You thought Sunday night's All-Star game was the end of the All-Star festivities, didn't you? You were wrong. Oh, so bawfully wrong. What better way to celebrate President's Day than to hold the second annual Null-Star Game? (Hint: pretty much any other way is a better way to celebrate, but here we are.)

The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23 ass-whuppin' victory in last year's game. The game was simulated in NBA 2K11 with five-minute quarters because referees threatened to walk out when we told them there'd be full-length quarters. Also, the only way we could lure fans was to offer a Ten Cent Beer Night, so we couldn't play too long, lest we see another riot. (Heaven help the poor bastard who hits Brian Scalabrine in the face with a beer. His championship ring will leave a mighty dent in your forehead.)

The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:

Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
Starters:
Von Wafer, Celtics: 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 7 appearances with trillions for a combined total of 20.45 trillion, averaging 2.9 trillion per lacktive game. 5 suck differential games, for a total of +10.
Quinton Ross, Nyets: 3 Marios, averaging 24 seconds per Mario appearance. 4 suck differential games for a total of +11.
Jason Kapono, Sixers: 7 Marios, averaging 19.4 seconds per Mario apperance, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies.
Brian Scalabrine, Bulls: He's the Null-Star equivalent of Tim Duncan in this year's All-Star game, getting essentially the "lifetime achievement" spot. Yes, a lifetime achievement of towel-waving and contributing only on the rarest of occasions.
Joel Anthony, Heat: Total suck differential of +11, averaging +3.7 per lacktive appearance. 15 Voskuhls. Two triple zeros in one month.

Reserves:
Stephen Graham, Nyets: 4 suck differential games, +13 total, averaging +3.25.
Trevor Booker, Generals: 4 Marios, averaging 17 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. Combined trillion efforts of 7.5 trillion, averaging 3.75 trillion per lacktive game.
Johan Petro, Nyets: 14 Voskuhls
Sherron Collins, Bobcraps: 3 Marios, averaging 10.7 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 4 suck differential games.
Semih Erden, Celtics: +12 total suck differential, averaging +6 per lacktive game.
Hilton Armstrong, Generals: 3 Marios, 11 Voskuhls.
Ryan Hollins, Cadavers: 9 Voskuhls.
Western Conference Null-Stars:
Starters:
Ronnie Price, Jazz: A combined effort of 10.2 trillion in just two lacktive efforts, averaging a mighty 5.1 trillion per game. 5 suck differential games for a total of +10.
Quincy Pondexter, Hornets: 3 games with trillions, for a total of 7 trillion, averaging 2.33 trillion per game. 4 appearances with suck differentials.
Luke Babbitt, Blazers: 6 appearances with suck differentials, and one of the few Blazers with working legs.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, Kings: 5 Marios. A total +10 suck differential, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game.
Hasheem Thabeet, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, and 12 Voskuhls.

Reserves:
Willie Warren, Clippers: 10 total trillion in just two lacktive appearances, averaging a staggering 5 trillion per appearance.
Dan Gadzuric, Warriors: A total suck differential of +10, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game. 10 Voskuhls.
Jarron Collins, Clippers: 5 games with trillions, combining for 12.1 total trillion, averaging 2.42 trillion per lacktive game.
Steve Novak, Spurs: 3 Marios. 3 games with trillion box score lines. Most Bawful Player from the 2010 Null-Star game.
Kyrylo Fesenko, Jazz: 5 suck differential games, with a league-leading 16 Voskuhls.
Sam Young, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, for a combined +14.
Brian Cardinal, Mavericks: Averaging 2.43 trillion per lacktive appearance, plus 5 games with suck differentials.
And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. I didn't believe it was possible, but I'm fairly certain this game was even more bawful than last year's game. Prepare yourself for blown dunks, an over-and-back violation, and the worst shooting in the history of organized basketball.

1st Quarter:

2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:

3rd Quarter:

4th Quarter and Game Recap:


Box score:

western-box-score
eastern-box-score
Shooting Zones:

west-shooting-zoneseast-shooting-zones
Lacktion report:
For the East, Ryan Hollins racked up one personal foul in four minutes for a +1. For the West, Sam Young had 5 missed shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover for a stunning +7 while Kyrylo Fesenko cashed in for 2 trillion.

