(Thanks again to Raza for coming through and putting a bit more effort than Quincy Pondexter did on the court last night!!!)

Labels: guest author, one trillion, Quincy Pondexter, Raza, Worst of the Night

Labels: Allen Iverson, Arco Arena, Desmond Mason, guest author, Kevin Martin, Memphis Grizzlies, one trillion, Sacramento Kings, Suckramento, Zach Randolph

Today's picture was provided by Shayan of Time Intact. Thanks again to everybody who sends in tips, comments, graphics, videos, etc. I'm sorry I don't get the chance to respond to everybody personally...but your contributions to the site are very much appreciated.

Home court disadvantage: Basketbawful reader Baguete made the following observation: "Last night, of 11 games, only three were won by the home team (Boston, Washington and Milwaukee) and all of them by a margin smaller than 10 points (Celts by 1, Wiz by 8 and Bucks by 4). I guess that was not one of the Fan Appreciation Nights."

Hassan Adams: He had a one trillion against the 76ers last night. Hassan has had quite the season so far. He's appeared in three games, earning a three trillion, a Mario and last night's one trillion. That makes his season average a one trillion. That's the textbook definition of FAIL. Seriously. Look it up.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain played pretty well (19 points, 11 rebounds). But I couldn't help but notice that, of the seven shots he missed, four of them were blocked. Who does he think he is? Yao Ming?

Update! Reggie Evans: Mercilessly owned. By Andrea Bargnani. I can think of few things more humiliating than being in Bargnani's poster. (Thanks to Shrugz and his friend for the link.)


The New Jersey Nets: Last night, the Pacers were without injured starters Mike Dunleavy Jr. (knee), Troy Murphy (flu-like symptoms!) and Danny Granger (quad). And they still beat the Nets in New Jersey. Sure, the Nets were without Devin Harris (sprained left ankle), but three missing starters should more than offset one missing starter, right? Unless you're New Jersey, I guess.

By the way, how 'bout T.J. Ford, huh? I've had more than a few unkind things to say about him on this site, but he's been playing his butt off for my Pacers. The dude is listed at 6'0" -- and I'd be willing to bet my collection of hand-knitted Larry Bird boxer shorts that he's at least two inches shorter than that -- and yet he's had three straight near triple-doubles: 13/9/9, 24/7/10 and last night's 18/8/9. Indiana won all three of those games, by the way. (Okay, two of those games were versus the Nets and one was against the Thunder. But still.)

I don't usually do this, but I'm officially taking back some of the things I've said about T.J. He's earned himself a temporary Basketbawful reprieve. Here's a candy bar, T.J. You...you've earned it.

Fun fact: According to the game notes, "[Vince] Carter was hit in the face by teammate [Sean] Williams in the fourth quarter while reaching for a rebound." Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn't. But it wouldn't be the first time a teammate has wanted to hit Vince in the face.

Atlanta versus Boston: WHAT. A. GAME. This contest was about as close as you're going to come to seeng an NBA playoff game in November. Two fired-up teams going balls out, clutch shots, a thrilling ending. There were still a few bad apples, though. Ray Allen's 1-for-9 three-point shooting show. Paul Pierce's 5 turnovers. Boston's bench "production" (13 points on 3-for-17 shooting). Eddie House's remorseless gunnery (2-for-10, including 1-for-7 in threes). Randolph Morris' 4 fouls in 4 minutes. Acie Law IV's 17-second Mario. And Mike Woodson's decision to go small in the second quarter, which wasn't lost on Basketbawful reader Garron: "Atlanta Hawks are up by 14 in the middle of the second. So what does Mike Woodson do? Go small. Very small. So what happens? Perkins, Garnett, Allen and Pierce all just toy with the inside and go on a 16-2 run to tie the game...in 4 minutes."

Quick note on our buddy Mario West. He doesn't get much PT, but he absolutely kills himself when Woodson lets him into the game. Last night, he played one minute and finished with 1 point, 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 steal. That's not a bad minute's work. It's a real bummer that a guy who tries that hard can't get off the bench.

One last thing: Marvin Williams! Dude had 14 huuuuge points and some MAN-type three-pointers (he was 4-for-4 on the night, including a go-ahead bomb with seven seconds left). He's making the people of Atlanta forget all about Josh...what was his name again?

