So...I survived opening night at the Most Outdated Arena In The History Of The Universe. You might know that one, the local auditorium dating back to Fred Flintstone, Greg Oden's long-forgotten youth, and the viable dirigible transport modern amenities such as individual seats, or water fountains, or even...ah, I can't do it.

Despite being made of bailing wire, cardboard, and Elmer's glue, the old barn's still holding up somehow.

It's Arco Arena in the tract-house paradise of Natomas, and it may still have wooden floors underneath its red-and-blue chairs (Spud Webb-era colors!), and not enough luxury boxes to prevent the serfs of Sacramento from being able to attend...and for that reason, maybe it turned out to be the most appropriate place for the Not-Answer to make his off-the-pine debut for the Memphis Grizzlies.

So before I begin this photomontage, a brief game recap:

1st quarter: The Kings have no clue a game is going on. Z-Bo almost looks like he's trying in his own half-court.
2nd quarter: A little bit of catch-up as the Grizzlies realize they're not that good at D themselves. K-Mart gets the blue light special going.
3rd quarter: HEY! THE NOT-ANSWER! As Sacramento successfully accedes to his scoring touch, the Grizzlies choose to plant him back on the bench as much as they can.
4th quarter: Leading with a minute to go - nope, can't play defense - luckily, neither did Memphis.
OT: Memphis briefly leads early, a fan waxes nostalgic for The Karate Kid, Z-bo then fouls out, baby cubs score only 4 points the rest of the way and give up plenty more to lose by 11 to a previously winless team. And K-Mart scored 48 points, despite being severely rejected by the rim in the first half?!?!

After that eloquent description, one can see this is the type of game that will be on ESPN Classic someday. (That is, if ESPN Classic had a special on lacktion, instead of rehashing 1980s footage of a certain parquet surface.)

So now, in chronological order, are scenes from a stupefying showdown:

Schwag officially approved by the Association: instant street cred! (In Granite Bay perhaps, but not so much on Meadowview Road...)

So much grease, even Oliver Miller would be taken aback - briefly.

Captain Morgan pose!

K-Mart must be pining for a second career as an architect, considering his admiration of masonry.

Now here's something that must be appreciated in full size: a Freudian slip of a jersey!

Z-Bo wants no part in pre-game bromance!

If Kevin Martin was a thief, his skills would be compared to that of Winona Ryder's.

OJ Mayo must be drinking Red Bull, because he's got wings here.

We talkin' 'bout...not attempting a block?

In comparison, the rim played much better defense than the Not-Answer.

Tyreke Evans and OJ Mayo attempt to reenact "Top Gun."

If Tim Donaghy were here, the red-belted sumo-man would be at the charity stripe right now.

The last time Bobby Jackson was featured on this site...was in doll form.

Bromance DENIED!

Marc Gasol tries to commence a handball match on this basketball court.

K-Mart loses the 40 yard dash to a leather spheroid.

Mr. Martin believes in Jazzercise!

"Hot Streets" by Chicago featuring Donnie Dacus, revived.

Much more elevation than the San Diego Rockets ever had.

Tyreke Evans demonstrates the proper way to surrender, something Andres Nocioni could have used on Wednesday night.

Omri Casspi butts into the picture.

I hope this guy got his money's worth for 11 minutes of viewing interest from his perspective.

Unathleticism: still more calories burned here than on Brian Cook's behalf during his zero-second stint for the Rockets this week!

This may be a paper "sellout," and I may be Mario West in disguise. Right.

Now Marc thinks it's volleyball - where's Misty May when you need her.

The Harlem Globetrotters would probably be proud of this attempted trick...

Unathleticism, part 2. Yes, this guy's boss bet against him on both shots. Yes, the boss won each wager.

In this skit, Slamson plays the part of Manny Pacquiao while Floyd Mayweather, in tonight's crowd,

Ladies and gentlemen - former Most Valuable Player, the Not-Answer!!!!

Put your hands in the air like you just don't care: Z-Bo on defense.

Soon to be installed on Capitol Mall is this K-Mart and Z-Bo statue.

Iverson attempts a move straight out of Arch Rivals.

Jason Thompson provides a nice allegory for how both defenses played that night.

Z-Bo makes Spencer Hawes a bit uncomfortable...

Kenny Thomas and Marc Gasol: an arranged bromance.

Z-Bo gets sandwiched, making him consider a future pre-game visit to the Panera Bread on Del Paso Road.

With this sign blocking his ears, no wonder he's having a hard time sensing sound...

Ebenezeer Scrooge would've been happy to see the Kings' allergic nature towards charity in regulation.

End of the fourth: an occasion for hopscotch!?

Omri Casspi attempts to hold the line, hockey-style, with his chest.

Now it's Beno Udrih with the Captain Morgan stance...

Zach Randolph has a mandatory date with the bench, and likely one with the downtown Denny's soon after.

The view from Mr. Morita's eyes, doomed to watch the Kings forever...