Most Bawful Player:
While Sam Young did rack up a mighty lot of failure in his 9 minutes on the court, I have to give the nod to Luke Babbitt. Though he did add 6 points, 2 boards, and a steal, he also went 1-13 from the field and absolutely destroyed his team's offensive flow on nearly every possession, shooting bad jumper after bad jumper early in the shot clock. His game-worst -27 further proves his status as the Most Bawful Player.

Noteworthy:
Von Wafer nearly destroyed the civilized world with a dunk that approached Chaos Dunk territory. It decapitated everyone within several yards of the basket, as captured in this striking image:

von-wafer-dunk

And boom goes the dynamite.

Labels: , , ,

52 Comments:
Anonymous kazam92 said...
Welp, not to damp on the Null Star festivities but Melo is now a Knick (so is Billups). Thoughts?

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yep. Here's the original Denver Post article that broke the news.

My fantasy team just took a hit with Chandler, as NY's schedule is way better down the stretch. Atleast they didn't give up Fields, he is the awesome.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
On second thought, I did wish all the worse to whatever team Amar''''''e ended up on, but this is just sad.

Anonymous Aaron said...
will this mean denver not making the playoff? will both utah and denver fall off and let phoenix make it instead? god, i hope so.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
You think your fantasy team is in trouble? Felton was a boon for me in D'Antoni's system. Denver is pretty fast paced as well, but with Lawson breathing down his neck, I expect a return to Bobcat Felton soon.

Anonymous SportingLisbon said...
i really thing the Nugs did ok...Knicks now need an ENTIRE BENCH and a center...congrats on an awsome nullstar game!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@ SportingLisbon
I think D'Antoni can handle not needing a bench. He has done it in the past.

Anonymous Luigi said...
The Null-Star game got me thinking.. Where's THE immortal Mario West nowadays? Any chance for a comeback to the NBA? Knicks seem to be a few guys short on the SG spot...

Anonymous kazam92 said...
They quietly got Corey Brewer who can sort of fill in the Chandler role as the key defender. They still have Douglas, Walker & Williams who can shoot well from deep. They need help at Center really. Turiaf has been dinged up all year. The immortal Earl Barron cannot save them.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Uh... so... now New York has not one, but TWO 6-10 scoring PF's who dominate the ball, don't rebound, and play suspect (at best) defense.

Yay?

At least Bosh, Wade and LeBron all played different positions. As did KG, Pierce, and Allen. What's the word we use when you have two things that do exactly the same thing, and one is all you need, but you have two? Redundant. Just like that last sentence.

Anyway Carmelo is good, but one of these guys is going to have to start rebounding if this is going to work out. Ruh-roh.

Blogger Cathy said...
Yeah, bad news for Raymond Felton's career.

Anonymous Flud said...
I'm watchin' this at lunchtime. I love this site sooo much.

Blogger Ragib said...
Mike _'Antoni, Amare and now Carmelo? Knicks are all offence, allergic to defense. They've have gone from getting lottery picks, to inevitable first, maybe second round playoff exists. Is that a long term improvement? I don't think so. Like Mark Cuban says, it's better to suck really bad than to just be decent.

Anonymous Stockton said...
5* game!!!!!
Too bad some icons like THE Mario or 'Toine were not available :(((

How cool would it be to have a lockout next year, and the League replace the strikers by all those null-players (ala The Replacements)?
Imagine an NBA finals featuring Iverson, Antoine Walker, the returned Ostertag...

Hei, Sporting, life's not so good , he?

Blogger KHayes666 said...
Von Wafer deserves Null-Star Game MVP but since the site is what it is, Luke Babbit wins the Null-Star Game Least Valuable Player award (a bronze trophy in the shape of a broken plunger)

Anonymous Jonesy said...
Who were the coaches for the 2011 null-star game??? i'm guessing byron scott for the east and either westphal or VDN for the west!!

Anonymous Barry said...
The opening sequence alone is worth any admission price. Quincy Pondexter jacking up a 3 early in the shot clock, Jackson with a completely uncontested rebound, a Joel Anthony foul...followed by Darnell Jackson's career stats and a missed free-throw.

I enjoyed All-Star Weekend but this trumps it.

