Maloofs? More like Aloofs! (rimshot)
Here's an absolute must-watch video: A Mike Bibby Wizards Generals Retrospective.




Best new Tumblr page? Sad Perk. Case in point:

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Not sure why, but Thibodeau's expression here is creeping me out

...Though not as much as this expression

Nationally Televised Games:
Knicks at Magic, NBA TV, 7pm: Funny what a difference trades can make. A month ago, this game is beyond irrelevant. Now it's relevant enough to be on national TV! Well, at least an optionally available channel if you get the right package from your cable/satellite provider. Assuming that provider even offers the channel. So, uh, that's nice. (Damn you, NBA-TV-having people.)

All The Other Games:
Warriors at Pacers, 7pm: That OT defeat versus the Suns marked the fourth loss in six games. Can we go ahead and call the death of the dead coach bounce?

Mavericks at 76ers, 7pm: According to Wojnarowski: "Agent Bob Myers tells Y! that clients T.J. Ford (Pacers) and Jason Kapono (Sixers) are 'both unlikely to be bought out.' Midnight deadline." How unfortunate. Kapono's Null-Star status should have gotten him a ticket to a better organization, right?

Also, Deadspin just posted this recreation of Mark Cuban's Twitter slap fight with Buzz Bissinger. Stunning.

Hornets at Craptors, 7pm: Meanwhile, we all have sort of accepted that the Hornets are fool's gold. That being said, ladies and gentlemen, the Toronto Craptors!

Pistons at Bucks, 8pm: Is anyone else as compelled by the absolutely ridiculous John Kuester saga in Detroit? We keep hearing these little tidbits, such as Rip Hamilton violently berating him in front of teammates, but there's no validation or proof of any claims either side is making. I anxiously await further developments because it seems like anything could happen next.

Lakers at Timberwolves, 8pm: The last game before Kevin Love's epic double-double streak? Against the Lakers. Revenge game time? (Not that it really matters for the final score, but moral victories, folks. Moral victories.)

Spurs at Grizzlies, 8pm: With Tony Parker on the shelf for a couple weeks, things could get interesting. Memphis is one of those up-and-down, unpredictable teams, and they're on one of their stretches of "we're good enough to make the playoffs!" basketball. Of course that's capable of switching to "we're the friggin' Grizzlies? Ughhhhhhhh!" at any point in time.

Rockets at Frail Blazers, 10pm: Did you know the Rockets have won five straight road games? Where the hell did they come from?

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Mark Cuban, Washington Wizards

Intro:
So the season has started again, with the typical actions of hardcore fans and GMs looking at their team schedules and spouting acronyms like SEGABABA and QQ since August (or since Mark Cuban started blogging about this concept, thus the QQ). When the Orlando game on 11/02 was postponed due to potential asbestos, I wondered if any team just got saved from a back-to-back (you know, after thinking about Dwight Howard going to bed hungry that night without feasting on the defenseless STAT and Mozgov), or how it would impact scheduling.

Since fatigue is something no popular advanced basketball statistic really accounts for, but we know has an impact on the game, let's get this down on paper once and for all. Introducing AnacondaHL's Unnecessarily Comprehensive and Overdue NBA 2010-11 Schedule Analysis. Let it be noted that I personally hate the term SEGABABA and it's unconsious implications of a toddler asking for Sonic the Hedgehog and a milk bottle, but due to aesthetic readibility considerations, I will be using it and "4in5" throughout the post.

Basics:

• 1230 games, between 2 teams (hurr durf)
  
• Teams will be on a SEGABABA 601 times, average 20 per team, range 16 to 23.
  
• 496 games will feature atleast 1 team on the SEGABABA.
  
• Teams will be on a 4in5 68 times.
  
• 64 games will feature atleast 1 team on a 4in5. More on this later.

So given the constraints, as well as a ton of local scheduling issues, the computer that churns out the schedule seems to do a good job. So far. But what about when viewed from the opponent's side? In other words, how many games does my team play against a team on their SEGABABA, especially when my team is rested? Things don't look as pretty...

Spreadsheet:
Yes you may open this without logging in. Click me now.

Sheet "All1230" shows every single game to be played this season:

• Columns A-F - Raw data.
  
• HH B2B - When the team's back to back are both home games. This only occurs 15 times out of the 601.
  
• VH B2B - When the team travels from Visiting team to Home. Note: I did not analyze Clippers or Lakers games with advanced rules, but considering that the Lakers are the only one with the league lowest 15 SEGABABAs anyways, the result would probably just make me sicker, so you do it if you want to know.
  
• HV B2B - When a team plays their SEGABABA on the road, first at home.
  
• VV B2B - Both games on the road.
  
• Any B2B - Adding them together, so games with both teams on a SEGABABA get the value 2.
  
• 4in5 - Here, I use the terms V, H, and VH for if the Visiting team, Home team, or both are on their 4in5.

Sheet "Team B2Bs" summarizes each team's schedule. It includes some colors by me to filter below and above average schedules by eye. A quick rundown on the abbreviations in addition to above:

• Only B2B - When the team is playing a SEGABABA against a rested opponent.
  
• OppB2B - Any time the opponent is on their SEGABABA
  
• OppOnly B2B - Any time the opponent is on their SEGABABA but the team is not. This is probably the column most of your are interested in.
  
• BothB2B - When both teams are on their SEGABABA. Ugh.
  
• Opp4in5 - Any time the opponent is on their 4in5
  
• OppOnly 4in5 - Essentially free wins.
  
• Both 4in5 - BasketBawful.
  
• 4in5 margin - Gift games given or stolen.

So here we see the NBA computers didn't do so well to make things even across the league. The Suns get hooked up with only playing 16 SEGABABAs, while facing 20 opponent SEGABABAs when rested. Gotta squeeze every last game outta Nash, eh Stern? [fake editor's note: Thanks Stern! -AHL] The Lakers story, however, features only 9 games of unrested opponents, and the poor Knicks schedule looks even worse, adding in some future asbestos game. You can also see the unbalance by looking at how many games your team plays in a SEGABABA and your opponent rested (by subtracting Both B2B from Any B2B), with the results shown in column "Only B2B". Here it looks like Minnesota gets the cake (7 games as the only team on SEGABABA) while Atlanta gets screwed (18 games).

OTOH, the schedule seems to balance out any advantages of playing 4in5 opponents by scheduling near equal 4in5s on the team, as shown by the 4in5 margin column. Only Philly and, again, the Knicks get screwed with 4 and 3 4in5s, respectively, without playing any 4in5 opponents, while Boston gets a bonus by having only 1 4in5 but playing 4 opponents on theirs.

