As the poet / philosopher duo Matt Stone and Trey Parker once wrote: Freedom isn't free. No, there's a hefty fucking fee. And if you don't throw in your buck oh five, who will?

The NBA equivalent to the $1.05 they were talking about is practicing free throws. Some guys like Ray Allen do it. Others...don't. Here are my personal picks for the worst of the "don'ts."

The Winner: Chris Dudley

Christen Guilford Dudley once said: "So I wasn't good at free throws. Neither is Shaq. So really, you could describe my game as Shaq-esque." Based on how Shaq treated Dudley when they played against each other, it's probably a good thing Chris uttered this quote after retirement.

Dudley's career free throw percentage of 45.8 isn't the lowest among the players in this list. So why does Dudders rank first among my worsts? It's not simply because he 817 of 1,508 freebies over his (gulp!) 15-year career. What sets Dudley apart are some of his dubious fouls shooting accomplishments.

For instance, according to his NBA.com bio: "On April 14, 1990, he missed 17 of 18 free throws in a 124-113 loss to the Indiana Pacers. In that game he broke Wilt Chamberlain s NBA record by missing 13 straight free throws, one of them an airball. Dudley wound up with a league-worst .319 free-throw percentage."

Yep: 1-for-18 with 13 consecutive misses. Here's the box score.

But you know what? When that most bawful of charity stripe performances happened, it was only the second-worst free throw shooting moment of Dudley's career. From SportCenter's This Day In Sports:

January 29, 1989 — Cavs center Chris Dudley stepped to the free throw line and did something no one in the NBA had ever done. And that wasn't a good thing. Dudley, a celebrated defender, rebounder and shot-blocker, was a somewhat below-average free throw shooter. OK, he was a somewhat awful free throw shooter, with a career average of 45.8 percent, which is better than Ben Wallace but worse than Shaq. But in a January game against the Washington Bullets, he took poor free throw shooting to a new level.

Dudley got fouled, stepped to the line and missed both shots. NBD. But the ref called a lane violation on a Bullets guard, so Dudley shot a third. Which he missed. Another lane violation (this one by Bullets center Dave Feitl) brought another attempt and another miss (that's four for those counting at home). Amazingly, Feitl was called for another lane violation. And amazingly, Dudley missed his fifth and final (of the series) free throw attempt, becoming the first player to miss five free throws in one trip.

The bottom line is that when Dudley went to the line, the results were like jamming your hand into a running blender. You knew something bad was going to happen, but the variations of horror were nearly limitless.

The Runners Up: Ben Wallace, Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain

How did Big Ben miss out on the top spot? Well, for starters, he actually made significant non-foul shooting contributions to a Pistons team that made two NBA Finals and won a title. He also doesn't hold the two amazing records Dudley has.

Still, Ben earning top Worst Evers honors wouldn't have been a traveshamockery. After all, his lifetime FT% of 41.7 was accomplished by missing 1,501 of his 2,575 career FT attempts. It got to the point where NBA arenas started seriously considering handing out crash helmets and safety goggles to every fan sitting in the 100 level seats when Wallace came to town just to reduce their liability.

To top things off, here's a snippet from a Worst of the Night post I published in March:

When last we saw Big Ben, he was going 1-for-9 from the free throw line, which included consecutive airballs. Last night, he went 0-for-5. But it's even worse than that.

With just over a minute left, Paul Pierce seemingly committed a foul on Pistons rookie Jonas Jerebko. Only the Celtics bitched and bitched until the refs sent Wallace to the line instead. He missed them both, obviously, and then left the game almost immediately with a "knee injury" (it's a shame he didn't claim flu-like symptoms.)

Wallace is now 2-for-20 from the line in Detroit's last five games. And opposing coaches have gone to the Hack-a-Ben strategy twice during that stretch.

Said Pistons coach John Kuester: "Ben has been in this league for a long time, and he knows that he has to work his way out of this. It's certainly not a question of effort -- he's the first one in the gym and the last one out. He hits 70 percent in practice, but he's got to go to the line and make them in the games."

I love it. First one to the gym and the last one out. I swear, every player is described like that these days. Guy must never leave practice. I hope Detroit's practice facility is filled with cots.

Okay, I lied about topping things off. Here's Big Ben airballing consecutive freebies...with the game on the line:


Click here for a funnier fan-made video of those misses.

Then there's Shaq. His career FT% of 52.7 seems almost ridiculously high compared to Dudley and Wallace. But he's sure got them in sheer volume. The Big Clanky has missed an astounding 5,259 foul shots (out of 11,121 attempts) in his 18 NBA seasons. That's more than most players ever get to take. For example, Shaq's former teammate Derek Fisher has only 2,200 career FTAs despite playing 1,028 games over 15 seasons. At this rate, Fish will retire having attempted fewer than half of the foul shots Shaq missed.

Shaq's inability to convert freebies have us one of the great quotes -- not to mention one of the greatest fallacies -- in NBA history:

"I don't care about my [free throw shooting] percentages. I keep telling everyone that I make them when they count." - Shaquille O'Neal, in post-game interviews recorded by WOAI-TV on November 7, 2003

Yeah, right. Try to ask the 2007-08 Phoenix Suns whether Shaq hits them when they count without getting punched in the groin.

In a larger sense, The Big Misfire's inaccuracy at the line gave us the immortal Hack-a-Shaq strategy. Not only is it memorable, it can (and has been) transferred to other lousy foul shooters: Hack-a-Bowen, Hack-a-Dwight, Hack-a-Ben, etc.

Last but never, ever least, we have Wilt Chamberlain. Everything about this man was larger-than-life. Everybody knows about the 100-point and how he averaged 50 PPG during the 1961-62 season. And then there's the claim that he shagged 20,000 women. What people don't know is that, while he was still in the NBA, Wilt tried to miss one free throw for every woman he violated with what we have to assume was an enormous and terrifying penis.

The Big Dipper ranks second all-time in free throws attempted with 11,862. (Karl Malone is the all-time leader with 13,188, but he played four more seasons than The Stilt.) Unfortunately, Chamberlain ranks only 14th in free throws made with 6,057.

