Friday:

Gerald finds a way to make to boos go away

The Bobcats' starters: On the surface a 2 point loss isn't too bad by Bobcat standards, even if it did come at home, and against the Cavaliers—one of the few teams in the league that actually has a worse record. At least the bench wasn't too blame; they scored 59 points, which left just 45 for the starters. That didn't compare well with the 87 points scored by Cleveland's starters. If nothing else, the Cats are to be commended for resisting the urge to get the hometown crowd's hopes up by building on their win over the Bulls and engaging in any kind of winning streak. Charlotte fans were given a far more dubious cause for celebration with the return of Tyrus Thomas, quite possibly the greyest silver lining since the Hindenburg crash only actually killed 36% of the airship's passengers.

The Nets and the Wizards: The Wizards get a mention because they lost the game, while the Nets are at a loss for excuses to justify needing two overtimes to dispatch the league's worst team. Wait, what am I talking about? Of course they have an excuse—it was P.J. Carlesimo's fault. Now that that's been settled, I'll move on.

The Raptors: Some teams just don't have any luck. This game could've occurred during any one of the many days DeMarcus Cousins sat out due to conduct detrimental to the team, but instead the volatile pivot boogied his way across the border and didn't return until he had amassed 31 points and a career-high tying 20 rebounds. Most of the credit for this belongs to Keith Smart, who has pioneered a new technique where DeMarcus Cousins, upon putting up young Shaq numbers, is allowed 20 minutes of screaming vulgarities into Smart's face. 

The mood at Air Canada Center was even bleaker than usual after the game, as nobody could figure out a way to blame this embarrassing loss on Andrea Bargnani. A few fans were able to take perverse comfort in Sam Mitchell's recent revelations that management made him coddle Bargnani like a giant, #1 draft pick baby. In case your interested but don't feel like clicking on the link, Mitchell says Calderon wasn't coddled, and that's why he's been able to win ballgames lately.

Wherever that ball is going, it's not good for the Sixers

The 76ers: I don't know what's sadder for Philadelphia fans, that the Sixers lost by over 20 points to the Thunder, or that there doesn't seem to be anything notable or surprising about that. Generally when teams are led in scoring by Nick Young off of the bench, it's either a really good night or a really bad one, and Friday's loss did absolutely nothing to dispel this notion.

The Grizzlies: Memphis sure could've used Zach Randolph and any potentially lingering angry feelings towards the team that drafted him, but the forward was unable to draw on any fading memories of Northwestern ostracism since he missed the game with an acute case of the dreaded flu-like symptoms. The end of the game must have had Memphis spectators also reaching for the nearest waste basket, as the Grizzlies missed their last 10 shots and let the visitors walk away with a 2 point win.

The Pacers: The Pacers were kind enough to only score 75 points in their trip to Boston, allowing the home team to snap their 4 game losing-streak and come away with a 19 point victory. KG rewarded them for their kindness by smacking Tyler Hansbrough in the face. Maybe it was because Tyler Hansbrough was the only Pacer who played worth a damn, or maybe it was just because KG likes smacking people in the face, but whatever the cause, the effect was an ejection for the Big Ticket. David West and Paul George practiced their synchronized swimming by each shooting 4-18, with neither player coming within the general vicinity of 18 points.

The Heat: The Heat couldn't come to the Midwest on Friday, so the Midwest came to them. The result was the same: a loss for the Heat and a whole lot of schadenfreude to go around. The Bulls crushed the Heat on the boards, enjoying a 20 rebound advantage. Joakim Noah, who still doesn't seem too fond of Lebron James, had this to say:

It always feels good to beat the Heat. And we get a night out in the city, so we're hyped right now.

I get the feeling that Joakim likes visiting Lebron in South Beach a little bit more than he did in Cleveland. It's hard to believe that this is the same team that lost on New Years Eve to the Bobcats, at home no less, but then again beating the Heat doesn't seem like much of a challenge this week.

The Beard Supremacy

The Bucks: James Harden was a one man Broped—minus the inefficiency; the bearded one scored 29 points on 18 attempts, while his freshly shaved rivals used 16 more attempts to score 28 combined points. Scott Skiles continued to demonstrate that he'll start any forward not named Ilyasova, this time opting for a one-two punch of Ekpe Udoh and Labia Mud Charm Toucher. John Henson was also denied from the starting lineup, but responded with 15 rebounds.

Utah and Phoenix: The Suns lost, at home, 80-87 against Jamaal Tinsley's Jazz. I'm nominating this match as the most depressing game of the night. I don't have too good of an argument for why; there's just something about a game where neither team scores 90, and both teams shoot 45% that I find particularly pathetic. You can't call it a defensive slugfest (unless you brought plenty of salt), and clearly neither team had much to offer in way of offense. It's just a game that should be stricken from the record, lest those who saw it are never able to regain their appreciation for basketball.

Antawn Jamison sighting: Against the mighty Clippers, Jamison played in his first game since D'Antoni decided he was more valuable to the team from the bench (back in mid-December). He responded with one rebound in 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Way to stick it to Pringles, Antawn.  

The Lakers: C'mon, you didn't really think they'd win did you? I mean, they were playing the Clippers after all. The battle for LA's soul was fought and won by the Purple & Gold's former towel boys. Do you hear that? That's the sound of 3 million fair weather fans ordering a Chris Paul jersey.   

Lacktion:

Cavaliers-Bobcats: DeSagana Diop fouled someone in his 1 minute and 48 seconds for a +1 suck differential. 