Conclusion:
So we could spin and apply this analysis many ways. Maybe for betting interpretations, you know, if betting was legal. [/Simmons] Or maybe for fantasy sports, getting more games but checking out performance. But instead, I decided to highlight what I'll call the BasketBawful Sponsered Games of the Season, which comes down to the only 4 games featuring both teams finishing up 4in5s. Getcha popcorn, and calendars, ready.

• Tuesday, January 18th, 2011 @ 8:00 p.m. EST - Charlotte Bobcats vs Chicago Bulls
  
• Saturday, February 12th, 2011 @ 8:30 p.m. EST - Indiana Pacers vs Milwaukee Bucks
  
• Thursday, March 10th, 2011 @ 8:30 p.m. EST - New York Knicks vs Dallas Mavericks
  
• Saturday, April 9th, 2011 @ 8:30 p.m. EST - Cleveland Cavaliers vs Milwaukee Bucks

-AnacondaHL

Labels: Mark Cuban, QQ, schedules, SEGABABA

The WWE visited Dallas, and the humble and reclusive Mark Cuban was the guest host on "Monday Night Raw". Cuban was warmly greeted by fans, but not so much by the wrestlers. One wrestler quipped, "You are just like your basketball team. You are all talk. Don't you guys want to do something memorable in this arena, besides lose in the playoffs?" Truer words were never spoken.

After some not-so-light-hearted banter, Cuban would later referee a match. A longtime critic of sports officiating, Cuban the Ref is both biased and incapable of making a three-second call, which are some of the exact gripes he's had with NBA refs over the years.

Cuban would later receive payback from a juiced-up Rick Astley-lookalike named Sheamus. But not for pulling a Tim Donaghy in the earlier match. He just felt Cuban was full of himself, and he kind of hated him. No argument there.

Labels: Mark Cuban, schadenfreude, WWE

The Atlanta Hawks: It's a pretty sad commentary when the highlight of a team's second round playoff series is losing by only 10 points in the final match of a four-game sweep. It's like managing to hang on to part of your lower intestines while being eaten alive by wild dogs. In the face of their own postseason doom, the Dirty Birds shot 31 percent from the field (23-for-73) and 15 percent from downtown (2-for-13) while finishing with only 74 points. Included in those dreadful shooting stats were nine blown layups and 41 missed jumpers. And did I mention that Wally Szczerbiak got out and dunked on them. Yep. It happened. On the bright side, they did hit 26 of their 30 free throw attempts. But back to the less-than-bright side, they failed to capitalize on Cleveland's Shaqnopsis (the Crabs were 14-for-26 from the line) and an off shooting night for LeBron James (9-for-22, including 4-for-12 on jumpers and 2-for-7 on layups).

So the Hawks finish the 2009 playoffs with a 4-7 record. And they lost those seven games by the following margins: 15, 29, 28, 27, 20, 15 and 10. That's an average margin of defeat of nearly 21 points per loss. Their postseason point differential was -7.1, fifth-worst among playoff teams, ahead of only Philly (-7.7), Utah (-9.2), Detroit (-15.5) and New Orleans (-24.2). And you'll notice none of those other teams made it out of the first round.

Of course, Hawks coach Mike Woodson was quick with the excuses, which is what you do when you've got a job to hold onto. "It's hard to judge this team because we really weren't healthy in this series. We have to get better personnel-wise, but I couldn't be more proud of the guys than I am. We made some major strides this season."

Oh, I dunno, Mike. I personally think it's very easy to judge your team...


Al Horford: According to league statisticians, Big Al, sprained ankle and all, spent 19 minutes and one second on the court last night, but you hardly would have known it by watching the game. He finished with zero points and had as many fouls (3) and missed field goals (0-for-3) as rebounds. And two of those misses were air balls, by the way. By comparison, he made Zaza Pachulia (9 points, 6 boards) look like Wilt Chamberlain. Okay, that's overstating things a bit. Manut Bol, maybe? Oh, I forgot to mention that Horford was outrebounded 4-3 by this guy...

Mike Bibby: You know, I used to love this guy back when he was playing in Sacamento alongside Chris Webber and Vlade Divac. Now? I hate him. I mean, I loath him like he was a Laker. So, yeah, I get a little wood when the Bibster blows chunks. And last night, the chunks were extra chunky. Think "I shouldn't have downed that burrito as big as my head after doing 12 tequila shots." The line: 30 minutes, 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 1 turnover and 3 fouls. Not bad for a starting point guard...if your starting point guard is Eric Snow.

Mario West: How fitting that in his final game of the season -- and, who knows, maybe the final game of his career -- Mario ended up with a 35-second Mario during which he racked up a plus-minus score of zero. Dude is like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense"...he's there, but he's not.

Carmelo Anthony: Everything was going so well for the Nuggets. Up 3-0 in the series, ahead by 14 points (37-23) early in the second quarter of Game 4, the Mavs looked ready to call it a season...and then 'Melo did what my buddy Mister P calls "shooting a bear in the ass with a BB gun." Anthony got tangled up with Antoine Wright under the basket, and the officials called a loose ball foul on Wright. But that wasn't enough for 'Melo, who shoved the ball into Wright and threw an open-hand slap that kinda sorta glanced off of Antoine's shoulder.


Now see, that's the kind of thing that can light a fire under your opponent, especially when you pull that crap at their place. And that's exactly what happened. From that point forward, things got more than a little chippy: The next 34 minutes featured seven technical fouls and a couple flagrants. Things got so ugly that Carmelo's woman, LaLa Vazquez, had to be removed from the stands for her own safety. And, of course, extra security had to be positioned around Kenyon Martin's mom, Lydia Martin, due to her out-of-nowhere feud with Mark Cuban. (Of the Dallas crowd, Nuggets coach George Karl said: "I would probably use an uglier word than hostile, but I'm not going to do that right now.")

Anyway, when all was said and done, the Mavericks outscored the Nuggets by 16 the rest of the way to win 119-117 and live to die another day. And despite 'Melo's career playoff-high 41 points (15-for-29), you can't help but wonder how things might have gone if the dude had just been able to control himself.

Kenyon Martin: After Mavs owner and billionaire douchebag Mark Cuban accosted Martin's mom after Game 3 -- he told Kenyon's mom that her son was a thug and might also have called him a punk -- Martin said: "I don't feel I need to call his name in the media and all that, but it's a little personal. And I'm going to take care of it. ... [You] don't say nothing to my kids or my family. If you got something to say, say it to me. But I'm going to take care of it. I'm not going to do the whole media thing, back and forth. That's his thing. I'm more of a face-to-face type of dude."