For those of you who enjoy simple math, that means Wilt had 5,805 clanks in 14 seasons. This means that even though he's played four more seasons than Wilt did, Shaq is still almost 600 missed FTs behind Chamberlain. Ouch.

Speaking of ouch, Wilt was such a turrible foul shooter that Chamberlain -- a true giant of a man -- was often forced to run away from players who were trying to intentionally foul him. And the NBA had to institute rules changes because of it:

Chamberlain was such a great player and dominant force that he would be certain to be on the floor in late-game situations if the score was close. However, he was such a poor free throw shooter (51% over his career) that if the opposition needed to employ intentional fouling late in the game, Chamberlain would always be that team's target. Just as the opposition was eager to send Chamberlain to the free throw line because of his ineptitude there, Chamberlain himself was reluctant to go for that same reason. This led to the spectacle of virtually an entire other contest being held away from the ball and almost completely outside of the basketball game being played, as Chamberlain essentially played a de facto game of tag with defenders, attempting to run from and dodge them as they chased him trying to foul him.

The NBA decided to address this undesirable situation by instituting a new rule regarding off-the-ball fouls—that is, committing a personal foul against an offensive player who neither has the ball nor is making an effort to obtain it. The new rule stated that if the defensive team commits an off-the-ball foul within the last two minutes of the game, the offensive team would be allowed to keep possession of the ball after the awarding of either one or two free throws. Since the entire reason for employing intentional fouling as a strategy was to quickly terminate the offensive team's possession, this new rule, when in effect, forced the team using intentional fouling to foul only the offensive player who had the ball. This brought an end to the need for Chamberlain, or any other poor free throw shooter, to play "hide and seek" with opposing defenders in intentional fouling situations.

"The reason they have that rule is that fouling someone off-the-ball looks foolish...Some of the funniest things I ever saw were players that used to chase [Wilt Chamberlain] like it was hide-and-seek. Wilt would run away from people, and the league changed the rule based on how silly that looked." - Pat Riley

So Wilt couldn't hit his freebies...so what? Chicks dug him.

Labels: Ben Wallace, Chris Dudley, Shaq, Wilt Chamberlain, Worst Evers

Because sometimes one basketball just isn't enough...
In looking forward to the Gay-Iverson-Mayo-Randolph Era in Memphis, I decided to write about some of the worst APG teams in NBA history. I used a few crude rules in my research. First, pre-shot clock era teams were immediately disqualified. Second, I began my stat search with the 1967-68 season, which is the first year the NBA used an 82-game season. And for that reason, all 1998-99 teams were disqualified because that season was shortened to 50 games due to the player strike...and the level of play was generally pretty sucky that season.

It's worth noting, however, that the 1998-99 Hawks (15.6 APG) and Clippers (16.4 APG) ranked first and second all-time in lowest APG during the shot clock era. So, if nothing else, they deserve dishonorable mention. It's also worth noting all stats came from Basketball-Reference.com.

1. 1976-77 New York Nets: This team averaged 17.3 APG during a season in which the league average was 23.9 APG. The Nets went 22-60, which was the worst record in the league by eight games. (The Milwaukee Bucks finished 30-52). Not surprisingly, they were the worst scoring team in the NBA at 95.9 PPG. (The league average was 106.5 PPG). Even less surprisingly, they were also the worst shooting team in the league at .429 (versus the league average of .465).

Update! Trev wrote: "The 1976-77 Nets where a special kind of bad because they are also the only team on the list to average more turnovers than assists with 19.9 per game. Good god did that team have Emeka Okafor and Yinka Dare's grandfathers running the point or something? No. Just Hall of Famer Tiny Archibald! (Well at least for 34 games)."

2. 2008-09 Memphis Grizzlies: That's right! Last year's Griz ranked second-worst all-time based on my criteria! Good times are coming, my friends. They are coming. Anyway, the Grizzlies averaged 17.4 APG, 93.9 PPG, and shot .454 from the field. The league averages were 20.9 APG, 100.0 PPG and .459. Note that they shot about the league average but were still by far the worst team in terms of APG. Oddly enough, the second-worst APG team last season was...the Orlando Magic at 19.4 APG. However, the Magic finished with 59 wins and the Grizzlies had only 24.

3. 2005-06 New York Knicks: And Isiah Thomas finally rears his ugly head. Although he "only" put this squad together. Larry Brown coached it (against the will of his players of course). Stephon Marbury led these Knicks with 6.3 of their 17.9 APG. The team also featured other noted non-passers such as Eddy Curry, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson and Quentin Richardson. (At 23-59, they finished with the league's second-worst record (to the 21-61 Portland Trail Blazers). For the record, the league average in APG that season was 20.6. Here's the crazy part: the 05-06 Knicks were the 12th best shooting team in the league (.455).

4. 1999-00 Los Angeles Clippers: No "Worst Evers" list would be complete without a mention of the Clippers, right? These Clips dished out 18.0 APG during a season in which the average team was dishing out 22.3. They were the second-worst (to the dreadful post-Jordan Bulls) scoring team (92.0), the third-worst shooting team (.426), and they had the worst record (15-67). They truly were who we thought they were.

5. 1989-90 New Jersey Nets: Speaking of teams who are who we thought they were...the 89-90 Nets also averaged 18.0 APG when the league average was 24.9. That's right. These Nets had almost seven fewer APG than an "average" team. This fact looks even worse when you consider that they were the eighth-best shooting team in the league that season (.485). At 17-65, they were even worse than the expansion Heat (18-64), Magic (18-64), Hornets (19-63), and Timberwolves (22-60).

6. 2005-06 Dallas Mavericks: Here's where things get wonky. Like the 1999-00 Clippers and 1989-90 Nets, these Mavericks averaged 18.0 APG. They finished with only five more total assists than the Knicks squad that ranks third on this list. However, they won 60 games, which gave them the third-best record in the league behind the Pistons (64-18) and Spurs (63-19). Moreover, the Mavs went all the way to the NBA Finals...which they might have won if not for a few dozen iffy foul calls that went in Dwyane Wade's favor. So, basically, they bucked every trend associated with teams who don't pass the ball.