Bulls-Heat: Mike Miller spent 10 minutes and 14 seconds on the court, and only came away with a +1 suck differential. Joel Anthony was awarded the same distinction in 7 minutes and 11 seconds.  

Rockets-Bucks: The Bucks' Marquis Daniels indulged his masochistic tendencies and with a +3 suck differential in 3 minutes and 11 seconds. James Anderson of the Rockets watched Failure to Launch in his basement after fizzling his way to a +1 suck differential in 2:37. Greg Smith wasn't invited, despite going for a 2 trillion in the same time frame.  

Jazz-Suns: According to the AP, Mo Williams appeared in this game for a 41 second Mario, but the folks at Basketball-Reference (who are far less prone to having their heads up their asses) say he hasn't played since December 22nd. It's therefore not without some skepticism that I report, Jeremy Evans went without statistical accomplishment for 2 minutes and 26 seconds. 

Clippers-Lakers: Ryan Hollins of the Clippers may have only played for a minute and 10 seconds and earned a +1 suck differential, but he's still more popular in LA right now than Dwight Howard. 

Saturday:

It's like ballet, without music or grace

The Timberwolves: They lost to a divisional rival, but honestly with Kevin Love breaking his hand again, that doesn't even make for a drop of sadness in their ocean of despair. Somebody's gotta convince these guys to try a purifying dip in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. And that someone is Prince, before he rides away on his purple motorcycle laughing.

David Kahn thought that he'd be merciful on the heart conditions of his fans, announcing recently that Love would be out for, 'a number of weeks'. Something tells me that it isn't a good number if he's afraid to get more specific. 
 
The 76ers: The Sixers built on their weekend of inevitable and unremarkable defeats, losing to the Spurs by 23 points. No Spur had to put in a full half hour, unlike Dorrell Wright, who played 31 minutes and 26 minutes for Philadelphia without scoring a point. The only lead for the Sixers came on the game's opening basket, after that it was all Spurs. I was going to include the video of Ginobli shaking Evan Turner and driving for a dunk, but I found a mark of Zorro that was even more humiliating. 


It's not every day that I have an excuse to use the word Nutmeg. Actually, scratch that, there's always an excuse.

The Bucks: The Broped kept struggling to live up to unrealistic expectations, while Roy Hibbert did something crazy and actually lived up to his. His 20 points tied a season-high, while his 15 rebounds did one better and set a season-high, and his 11 offensive rebounds rose all the way to a career-high. He also threw in 5 blocks for good measure. This game came exactly a week after his worst showing of the season, where his only positive stat in 20 minutes against the Hawks was a single rebound.

Brandon Jennings had a particularly rough night, converting on only 4 of his 15 attempts. Afterwards, Scott Skiles was strangely sympathetic towards his mercurial guard.

It's been tough on him these two nights with a back-to-back because he's had tough matchups these last couple games.

Wait a doggone second here—is Scott Skiles, even momentarily, not being a Red Forman-esque hard-ass? Fire him immediately.  

Rajon Rondo versus the NBA: Not that anybody particularly noticed or cared at the time, but Rajon Rondo did it again, and by "it" I mean he bumped a ref and got suspended. It's tempting to say that such an obviously intelligent player should be able to learn from his mistakes, but that misses the point—Rajon is a NBA Superhero, and like many a great NBA Superhero before him, sometimes he just can't help himself.

The Purple Paupers: The Kings came to Brooklyn and lost by 20 points. If you take away DeMarcus Cousin's 28 points and 11 rebounds, the rest of the team would've scored 65 points on under 35% shooting and only grabbed 30 rebounds. I think the solution to Sacramento's problems is pretty obvious: trade DeMarcus Cousins.

The Jazz: Despite having been given a Mario on Friday by the myopic AP, Mo William hasn't played since December 22nd, and after right thumb surgery he's expected to miss another 6 weeks. In case you don't know, that means over a month of the Jazz starting Jamaal Tinsley—unless of course their city wide search underneath highway overpasses turns up somebody drunk enough to try being their starting point guard.

Was it awkward for you too, baby?

The latest team to benefit from this sad state of affairs was the Denver Nuggets, who watched Tinsley wheeze his way to 5 points (surpassing his season average) in the mile high atmosphere. The Nuggets have now won 21 games in a row when they reach 100 points, and on Saturday they climbed all the way to 110. You know what that means. 4 Tacos for a dollar!

The Warriors: It's nice that, despite their recent successes, the Clippers still find ways to play with a chip on their shoulders—nice, that is, unless you're not a fan of watching the Warriors being shoved slowly into a wood chipper. The Clippers, who were basically just spending the game in search of the perfect alley-oop, led 96-60 when Vinnie relented and pulled Paul and Griffin. Luckily that was not before Chris and DJ did this:


Or this...


I think they might've found that perfect alley-oop they were searching for... Mark Jackson was not amused, and during the next time out attempted to stare down the Clipper bench, Ivan Drago style. Jackson addressed this curious course of action, saying:

It was just a good old-fashioned heavyweight championship staredown. That's all...But they earned the right to celebrate, the way they played. So what you've got to do as a coach or as a player is just let it soak in and remember it.

I guess his team (bloody Apollo Creed) was in no condition to make eye contact.

Lacktion:

Pacers-Bucks: Ben Hansbrough could've used his big brother's help as he fell 5 seconds short of a 2 trillion. 

Celtics-Hawks: John Jenkins played 3 minutes and 19 seconds but didn't end up with any more stats than Ben Hansbrough.

Knicks-Magic: Chris Copeland realized that this lacktion section needed some more flavor, so he missed a shot and committed a foul and a turnover for a +3 suck differential in 4 minutes and 8 seconds.

