1. The Cleveland Cadavers: After snapping their all-time league-worst 26-game losing streak against (of course) the Clippers, the Cadavers have managed to beat both the Lakers and the new-look Knicks. But if The Zombie Survival Guide taught me anything, it's this: Rising from the grave to feed on the living is not the same as returning to life. Especially when you trade for Baron Davis.

2. The Washington Wizards Generals: This was a tough decision. The Nyets and Craptors were pretty deserving of the two spot. But, of the three teams vying for "Second Worst Team in the League" status, the Generals have the worst record (15-43), worst Margin of Victory (-6.9) and, most importantly, the worst road record (1-28). All this despite having number one overall draft pick John Wall.

3. The New Jersey Nyets: I wanted to put the Craptors here. I really did. After all, Toronto is 1.5 games back in the win column. Or is that 1.5 games ahead in the loss column? Semantics aside, the Nyets won (lost?) out due to a slightly worse MOV, a similaly slightly worse MOV, and the fact that they are 0-9 in a division that includes...the Craptors. So far the addition of All-Star point guard Deron Williams has done Jack and Shit. And Jack left town.

4. The Toronto Craptors: The Generals still have Wall. And the Nyets have at least a season and a half of Williams. The Craptors have Andrea Bargnani through 2014-15. And, presumably, prayers for a quick and merciful death.

5. The Minnesota Timberwolves: Kevin Love now has four 30-point/20-rebound games this season. According to ESPN Stats and Information, that ties Shaq and Charles Barkley for the second-most in a single season in the last 25 years. Shaq also had five 30-20 games in 1999-00. K-Love also ranks fourth in Player Efficiency Rating, meaning he's the fourth-best player in the league, right? And yet...the Timberwolves are 14-46 and have a Margin of Victory of -6.0. Something's wrong here.

6. The Sacramento Kings: The Anaheim Kings? Hell, at this point, the Maloof brothers would ship the Kings pretty much anywhere that would make them a quick buck. Here's my radical answer to the problem: The [Insert City Name] Kings! That's right. The Maloofs could offer five-game, 10-game, 15-game and 20-game plans. Any city could host and "own" the Kings for a limited time. Think about it. The Kokomo Kings. The Louisville Kings. The...what?

7. The Detroit Pistons: Let me get this straight: A bunch of overrated, overpaid and/or over-the-hill players staged a walkout on coach John Kuester? Well, then, the coach must be the problem. In possibly related news, at the trade deadline, opposing teams treated Detroit's various contracts like baby poo covered in hazardous toxins and wrapped in terrorists.

8. The Los Angeles Clippers: After a brief "surge," the Clippers have lost 10 of their last 12 games. Despite the ongoing and unquestioned awesomeness of Blake Griffin -- even if his car dunk was contrived and lame -- the Clippers are 22-37 and coached by Vinny Del Negro. In other words: They are who we thought they were. Still. On the bright side, they shipped Baron Davis, his fat contract, and his even fatter ass, to Cleveland. So they have that going for them. Which is nice.

9. The Golden State Warriors: Let's see: They score a lot of points. They give up a lot of points. They lose a lot of games. And we're absolutely, positively sure Don Nelson retired?

10. The Charlotte Bobcats: In case you needed any more evidence that not everything crapped out of Michael Jordan's ass is delicious candy...

11. The Milwaukee Bucks: Remember how much fun it was the Fear the Deer last season? Now the only people who fear them are season ticket holders. Milwaukee ranks dead last in PPG, FGP, eFG% and Offensive Rating. Offensively speaking, they're a D-League team playing with a rock instead of a basketball and dead fish instead of hands. Reminder: Their offseason plan revolved around adding Corey Maggette and Drew Gooden. Think about that. Just think about it.

12. The Utah Jazz: Larry Miller is dead. Jerry Sloan is retired. Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams have been replaced with Al Jefferson and Devin Harris. And Andrei Kirilenko is on the books for nearly $18 million this season. Let's just say that, if we found a compound full of dead Jazz fans and empty Kool-Aid cups, I wouldn't be completely surprised.

13. The Indiana Pacers: Much as it pains me to admit this, Indy's near-miss on O.J. Mayo typifies Larry Bird's tenure as the team's President of Basketall Mismanagement. That Danny Granger and The Misfits might actually make the playoffs is a decent argument that the balance of power hasn't totally shifted eastward.