7. 2004-05 Seattle Supersonics: Another trend-bucking team, these Sonics -- led by Ray "I'm open!" Allen (3.7 APG) and Rashard "NO, I'M OPEN, PASS IT TO MEEEEEEE!" Lewis (1.3 APG), the Sonics went 52-30, won the Northwest Division and made it to the Western Conference Semifinals, where they lost to the eventual champion Spurs in six games. Mind you, Rashard Lewis missed the last three games of that series with a sprained left toe. But despite the loss of their second-leading scorer, they came within a few points of forcing a seventh game. Note that, in that final game, the Sonics dished out only 13 assists...well below their season average of 18.1.

8. 2001-02 Houston Rockets: This is more like it! The 01-02 Rockets began the season with a starting lineup of Cuttino Mobley, Steve Francis, Kenny Thomas, Glen Rice and Kevin Cato, and they ended the season with a starting squad of Tierre Brown, Oscar Torres, Kenny Thomas, Terence Morris and Kelvin Cato. No wonder they dished out only 18.1 APG and won a mere 28 games. It's also not surprising that this was Rudy Tomjanovich's next-to-last season with the team.

9. 2005-06 Portland Trail Blazers: Note that this is the third 2005-06 team in this list. Coincidence? I think not. The 21-win Blazers averaged 18.2 APG and were the worst team in the league that season, worse even than the Isiah Thomas-assembled Knicks. And just check out this roster: Zach Randolph, Darius Miles, Juan Dixon, Ruben Patterson, Sebastian Telfair...if you're a Portland fan, I'm sure your mouth is filled with throw-up right now. But they, things are SO much better now, right? See. It all paid off.

10. 2005-06 Orlando Magic: Fittingly enough, we round out this list with yet another team from the 2005-06 season, which shall hereafter be referred to as "The Year Passing Died." Steve Francis, the leader of that 2001-02 Rockets team from two paragraphs ago, led this 36-win squad (which featured Dwight Howard, Hedo Turkoglue, Jameer Nelson and Grant Hill) with 5.7 of the team's 18.2 APG.

Labels: assists, Gay-Iverson-Mayo-Randolph Era, Memphis Grizzlies, Worst Evers

An inescapable (but intensely annoying) part of NBA coverage is the burning need many media outlets have to foretell...THE FUTURE. Every season, the world's leading guess-ologists fearlessly tell us who's going to be named MVP, which team is going to win the most games, who's going to the NBA Finals, etc. And these amazing hypotheses usually end up being only slightly less accurate than your average weather forecast. Where's Miss Cleo when you need her?

In that vein, Basketbawful reader Spencer nominated this 1999 article -- Phil Taylor's The Starting Over 5 -- for, in retrospect, making the worst prediction ever. In this stirring tribute to getting it wrong, Taylor named the five-man unit that was going to win back fans during the brutal post-Jordan/post-lockout era: Jayson Williams, Stephon Marbury, Keith Van Horn, Bo Outlaw and Ray Allen.

Of this Fab Five, Taylor said: "Together they embody all the qualities that can make the NBA likable again: charisma, passion, lightheartedness, humility, attitude, athleticism and, yes, an appeal to desirable demographic groups. If you were choosing an All-Star team, this would not be the starting five, but for a league looking for a new beginning, these players are perfect."

So, uh, how'd that turn out? Williams killed his limo driver and tried to cover it up. Marbury eschewed the "humility" Taylor spoke of to become the biggest locker room cancer in league history. Van Horn failed to live up to his Great White Hope hype and the final act of his career was having his corpse used as an add-on in the trade that sent Jason Kidd to Dallas. Outlaw somehow hung on to play 914 games in The Association, averaging a very quiet 5.4 points and 4.9 rebounds per game (although he did once notch a triple-double, and when asked about it he famously replied: "Triple-Double? What’s that, some kind of hamburger?") As for Allen, sure, he's been part of this Celtics' rejuvenation, but I'd be willing to bet Larry Bird's three championship rings that there isn't an NBA fan alive who would claim that Ray kept them from giving up on the league. (Unless Ray calls them "mom and dad.")

Can you think of any other predictions that, in retrospect, were that far off the mark? Leave your nomination(s) in the comments section and I'll assemble a top ten list.

Update! More from Wild Yams: Some additions to that Fab Five: Van Horn ended his career by quitting for no reason, deciding to just stop playing in the middle of a contract despite being in the "prime" of his career and being completely healthy. While some might say it's honorable to want to spend time with your family rather than play basketball, it's not exactly helping the NBA and the perception that NBA players are spoiled or whiny. After all, most people can't relate to someone giving up $5 million for one season (not to mention whatever he would have made in years after that) simply because the prospect of being a guy who mostly rides the bench seemed like too much work. Lord knows there's plenty of great family men who have suffered through the horrors of being an NBA player and survived to talk about it.

Ray Allen became the first player to publicly say that there may be an NBA conspiracy and that he felt his Bucks team was eliminated from the playoffs because the league didn't want such a small market team on TV in the playoffs. Whether this was true or not is for you to decide, but doing so didn't exactly help "make the NBA likable again" in the wake of Jordan's retirement.

Labels: Bo Outlaw, fan submissions, Jayson Williams, Keith Van Horn, predictions gone horribly wrong, Stephon Marbury, Worst Evers

It's good to be King, right? Not when you get your Royal Ass handed to you in a H-O-R-S-E competition by -- wait for it -- 26-year-old warehouse worker. Here are some video highlights:


The conquering hero is David Kalb, who won the matchup with James in an online contest, "LeBron’s Trick Shot Challenge sponsored by Cub Cadet."

Evil Ted and I watched the video together, hooting and high-fiving the whole time, and by the time LeBron missed that banked three-pointer, ET said: "That kid's in Lebron's head." He was. And Kalb new it. "After I beat him, he's like 'best of three, right?' I could tell he was frustrated. After missing a couple of easy ones, he hit the ball in disgust."

LeBron tried to blame his sad performance on ocean breezes and bright sun, and at one point he apparently grinned and said "That wind." Which I'm sure you'll agree is pretty weak. Like, watered-down herbal tea weak.

This isn't that strange of a phenomenon, though. Deron Williams got tested by some dude in a backyard court and Steve Nash lost The Steve Nash Challege to some random schlub from Utah...while he was the reigning MVP. So, you know, it happens.

