped caring. Strangely enough, his newfound apathy hasn't had the slightest effect whatsoever on how the team is playing.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's been one year since Dolan extended Zeke. Does the phrase "Mission Accomplished" ring a bell for anybody else?

Milwaukee Bucks: This team now understands how real bucks feel when the hillbillies show up for hunting season armed with semi-automatic rifles and bazookas. In other words, it sucks when everybody else has more firepower than you do.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Yi's on the shelf, they couldn't defend against a Shriner's convention, and Michael Redd is still their superstar. I think it's safe to safe some retooling might be needed in the offseason. With a giant machete.

Charlotte Bobcats: They're coming off a five-game winning streak. That was a franchise-high, by the way. Which makes me think of that Haynes underwear commercial with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Michael Jordan, in which Cuba initiates a Three's Company-like misunderstanding by announcing loudly that he's wearing Jordan's underwear when, in reality, he's only wearing underwear that Jordan gave him as a gift. Am I the only one who thinks it's still pretty creepy that Michael Jordan gives his male friends decorated gift baskets full of underwear?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You ever think Jordan looks at the standings, sees his team has lost 40 freaking games and then throws up? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately then we know he takes a medicinal cocktail of money, bitches and hos.

Indiana Pacers: From the Pacers team page on Yahoo: "The more abuse Mike Dunleavy takes, the more damage he does." Funny, I don't remember that being the case when he was playing for Golden State. If it had been, he would have transformed directly into Larry Bird.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Pacers' front office recently stated that there was going to be a major overhaul of the system. My question: What system?

Chicago Bulls: Every time you think this team has hit rock bottom, they find a place that's rockier and bottomier. I mean, who expected "good guy" Chris Duhon to skip a shootaround AND trashtalk the punishment he received for missing it? Coach Jim Boylan recently said this season isn't a soap opera, and he was right. It's more like bad reality TV. I'm half-expecting John Paxson to sign Jonny Fairplay to a 10-day contract.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: When the combustible rookie with the stupid hair is your emotional leader? That's a bad sign, boys.

Atlanta Hawks: Hmm. I wonder what the English-to-Hawk translation is for "We suck." I'm thinking, "Kaw, kaw, kwee-wraaaaah!!"

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team is essentially an underachieving .500 team. Which is better than previous years, where they were an overachieving .250 team.

New Jersey Nets: Well, I guess the "Devin Harris Honeymoon Period" is officially over. But hey, it was fun for the whole game it lasted.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Sure. We can make the playoffs. Why not? We're not doing anything else, anyway."

Philadelphia 76ers: Yeah, that whole "not dealing Andre Miller before the trade deadline" thing? Turns out it was a pretty good idea. Of course, if Billy King had still been the GM, Philly probably would have worked out a three-way deal with the Heat and Grizzlies to pick up Smush Parker and Kwame Brown. Comedy's loss is the Sixers' gain.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Someone want to tell these young whippersnappers that they're not supposed to make the playoffs for another two years?

Toronto Raptors: Chris Bosh is gone for a few games and suddenly Rasho Nesterovic is their best player?! I guess Gilbert Arenas was right when he said Jose Calderon didn’t deserve to be on the All-Star team.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Raptors without Chris Bosh is like Barenaked Ladies without the quirky pop-folk ditties!

Washington Wizards: Caron Butler is finally back, Gilbert's return is just around the corner, and they've got the best group of nicknames in the league: Agent Zero/Hibachi, The Black President, Tough Juice, The Locksmith, Mister 50, Big Oily, The Poet, The City, and The White Hole. The only thing that's missing is a team nickname. I suggest First Round Fodder. I further suggest they stamp it on their butt cheeks.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Here's a question. Does the Wizards' training staff have any actual training, or do they just play a lot of Operation in the offseason?

Cleveland Cavaliers: Seeing the Cavaliers play is like watching one of those old Bruce Lee movies where he takes on an entire village full of ninja masters by himself to avenge his uncle's death, dismemberment, and/or loss of honor. Unfortunately for LeBron, the NBA isn't like an old kung-fu flick...opposing players don't attack you one at a time by walking directly into your spin kicks and swinging nunchuka.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Never before has one man meant so much to one team of crappy role players who aren't even that good at their roles.

Orlando Magic: Their backcourt needs more support than a pair of 38-DD breasts on a 70-year-old. Okay. Got my boob reference out of the way. Phew, that was a close one.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Howard & Rashard & Hedo & Keyon & Second Round Elimination.

Detroit Pistons: Detroit has veteran savvy and championship pedigree, which is why dropping statement games to Boston -- their rival for Eastern Conference supremacy -- and Philadelphia -- the team they might meet in the first round of the playoffs -- means nothing to them. Which I'm guessing is why they went belly-up against the Heat and Cavs in the playoffs the last two years.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Detroit wins.

Boston Celtics: Forgetting about the Celtics is like forgetting to file your taxes. You’re really going to regret it come late April, early May...

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Boston wins more.

Labels: Powerless rankings

It's been a few weeks, but Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again proudly present the best of the lousiest teams in the NBA, from worst to last. The Hardwood Boys drew the short straw, so they're doing the East while I get the West.

1. Memphis: The Pau Gasol trade has worked wonders for the Grizzlies. And by "worked wonders” I mean that they've officially supplanted the Minnesota Timberwolves for "Worst Team in the West" honors. The Griz are also vying for the "Worst Three-headed Center of All Time" vaginaweight title, with Darko Milicic, Jason Collins, and Kwame Brown all mixing in a few minutes of playing time here and there between DNP-CDs. It's gotten so bad that coach Marc Iavaroni actually started Brian Cardinal at center the other night. Seriously.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Truly, the mark of excellence in shite-filled teams. Limited roster, not a terrific cap situation, gave up too much for Gasol, didn't get a deal done on Miller, undersized superstar... they don't even manage their D-League prospects well! Which is fitting, since I know about four D-League teams that could beat these knuckleheads.