The fans speak: Basketbawful reader Baguete wrote in with the following note on Law's Mario: "Maybe someday he'll write a book called ':17 Seconds Or Less -- My NBA Career.'" You know, I think Mario West is already writing that book...

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was his usual (and somewhat unintentionally) hilarious self in the post-game press conference. Seated next to Paul Pierce, who hit the game-winner with 0.5 seconds left, Garnett said: "The last play was drawn up: Get the ball to Pierce; get the hell out the way. Superman's in the booth. Let's go home. That was the play, and if you don’t believe that ask Doc Rivers and he'll say the same exact thing." It's worth noting that a somewhat humble-sounding Pierce claimed the play was designed for KG to drive to the hoop if the lane was open, but since it wasn't Garnett handed off to him and he took the shot.

The San Antonio Spurs: They lost to the Michael Redd-less Milwaukee Bucks and fell to 2-5...which represents their worst start since going 2-13 in 1996-97. The Bucks also lost Charlie Villanueva in the first half (left hamstring strain), and even that couldn't even things up for a Spurs team that scored 78 points and had only two players (Tim Duncan and Michael Finley) in double figures. As TD said: "The whole thing is frustrating, however you want to look at it."

Update! The Spurs' starting lineup: From Ace: "A whole Worst of the Night without a mention of the Spurs starting lineup? Duncan scored 24 points and the rest of the starters COMBINED for 14 points." Corrected.

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: "If we can hold somebody to 82 points, I'm thrilled. I'm jumping up and down." I would love to see this.

The Utah Jazz: They shot 43 percent, committed 18 turnovers, surrendered 16 offensive rebounds, scored only 87 points and gave the NBA's last winless team their first victory. Congratulations, Jazz. You have failed. Special recognition goes out to Deron Williams (3-for-7, 5 turnovers), Andrei Kirileko (1-for-7, 0-for-3 from downtown) and Paul Milsap (6 fouls, 4 turnovers).

Eddie Jordan, quote machine: "Pat Riley says there's winning and there's misery. Well, for us there's relief and there's misery. So we got relief."

Caron Butler, quote machine: Tough Juice ripped off his jersey in celebration of his team's first win of the season, and explained it thusly: "King Kong was on my back. Throw the jersey off. Sigh of relief."

MAN-type alert: Both Mintz... and AnacondaHL noted in the comments section that Dwight Howard had a MAN-type triple-double (also known as a dirty triple around these parts): 30 points, 19 rebounds and 10 blocked shots. It was such a MAN-type display that several women in his general vicinity spontaneously grew testicles. Try explaining THAT to your boyfriend/husband/life partner.

Update! Fun fact: From Basketbawful reader Marc W: "10: Number of blocks Dwight Howard had in one game last night and also the number of blocks the Knicks have on the season." Actually, I just checked basketball-reference.com, and the Knicks have 11 blocks. But that's still sad.

Stan Van Gundy, stat monger: "I wish [Howard] would have had one more rebound. It would have looked really even on the stat sheet -- 30, 20 and 10."

Dwight Howard, flasher: "I want people to see who I am and not just this mean-looking basketball player. I love fun. I'll block some shots and get some rebounds, but I'll give you a smile and whatever else you want to see." Whatever else you want to see. That's quite an offer, Dwight.

J.J. Redick: The line: Three minutes, 0-for-2, and a suck differential of +2. Which sort of explains why he's gone from sixth man to 12th man. And he's barely holding on to that spot.

Trillion alert: Basketbawful reader Caseta said: "Just heard the trillion mentioned by the commentators of the Magic @ Thunder game. In reference to a semi-pro look-alike guy on the Thunder who just scored a basket." Here's the exchange:

Commentator #1: "Nice to get your name in the scorebox."

Commentator #2: "Yeah, no trillions tonight."

This is the second confirmed mention of the trillion by NBA broadcasters this season. AWESOME.

Russell Westbrook: Happy 20th birthday, Russell! You led the Thunder in field goal attempts (19)! Sadly, you hit only 3 of them. Oh, and you were 0-for-11 in the first half. [Insert saaaaaad saxophone music here.]

P.J. Carlesimo, Coaching Inspiration 101: "It's not fair...if I talk about some guys like they did something good. That implies I'm throwing the other guys under the bus. We're all under the bus tonight."

