I just read this totally unsurprising bit of news on the ESPN NBA Rumors page:

Jermaine O'Neal missed a second consecutive practice on Monday due to a tight left hamstring and will be shut down for the week as a precautionary measure. He will miss the first two exhibition games against the 76ers and Nets.

So The Drain is already hurt and has to be shut down for the week? Before appearing in a single preseason game for the Celtics? He must have been forced to do demanding and rigorous things during the C's practice sessions. Like maybe deep breathing and standing in place.

For the record, O'Neal ranks first among NBA players I could see straining a hammy while just standing. Carlos Boozer ranks a very close second. Greg Oden doesn't make this list because his hamstring would probably erupt out of his leg and try to strangle him if he so much as thought about standing up.

Head coach Doc Rivers says he won't take any chances this early in the year and will give time to the rookies.

"I just think that, when you look at [Shaquille O'Neal] and Jermaine, and think they can play 82 healthy games -- that'd be nice, but we have to be ready for them to miss a couple games and be able to play through it," Rivers told ESPNBoston.com. "That's why guys like Luke Harangody and Semih Erden are so important. Until Kendrick Perkins comes back, they're going to have to play, one of them at least."

Let's recap: Drain and The Big Geritol were Boston's two great offseason pickups, yet Doc Rivers has so little confidence in their ability to stay healthy that Luke Harangody and Semih Erden have apparently become critical to the Celtics' championship aspirations.

Luke Harangody and Semih Erden.

The sound you just heard were the Vegas oddsmakers scrambling to lower Boston's chances at making it back to the Finals next summer. Either that or Phil Jackson laughing. Or maybe Red Auerbach's soul crying out in despair from the afterlife. Take your pick.

O'Neal say he isn't worried about the hamstring, but defining his role on the team.

"I'm not really concerned about [the hamstring]," O'Neal said. "I'm more concerned about being in with the guys and getting that chemistry up. The first four days [of camp] were really good. Wednedsay, Thursday, and Friday [at camp], I was just starting to get comfortable with the system, the philosophies that Doc wanted and also playing with those guys. It's very difficult to learn areas of an offense and defense when you're not in there. That's probably the most frustrating part about it, but I don't have any doubt in my mind that I'll be back in there soon."

No doubt. Then back out of there. Then back in there. Then back out of there...

Labels: Boston Celtics, Doc Rivers, Jermaine O'Neal, Shaq

Woah, take it down a notch, Andre!
The playoffs have resulted in us asking many questions. However, one question stands above the rest:

What the hell is going on with the plaid epidemic sweeping the NBA?

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Basketbawful reader Adrian submitted the following gem:

Larry Hughes' facial expression is golden, but it's secondary to the unintentional humour in the provided photo caption.

Forward Vince Carter #15 of the Orlando Magic drives in the lane while Tyson Chandler #6 (L) of the Charlotte Bobcats defends him and Bobcats forward Larry Hughes (R) looks on during Game Three of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals during the 2010 NBA Playoffs at Time Warner Cable Arena on April 24, 2010 in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Isn't that all Big-Shot Larry is good for these days anyway?

Not true. Big Shot Larry is also good at being the butt of many jokes!

"I'm not sure about this deodorant. What do you think?"

I had no idea you could cram so much wasted talent and so much bawful into one photo
All The Games:
Heat at Celtics - NBA TV, 7:00pm
Celtics lead series 3-1

How much longer can Dwyane Wade single-handedly will his team through the playoffs? What more can Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal do to murder his team? (Is someone watching kazam92 to make sure he doesn't snap and go on a rampage?)

Bulls at Crabs - TNT, 8:00pm
Crabs lead series 3-1

Kudos to the Bulls for not getting swept. They've shown some heart in this series. But I don't think it will matter much in the long run. And the long run might just end tonight.

Spurs at Mavericks - NBA TV, 9:30pm
Spurs lead series 3-1

I will not lie and tell you I foresaw George Hill being a serious force in this series. I will, however, enjoy every minute of it. You know, except for the "not being able to see this game without driving to a sports bar" part.

Thunder at Lakers - TNT, 10:30pm
Series tied 2-2

The Thunder are a good team, but they're young and about to play a road game with serious potential for a barrage of superstar calls to smack them down. I am very interested to see how they handle it. Not interested enough to stay up until almost 1am, but you can bet I'll watch some of the game.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Jermaine O'Neal, Larry Hughes

They're already arguing...over who gets to leave the team first.
Hey, everybody. I still look and feel like somebody whacked me in the left eye with a life-sized Kobe Bryant bobblehead doll...but I am getting better. So, in between working on the Livin' Large epilogue, I decided to get my feet wet by reporting a little recent 'bawful. At first I didn't know what to write about, but then I waited five minutes and the material pretty much wrote itself.