Anonymous Arlen said...
The bawful quote of the trade?

http://espn.go.com/blog/TrueHoop/post/_/id/25079/carmelo-a-knick-to-dream-on

"We got Carmelo, so wassup. So what is up. Just sayin'. We got Carmelo. Car-mel-o. We got Carmelo. Carmelo. Wassup. WassUP."

Ya. Sounds like a good person to quote in your article...

Anonymous Mladen said...
I seriously cannot believe that the Knicks can be so dumb...*facepalm*

The Null-Star game was awesome. I'm already looking forward to next year. Also, I too had Babbit picked as the Most Bawful Player, as soon as I saw the halftime report.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Damn you, Carmelo, for disrupting our Null-Star festivities! I might have to put you in next year's game and give you a DNP - Coach's Decision!!

For the record, I agree with this comment left on Youtube by snafuthai: "The first 55 seconds of the 2nd quarter are simply outstanding. Some of the most Bawful simulated basketball you will ever see." I have had to go back and rewatch that part like 4 times now it's so entertaining.

Stockton -- I'm sure that if we did an NBA D-League Null-Star game, Antoine Walker would have been the Most Bawful Player. His line would be like 1-28 from downtown.

Jonesy -- Good call. When creating the teams, it asked for coach names, but they never showed up in the game "broadcast." I DID choose Byron Scott for the East, and The Notorious VDN for the West.

Anonymous SportingLisbon said...
@Stockton, horrible, worst period in my beloved club 100plus years of awsome history, today an home loss to our biggest rival in Lisbon´s derby...

@kazam92, thats not a good bench, but Corey Brewer was a nice steal, at least he tries on D

man what a fu(kin BAWFULL draft pick Babbit was at nº16..Portland´s been playin a 6 man rotation and dude cant even help../Facepalming

Anonymous Stockton said...
#SportingLisbon
Sporting lost liedson, and the jazz lost Sloan...
both my loves are in deep $hit

Blogger AnacondaHL said...

Blogger Dan B. said...
Lin was on my list of lacktion leaders, but not lacktive enough to make the cut. Maybe he'll respond by giving us more trillions and make next year's Null-Star team, where shots of him bricking jumpers in NBA 2K11 can be made into an overly dramatic mixtape.

Anonymous Astrid said...
I wasn't sure New York defense could get any worse.

Thats...

*Bows her head*

Anonymous kazam92 said...
What no one notices is that the last foul stench of the Isiah era is gone with the tub of lard formerly known as Eddy Curry sent to Minny. Let's hope he doesn't infect Kevin Love.

Blogger chris said...

Blogger Jon-Michael said...
Was it just me, or was Forrest Whitaker playing power forward for the West Null-Stars?

Anonymous Stockton said...
Wouldn't be fun to throw Kobe and james on those teams?
How would the Mamba react to all that bawufulness?

Blogger senormedia said...
With the lockout next year and no NBA to watch, I think posting a bawful full season of Null-stars is called for.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I'm cheering for the Knicks to win it all now, if only to give Lebron a big soul-crushing taste of what he could have been, but wasn't. *evil laugh*

Blogger draftaraujo said...
This whole Melo situation just appeared to collection of armatures, first you have to call out Melo's team for even letting him sign a deal that lead into a new CBA, second you know are getting fleeced when KAHN gets you for a few million. And New York got schooled by Prokov who (im to lazy to find the quote) just added that last offer just to basically make New York pay as much as possible for Melo. And then you have the new york front office getting schooled by its owners, but then again, id rather been in New yorks situation, then the craptors situation :(

Blogger chris said...
Looks like Allen Iverson is forever alone:

http://bit.ly/go19pc

Anonymous Business Time said...
"What no one notices is that the last foul stench of the Isiah era is gone with the tub of lard formerly known as Eddy Curry sent to Minny."

Actually, if you believe what Woj wrote here, the Melo deal is basically the beginning of the Isiah era, round two.

Blogger The Weekly Gazelle said...
Holy crap, New York is a fucking disaster. And I know disasters - I'm in Christchurch (New Zealand) right now (and felt a decent aftershock as I write this).
Thanks NY for making me feel better.