Thanks to Brandon from Ballerblogger for the head's up.

Labels: beatdowns, H-O-R-S-E, Lebron James, Worst Evers

Having your marriage proposal cruelly rejected would be bad. Having it cruelly rejected at a live basketball game in front of tens of thousands of people would be even worse. Like "testicles caught in a piece of rusty farm equipment" worse. Take note.


This also "happened" (I'll explain the quotes below) at a Houston Rockets game. Notice Tracy McGrady's nervous, tittering laugh. If anybody knows what it's like to receive a brutal ego-ectomy in front of a stunned basketball crowd, it's T-Mac.


Before you start feeling too badly for these hapless and forsaken men, check out this entry at the Museum of Hoaxes. It appears that Local 6 -- also known as WKMG-TV Channel 6 (the CBS network affiliate for Central Florida) -- investigated the first video and discovered that the tragedy had been faked. According to Local 6, the proposal was nothing more than "an Orlando Magic marketing ploy to spice up the NBA experience." Mmmm, spicy! Brett Edwards of FanHouse uncovered that the proposal at the Rockets game was also staged.

A similar hoax was perpetrated at a Washington Wizards game in 2004. In fact, the Wizards PR department was so geeked that they proudly issued a press release about it: "Conceived in mischief, and executed without flaw, the Washington Wizards Game Operations department pulled off the prank of the year, simultaneously bewildering and wildly entertaining thousands that could not believe their eyes."

Hoo, boy, those NBA marketing teams are some HI-larious dudes and dudettes. I can't wait to see how they manage to raise the bar from this work of genius. Staged heart attacks? Fake animal rampages?! NBA action...it's FAN-tastic!

Labels: fakery, Houston Rockets, marriage proposals, Orlando Magic, Washington Wizards, Worst Evers

By my count, there have been no fewer than eight Next Michael Jordans: Grant Hill, Harold Miner, Jerry Stackhouse, Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Penny Hardaway, Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter.

There are a few things you might have noticed while scanning over this list. First, none of those players have even matched let alone surpassed Jordan. Kobe and LeBron have come the closest so far...but they're both still quite a ways off. Second, by and large, the Next Jordans have nonetheless achieved a fair level of professional success: MVPs (well, one anyway), championships, scoring titles, All-Star appearances, All-NBA recognition. However, third and finally, one of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong.

Harold Miner.

He was the first and worst of the Next Jordans. A high school phenom whose mind-bending leaping ability and freaktastic dunksplosions earned him the nickname "Baby Jordan," Miner played three above-average seasons at USC (23.5 PPG, 5.4 RPG, 45 percent shooting) before bolting for the pros. He was selected 12th overall in the 1992 NBA Draft by a Miami Heat squad that already included Glen Rice, Rony Seikaly, and Steve Smith, as well as other serviceable players like Grant Long, Kevin Edwards, Bimbo Coles and Brian Shaw. Adding Miner was supposed to help transform Miami into one of the league's elite teams.

It didn't quite work out that way, though. He played three lackluster seasons for the Heat in which he never played more than 21 minutes per game and never averaged more than 10.5 points. He was a two-time Slam Dunk Champion (in 1993 and 1995), but those titles only served to underscore Miner's basic weakness as a player: He was merely a fantastic dunker, nothing more and nothing less. He couldn't rebound, pass or play NBA defense. His supposed forte, offense, was suspect because of his poor outside shooting.

The Heat gave on Miner after the 1995 season and traded him to the Cleveland Cavaliers, where he averaged 3.2 points and 7.2 minutes in 19 games. His final NBA game came on February 20, 1996. His line: Zero points (0-for-2), 2 assists, and 1 foul in five minutes of lack-tion. After that game, Miner was waived. He tried to make it onto the Toronto Raptors in the fall of 1996, but he was cut during the preseason. He then "retired."

Nobody really knows what happened to Miner after that. (At least nobody who's willing to talk about it.) There have been rumors, of course. Plenty of rumors. Some say he's in witness-protection. Others claime he's hooping it up in Japan. He might also be living with his mom in L.A., running an insurance company in Florida, building homes in South Dakota, hooked on crack, writing for an online blogging competition, or dead. Miner's Wikipedia page states that he "eventually settled near Las Vegas, Nevada and is reportedly an active real estate investor." But it's Wikipedia...so who knows.

George Raveling, Miner's head coach at USC, once said: "I always felt the worst thing to happen to Harold was the 'Baby Jordan' tag." And that's probably true. I'm not saying that the "Next Jordan Curse" ruined Miner, blew out Penny Hardaway's knee, destroyed Grant Hill's ankle, made Tracy McGrady psychologically incapable of making it out of the first round, caused Kobe to develop bipolar affective disorder, or turned Jerry Stackhouse into a flaming asshole...but it sure as heck didn't help.

Note: Basketbawful reader Loren asked "How about Len Bias?" Good question. There were indeed comparisons made between the two men while Bias was still in college, but I don't consider Bias a true member of the Next Jordan Club. This is because, at the time Bias was drafted by the Celtics, Michael Jordan was not yet Michael Jordan. Jordan had been in the NBA for only two seasons and, due to a broken foot suffered during the 1985-86 campaign, he had played in only 100 career games. Moreoever, he had played in only three playoff games to that point, losing all of them. Yes, he had that 63-point game, but one historic scoring explosion does not a Legend make.

The Jordan Legend wasn't truly solidified until he won that first title in 1991 (although it certaily wasn't complete by that time, either). That puts Miner on the outer fringe of the Next Jordan Spectrum. Bias falls outside of it. However, if he was included in the Nex Jordans group, he would have qualified as the worst ever...since his irresponsible use of cocaine resulted in his death before he could play a single game.

Labels: Harold Miner, Next Jordans, Worst Evers

Note: This graphic apparently comes from a web comic called XKCD. I had no idea; it was simply forwarded to me by a friend. But I've heard that the comic is pretty funny.

Marvin "Bad News" Barnes -- who received his nickname for various off-the-court problems, like (allegedly) attacking Providence teammate Larry Ketvirtis with a tire iron -- was one of the NBA's great wasted talents. Cocaine abuse destroyed his body and cut short what many people thought could have been a Hall of Fame career, and Barnes has since been arrested for trespassing, stealing videotapes from an adult movie store, being under the influence of narcotics, and burglary. The awesomest of his arrests came after he robbed a liquor store in broad daylight while wearing a basketball jersey with his name on the back. Oh yes he did.

