So, guys, if you had predicted that South Beach would've held the aging, fragile C's to only 32 points after halftime...and that Game 4 would come down to a final shot in which Dwyane Wade was covered by Marquis Daniels...and got an open look at the arc...


You wouldn't have expected this outcome, would you?

Coming off the heels of Rondo missing one of two free throws (and notice how he never runs across to help Marquis Daniels out!), not long after a Mickael Pietrus rebound sequence which burned about 50 seconds off the clock...against all odds, we have ourselves a new series!


We also have, for the first time, King Crab fouling out in a Miami uniform:




And pure class from Boston's assist machine:

Labels: 2012 NBA Playoffs, Boston Celtics, Dwyane Wade, Eastern Conference Finals, Lebron James, Marquis Daniels, Miami Heat, Rajon Rondo

An artist's rendering of Shaqnopsis
Welcome to a beginning-of-the-week Monday night BAD. I'm still in awe over Marquis Daniels' jewel-encrusted golden head on a chain, and I have to get going in a hurry tonight with a last-minute obligation, so let's just move on.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Okay, seriously, has anyone ever seen Jerry Stackhouse and Dave Chappelle in the same place at the same time?

The look of losing a close game to a decidely better team

The look of getting killed by Phoenix's defense

"Surely you jest!"

"Rock 'n' roll!!"
Nationally Televised Games:
Hawks at Jazz: Let's see. What game should we put on NBA-TV for a national TV audience? Ah yes, the one involving two tired teams both on the second night of a back to back! Brilliant!

All The Other Games:
Bulls at Wizards Generals Bullets: The Bullets have only lost one game since trading away one of their best players, Antawn Jamison (while the Crabs have lost three straight since acquiring him). Was this somehow addition by subtraction in some kind of crazy bawful logic?

Bucks at Bricks: Well, isn't it amazing what Knee-Mac can do when he actually gives a crap? Lucky for us it won't matter because his body can't withstand the rigors of playing hard for more than 32 minutes a season. Back to status quo!

Pacers at Mavericks: The Mavericks have dominated the Pacers recently. Well, then again, who hasn't? In any event, nice to see Dallas has finally remember to occasionally include the "D" in their name.

In other news, it appears the Indy management has seen the trailer for Hot Tub Time Machine, and they have decided to build their own hot tub time machine in an effort to go back to the glory days of the late 90s.


Bobcats at Clippers: While the Clippers are still who we thought they were, we still have to remember the Bobcats have managed to lose TWICE this season to the Nyets. I can't put anything past them.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Indiana Pacers, Marquis Daniels

This was brought to my attention by Basketbawful reader Stephanie G and (I have since discovered) has been reported elsewhere (like here, here and here). But I'm going to cover it again because it's so awesomely stupid that it absolutely must be included on any site that covers the best of the worst of professional basketball.

Back in the summer of 2003, Shawn Marion got a tattoo down his right leg in Chinese lettering that was supposedly a translation of his nickname "The Matrix." Only it wasn't. I mean, it really, really wasn't. Hanzi Smatter -- a site dedicated to the misuse of Chinese characters in Western culture -- noted that Shawn's tattoo really means, uh, something else:

魔 = Demon, evil spirits; magic power.

鳥 = Bird.

樟 = Camphor (a plant where its chemical exact is used for making moth balls).

That's right: Shawn Marion is Demon Bird Mothballs. I suggest you sit down and let the awe wash over you in a cool wave.

That's a pretty big misfire. (Although not quite as bad as the chick who had "inferior goods" tramp-stamped on her lower back.) Shawn probably should have consulted with somebody other than the dude at the tattoo parlor before inking his leg. According to Hanzi Smatter, The Matrix (as in the movie) is translated as 黑客帝国 (which means "Hackers' Empire"). And matrix (in the mathematical sense) is translated as 矩陣.

This hilarious mistranslation reminds me of the multicultrual heroes that appeared on the old Challenge of the Super Friends cartoon. Apache Chief, El Dorado, Samuri...these not-so-super characters were created by simply mashing together a few awkward cultural stereotypes. As Seanbaby once pointed out: "Now that I mention it, I don't think [Apache Chief] was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him 'Minnesota President.'"

At least Shawn isn't alone. Marquis Daniels has a tattoo that means "Healthy Woman Roof." No, really.