Stephen Jackson: With the untimely (but not all that surprising) death of Michael Jackson, Golden State's very own Stephen Jackson has become the world's reigning "Wacko Jacko." And here's his latest misadventure: Jackson recently demanded a trade to "Cleveland, New York or one of the Texas teams." Naturally, this demand was made not to Warriors management or coaches, but at South Street Seaport in New York during a block party put on by their sneaker company Protege. Mind you, Jackson signed a three-year extension worth $28 million last November.

The NBA fined Captain Jack $25,000 for "public statements detrimental to the NBA." (Imagine what David Stern would have fined him if he'd blasted management and teammates en route to his trade demand and all that had been caught on camera phone by a couple schlubs in a parking lot. I bet the league would have really cracked down...on that...oh nevermind.) The Warriors, on the other hand, tried to sweep the situation under the rug.

Then came media day and the chance for a fresh start...that ended up being as fresh as flatulence on an elevator. Said Jackson: "What I said is how I feel. Point blank. And that's not going to change." But wait, there's more: "I'm made for the playoffs and championships. That's what I play for. I'm Big Shot Jack." Forget the fact that somebody needs to hit "reset" on his reality button...wasn't New York one of his trade destinations? Didn't the Knicks finish 32-50 last season? And when was the last time they even made the playoffs anyway? As always, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Monta Ellis: Don't make the mistake of assuming that Jackson was the Warriors' biggest distraction at media day. He most certainly was not. That honor went to Monta Ellis, the team's franchise player. Ellis -- the same dude who torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million contract extension -- went on record saying that he didn't think he could play alongside newly drafted point guard Stephen Curry. Here's how that conversation went:

Question: "Do you envision yourself playing together in the backcourt?"

Ellis: "I can't. I can't answer that. Us together? No."

Q: "Why not?

Ellis: "Huh?"

Q: "Why not?"

Ellis: "Can't."

Q: Why?

Ellis: "Just can't."

Q: "Too small? Too similar?"

Ellis: "Just can't."

Q: (Do) you understand they say you can?

Ellis: "They say we can, but we can't."

Q: You wouldn't want to give it a shot?

Ellis: "I just want to win. That's not going to win that way. You can't put two small guys out there and try to play (point guard) and (shooting guard) when you've got big (shooting) guards in the league. You just can't do it. OK, yes, we're going to move up and down fast, but eventually the game is going to slow down. You can't do it."

Good thing the Warriors only have five more years left on that contract extension...

Richard Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince: The Pistons may have torched the 2008-09 season by trading Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson, then lost Rasheed Wallace to the Boston Celtics, then spent spent over $90 million on Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva, and then brought back a five levels past washed-up Ben Wallace...but don't tell Rip and Tayshaun that the team is rebuilding.

Said Hamilton: "I don't look at it as rebuilding. We want to win and we want to win now. I don't think Ben (Wallace) came back here for a rebuilding time. He feels we have an opportunity to do something special. We have a great group of guys but we have to learn."

Added Prince: "People think it is a rebuilding year, but this is an opportunity to show last year wasn't the real Detroit Pistons. It's been a great organization since I've been here and what you saw last year was unacceptable from all aspects."

Still no word on whether or not those quotes were delivered with a straight face.

Jermaine O'Neal: Yes! The man that we have dubbed "The Drain" has announced that the injury problems that have made him a mockery for the past few seasons are finally history. Said O'Neal: "I'm 100 percent (healthy). The knee isn't giving me any problems. If I had any summer to get back, this was my summer."

So how'd he do it? Here's how:

O'Neal underwent two rigorous off-season workout programs -- a seven-week session with the Heat's trainers followed by an eight-week session with noted fitness guru Tim Grover, the Chicago-based expert who helped Heat guard Dwyane Wade regain his health last summer.

"What he's done this summer," coach Erik Spoelstra said, "is akin to what Dwyane did last year."

Wow. Impressive that, after all these years, Jermaine would get super-serious about his physical conditioning. I wonder...what could have changed? Oh, by the way, did I mention that this is a contract year for The Drain? Dismissed as coincidence...