2. Seattle: The only thing the SuperSonics have left to play for is a Rookie of the Year award for Kevin Durant. So expect 20 PPG for him and another 20 losses for the Sonics.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: No home, no chrome, they roam. No fun, no gun, they're done.

3. Minnesota: Al Jefferson tied his career-high with 5 assists in a 111-108 overtime loss to Seattle, the West's "other" worst team. After Memphis. Anyway, Jefferson's 5-assist game ranks somewhere around three or four in the T-Wolve's Top 10 Accomplishments of the 2007-08 season. That's just the kind of year it's been.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Oh, well done, you wily minxes! You win a few surprising games to spring up some hope and showcase the young talent, and then go right back to getting your ass handed to you to protect the lottery pick. Well done! We award Gryffindor 30 points!

4. L.A. Clippers: Congratulations, Clippers. You're the official winner of the 2007-08 "They Are Who We Thought They Were" award. It's really starting to look like that 50-win season from a couple years back was just a one-time aberration, kind of like Ben Affleck's acting in Good Will Hunting.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Brand and Livingston are trying to come back this season. Which is kind of like the guys in the rafts getting back onto the Titanic. "No, really, it's more comfy here!" As Sam Cassell rows away.

5. Sacramento: These guys smell like butt. They really do.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team has started taking on the traits of Ron Artest's brain chemistry. One minute they're flogging an Eastern power and the next they're struggling against Miami. These guys need to be sedated. Tweny, twenty, twenty four hours to gooooo...

6. Portland: Their magic sauce is maybe one ingredient short of perfection. And that ingredient is Greg Oden.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Not enough to make the playoffs, but enough to take down the Lakers, and by extension, mess with any playoff team left on their schedule. Then it's Oden time, baby.

7. Denver: The Nuggets are licking their chops at the prospect of Wednesday's matchup with the Phoenix Suns. "Finally! A team that's worse on defense than we are!" Word has it that Allen Iverson has been preparing for the game by running around a cardboard cutout of Steve Nash…and he could barely tell the difference.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: At what point do you just come to terms with the fact that this isn't going to work? This team has turned into an offensively-geared Grizzlies from the early 2000s. Always makes the playoffs, never going anywhere.

8. Phoenix: The list of things that are worse than the Suns' defense includes, but is not limited to, the following: The Dalkon Shield, the Ugandan Space Program, Spray-on Hair, Vice President Dan Quayle, George Lazenby as James Bond, Timothy Dalton as James Bond, the Gone With The Wind sequels, the 401K Debit Card, and Hugh Jackman.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it's time to go. (Ba-doo-ba-doo) I hate to leave you, but I really must go...

9. Golden State: Just because nobody really wants to face them in the playoffs doesn’t mean I have to take them seriously.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Shhhh! Keep it down! We'll just come in through the back door. No one will notice...crap! Cheez it! It's the cops!

10. Dallas: The Kidd trade has miraculously transformed the Mavericks into a team that's good enough to play other elite teams really close before collapsing in the fourth quarter. Or overtime. So, in other words, they're pretty much the same team they were before, but with more assists and a cooler goatee. Fun fact: I find it really amusing that Mark Cuban decided he was willing to shell out $20 million a year for Jason Kidd just a few seasons after he balked at paying $10 million a year for Steve Nash, who can pass AND shoot.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Yup, that Kidd trade should work out any second now. Yup. Any second. Here we go. Working out. Aaaaaand NOW! Okay, for real this time, Aaaaaaaaand...Now! Okay, for really real this time...

11. Houston: The fact that the Rockets have maintained their winning streak despite Yao's season-ending injury is astounding. I mean, they replaced their All-Star center with a 70-year-old guy who looks like a bunch of pipe cleaners wrapped in old boot leather. And he's been setting the tempo! Dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: We'll show you! We'll show all of you! You doubt us! You just watch us make the playoffs and then get swept out of the first round because there's no f'ing way we beat any of the top four teams without Yao! You just watch us!

12. Utah: Shame on you, Dirk Nowitzki. There was absolutely no reason for you to try to kill Andre Kirilenko, no matter how jealous you are of his hair.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: When the hell did UTAH become a tough place to play? (Editor's note: The Jazz were 31-10 last season, and they've gone 136-57 at home over the past six seasons, excluding their dreadful 26-56 campaign of 2004-05. Mormons are tough on outsiders. It's a historical fact.)

13. New Orleans: This team is great…as long as they aren't playing the Washington Wizards. Weird, huh?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You may not know this, but "Hornets" is actually Creole for "Stay away from the moneyline during the playoffs."

14. L.A. Lakers: I read somewhere that the team’s resurgence has been "gratifying" for fans after "all the hard times." Awh…the team hasn't made the Finals since 2004 and has "only" made the playoffs in 12 of the last 13 seasons and won three titles this decade. Yea Gods, how they have suffered! Meanwhile, Clippers owner Donald Sterling must want to choke living you-know-what out of Jerry Buss.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: There's nothing going wrong for them right now. I'm pretty sure when Luke Walton takes a dump, he finds golden coins in his crap.

15. San Antonio: It's funny. There's been so much bandwagon jumping this season - from the Celtics to the Suns to the Pistons to the Hornets to the Lakers etc. - that nobody seems to notice that the Spurs have overcome age, injuries, and their standard early season ennui to capture the best record in the Western Conference. I'm telling you, these guys are like Internet porn: They're never going away.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Do you realize how completely different this team is from last year's squad? That's how subtle they are. And yes, by subtle, I mean boring.

Labels: Powerless rankings

Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm are truly ashamed to present our weekly Powerless Rankings. This week I wade -- Wade, get it? -- through the muck and mire of the Leastern Conference, while the Hardwoods sit in the dirty bathwater that is the West.