So what did Kenyon "do" about it? Well, he fouled out in 33 minutes of lacktion, finishing with more fouls (6) than points (2), rebounds (2) and assists (1). That'll teach you, Mark Cuban! But wait, there's more. Martin got all tough with some Dallas fans too. According to Art Garcia of the NBA.com Playoff Blog (via Ball Don't Lie), Martin when all Ron Artest-lite on the crowd surrounding his mom during a second-quarter video review: "'You [expletive] better cut the [expletive],' he shouted, as team personnel tried to pull him back to the huddle. 'You're going to get [expletive] up.' Martin then said to his mother: 'Somebody do something to you, you better tell me. I'm going to [expletive] somebody up.'" Fortunately for the Nuggets, the NBA and the fans sitting around Kenyon's mom, Martin did not have to [word Kevin Garnett says on the Boston bench] anybody up.

Dirk Nowitzki, "please don't make me go home" machine: Connor Nolte of PassersRemorse.com pointed out: "After Game 4, Dirk said: 'We just didn't want to go home.' I'm pretty sure no one is going to argue with Dirk not wanting to go home to that insane lady. Dallas is the new favorite to win. Dirk definitely doesn't want to go home." I don't get it. Why wouldn't you want to go home when your criminal ex-fiance -- who might be preggers with your baby -- looks like this?


Officiating: If you read yesterday's comments section, then you know that Wild Yams is mad as hell about the state of officiating in the NBA, and he's not going to take it anymore! (I'm kidding. He's totally going to take it. But totally begrudgingly.) And his latest beef is with the way the calls were going down in the Nuggets-Mavs game: "The league has got to stop all these flagrant foul calls! Did anyone see the two flagrant fouls called near the end of the first half last night when JR Smith and Linas Kleiza drove to the basket? Neither one of those were flagrant at all. I don't even think they were even very hard fouls. What the hell are the refs doing calling everything flagrant these days? I know a lot of people are clamoring for the NBA to be consistent in its rulings, but honestly I don't care about that anymore. I'd be totally fine if they essentially admitted they'd been wrong recently and starting now you saw players able to foul the way they could during the regular season without worrying that they'll get called for flagrants for every little bit of contact. Also, did we really need for the game to stop last night for 5 minutes so the refs could review the video just because Melo shoved Wright to get him off of him? Whether he made contact with his head on that shove or not shouldn't be relevant: an open-handed shove is not a punch. The refs seem like they don't know how to call things anymore, and honestly I can't blame them. It seems nowadays like the league offices are changing the in-game calls (or worse, officially saying "they blew that call") after virtually every game. Can we just get back to playing basketball already?"

Lacktion report: Chris once again proves that lacktion is like a Hostess Twinkie: Whether or not you like its spongy, cream-filled goodness, it's always there...and always fresh.

Cavs-Hawks: The Dirty Birds met the fryer tonight, but not without putting up a fight through a majority of the game. Al Horford did his part by negating three boards and a steal in 19:01 with a trio of bricks and fouls and a turnover, earning a 4:3 Voskuhl. Maurice Evans bricked and fouled twice for a suck differential of +4 in 12:18. But in a clear example of a player showing the Association he is the world's best at a particular role, THE Mario West spent 35 seconds avoiding Donkey Kong's barrels one last time, to achieve his last Mario of the 2008-09 season (which somehow included a steal!).

Nuggets-Mavs: Even before the end of the game, Erick Dampier proved his non-worth to Mark Cuban with a painfully lengthy 22:54 stint -- where four boards, an assist, and a block were nowhere near enough to overcome a brick, five giveaways, and an Oden-style foulout! Yep, that's an 11:4 Voskuhl, THE worst ratio of the playoffs, and one of the most ghastly ratios in memory.

Luckily, Dirk Nowitzki more than made up for that mediocrity, allowing James Singleton to get back out there on the last play and be a human victory cigar! With the Mavs still alive, James's 1.4 trillion will no doubt help cover some of Mr. Cuban's legal bills.

And while George Karl's team did not end the series there, it wasn't for an absence of lacking it up, as Renaldo Balkman may have scored a late-game Super Mario Galaxy, according to ESPN (but not verified by any other source).

Insane fans: As reported yesterday, Glen "Big Baby" Davis got so freakin' excited over his game-winning jumper at the end of Game 4, he ended up shoving some fat kid who was standing courtside as he shambled his way back to the Boston bench. In a sane world, we all would have enjoyed a nice, hearty chuckle over the sweaty, flapping collision of porky flesh...that would have been that. But we don't live in a sane world. We live on a planet in which our millionaire basketball players are knocking up criminal woman-beasts and a man can't sit down on the toilet without having his penis bitten by a snake. So of course the kid's dad is getting all pissy. According to the Orlando Sentinel:

Ernest Provetti was standing beside his 12-year-old son Nicholas, sitting courtside, when the boy caught the backhand of an excited Davis. Davis scored the game-winning basket in the Boston Celtics' 95-94 Game 4 win against the Orlando Magic at Amway Arena.

Earlier today, he said he sent an e-mail to the NBA league office complaining about Davis' shove -- who many thought to be an accident.

In the e-mail, Provetti said Davis conducted himself like a "raging animal" with no regard for fans' personal safety.

"The NBA makes it clear to not cross the sideline," he said in a telephone interview. "If I cross that line, the NBA will take away my tickets. It's a double standard."

He said neither Boston or the NBA has responded. And he won't be waiting around for that call.

Sorry, Ernest. The NBA has a strict policy of not negotiating with crazy people. But if you take your wacko act to a local Starbucks, you might be able to intimidate the barista (which is pretentious for "coffee server") into a free vente diet triple frapachoco mocha whatever. Oh, and Ernest, here's some advice. Go to YouTube and to a search for "raging animal" sometime. You'll probably find several videos like this one, that will show you what a rampaging animal attack really looks like. And if that doesn't convince you, then here's a quick quiz that may help you to determine whether you have been the victim of a raging animal attack: Is there a pulpy blob of oozing flesh where the fat kid you brought to the basketball game with you was just standing? If the answer is yes...you just might have been victimized by one or more rampaging animal-monsters. Otherwise, you're a crazy, complaining twat.

Zach Randolph: Pablo sent in the link to this awesome "Where Will Amazing Happen This Year?" spoof that features Z-Bo and the worst possession in NBA history. Do yourself a favor and watch this baby seven times.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Kenyon Martin, Mark Cuban, Worst of the Night

Thanks to Ruben for today's picture.

The New Jersey Nets: Another night, another loss at home for the Nets, who are now 9-13 at the Izod Center. And the seldom-used Jerryd Bayless -- who's collected 20 DNP-CDs so far this season -- put them into the basketball-equivalent of the testicular claw by dropping in a career-high 23 points. A 30 percent shooter, Bayless went 6-for-9 from the floor and 11-for-11 fromt he line. Prior to last night, he had never scored more than 8 points in a game.

