You thought Sunday night's All-Star game was the end of the All-Star festivities, didn't you? You were wrong. Oh, so bawfully wrong. What better way to celebrate President's Day than to hold the second annual Null-Star Game? (Hint: pretty much any other way is a better way to celebrate, but here we are.)
The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23ass-whuppin' victory in last year's game. The game was simulated in NBA 2K11 with five-minute quarters because referees threatened to walk out when we told them there'd be full-length quarters. Also, the only way we could lure fans was to offer a Ten Cent Beer Night, so we couldn't play too long, lest we see another riot. (Heaven help the poor bastard who hits Brian Scalabrine in the face with a beer. His championship ring will leave a mighty dent in your forehead.)
The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:
Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
1st Quarter:
2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:
3rd Quarter:
4th Quarter and Game Recap:
Box score:
And boom goes the dynamite.
The Eastern Conference Null-Stars earned home court advantage as a result of their 41-23
The rosters for this game were carefully chosen by reviewing the lacktion reports Chris has tracked all season, utilizing the highly advanced metrics of Marios, trillions, suck differentials, and Voskuhls. Here are your 2010-2011 Basketbawful Null-Stars:
Eastern Conference Null-Stars:
Starters:Western Conference Null-Stars:
Von Wafer, Celtics: 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 7 appearances with trillions for a combined total of 20.45 trillion, averaging 2.9 trillion per lacktive game. 5 suck differential games, for a total of +10.
Quinton Ross, Nyets: 3 Marios, averaging 24 seconds per Mario appearance. 4 suck differential games for a total of +11.
Jason Kapono, Sixers: 7 Marios, averaging 19.4 seconds per Mario apperance, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies.
Brian Scalabrine, Bulls: He's the Null-Star equivalent of Tim Duncan in this year's All-Star game, getting essentially the "lifetime achievement" spot. Yes, a lifetime achievement of towel-waving and contributing only on the rarest of occasions.
Joel Anthony, Heat: Total suck differential of +11, averaging +3.7 per lacktive appearance. 15 Voskuhls. Two triple zeros in one month.
Reserves:
Stephen Graham, Nyets: 4 suck differential games, +13 total, averaging +3.25.
Trevor Booker, Generals: 4 Marios, averaging 17 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. Combined trillion efforts of 7.5 trillion, averaging 3.75 trillion per lacktive game.
Johan Petro, Nyets: 14 Voskuhls
Sherron Collins, Bobcraps: 3 Marios, averaging 10.7 seconds, with 2 Super Mario Galaxies. 4 suck differential games.
Semih Erden, Celtics: +12 total suck differential, averaging +6 per lacktive game.
Hilton Armstrong, Generals: 3 Marios, 11 Voskuhls.
Ryan Hollins, Cadavers: 9 Voskuhls.
Starters:And now, enjoy BawfulTV's coverage of the game. Here's Kevin Harlan and Clark Kellog with the call, and Doris Burke reporting from the sidelines. I didn't believe it was possible, but I'm fairly certain this game was even more bawful than last year's game. Prepare yourself for blown dunks, an over-and-back violation, and the worst shooting in the history of organized basketball.
Ronnie Price, Jazz: A combined effort of 10.2 trillion in just two lacktive efforts, averaging a mighty 5.1 trillion per game. 5 suck differential games for a total of +10.
Quincy Pondexter, Hornets: 3 games with trillions, for a total of 7 trillion, averaging 2.33 trillion per game. 4 appearances with suck differentials.
Luke Babbitt, Blazers: 6 appearances with suck differentials, and one of the few Blazers with working legs.
Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson, Kings: 5 Marios. A total +10 suck differential, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game.
Hasheem Thabeet, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, and 12 Voskuhls.
Reserves:
Willie Warren, Clippers: 10 total trillion in just two lacktive appearances, averaging a staggering 5 trillion per appearance.
Dan Gadzuric, Warriors: A total suck differential of +10, averaging +3.3 per lacktive game. 10 Voskuhls.
Jarron Collins, Clippers: 5 games with trillions, combining for 12.1 total trillion, averaging 2.42 trillion per lacktive game.
Steve Novak, Spurs: 3 Marios. 3 games with trillion box score lines. Most Bawful Player from the 2010 Null-Star game.
Kyrylo Fesenko, Jazz: 5 suck differential games, with a league-leading 16 Voskuhls.
Sam Young, Grizzlies: 5 suck differential games, for a combined +14.
Brian Cardinal, Mavericks: Averaging 2.43 trillion per lacktive appearance, plus 5 games with suck differentials.
1st Quarter:
2nd Quarter and Halftime Show:
3rd Quarter:
4th Quarter and Game Recap:
Box score:
Shooting Zones:
Lacktion report:
For the East, Ryan Hollins racked up one personal foul in four minutes for a +1. For the West, Sam Young had 5 missed shots, 2 fouls, and 1 turnover for a stunning +7 while Kyrylo Fesenko cashed in for 2 trillion.