Miami: This team exchanged a not-playing Shaq for a totally-playing (and very motivated) Shawn Marion (and Marcus Banks, but he doesn't really count). They're going to get better, mostly because they couldn't possibly get any worse (I think). But until they actually win a couple games, the Heat -- the NBA's only non-10-win team -- is staying right here at the top of our rankings.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Hell Hath No Fury Like Matrix Disrespected. If this team didn't have Ricky f*cking Davis jacking up trash 15 times a game, they could make a run. But they do, so they won't.

New York: This is "improvement"? The Knicks erupted in wild celebration after breaking their eight-game losing streak with a one-point victory over the 19-win Milwaukee Bucks. I guess you commemorate the little things in life when the little things are all you have.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Jamal Crawford said beating the Bucks was almost like "winning a championship." That's pretty much all we need to say. Oh, and they're talking about trading for Ben Wallace.

Charlotte: A Charlotte-based columnist described the Bobcats as "team going through the motions" and 'Cats guard Raymond Felton apologized for his own lack of passion and fight. Think about it this way, though: Assume that everything you did at work for the next three months was entirely meaningless, but you still wouldn't be fired. How motivated would you be? Exactly. Still, they have twice as many wins as the Heat (18 to 9), and three more wins than the Knicks despite a huge payroll disparity ($88 million for New York compared to Charlotte's $52 million).

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Without G-Force, they're still losing, only now they're losing in a really boring manner.

Milwaukee: Their 19-33 record is now highlighted by an embarrassing home loss to the Los Angeles...Clippers. The Clippers. At this point, these guys probably couldn't beat the Milwaukee Wheelchair Bucks.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Possibly the worst coached team in the NBA right now that doesn't play in New York. Charlie Villanueva lights it up and then gets no shots in a second half loss to the Knicks. Free VNuv!

Chicago: When the book on this season is written, the final words will be "Chris Duhon just needed more shots." Or something.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Well, geez, I don't see what the problem is. If Chris Duhon would score 30+ points a game every time, they'd win every game. I don't see why they don't just do that every game.

Philadelphia: Andre Miller: Eastern Conference Player of the Week. Who knew? Plus the Sixers have a modest four-game winning streak going (including last night's win over the understaffed Mavericks). And their next three games are against Memphis, Minnesota, and New York. If Philly extends their streak to seven games -- still an iffy prospect for this team -- it will be the most successful period in Philadelphia sports since the Eagles made it to the Super Bowl in 2004.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Nah, we don't want a draft pick. We're playing to win now! Props for not tanking though. And the young talent looks good. For me to poop on.

Indiana: Rejoice, Indianapolis, rejoice! The Pacers have won two games in a row for the first time in almost two months! Rejoice!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The bad horror movie monster of the NBA. It'll kill a few unsuspecting victims, but eventually the cheerleader hits them with the axe.

New Jersey: On Sunday, Vince Carter scored (29 points), Jason Kidd dished (14 assists), and the Nets downed the Mavericks by 19. This is what the Nets were supposed to do every night. Instead, it's just a mid-season aberration game that'll be forgotten by...what was I talking about again? Man, if there were any Nets fans left alive, they'd be pissed.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Lawrence Frank is holding a sign: "Will coach for assisted suicide."

Atlanta: The dirty birds are currently seventh in the East, which kind of sucks, if only because I predicted there was no way this team was going to make the playoffs. Meh. The Eastern Conference playoff race is like the late stages of a drunken frat party: Everybody has a chance to score. Of course, the seventh spot would mean a first-round matchup with the Pistons, which would be like waking up next to the fat chick, only to find out the fat chick is actually a dude named Murry. So at this rate, it looks like the Hawks might get to extend their season by four games.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They're trying to figure out how to play every game at home, and not against LeBron James. If they can pull that off, watch out!

Washington: Even a career game from Roger Mason (32 points, 13-for-20) couldn't save them from a huge choke job in Oakland. Where's that gritty, nasty defense Eddie Jordan was raving about last month?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Time to dial up the Zero if they want any shot of home court in the first round.

Cleveland: The Cavaliers are undefeated this season when Larry Hughes scores at least 40 points. I think Mike Brown might be onto something.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They might as well just start 3 players for the Cavs. Give LeBron more room to work.

Toronto: Chris Bosh is scoring (22.4 RPG) and rebounding (9.2). Jose Calderon is playing like an All-Star (no matter what Gilbert Arenas says). Jason Kapono is sniping away (51 percent from three-point range). And Jamario Moon is a rookie sensation. But the Raptors haven't really improved at all. They're currently 27-23. This time last season, they were...27-23. What gives?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The regular season version of your mom's meatloaf. It's pretty good, but it's nothing special if you're having guests over.

Orlando: They have the league's best road record (19-10) but they struggle at home (13-11, and 1-3 on their current five-game home stand). Are their baby mamas nagging at them? Are they spending too much time at The World's Largest McDonald's PlayPlace? Are they secretly afraid Walt Disney's frozen corpse is going to rise from the grave and start some sort of Zombie Apocalypse? I need answers, and I need them now.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You can't spell "elite" without Hedo. Okay, you can. That's probably a good sign as to the Magic's chances of becoming elite.

Detroit: Chauncy Billups is more worried about in-game dunk contests between Pistons rookies Rodney Stuckey and Arron Afflalo than anything the their opponents have been doing lately. Now that’s some serious confidence. Of course, the Pistons were pretty confident the last couple years too...

Hardwood Paroxysm says: What's amazing is they don't even seem to notice it when they annihilate teams. They just keep chuggin'. Sheed's gonna be pissed about the All-Star nod, though. He wanted some hot tub time.

Celtics: Word has it that Brian Scalabrine hired a psychic to help him channel the spirit of Bill Walton. Only, Big Bill's still alive. He does seem to be channelling Walton's feet, though. Anyway, the C's are currently 5-2 without KG and 16-0 versus the Western Conference. Rajon Rondo and the other roleplayers are stepping up their games. I hope the Boston fans are practicing their "Beat L.A." chants.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Paul Pierce would like to invite everyone to take a long hard suck on his banana hammock. Thanks.