The Nets were actually in pretty good position to win the game until they got outscored 37-28 in the fourth quarter. Yeah. Defense: It's still pretty important. The loss was particularly bitter, coming as it did following a 32-point loss in Boston. Said Devin Harris: "It's frustrating. This is one we could have won and we let ourselves down in the end. It's tough defensively when we don't get stops and they get a high percentage of their shots to go in."

LeBrick James: His line -- 28 points, 14 rebounds and 7 assists -- looks pretty good...until you look a little more closely. King Crab also bricked 20 shots, clanked five free throws, and committed 8 turnovers. And let's talk about that 8-for-28 shooting. He missed four layups (three of which were blocked) and hit only three of his 16 jump shots. He also bricked his final 12 field goal attempts in regulation, including a 21-foot bailout shot that would have won it at the buzzer. (Thanks to Stephanie G. for the following graphic.)


On the subject of his shooting, broadcasters absolutely freak out when 'Bron nails an outside shot, but according to 82games.com, he's hitting only 41 percent of his outside shots compared to 74 percent of his inside attempts. So instead of crowding him, as the Bulls did for most of the game last night, wouldn't teams be better served to just back way off and let him fire away at will from the outside? Not only would that deny him the high-percentage chances he thrives off of, but it would help reduce the need for defenses to double-team and/or collapse him off of drives, which is how LeBron gets most of his assists (and how his teammates get most of their wide-open shots). I'm just sayin'...that's how I'd do it. And if he gets on a roll from outside, well, kudos to him. But the King and his Craboliers are much less dangerous when LeBron is jacking 'em up from distance.

Oh, and I guess you can kill all the Michael Jordan comparisons for a moment or too, since LeBron blamed his poor performance on his stuffy head and runny nose: "I absolutely had no lift tonight. Every time that happens, when I get sick, I miss layups -- layup after layup, things I usually make." So we finally know what can stop LeBron: The common cold. Just like those aliens in War of the Worlds! Wait...could James be part of the upcoming alien invasion?! Klaatu barada nikto, LeBron!

The Chicago Bulls: Big, huge, enormous win over the Cavs. No question about it. BUT...they needed a complete meltdown by LeBron and a couple "where did THOSE come from?!" threes from Luol Deng -- including one that bounced up five feet at least before dropping straight back down into the hoop -- to pull out an overtime win at home. (On the subject of Deng's two triples: He was only 4-for-13 from downtown this season coming into last night's game.) And the Cavs were without Zydrunas Ilgauskas (fractured left ankle), Ben Wallace (flu-like symptoms!) and Delonte West, who broke his right wrist in a collision with Derrick Rose in the first quarter. So give them credit for some scrappy play, but take note of the unusual circumstances.

Derrick Rose: I don't want to crack on the rookie too hard, since he had two huge three-point plays -- one with 4:50 left in regulation and another 52 seconds into overtime that gave the Bulls the lead for good. However, he also shot 6-for-20 and, even worse, he botched a chance to tie the game at 87 with 1:32 left...but bricked two free throws. And those misses could have cost his team the game.

The NBA Cares program: During last night's game, NBA Cares decided to highlight Larry Hughes' charitible work in the Chicago community, leaving the broadcast team in the uncomfortable position of having to explain why Big Shot Larry was rooted firmly to the Bulls bench. Thanks for everything you've done for Chicagoland, Larry. I hope you're as giving in the city you'll soon be traded to!

Reggie Miller, quote machine: I got the following email from Jeff R.: "Hey man, not sure if you caught the Cavs/Bulls last night, but Reggie Miller continued to baffle with his inability to speak English. Late in the game after LeBron beat Deng on a jump ball, he slipped retrieving the ball. They showed the replay and zoomed in on a two-foot long black skid mark Bron's shoe left on the floor. To which Reggie said: 'You can see the skid mark from his shoe calling the time out.' Now the Bulls did call a time out after LeBron fell and lost the ball, but it certainly wasn't LeBron's shoe or skid mark calling it." What can I say? I love Reggie Miller.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot scored five of his game-high 26 points in overtime to lead the 'Melo-less Nuggets to a win over the Shaq-less Suns. And he did it, apparently, despite a flu bug he's been fighting since...the end of December?! Said Billups: "Just trying to get through it. Once the game starts you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do." Uh, Chauncey, last time I checked, it's not normal for the flu to last more than two weeks. (But, according to one source, the "malaise" from the flu can "persist for more than two weeks.") I guess it just seems like Billups is being a little dramatic about being sick at a time of the year when pretty much everybody is suffering from flu-like symptoms. I'm sorry about the malaise, though, Chauncey.

Shaq: The Big Coffee Break had what Suns coach Terry Porter referred to as a "routine night off" and Robin Lopez (4 points, 2-for-5, 2 rebounds, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls in 22 minutes) didn't exactly fill his pretty pink tutu. His absence opened up the paint for Nene, who critically wounded the Suns with 17 points and 14 rebounds.

The Phoenix defense: In addition to Chauncey Billups' plague-ridden mastery and Nene's dominance in the paint, the Suns' D revived Linas Kleiza, who was 1-for-12 in his previous two games. Kleiza nailed his first five shots -- four of which were dunks -- and finished with 18 points on 8-for-11 shooting off the bench.

Terry Porter: I already mentioned Robin Lopez's 'bawful game. What I didn't mention was that Louis Amundson logged eight fewer minutes than Lopez but played much better: 6 points (2-for-3), 6 rebounds and 2 blocked shots. He even went 2-for-2 from the line! Which begs the following question: Why didn't Amundson start, and why didn't he get more PT than Lopez? At this point, Big Lou is the better player. How can Porter not see that?

Leandro Barbosa: This guy never fails to confound me. Some nights he's brilliant, some nights he plays like a special needs child. Last night was one of the latter occurences, as Leandro went 1-for-11.

Home cookin': It's reached the point where crying foul for the Suns earns people the "creepy leper" treatment. But really: Grant Hill was fouled on the final play of regulation and didn't get the call, putting a dirty cigarette butt into the skunky beer of a night in which the Nuggets enjoyed a 43-31 advantage at the line. Said Grant Hill: "Dahntay stuck his leg out and tripped me and I lost my balance. I ran into Nene at the same time. It was pretty obvious there was something there, but I guess the officials were scared to make that call. It's really disheartening for a team to go out and play hard as we did and it comes down to a play like that where an official has the right angle. He kind of swallowed his whistle."

The standard argument in these situations is that game-deciding calls aren't made in game-deciding moments. But it sure happened with Roger Mason the other night. Point is, a fouls is a foul is a foul. And they should be called equally at all times, not selectively based on the situation. And leastways, if anybody deserves some justice, it's Grant Hill. Hasn't the poor guy been through enough over the years?