Dwyane Wade, the good and the bad: Dwyane Wade has been awesome in his first eight games. He's second in the NBA in scoring (28.3 PPG), tied for fourth in assists (7.6 APG), and he leads the league in PER (34.02). For reference, Michael Jordan's career PER was 27.91. Here's the "yeah, but...": He's also leading the league in turnovers at 4.3 per game. And as I recently mentioned in the comments section, this isn't a new thing for Wade; he also led the league last season (4.4) and the season before (4.2). And the season before that, he was second (with 3.6 TOs per) only to Gilbert Arenas (who turned it over 3.7 times a game). So Wade giveth, and Wade taketh away. I'm not trying to understate his overall greatness -- he's playing as well or better than anybody in the league -- but I sure wish he'd be a little more careful with the ball.

Shawn Marion and the mystery groin: He missed last night's game due to a right groin strain. Or, wait, was it a left groin strain? Is it that hard to keep track of which groin Shawn hurt? (Tipped off by the Belgium Dan Marino.)

Greg Oden: Let me just say that I was thrilled to see Oden on the court last night. And he had a couple spiffy moments, like a nice block on Chris Quinn which he followed up with an offensive rebound/slam dunk less than a minute later. But his overall performance was shaky. He played 16 minutes and finished with 3 points (1-for-3), 2 rebounds, 2 blocked shots and 2 turnovers. Moreover, he looked very awkward and out of synch. His footwork was terrible and he seemed to be having a lot of trouble holding onto the ball. He also looked nervous. Maybe he was just overly juiced up; you could tell he wanted very badly to come in and have a big impact. It was only one game, so I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. But damn...he looked positively Ostertag-like.

Update! Raef LaFrentz: From Rainbow Brite: "No mention of Raef LaFrentz? He's like the white, European version of Starbury. It costs The Blazers nearly $13 million for him to hand out cups of Gatorade. That has to be the cushiest job ever, aside from AJ Daulerio's gig at Deadspin." Yeah...I haven't gotten around to bringing Raef up this year. Corrected. (But in all fairness, Raef is earning only $12,722,000. So we should also point out that Portland is paying Steve Francis $17,180,000 this season. Oh, and Darius Miles is getting $9 million. That's almost $40 million for two non-players and one cheerleader. Wow. Why am I not on the Blazers' payroll?!)

The Memphis Grizzlies' defense: They let the Knicks shoot almost 60 percent from the field (52-for-88) and 56 percent from downtown (19-for-34). And those 19 threes represent a Knicks franchise record. Good God, people. Have you even tried putting a hand in somebody's face? I guess not: The Griz have given up 100+ points in last five games. Glad to see coach Iavaroni imported the defensive strategies he used in Phoenix. Speaking of Mark...

Marc Iavaroni, Captain Obvious: "We did not guard the ball well." Noooooo...really?! In other news, water will make you wet and hunger can be cured by eating food.

The New Orleans Hornets: Spotting the Lakers that 23-point lead was awfully nice of them, but it's not exactly a game-winning strategy. Now, Basketbawful reader Trottsta said: "In your Worst of the Night post, make sure you put 'the Hornets not named Chris Paul.' CP3 had 13 FG and 13 assists...out of 34 FGs for the Hornets. So the rest of the team only made 8 FG without him having a direct hand in it. Oh and David West, thanks for spoiling CP3's comeback in the 4th by turning it over 2-3 times in the last two minutes with the Hornets within 4. Appreciate it." Yeah. West finished with 6 turnovers. Mo Pete went 0-for-5 from the field. Peja was 3-for-13. The bench (outside of James Posey) was helpless. As defeats go, this one was pretty disheartening. Yeah, you could point to the comeback, but as Kevin McHale once said after an unsuccessful Celtics rally: "Yeah. And the patient almost lived."

Kobe Bryant, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I just wanted to shoot it in his face."

NBA highlight announcers: From Basketbawful reader Chad M: "At 1:35 of this NBA.com highlights package the announcer calls Pau Gasol 'Peja.'" Well, Chad, you know, all those soft Euro players look alike. How do you tell one bearded marshmallow from the other?