Clippers-Warriors: Even though he was the active player who looked most like Dolph Lundgren, Andris Biedrens didn't have more to contribute in this heavyweight brutalization than a 4:1 Voskuhl in 3:37.

Sunday:

Cartier Martin shields his face as Lebron drives

 
The Wizards: One look at the box score tells it all: the Heat's top performer was some guy named Lebron James, while the Wizards were led by international superstar Cartier Martin. Needless to say, the Wizards got their asses handed to them, in this particular instance by 28 points. Garrett Temple, possibly having been informed that he plays for the Wizards, eased off his recent quality play, ending up with 0 points in 32 minutes after missing all 7 of his shots. Jordan Crawford also attempted 7 shots, but he was fortunate enough to hit one of them; although judging by his less than 15 minutes played off the bench, that's about all the luck to come his way recently. Even Nene, usually the green oasis in the Wizards' desert of crapitude, only made 1 of his 6 shots.  

The Heat provided their opponents with a classic gotcha game, creating the illusion that the two teams were competing before pulling away by scoring the final 21 points of the game while keeping the Wizards from scoring for the last 7 minutes. This loss was compounded for Washington fans by the recent knee injury of Robert Griffin III, which, unlike another Wizards loss, is something people actually care about.

The Bobcats, sorry force of habit, The Pistons: Playing at home, the Pistons found their undoing by committing twice as many turnovers and converting a dozen less freebies than the Carolina Cats. The Pistons led 82-79 going into the 4th quarter, but from then on they only scored 19 points, including in overtime.

The Suns: Let me ask you a serious question for a moment... Do you know who P.J. Tucker is? You're reading this blog, so it's a safe bet that you're a basketball fan. Can you close your eyes and picture P.J. Tucker? Well whether or not you can recall his face, P.J. Tucker is the player who led the Suns in scoring Friday night, and none of his teammates got closer to him than 5 points. This might have something to do with why they lost to the Grizzlies by 11 points, or it could all be a wild coincidence. It's hard to say. I bet you can picture Michael Beasley though, DNP-CD.

Well, at least they're getting along

The Lakers: Pau Gasol's nose would not stop bleeding. The game couldn't go on until he could shoot his freethrows, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. An assistant held a towel beneath his nose as the blood kept flowing. His face grew paler, and you could tell by his expression that Pau had begun to wonder if the bleeding would ever stop. The Staples Center crowd could only sit and wonder the same thing—the game out of reach, the moment an awkward formality that ended with Gasol heading to the locker room and George Karl selecting Earl Clark to make the journey from the Lakers' bench to the free throw line. Clark made both free throws and joined Jordan Hill, also 2 points, as one of two Lakers to score in the 4th besides Kobe.

The night had begun with a rare sense of hope for Pau. At half time he had scored 11 points on 5-6 shooting—yet a glance at his final line, 11 points on 5-9 shooting, quickly shows how the rest of his evening went. And then he ran into JaVale McGee's outstretched elbow with his nose. The Lakers continued to play their game of chicken with logic, insisting on playing from the outside, despite the glaring disparity between Kobe and MWP making 16 of their 39 shots versus Pau and Dwight making 11 of their 16. Dwight also tied his career-high 26 rebounds, but for now it's his late missteps that feel more prominent. One such moment occurred immediately after his 25th rebound, when he took the last gasp of the Lakers, trailing by 4, and threw it directly into Javale McGee's outstretched hands. It was just that kind of a night for Dwight, who also turned what could have been a huge defensive block into a perfect pass to Gallinari, who was standing, '02 WCF Horry-like, in wait at the three point line. Hey Dwight, in the unlikely event that you're reading this, you might want to follow this link.  

Lacktion:

Heat-Wizards: Chris Singleton of the Wizards accumulated no stats in 1 minute and 46 seconds.

Thunder-Raptors: DeAndre Liggins plays for the Thunder, which you can ascertain from his +1 suck differential in 2 minutes and 54 seconds. 

Grizzlies-Suns: Tony Wroten and Josh Selby quit hibernating for long enough to become Mario Brothers. Wroten is to be commended however for grabbing a rebound in a mere 16 seconds. It's too bad that's all the time he got, seeing that he was on a 135 rebounds per 36 minutes pace.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Antawn Jamison, AP mistakes, Broped, Jamaal Tinsley, Keith Smart, Lakers Death Roll, Michael Beasley, Minnesota Timberwolves Injuries, Nutmeg, Rocky references, Rondo, scott skiles

Toronto Raptors: This is from Basketbawful reader Colin. "Pretty sure you are going to put them there, but after what I saw tonight I just wanted to make sure. The Toronto Raptors. (I'm a Raptors fan, hurts to say this.) Not only were they the FIRST team to be eliminated from the playoffs this season, but the ATLANTA HAWKS have done better than them in their series against a BETTER TEAM than the Raptors lost to. Thats not right."

Well, it's hard to fault the Raptors too much, because they clearly lost to a suprior team. However, I can't help but wonder why the Magic were superior. On paper, Toronto should have been a pretty equal match for Orlando, both in terms of regular season wins and in a playoff showdown. The glaring problems I can see are bad coaching, the point guard two-stepping, the highly inconsistent play of Mr. Former Number One Draft Pick, the lack of production from free agent acquisition Jason Kapono...you know what? Never mind. It's suddenly very obvious that the dinos have problems 'o plenty. It'll be interesting to see what Bryan Colangelo does this offseason.