Lacktion report: Looks like Chris got off easy last night...but a couple unfortunate players did not.

Blazers-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts is starting to become a rather predictable face in the lacktion report, throwing one brick for +1 in 3:40 of unproductivity for New Jersey.

Cavs-Bulls: Even in an overtime game, there's still room for fire flowers, fungi, and gold coins, as evidenced by the Crabaliers' Tarence Kinsey and his 19-second Mario.

Mark Cuban: This is a few days late, but, still...what a douche.


Kobe Bryant: Damn him for making me laugh against my will. (Thanks to Reef for the link.)

Labels: Chicago Bulls, daily Kobe, Lebron James, Mark Cuban, NBA Cares, New Jersey Nets, officiating, Phoenix Suns, Reggie Miller, Shaq, Terry Porter, Worst of the Night

By now, I'm sure you've read or heard about Josh Howard's "The Star Spangled Banner's going on right now and I don't celebrate that shit. I'm black." controversy. I haven't mentioned it thus far because a) it's pretty obvious stupid, even for this site, b) it edges into commentary on race relations, which I generally tend to shy away from, and c) this is America, and one of the founding principles of American life is each person's right to be as big of an idiot as he or she chooses to be. And without that principle, this site might not even exist. You know?

And besides, let's face it: This incident will follow the typical outrage-to-obscurity cycle that these situations always seem to adhere to. To wit:

Phase 1: Intense anger. Commentaries. Editorials. Blog posts about what it all means. Angry e-mails. Etc.

Phase 2: Loud grumbling.

Phase 3: Quiet grumbling.

Phase 4: Random serenades from boo birds that decrease in intensity throughout the upcoming season.

Phase 5: General forgetfulness, epitomized by even astute NBA fans saying, "Remember when Josh said that thing about the National Anthem? What was that again?"

Phase 6: People like me bring the situation up in Worst Evers-style articles and blog posts, or it gets rehashed after some other athlete says something inflammatory about the Anthem, or America, or the President, or whatever.

Sure, there are people who will always and forever hold that single thoughtless statement against Josh, but most people will eventually get over it, especially if he plays well. (Conversely, if he doesn't play well, the remark will be used as Exhibit B in The Case of Where Josh Howard Went Wrong...with his pot smoking admission being Exhibit A.)

Now, the wise and rational thing for the Mavericks organization to do would be to have Josh apologize, issue a few statements, and wait patiently for Phase 5. But if we've learned anything about Mark Cuban, he is rarely wise or rational. In fact, he's a bit of an idiot. (Or maybe more than a bit.) So, naturally, he responded to the strong anti-Josh Howard sentiment to be expected in Phase 1 of the outrage-to-obscurity cycle by posting some of the most vitriolic e-mails he had received about the situation on his blog. Oh, and he included the peoples' e-mail addresses too.

This is, of course, akin to a pre-schooler trying to get out of trouble for eating paste by pointing at the kid across the classroom who's beating someone up for their lunch money. "You think what Josh said was stupid and hateful? Look at what these people are saying!" But he took it a step further by posting e-mail addresses, pushing the people who had contacted him privately into the public spotlight in order to punish them. Great idea, Mark. Hey, why not post Josh's e-mail address while you're at it. Then people will be able to respond to him directly, just like anybody who reads your blog can now respond to the people who contacted you.

Mind you, the posting of those e-mails was preceded by the following statement: "Josh realizes his comments were wrong, he understands why people are upset. He knows he has made a mistake, has apologized and will work with us . Beyond that, its a private issue." A private issue, huh? So why draw even more attention to it with this blog post? And does Mark really retain the right to declare something private when he's attempting to very publically humilate others?

Who knows. Maybe, just maybe, it's not a question of Josh Howard's personal stupidity. Maybe it's a question of the Mavericks' organizational stupidity.

Labels: Josh Howard, Mark Cuban, stupidity

And now, Part 5 of this year's NBA Worsties. We've gotten through March now. Only three long months and several more reader nominations to go...

Dwyane Wade calls out...Reggie Miller?!: With the Heat sucking and D-Wade clearly not playing up to his pre-injury standards, Reggie suggested during a TNT broadcast that Wade was playing at about 60 percent capacity. This illicited unexpected rage from Pookie, who said: "Tell Reggie to meet me at the gym in Miami and see what percentage I am. We'll go from there. I'm not 100 (%), but I'm not 60." Sure, Dwyane. Because (as I said at the time) going one-on-one against a 40-something retired player whose body looks like a bunch of wire hangers covered in Saran Wrap is going to prove that how exactly?

Jason Kidd opens mouth, inserts foot: After scoring a season-high 21 points against the Kings, Kidd tried to explain why he doesn't score 20 every night: "My brain is wired differently I guess. Scorer's have more of a tunnel vision. Maybe I should get blinders like horses wear and be more of an 'I' guy, in a good way." However, Basketbawful reader flohtingpoint was quick to dispell the myth of Kidd's selfless non-shooting: "Riiiightt...as it stands right now, Jason 'Jumpshot' Kidd has more career three-point attempts (3962) than Mad Max (3931), Glen Rice (3896), The Rifleman (3370) and Dan Majerle (3798). If anything Jason needs to shoot alot LESS. The only person who launched more ill-advised shots over his career than Jason was 'Toine Walker." Update! According to Basketball-Reference.com, Kidd finished the 2007-08 season with 4,025 career three-point attempts...only 239 behind Antoine Walker!

Dirk Nowitzki and Erick Dampier do the Dance of Dumb: If you want to know why I haven't finished the Worsties yet, it's because I spend at least 17 hours of every day rewatching this video.


Kobe hits an old lady in the face with a towel: Sure, it was an accident and everything...but isn't it funny how so many of these "accidents" happen in Kobe's approximate vicinity?


Kobe fans take over Basketbawful for a day: And it will live on in infamy.

Kyle Korver plays -- giggle! -- defense: This was shameful. Truly shameful. But hey, at least he's dating twins...


The Heat's worst weekend ever: The weekend got off to a rough start with a 35-point home loss to the Golden State Warriors. Then, on Saturday night, they lost not once but twice to the Atlanta Hawks in a matter of hours. And I'm not even exaggerating. First, they replayed the last 51.9 seconds of the infamous "dispute game" and lost 114-111 (and since they lost this game 117-111 the first time, that means they lost the same game on two differenct occasions). Then they went out and lost their regularly scheduled game to the Hawks 97-94. So that's three losses in two nights, including one game they got to lose for the second time. That could be considered a four-loss weekend, which has to be some kind of NBA record. Yay team.