Labels: Powerless rankings

"We are so freaking screwed..."

Once again, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm bring you the weekly Powerless rankings. Much like a man lost in the woods, I'm going to try to stay alive by cannibalizing the West while the hardwood boys gnaw on the nasty flesh of the East.

Memphis: Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley sent franchise center Pau Gasol to the Lakers for a large, steaming pile of crap named "Kwame Brown." It's not his fault, though. It's the Bulls' fault. Just ask him. Said Heisley: ''We had conversations with Chicago that were non-satisfactory." Here's what I want to know. What could the Bulls have possibly offered him that was any worse than Kwame Brown?! I'm pretty sure Will Perdue and Bill Wennington have been retired too long to include in a deal.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Committee applauds the Grizzlies' efforts not only to rebuild, but to claim the top spot in the Western Powerless Rankings. We award them ten Schrutebucks.

Seattle: They beat the Knicks! Goooooooo Sonics! In other news, that 7-for-21 shooting line has become so familiar to Kevin Durant that it should be carved onto his tombstone someday. And some veterans on the team are starting to grumble about all those shots.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: At least they weren't forced to look at obtaining Kwame Brown as a "positive step."

Minnesota: After they won five of seven games, the 10-win Timberwolves were described as "surging." You know, my bowels can also be described as "surging" sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's something to get excited about.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Harbinger (Al Jefferson) has reached a whole new level lately. This team clearly has no investment in our rankings. It's sad to see a team develop into actual quality as the season progresses. They could learn a thing or two from Miami. About sucking.

Los Angeles Clippers: Donald Sterling, clearly upset that Michael Heisley has -- for the moment -- one-upped him in the battle of inept owners, is openly fueding with coach Mike Dunleavy and GM Elgin Baylor. Since when did Sterling start caring about how his team was run?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I told my wife about what's been going on with the Clippers over the past two years. She said it reminded her of Temptation Island, whatever the hell that was. I don't think that's good.

Sacramento: The Kings have won four in a row and seven of 10, and now they're talking about making the playoffs. Seriously? They're still two games under .500. They do know that they play in the Western Conference, right?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: We can't believe how big of a turnaround these guys have had. Kevin Martin is silky smooth, John Salmons is a great counter-punch, and Bibby is actually playing like he cares, along with a talented front-court. If they can sell Crazy Pills and get something of value back for him, they could snake the 8 spot, and you know what that means!

Houston: Another "surging" team, the Rockets are 8-1 since T-Mac returned from whatever injury made him miss a bunch of games this time. That's impressive and all, but you know he's just going to get hurt again. And Yao too, probably. Plus, Rafer Alston is still their point guard. And he's backed up by Mike James, who's backed up by Steve Francis. You see where I'm going with this?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Tracy McGrady thinks the home rims are against him. Rafer Alston is their quality backcourt starter. Louis Scola is their energy guy, and Landry is the biggest bench contributor. Outside of Yao Ming and Luis Scola, this team is shaky at best, and first round fodder at worst.

Portland: Hmmm. That magic sauce is still pretty tangy, but they've gone 5-7 in their last 12 games. And the rest of February is going to be rough; I see Detroit, Houston, Dallas, Boston, and the Lakers (twice) in their future. And seven road games. They're 8-14 on the road you know. This may be the defining stretch for this young team.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Must... not... fade.. So.... tired...

Denver: Wait, whoa, hold on for a second. The Nuggets might deal Linas Kleiza and Eduardo Najera to Sacramento for Ron Artest?! If that happens, this team automatically moves up at least five spots in these rankings, just on general principle.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Here's a fun fact for you. Denver is 5-9 against teams in the "good" net points category, according to 82games.com. Basically, that means they have a losing record against teams that consistently score more than they allow their opponents to. The good news is that they'll only play bad teams in the playoffs. Wait. They can't play themselves.

Golden State: If Don Nelson is a mad scientist, then Chris Webber is the secret Bezonko Ray that will either help him take over the world or destroy it on accident.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: If this team were a band, they'd be the Black Crowes. When they're together, they're amazing. The rest of the time? They're completely unstable and on the verge of chaos.

San Antonio: No matter how low they've fallen, they can still beat the Suns. So there's that.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Hmm? Oh, Don't mind us. We're just napping. Go ahead and and keep moving. We'll see you in April. Oh? What's that? The Suns? Hold on a sec... *SWAT! Okay. That should do. Wake us when the Mavs come around.

Utah: The Jazz have won nine games in and are 15-2 since trading for Kyle Korver. They really like the white-boy shooters in Salt Lake City, don't they? Utah has faced some powerder puffs during this stretch, but they've also beaten the Blazers, Suns, Spurs, and Hornets.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: How do you spell second-round elimination? U-T-A-H. Millsap's fun to watch, though.

Dallas: The loss to the KG-less Celtics looked bad. Their brutal beatdown at the hands of the Pistons looked really bad. But hey, they beat the Orlando Magic on the road, and they're like the third best team in the Eastern Conference! I just...this team is 31-15...but I just don't trust them.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Mavericks are like the submarine from The Hunt For Red October. You don't hear them coming until you're dead.

Lakers: The Pau Gasol trade was a coup for the Blue and Gold, no question about it. On paper, this team looks well-nigh unstoppable. But...Gasol is still a soft, defenseless center who might find the paint a little crowded once Andrew Bynum returns. And this is the same team, led by the same coach, featuring the same selfish superstar, that flopped in the 2004 Finals despite an All-Legend roster of Shaq, Kobe, Karl Malone, and Gary Payton. So hey, I know you Lakers fans are excited, but we're gonna just hold off on handing over the Larry O'Brien Trophy for the time being, okay?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Don't be surprised if these guys jump to number one sometime soon. But man, the loss of Javaris Crittenton should hurt them badl...bwahahhaha. I kill me.