Special note!! For those of you who misunderstood the previous paragraph, I was talking about the Raptors season as a whole. Not just the five-game playoff sample. So yes, Bargs sucked the entire series, but was inconsistent for most of the season. Kapono mysteriously showed up for the playoffs after not producing for most of the season. Is that clear enough?

Andrea Bargnani: After watching Bargs commit his second foul in the first half minute of the game, my very first thought was, "Oh boy, I'm going to be hearing about this from Shrugz." Sure enough, a few minutes later I had the following e-mail waiting in my inbox: "Bargnani 2 fouls in the first 20 seconds. HAHAHAHHAHA! Too funny." Bargnani ended up playing only 15 minutes and finished with 4 points, 1 rebound, 2 assists, 3 fouls and one badly missed three-pointer that missed the rim entirely. Amazingly, his replacement was even worse...

Rasho Nesterovic: Note that Rasho had been on fire for a month and a half until Toronto's soon-to-be ex-coach Sam Mitchell benched him for Bargnani. And that pretty much killed Rasho's mojo. He was used in relief last night and responded with zero points, 2 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls in just under 9 minutes of lack-tion.

T.J. Ford: Will T.J. still be the starter next season? Will he even be on the team? If the Raptors want to improve, the answer to those questions really should be "no" and "no." Ford shot poorly (6-for-14) and 4 of the team's 6 turnovers. He looks for his own shot too often, and he tends to force the action -- his action -- when the Toronto offense stalls. In retrospect, Jose Calderon's self-benching might have been the worst thing to happen to this team going into the playoffs.

Marcin Gortat: The Warlock didn't quite play four minutes (3:55), nor did he achieve a three trillion because he grabbed a single rebound. He even failed at failing. (Okay. I'll admit. I only included Marcin because I like typing his last name.)

The Atlanta Hawks Bandwagon: This is from Basketbawful reader Craig. "Mike Bibby the Hypocrite. Sure he can talk a big game about the supposed fair-weather Boston fans, but I would ask him this question: Atlanta was notorious for having very low attendance during the regular season the past couple of years. Now all of a sudden because they made the playoffs, the place is sold out and the fans are actually giving them a homecourt advantage. Where were all those closet fans during the rebuilding years and even this season? Next time you want to talk about another team's fans how about you look at your own first." The only correction I'd made to Craig's rant is changing "the past couple of years" to "the past couple of decades." Seriously. Half of the arena was empty even during the latter half of the Dominique Wilkins era.

The Boston Bench: This is from Basketbawful reader friesenth: "I've totaled the Celtics bench stats from nba.com, minus James Posey who actually contributed in a positive way. Cassell, Big Baby, House and Powe combined for an incredible 3 points, 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 fouls, and 1 turnovers in nearly 40 minutes of total playing time. That's the spark you want off the bench. Maybe all those concerns about their depth are finally starting to come true." [Checks the box score] Ummm, uhhhh, ummm...

The Atlanta Bench: They provided a total of 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting, although they did contribute 12 rebounds and 2 assists. Although 9 of those rebounds and both of those assists were from Josh Childress. So were the 4 points. Take Josh out of the equation and the Hawk reserve corps had zero points, 3 rebounds, a blocked shot, and four fouls.

Shaky officiating: Look, I generally hate it when fans cry "foul" after their team loses. But the Celtics got hosed by the officials last night. Boston started out on fire, taking a 16-3 lead, and looked firmly in control of the game. Things started to fall apart when Josh Smith pulled off two amazing blocked shots on Rajon Rondo. So amazing, in fact, that they weren't technically legal. Smith fell on top of Rondo after the first block, and on the second block Smith got all ball and all body...and last time I checked, the body still isn't part of the ball.

Look, I get it. David Stern was on hand for the game, and the Commish likes to see competitive series. In fact, he was interviewed during the game and you could tell -- despite his rictus-like grin -- that he's disappointed the Suns-Spurs and Nuggets-Lakers series are ending early (unless Phoenix pulls off a miracle tonight). And there's no question that, from the referees perspectives, it's better to "let them play," especially when a home team does something spectacular that gets the crowd on its feet.

But those two blocks not only killed the Celtics' momentum, it set a physical tone that clearly favored the Hawks, who got a little more benefit of the doubt from the refs (which resulted in a 33-18 freethrow advantage, although the final four FTs came from desperation fouls by the C's). I'm not saying Atlanta didn't play with heart and fire, and I'm not saying Boston didn't have a fair share of missed shots. But I can't quite shake the feeling that the zebras cast a shadow over this game.

Paul Pierce: He totally boned a layup in the final minute that would have pulled the Celtics to within two and given them a much better shot at stealing the game. Truth got free and just lost the ball on the way up...and his expression as it happened was totally comical, in that tragic "I just lost my team the game" kind of way.

Kevin Garnett: KG, angry and frustrated, hit Zaza Pachulia with an elbow and then tried to play it off as if he was merely trying to explain to a nearby official that he had been elbowed. C'mon, Kevin. We're not stupid. But that move was.

Zaza Pachulia: It's good that he didn't back down, but going face to face with Garnett? And even going so far as to butt heads with KG? That was almost as stupid as Garnett's elbow. Unless Zaza was trying to pull a Robert Horry. (And, in fact, it looked like Kendrick Perkins stepped on the court and might be suspended for Game 5.) It's telling that Garnett, while he didn't back down at all, also didn't escalate things. Maturity...or the fact that he knew he was in the wrong?

David Stern: His reaction to the Garnett-Pachulia showdown was priceless. I haven't seen an old guy in that much distress since watching my buddy's grandpa try to get out of a beanbag chair.