Joakim Noah loses touch with reality: I'm going to go ahead and assume that Joakim Noah was suffering from a serious headwound after the Chicago Bulls' 116-109 loss to the Detroit Pistons...at least that would explain his bizarre post-game comments, which were ridiculous in any and every context imaginable: "With our style of play, there's no reason we shouldn't have beaten that team. I think Detroit's a great team, but I still think we are better than them, really. I feel like we're a better team." Ooookay. I guess Joakim didn't learn very much in that extra year at college. No time for class. Too sleepy.

Chris Duhon puts the "Me" in "Team": C-Du was fined and suspended that Bulls loss to the Pistons I mentioned one paragraph ago for missing the team's morning shootaround. Now, you'd probably assume that a roleplayer who's trying desperately to cling to the remains of his NBA career would be at least somewhat humble and apologetic after an incident like this. But you'd be totally wrong. Said Duhon: "It wasn't my fault. I didn't get my wakeup call." Now there's a heaping helping of personal responsibility for you. But it didn't stop there. "I haven't been playing the last six or seven games," said Duhon, conveniently forgetting the 25 minutes he played the previous Friday night against the Celtics. "Ususally, I don't play anyway, so it doesn't have that much of an effect on me." Of course, Kirk Hinrich and Ben Gordan both picked up two fouls in the first six minutes of the Pistons game, and Thabo Sefolosha was still out with a strained left groin. In other words, the Bulls needed Duhon, but Duhon wasn't available. Of course, he was available to fly to North Carolina to watch Saturday night's Duke-North Carolina game, which didn't end until 11 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. And the daylight-saving time changover made the night an hour shorter. Duhon chartered a flight to Detroit, but he still got in pretty late, which, you know, might have made him a little sleepy. Keep in mind, though, it's still not his fault. He didn't get his wakeup call. And he hasn't been playing anyway. So get off his back. (Sidenote: He is going to fit in so well with the Knicks this season...)

Kiss fight!: Who would have seen this coming? I mean, a kiss fight during Washington Wizards television broadcasts? Oh yes. It started when Steve Buckhantz (play-by-play) kissed Phil Chenier (color commentator) on the arena's Kiss Cam during a game, and Phil responded by kissing Steve back during a pre-game segment. Here's the first kiss:


And here's Phil's insideous revenge kiss:


Mark Cuban wages a one-billionaire war on the great Blogging Menace: Cube Steak officially banned "bloggers" from the Mavericks' locker room. And in a move that was more ironic than having 10,000 spoons when all you need to kill Alanis Morissette with is a knife, the announcement was made on his blog. This was, of course, a response to the "Fire Avery Johnson" campaign. A petulant and immature response, but a response nonetheless. And it wasn't the first time Cuban pooped on bloggers. Why does Cuban hate bloggers so much, when he, himself, is a blogger? I can only assume it must be a sign of his own deep-rooted self-loathing. Or, I dunno, maybe he's just a big douche.

John Hollinger's stat wizardry: In his review of the Bulls/Cavs/Sonics trade, Hollinger made it seem as if Cleveland GM Danny Ferry was making off like some kind of cartoon bandit: "This one works, big time. Answer me this: Would you rather have Hughes (12.0 player efficiency rating) or Szczerbiak (16.0)? Brown (8.5) or West (10.1)? Marshall (8.5) or Wallace (12.1)? Gooden (12.8) or Smith (17.4)?"

I thought this assessment was a wee bit bogus, mostly because Hollinger fiddled somewhat with the comparisons. After all, juxtaposing the PER of Shannon Brown and Delonte West didn't seem particularly fair, considering that Brown had appeared - and briefly - in only 15 games while West had played in 35 and gotten more minutes. Furthermore, Marshall was a seldom-used reserve who had made a mere 11 cameo appearances for the Cavs, whereas Ben Wallace was a starter who had played 50 games at a rate of more than 32 minutes per. And wouldn't Wallace versus Drew Gooden had make a better one-for-one comparison anyway? I guess what I'm saying is that, at the time, if felt as though Hollinger arranged the player matchoffs so he could use his PER numbers to support his "Cleveland won this one" argument.

But here's a little post-script to Hollinger's "This one works, big time" declaration. Wally's PER plummetted from 15.7 to 10.3 while Larry Hughes' initially soared from 11.3 to 15.3 before eventually settling at 12.4. Oh, and Drew Gooden's PER went from 12.7 to 17.4 with the Bulls...which is much better than Wallace's 12.4 PER with the Cavs. So, based on these numbers, was Hollinger wrong, big time? Particularly since the move didn't really do much to improve the Cavs (or the Bulls for that matter)? PER is just another number, folks. And like any other stat, it only tells part of a much larger story. Sorry.

Basketbawful (gak) praises (vomit) Kobe Bryant: And it will live on in infamy.

Phoenix Suns bench flees in terror: Shaq goes running after a loose ball, and the Suns bench...well, I'd say they fled in terror like a bunch of little girls, but that would be an unfair insult to little girls everywhere.


Antoine Walker defies logic, refuses buyout: Kevin McHale may be an idiot, but he proved he wasn't stupid enough to pay Antoine Walker's for doing nothing. And 'Toine wasn't happy about it. "Obviously, they're rebuilding, and obviously I'm not in the future plans, so I felt like maybe there was an opportunity for me to leave. They wanted money back that I wasn't willing to give back. It didn't work out that way. We'll just have to play it out, six weeks, and then we'll see what happens in the summer." Walker, who was averaging 8 PPG on 36 percent shooting, was making $8.5 million for the season. He said that the team "low-balled" him, offering a buyout he felt was unreasonable and "ridiculous, actually." The only thing that would be ridiculous would be offering Walker anything more than cab fare and a swift boot to the butt.

The Clippers prove they are who we thought they were: First, they let Sam Cassell bully them into a buyout. Then they replaced Sam-I-Wasn't with...Smush Parker! Wooooow. Basketbawful reader Wild Yams, who drew my attention to the signing, uttered prophetic words when he said: "Are the Clippers trying to get Elton Brand to opt out this summer or something?"

Rafer Alston versus Sasha Vujacic: Near the end of the Rockets 104-92 win over the Los Angeles Lakers -- Houston's 22nd win in a row -- Rafer Alston went all NBA Street on Sasha Vujacic, Sasha hacked him for it, and Rafer responded by sticking a finger in Sasha's mug before getting restrained by a referee. It's kind of a shame that Alston had to transform back into Skip 2 My Lou at the tail end of his best game as a pro. It's also kind of a shame that Vujacic is such a douche.


Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor accuses Kevin Garnett of tanking: Sometimes the best way to draw attention away from your crappy stewardship of the crappy team your crappy GM assembled is to take a cheap shot at your former stuperstar player. That way you're not a bad judge of basketball talent, you're just an idiot. And boy oh boy did Taylor let his stuperosity take center stage when he suggested that Kevin Garnett laid down on the job last season. In responding to a reporter's suggestion that the T-Wolves had tanked last season, Taylor said: "I don't think that. I don't like that so much. I don't like that. It was more like KG tanked it (for missing the final five games of the regular season). I think the other guys still wanted to play. But it sure changed the team and didn't make us (as good)." Now, some people think that experts and fans baby Garnett, and maybe we do...to a degree. But in this case, I'm going to let KG's intensity and work ethic speak for themselves. I mean, Garnett missed only 23 games in 12 seasons as a Timberwolf. Dude straight up brought it.

T.J. Ford freaks the hell out: Looks like the Pacers landed a real "character guy" this summer...


Drew Gooden's ego goes crazy: After a 31-point, 16-rebound game -- Gooden's ninth double-double in the 16 games since he was traded to the Bulls -- Drew was asked whether he could keep it up. Said Gooden: ''Yes, I can. And I will continue to work to get better at it. This is something that's not new to me, but I've got to brush off some of the old tools and put them back into use. Because I have had a couple years [playing with LeBron James] where I was the guy that goes out, works hard and grabs rebounds and becomes a defender with offensive capabilities." In case you need a Gooden-to-English translation, that means playing with LeBron was holding him back, and not that it's easier to put up big numbers when you're on a lousy, lottery-bound team. But Gooden's mouth wasn't finished. Not by a long shot. "I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes." No, not done yet. There was more. ''I believe that I can do it all. And confidence is the number one factor when it comes to offense. I can score in the post; I can score with my back to the basket, face up.'' You go, Drew. I look forward to watching you win the MVP next season. Look out, NBA! (Sidenote: Gooden had 2 points on 0-for-5 shooting in his very next game.)

Dirk auditions for a broadcasting job: The best part is near the end, when he says "Short bus!" in response to a terrible shot.


Andrew Bogut high-fives himself: One truly is the lonliest number.


Shaq versus Pat Riley: Ever notice how often Shaq always gets in these little Quote Feuds with former coaches and teammates? The latest War of the Words came after Shaq made the following statement about his new home in the Valley of the Sun: "I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys. We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again." Of course, these comments only served to depress old Sad Sack Riley. "It's sad that he says those things. We shared so much here, together, for three years, good and bad, 3 1/2 years. I just think it's sad that he's got to do that." Sadder than making Shaq spend his golden years playing alongside Ricky Davis and Mark Blount? I don't think so, Riles. When told of Riley's response, The Big Expletive-slinger said, "I don't give a shit how he interpreted it." After being reminded that the reporters couldn't use that quote because he cussed, Shaq said, "Sure you can. You can quote me, brother. You can put an 's,' then the tic-tac-toe, the 'at' sign and then the other symbols." He may no longer be the MDE, but he is and will always be the MQE (Most Quotable Ever).

Chris Webber wimps out: Why did he finally decide to retire? In Webber's own words: "Rehab is so hard. So monotonous, so boring. I really didn't want to try to rehab and come back this season because I don't think that's possible." And doesn't that statement just sort of epitomize the most frustrating aspect of Webber's career? The idea that there was more there and he simply didn't have the heart and/or strength of will to make it happen. Maybe rehabbing the absolute living hell out of his knee wouldn't have changed anything, but mabye it would have...? But we'll never know. Just like we'll never know whether the 2001-02 Sacramento Kings might have won the title if only Webber wouldn't have gotten a case of the yips during all the close games. Sometimes playing The What If Game can be fun. But as it pertains to Webber and his career, it's just painful. And kind of depressing.

Labels: Antoine Walker, Dwyane Wade, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Kyle Korver, Mark Cuban, Miami Heat, NBA Worsties, Shaq

This is for you, James. There were only three games, so there's not much meat. But here goes...

The Nuggets' first-half defense: Personally? I think 70 points is a lot to surrender in one half, no matter how efficiently it was given up.

The Mavericks' second-half offense: After a 70-point first half, Dallas scored only 35 in the second, mostly due to forced shots and careless passing. But that's what Denver does to you. They lure you into rushing up the first open shot you get and flinging the ball around haphazardly. And the Mavs did a swan dive right into the trap. They're now only one game ahead of the Nuggets in the Western Conference playoff race. And they should be really worried about that.

Mark Cuban: The NBA finally stepped in and ended Cuban's one-billionaire war against the blogging menace. Never one to be shown up, Cuban has officially opened up the Dallas locker room to everybody. And I really do mean everybody. "We will encourage all bloggers to apply [for press credentials], whether they be someone on blogspot who has been posting for a couple weeks, kids blogging for their middle school Web site or those that work for big companies. We won't discriminate at all." Oh, that Mark Cuban is so wiley and clever! I bet...wait, whooOOOPPS!! Sorry. I just slipped on a banana peel and fell face-first into a cream pie. Or at least that's how it feels.

Eddie Jones: The wiley veteran has almost disappeared completely from Avery Johnson's rotation, despite the absence of Dirk Nowitzki. Last night he played just under two minutes, missed both his shots, and ended the night with zero points and 1 personal foul. I bet he's sooooo glad he signed with the Mavericks in the off-season.

Chucky Atkins and Yakhouba Diawara: Chucky earned a one trillion and Yakhwhatever played only 19 seconds. Ah, sweet garbage time. Nene also scored a trillion, but it was his first game back from having a testicle removed. Ergo, I'm gonna cut him some slack.

Miami Heat: I know they're tankin...I mean, they've suffered a lot of injuries. But scoring only 69 points on 35 percent shooting will get any team mentioned here, regardless of the circumstances. Thank Zeus they didn't show this one on TNT...

Greg Oden: Greg, Greg, Greg...when a professional basketball team makes a huge, long-term investment in your body, and that body gets injured before you play even a single game for them, and they're waiting patiently for your return and diligently monitoring your health care because you are The Future of the franchise, it's a bad idea to sneak around behind their backs so you can play a few games of pickup hoops at a local gym. You do get that, right?

Portland Trail Blazers: I certainly understand why the Blazers got all huffy about Oden's little pickup foray, but they didn't have to make their hang-wringing hissy fit quite so public did they? It just seems like something they could have handled quietly behind closed doors and been done with. Now everybody's talking about it, and Portland coach Nate McMillan is complaining to the press, etc. Oden's young, and he hardly needs all the negative publicity over something that, frankly, is pretty innocent. A behind-the-scenes rebuke and a bunch of "no comments" from everyone in the organization probably would have been a better way to handle the whole thing. And hey, maybe the team could have used the situation as leverage to make sure Greg never, ever cuts another mohawk into his head.