New Orleans: A few weeks ago, I predicted that the Hornets would struggle during Mardi Gras. Well, they've lost three in a row and today is Fat Tuesday. That is so not a coincidence. It's a scientific fact that men -- especially pro ballers -- cannot concentrate on basketball-related matters when drunk women are wandering through the streets of their city and flashing boobs that are both full and supple. I expect these guys to start tearing it up again once the hangover wears off.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: If December through January was their "Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik" period, the last two weeks have been their "One Hot Minute" period. And "Aeroplane" sucked.

Phoenix: The Suns just looked over their shoulders at the Lakers, and they suddenly noticed a former All-Star center who can score effectively, rebound okay, and can't play defense. Oh, and he's soft like marshmallow. Then they took a look at their own roster and see Amare Stoudemire. So, you know, they're not as worried as you'd think. As long as they're not playing the Spurs, that is...

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Haha! We're back to full strength! Nothing can stop us now! The Spurs don't even have Parker! (48 minutes later) Do we have any interest in winning a championship?

Labels: NBA, Powerless rankings

Dwyane Wade has the look of love suck in his eyes.
Just like a bad rash that won't go away no matter how many "herbal remedies" you order from illegal Mexican pharmacies, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm are back with another week of Powerless Rankings. This week, I'm walked into the Starbucks bathroom with a copy of War and Peace to take a long, hard poop on the East, while the men of the hard wood utilized their scatalogical skillz on the West.

1. Miami: Pat Riley was described as "joyous" after the Heat broke their 15-game losing streak. Pat, your team is 9-33. You should never feel joyous. As in, ever again.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Your mom could beat them. I'm serious. Your mom, with a competent power forward, could beat them. We're approaching "forfeit is an option" level, here.

2. New York: The Cloverfield Monster may have eaten the city, but the Knicks have done more damage to New York than ten of those monsters could have done.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Oh, cute, they're 6-4. Get your season tickets for next year, now! Good God, this team is dysfunctional. They're like the last season of "The Osbournes."

3. Philadelphia: The city of Philadelphia is home to the cheesesteak sandwich, water ice, soft pretzels, and TastyKakes. Oh, and the Sixers. But they won't tell you that.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team has lots of potential. Of course, as my father-in-law likes to say, "I'll never forgive you for marrying my little girl." Wait, wrong quote. "Potential only means you haven't done anything yet." Yeah, that one.

4. Milwaukee: I would rather watch old episodes of Laverne & Shirley than sit through a Bucks game. But only the episodes after Squiggy was introduced and before Shirley left.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Have you ever wondered what it would look like if acid rain were to melt an NBA defense? Watch a Bucks game. That should give you a pretty good idea.

5. New Jersey: I wonder what Vince Carter has been doing since he stopped playing basketball. Do you think he's got a new hobby or two? Maybe collecting plastic spoons or weaving macaroni baskets? Wait, what? He's still playing? Are you sure?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Sometimes, God decides to reward us all by punishing one of his children who is a douchebag. In this instance, the Lord has chosen Vince Carter as the Douchebag of Happiness. It's kind of like the Bluebird of Happiness, only with Schadenfreude.

6. Chicago: Do you know why they call Chicago "The Windy City"? Because the Bulls really blow.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Next one to criticize Noah after the effort he's put in since the crappy suspension gets shivved. Oh, and they're injured. This should end well. They can just lean on "vaunted veteran leader" Ben Wallace for support.

7. Charlotte: Ever wonder why they're called the Bobcats? Well, according to Wikipedia, the Bobcats home is "marked with feces, urine scent, and by clawing prominent trees in the area." So I guess you have your answer.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The basketball equivalent of "one step forward, two poorly timed Matt Carrol missed-three pointers back."

8. Indiana: According to the Indianapolis Star, the Pacers will be renamed next season to "The Indiana Streakbreakers." The only people who are happy with the Pacers right now live in Miami. In fact, the Pacers make me hate myself.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Danny Granger has overtaken Mike Dunleavy, Jr as the scoring leader of a professional basketball team. Our long, national nightmare is over. [Actually, check the stats: The nightmare continues. -- Basketbawful]

9. Atlanta: Remember that awesome seventh-game shootout between Dominque Wilkins and Larry Bird? Who knew that would be the Hawks' last great moment. And they lost. And it was 1988.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: When you realize that this team is looking to get annihilated in 4 games in the first round of the playoffs as a significant step up, it kind of makes you sad for Atlanta.

10. Toronto: Jose Calderon leads the team in assists, field goal percentage, freethrow percentage, and steals. People think he should be an All-Star. Teams want him. Have I been unconcious for a few years? What did I miss?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "We can't beat good teams, but we can kick the crap out of bad ones. We're marginal. We're effective. We're Canada."

11. Washington: Everybody from here to Kazakhstan was talking about how great the Wiz had been playing on defense. I mean everybody. Even my great aunt Edna, and I'm pretty sure Edna died before I was born. Then, the very next game, Washington gives up 121 points on 56 percent shooting. Stat curse!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Man, that Cavs loss should have rocketed them up in our rankings. Luckily for them, the rest of the East is so marginal, we can't justify punishing them any further.

12. Cleveland: You know what I never get tired of hearing? NBA broadcasters and analysts stating, with great conviction, that Lebron James is "a man!" In other news, the Cavaliers are "a basketball team," and they play in "short pants and jerseys," and I am "a dork."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Sweet Mother of God, this team is one-dimensional. But that one dimension could kill you with it's pinky.

13. Orlando: After he got injured against the Timberwolves, Kevin Garnett said: "It felt like I got sniped from the rafters or something, you know." And I know the Magic were getting pounded in Detroit at the time, but Jameer Nelson wasn't traveling with the team. I'm not trying to make any accusations or anything, but I really hope that kid has an alibi.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: We'll just go ahead and call them the Bronze Magic, how about?

