5. Possible sign of the apocalypse: Zach Randolph dished out seven assists last night. Seven! WHO IS THIS MAN AND WHAT HAS HE DONE WITH ZACH RANDOLPH? Fortunately, Allen Iverson is expected to make his Grizzlies debut tonight, so I expect order will soon be restored to the universe. (EDIT: And our very own Chris will be attending the festivities, with "practice" well on his mind!!!)
UPDATE! Chris's lacktion report:
Knicks-Bobcats: Toney Douglas bricked once and fouled once as well for a +2 suck differential in 2:26 for New York. While Charlotte's Nazr Mohammed blocked one shot to avoid a suck differential of his own, his 3:14 stint of a giveaway and a brick led to a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.
Wizards-Hawks: Dominic McGuire becomes our first two-time lacktator of the year, racking up another +2 (via missed shot and foul) in 2:41. Dishonorable mention goes out to his teammate Nick Young, whose singular board marred an eight-brick appearance.
Raptors-Grizzlies: Amir Johnson has merely returned to form, with a +2 via fouls in 2:07 to put him back in his usual spot within the fine print of the sporting section.
Heat-Pacers: Yakhouba Diawara makes his 2009 lacktion debut with a all-fouls +2 in 5:36, the longest stint of non-contribution in the young season so far. On the other half of the court, Indiana's AJ Price clearly has the right last name to celebrate his 1.3 trillion take tonight!
Kings-Hornets: Sergio Rodriguez may have taken down a rebound for the purple paupers, but a mere 14 seconds of court time is all that's needed to reboot a dusty NES console for a Mario.
Bulls-Celtics: With Brian Scalabrine out, Doc Rivers called on JR Giddens to be tonight's human victory cigar, and he gave up the rock once for a +1 in 3:58. Conversely, Lindsey Hunter let Vinny Del Negro down by making one assist after a stellar statline of two fouls, one turnover, and two unsuccessful tosses from downtown.
Magic-Nets: Anthony Johnson had his nightly stretching session on WiiFit, a non-intense 30 second Mario that no doubt burned fewer calories than any cheering he might have done on the pine all game long.
Crabs-Wolves: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson finally gets a shot at living up to his moniker and providing LeBron and Shaq with a reliable human victory cigar. He pinched out two bricks and a giveaway for a +3 in 1:46.
Thunder-Pistons: Detroit rookie Austin Daye fouled once for a +1 in 1:12.
Clippers-Jazz: Wesley Matthews makes his second visit to the lacktion report for Jerry Sloan's squad, bringing home the bacon with a 2.3 trillion!
Warriors-Suns: Phoenix's Jarron Collins narrowly avoided non-contribution with a board, only to accrue a foul and giveaway for a 2:1 Voskuhl in 1:32. His teammate Alando Tucker was much more successful with his negatory ventures, tossing one brick for a +1 in 2:53.
Mavs-Lakers: With the game pretty much decided before the final frame, the sanitation crews were hard at work cleaning up with sloppy play, resulting in two non-notables from each squad accruing a +1 suck differential. Mark Cuban's finest Havanas were well-lit tonight, as rookie Rodrigue Beaubois bricked once in 2:49, while the headbanded Matt Carroll (whose head attire received guffaws from the NBA on ESPN crew) took 11 fewer seconds to achieve the same demerit from Broadway.
For Phil Jackson's team, putting on a feature more worthy of public access rather than Showtime, DJ Mbenga fouled once for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 3:11, while former 3rd overall pick Adam Morrison heaved some masonry in a stint 7 seconds shorter.
Nets-Wizards: New Jersey's Bobby Simmons put in 4:31 of tanktopped aerobics today, bricking once for a +1 suck differential. But the real story is the early star of lacktion this season, Dominic McGuire, who laid down a 3.4 trillion that will no doubt be measured against the size of Agent Zero's contract!
Bobcats-Crabs: With Cleveland crawling back up to .500, the game ended up being out of reach by the end of the 3rd - turning the match into a Powerball payout! For Michael Jordan's pet project of pain, DeSagana Diop cashed out at 1.25 trillion and Derrick Brown received a check for 1.55 trillion. Mike Brown's set-it-and-forget-it crustacean bake offerred up Jamario Moon's +1 via brick in 1:37, Jawad Williams's 1.55 trillion, and Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson's own reimbursement of 1.25 trillion.
Pistons-Bucks: Former 1st overall pick Kwame Brown did make four rebounds and one steal in 12:39, only to foul four times and give up the rock thricely for a 7:4 Voskuhl. Meanwhile, Milwaukee's Roko Ukic switched on his Game Boy briefly for a 12 second Mario!!!!!!
Mavs-Clippers: In his second straight night of lacktion, Matt Carroll invested in two fouls for a +2 in 5:47, while Dunleavy's doofuses DeAndre Jordan and Steve Novak showed up on the ledger with respective statlines of +4 in 2:04 via a brick and three fouls (also good for a 3:0 Voskuhl) and a +1 with a 32 second Mario, after getting lost on Olvera Street downtown. Novak's brief masquerade as a baller makes him the first multiple Nintendo devotee of the season, adding a Game and Watch to his collection.
Magic-Raptors: While Marcin Gortat did help out on a basket and take down a board in 14:05, he also fouled and bricked thricely for a 3:1 Voskuhl.
Grizzlies-Nuggets: Hamed Haddadi's 2:52 on the hardwood unfortunately featured a couple of boards and a block, but by fouling twice and handing the rock to Denver once, he earned himself a 3:2 Voskuhl. Malik Allen on the other hand burned up the court with a Fireflower for a 6 second Super Mario! Allen's brief night is all the more noteworthy as he is the first to reach a state of Doki Doki Panic with his second consecutive Super Mario, after a four-second 1Up on Thursday - two stints that combined would each still qualify as one Super Mario on its lonesome!!!!!!