That's right: We're talking about playoffs! Here's where I predict what's going to happen in the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs with such infallible and unerring accuracy that you don't even need to watch.

Atlanta versus Boston: The Execution Series

Philadelphia versus Detroit: The Feel Good Killer Series

Toronto versus Orlando: The "Now Here's A Series" Series

Washington versus Cleveland: The "LeBron Gets Knocked Out In The First Round?!" Series

The Western Conference previews will be out later today.

Quick pimping: Many of you have commented on our nifty new banner, and if you read the playoff previews, you'll notice the totally sweet graphics. They were created by Basketbawful reader Stephen, who recently started a blog called Stephen's Designs. The dude rocks. Go check out his site. He does custom designs.

Labels: Eastern Conference, Jim Mora, NBA playoffs, playoff predictions

For the rest of the regular season, Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm will be teaming up to give you a weekly ranking of which teams are doing their level best to be the absolute worst in the league. This week, we're taking the East, while the Hardwood Boys are taking the West.

1. Miami: They've lost 10 games in a row. Shaq returned to practice and nobody cares. Pat Riley is trying to get out of Dodge, but the team owner won't let him. Speaking of Riles, he's begging the media to name Shaq to the All-star Game. Not only is Ricky Davis the team's second-leading scorer on the season, Mark Blount led the Heat in scoring over the weekend. That's as close to rock bottom as a team can get. I can't even describe the Heat in basketball terms anymore. The best I can come up with is: This team reminds me of a sweaty armpit somebody covered in refried beans and cooked in the microwave for 15 minutes.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The team with two starters held scoreless, a GM/Coach who lost a sexual harassment suit and lost the confidence of his owner, and who's biggest star is dreaming about Italy, yeah, they're still better than you. Congratulations, Miami, you're negative basketball."

2. New York: At least some people are shocked, surprised, and disappointed at the Heats' fall from grace. Nobody is surprised at how much the Knicks suck, unless you count Isiah Thomas, and you don't. Isiah's screwed up the Knicks so badly that I keep expecting a supercomputer from the future to send back robot warriors to destroy him.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Their position here is really cemented by their consistency. Nary a week goes by without a negative quote, an embarrassing loss, or a scathing review in the Post. Congratulations, New York, you're the anti-Spurs."

3. Charlotte: The Bobcats are working hard to keep Michael Jordan's legacy of mismanaging teams intact. I mean, Adam Morrison (third overall draft pick) and Jason Richardson (four years, $50 million contract)? That's the MJ we know and love. It's like the 2001-02 Washington Wizards all over again!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Charlotte comes in this spot despite the recent success against the top teams in the league, including a win over the Celtics and overtime losses to the Cavs and Pistons, because they're managing a fantastic balance between narrowly losing to good teams and horrifically losing to terrible teams. The dreaded 'ass2ass' performance."

4. Philadelpha: Let me be clear about this -- Philly's chances of being worst in the East, and maybe the league, took a serious hit when they fired Billy King, who was possibly the third worst GM in the league (behind Isiah and Kevin McHale).

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "We likeda Iggy. We no likey da Dalembert. This team gets some strength in these rankings thanks to the gaping holes in their lineup, compounded by a fantastic 6 game losing streak. The Sixers are one injury away from really moving up in these rankings."

5. Milwaukee: This team has over $40 million in salary tied up between Michael Redd, Bobby Simmons, and Maurice Williams. All three of those guys are on the books through 2009-10, and Williams is signed through 2012-13! So Milwaukee promises to be mediocre at best, and really lousy at worst, for years to come! That's some forward thinking by the Bucks brass.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The Bucks are kept down by their playing in the Eastern Conference, and the limitations that come with abject pity. With improved play by Charlie Bell, they're losing votes for 'Worst Offseason Acquisition' to the Knicks, but with Yi hitting the proverbial wall, they're upside is high for the rest of the season."

6. Indiana: Their "best" and highest paid player -- Jermaine O'Neal -- can't even play back-to-back games. The status of the Pacers' big man is best summed up by reader Dave: "I have officially renamed the Pacers' big money as 'The Drain O'Neal'. All he does is flush money and stats down the toilet. It's a dark year for Pacers fans." Add in the fact that the Pacers best players are, in fact, Jamaal Tinsley (who can't stay healthy) and Mike Dunleavy Jr. (who's Mike Dunleavy Jr.), and the Pacers are guaranteed to be bad.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Mike Dunleavy is their leading scorer. Think about that."

7. Chicago: In a rare showing of team unity, the Bulls players voted to bench Joakim Noah and then celebrated their newfound cohesiveness by getting blasted by the Hawks. Impressive.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Boy, firing Skiles really saved the season, huh? The meteoric collapse from last season to now is an impressive feat. This team needs to be wary, though. Any trade that would solve their lineup issues could shoot them back."

8. New Jersey: Once the Nets decided to give Vince Carter a 5-year, $79 million contract, they virtually guaranteed that he'd never care about basketball again. Mind you, he's supposed to be their go-to scorer. He's like the lead weight dragging this team up in our rankings.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The real wild-card in the RPR. This team could end up as high as the 4 seed, or as low as a lottery pick. Of course, Vince Carter's douchebaggery is always good for some negative momentum."