14. Boston: Every once in a while, I see a bug in the house and I squash it. But I don't celebrate. I don't ever celebrate. And the best team in the league should never celebrate when they beat the worst. Never, ever, ever. Rather, you should issue a public apology and take all your fans out to Chuck E. Cheese.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Yeah, we beat the world! We're world-beaters! No one has ever beaten the world like us! I play for Boston! the Boston Cetlics, yeah!"* Please note, * denotes where "world" is defined as "the Minnesota Timberwolves."

15. Detroit: Did you know that Rasheed was once engaged to a woman named Fatima? Nice name. She had two sisters, Uglyima and Dumbima, and a brother named Geoffrey. This Pistons team? Yeah, they're still pretty good.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team is like your big brother that lets you get some punches in and then slugs you, puts you in a cardboard box and then ships you to your creepy neighbor, via FedEx.

Labels: Powerless rankings

Fifteen teams. One prize.
Happy MLK Day! To celebrate, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again bring you the weekly Powerless Rankings, just as Dr. King would have wanted it. In this installment, I will lay waste to the West while the Hardwood Boys make the sun set in the East.

1. Minnesota: Last week, I wondered whether Kevin McHale had wisely entered into a witness protection program. I should have known that McHale would never do anything "wise" unless it was entirely by accident. Not only did he rip his team for sucking so bad -- conveniently overlooking the fact that he's the Dr. Frankenstein that built this monster -- but he also let loose with this crazy quote: "You win four more games and all of a sudden, you're tied with Seattle." Yes, if you won four more games, you would be tied with Seattle. With nine wins. But other than showing off your grade school-level math skills, I really not sure what that proves. Other than you have, by far, the worst team in the league. And, therefore, the best team in our rankings.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They're not scoring 100, they're not holding opponents to under 100. That's a bad recipe. Still waiting on Foye. Yup. Still waiting. Any time. Corey Brewer is a bright spot, though, which is more than can be said for some of the East teams.

2. Seattle: Kevin Durant is leading the team in scoring at 19 a game, and it’s only taking him about 25 shots to do it. That’s the kind of ruthless efficiency you expect from somebody working the counter at the DMV. Assuming that person is old and mildly retarded. And as long as Durant continues to shoot at that pace, the Sonics have a real fighting chance at the number one spot.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Every now and again, Seattle comes close to moving down in these rankings, like when they pushed the Lakers to OT. Luckily, they still lost and then got pounded by Golden State and Memphis. Nice work to keep pace with Minnesota, guys. Get ready for the bevy of "Kevin Durant's not really shooting that bad" stories. Don't buy him. He is as bad in % as advertised.

3. Memphis: The Grizzlies’ winning streak was snapped at one by the Charlotte Bobcats. It was the ‘Cats first win over the bad news bears. If the Grizzlies’ season was a country song, this defeat would be the part where the dude’s wife ran off with her cousin and his dog died of AIDS. Or should that be she runs off with the dog and his cousin dies of AIDS? Whatever.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I know you think you may be safe here, Memphis fans. But this team is starting to turn a corner that could plummet them in these rankings. A 1 point loss to LA, an overtime loss to LeBron on his 50+ night, and a 24 point drubbing of Seattle. Conley is going to be the death of this team in the Powerless Rankings.

4. LA Clippers: The Clippers’ biggest news story of the week was about how they signed Guillermo Diaz to a second 10-day contract. The highlight of that announcement was the following sentence: "In his first stint with the Clippers, Diaz appeared in one game, grabbing one rebound." Well, wow, I can see why the Clips resigned this guy. In other news, Elgin Baylor also signed Chris Kaman’s armpit hair to a one-year deal with a team option for a second year.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Clips Nation calls them the Generic Clippers and that's a good word for it. They're just mediocre in all sorts of ways. Ravaged by injury, notching a nice win every now and again (Phoenix), playing close but never closing. The "Everybody Loves Raymond" of sucking.

5. Houston: After the Rockets beefed themselves up in the off-season, I pronounced them "much improved." Then I realized that two of their key additions were Mike James and the empty husk of Steve Francis. What, did I forget everything I ever knew about basketball when I deemed the Rockets improved? Don’t be fooled by their win over the Spurs. Beating the Spurs is the “in thing” in the NBA these days.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Rockets are saved from a drop here by improved play by the teams below them, and the ongoing Tracy McGrady debacle. Their saving grace is our confidence that they would somehow find a way to lose a seven-game series against the teams below them, no matter how much more talent they have. If they keep winning, though...

6. Sacramento: They've notched a couple impressive "Our main guys are back!" wins over the Mavericks, Pistons, and Pacers. (Okay, beating the Pacers wasn't all that impressive, but still.) A peek at their upcoming schedule reveals contests against the Nets, Clippers, Sonics, and Bobcats. Methinks that the Kings might be making a major drop in our rankings. For at least a week.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Well, well, well. The rebuilding process looks bright, now, doesn't it. They follow up a big win over Dallas with a complete win over Detroit to plummet in the Powerless rankings. Throw in the way John Salmons is playing and the return of the Moss Covered, Three-Handled Family Gredunza (KevMart, Bibby, Artest), and this team may not be back at the top for a while.

7. Utah: The Jazz took a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror this week and said, "We’re just not the same team without Derek fisher." They then spent the rest of the day scribbling "Fish 4ever" all over their Trapper Keeper, pausing now and then to think wistfully of what might have been in a world without eye cancer.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: *Charges defibrillator* "Clear!" *Applies Defibrillator "We've got a pulse! They're stabilizing!"

8. Golden State: The Warriors have become the NBA equivalent of the Globetrotters. They have a run-and-gun offense, play absolutely no defense, and they're taking orders from a coach who adjusts the clock according to Miller Time. It's fan-tastic! Unlike the Globies, however, the games are fixed so that the Warriors win every game. So as entertaining as this team is, the chance of them winning (or losing) on any given night always feels like 50/50.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Guess what team is only +1.5 in scoring differential? They're playing great, there's no question. But man, these guys are one injury, suspension, or Baron Davis realizing he's human from being out of the playoffs.