The Phoenix Suns: Steve Kerr and Terry Porter are trying to remake the Suns in the Spurs' image. And, uh, it hasn't been working that well the last few games. Last night, the new slow-it-down Suns scored 82 points on 37 percent shooting and had more turnovers (13) than assists (11). Look, I'm all for the Suns playing a little more defense, but stalling the offense is like owning a Mustang and never driving it faster than 35 MPH. What's the point?

Raja Bell: From Basketbawful reader Clifton: "After starting 6-2, Raja Bell has not stopped whining about his perceived lack of offensive chances. In the East Valley Tribune: 'Honestly, we are a running team. That's what we're built to do. You can see we are confused about what we're doing offensively, whether we want to run it or try to slow it down. And when there is uncertainty, there are turnovers.' He followed up those comments with the following performance tonight vs. Houston: 23 min, 0-6 FG (including 0-2 from three), no FT attempts, 3 rebounds, 0-for-everything else. Let me clear up that 'confusion' for you: That ball you're holding? It goes THROUGH the hoop."

Fashion faux pas: From Basketbawful reader Dave F: "Weird preview shots of Nash and Shaq arriving for their late game with Rockets last night. Weird because they were both wearing vests with jeans. Is that the new look?" I saw the same thing. And laughed. And vowed to bring it up in WotN. Done.

The Suns-Rockets Brawl: It was a catfight in Houston. And here's Slasher 14 with the call: "T-Mac set a screen on Nash where Nash appeared to hurt his shoulder. Next time down the floor Rafer Alston went to set a screen on Matt Barnes, who just pushed him out of the way. Alston ran over after Barnes and a scuffle broke out. When it looked like everything had been cleared up, Nash, who was running over to try and break the fight up, appeared to slip and fell into Alston. McGrady saw this and probably thought he was after Alston, so McGrady pushes an off-balance Nash to the floor. Then Shaq comes in and clears T-Mac out of the way and then gives Yao a push for good measure. It's kind of funny watching Yao fall over: He falls at about half the speed of a normal sized person. Maybe the laws of gravity have a different affect on Yao, which is why he is having trouble dunking this year?" Here's the video. And Slasher's right about Yao. Watch and laugh at his slow-motion fall. It kind of reminds me of Bela Lugosi's slow, stumbling Frankenstein monster in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man.


Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Stephanie G: "During the Houston-Phoenix mini-brawl Hubie Brown said, paraphrasing: 'Alston gets it in two places, by Barnes and then from the rear by Nash, so naturally he's hot.' Mmm, I bet."

Yao Ming: On the subject of the Great Wall, our Yao Watch continues, courtesy of Chuck DeBruce: "Ming had 3 shots blocked last night -- on 14 FGA (all blocks by Shaq, by the way, none by the rim) -- including two 11-footers and a layup. On the bright side, he was able to dunk twice and retributed with two blocks on Amare Stoudemire. Then again, he's still moving like wearing concrete shoes. Is Yao really eight years younger and 15 pounds lighter then Shaq? They looked the same even in the box score."

Here's some more Yao fun, courtesy of Kazam92. Watch Yao get posterized and then push a guy down in frustration. Apparently he's not all Zen and peacefulness.


Ron Artest: That 1-for-12 shooting...wasn't good. Did somebody put snake eggs in his locker or something?

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips lost at home to a Kevin Martin-less Kings team...mostly because they let Beno Udrih go off for 30. And Ricky Davis was their 'top performer.' Yep. They are who we thought they were.

The Chicago Sun-Times: This is a day delayed, but too funny not to mention. In the recap from the Hawks-Bulls game, the Times managed to misspell not one but two player names in back-to-back paragraphs. Torus Thomas? Lull Dens?! Way to copy check, guys. (In response, I ran spell checker on this post and discovered that I had spelled "Sean" as "Seab"...so I guess we all make mistakes. But some of us correct them.) Update! I missed yet another name gaffe in the clip shown below...but Fifthrune didn't: "In that last post about the misspelled names: Who the hell is Mike Bobby for the Hawks? Cuz I'd rather take him than Mike Bibby if he keeps shooting that well. Seriously who wrote that article, Borat?"


Kobe Bryant: He drinks straight out of the milk carton. And he puts it back in the fridge even when it's empty.