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Greg Oden, Mark Cuban, Miami Heat, Portland Trail Blazers, role-players, veterans

[Hat tip to Basketbawful reader Anne.]

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, man love, Mark Cuban, Steve Nash

Labels: dancing, Mark Cuban

"The Big Elvis" in action.

I guess you can add "The Big Divor-say" to Shaq's seemingly endless list of nicknames. The Miami Heat center has officially slam-dunked his five-year marriage to wife Shaunie, with whom he shares four presumably giant children. To help celebrate his newfound freedom from marital bliss, here's a list of Shaq's best nicknames.

Editor's Note: When discussing the all-time worst nicknames, I stated that Baron Davis holds the world's record for most nicknames with seven. I stick by that claim, since most of Shaq's nicknames were self-invented and thus don't count.

1. Shaq: This nickname has been used so universally for so long that some people actually don't know that "Shaq" is short for his given name of Shaquille, which is Arabic for "Little Warrior."

2. Superman: Shaq is obsessed with the Man of Steel. He has a Superman tattoo on his arm, a Superman logo on several of his cars, a logo etched onto a leather jacket, and he can often be seen wearing Superman t-shirts, necklaces, and other paraphernalia. He even starred in Steel, a crappy movie about a man who was himself a cheap Superman knockoff. The dude flat out wants to be Superman. Sure it's crazy, but are you gonna tell him "no"?

3. Diesel: Also spoken as "Shaq Diesel." This nickname supposedly indicates that he has the power and endurance of a diesel engine. Or maybe it's because of the weird burning smell that follows him everywhere.

4. Daddy: Also spoken as "Shaq Daddy" and "The Big Daddy." Although he's estranged from his biological father, Shaq is extremely close to his step-father Phillip Harrison (whom O'Neal credits for making him the monstrous, hulking man he is today). Shaq himself has fathered five children and likes to act as a sort of big brother/father figure to his younger teammates.

5. M.D.E (Most Dominant Ever): Shaq began referring to himself as the M.D.E. after leading the Lakers to three straight NBA titles from 2000 to 2002. Despite missing a slew of games during those years and of course being very fat, Shaq was virtually unstoppable in the playoffs and especially the Finals (where he averaged close to 40 PPG). People use this nickname to mock him now, but back then it was pretty hard to argue against it.

6. The Big [Whatever]: Shaq loves giving himself new nicknames that begin with "The Big" and end with a grandiose reference, usually to some other famous person or thing. These nicknames have included the "The Big Aristotle" (as a reference to the consistent greatness that won him the 2000 NBA MVP) , "The Big Maravich" (for making nine free throws in a row against the Portland Trailblazers in the playoffs), "The Big Felon" (for making a game-saving steal against the Orlando Magic), "The Big IPO" (because his stock was way, way up), and "The Big Baryshnikov" (comparing his low post moves to the dance work of famous Russian ballet artist Mikhail Baryshnikov).

Basketbawful Fun Fact: Elgin Baylor sarcastically referred to Wilt Chamberlain as "The Big Musty" because the huge center rarely showered or washed his uniform. It is unknown whether that nickname influenced Shaq, or whether Shaq himself takes showers.

7. L.C.L. (Last Center Left): One of Shaq's biggest complaints -- and there are many -- is how the center position has been almost totally redefined. Instead of huge, indomitable pivot-men, today's NBA centers are smaller, faster, and more "versatile" (i.e., they shoot threes instead of posting up strong and taking it to hoop). For this reason, Shaq feels that he is the last true center in the NBA, and perhaps the world (that sound you just heard was Yao Ming's heart breaking).

8. Wilt Chamberneazy: This nickname was coined by former teammate Kobe Bryant as a sort of homage/comparison to Wilt Chamberlain. Shaq considers it his favorite nickname and even had it printed on his baseball cap.

9. Doctor Shaq: This nickname was invented in 2005 as a way to dis Andrew Bynum, Shaq's "replacement" on the Lakers. Bynum claimed that he was similar to Shaq, except that he made his freethrows. Never one to take insults lightly, Shaq responded thus: "Tell him Shaq doesn't respond to juvenile delinquents without a college degree. Tell him to get his degree and we can talk. In the meantime, he should call me Dr. Shaq because I'm working on my PhD." Shaq originally stated that he was going to earn his doctorate in "either criminology or art history," but instead opted to accept honorary degrees in Shaq-Fu and Kazaamology.

10. Shaq Albert: Back in 2003, Mark Cuban tried to give his Dallas Mavericks an edge over the Lakers by playing a specially prepared cartoon on the team's jumbotron during a timeout. The cartoon depicted Shaq's face on the body of cartoon character Fat Albert and was accompanied by a voiceover that criedout, "Hey, hey, hey, I'm Shaq Albert!" Instead of killing Cuban with one clubbing blow, Shaq laughed until he was doubled over. Which obviously was hard for someone as fat as he was.

11. The Big Deporter: (This should be included in number 6, but it deserved its own entry.) In 2000, after eliminating Arvydas Sabonis and Rik Smits from the playoffs, Shaq dubbed himself "The Big Deporter" (both players were outspoken about returning to their native countries after getting eliminated).

12: Osama Bin Shaq: Shaq gave himself this nickname "for terrorizing Keith Van Horn under the boards" during the 2002 NBA Finals.

13. The Big Banana: (Again, this one deserved its own entry) After getting gangbanged with criticism for his "Osama Bin Shaq" nickname, Shaq renamed himself "The Big Banana" because "I peel the life out of the Nets."

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Kobe Bryant, Mark Cuban, Miami Heat, nicknames, Shaq

Mark Cuban Rule (mark kyoo'-bun rool) noun. The informal name for legislation enacted by the NBA to regulate the behavior of team owners at games. The act requires owners to refrain from entering the court, taunting players or officials, and maintain a level of decorum mandated by the league.

Usage example: From Truehoop: "A month after he shut down the bidding and decided to keep the team, the NBA Board of Governors passed the "Mark Cuban Rule," meant to keep team owners off the bench, out of the huddle, and out of the referees' ears."

Word History: This term, and other variations (such as The Cuban Corollary), were coined simultaneously by various writers and bloggers after the act was passed in October of 2006. David Stern and the NBA Board of Governors decided that the act was necessary in part because Cuban had already accumulated $1,665,000 in fines through June, 2006. But more importantly, Cuban's behavior during the NBA Finals -- the league's brightest and most public stage -- was considered to be a major embarrassment.

[Hat Tip: Thanks to Henry Abbott for the reminder.]

Thanks to the Mark Cuban Rule,Mark Cuban can't do this anymore.

Labels: David Stern, Mark Cuban, Word of the Day