McFarlane Toys provides some of the best action figures available to people who like to collect tiny, plastic versions of their favorite superheros, movie monsters and/or pro athletes. But I got a pretty hearty chuckle out of this offering from their NBA 2009 (Series 16) line...available in April: Zach Randolph in his New York Knicks uniform.


Sadly, this amazing lacktion figure doesn't come with a prop teammate and/or opponent for Toy-Bo to punch, nor does it come with a three-point arc from behind which your Lacktion Zach could chuck up countless imaginary, buzzer-beating airballs. And while the face isn't nearly round or doughy enough, I will admit that the tiny manikin is virtually indistinguishable from the real Zach on defense: Stiff and unmoving.

Other great lacktion figures in Series 16 include Knee-Mac (apparently diving for a loose ball), Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (in his Craptors uni), and a LeBron James figure in which King Crab looks like he's squatting in apparent preparation for an emergency bowel evacuation. In fact, the product description says: "LBJ's fifth figure offers a completely unique pose -- with LeBron taking a moment during a timeout, planning out his next move..." Move-MENT, more like.

Speaking of product descriptions, here's the one for The Drain: "An off-season trade brought him to Toronto, where he's partnered with Chris Bosh as the new 'big and bigger' duo in the NBA." ("Big and bigger"? Make that "doomed and over" and we're good.) But even better is this description for Knee-Mac's mini-me: "McGrady remains the [Rocket's] most crucial player -- and sometimes being the leader means more than dunking the ball or shooting out the lights -- sometimes it means you've gotta sacrifice your body just to keep that ball inbounds..."

I love it when the jokes just write themselves. And, once again, these babies won't be out until next month. Pre-order yours today!

Labels: action figures, Jermaine O'Neal, Lebron James, unintentional hilarity, Zach Randolph

So on Wednesday afternoon, after getting stuck on traffic and finding myself on Stockton Boulevard (the main drag through South Sacramento), I realized that I wasn't too far from a few thrift stores in the south area. So hey, thought I, maybe I'll find some goodies for my camera (as Nikon's lens compatibility goes all the way back to about the time of the birth of Greg Oden).

While I didn't find those...I did find these two not-so-keepsakes at bargain prices. First off, Thrift Town at Stockton and Lawrence provided this "gem" -- a Darius Songaila plastic bobblehead worth only $3! So I took an impromptu photo of it in its environs outside, with a blank billboard in view. And yes, there was a second Songaila bobblehead available, assuming there is any demand for this lacktion figure of a role player now cashing in millions as part of the Washington Wizards Generals.


After that was done, I headed over to the Goodwill Store at Franklin and Florin, across the street from an abandoned Albertsons and Burger King duo. Not expecting to find more cartoonish representations of bawful, I ended up finding a Bobby Jackson doll from a Subway promotion -- for those who do believe that working way too hard for mediocrity will be rewarded! Like the Songalia shot, I framed this representation of the Kings' current operating budget pretty much near where I purchased it.


Somehow, I actually paid a dollar more for that, despite the not-so-lifelike detailing! Amazing.

Labels: action figures, Bobby Jackson, Darius Songaila, fan submissions, potato suck race, Sacramento Kings, stupid toys, Suckramento

I was perusing the Yahoo images from last night's game, and I saw this great ass-out image of Pau Gasol playing face-up defense on Kevin Garnett.


I knew I'd seen this awkward squat somehwhere before, and after a little poking around -- I swear by all that's holy that wasn't a pun -- I found it. (Sidenote: Is Timmy giving Pau an off the heezy?)


Sure, it's the proper defensive stance and everything, but, well, there's no blunt way to put this: It looks like Pau's taking a very uncomfortable (and probably unsatisfying) dump. Which, of course, reminded me of the classic defecating Pau Gasol "action" figurine... which is still available for only 14.00 Euros!


Whew. And I was worried I wouldn't be able to work in any poop jokes today.

Labels: action figures, defense, NBA Finals, Pau Gasol

If you've been sitting around thinking, "I'd like a 13-inch action figure that looks like Charles Barkley's mildly retarded twin brother," then this eBay auction is for you. This "unique collecting opportunity" can be yours for the low Buy It Now price of $5.99 (plus shipping and handling). But just in case you're still saving up for those plyometric jumpsoles, there are some upsides and downsides to consider before you waste the money that could be used to boost your vertical leap by an amazing 5 to 10 inches:

The downsides: The action figure is dressed in a Houston Rockets uniform instead of the classic Philly or Phoenix uniforms that Sir Charles wore during his better years. Oddly enough, it's not as fat as the Houston-era Barkley. In fact, it's strangely muscular, has a neck like a giraffe, and now that I think about it, the figure looks more like Roadblock from G.I. Joe than Charles Barkley. So unless your goal is to defeat the forces of COBRA, you might be a little disappointed.

The upsides: You can relive all those classic Barkley moments from his time with the Houston Rockets, like the first-round playoff exits, the time Scottie Pippen complained about his "fat butt," and of course the career-ending quadriceps tendon injury. And since the uniform is removable, you can undress him and -- assuming you have a grandfather figure of a similar size -- recreate the night of passion that followed his All-Star Game makeout session with Dick Bavetta.

Labels: action figures, Charles Barkley, eBay