Labels: cat fights, home court disadvantage, Jermaine O'Neal, one trillion, Yao Watch

Falling on your damn head doesn't counttoward suck differential. But it should.
suck differential (suhk dif'-uh-rehn-shul) noun. A descriptor similar to the trillion that not only describes a player's statistical insignificance, but also quantifies the player's net negative effect for their team. Can be abbreviated as "suck."

Usage example: In Wednesday's Bobcats-Knicks game, Nazr Mohammed's +1 suck differential was upstaged by Malik Rose's +2 suck. How much money do they make again?

Word history: The term was coined and defined by basketbawful reader AnacondaHL in the comments section of a recent Worst of the Night post. AnacondaHL wrote most of this post. However, I did make the following change: A one trillion is still awarded only if a player has zeroes in all categories. Thus a suck differential score has some attributes that are similar to the trillion, only they have racked up some stats...all of which are negative.

Word details: In order to obtain the suck differential descriptor, a player must first earn a trillion in the standard "positive" categories: (0 points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, FGM, 3PTM, FTM). In addition, each FGA, FTA, TOV, and PF increases the suck differential by +1. (Hence, a standard trillion has a suck differential of +0).

Note that +/- points differential is distinctly NOT used in the suck differential. We can't have better teammates covering for sucky teammates now, can we?

One problem with suck differential is that each suck category is given equal weight. Does 2 missed free throws equal 2 turnovers on the suck scale? What if one personal foul was intentional for clock management? A more complex formula could attempt to describe "team points/possessions lost because of what you did", and could adjust FGA by +2 (+3 for missed 3PTA), TOV's by +1.1, etc.

But quite frankly, if your only opportunity to make a game and statistical impact was two free throws and you miss both, you deserve the +2 to your suck differential. And if your only job in the game was to be used for your personal fouls, that's a pretty solid +1 earned.

Making this post created even more questions in my head. What was the largest single game suck differential last year? Who leads the league with the highest suck-to--minutes played ratio? Could suck differential, applied properly to +/-, actually make a meaningful stat independent of teammate performance? Let's get 82games.com on this pronto.

Labels: fan submissions, gratuitous Ostertag reference, measurements for craptasticness, one trillion, sucking

Some people believe that anybody who becomes a professional basketball players is worthy of a certain amount of respect and admiration. I disrespectfully disagree. There are five former players whose "careers" are, in my estimation, deserving only of mockery, which I will provide in the following paragraphs. Because these men, these titans of disrepute, all logged exactly one minute of NBA action...ever.

Andy Panko and Cedric Hunter: Panko -- born Andrew John Panko III -- was a 6'9" forward out of Lebenon Valley College. Hunter was a 6'0" guard from the University of Kansas. These two men, so different in so many ways, were united by one ignominious feat: They scored a one trillion...for their entire career. Panko's one minute of career nothingness was achieved on January 11, 2001 against the Golden State Warriors (Panko played for the Hawks, appropriately enough). Hunter's meaningless 60 seconds of lifework happened on February 16, 1992 against the Miami Heat (Hunter was a member of the Charlotte Hornets). I have repeatedly used the one trillion as a means of describing a player's complete and utter statistical insignificance. Notching a trillion here or there is one thing, but having a "career" that is a one trillion? It's so sad it's awesome.

Barry Sumpter: Barry was a 6'11" foward-center out of, uh, Austin Peay State University? (Yes, it's a real place.) But, to be fair, after one season at APSU, he transferred to Louisville where he promptly became not as good. But he still managed to sign a one-year, $100,000 contract with -- prepare to be very not surprised -- the Los Angeles Clippers for the 1988-89 season. He played his minute on April 2, 1989 against the soon-to-be NBA champion Detroit Pistons. Unlike Panko and Hunter, Barry managed to at least get off a shot...which he missed. His infamous career ended 0-for-1 and zero-for-everything else. Unless you count his PER score of -30.2.

Forest Able: Forest Edward Able -- also known as "Frosty" -- was a 6'3" guard out of Western Kentucky University. Frosty "played" for the Syracuse Nationals during the 1956-57 season, and he packed a lot of activity into his one minute of lack-tion: 2 shots (both of which he missed), 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 personal foul. So, you know, he tried (even if he did fail in epic fashion). His career PER of -41.3 is enough to make stat-heads weep.