But Marvin's greatest sin was his crime against Mighty Science. In 1975, during his rookie year with the ABA's Spirit of Saint Louis, Barnes showed up for a team flight and was told that it was scheduled to leave Louisville at 8 a.m. and land in St. Louis at 7:57 a.m. This, of course, was due to a time zone change, but Barnes couldn't wrap his head around the concept. As he explained to Bob Costas (who at the time was the Spirits' announcer): "I ain't goin' on no time machine. I ain't takin' no flight that takes me back in time." So News rented a car and drove to St. Louis.

Dishonorable mentions

Update! Chris Washburn or Charles Shackleford: I got this reminder from deej: "Hey Basketbawful, you left out the scholarly Chris Washburn and his famous quote 'Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious.'" Indeed I did, although there seems to be some dispute about whether Washburn or North Carolina State teammate Charles Shackleford said it. Additionally, the statement is sometimes quoted as: "Left hand, right hand it doesn't matter, I'm amphibious."

Jason Kidd: In 1994, during his rookie season with the Dallas Mavericks, Kidd was trying to explain that the Mavs were going to improve greatly on the previous season's record of 13-69. At least, I think that's what he was trying to explain. But what he said was: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

Dennis Rodman: When asked about chemistry, the Worm said: "Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college when you want to figure out two plus ten or something." Who dresses like a woman and doesn't know a damn thing? This guy!

Doug Collins: Mr. Emotional once said: "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." Have I mentioned how glad I am he won't be coaching in Chicago this season?

Update! Drew Gooden: The bearded wonder doesn't know much about geography. He once said that: "I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee." As if that wasn't bad enough, he also claimed that: "My girlfriend isn't Asian. She's Thai." Tip o' the hat to 80's NBA for the first quote.

Update! Kenyon Martin: Ever wonder why Kenyon is such an, ahem, pleasant guy? Here's why, in his own words: "When I was young, I would just snap. I've come 360 degrees with my temper and my attitude." Yup, that's about right.

Update! Kenyon Martin (again): Did you know that Kenyon used to suffer from a persistent stuttering problem? Well, he did. And, according to him: "Sometimes I still do. I've come 360 degrees, though." That's gruh-gruh-gruh-great, Kenyon!

Update! Kenyon Martin (yet again): Regarding opening the 2001-02 season finally free of the injury and fatigue seasons that had plagued him the previous year, Kenyon said: "Trust me, it's 360 from where it was."

Kobe Bryant: Of course, I can't omit Kobe, who once lamented that: "I've always been an outcast. Since I was a little kid. I was the only black kid in Italy, I was the only Italian kid in America." Aren't there, like, 60 million people in Italy? And aren't there about 300 million people in the United States? I think Mamba needs a lesson in demographics.

Update! Mychal Thompson: Sweet Bells once explained his ability to measure errors in refraction sunny disposition during an NBA summer league broadcast: "I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good -- well you know what I mean. I believe in good stuff."

Shaq: In describing his mammoth intellect, The Big Brain Surgeon once said: "I have a lot of knowledge in my medulla oblongata." I'm sure he probably picked this term up from Water Boy, but for the record, the medulla oblongata is the part of brain that controls autonomic functions like respiration, blood pressure, swallowing, vomiting and (my favorite) defecation. So...was The Big Geritol actually saying he has poop for brains? I'll let you decide for yourself.

Shaq (again): The Big Mathemetist also claimed that: "My game is like the Pythagorean theorem, no one has an answer." But, uhm, there is an answer to that theorem, Mr. O'Neal. Update! Shaq actually used this quote again, revising his original assertion: "There is no answer to the Pythagorean theorem. Well, there is an answer, but by the time you figure it out, I got 40 points, 10 rebounds, and then we're planning for the parade."

Shaq (yet again): And when asked whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, the Deisel fatuously uttered: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to." Update! Loved this comment from Basketbawful reader a: "What he should have said is that other centers are probably like the Quadratic Equation -- nobody remembers them after 2 years! B2+/- Root C2-4AC... aw screw it!"

Tracy McGrady: Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin aren't the only NBA players who have trouble with Euclidean geometry. After signing with the Orlando Magic in 2000, T-Mac said: "[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." Hm. Could explain all those first round disappointments.

Update! Vlade Divac: I'm sure there's a perfectly sound physiological reason that middle-aged men develop large and rather nasty beer bellies. But Vlade thinks there's also a psychological reason. To wit: "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." Another tip 'o the hat to 80's NBA.

Yogi Berra: Oh, and even though he's not a basketball guy, I can't omit Yogi's celebrated declaration that: "Baseball is 90 percent mental -- the other half is physical." That was almost matched by Mickey Rivers infamous "Pitching is 80 percent of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding" comment.

If you have another example of a basketball player mutilating the sciences, leave a comment or email me directly.

Important Note: In case you're wondering about the 2007-08 Worsties, they got delayed, mostly because they're going to be much longer than I originally anticipated. Expect a multi-part series to start next week.

Labels: Doug Collins, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Marvin "Bad News" Barnes, Mighty Science, Shaq, Tracy McGrady, Worst Evers

Bear: On January 24, 2004, Karl Malone returned to Utah for the first time as a Laker. During a timeout, Jazz mascot Bear answered a fake call that was broadcast over the loudspeakers. The caller imitated Malone's voice, identifying himself as "Mail" and saying he wanted to come home because L.A. fans were mean to him and the Lakers don't pass him the ball. The call ended with the imitator saying, "I guess it could be worse. I could be Ko..." stopping short of saying Kobe. This happened during Kobegate, of course, and some people felt it was in poor taste to mock a man who was suspected of rape. Malone, who would later be threatened by Kobe for supposedly hitting on his wife, was one of that "some." Said the Mailman: "After 18 years, for them to stoop to that kind of level, that's no class. And that's something I'll never forget." The Jazz issued an apology for the incident, but Malone wasn't having it. "It's not sincere. The guy who was involved, who they put the blame on, apologized and I accept his because he's sincere. Other people there, no. I forgive, don't get me wrong, but I don't accept it because it's not real." The league fined the Jazz $15,000, and although the team had approved the skit, they still forced the man who plays Bear to pay half of the fine himself.