9. Toronto: Their three-game winning streak, which included last night's double-overtime win against the red-hot Blazers, cost the Raptors a higher ranking. But they still overpaid for Jason Kapono in the off-season, so there's still hope.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The Raptors are in a significant slump right now, and that's helping them in these rankings. They're not only not getting surprise wins over teams that are better than them, but they're also periodically losing to teams that are worse than they are. But with Bosh throwing down monster games since his All-Star video, they're not likely to move up any time soon."

10. Atlanta: At a mere one game under .500, this is the best Hawks team since Dikembe Mutumbo was wearing the red and whatever other color they have. I guess that's what happens after a decade's worth of lottery picks. But make no mistake: This is still the Atlanta Hawks we're talking about. I expect worse things from them in the very near future.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Atlanta's finally failed to be terrible despite their considerable talent. It's the end of an era, really. Al Horford is doing the little things this team's always needed, and with Josh Smith making the leap, these team may be headed for legitimate contention."

11. Washington: Hey, weren't the Wizards supposed to fall apart when Gilbert Arenas went down? I had high -- and by "high" I mean "low" -- expectations for these guys. I did not expect them to be above .500, nor did I expect them to beat Boston while Kevin Garnett was still breathing. Well, there's still a chance that Gil will be a chemistry buster when he finally returns.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "No Zero? No Fearo."

12. Cleveland: This team has exactly one player who isn't garbage. Unfortunately, that player is Lebron James, so this team can't be bad enough to get better, but won't be good enough to not be really bad. They're kind of in basketball limbo.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "We'll wait on this team. They may be the worst third-best team in the league, but with 7 of their last 10 wins, we can't reward them with a higher ranking. No matter how useless Larry Hughes is."

13. Orlando: They've defied me by being way better than I could have imagined, and, in some respects, way better than they have any right to be. I mean, they're paying Rashard Lewis so much money he could by a Third World country on eBay. That's going to come back to haunt them, I just know it.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "The only way Orlando goes up in these ranking is if Dwight Howard gets injured. Which he won't. Because he's invincible. Plus, he's got the son of man-child to think about now."

14. Boston: Well, it's official -- the shine's off the apple. They've lost two out of three. Not to the Spurs or Suns, mind you, but to the Bobcats and Wizards. That's a bad week no matter who you are.

Hardwood Paroxysm: "Oh, how the mighty have fallen. With Boston losing 2 of its last 3, it's pretty obvious they're falling apart. Yup. Wheels totally coming off. Complete disaster. Please don't hurt us."

15. Detroit: Oh, those sneaky Pistons. They must have sensed we had them last in our rankings and responded by scoring only 65 points and getting routed by the lowly Knicks. Since it was the last game of a four-game road trip, and their fourth game in five nights, we're giving Detroit a mulligan and keeping them right where they are. For now.

Hardwood Paroxysm: "An absolute pathetic attempt by the Pistons. Yes, they lost to the Celtics. But then they go out and stomp the Spurs. On the road. It's clear this team is just not motivated to move up in these rankings."

Labels: Eastern Conference, Powerless rankings

When I was just a wee tot, my mom taught me that if you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all. Then, after almost 20 years of silence, she begged me to start talking again. Which is great, because I have a lot of not-so-nice things to say about the NBA's Eastern Conference.

Atlanta Hawks: I have never forgiven the Hawks for trading Dominique Wilkins to the Clippers in '94. And neither has God. That's like sending your favorite grandfather to the nursing home where they serve cat food and administer nightly beatings. Some people might think that the last decade worth of losing seasons was enough of a punishment, but I don't. And neither does God.

Boston Celtics: I've been a Boston Celtics fan for my entire life, so I was intially thrilled that the Celtics had acquired Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Finally, the team was relevant again! Finally, they might actually be contenders again! However, the media fellatio being performed on the Red Sox and Patriots is starting to make me hate anything and everything related to Boston. I even tossed a brick through the window of a Boston Market last night. Can I really root against one of my all-time favorite teams? Check back with me after the World Series.

Charlotte Bobcats: This is a promising team with a lot of young talent, but I don't think they can overcome season-ending injuries to Sean May and Adam Morrison. And that should tell you pretty much all you need to know about the Bobcats.

Chicago Bulls: Speaking of promising teams with a lot of young talent. Thanks to the continuing development of the core group (Luol Deng, Kirk Hinrich, Ben Gordon) and the additions of Joakim Noah and Joe Smith, the Bulls should be even better this year. But even though this team should win 50+ games and will win a playoff series or two, I just can't see them making it to the Finals without a go-to guy or a low-post scorer.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Sasha Pavlovic and Anderson Varejao are still holding out. Look, I know the Cavs got to be the Spurs' hors d'oeuvres in the NBA Finals last year, but when the ultimate fate of your team comes down to guys like Pavlovic and Varejao...well, I think it's safe to say Cleveland won't be making a return trip to the Finals.