Dave Scholz: Mr. Scholz -- whose nickname of "Dave" was a stroke of inspired genius -- the "greatest" player in this group, in that he's the only one who actually scored two points on 1-for-1 shooting. This means that he shot 100 percent for his career and averaged an incredible 96 points per 48 minutes. Oh, and his career Player Efficiency Rating (PER) of 67.6 is more than double Michael Jordan's 27.91. So, according to John Hollinger's stats, Dave Scholz may be the best basketball player in NBA history.

Labels: one trillion, Worst Evers

Ernie Johnson: Andre Iguodala was a guest analyst on the NBA on TNT last night, and Ernie referred to him as the "44-year-old" Andre Iguodala. Which wouldn't have been that silly of a mistake if Iggy didn't have the kind of babyface that makes you wonder whether he still gets his lunch money stolen by the big kids. The only theory I have to explain Ernie's gaffe is that he was thinking about Dikembe Mutumbo, who's been 44 for, what, the last three seasons? Now we finally have an answer to the age-old question: "Who wants to sex Mutumbo?" Ernie does.

LeBron James' fourth quarter: King James has apparently been crippled by the extreme physical burden of carrying Mike Brown's one-play* offense all season. LeBron was suffering from "unrelenting" back spasms last night that made him "unable to cut, jump and move as usual." The result? A peasant-like fourth quarter stat line (one-point, 0-for-5 shooting) and a 101-98 setback to the "nothing to play for" Chicago Bulls. And that loss, combined with the previous night's foul out, might have been the final death blow for the King's MVP bid.

LeBron actually had a chance to tie the game in the closing seconds, but he was turned back by rookie hair god Joakim Noah. Of course, The Chosen one thought there was some contact. "I went up and got hit on the arm. But that’s not why we lost the game." Superstar-to-English translation: "That's totally why we lost the game."

*That one play is "Watch LeBron. He's so shiny." Rumor has it that Brown and his assistants have been devising a second play, wherein LeBron's teammates pass the ball around like a hot potato before shuffling it to LeBron with three seconds left on the shot clock.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched! Again! That'll teach him to hold out before the season, get injured, and then suck.

Quicken Loans Arena sound-effect technicians: With a little less than two minutes left in the game, Ben Wallace blew an uncontested dunk. As the ball clanged off the rim and sailed harmlessly away from the basket, "a loud gong inadvertently sounded in the arena, usually a sound effect reserved for one of Big Ben's blocks." Oops.

Larry Hughes, fulfilling expectations one trade too late: He sure had a game against the Cavs, didn't he? The line: 25 points (11-for-17), 8 rebounds, 9 assists, and 2 steals in 45 minutes. Oh, and he scored 19 of those points in the second half to help the Bulls overcome a 17-point deficit and end their six-game road losing streak. The Cleveland fans must have been pissed. (The title of this one was updated on the suggestion of that great challenger of the unknown, Wild Yams.)

Chris Duhon: He was about five seconds shy of a two trillion. But you know what? We're gonna bend our rules and give it to him anyway, in honor of the season he's having.

Update! Benny the Bull: Remember that whole "Benny sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon" thing? Well, the Bulls finally got around to explaining what really happened: "The Bulls apologized to the Celtics and explained that one of the members of the IncrediBulls -- a group that entertains during timeouts -- had tripped and his gun shot the shirts into the floor from where they bounced into the Celtics."

Nice story. A big load of, well, bullpoopy, but a good story. And KG, or one, isn't stepping in it. "Wow. That's a story. I just turned around and dude [Benny] had the smoking gun in his hands. I didn't see no lady. I didn't see nobody trip over a gun. You know what I'm saying?"

Chicago coach Jim Boylan gave his own humorous take on the incident: "It was against Posey so, it’s open season against him whenever he steps on the court in Chicago. I was proud of Benny, glad he took matters into his own hands. He orchestrated it behind the scenes." Ha, hah! Good one, coach. Of course, you know what they say. Many a truth is said in jest.

Los Angeles Clippers: They tanked Elton Brand's anti-tanking comeback by holding Chris Kaman, Cuttino Mobley, and Tim Thomas out of the game. And hey, fewer players means more opportunities for Brand which means Elton has more sign-and-trade value over the summer. It's a win-win for everybody involved.

Sacramento King announcers: One of them started to call Francisco Garcia "Spencer" in a post-game interview last night. Speaking of which...