14. The Atlanta Hawks: Can anybody give me one good reason why the Hawks are anything other than a first round playoff exit waiting to happen? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

15. The Denver Nuggets: The post-'Melo trade adrenaline is going to wear off. And when it does...

16. The Houston Rockets: This is the perfect place for the Rockets. They keep hovering around .500. They seem to exist only to be a pain in the ass to better teams and a scourge to lesser ones. And that mad statistical genius, Daryl Morey, just traded for Hasheem Thabeet. If there was a trophy for scrappy overachievement, the Rockets would win it, hands down. As it is...

17. The Memphis Grizzlies: Don't buy into them. Don't do it. I'm warning you. Put it this way: How much faith do you feel comfortable putting into a team built on the foundation of Zach Randolph?

18. The Phoenix Suns. Look out. They're surging.

19. The Philadelphia 76ers: Philly managed to sneak back over .500 while nobody was looking (or caring). And, sneaky as you please, the Sixers have won 13 of their past 17 games. And, going further back, they're 27-16 since their 3-13 start. All that said: Look at their roster. Look at it closely. They're not scaring anybody worth scaring.

20. The New York Knicks: Their win over the Heat does not cancel out their loss to the Cadavers. It just doesn't. I mean, would a plate full of crawling insects taste better just because somebody dumped a juicy steak on it?

21. The Portland Frail Blazers: I really have no idea how they're doing it.

22. The New Orleans Hornets: Two words: Fools' Gold.

23. The Oklahoma City Thunder: We know they can score, but the Thunder have been pretty average on defense this season (currently 16th in Defensive Rating). They're hoping Kendrick Perkins can change that. Uh oh! Perk is out two-to-three weeks because of a sprained left knee. But the good news is that the injury wasn't to his surgically-repaired right knee or his surgically repaired left shoulder. Here's another Perkins factoid: He has a higher career turnover percentage (23.0) than Kwame "Stone Hands" Brown (16.8). And Kendrick's career PER (12.9) is barely higher than Kwame's (12.6). Just some thoughts to chew on.

24. The Orlando Magic: When they were counting on significant contributions from Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter, that seemed insane, right? Now they're counting on significant contributions from Gilbert Arenas and Hedo Turkoglu. Can we honestly say things have improved in Orlando?

25. The Dallas Mavericks: They seem so good. So really, really good. Clicking on offense. Clicking on defense. It makes you wonder: How are they going to flame out in the playoffs this year? Because we all know it's going to happen, we just don't know how. Yet.

26. The Los Angeles Lakers: I can hear the bleating of Lakers fans now: "But, but, but we've won four in a row coming out of the All-Star break! Including road games versus the Frail Blazers and Thunder!" Shut the hell up, Lakers fans. It's been exactly 12 days since you lost to the Cadavers.

27. The Boston Celtics: I bet people will stop mocking Danny Ainge when the Thunder buy out Kendrick Perkins and he re-signs with the Celtics for the league minimum. The Boston's gonna sign Troy Murphy, who averaged 14.3 PPG and 11.8 RPG while shooting 45 percent on threes as recently as 2008-09. Then Rasheed Wallace is gonna come back, and rumor has it he's spent the last three months completing the p90x training program. Yeah! Yeah!!

28. The Miami Heat: I know, I know. They keep kicking the absolute living shit out of bad teams, and that's supposed to be the best indicator of future (read that: playoff) success. But they're 1-7 against the league's other elite teams. And despite having two of the best three players on the planet -- both in their prime and playing like MVPs -- they've recently collapsed in crunch time against the Celtics, Bulls and Knicks. The stat geeks keep telling us this won't be a problem in the postseason, so I'm sure everything will be fine.

29. The Chicago Bulls: Their recent wins over the Spurs and Heat are somewhat mitigated by a huge defensive fail in Toronto and the fact that Keith Bogans, against all reason, is still their starting shooting guard.

30. The San Antonio Spurs: Why does it feel like they're still sort of under the radar?

Bonus Bawful: I'm going to post Chris's weekend lacktion report in the comments.


Blogger Basketbawful said...
Chris's Weekend Lacktion Ledger:

Jazz-Pacers: Francisco Elson furloughed a board with three fouls and pieces of masonry each for a 3:1 VOskuhl in 5:31.