Detroit Pistons: These guys are like the NBA equivalent of a horror-movie killer: They never go away. Why, Pistons? Why won't you go away?

Indiana Pacers: With the additions of Travis Diener and Stanko Barac to a team that already featured Jeff Foster, Mike Dunleavy Jr., and Troy Murphy, the Pacers are whiter than ever. That might not be good for wins, but thanks to white privilege at least a couple of these guys should make the All-Star Team or win an MVP, right?

Miami Heat: Pat Riley pulled off a total coup by unloading Antoine Walker's rotting corpse (8.5 PPG, 4.3 RPG, 39 percent shooting) and a couple nobodies for Ricky Davis (17.0 PPG, 3.9 RPG, 4.8 APG) and Mark Blount (12.3 PPG, 6.2 RPG, 50 percent shooting). But think about that: If your team is radically improved by the acquisition of Davis and Blount, you're in big trouble.

Orlando Magic: I still can't believe the Magic signed Rashard Lewis to a $118 million contract. Unless the Magic know something about Lewis nobody else knows -- like the fact that a single drop of his sweat grants eternal life -- they're paying about $60 million more than they should be. And outside of Dwight Howard, the rest of the Magic's roster is just kind of sad.

Milwaukee Bucks: You know, that Yi Jianlian hasn't looked half-bad in the preseason. He even had a 15 point, 12 rebound night against the Timberwolves. But he's no Wang Zhizhi. Need I say more?

New Jersey Nets: Will Vince Carter's new $61.8 million contract inspire him to improve his game? Did Jason Kidd spend the summer working on his jumpshot? Can Richard Jefferson finally stay healthy enough to finally fulfill his potential and justify the $78 million contract he signed in 2004? The answers to these questions are: No, no, and no. That should make the answer to "Are the Nets contenders?" pretty self-evident.

New York Knicks: I won't be able to take this team seriously while Isiah Thomas is still the GM and coach. Until that situation changes, they're doomed, and anybody who says differently should be punched in the face.

Philadelphia 76ers: In non-basketball related news, did you see Brian Griese lead the Bears on a last-minute, 97-yard touchdown drive to beat the Eagles last Sunday? Not Bob Griese, Brian Griese. The is the same guy who injured himself by tripping on a driveway (because it was "too steep") and then later injured himself falling down a flight of stairs (because his dog ran down the stairs and "clipped" him). This of course came a few weeks after the Eagles' quarterback, Donovan McNabb got sacked 12 times, probably because he's black, and black quarterbacks get criticized more than white quarterbacks. Or something like that. Anyway, the Eagles are 2-4 and I really doubt the 76ers are going to do much better. I just feel so sorry for Philidelphia sports fans. Seriously.

Toronto Raptors: I must be slipping, because I don't have a single bad thing to say about this team. I mean, other than that they overpaid for Jason Kapono. And that they haven't sorted out their point guard issues. And nobody on that team can play defense. And they can't really score on the inside. Other than that, they're solid.

Washington Wizards: The Wizards biggest offseason "moves" were surgeries for Gilbert Arenas (knee) and Etan Thomas (heart). Thomas is out for the season and Arenas has shot 29 percent (15-of-51) in five preseason games. So, you know, if you live in Washington, I wouldn't suggest getting your hopes up.

Labels: Eastern Conference, NBA, season preview

TrueHoop ran a post yesterday called Handicapping the New East in which "a bunch of bloggers, journalists, insiders, and lovers of the game" predicted how this year's Eastern Conference playoff race is going to turn out. You can go there for the full story, but here's the Basketbawful contribution:

"The playoff teams are Boston, Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Miami, New Jersey, Toronto, and Washington. You'll notice that, for the most part, these are the teams whose core players have been together the longest. After all, consistency usually = winning. These picks are, of course, contingent on key players remaining healthy, Dwyane Wade and Gilbert Arenas each making a full recovery, Shaq choosing to play more than half the season, and Vince Carter not wimping out now that he's got a new big-money contract. The Celtics, thanks to the additions of Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett, will improve the most. The Bucks and Magic will fight a losing battle for the final playoff spot. The Bobcats, Hawks, and Sixers will surprise some people. The Knicks will continue to disappoint, much to chagrin of their fans and the delight of everybody else. There's going to be very little separating the top eight teams. Any of them could advance, although my heart says Chicago and my brain says Detroit for the Eastern Conference Finals, with the Pistons moving on. Of course, Cleveland, Miami, and yes, even Boston all have a legitimate shot at reaching the promised land. Wait, Boston's still coached by Doc Rivers, right? Okay, scratch them."

I also predicted that Lebron James would be the MVP of the East. This isn't to say he's necessarily going to be the best player or have the greatest impact, but I think he'll do the most of everything (points, rebounds, assists) and look really spectacular doing it. The media seems to love him, even though they grudingly admit he can't play defense and doesn't have a jumpshot. The clunky jumper is my biggest gripe, though, considering how much he likes to bomb away from the outside.

Anyway, we'll see in, oh, about eight months how close to the mark I was.

Labels: Eastern Conference, playoff predictions