Benny the Bull: On July 2, 2006, Benny (portrayed by Barry Anderson) was arrested by an off-duty police officer while performing at the Taste of Chicago. Dressed in full mascot regalia, Anderson zoomed his miniature motorcycle through the festival -- be prepared to gasp -- without the required permit. (The city of Chicago takes its miniature motorcycling very seriously.) When the officer, who was providing security at the event, identified himself as a Po-Po and ordered Anderson to stop, Anderson beat a very brave retreat. The officer pursued on foot and (amazingly) caught up to Anderson, who punched him in the face, knocking off the officer's glasses and breaking his watch. (Apparently he was wearing the watch on his face.) According to Anderson, he was just acting "in character." (Because, as everyone knows, Benny the Bull is a notorious cop-puncher.) Anderson was charged with two offenses: Misdemeanor battery and driving within the parkway. Those charges were later dropped.

Benny the Bull (again): On February 12, 2008, Benny slapped palm with the wrong oral surgeon. Dr. Don Kalant, who must be made out of stained glass and peanut brittle, suffered a hyperextended arm and a ruptured bicep muscle when Benny high-fived him during a Bulls home game against the New Orleans Hornets. Kalant bravely stayed for the rest of the game but later had surgery and had to miss about four months of work. Naturally, Kalant sued the Bulls -- who as Benny's employer are legally responsible for his actions -- and is seeking unspecified damages for medical bills, physical pain and lost earnings. The lawsuit claims that Benny was negligent in either "falling forward while grabbing a fan's hand" or "running out of control" through the crowd. And I think you'll agree that out-of-control crowd running is a menace that must be stopped. After all, our country's greatest oral surgeons are in grave danger.

Benny the Bull (yet again): In March of this year, the mascot got into a fight on The Jerry Springer Show. No, really.


Benny the Bull (oh dear lord): On April 1, 2008, Benny sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon during the closing minutes of the Celtics/Bulls game. According to the Boston Herald report: "Garnett initially had to be restrained by a member of the officiating crew as Benny stood a safe distance away." Huh. What happens when a mascot pees themselves in terror? I guess we'd have to ask Benny that question. Kudos to Posey for finding some humor in the situation. "I don’t know. I feel threatened. I don’t feel safe. They really have tough love here, but it was definitely an inside job. They made the mascot do it. I got hit in the back walking away. That spot on my back is sore. I might have to get treatment on it." Of course, I'm only assuming he's kidding.

Boomer: On March 11, 2005, the Pacers' mascot tackled Nathaniel Jackson -- who had recently had back surgery -- after a freethrow shooting contest. When a Pacers' employee rushed up and told Boomer about Jackson's back condition, the mascot responded by kicking at Jackson's legs. Naturally, Jackson sued Boomer for compensation for his medical bills, lost income, pain, suffering and "permanent injuries." (For the record, being a Pacers fan is a "permanent injury.")

Burnie: Back in October of 1994, during an exhibition game in Puerto Rico, Burnie pulled Yvonne Gil Bonar de Rebollo onto the court by her legs. Unfortunately for the mascot, Gil Bonar de Rebollo was the wife of a local Supreme Court justice...and she wasn't amused. Burnie was charged with aggravated assault and battery, faced 20 years in jail, and was sued for [insert Dr. Evil laugh here] one meeeellion dollars for emotional distress. The Heat tried to settle out of court for $100,000 but Gil Bonar de Rebollo refused. She was eventually awarded $50,000 (despite repeated appeals). The lesson: Only drag a woman around by her legs if she's a gymnast or a prostitute.

Burnie (again): During Game 5 of the 1997 first-round NBA playoff series between the Miami Heat and Orlando Magic, NBA Hall of Famer Dolph Schayes -- who was about to turn 69 -- got steamed when Burnie blasted him (and the rest of the Orlando Magic's cheering section) with a water gun. Schayes then proceeded to knock the mascot the hell out with a right hook. Which you have to admit is pretty awesome.

Da Bull: Chester Brewer portrayed Da Bull -- who was billed as Benny the Bull's slam-dunking cousin -- for nine years before his arrest on January 20, 2004. Brewer was busted trying to sell wacky weed out of the trunk of his car: The arresting officers found six ounces of marijuana (with a street value of $1,000) on Brewer and a scale in his trunk. Brewer, who wasn't dressed as a bull at the time of his arrest, was charged with possession of cannabis with intent to deliver and/or get veeeeeery high.

Da Bull (a different one): This Da Bull -- the mascot for the Austin Toros -- ran onto the court and hung from the rim with 0.4 seconds left to celebrate a breakaway dunk that gave the Toros a four-point lead over the Colorado 14ers. While hanging from the rim, Da Bull bumped into a Colorado player. (Oh, the humanity!) The Toros were assessed a technical foul for that case of illegal mascot rim-hanging. The 14ers hit the freethrow to pull within three points and narrowly missed sending the game into overtime when their last-second three was off the mark. The Toros suspended Da Bull for two games and assigned him to 50 hours of community service for putting their victory in jeopardy.

HOOPS (or Steve Javie, depending on your point of view): This is from Basketbawful reader 80s NBA: "I remember watching a game in the early 90's when Steve Javie ejected "Hoops", the Washington Bullets mascot. The reason was that Hoops was 'making gestures to incite the Capital Centre crowd against the refs' after Javie ejected Pervis (Never Nervous But Mostly Out Of Service) Ellison from the game for throwing the ball at the other ref." Yup. Good old Steve Javie. I'd like to make some inciting gestures (and flatulence) in his general direction.

Rocky the Mountain Lion: Back in April of 1995, Rocky challenged Charles Barkley to a friendly boxing match. And it didn't end well...for Rocky.