And the above pose is the equivalent of Shaq looking at his hot hand, except for the "hot" part.

Alley-oop attempt in garbage time? Nothing unusual about that here, except it's the last minute of the extra period. (Or to put it bluntly, the Grizzlies got outscored 17-4 in the final four minutes of overtime.)

Had Andres Nocioni walked the line as well as K-Mart did, maybe he wouldn't have seen steel bars on Thursday morning...

And so concludes an evening of excruciating defense and scorching offense, one which satisfied my thirst for lacktion. How so?

Well, #24 for the purple paupers, Desmond Mason scored a 6.65 trillion, as seen by his passive accumulation of wealth at the tipoff. Four days later, he was waived, probably due to the Maloofs' envy of Desmond's ability to acquire funding so easily. (Maybe Desmond can give us a downtown stadium now? Yay?)

Labels: , , , , , , , , ,

Blogger Alex said...
Please go to every Kings home game and do posts like this. My belly hurts from laughing at all the bawful!

Blogger 49er16 said...
Talk about two teams that play no defense. I'm going to the Warriors-Kings game on Sunday.

Blogger Sos said...
The female Bill Laimbeer = Elizabeth Lambert, New Mexico soccer

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
When I get home I'm opening every picture. Also, get some 'center' tags up in this bitch.

Blogger Dan B. said...
When I'm drinking a Captain Morgan and Coke (with just a splash of grenadine because it's tasty as hell) at the bowling alley this Saturday night, I'm totally going to think of Beno Udrih thanks to this post. Perfect timing on that picture.

Anonymous Anonymous said...;_ylt=ArNd.DgIpbDaGoL6rPi.mg1kPaB4?slug=51d159e1b59640fbbe584bc6de47535a.celtics_timberwolves_basketball_mnjm109

great pic

Blogger chris said...
A: I don't know if Kings-Nets will be on my schedule (as it MIGHT conflict with an upcoming vacation), but the average winning percentage of the matchups I attend in the coming future in Natomas will have to be around .365 max!

AnacondaHL: Will work on that right away.

Anonymous Wormboy said...
People have got to stop calling him "the non Answer." there's got to be something better. Maybe call him the "Question: Why?"

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Can we call AI "Not-the-Answer." The Not Answer is a little awkward and as a result not that funny.

Blogger Nick Flynt said... Couldn't see them all even with the direct links.

Also: Some of the links were incredibly small. I'm not gonna save and zoom myself!

Blogger chris said...
Buck Nasty: If you click on a photo, click on "All Sizes" to see it larger. :p

As for all the people who want Iverson to get a new mock-moniker...hmm. Not-Answer is what this site came up with improvement on that is never a bad thing.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I thin Natomas is Miwok for "even goats don't graze here." Then again, what's the garden spot of Sacramento? Folsom? Carmichael? Elk Grove?

Anonymous FarmerTome said...
I think he should still be The Answer- but the question must be changed. I think it should be "What is 34 years old and comes off the bench and complains?" Or, we could call him "The Jeopardy Answer", because he actually just raises more questions.

Blogger chris said...
Anonymous: Old Town Fair Oaks? Old Town Folsom?

Garden Highway at the south end of Gardenland, incidentally, is DEFINITELY not the garden spot of Sactown, by any stretch of the imagination.

Blogger AKahan said...
So I'm watching the Knicks Cavs game on ESPN and Marc Jackson is, as always, providing his brilliant commentary. I think the past two times I have watched an NBA game and he is calling it I've heard him say "momma there goes that man." That should be added to the Marc Jackson drinking game as one of the phrases he says.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
That's already a part of the drinking game. He loves saying it. It's Mark Jackson's version of Marv Albert's "YES!"

Just read JA Adande's column on the new club they have in Staples Center. I fackin hate LA. Only they would put an expensive club in a venue for basketball. All of those people should send me their tickets so that I can sell them to real fans.

Also, Adande had a lot of typos. As McHale knows, I hate typos.

Anonymous RT said...
Elton Brand: 11.0 ppg, 5.6 rpg, 47.7% fg through 5 games. Bargain price of $80 million through five years. God I love Philly.

Blogger zyth said...
yah, just a lil offtop

and even though i know it's a PS...damn, it would be just so right

Blogger stephanie g said...
FYI AI's older than dirt nickname is "The Cancer."

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Chris - And I suspect Granite Bay is more like Abandoned Quarry.

Blogger BJ said...
In case you guys haven't heard; Bawful and company, get a load of this:

Anonymous AdriĆ  said...
Please take a look at that. I love this game:


Anonymous Ruben said...
Hey Chris, how does it feel to have seen the 2nd to last game of AI's career? Unless he goes on to become a GM or something, the next time we will see him will probably be at the Hall of Fame- not getting an award himself, but introducing Chauncy Billups' award.