Suns-Craptors: Alexis Ajinca rollerskated into facepalm city after sliding away two boards with six bricks (despite a made free throw) in 13:18 and two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Thunder-Magic: Oklahoma City's Cole Aldrich covered up five boards in 15:28 with four fouls and two turnovers for a 6:5 Voskuhl, while teammate Royal Ivey tossed a brick from Thornton Park for a +1 in 3:27.

For Orlando, Quenton Richardson also threw some masonry around in Lake Eola to gather up a +1 in 2:24.

Hornets-Wolves: David Andersen is a rich man after a 1.7 trillion (1:43) take.

Nyets-Spurs: In the highly unanticipated rematch of the 2003 Finals, Ben Uzoh did garner an assist and two boards...but only had 54 seconds to do so in a non-lacktive Mario.

San Antonio's Antonio McDyess dished out a board in 11:26, along with four bricks and two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl Chris Quinn bricked once in 107 seconds for a +1, and Null-Star Steve Novak also had a 54-second Mario!

Hawks-Warriors: Dirty bird Hilton Armstrong can now add a penthouse and minibar to his crib after getting a 1.3 trillion investment (1:16).

Clippers-Warriors: The Other LA Team's Ike Diogu clearly found the "road" a great place to make money (if that road is as long as the Staples Center hallway), gathering up a bounty of 3.2 trillion (3:13)!

Nuggets-Frail Blazers: Armon Johnson hammered down a 44 second Mario.

Mavs-Generals: Ian Mahinmi had himself a lost rock and a miss in 3:05 for a +2 that doubled as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl, while DeShawn Stevenson bricked once from the National Mall for a +1 in 2:02.

Nyets-Rockets: Yep, WELCOME TO HOUSTON, HASHEEM "THE SECOND OVERALL DREAM" THABEET, lacking it up for his new employer in 122 seconds with two fouls for a +2 AND a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Lakers-Thunder: Luke Walton can now pay for a safer exercise bike for his dad after garnering a celebratory 5.95 trillion (5:58).

Warriors-Wolves: East Oakland's Ekpe Udoh undid a trio of boards with two bricks and four fouls n 9:48 for a 4:3 Voskuhl, while fellow Warrior Acie Law acquired a +5 in 8:15 via trio of bricks and two fouls.

Wayne Ellington gave Minnesota a +4 in 5:21 via two missed shots, rejection, and turnover.

Mavs-Craptors: DeShawn Stevenson tossed two pieces of masonry from Yonge Street for a +2 in 5:50.

Rockets-Hornets: Jason Smith buzzed into the ledger tonight by negating a steal in 3:34 with a foul for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Grizzlies-Spurs: Chris Quinn mightily signed off on 4.7 trillion (4:43) in bonds!

Knicks-El (Oh El) Heat: Despite a board in 11:55, Ronny Turiaf celebrated with three fouls and a turnover for a 4:1 Voskuhl.

Blogger Murcy said...
fiiiinally yes, the reason for which I started to read basketbawful was the powerless rankings with hardwood paroxysm (my other favourite NBA blog) some 4-5 years back now. by the way, it seems that your relationship with matt and the paroxysm crew is not as good as it used to be. why is that?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Nooooo! Not the 'surging' curse!

Gortat is being awesome, and Carter is sitting at end of games. I don't know if Brooks can handle strictly backup minutes to Nash, so he'll have to have some time playing next to him.

But these past games have mostly been skating by with close victories. I'm less inspired than I am with ESPN constantly pointing out the Heat record against top wins record teams. Grant Hill can't keep up this pace, and where the hell is Childress? Unless they show some quickly improved chemistry and roles, I can't even get.excited rooting for an underdog upset.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
by the way, it seems that your relationship with matt and the paroxysm crew is not as good as it used to be. why is that?

Actually, Matt and I are on good terms. He's just juggling so many balls right now that we haven't been able to get together for the Powerless Rankings. So I decided to pop some out on my own.

But these past games have mostly been skating by with close victories. I'm less inspired than I am with ESPN constantly pointing out the Heat record against top wins record teams. Grant Hill can't keep up this pace, and where the hell is Childress? Unless they show some quickly improved chemistry and roles, I can't even get.excited rooting for an underdog upset.

Pretty much how I feel...I wanna feel good about the Suns. I do. But Robert fucking Sarver has destroyed me.

Anonymous Stockton said...
Jazz will be fine until someone asks Harris if he thinks they'll make the playoffs...

Anonymous EuroGuy said...
I'm guessing Rudy will think twice before chest-bumping Roy another time:


Anonymous Czernobog said...
How about... The Dubai Kings?