Mario West: He had 19 seconds in Game 4. [Cue the sad music.]

Denver Nuggets: When an eighth seed that barely made the playoffs waits until a first-round elimination game to finally give their all, good things usually don't happen for them (the Suns' Game 4 win notwithstanding). In retrospect, maybe things would have been different if 'Melo had called out his team a little earlier.

Carmelo's critics: It sure seemed like everybody and their brother wanted to label 'Melo's "We quit" rant as a lack of maturity on his part, while Kobe's decimation of his teammates and Lakers management over he summer was just "shaken' trees." Oh, and of course Larry Bird's denunciation of his teammates as "sissies" and "a bunch of women" during the 1984 NBA Finals is the stuff of legend. It's yet another case of the winning double-standard. If you are winning or have won in the past, you get a free pass to blast teammates or roast your team. But if you don't win...if you can't even get out of the first round...well, then, you're an immature malcontent who needs to shut his mouth.

But Anthony was right to do what he did, and his team responded with their best gamae of the series, even if they still lost anyway. It's too bad for them that 'Melo didn't speak up, say, 25 or 30 games ago. Maybe Denver would have solved some of their problems a little sooner.

George Karl, quote machine: "My wish would be that we had four games like tonight and we all could have been happier. I’ve said all along, when they play the right way, they're fun guys to coach." And if wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean. But as long as you're having fun, coach, we're all happy for you. (But not really.)

Pau Gasol: Dude, I know you're all happy-as-kittens about finally getting out of the first round of the playoffs, but speaking for NBA fans everywhere, we don't want to see your doughy belly. Not even that man-woman in the bottom right of the picture.

Reggie Miller: Ah, Reggie. His awesomeness knows no human boundaries. Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm sent in this very enjoyable exchange between Reggie and Marv Albert from last night's Lakers-Nuggets game.

Reggie: "A lot of questions have been about the Denver Nuggets. This, so far, has been their best half of basketball."

Marv: "Although they have given up 62 points in this first half. And they were down by as man as 13. And are down 10..."

Matt (in absentia): "Definitely, Reg. Best half. Just try not to, you know, speak, Reg."

NBA.com historians: Basketbawful reader Dan from South Australia doesn't appreciate the fact that The League's official Web site is ignorent of its own history. "From this article: 'Toronto made the playoffs in 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2007. They were eliminated in the first round in three of their four postseason appearances. The only time they won a first-round series was in 2001, when they beat the New Jersey Nets in six games, and lost to the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals in five games.' History is fun, making up history is funner. The only first-round series win was in 2001, but they beat New York 3-2 and then lost to Philly 4-3 (the notorious Carter-needs-to-graduate-before-game-7 series...maybe NBA.com is trying to erase the VC years from memory too)."

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, referees, Toronto Raptors

The San Antonio Spurs: Everybody always talks about what a competitive bastard Kobe Bryant is, but what about those Spurs, huh? They must have seen the video I posted of Zach Randolph's poop stew of a possession and said, "You think that sucked, Basketbawful? Well, we're going to show you craptastic suckitude on a grand and historic level. And then we'll win anyway." And I'll be damned if they weren't as good as the words I imagined they said. The defending champs scored five points -- five points!! -- in the first quarter, setting new franchise lows in points, field goals made (1-for-17), and field goal percentage (6) in a single 12-minute session.

Fun fact: The Spurs' previous low in points for a quarter was eight, which they most recently had on Christmas Day in 2005 at Detroit.

The Atlanta Hawks: When you hold your opponent to five points on 6 percent shooting in the first quarter, you're probably well on your way to a nice, easy win. Unless, of course, you are the Atlanta Hawks, who have been snatching defeat from the jaws of victory since 1968. And make no mistake: This loss was a group effort. The Hawks shot 33 percent as a team and committed 22 turnovers. All-Star Joe Johnson hit only 5-of-12 shots and threw the ball away 6 times. Mike Bibby couldn't throw a ping pong ball in the ocean (1-for-11). Josh Smith shot 2-for-12 and lost the ball 8 times. Mario Williams scored a one trillion. Say it with me once again: They are who we thought they were.

Marquis Daniels: A woman was allegedly raped at Daniels' home during a "small gathering." According to the police, Daniels is not a suspect. Said Daniels: "I don't know what happened. I wasn't involved." He wasn't involved in a small gathering held at his own house? What, did a roving band of criminals break in and decide to throw a rape party? I doubt it. Brawls, shootings, more shootings, mascot assault and battery...am I the only person who's tired of seeing random Pacers in the Indianapolis police blotter? Or am I the last Pacers fan alive? Anyone out there? Anyone? Bueller?

Travis Diener: I'm not going to going to mention the whole "name rhymes with wiener" thing -- oops, I mentioned it -- because the real issue was his 2-for-10 shooting performance. What, the Pacers miss Jamaal Tinsley so much they replaced him with sombody who shoots even worse? Diener's hitting 33 percent of his shots on the season. He's only hit 50 percent of his shots once in 10 games this month, and he's had nights of 2-for-8, 1-for-7, 2-for-8 again, 1-for-7 again, 2-for-6, and 3-for-9. I thought white guards were supposed to be able to shoot. That's what they do, right? Shoot?

Andrea Bargnani: His 25-point discharge against the Knicks had me a little worried. I thought I was going to lose one of my favorite human dartboards. But, again, he is who we thought he was: 2 points (1-for-5) and 3 turnovers. Not his worst game by any stretch of the imagination, but it merits Worst of the Night mention since it immediately followed so many foolishly raised expectations.