Rocky the Mountain Lion(again): On November 1, 2002, Ken Solomon -- who portrayed the Denver Nuggets mascot -- was arrested for first-degree trespass and harassment resulting in domestic violence. Sheriff's deputies said Solomon arrived unexpectedly at the doctor's office and asked to be present while the doctor saw his children. He and the doctor argued, and Solomon's former wife left with the children. Solomon then followed them to their home and entered the garage before his ex-wife could close the door. I'm not sure how that consitutes "domestic violence," but then I flunked Frivolous Arrest Charges 101 in college.

Labels: legal problems, NBA mascots, Worst Evers

This was brought to my attention by Basketbawful reader Stephanie G and (I have since discovered) has been reported elsewhere (like here, here and here). But I'm going to cover it again because it's so awesomely stupid that it absolutely must be included on any site that covers the best of the worst of professional basketball.

Back in the summer of 2003, Shawn Marion got a tattoo down his right leg in Chinese lettering that was supposedly a translation of his nickname "The Matrix." Only it wasn't. I mean, it really, really wasn't. Hanzi Smatter -- a site dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in Western culture -- noted that Shawn's tattoo really means, uh, something else:

魔 = Demon, evil spirits; magic power.

鳥 = Bird.

樟 = Camphor (a plant where its chemical exact is used for making moth balls).

That's right: Shawn Marion is Demon Bird Mothballs. I suggest you sit down and let the awe wash over you in a cool wave.

That's a pretty big misfire. (Although not quite as bad as the chick who had "inferior goods" tramp-stamped on her lower back.) Shawn probably should have consulted with somebody other than the dude at the tattoo parlor before inking his leg. According to Hanzi Smatter, The Matrix (as in the movie) is translated as 黑客帝国 (which means "Hackers' Empire"). And matrix (in the mathematical sense) is translated as 矩陣.

This hilarious mistranslation reminds me of the multicultrual heroes that appeared on the old Challenge of the Super Friends cartoon. Apache Chief, El Dorado, Samuri...these not-so-super characters were created by simply mashing together a few awkward cultural stereotypes. As Seanbaby once pointed out: "Now that I mention it, I don't think [Apache Chief] was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him 'Minnesota President.'"

At least Shawn isn't alone. Marquis Daniels has a tattoo that means "Healthy Woman Roof." No, really.

Oh, and if you think think America has a monopoly in cultrual ignorance, I suggest you check out Engrish. Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension!

Fun fact: As the Hanzi Smatter pointed out, the tattoo also appears on his action figure.)

Labels: fan submissions, Marquis Daniels, Shawn Marion, tattoos, Worst Evers

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a day when you get to celebrate freedom by setting things on fire and blowing them up...just like our founding fathers intended when they won our independence from the Nazis. (Thank you, Abraham Lincoln!) But before you do that, read this. It may not be freedom, but it's the next best thing.

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract. (Note: I started writing this one when I thought it was simply a bladder infection. Then I found out about the colitis and just left it in. Not really a dumn injury, per se.)

Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.

Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.

Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm...on a physioball. No, really. At least he wasn't so fat it exploded on him...

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off teh court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.

Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]


Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Labels: Charles Barkley, Derrick McKey, Drew Gooden, Dwyane Wade, Greg Ostertag, injuries, Jeff Ruland, Kevin Johnson, Lionel Simmons, Moochie Norris, Muggsy Bogues, Vladimir Radmanovic, Worst Evers

Some people believe that anybody who becomes a professional basketball players is worthy of a certain amount of respect and admiration. I disrespectfully disagree. There are five former players whose "careers" are, in my estimation, deserving only of mockery, which I will provide in the following paragraphs. Because these men, these titans of disrepute, all logged exactly one minute of NBA action...ever.

Andy Panko and Cedric Hunter: Panko -- born Andrew John Panko III -- was a 6'9" forward out of Lebenon Valley College. Hunter was a 6'0" guard from the University of Kansas. These two men, so different in so many ways, were united by one ignominious feat: They scored a one trillion...for their entire career. Panko's one minute of career nothingness was achieved on January 11, 2001 against the Golden State Warriors (Panko played for the Hawks, appropriately enough). Hunter's meaningless 60 seconds of lifework happened on February 16, 1992 against the Miami Heat (Hunter was a member of the Charlotte Hornets). I have repeatedly used the one trillion as a means of describing a player's complete and utter statistical insignificance. Notching a trillion here or there is one thing, but having a "career" that is a one trillion? It's so sad it's awesome.

Barry Sumpter: Barry was a 6'11" foward-center out of, uh, Austin Peay State University? (Yes, it's a real place.) But, to be fair, after one season at APSU, he transferred to Louisville where he promptly became not as good. But he still managed to sign a one-year, $100,000 contract with -- prepare to be very not surprised -- the Los Angeles Clippers for the 1988-89 season. He played his minute on April 2, 1989 against the soon-to-be NBA champion Detroit Pistons. Unlike Panko and Hunter, Barry managed to at least get off a shot...which he missed. His infamous career ended 0-for-1 and zero-for-everything else. Unless you count his PER score of -30.2.

Forest Able: Forest Edward Able -- also known as "Frosty" -- was a 6'3" guard out of Western Kentucky University. Frosty "played" for the Syracuse Nationals during the 1956-57 season, and he packed a lot of activity into his one minute of lack-tion: 2 shots (both of which he missed), 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 personal foul. So, you know, he tried (even if he did fail in epic fashion). His career PER of -41.3 is enough to make stat-heads weep.

Dave Scholz: Mr. Scholz -- whose nickname of "Dave" was a stroke of inspired genius -- the "greatest" player in this group, in that he's the only one who actually scored two points on 1-for-1 shooting. This means that he shot 100 percent for his career and averaged an incredible 96 points per 48 minutes. Oh, and his career Player Efficiency Rating (PER) of 67.6 is more than double Michael Jordan's 27.91. So, according to John Hollinger's stats, Dave Scholz may be the best basketball player in NBA history.

Labels: one trillion, Worst Evers

Anthony Bowie has a lot to be proud of. Despite being selected in the third round of the 1986 NBA Draft (a.k.a. "The Len Bias Draft") and spending the first several years of his "professional" career playing in the CBA and a handful of European minor leagues, he managed to eke out eight seasons worth of NBA employment. What's more, he actually became a valuable reserve for the Orlando Magic, particularly in 1991-92 when he averaged 14.6 PPG, 4.7 RPG and 3.1 APG while shooting almost 50 percent from the field and nearly 40 percent from distance. Why, he even had two nicknames ("A.B." and "Boo") and could rightly make the claim that he's one of the top 10 players to ever come out of Oklahoma! Laugh all you want, but I bet you can't say that.