Francisco Garcia: From Odenized. 'Cisco announced he's going to try to dunk on Kobe this Sunday. Oh, man. He should know better than that. Although, in all fairness, the announcers kind of goaded "Spencer" into it.


Reggie Theus, quote machine: Regarding Kevin Martin's growth as a player, Theus said, "He’s starting to adapt to the game now. I'm seeing things from him that I didn't see before. He's scoring easier in our offense now." He wasn't adapting to the game before? Then why did you guys decide to build your franchise around him?

Joel Przybilla's future: Joel's been playing great all season, but especially in the last month or so. But I have a bad feeling that when Greg Oden is ready to play next season, Joel will go from being "Vanilla Godzilla, the fire-breathing rebound monster" to "Ghostface Przybilla, the invisible bench holder-downer."

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: He's so happy these days. After leading the Rockets to a 95-88 win over the Trail Blazers -- he scored 26 of his game-high 35 points in the second half -- T-Mac described the excitement stirred within his heart by this season's Western Conference playoff race. "There's going to be a team that wins 50 games and doesn't make the playoffs. So it's a battle out there. I love it." I can't help but wonder how much love's going to be left after Houston's first-round playoff series, probably against either the Hornets, Lakers, or Spurs.

Mike Harris and Steve Novak: They each played 14 seconds and had a stat line that looked like a string of Cheerios. I'd totally feel sorry for them if I had a sense of compassion.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Duhon, Ernie Johnson, Kevin Garnett, Larry Hughes, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, NBA mascots, one trillion, Sasha Pavlovic, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

"Hey...do my tonsils look okay to you?"

Bobby Simmons: Back in August of 2005, fresh off a breakout season in which he was honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player, Simmons signed a five-year, $47 million dollar contract with Milwaukee, and everybody in the Bucks organization was flipping their lids. General Manager Larry Harris said, "Bobby is an extremely versatile player and adds depth to our roster at a number of positions. He can score from anywhere on the court, he's a very tough defender and he wants to win. He had a great year last season and we're excited to add him to our team." Then-coach Terry Stotts said, "We're pleased to add a player of Bobby's quality and character to our team. I’m very impressed with how he has continued to improve so far throughout his career. It speaks to his dedication to the game." Little did the Bucks know, Simmons' improvement as a professional basketball player had ended before the ink on his new contract had even dried. Two years later, Simmons is still the Bucks second-highest paid player, but by the numbers -- 6.7 PPG (on 42 percent shooting), 2.3 RPG, and 0.9 APG in about 19 minutes per game -- he's only their seventh best player. So even though the Bucks scored their first road win of the season last night, a 111-107 victory over the Cavaliers, Simmons was barely part of it: 2 points (1-6), 3 rebounds, and 1 assist in 21 minutes of action.

Fun fact: Lebron James was 1-7 from three-point range last night.

Jermaine O'Neal: Remember how last summer Larry Bird tried to demand both Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum from the Lakers in exchange for O'Neal? The Lakers said, "Uh, thanks, but no thanks," and that's one decision that Jim Buss won't be taking heat for anytime soon. O'Neal hasn't been playing like an All-Star this season -- 13.2 PPG (on 38 percent shooting), 7.1 RPG, and 3.1 APG -- and last night was no exception. In what was supposed to be his audition for a potential trade to the Lakers, O'Neal shot 4-13, grabbed 3 rebounds, and blocked zero shots while the Lakers were obliterating the Pacers 134-114. Bynum, on the other hand, scored 17 points on 6-6 shooting and grabbed 10 rebounds, and blocked 4 shots. Odom chipped in 10 points (2-4), 7 rebounds, and 3 assists.

Fun fact: In the 1978 NBA Draft, the Pacers selected Rick Robey with the third overall pick -- despite the fact that he was the best college player in the country and an Indiana native -- because they weren't willing to wait a year for Larry Bird to graduate from college. So in a way, bad personnel decisions are like a Pacers' legacy.

Wizards / Sixers: How badly did Philly get beaten down last night? Well, they had to outscore the Wizards 33-18 in the fourth quarter just to get the final deficit down to 15. The only reason to watch this game last night would have been to see Gilbert Arenas being Gilbert Arenas. Unfortunately, Agent Zero didn't play. Oh well. At least Andray Blatche hit a buzzer-beater at the end of the second quarter, and the G-Man did some cool dunks.