9. LA Lakers: With the loss of Andrew Bynum and the re-emergence of Kwame Brown as the NBA's best and biggest punchline, the Lakers are rocketing up through the rankings. This of course comes on the heels of Kobe's comment that the Lakers are a championship team with Bynum in the lineup. Which is categorically insane, unless Bynum ate Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or something.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Oh, they beat the Sonics without Bynum! They'll be fine!" Guess what. Lots of teams beat Seattle without Bynum. Then, the truth comes out against Phoenix. They have Kwame Brown. Starting. Wah-wah. Get your goggles on, Laker fans. This team is about to hit the atmosphere on these rankings.

10. Denver: I don’t know what to make of this team. I mean, they have a pretty good record, but they’re only ranked seventh in the West. And if they lost their next two games, they’d drop to ninth or tenth. Linas Kleiza was their offensive star this week, and they seem to think that Jose Calderon might be the missing piece of their championship puzzle (if you believe Yahoo's rumors). So are they ranked too high, or are they ranked too low...I have absolutely no idea. I guess I’ll just leave them where they’re at for the time being.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: If this team were a Batman villain, they'd be Two-Face. From Batman Forever. Right down to the bad fashion sense. Seriously. Lose to Atlanta and Charlotte. Whip the Jazz. Is J.R. Smith spiking the water?

11. San Antonio: I hate to brag, but my grandpa was a total badass. He was awarded the Bronze Star in World War II for staying up for three straight days during a major battle. He also rode a motorcycle well into his 70s. But a few years ago, we were walking through a grocery store together and suddenly I realized my grandpa was gone. I turned around and saw him sitting down on a nacho cheese display, trying really hard to catch his breath. That was the moment I realized that, damn, my grandpa is old. I had that same moment this week with the Spurs. And if there's a chink in their championship armor, that's it.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Tim."
"Yes, Pop?"
"It's January."
"Time to put it on cruise-control, till March, Pop?"
"That's right, Tim. Cue the sloppy loss to the Cavs!"

12. Portland: The Trailblazers contagious confidence is spreading across the country. I got so high on the Blazers magic sauce that I tried to walk into a Bulls practice in my Kirk Hinrich jersey. I won't bore you with the rest of that story, but let's just say it didn't have a happy ending and leave it at that. In other news, Portland has lost three of five games. Is that the sound of the Blazers' rocketship coming back down to earth?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot/ This is why, this is why, this is why I'm hot/ I'm hot cause I got Roy, you ain't cause you lack/ you wouldn't believe it, I'm getting run from Jarret Jack./ I'm hot cause I'm fast, you ain't cause you slow/ just imagine how good we'll be next year when Oden's good to go... (Okay, so we blog NBA better than we rap. Point is, the Blazers are friggin' good right now.)

13. Dallas: The Mavs won three of the four games they played this week. But those wins came against the Sonics, Clippers, and Sonics again. And they sandwiched a loss to the Kings in between a couple of those wins. So, as much as I'd like to let them slither down the rankings, I just can't in good conscience do that. Especially when you hear Dirk say things like, "Ich mochte einen flarfenduchte und geblachen deinen penischlossen."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Anybody else feel like Dallas is the Indianapolis Colts of the NBA, only without the ring? Right up to the big goofy white guy leader. No matter what happens, you know they'll be in the top 4 by the season's end. They're starting to get in gear. They need a Dallas-like collapse to get back to the top of these rankings.

14. New Orleans: A few years ago, I went to Mardi Gras with some of my best buds. On one particular drunken day, we watched a small pile of discarded cups grow into a trash heap that covered the sidewalk and half the street for one full city block. This happened over the course of an hour. Seriously, it was like that thing was alive, and I swear that we saw several people fall into it, but we never saw them get out. It was awesome. Anyway, when this year's Hornets remind me of Mardi Gras, in that they sometimes look like a pile of trash, but they're still kind of awesome. Which, unfortunately for them, is bad for these rankings.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Chris Paul owns you. Yes, you. And your mother. And your girlfriend/boyfriend, and her/his dog, too.

15. Phoenix: I can’t fight this feeling anymore. I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for. It’s time to bring this ship into the shore, and throw away the oars forever.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Hmm? What's that? We're losers? We have dysfunction, you say? We're on the verge of a massive collapse? Okay, we'll be right here. Winning, and waiting for that. Thanks."

Labels: Powerless rankings

For the rest of the regular season, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm will be teaming up to give you a weekly ranking of which teams are doing their level best to be the absolute worst in the league. This week, we're taking the East, while the Hardwood Boys are taking the West.

1. Miami: They've lost 10 games in a row. Shaq returned to practice and nobody cares. Pat Riley is trying to get out of Dodge, but the team owner won't let him. Speaking of Riles, he's begging the media to name Shaq to the All-star Game. Not only is Ricky Davis the team's second-leading scorer on the season, Mark Blount led the Heat in scoring over the weekend. That's as close to rock bottom as a team can get. I can't even describe the Heat in basketball terms anymore. The best I can come up with is: This team reminds me of a sweaty armpit somebody covered in refried beans and cooked in the microwave for 15 minutes.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The team with two starters held scoreless, a GM/Coach who lost a sexual harassment suit and lost the confidence of his owner, and who's biggest star is dreaming about Italy, yeah, they're still better than you. Congratulations, Miami, you're negative basketball."

2. New York: At least some people are shocked, surprised, and disappointed at the Heats' fall from grace. Nobody is surprised at how much the Knicks suck, unless you count Isiah Thomas, and you don't. Isiah's screwed up the Knicks so badly that I keep expecting a supercomputer from the future to send back robot warriors to destroy him.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Their position here is really cemented by their consistency. Nary a week goes by without a negative quote, an embarrassing loss, or a scathing review in the Post. Congratulations, New York, you're the anti-Spurs."