Blogger chris said...
Davros: Supposedly Granite Bay is the "upscale" suburb of this town, followed somewhat closely by parts of Folsom, Rocklin, Roseville and Arden, and then the nice parts of the River City...well the latter pretty much is East Sacramento and East Sacramento alone, despite a lot of praise heaped onto Curtis Park. I haven't been in GB much (if at all - maybe one intersection driven through once) to know for sure, but I think some of the Kings live there, or have lived there. Didn't Adelman get a DUI in that area?

Ruben: The thing that struck me as surreal about Monday night has to be AI's ability to score points...resulting in more bench time. Huh? I'm not sure where the disconnect is on that team but it certainly is developing into the South's equivalent of the Clippers.

Blogger chris said...
Davros: Oh, and I THINK Ron-Ron was living in GB when he got in trouble with the law, too.

Blogger Nick Flynt said...
Chris. Seriously. You have to stop the Clippers comments. When we start winning, I'm going to go off on the Kings. Loudly. Angrily. Especially the fact that one of their primary colors is purple. Purple.

Blogger chris said...
Buck Nasty: Hey, you guys are locked into a long-term lease at Staples, you've got that going for you.

Besides, the Kings are the only team so bawful that they "belonged" to TWO cities at the same time at one point, one of those cities being the Memphis of the 1970s, Omaha!!11!1!!!11 What a heritage.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
chris: does the year of the NOK Hornets not count?

Buck Nasty: I heard that all the injured and swine flu ridden Nyets players were going to have a sleepover in the Clippers locker room.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
What a perfectly fitting way for Iverson to end his career. I love the quote of his about how it's just that he hates losing and how he's never been a loser in his career. Someone should point out the records that some of the teams he's been on have had. Iverson's departure from the game might actually top Dennis Rodman's. Anyone here recall how the Lakers told Rodman to get lost midway through the lockout shortened season after only 23 games; only to then have Mark Cuban take a flier on him the next year (back when the Mavs were really awful), and then the lowly Mavs also told him to beat it after only 12 games? Iverson looks to be sliding into that territory.

How come the Hornets are so bawful this season? Was Tyson Chandler such a difference maker? Is Rasual Butler missed that much now that he's a Clipper? My guess is that Byron Scott's gonna be on the hot seat if this keeps up. New Orleans had to outscore the Lakers (still missing Gasol and Bynum) by 8 in the fourth quarter just so they could lose by only 16. Yikes.

Are the Suns really for real? Like, for reals?! If they are I really didn't see this coming. If the Suns really keep this up and Cleveland continues being mediocre, does that mean that Shaq is this year's Iverson? If so I don't think there's a Billups equivalent, since Phoenix basically traded Shaq away just for the privilege of not having to have him on the team anymore. So far it looks like it was worth it.

Greg Oden finally stopped fouling! He only had one foul in tonight's game! Of course, in fairness, he still only played 22 minutes, so Nate McMillan didn't really give him a chance to rack up his usual bushel of fouls. Maybe McMillan was worried that due to all the foul trouble in every other game this season, Greg wouldn't be ready conditioning-wise to play for more than 20 minutes or so. Either that or he figured since the rout was on, better to not to press his luck by leaving Glass Greg on the court for any longer than was absolutely necessary, lest he hurt himself again.

Golden State is godawful, getting blown out by the Kings like that. What was Chris Webber thinking when he bet that they'd finish with a better record than anyone? Memphis should be ashamed that they let themselves be beaten by these lowly Warriors. I gotta ask though: is it just a coincidence that the one Warriors win this season came in the game in which Iverson played what looks to be the most minutes of any game this season? I'll let you decide.

Blogger Newbius_Maximus said...
Hey Bawful, one of the photographers at the Toronto Star caught a picture of some mighty man lovin' at Friday's Raptor game:

Yeah, Ben looks like he's a bit excited (or is that a bratwurst in his shorts?) at Turkoglu's rough grabbing

Blogger Wild Yams said...
BTW, Khloe Kardashian said on Jimmy Kimmel that she wouldn't have married Lamar Odom if he still played for the Clippers. Even someone who knows next to nothing about the NBA (she couldn't name who the Lakers beat in the Finals this year) is still aware of the Clippers' legacy. Apparently even Khloe Kardashian knows that the Clippers are who we thought they were.

Blogger Dan B. said...
This tweet absolutely cracked me up with its simple genius:

notmikedunleavy I guess God changed his mind about Memphis for Iverson.

Blogger Hilary said...
My most Bawful experience of the weekend:

One of the Celtics' owners is running for Ted Kennedy's vacant senate seat. So there was a game before the game on Friday which I like to call Just Try To Get Into The Arena Without Shaking Steve Pagliuca's Hand. He had columns of people set up by the door stomping signs and yelling "we believe in Steve," and everyone had to file past him.

Any Bawfulness involved in the Suns/Celtics game was still an upgrade over what was going on outside.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: Not quite, since the Kansas City-Omaha thing lasted...several seasons. :O

Wild Yams: I guess Khloe is not on Buck Nasty's Christmas card list, either. ;)