Blogger Dan B. said...
Last night I took my miniature dachshund Brownie to pee before putting her to bed, and since it was raining outside, I just took her to the newspaper-filled box we keep in the laundry room. I put down a fresh piece of newspaper for her, and noticed the first article on it was the latest on Louisville's efforts to get an NBA team like the Kings. Brownie pissed all over the article. I think that speaks volumes. Sigh.

Anonymous Angry Canuck said...
Went to the Craps game last night. They actually hung with the Mavs for three quarters, and I was crowing, since "bargs" was not playing, and I am convinced they're a better team without his creampuff ass on it.

Then they collapsed. And DeRozan looked a LOT worse in person than his stats would suggest. James Johnson is an interesting prospect though, if he learns to shoot.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blogger Paul said...
Today's bawfulness has been brought to you courtesy of His Crabness.


Anonymous The Other Chris said...
What, I thought LeDouche was allowed to take 17 steps? No fairs.

And that Daniel Gibson thing is so stupid reading about it actually makes you dumber. What children. Maybe the Heat aren't playing that great because their best player spends a lot of time being butthurt about what some guy said at some party that no one gives a shit about. That no one in their right mind would even pay attention to.


Anonymous The Other Chris said...
How foul is the stench emanating from the Wizards? Mike Bibby voluntarily gave up $6.2 million to escape the Blatche-y confines of Washington.


Anonymous Don Mølse said...
Actually i think todays of court WotN goes to the always adorable Donald sterling:


Blogger Jerry Vinokurov said...
I think the reason people are ignoring the Spurs is because they've been so good for so long that it's only news when they aren't playing well.

Anonymous Aaron said...
mike bibby is going to be the savior for the Heat? is this a joke?

Blogger KHayes666 said...
I'll give the Heat credit, Bibby is no Tiny Archibald but he's no stiff either. Getting an experienced veteran backup point guard is what they needed to do.....now all they need is 5 other bench players and maybe they can get by the Magic and Celtics.

The Spurs are under the radar because they don't have the pizzaz that Miami, Boston, LA or even Chicago has. This will change in the playoffs barring injury, just wait.

The Knicks still need a bench, so unless they get Troy Murphy nobody should really fear them.

Anonymous Reignman said...
As a Spurs fan, this season has been amazing. Pop somehow rebuilt Richard Jefferson's game, Manu and Tony are healthy, and we're winning despite the fact that Duncan entered Sheed mode and is just cruising till the playoffs (I certainly hope that's the case).

Sure, there are still many doubts...our best big men (other than TD) are Blair (great attitude and effort, yet severely undersized), Dice (love him, but too damn old) and Bonner (goddammit -well, at least he isn't starting anymore, those were dark times), and as good as our guards are, we know the key to beating LA is size.

Anonymous Mike Mai said...
the craptors get this every night: http://cl.ly/4vDS

Anonymous Reignman said...
And just as I was feeling good about Manu and Tony's health, Parker's out for 2-4 weeks...dammit. But hey, Bibby is available and says he wants to play for a contender, we should be able to get him to come to SA, right? right?

Blogger lordhenry said...
I was pretty pissed at L.A. b4 all-star break, but I'm happy with how they look at this moment. Looks like they are trying, and a win against Portland (where we haven't won since dinosaurs walked the earth) shows it.

Ron looks like he remembers how to play basketball. Or at least remembers that he is on a basketball court.

Blogger Wormboy said...
Czernoblog cracked me up. Dubai. Perfect!

"Why does it feel like they're still sort of under the radar?"

Because everybody is baffled by a Spurs team without a dominant (or even ambulatory?) Duncan and that wins by outscoring opponents. It's like a spaceman walked onto the set of a Clint Eastwood Western; everybody just stopped and is staring in utter confusion.

Blogger elbow > face said...
Epic funny but it's about as accurate as it's allegedly serious counterpart (and I'm guessing this is somewhat intentional).

The Celtics have chosen poorly and should be bumped up 8-10 spots to properly express the fail and resulting freakout.

The Lakers and the Mavs should both be lower on the list than the Heat. It's just good logic since the Heat have Chris Bosh (if I need to explain why this is bad you should flog yourself then read the rest of the front page).

Also for the next weeks edition, if there is one, The Spurs will need to drop to about #23 due to the Parker injury and the fracus associated with it.

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