Kirk Hinrich: Captain Kirk set his phaser to "suck" last night, scoring zero points (0-for-2) to go along with 2 assists and 3 turnovers in 11 minutes of playing time. Oh, and did I mention he got tossed near the end of the first half for arguing with referee Monty McCutchen that a loose ball was knocked out of bounds by Jason Kidd. Getting yourself ejected when your team is up by 30 is kind of stupid, but getting thrown out when your team is in a dog fight against a good team on the road is [puts on Bill Walton hat] selfish, irresponsible, self-aggrandizing, and just plain terrible.

Luol Deng: He scored 10 points on 3-for-9 shooting, which isn't the strongest case for Worst of the Night status, until you consider that John Paxson absolutely refused to trade for Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, or even Kobe Bryant if Deng was to be included in the trade. How'd that work out for you, Pax?

Bill Simmons: The man who consistently loses out to his wife on NFL picks bashed the Jason Kidd trade because Kidd can't shoot (5-for-7 last night), can't get to the hole anymore (3-for-4 on layups), can't make things any easier for Dirk (29 points, 10 rebounds), and Jerry Stackhouse is washed up (23 points, 7-for-11). Good calls, one and all, Bill. Sure, it's only one game, and it was against the Bulls. But still...

J.R. Smith: He faked Chauncey Billups out on a crossover and drew a foul with 6.5 seconds remaining and the Nuggets down by two. Then he went and gonked both freethrows and the Pistons went on to win 98-93. Hey, maybe the Detroit fans distracted hi...wait, what? They were playing in Denver? Never mind, then. Said Smith: "I feel awful." No. You feel basketbawful. Edit: My bad, guys and gals. Basketbawful reader Andrew correctly informed me that the Nuggets were down three when Smith got fouled on a three-point attempt. Smith made the first 'throw, boned the second, then intentionally missed the third. It is, nonetheless, still awful.

Marcus Camby: While I'm dissing on the Nuggets, let's not forget Mr. "I shoulda been an All-Star" Camby, who shot 1-for-8 last night. He was 0-for-1 on layups and 1-for-7 on jumpers. Only one of his shots -- the layup -- came in the paint. He's a center, right? Thinks he should have been an All-Star center, right? Okay. Just checking.

The Los Angeles Clippers: You know what? Forget it. They've been through enough.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Bill Simmons, Kirk Hinrich, Los Angeles Clippers, luol deng, Marcus Camby, Marquis Daniels, San Antonio Spurs

Denver Nuggets supporting cast: Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson (before he got ejected) played pretty well last night; both guys actually shot 50 percent or better for a change. But Anthony Carter (zero points, 0-for-5), Marcus Camby (4 points, 2-for-6), Eduardo Najera (zero points, 0-for-5), Linas Kleiza (5 points, 2-for-8), and Yakhouba Diawara (zero points, 0-for-4) were very not good. When five of the eight players who actually played shoot 4-for-28, you're probably going to lose, especially because of the...

Denver Nuggets defense: Atlanta is much improved this season (which isn't hard, considering they were 30-52 last season). But they're hardly great, particularly offensively. They score 94.7 PPG (23rd in the league) on 44.5 percent shooting (21st in the league). Yet last night they scored 104 points on 52 percent shooting (despite Al Horford's 3-for-11 brickbuster).

Cancer: Nene is going to be out of the Denver lineup indefinitely after having a testicular tumor removed. Cancer sucks. And hearing about a testicular tumor makes my balls hurt, which sucks even more. Doctors won't know whether the tumor was cancerous until they receive the biopsy results. Let's all hope for the best for Nene, huh?

John Paxson: The Bulls GM was a guest on the Mike North Morning Show on WSCR-AM (670) yesterday, and he said that everyone in the Bulls' organization, including team chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, thinks that the players' group decision to bench Joakim Noah one additional game for screaming at assistant coach Ron Adams was ''outstanding.'' Here's the thing though: Noah had already been suspended one game by interim coach Jim Boylan. But the players, being the players, obviously feel that they know better than the coaching staff, or management for that matter. These are the same players who tuned out and quit on Scott Skiles, leading to the "coach who turned things around" getting fired on freakin' Christmas eve. However, Paxson wants us to believe that this sudden showing of "veteran leadership" from the previously MIA Ben Wallace and "He's still on the team?" Adrian Griffin is a good thing, and furthermore that it's a sign the players are taking ownership of and responsibility for the team's season-long struggle to not suck. Suuuuuure. Speaking of the Bulls sucking...

Chicago Bulls: Hooray for team unity, right? The Bulls got outscored 32-10 in the third quarter on their way to their second straight blowout loss since Noahgate. Some Bulls hopefuls are pointing to the fact that the team was undermanned -- Kirk Hinrich missed the game with back spasms and Andres Nocioni left early due to a bruised left hip -- but who are they kidding? They way this team is playing, they would have lost even if Jesus was in their starting lineup. But at least then they'd have some yummy wine and bread. Anyway, the Bulls "nice guy" coach finally snapped. Said Boylan: "We had a lack of effort all the way across the board by just about everybody. Our defense is soft and anemic at times and we just seem to be casual with the ball. If we want to get ourselves right, we have to change the way we're playing." Uh, you're totally right Jim, but it's kind of your job to change the way the team is playing.

By the way, I would be willing to bet my collection of porcelain Larry Bird dinnerware that the Heat end their 10-game losing streak tonight at the Bulls' expense.

