Dwight Howard is known as Superman. His biceps have biceps filled with real leprechauns. When he flexes, people die. And yet a skeezy porn star named Mary Carey dissed him for a member of N'Sync. But not Justin Timberlake. She picked this guy. And no, I am not even remotely kidding around here. These are her words from a recent radio interview:

"Yeah, Dwight and I met at LAX. I was like, you're a basketball player, and he was like, I've seen you at Magic games, so he recognized me from games. I used to always get written up when I went to games for causing distractions and stuff."
Wait for it...waaaaaaait for it...

"Dwight's a cool guy. For a month, we like talked on the phone, and he was always trying to give me prayers to get me out of porn and give me Bible verses to read. So then, I was going to go visit him when I was in Orlando, but I went over to this other guy's house instead, Chris Kirkpatrick from N'Sync. And then Dwight started calling, and calling, and calling me, because he knew I was with Chris Kirkpatrick, so eventually at 3 in the morning, Chris was like don’t answer Dwight's calls. I get a text from Dwight at 3 in the morning -- I’m outside Chris's house. I'm like oh my god, what do I do? I was like, I got Dwight here and I got Chris in the other room and I'm talking to them back and forth. So finally I had to just pull Dwight in the bathroom and tell him he needs to go home. I was like I'm really sorry, I really like you, but this isn't the time or place. When I pull him in the bathroom, he pulls his pants down, I was like, whooa. Yeah, and so I ran and started screaming…Well if it wasn't for the Chris thing at the time, I really liked Dwight and maybe I would have furthered this. But I was at the guy's house I was dating so it was inappropriate. So he totally thought he totally offended me. So I saved -- he and I used to talk on instant messenger, on AOL -- so he was apologizing; sorry, that was out of character for me, blah blah blah. I saved all the instant messages and I've been putting them all in a book. So I’ve got a lot of evidence. I’ve got an evidence file."
I simply don't know what to say. Other than here's a super hat tip to Basketbawful reader Daniel L. for sending me the link and the following (fake) D-Howard quote: "Baby, you needs to get out of pr0n, because Jesus loves you! Or suck on lil' Superman. Whichever."

Still, Howard probably lucked out here. I mean, according to her Wikipedia page, Mary was born to a schizophrenic mother and a father with cerebral palsy. Them's damaged goods, Dwight. You don't need that kind of drama. Really. I swear.

Scary Mary
Dwight, you...really are...better off...oh, bloody hell.

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14 Comments:
Blogger Dan B. said...
("oh dear god I can't beleive Superman got dissed for a washed up boy band member" has to be in the running for my top five favorite post tags on Bawful.)

I have no words to describe how I feel right now. All I can share is this:
http://www.dembot.net/images/facepalm/homer_facepalm.jpg

Anonymous laddder said...
DWIGHT you're a STUD start acting like one!

Classic teen fairytale of nerd getting the hot cheerleader from the jock.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
Sounds fake to me. "Girl, lemme show you somethin' in my bible. No, don't take it out of my hands...just open it....."

(it's his dick in a bible, that's the way you do it.)

Anonymous slasher said...
Hilarious. I find it funny how Dwight has this whole religious image, yet he has fathered a child with a former magic dancer (who was subsequently fired and the whole thing swept under the rug), and now he is apparantly chasing a porn star and acting like he's a love struck 15 year old.

He probably dodged a bullet anyway.

Anonymous persianOUTKAST said...
as long as you're posting funny NBA related articles from deadspin.com ,
why not post this much better one ...

http://deadspin.com/5392067/excerpts-from-the-book-the-nba-doesnt-want-you-to-read

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Bawful's been avoiding that like the plague. It's a convicted felon throwing dirt on a sport to make a buck. A felon, by the way, that was convicted for making said sport dirty by getting caught for betting and manipulating its games that he officiated.

As for "Superman" exposed, there needs to be a new rule. Whenever a NBA, NFL, MLB, or any other professional athlete signs a contract, there needs to be a strict "no women contact" clause in the contract. Yes, I went there. Avoid women, at all cost. These stories are getting ridiculous. Just play the game. Bork who you want after you retire. The players will still have the money to get anyone they want.

Anonymous men in black 3 said...
nice touch around the ladies, dropping your pants and all. guess he's fouling out of this as well

Blogger lordhenry said...
From the Daily Dime......

"Matt, what goes through your head everytime Ty shoots a jumper?"

Answer: "What goes through my head? My fist."

F*cking hilarious, the live dime is so much better when you are there man. Good stuff.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hell, why not play psychologist?
Nice guy Dwight wants to "save" Mary and be rewarded with her luscious booty. When the saving goes awry he settles for just the booty instead. (See 'white knight' phenomenon on the internets.)
Dwight has an identity crisis - super-centre with one offensive move playing for the Magic with a self-promoted Superman image, hello? - and it's pretty apparent here. Oh well. Celebrity drama ahoy.

Blogger Clifton said...
Anyone else remember Mary Carey's interview on The Daily Show, from about 4 years ago?... They were talking to her at the Republican National Convention, and at one point she lifts up her asscheek and farts, then giggles and asks if they'll edit that out, to which Stephen COlbert says, "Oh, of course."

I can't find it anywhere online, but it was hilarious.

Anonymous Wouter said...
This deserves a spot on bawful:

http://sports.espn.go.com/boston/nba/news/story?id=4625777

Seriously..

Anonymous Sun Devil said...
Yep, I remember that one Clifton. Colbert called it an "exclusive."

She also starred on VH1's Celebrity Rehab. She's a reaaaalll winner.

Blogger Victor said...
Oh Dwight. Looks like Van Gundy beat you too the punch as well.

http://tinyurl.com/yawtkvp

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Reminds me of this derrick comedy skit in terms of awkwardness.

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