2007 has already been a damn awesome year to be a retired NBA player. When they weren't busy receiving huge pay increases or having their preposterous comeback talks taken seriously or landing lucrative book deals based on their affinity for polesmoking, they were landing roles in high-profile reality shows. Just being an asshole is enough to become relevant again. Take note: if you want your basketball career to really take off, stop playing. Now.

Enter Charles Barkley. He started off by delivering an long-overdue egoectomy to referee Dick Bavetta, destroying the health nut in a footrace and sealing the improbable victory with a kiss. And not just the "Magic 'n Zeke awkward-goodbye-after-the-first-date" peck on the cheek, but a full fledged "I just did three years in the county and I will hump the first thing I see" kiss on the goddamn mouth. I cringed watching this. I can't imagine how his 40-year old son and his teenage grandson must have felt.


"Yes, son, that is your granddad..being kissed on the motherf***ing mouth by a 400-pound Milk Dud."

Barkleymania has seen such a comeback that fanboy Chef Boyardee is making his own home-brewed sequel to Chuck's Super Nintendo game "Shut Up and Jam". But it's much more ambitious than just another ordinary basketball game. It's a freakin' Final Fantasy-style role-playing game based on Sir Charles traveling into the future to fight a post-apocalyptic basketball genocide that could lead to the very end of civilization. I am not making this up.

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