Most Bawful Player:
While Sam Young did rack up a mighty lot of failure in his 9 minutes on the court, I have to give the nod to Luke Babbitt. Though he did add 6 points, 2 boards, and a steal, he also went 1-13 from the field and absolutely destroyed his team's offensive flow on nearly every possession, shooting bad jumper after bad jumper early in the shot clock. His game-worst -27 further proves his status as the Most Bawful Player.
Noteworthy:
Von Wafer nearly destroyed the civilized world with a dunk that approached Chaos Dunk territory. It decapitated everyone within several yards of the basket, as captured in this striking image:
Labels: 2011 Null-Star Game, All-Star Game, lacktion, Null Star
52 Comments:
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My fantasy team just took a hit with Chandler, as NY's schedule is way better down the stretch. Atleast they didn't give up Fields, he is the awesome.
I think D'Antoni can handle not needing a bench. He has done it in the past.
Yay?
At least Bosh, Wade and LeBron all played different positions. As did KG, Pierce, and Allen. What's the word we use when you have two things that do exactly the same thing, and one is all you need, but you have two? Redundant. Just like that last sentence.
Anyway Carmelo is good, but one of these guys is going to have to start rebounding if this is going to work out. Ruh-roh.
Too bad some icons like THE Mario or 'Toine were not available :(((
How cool would it be to have a lockout next year, and the League replace the strikers by all those null-players (ala The Replacements)?
Imagine an NBA finals featuring Iverson, Antoine Walker, the returned Ostertag...
Hei, Sporting, life's not so good , he?
I enjoyed All-Star Weekend but this trumps it.
http://espn.go.com/blog/TrueHoop/post/_/id/25079/carmelo-a-knick-to-dream-on
"We got Carmelo, so wassup. So what is up. Just sayin'. We got Carmelo. Car-mel-o. We got Carmelo. Carmelo. Wassup. WassUP."
Ya. Sounds like a good person to quote in your article...
The Null-Star game was awesome. I'm already looking forward to next year. Also, I too had Babbit picked as the Most Bawful Player, as soon as I saw the halftime report.
For the record, I agree with this comment left on Youtube by snafuthai: "The first 55 seconds of the 2nd quarter are simply outstanding. Some of the most Bawful simulated basketball you will ever see." I have had to go back and rewatch that part like 4 times now it's so entertaining.
Stockton -- I'm sure that if we did an NBA D-League Null-Star game, Antoine Walker would have been the Most Bawful Player. His line would be like 1-28 from downtown.
Jonesy -- Good call. When creating the teams, it asked for coach names, but they never showed up in the game "broadcast." I DID choose Byron Scott for the East, and The Notorious VDN for the West.
@kazam92, thats not a good bench, but Corey Brewer was a nice steal, at least he tries on D
man what a fu(kin BAWFULL draft pick Babbit was at nº16..Portland´s been playin a 6 man rotation and dude cant even help../Facepalming
Sporting lost liedson, and the jazz lost Sloan...
both my loves are in deep $hit
Thats...
*Bows her head*
How would the Mamba react to all that bawufulness?
http://bit.ly/go19pc
Actually, if you believe what Woj wrote here, the Melo deal is basically the beginning of the Isiah era, round two.
Thanks NY for making me feel better.
"As special as Anthony is, he isn't James. He doesn't have the kind of game, leadership or charisma that can instantly transform a team. There's a reason Anthony's teams have been eliminated in the first round of the NBA playoffs six times in seven years, including once by the Clippers."
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/commentary/news/story?page=hill/110222
As for 'Melo, well, clearly the big market teams can bring in talent and the small market teams can lose it. I really don't know what else to say, other than I look forward to (read that: I hope) 'Melo and STAT failing together over the next three to four seasons...
...assuming Stoudemire's knees last that long.
I look forward to them sniping at each other through the media when the excuse-making begins.
@sportsguy33 It's just starting to dawn on me that Darko Milicic, Michael Beasley, Eddy Curry and Anthony Randolph are on the same team.
Agreed on the Babbit award.
Loyalty is for sale. I love basketball... but I just don't find a sense rooting for any team if my favourite player is going to be a douchebag playing for another team tomorrow.
at worst the three million is going to be used to buy out Curry's contract for what is essentially at-cost, meaning it was basically Corey Brewer for Anthony Randolph. At best, there are rumors that Kahn and co. are attempting to flip Curry and some other assets (yes, they do have some of those) for some player who's not terrible. presumably a shooting guard. not that it will really matter, because Rambis' defensive system is an utter joke and for some horrible reason he demands the offense be run through Darko.
Although I loathe Kahn and most of what he's done, the one thing he's been quite good at is making trades (so far). Miller and Foye for the fifth overall, two seconds for Killer Beas and Anthony Randolph for Corey Brewer.
/serious post
the Null-Star game was cool, but I def. think Rambis should have been coach of the West. Just imagine Thabeet getting the ball every offensive possession, just to put up a weak hook shot eight feet from the bucket. the mere thought makes me moist.
Hm, Rambis and Byron Scott played together right? Wow, that would make it even MORE awesome.
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That's dedication to the lacktion cause.
"No! Fuckin' Rudy Gay man!"