So...I survived opening night at the Most Outdated Arena In The History Of The Universe. You might know that one, the local auditorium dating back to Fred Flintstone, Greg Oden's long-forgotten youth, and the viable dirigible transport industry...no modern amenities such as individual seats, or water fountains, or even...ah, I can't do it.


Despite being made of bailing wire, cardboard, and Elmer's glue, the old barn's still holding up somehow.

It's Arco Arena in the tract-house paradise of Natomas, and it may still have wooden floors underneath its red-and-blue chairs (Spud Webb-era colors!), and not enough luxury boxes to prevent the serfs of Sacramento from being able to attend...and for that reason, maybe it turned out to be the most appropriate place for the Not-Answer to make his off-the-pine debut for the Memphis Grizzlies.

So before I begin this photomontage, a brief game recap:

1st quarter: The Kings have no clue a game is going on. Z-Bo almost looks like he's trying in his own half-court.
2nd quarter: A little bit of catch-up as the Grizzlies realize they're not that good at D themselves. K-Mart gets the blue light special going.
3rd quarter: HEY! THE NOT-ANSWER! As Sacramento successfully accedes to his scoring touch, the Grizzlies choose to plant him back on the bench as much as they can.
4th quarter: Leading with a minute to go - nope, can't play defense - luckily, neither did Memphis.
OT: Memphis briefly leads early, a fan waxes nostalgic for The Karate Kid, Z-bo then fouls out, baby cubs score only 4 points the rest of the way and give up plenty more to lose by 11 to a previously winless team. And K-Mart scored 48 points, despite being severely rejected by the rim in the first half?!?!

After that eloquent description, one can see this is the type of game that will be on ESPN Classic someday. (That is, if ESPN Classic had a special on lacktion, instead of rehashing 1980s footage of a certain parquet surface.)

So now, in chronological order, are scenes from a stupefying showdown:


Schwag officially approved by the Association: instant street cred! (In Granite Bay perhaps, but not so much on Meadowview Road...)


So much grease, even Oliver Miller would be taken aback - briefly.

Captain Morgan pose!

K-Mart must be pining for a second career as an architect, considering his admiration of masonry.

Now here's something that must be appreciated in full size: a Freudian slip of a jersey!


Z-Bo wants no part in pre-game bromance!

If Kevin Martin was a thief, his skills would be compared to that of Winona Ryder's.

OJ Mayo must be drinking Red Bull, because he's got wings here.


We talkin' 'bout...not attempting a block?



In comparison, the rim played much better defense than the Not-Answer.

Tyreke Evans and OJ Mayo attempt to reenact "Top Gun."


If Tim Donaghy were here, the red-belted sumo-man would be at the charity stripe right now.

The last time Bobby Jackson was featured on this site...was in doll form.


Bromance DENIED!

Marc Gasol tries to commence a handball match on this basketball court.

K-Mart loses the 40 yard dash to a leather spheroid.


Mr. Martin believes in Jazzercise!


"Hot Streets" by Chicago featuring Donnie Dacus, revived.


Much more elevation than the San Diego Rockets ever had.


Tyreke Evans demonstrates the proper way to surrender, something Andres Nocioni could have used on Wednesday night.

Omri Casspi butts into the picture.

I hope this guy got his money's worth for 11 minutes of viewing interest from his perspective.

Unathleticism: still more calories burned here than on Brian Cook's behalf during his zero-second stint for the Rockets this week!

This may be a paper "sellout," and I may be Mario West in disguise. Right.

Now Marc thinks it's volleyball - where's Misty May when you need her.

The Harlem Globetrotters would probably be proud of this attempted trick...

Unathleticism, part 2. Yes, this guy's boss bet against him on both shots. Yes, the boss won each wager.

In this skit, Slamson plays the part of Manny Pacquiao while Floyd Mayweather, in tonight's crowd, plays...um...himself.


Ladies and gentlemen - former Most Valuable Player, the Not-Answer!!!!

Put your hands in the air like you just don't care: Z-Bo on defense.

Soon to be installed on Capitol Mall is this K-Mart and Z-Bo statue.


Iverson attempts a move straight out of Arch Rivals.

Jason Thompson provides a nice allegory for how both defenses played that night.

Z-Bo makes Spencer Hawes a bit uncomfortable...


Kenny Thomas and Marc Gasol: an arranged bromance.

Z-Bo gets sandwiched, making him consider a future pre-game visit to the Panera Bread on Del Paso Road.

With this sign blocking his ears, no wonder he's having a hard time sensing sound...

Ebenezeer Scrooge would've been happy to see the Kings' allergic nature towards charity in regulation.


End of the fourth: an occasion for hopscotch!?

Omri Casspi attempts to hold the line, hockey-style, with his chest.

Now it's Beno Udrih with the Captain Morgan stance...

Zach Randolph has a mandatory date with the bench, and likely one with the downtown Denny's soon after.

The view from Mr. Morita's eyes, doomed to watch the Kings forever...


And the above pose is the equivalent of Shaq looking at his hot hand, except for the "hot" part.

Alley-oop attempt in garbage time? Nothing unusual about that here, except it's the last minute of the extra period. (Or to put it bluntly, the Grizzlies got outscored 17-4 in the final four minutes of overtime.)


Had Andres Nocioni walked the line as well as K-Mart did, maybe he wouldn't have seen steel bars on Thursday morning...


And so concludes an evening of excruciating defense and scorching offense, one which satisfied my thirst for lacktion. How so?

Well, #24 for the purple paupers, Desmond Mason scored a 6.65 trillion, as seen by his passive accumulation of wealth at the tipoff. Four days later, he was waived, probably due to the Maloofs' envy of Desmond's ability to acquire funding so easily. (Maybe Desmond can give us a downtown stadium now? Yay?)