Washington Wizards: Okay, first off, any team that loses to the Knicks this season gets an automatic mention in Worst of the Night. But how do you come off back-to-back wins over the Celtics and then lose to the Knicks?! I mean, Tough Juice was talking about winning a championship yesterday! Then his team goes out and shoots 39 percent (compared to 51 percent for the Knicks). Even more embarrassing is the fact that the Knicks, who are dead-last in the league in assists per game, had twice as many dimes as the Wizards (26 to 13). According to a complex mathematical algorithm I just made up, that makes Washington twice as selfish as the most selfish team in the league. Antawn Jamison thinks his team didn't tie their shoes last night: "It's one thing to say you beat the best team in the league back-to-back and all of a sudden you come back, lose to a team that's won what, 11 games before tonight? You've still got to lace them up. You've still got to be focused enough and you've still got to bring the energy early in the game. And for us those were the things that pretty much lost the game for us."

Andrea Bargnani: Sophomore slump? More like sophomore suck. Bargnani had his fifth zero-point outing of the season, thanks to 0-for-4 shooting. If there's anyone capable of dethroning Kwame Brown as the King of the Worst Number One Overall Picks Ever, it's Bargnani.

Tayshaun Prince: His team won, but not because of his 6 points and 3-for-8 shooting. Although that was a giant step up from Sunday's dreadful zero point, 0-for-10 performance against the Knicks. Are we sure that Prince hasn't been replaced by a body double, ala Hannah Montana?

Golden State Warriors: Sure, they beat the Minnesota Timberwolves. Whoop-de-friggin'-do. They gave up 26 points (on 10-for-15 shooting!) and 10 rebounds to Antoine Walker. It was Walker's best scoring game since he scored 32 points against the Raptors on April 11, 2006. I'm going to file a protest with the league, because as far as I'm concerned, giving up 26 points to Antoine Walker consitutes a loss, even if you outscore the other team by 200 points.

Minnesota Timberwolves: In case it escaped your notice, Antione Walker was the team's top performer against the Warriors. That will always get your team mentioned in Worst of the Night.

Darko Milicic: He played only five minutes last night due to "right knee soreness." But he still managed to contribute 2 points (1-for-4) and 2 rebounds. Which sucks.

The Media: Everybody was falling all over themselves yesterday to praise Kobe Bryant and his 48 points, and they were very quick to defend him for taking 44 shots to do it. Because they were all good shots, right? Yeah. All 44 were good shots. That's why he missed 23 of them? I would argue that if Kobe Bryant is the greatest scorer in the league, and he got 44 "good" shots, then shouldn't he have hit at least half of them, if not more than half of them? I tend to think so. Especially after Lebron scored 51 points last night in only 28 shots. For those of you who enjoy simple math, that's three more points than Kobe scored on 16 fewer shot attempts. And he hit 18 of those shots (64 percent). And he had 9 assists (compared to Kobe's 2). That, my friends, is an efficient, unselfish performance.

For those of you who are arguing that all of Kobe's shots against Seattle were good shots, let's take a look at his shot chart from that game:


As you can see, he was 2-for-9 from three-point range. Now, the shot chart provides detailed information about each shot (thanks, CBS Sportsline). Three of Kobe's three-pointers were lofted from at least 30 feet out (30, 31, and 33 feet to be precise). Look, I know Kobe's good and all, but is a 30-foot shot ever really a good shot? I'm talking percentages here. Two more were hoisted from 28 feet away. I feel the need to point out the obvious here, but the further you go from the basket, the lower the percentage chance that your shot will go in. That's Basketball 101, people.

The bottom line: Love on Kobe all you want. Really. But please don't try to defend his 44-shot bombing run by telling me that they were all good shots, okay?

[Okay. I must now clense myself for praising Lebron.]

Update: Additional insight from Basketbawful reader Chris: "That basketball-reference.com site you linked in the above article isn't half bad. After looking over it some, Kobe's latest 44 FG attempt game ranks as the 6th highest FG attempts in a game...of all time. Spots 2, 4, and 5 on the all time list are also taken by him, as well as about 1/4 of the rest of them listed. Conversely, Kobe's 48 points didn't even make their leaderboard. It stops at 100 positions, with 51 being the lowest."

Houston Rockets: Ah, there's nothing quite like letting a celler-dwelling team like the Sixers end their seven-game losing streak against you. But here's what I find both confusing and (if I'm a Rockets fan) horrifying: Yao Ming, the team's leading scorer, got 11 shots, while Rafer Alston got 17 and Luther Head got 20. You read that correctly: Luther Head shot the ball 20 times. That should be a good week for Head, not a single game. That ties his career-high, by the way (the other time came against the Warriors on December 15, 2006). It's not even the number of shot attempts in and of itself that bothers me; it's the fact that he only hit six of them. Was there any legitimate reason for Head to continue shooting at that rate? Do you think Rick Adelman saw the box score after the game and made that whiny face he used to make when his Blazers and Kings teams used to choke games in the playoffs? I like to think so.

Phoenix Suns: Everything that's wrong with this team was on display again last night. Bad defense (the Clippers shot a season-high 52.5 percent). Bad rebounding (the Clips pounded the Suns on the boards 47-36). Steve Nash couldn't keep a hand in the opposing point guard's face (38-year-old Sam Cassell broke out of a four-game 7-for-31 slump to score 32 points on 15-of-21 shooting). And Amare Stoudemire couldn't keep the opposing center off the glass (Chris Kaman had 18 rebounds, 5 of which were offensive). These problems were compounded by the fact that the Suns couldn't score, either: 90 points (20 below their average) on 40 percent shooting (9 percentage points below their average). An ugly game, and an ugly loss for the Suns. And it bodes ill for Thursday night's rematch with the Lakers.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, cancer, Chicago Bulls, Darko, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, Houston Rockets, john paxson, media, Minnesota Timberwolves, Phoenix Suns, Washington Wizards

"Got your nose!!
Larry Hughes: The Cavs dropped a 117-116 overtime decision to the Magic, despite a virtuoso 39/14/15 performance from Lebron James. Cleveland might have pulled this one out if Hughes hadn't shot a pathetic 2-12 from the field. This guy is making $12 million this season. Shouldn't he be able to make a jumpshot too?