However, on March 9, 1996, A.B. did something that he should not have been proud of...although he obviously was: His first (and only) career triple double. And it will live on in infamy as one of the worst cases of stat padding in league history.

Here's what happened: The Magic were leading the Detroit Pistons by 20 points when Bowie -- who was making his second start of the season in place of the injured Nick Anderson -- rebounded a Piston miss. That carom gave Bowie 20 points, 10 rebounds and 9 assists, so he quickly called timeout with 2.7 seconds left so he could go for the triple-double. Magic coach Brian Hill was so upset he handed Bowie his clipboard and stormed away. A.B. drew up a play that called for the ball to be inbounded to him and for him to throw a lob pass to David Vaughn.

Doug Collins, who was coaching the Pistons, angrily told his players to stand at the side of the court when play resumed and not contest Bowie's pass. (That'll show 'em, Doug.) They did what they were told; Vaughn dunked the ball home and Bowie got the assist and his cherished triple-double. The funny thing is, that one meek show of protest sort of epitomizes everything that was wrong with Collins as a coach...and David Stern fined him $5K for it. (Thank God he's not coming back to Chicago to coach next season.)

This is what Bowie said after the game: "I'll probably never have the opportunity to do it again. It was entirely me. Coach (Brian) Hill had nothing to do with the timeout. I knew when he gave me the board that it was up to me. You only get so many opportunities, and that's why I did it. Whether they’re going to move over or whatever they’re going to do, I'll take it. It's all the same. I ran over to tell Doug Collins the situation, that it was a great opportunity for me, but that I didn't want to make anybody mad. He didn't listen."

Imagine that.

Shaq, who was still with the Magic, supported his teammate's stat-mongery (naturally). This is what the Big Quotable had to say: "I'm glad he did it. I don't care who gets mad. Because of the talent on this team, Anthony Bowie doesn't get a chance to play a lot. He was in the CBA. A lot of people thought he couldn't make it. He got a chance. He came over here, and that's his first career triple-double. I'm glad for him and could care less if Doug Collins got mad." (It's sort of ironic that, just a couple years earlier, Shaq publically -- and very bitterly -- complained that David Robinson had padded his own stats to "steal" the 1994 league scoring title.)

Hill wasn't quite as forgiving as Shaq, and he issued an apology during his post-game interview. "I want to formally apologize to Coach Collins, his staff, the Pistons, organization and the Orlando fans for the timeout that was called. I thought it was totally uncalled for, and it's something I regret."

Of course, Hill was the guy who handed his clipboard over to Bowie and let it all happen. He could have benched him, or told his player not to do it...I mean, he was the coach, right?

Years later, Bowie remained unrepentant. When asked if embarrassing himself and his opponents was worth it, this is what he said: "To me, yes, it was worth it. You know, people can say what they want, and you know, think of me as a bad guy, but it was an opportunity for me. You know, I ended up playing the 48 minutes all the way out to the last second, that's all it was....you know, you always hear the coaches say play to the last second. And, you know, for me, it was an opportunity, you know -- who knows, I mean, I may have never got to start again, but the opportunity for me was there, and I took advantage of the opportunity.

"Would I do it again in the same situation? If I got to play the whole 48 minutes out, yes I would. I mean, people can say they wouldn't do it again, but when you're in that situation, you just never know what you're going to do. You know, we can pretend that we're going to do certain things at certain times, but when it comes down to reality, you know, we don't know what's going to happen. We really don't know what's going to happen. So I probably would do it again."

Dishonorable mentions: The Bowie story has served as a cautionary tale for future stat padders, but at least two players totally ignored it.

On March 16, 2003, Ricky Davis -- then a Cleveland Cavalier -- had accumulated 28 points, 12 assists and 9 rebounds during a blowout of the Utah Jazz. But that wasn't enough for Davis, who caught an inbounds pass with six seconds left and was about to shoot at his own basket so that he could miss and get his 10th rebound. But DeShawn Stevenson wrapped him up and spoiled his plan. Naturally, Davis showed no remorse after the game, saying: "[The Jazz] should be mad. Any team that gets beat that bad shouldn't be happy. I'd probably be mad, too, losing by 20."

Stevenson, believe it or not, actually busted on Davis for not acting professionally. "There's too many people who have done too much for this sport to act like that. This is the NBA, and you've got to be professional, and that's not professional. Yes, I think it was disrespect to the game and disrespect to me. You've got little kids looking up to him and to see him do that isn't right." Uhm, what happened to that DeShawn Stevenson? Might be time to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Of course, Davis never would have gotten his triple-double that way: Rule 5, Section 1 of the league's official rules states that: "It is a violation for a player to attempt a field goal at an opponent's basket. The opposing team will be awarded the ball at the free throw line extended." So he made himself look like a huge jackass for nothing. Awesome.

Just over a year later, on April 12, 2004, Bob Sura intentionally missed a shot right before the final buzzer and grabbed the board to "earn" a triple-double of 22 points, 11 assists and 10 rebounds. (At least he was actually shooting at the right basket.) Sura tried to cover for his superdickery joking that the shot "slipped" out of his hands. Ha. Ha.

David Stern found the situation so funny that he discounted the shot attempt on the grounds that a "slip" doesn't count as a shot since the rules clearly state that: "A field goal attempt is a player's attempt to shoot the ball into the basket for a field goal." In other words, if Sura wasn't trying to put the ball in the basket, there could be no shot attempt. And if there was no shot attempt, there could be no rebound. Gotcha, Bobby!

Unlike Bowie and Davis, at least Sura showed a little humility after getting slapped down by the league office. "I'm disappointed that my attempt to earn my third triple caused so much controversy. It was never my intention to make a mockery of our sport and to take any attention away from our huge win over the Nets. If anyone was offended by my actions, I sincerely apologize."

Labels: Athony Bowie, Bob Sura, infamy, Ricky Davis, stat padding, triple doubles, Worst Evers