Oh, and if you think think America has a monopoly in cultrual ignorance, I suggest you check out Engrish. Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension!

Fun fact: As the Hanzi Smatter pointed out, the tattoo also appears on his action figure.)

Labels: fan submissions, Marquis Daniels, Shawn Marion, tattoos, Worst Evers

The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Atlanta Hawks: When you hold your opponent to five points on 6 percent shooting in the first quarter, you're probably well on your way to a nice, easy win. Unless, of course, you are the Atlanta Hawks, who have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1968. And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort. The Hawks shot 33 percent as a team and committed 22 turnovers. All-Star Joe Johnson hit only 5-of-12 shots and threw the ball away 6 times. Mike Bibby couldn't throw a ping pong ball in the ocean (1-for-11). Josh Smith shot 2-for-12 and lost the ball 8 times. Mario Williams scored a one trillion. Say it with me once again: They are who we thought they were.

Marquis Daniels: A woman was allegedly raped at Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

Travis Diener: I'm not going to going to mention the whole "name rhymes with wiener" thing -- oops, I mentioned it -- because the real issue was his 2-for-10 shooting performance. What, the Pacers miss Jamaal Tinsley so much they replaced him with sombody who shoots even worse? Diener's hitting 33 percent of his shots on the season. He's only hit 50 percent of his shots once in 10 games this month, and he's had nights of 2-for-8, 1-for-7, 2-for-8 again, 1-for-7 again, 2-for-6, and 3-for-9. I thought white guards were supposed to be able to shoot. That's what they do, right? Shoot?

Andrea Bargnani: His 25-point discharge against the Knicks had me a little worried. I thought I was going to lose one of my favorite human dartboards. But, again, he is who we thought he was: 2 points (1-for-5) and 3 turnovers. Not his worst game by any stretch of the imagination, but it merits Worst of the Night mention since it immediately followed so many foolishly raised expectations.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" last night, scoring zero points (0-for-2) to go along with 2 assists and 3 turnovers in 11 minutes of playing time. Oh, and did I mention he got tossed near the end of the first half for arguing with referee Monty McCutchen that a loose ball was knocked out of bounds by Jason Kidd. Getting yourself ejected when your team is up by 30 is kind of stupid, but getting thrown out when your team is in a dog fight against a good team on the road is [puts on Bill Walton hat] selfish, irresponsible, self-aggrandizing, and just plain terrible.

Luol Deng: He scored 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting, which isn't the strongest case for Worst of the Night status, until you consider that John Paxson absolutely refused to trade for Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, or even Kobe Bryant if Deng was to be included in the trade. How'd that work out for you, Pax?

Bill Simmons: The man who consistently loses out to his wife on NFL picks bashed the Jason Kidd trade because Kidd can't shoot (5-for-7 last night), can't get to the hole anymore (3-for-4 on layups), can't make things any easier for Dirk (29 points, 10 rebounds), and Jerry Stackhouse is washed up (23 points, 7-for-11). Good calls, one and all, Bill. Sure, it's only one game, and it was against the Bulls. But still...

J.R. Smith: He faked Chauncey Billups out on a crossover and drew a foul with 6.5 seconds remaining and the Nuggets down by two. Then he went and gonked both freethrows and the Pistons went on to win 98-93. Hey, maybe the Detroit fans distracted hi...wait, what? They were playing in Denver? Never mind, then. Said Smith: "I feel awful." No. You feel basketbawful. Edit: My bad, guys and gals. Basketbawful reader Andrew correctly informed me that the Nuggets were down three when Smith got fouled on a three-point attempt. Smith made the first 'throw, boned the second, then intentionally missed the third. It is, nonetheless, still awful.

Marcus Camby: While I'm dissing on the Nuggets, let's not forget Mr. "I shoulda been an All-Star" Camby, who shot 1-for-8 last night. He was 0-for-1 on layups and 1-for-7 on jumpers. Only one of his shots -- the layup -- came in the paint. He's a center, right? Thinks he should have been an All-Star center, right? Okay. Just checking.

The Los Angeles Clippers: You know what? Forget it. They've been through enough.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Bill Simmons, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Clippers, luol deng, Marcus Camby, Marquis Daniels, San Antonio Spurs