It was delayed by Kobe Bryant Blog Day and a mad case of the Black Mamba Flu, but Basketbawful and Hardwood Paroxysm once again serve you a steaming plate of poo pie on an officially-licesned NBA platter. This week I's gots the East, and the Hardwood Boyees have gots the West.

The Miami Heat: With Wade out for the rest of the season, the offensive reins have been officially turned over to Ricky Davis. Which is kind of like hiring Michael Vick as your pet sitter.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So D-Wade is done. Well, they waited till just a little after when they knew they wouldn't make the playoffs.In December.

New York Knickerbockers: If you've watched even five minutes of any of the most recent Knicks games, you can tell that Isiah has officially stopped caring. Strangely enough, his newfound apathy hasn't had the slightest effect whatsoever on how the team is playing.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's been one year since Dolan extended Zeke. Does the phrase "Mission Accomplished" ring a bell for anybody else?

Milwaukee Bucks: This team now understands how real bucks feel when the hillbillies show up for hunting season armed with semi-automatic rifles and bazookas. In other words, it sucks when everybody else has more firepower than you do.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Yi's on the shelf, they couldn't defend against a Shriner's convention, and Michael Redd is still their superstar. I think it's safe to safe some retooling might be needed in the offseason. With a giant machete.

Charlotte Bobcats: They're coming off a five-game winning streak. That was a franchise-high, by the way. Which makes me think of that Haynes underwear commercial with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Michael Jordan, in which Cuba initiates a Three's Company-like misunderstanding by announcing loudly that he's wearing Jordan's underwear when, in reality, he's only wearing underwear that Jordan gave him as a gift. Am I the only one who thinks it's still pretty creepy that Michael Jordan gives his male friends decorated gift baskets full of underwear?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You ever think Jordan looks at the standings, sees his team has lost 40 freaking games and then throws up? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately then we know he takes a medicinal cocktail of money, bitches and hos.

Indiana Pacers: From the Pacers team page on Yahoo: "The more abuse Mike Dunleavy takes, the more damage he does." Funny, I don't remember that being the case when he was playing for Golden State. If it had been, he would have transformed directly into Larry Bird.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Pacers' front office recently stated that there was going to be a major overhaul of the system. My question: What system?

Chicago Bulls: Every time you think this team has hit rock bottom, they find a place that's rockier and bottomier. I mean, who expected "good guy" Chris Duhon to skip a shootaround AND trashtalk the punishment he received for missing it? Coach Jim Boylan recently said this season isn't a soap opera, and he was right. It's more like bad reality TV. I'm half-expecting John Paxson to sign Jonny Fairplay to a 10-day contract.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: When the combustible rookie with the stupid hair is your emotional leader? That's a bad sign, boys.

Atlanta Hawks: Hmm. I wonder what the English-to-Hawk translation is for "We suck." I'm thinking, "Kaw, kaw, kwee-wraaaaah!!"

Hardwood Paroxysm says: This team is essentially an underachieving .500 team. Which is better than previous years, where they were an overachieving .250 team.

New Jersey Nets: Well, I guess the "Devin Harris Honeymoon Period" is officially over. But hey, it was fun for the whole game it lasted.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: "Sure. We can make the playoffs. Why not? We're not doing anything else, anyway."

Philadelphia 76ers: Yeah, that whole "not dealing Andre Miller before the trade deadline" thing? Turns out it was a pretty good idea. Of course, if Billy King had still been the GM, Philly probably would have worked out a three-way deal with the Heat and Grizzlies to pick up Smush Parker and Kwame Brown. Comedy's loss is the Sixers' gain.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Someone want to tell these young whippersnappers that they're not supposed to make the playoffs for another two years?

Toronto Raptors: Chris Bosh is gone for a few games and suddenly Rasho Nesterovic is their best player?! I guess Gilbert Arenas was right when he said Jose Calderon didn’t deserve to be on the All-Star team.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: The Raptors without Chris Bosh is like Barenaked Ladies without the quirky pop-folk ditties!

Washington Wizards: Caron Butler is finally back, Gilbert's return is just around the corner, and they've got the best group of nicknames in the league: Agent Zero/Hibachi, The Black President, Tough Juice, The Locksmith, Mister 50, Big Oily, The Poet, The City, and The White Hole. The only thing that's missing is a team nickname. I suggest First Round Fodder. I further suggest they stamp it on their butt cheeks.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Here's a question. Does the Wizards' training staff have any actual training, or do they just play a lot of Operation in the offseason?

Cleveland Cavaliers: Seeing the Cavaliers play is like watching one of those old Bruce Lee movies where he takes on an entire village full of ninja masters by himself to avenge his uncle's death, dismemberment, and/or loss of honor. Unfortunately for LeBron, the NBA isn't like an old kung-fu flick...opposing players don't attack you one at a time by walking directly into your spin kicks and swinging nunchuka.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Never before has one man meant so much to one team of crappy role players who aren't even that good at their roles.

Orlando Magic: Their backcourt needs more support than a pair of 38-DD breasts on a 70-year-old. Okay. Got my boob reference out of the way. Phew, that was a close one.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Howard & Rashard & Hedo & Keyon & Second Round Elimination.

Detroit Pistons: Detroit has veteran savvy and championship pedigree, which is why dropping statement games to Boston -- their rival for Eastern Conference supremacy -- and Philadelphia -- the team they might meet in the first round of the playoffs -- means nothing to them. Which I'm guessing is why they went belly-up against the Heat and Cavs in the playoffs the last two years.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Detroit wins.

Boston Celtics: Forgetting about the Celtics is like forgetting to file your taxes. You’re really going to regret it come late April, early May...

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Boston wins more.

Labels: Powerless rankings