Anonymous Nick Van Exel said...
Even when everyone is talking about the Melo trade, the clipper's bawful-ness still manages to get some attention.

"As special as Anthony is, he isn't James. He doesn't have the kind of game, leadership or charisma that can instantly transform a team. There's a reason Anthony's teams have been eliminated in the first round of the NBA playoffs six times in seven years, including once by the Clippers."

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/commentary/news/story?page=hill/110222

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I'm gonna say it, because it should be said, the Null-Star Game is nothing short of super fucking EPIC.

As for 'Melo, well, clearly the big market teams can bring in talent and the small market teams can lose it. I really don't know what else to say, other than I look forward to (read that: I hope) 'Melo and STAT failing together over the next three to four seasons...

...assuming Stoudemire's knees last that long.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
I really don't know what else to say, other than I look forward to (read that: I hope) 'Melo and STAT failing together over the next three to four seasons...

I look forward to them sniping at each other through the media when the excuse-making begins.

Anonymous Karc said...
Donnie Walsh should retire. All of that work to clear cap space completely ripped from under him by Dolan and Zeke. Yeah, get Carmelo when you have the chance, but this could implode very easily without a strong person in charge making rational, long-term decisions. And I don't see one in New York. I thought it would be Walsh, but he's clearly not in charge, and that's too bad.

Blogger Jon-Michael said...
Has anyone seen whether David Kahn has proclaimed Eddie Curry as "Manna from Heaven 2" yet?

Anonymous EuroGuy said...
To quote Bill Simmons:

@sportsguy33 It's just starting to dawn on me that Darko Milicic, Michael Beasley, Eddy Curry and Anthony Randolph are on the same team.

Blogger Will said...
That screen capture is sweet. It reminds me of an episode of the Ghostbusters where some ghosts took over some old GB uniforms and started terrorizing the firehouse. This really happened dammit.

Anonymous Adrià said...
Von Wafer for less bawful player. Impressive dunk. Stephen Graham played better than Melo at the All-Star Game, but with extreme ugliness.

Agreed on the Babbit award.

Loyalty is for sale. I love basketball... but I just don't find a sense rooting for any team if my favourite player is going to be a douchebag playing for another team tomorrow.

Blogger uqkobi said...
here's an idea, how about the null-offs, where the 16 worst teams go head to head in 7 game series, except the _losing_ team goes through to the next round. You could get your favourite console game to simulate the games. Do it during the playoffs ... That way we could crown the "Basketbawful World Champs" in June every year.

Anonymous Torgo said...
@ Everyone making fun of the Timberwolves

at worst the three million is going to be used to buy out Curry's contract for what is essentially at-cost, meaning it was basically Corey Brewer for Anthony Randolph. At best, there are rumors that Kahn and co. are attempting to flip Curry and some other assets (yes, they do have some of those) for some player who's not terrible. presumably a shooting guard. not that it will really matter, because Rambis' defensive system is an utter joke and for some horrible reason he demands the offense be run through Darko.

Although I loathe Kahn and most of what he's done, the one thing he's been quite good at is making trades (so far). Miller and Foye for the fifth overall, two seconds for Killer Beas and Anthony Randolph for Corey Brewer.

/serious post

the Null-Star game was cool, but I def. think Rambis should have been coach of the West. Just imagine Thabeet getting the ball every offensive possession, just to put up a weak hook shot eight feet from the bucket. the mere thought makes me moist.

Anonymous The Nightbringer said...
@Torgo

Hm, Rambis and Byron Scott played together right? Wow, that would make it even MORE awesome.

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Anonymous Mladen said...
If that stuff about Zeke running the Knicks from the shadows is true, I...I just...I mean...really...fuck. I'm getting shivers. I'm not a NY fan, but I wish this fate on no team. Not even the Lakers (okay, maybe a little).

Anonymous Barry said...
A special shout out to Quinton Ross, two time Null-Star, in both conferences!

That's dedication to the lacktion cause.

Blogger Will said...
Jimmy- Nah, I prefer to got to http://www.jimmynews.co.cc/

Anonymous Adrià said...
Another vote for the Null-offs!!

Anonymous dabong said...
Holy crap that video of the Raptors fan had me crying out of joy!

"No! Fuckin' Rudy Gay man!"

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