Damnit, Deng, stop trying to impress Jordan

After a sucky, stress-filled week, I was all set to return to writing BAD posts the other day. And then I woke up and felt a violent stabbing pain in my right eye. I somehow managed to scratch my cornea just opening my eyelids after waking up. Unbelievable. I'm fine now (already wearing my contact lenses again, in fact) thanks to the cornea being the fastest-healing part of the human body, but that's still just ridiculous. Not only was it extremely painful, but it felt like something some random NBA player would do to miss a game during the season so we could make fun of him.

Here is by far the most random thing I've seen all year: the NES game based on The Great Gatsby. Yes, you can play it online. Yes, it will hurt your brain. Because, naturally, reading the book makes me want to throw hats at butlers in an 8 bit game.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Bobcats Bulls Basketball
"I'm not facepalming! I have an itch!"

Bobcats Bulls Basketball
"Woah, what the hell? (squints eyes) Is MJ all up on Scottie Pippen??"

Nationally Televised Games:
Nuggets at Bucks, ESPN, 9pm: Behold: ESPN's Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine.. Do yourself a favor and read the comments from the WOTN post about it before your brain explodes.

All The Other Games:
Wizards Generals at Magic, 7pm: Well, so much for that. The Generals finally got their first road victory and no longer have to worry about being winless on the road all season. So this means they can totally give up and just mail in the rest of the season, right?

Heat at Craptors, 7pm: My prediction for the night: Dwyane Wade will try to throw a 90 foot alley oop lob for LeBron, only to lose his grip and hit the Craptors mascot in the head, sending him tumbling down a flight of stairs and face-first onto the court.

Nyets at Celtics, 7:30pm: Yes, the Celtics have taken down the Nyets 14 of their last 15 times at home. That being said, they still managed to lose to them last February even though that was one of the worst teams in the history of organized basketball. So I still feel a lump in my throat whenever I see this matchup.

Lakers at Cadavers, 7:30pm: The Lakers just got their asses handed to them by the Bobcraps. Stepping back in time just a few weeks, the Lakers handed the Cadavers one of the most brutal losses the league has ever seen. Footage of that game is the closest thing to a snuff film most people will ever see. So yeah, I'm not too worried about the Lakers' chances tonight.

Pacers at Pistons, 7:30pm: Good news, Detroit! It sounds like you're going to be finally getting that sweet Robocop statue. I'm kind of surprised they didn't opt for the Clarence Boddicker statue instead. He could have provided useful warning for anyone entering the town: "Bitches, leave!"

Hawks at Knicks, 7:30pm: Surprisingly interesting game. The last meeting between these two teams got a little chippy.

Also, per Will: "Man, Wally "The Arctic Pimp" has really fallen off the fucking face of the Earth hasn't he?"

Clippers at Timberwolves, 8pm: And (aside from the possibility of Blake Griffin destroying the world with a Barkley-style chaos dunk) this game is considerably less interesting.

Kings at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Where's that towel Donte Green was facepalming under the other night? I'd rather hide behind it than watch this game.

76ers at Rockets, 8:30pm: While going through the spreadsheet of lacktion stats Chris has compiled for this season, I noticed something: Jason Kapono has become a truly bawful player this season. Seven Marios already this year! After doing a little more digging, I saw his PER is 2.1 (which is somewhere between "legally deceased guy doing the Weekend at Bernie's routine" and "folding chair" on the PER reference guide), and he actually has a negative win shares value despite barely ever being on the floor. Impressive. And, unsurprisingly, there's a headline on ESPN Insider that says "Kapono could be out in Philly -- If he's not traded, a buyout could come." (I'd tell you more, but I don't subscribe to ESPN Insider.)

Warriors at Jazz, 9pm: I'd just like to point out something about the post-Jerry Sloan era: this is one of the very few times we haven't seen a dead coach bounce after a mid-season coaching change in a long while. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

Hornets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: In David Stern's latest apperance on Bill Simmons podcast (as recapped by Marc Stein here), we learned that some owners would not be opposed to contracting the Hornets. Considering how wildly the Hornets have flucuated from one extreme to the other this season, I can only assume this means whenever they hit another winning streak, team owners would suddenly be in favor of giving New Orleans a second team?

Also, ugly news for Blazers fans: "Consulting surgeon on Brandon Roy says he has 1-2 years left." Yes, his knee problems might really be that severe.

Labels: , , ,

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Cluster headache?

Blogger chris said...
LOL, incredible:


Shawn Bradley

Wilt Chamberlain once lamented that "nobody roots for Goliath." Which in turn begs the question: What happens when Goliath is 7 feet, 6 inches of gangly, sharp-elbowed awkwardness? Enter Shawn Bradley. Selected No. 2 overall in the 1993 NBA draft, Bradley was a reasonably competent professional center -- a more skilled version of Manute Bol minus the fantastic backstory and the charming penchant for 3-point shots.

Like Bol, Bradley was tall. Really tall. Height defined him both on the court and in a small, dusty corner of popular imagination's spare linen closet. (Why else would he be asked to join Muggsy Bogues in "Space Jam?") Bradley's exaggerated stature allowed him to make a nice living -- if he were 6-foot-7, he would have been lucky to play pro ball in Central America -- but also came at a cost. Specifically, it made him a carnival attraction. A dunk target. A man whose primary claim to fame was getting slammed on -- hard, repeatedly -- by a who's who of the league.