Fun fact: The Sixers are 3-7 after 10 games. Last year, with Allen Iverson in the lineup, they were 4-6 after 10 games. So you can see how much they miss him.

Solomon Jones: There wasn't much to get excited about in the Spurs' 95-83 win over the Hawks, unless of course you have Tony Parker (31 points, 13-20, 2 rebounds, 9 assists) on your fantasy team. However, according to the box score, Jones notched what may be the season's first one trillion: In other words, he played one minute without without recording any other statistic (so his stat line is a one followed by a bunch of zeroes). Congratulations, Solomon!

Fun fact: Did you know that Dr. J once played for the Atlanta Hawks? Seriously.

New York Knicks: The Knicks lost their seventh game in a row, and they did it in pathetic fashion, losing 108-82 at home to the Golden State Warriors. The MSG boo birds were out in full force, railing against their awful team, and -- amazingly -- Isiah Thomas agreed with them: "When you're watching a game like we played tonight, the venom that comes out, you deserve it. The booing, 'Get rid of this guy, get rid of me, get rid of him,' that's how the fans react. It comes with the territory we have and the place that we live in. That's how it is, that's how it goes." That may well be the closest Isiah has ever come to accepting some blame for the mess he's made in New York. Anyway, the Knicks stunk last night. They shot 39 percent and committed 27 turnovers. Nate Robinson was 0-5. Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry combined for 2 assists, 10 turnovers, and no blocked shots. Oh, and guard Quentin Richardson outrebounded Eddy Curry 10-3.

Fun facts: The Knicks average 17.7 assists per game...and 17.5 turnovers per game.

Chicago Bulls: Okay, this is getting painful. It's not the slow start; we've seen that before: 0-9 to begin the 2004-05 season, 3-9 last year. It's the fact that the Bulls seems content to just roll over and die any time they're challenged. They might have started off slowly last season, but at least they showed flashes. Nobody's playing well right now (although Joakim Noah looked great last night). Offensively, they're the third worst team in the league, ahead of only the Miami Heat and the New Jersey Nets. Defensively, they're smack dab in the middle of the pack -- sandwiched between the Washington Wizards and Milwuakee Bucks -- after having been the fifth best overall defensive team in the league last season. And the scary thing is, we haven't seen a single sign that things are going to get any better any time soon. Disturbing. Also, who's Thomas Gardner, and why'd he lead the Bulls with 16 shot attempts last night?

Fun fact: At this time last season, Kirk Hinrich was shooting 47 percent, Ben Gordon was shooting 43 percent, Luol Deng was shooting 55 percent, and Ben Wallace was averaging 10.2 RPG and 2.5 BPG. This season, the players' respective averages are 34 percent, 37 percent, 45 percent, and 7.2 RPG and 1.4 BPG.

Phoenix Suns: In the NBA, any road win is big, but the Suns won ugly last night. Their "defense" allowed a lousy Kings team to rally from an 17-point deficit and tie the game at 94-all with three minutes to go. Shawn Marion and Amare Stoudemire did their best to give the game away, missing two freethrows apiece in the final minute. But as a Suns fan, the most disturbing aspect of the game was the team's complete lack of ball movement. Sure, Steve Nash had his typical 12 assists, but Marion, Stoudemire, Leandro Barbosa, and Grant Hill combined for one lonely assist. To put that in perspective, Eric Piatkowski out-assisted all four of those guys with two. That's sad.

Fun fact: Ron Artest is very quietly having himself an All-Star-type season: 23.5 PPG -- on 55 percent shooting, including 58 percent from three-point range -- 6.5 RPG, 3.8 APG, and 2.3 SPG. And we haven't heard a peep out of him. Of course, he's only actually played four games so far, which means there's plenty of time left for him to start sucking and/or do something crazy.

Special Extra -- Hilarious Headlines: The always charming LooseChange brought this to my attention yesterday. Check out the last headline:

That's right: Swift, Grizzlies ride sweet stroke to pound Sonics. I don't know who's responsible for writing headlines for ESPN.com, but anybody who can make a Grizzlies / Sonics game sound like hardcore porn is awesome. Note to self: Start watching Grizzlies games.

Labels: Bobby Simmons, Chicago Bulls, Jermaine O'Neal, New York Knicks, one trillion, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night