Andrea Bargnani: The Raptors' former number one overall draft pick scored 2 points on 1-11 shooting, as Utah edged Toronto 92-88. What's amazing is that Bargnani managed to suck that badly in only 15 minutes of action. When you average almost one missed shot per minute, well, that's not good. The kid was so far off last night that he probably missed the bench after Sam Mitchell yanked him out of the game. Meanwhile, Andre Kirilenko hit only one of six shots, but he had a team-high 11 assists. The Russian Rifle is now averaging 11 PPG, 7 RPG, 7 APG, 2.5 BPG, and almost 2 SPG. Looks like Sloan's compliments are working.

Indiana Pacers: The Pacers suffered their fifth straight loss after getting blown out by an equally awful Wizards team. You know what's wrong with the Pacers? Jermaine O'Neal. I'm completely serious. The Pacers started out the season on fire. Everybody was involved in the offense, cutting without the ball, passing, getting high percentage shots. It's no coincidence that O'Neal missed the first game and played a reduced role in the next couple. Now that he's back to getting big minutes and lots of shots, the team's offensive production has dropped. You know why? Because when the ball goes to him in the low post, it doesn't come back out, and then you have four other guys just standing around and watching him. I guess that would be okay if he hit a high percentage of his shots, but he's shooting 38 percent from the field! So sure, he may end up with All-Star, or close to All-Star numbers, but he's killing the rest of the team.

Emeka Okafor: Mr. Chukwuemeka Noubuisi Okafor showed the world last night why he turned down the Bobcats' generous $55 million contract extension offer, scoring 6 points (3-9) and grabbing 8 rebounds. It seems that Okafor wants Dwight Howard money (five years, $85 million) despite the fact that he doesn't put up Dwight Howard numbers or put in Dwight Howard time; Okafor's only played 93 (out of a possible 164) games the last two seasons.

Vince Carter: Hmm, guess who was missing from the Celtics/Nets game last night? That's right, it was Vince "I just signed a huge contract extension so I'm going to stop caring" Carter. Yes, I know he was technically out with a sprained ankle, but he wasn't exactly lighting it up in the six games he did play: 17 PPG (on 39 percent shooting), 5 RPG, 4 APG. That's a pretty steep dropoff from last year's 25/6/5 (and 45 percent shooting). Can you say Contract Year Phenomenon? And is anyone the least bit surprised?

Miami Heat: Wow. Not even trash talk from Pat Riley and the return of Dwyane Wade could alter the Heat's trance-like play. Riley threatened to suit up and play after the previous night's defeat, and he went off again after the team's 104-95 loss to the Sonics: "Unless you feel like you have something at stake or something to lose as a player, then things won't change. If you don't feel like the Heat mean something to you...you have to have a real meeting with yourself about what you care about. I don't see a team that really feels like they have anything at stake here. They come in, they play, they get beat, they go home, they go out into the night." Way to toss your team to the wolves there, Pat. I'm sure they'll want to give you their best effort next time. Meanwhile, Smuch Parker, the team's big offseason pickup, hit zero of his four shots and is shooting 28 percent for the season.

Hornets / Sixers: Exhibit B in the case of "The NBA season is too damn long and has too many meaningless games."

Tracy McGrady: Well, T-Mac has officially suffered his first semi-serious injury of the season (strained right elbow). We all knew it was going to happen, we just didn't know when. Without their closer, the Rockets lost 93-90 to the Lakers. I feel bad for McGrady, but at least I feel better about advising my friend not to trade Duncan for McGrady in his fantasy league.

Phil Jackson: You know, I assumed that, after last season's "Tim Hardaway hates gay people" controversy, somebody as intelligent as Phil Jackson would know better than to make a gay joke during a postgame press conference. Well, I was wrong. Jackson has subsequently apologized to "any horses, Texans, cowboys or guys" that he might have offended, and I'm sure he was positively dripping with sincerity when he said that.

New York Knicks: The team fell to 2-5 after an 84-81 loss to the Clippers. On the bright side, they probably would have lost by more if Stephon Marbury had actually shown up and played. Wait...what? He did play? And everything's just fine between he and Isiah now? Are you kidding me? I can't believe this circus is still going on, and on, and on...

Golden State Warriors: Last year's feel-good team is this year's feel-awful team: 0-6 and about to embark on a five-game Eastern Conference road trip. The only good news for the Warriors is that their road trip includes games against the Knicks, Wizards, and 76ers. Do you think this team misses Jason Richardson? And Stephen Jackson? And a Don Nelson that actually gives a crap? I other news, has this team even played defense yet this season? They're giving up 118 PPG on 51 percent shooting, 46 from three-point range. They're also giving up 30 FT attempts per game, and their opponents are averaging 28 assists. They're getting outscored by 11 PPG and getting outrebounded by 10 RPG. That's it, I'm taking the "D" out of their name and giving it back to the Nuggets. From now on, these guys are the Golen State Warriors.

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Emeka Okafor, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James Larry Hughes, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phil Jackson, Stephon Marbury, Tracy McGrady, Vince Carter