3. Charlotte: The Bobcats are working hard to keep Michael Jordan's legacy of mismanaging teams intact. I mean, Adam Morrison (third overall draft pick) and Jason Richardson (four years, $50 million contract)? That's the MJ we know and love. It's like the 2001-02 Washington Wizards all over again!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Charlotte comes in this spot despite the recent success against the top teams in the league, including a win over the Celtics and overtime losses to the Cavs and Pistons, because they're managing a fantastic balance between narrowly losing to good teams and horrifically losing to terrible teams. The dreaded 'ass2ass' performance."

4. Philadelpha: Let me be clear about this -- Philly's chances of being worst in the East, and maybe the league, took a serious hit when they fired Billy King, who was possibly the third worst GM in the league (behind Isiah and Kevin McHale).

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "We likeda Iggy. We no likey da Dalembert. This team gets some strength in these rankings thanks to the gaping holes in their lineup, compounded by a fantastic 6 game losing streak. The Sixers are one injury away from really moving up in these rankings."

5. Milwaukee: This team has over $40 million in salary tied up between Michael Redd, Bobby Simmons, and Maurice Williams. All three of those guys are on the books through 2009-10, and Williams is signed through 2012-13! So Milwaukee promises to be mediocre at best, and really lousy at worst, for years to come! That's some forward thinking by the Bucks brass.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The Bucks are kept down by their playing in the Eastern Conference, and the limitations that come with abject pity. With improved play by Charlie Bell, they're losing votes for 'Worst Offseason Acquisition' to the Knicks, but with Yi hitting the proverbial wall, they're upside is high for the rest of the season."

6. Indiana: Their "best" and highest paid player -- Jermaine O'Neal -- can't even play back-to-back games. The status of the Pacers' big man is best summed up by reader Dave: "I have officially renamed the Pacers' big money as 'The Drain O'Neal'. All he does is flush money and stats down the toilet. It's a dark year for Pacers fans." Add in the fact that the Pacers best players are, in fact, Jamaal Tinsley (who can't stay healthy) and Mike Dunleavy Jr. (who's Mike Dunleavy Jr.), and the Pacers are guaranteed to be bad.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Mike Dunleavy is their leading scorer. Think about that."

7. Chicago: In a rare showing of team unity, the Bulls players voted to bench Joakim Noah and then celebrated their newfound cohesiveness by getting blasted by the Hawks. Impressive.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Boy, firing Skiles really saved the season, huh? The meteoric collapse from last season to now is an impressive feat. This team needs to be wary, though. Any trade that would solve their lineup issues could shoot them back."

8. New Jersey: Once the Nets decided to give Vince Carter a 5-year, $79 million contract, they virtually guaranteed that he'd never care about basketball again. Mind you, he's supposed to be their go-to scorer. He's like the lead weight dragging this team up in our rankings.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The real wild-card in the RPR. This team could end up as high as the 4 seed, or as low as a lottery pick. Of course, Vince Carter's douchebaggery is always good for some negative momentum."

9. Toronto: Their three-game winning streak, which included last night's double-overtime win against the red-hot Blazers, cost the Raptors a higher ranking. But they still overpaid for Jason Kapono in the off-season, so there's still hope.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The Raptors are in a significant slump right now, and that's helping them in these rankings. They're not only not getting surprise wins over teams that are better than them, but they're also periodically losing to teams that are worse than they are. But with Bosh throwing down monster games since his All-Star video, they're not likely to move up any time soon."

10. Atlanta: At a mere one game under .500, this is the best Hawks team since Dikembe Mutumbo was wearing the red and whatever other color they have. I guess that's what happens after a decade's worth of lottery picks. But make no mistake: This is still the Atlanta Hawks we're talking about. I expect worse things from them in the very near future.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Atlanta's finally failed to be terrible despite their considerable talent. It's the end of an era, really. Al Horford is doing the little things this team's always needed, and with Josh Smith making the leap, these team may be headed for legitimate contention."

11. Washington: Hey, weren't the Wizards supposed to fall apart when Gilbert Arenas went down? I had high -- and by "high" I mean "low" -- expectations for these guys. I did not expect them to be above .500, nor did I expect them to beat Boston while Kevin Garnett was still breathing. Well, there's still a chance that Gil will be a chemistry buster when he finally returns.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "No Zero? No Fearo."

12. Cleveland: This team has exactly one player who isn't garbage. Unfortunately, that player is Lebron James, so this team can't be bad enough to get better, but won't be good enough to not be really bad. They're kind of in basketball limbo.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "We'll wait on this team. They may be the worst third-best team in the league, but with 7 of their last 10 wins, we can't reward them with a higher ranking. No matter how useless Larry Hughes is."

13. Orlando: They've defied me by being way better than I could have imagined, and, in some respects, way better than they have any right to be. I mean, they're paying Rashard Lewis so much money he could by a Third World country on eBay. That's going to come back to haunt them, I just know it.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The only way Orlando goes up in these ranking is if Dwight Howard gets injured. Which he won't. Because he's invincible. Plus, he's got the son of man-child to think about now."

14. Boston: Well, it's official -- the shine's off the apple. They've lost two out of three. Not to the Spurs or Suns, mind you, but to the Bobcats and Wizards. That's a bad week no matter who you are.

Hardwood Paroxysm: "Oh, how the mighty have fallen. With Boston losing 2 of its last 3, it's pretty obvious they're falling apart. Yup. Wheels totally coming off. Complete disaster. Please don't hurt us."

15. Detroit: Oh, those sneaky Pistons. They must have sensed we had them last in our rankings and responded by scoring only 65 points and getting routed by the lowly Knicks. Since it was the last game of a four-game road trip, and their fourth game in five nights, we're giving Detroit a mulligan and keeping them right where they are. For now.

Hardwood Paroxysm: "An absolute pathetic attempt by the Pistons. Yes, they lost to the Celtics. But then they go out and stomp the Spurs. On the road. It's clear this team is just not motivated to move up in these rankings."

Labels: Eastern Conference, Powerless rankings