Tracy McGrady with the one-handed hammer. Jason Richardson with a memorable tip dunk. Shaquille O'Neal with too many to count. Stuffing the rock in Bradley's goofy craw was practically an NBA rite of passage; because Bradley could actually play (2,119 career blocks), doing so meant something. Indeed, Bradley was less dunk-contest prop than picture-perfect enabler, the posterizee in a league of posterizers, tragically born too soon for the coming of Blake Griffin. Sigh. Nobody roots for Goliath. Nobody rooted for Bradley, either. But without a big man to fell, does anyone care about David?

Blogger KHayes666 said...
If nobody rooted for Goliath then why did the whole world go apeshit when the Bears won Superbowl 20?

Da bears....lol

Blogger Andrei said...
Being a Blazers fan is a sad, sad existence. Upon reading the doctor's opinion that Roy doesn't have much time left in the NBA I became excited at the possibility that at least the Blazers could get a medical exemption and not have his contract count towards the salary cap.

Blogger eljpeman said...
As I write this, the Cadavers are leading the Lakers 91-83 with about 3:30 remaining in the game. The Cadavers are looking good to win the game before the All Star Break.

At the same time, I am hoping for some serious stat curse to befall the Cadavers for some pure bawfulness. Then again, the Lakers losing to Cleveland isn't a bad alternative as well.

Blogger stephanie g said...
What if Austin Carr came into work drunk? Could anyone tell?

Anonymous Jabari said...


Blogger draftaraujo said...
Lakers lose to the cadavers, im looking foward to tomorrows post!!!

Anonymous Karc said...
Here's what worries me - Gasol had 30-20 (which despite how often Kevin Love does it, is still beastly), Fisher actually scored 19, and the Lakers still lost to the Cavs.

No doubt, this is the most embarrasing loss for the Lakers since Gasol was there. If not for Kobe Bryant's air balls back in the early days against the Jazz, it's probably the most embarrassing loss that he's suffered as a Laker.

Yeah, this happened to Boston early, but that was a .500 team until LeBron bitch-slapped them to 26 losses in a row.

I have a very bad feeling that someone (not necessarily Kobe) dogged this game to send a message. The fallout, of course, will be quite the spectacle, because ESPN will suddenly look like geniuses for making up that Carmelo-for-Bynum trade rumor (which they did).

Outside of that, not really going to pile it on here. Everyone knows what happened. Lakers looked past an opponent they should have obliterated, and it costs them. Cavs may lose every other game this year, but this is their highlight. Lakers may very well win another ring, but this will definitely be their lowlight. Sh*t happens.

Anonymous The Other Chris said...
Guys Christmas came 10 months early this year!! Oh, glorious bawful.

Kobe Bryant finished with 17 points on 8-of-25 shooting.

What was that stat about them losing when Kobe takes 20+ shots? Something about "sucking my balls", I'm going with.


Anonymous EuroGuy said...
As a Lakers fan pointed out at the Silver Screen And Roll: "the cavs have the same number of wins against elite teams as the lakers.."

That's an amazing fact.

Anonymous Hajt said...
Amazing stat curse.

Anonymous Marc d. said...
Raps got jobbed by the refs tonight. A serious case of reverse home-cookin. You know, if Stern wasn't conspiring to make them great I wouldn't hate the Heat half as much. But I'd still hate them.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Give it up for the LOLakers!!

Anonymous Chip said...
I think Kevin Martin had something like 36 points without a freethrow. Does anyone know how to check the most points by a player without a freethrow? Is there a database I can look this up on?

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Just so you know, Sasha Vujacic totally could have scored 20-30 points last night against Boston if he felt like it. But because he's such a good teammate, he settled for 4 points on 2/9 shooting.

Blogger Gökhan said...

JJ falling once again. you know you suck when your teammates make fun of you.

Blogger Preveen said...
Dan : Not quite "I knew were were going to be a playoff team" but has to ranks right up there with the most epic of your stat curses. Early Stat Curse of the Year candidate?

Blogger winnetou said...
"bitches leave!"- let me seize this opportunity to link the fantastic "robocop villains" video.
The backstory is worth watching too.

Blogger Vasco said...
So yeah, I'm not too worried about the Lakers' chances tonight.

Hi hi hi

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Today's Laker game was one I'm glad to have missed. Looks like a bunch of the Laker players missed it as well. What a disaster. What a great way to go into All Star weekend being held here in Los Angeles...

Anonymous Stockton said...
Jazz heading for 10th spot...
Glad to see freedom from Sloan "Mubarak" set things straight...
But at least the Lakers lost!!!!!!!

Anonymous allison said...
Points without a free throw:

Blogger KHayes666 said...
As much as I laughed my ass off when I watched the ESPN scroll on my phone showing the Lakers losing, I'm not going to rip them too bad.

In essence they thought they could show up in the last 5 minutes and win the game....didn't work.

Meanwhile the Celtics did the same thing, only they pulled out the win.

Either way expecting to just show up and win is the worst thing you can do. Both the Celtics and Lakers have been guilty of this, and if at the end of the year they're looking up in the standings and having to go on the road to win the title, there's the reason why right there.

Blogger Dan B. said...
This is perhaps my greatest stat curse ever.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
While the Cadavers win should rightfully be the #1 story today, I just want to point out that the post-Sloan Jazz are still winless. And while Deron's offensive game was a bit better in this one, it came against the Gol_en State Warriors.

Blogger senormedia said...
When I had cancer surgery in 2002 they managed to scratch my cornea while taping my eyelids shut (no, I have no idea why they did that). Even the morphine drip didn't touch the cornea pain.

Links to this post:
Create a Link