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Golden State Warriors, Jermaine O'Neal, Miami Heat, Monta Ellis, Rip Hamilton, Stephen Jackson, Tayshaun Prince

McFarlane Toys provides some of the best action figures available to people who like to collect tiny, plastic versions of their favorite superheros, movie monsters and/or pro athletes. But I got a pretty hearty chuckle out of this offering from their NBA 2009 (Series 16) line...available in April: Zach Randolph in his New York Knicks uniform.


Sadly, this amazing lacktion figure doesn't come with a prop teammate and/or opponent for Toy-Bo to punch, nor does it come with a three-point arc from behind which your Lacktion Zach could chuck up countless imaginary, buzzer-beating airballs. And while the face isn't nearly round or doughy enough, I will admit that the tiny manikin is virtually indistinguishable from the real Zach on defense: Stiff and unmoving.

Other great lacktion figures in Series 16 include Knee-Mac (apparently diving for a loose ball), Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal (in his Craptors uni), and a LeBron James figure in which King Crab looks like he's squatting in apparent preparation for an emergency bowel evacuation. In fact, the product description says: "LBJ's fifth figure offers a completely unique pose -- with LeBron taking a moment during a timeout, planning out his next move..." Move-MENT, more like.

Speaking of product descriptions, here's the one for The Drain: "An off-season trade brought him to Toronto, where he's partnered with Chris Bosh as the new 'big and bigger' duo in the NBA." ("Big and bigger"? Make that "doomed and over" and we're good.) But even better is this description for Knee-Mac's mini-me: "McGrady remains the [Rocket's] most crucial player -- and sometimes being the leader means more than dunking the ball or shooting out the lights -- sometimes it means you've gotta sacrifice your body just to keep that ball inbounds..."

I love it when the jokes just write themselves. And, once again, these babies won't be out until next month. Pre-order yours today!

Labels: action figures, Jermaine O'Neal, Lebron James, unintentional hilarity, Zach Randolph

"Hmmmmm.....You Got Served it is!!!"
Thanks to Shayan of Mediocre Forever for the pic.

Vanessa Bryant: According to the news: "Family housekeeper Maria Jimenez claims Bryant's wife, Vanessa, routinely harangued her -- calling her "lazy, slow, dumb, a f**king liar and f**king sh*t" -- and ordered her to stick her hand in a bag of dog feces to retrieve a price tag for a blouse that had been thrown away with the pet poop. In a suit filed in California's Orange County Superior Court, Jimenez said the abusive Lakers wife made the disgusting demand after the maid put an expensive blouse in the washing machine. Vanessa -- who insisted Jimenez reimburse her for the frock wanted to show her how much it cost, the papers allege. When Jimenez tried to quit, Vanessa Bryant told her she 'had to work until payday to pay for the $690 blouse, which she did.'" Wow. All I have to say is that if Vanessa had just let Kobe make Luke Walton or Adam Morrison stick THEIR hands in the poop like Mamba suggested, none of this ever would have happened.

(Actually, that's not true. According to the lawsuit, Vanessa has accused Jimenez of stealing her dental retainer, and "badgered, harassed and humiliated" the housekeeper by "yelling and screaming" at her in front of Bryant, the couple's kids, and other people in the house. So I guess making her handle doggy doo was just the last straw.)

Agent Zero's retirement: Don't freak out. He's going to play basketball again...some day. What he's retiring from is blogging. You know, that thing he hasn't done since November. His reasoning: "It's just like the double-(edged) sword thing: Eventually your words is going to kill you. ... I started looking at it as, before, it was fun, and everybody has fun reading it. And then it's like everything I said, everybody started using it as firepower, instead of saying it's just entertainment. You know, people started using it, trying to take bits and pieces instead of enjoying the blog. So once I started seeing that, I just started visualizing, eventually, this is going to be the double-(edged) sword thing. It made me and it's going to kill me, so I might as well stop."

I can't quite decide what's worst here: The fact that Gil is so insecure and thin-skinned that the ham-fisted judgments that inevitably levied against high-profile public figures have caused him to give up something he so clearly loved, or that this whole knee injury cycle has seemingly sucked the fun out of the clown prince of the NBA. I mean, do we really want a quiet, introspective period out of Agent Zero?

The Miami Heat: Last night's 2-point road loss to the Pacers served to illustrate just how vulnerable this Heat team is. Basically, the can't win minus a superhuman performance from Dwyane Wade, even against conference "rival" that's 12 games below .500, missing a key player (Troy Murphy) and just killing time until the offseason. Remember the old "Incredible Hulk" TV show? Yeah, David Banner only turned into the Hulk like twice an episode. This season for Wade has been the NBA-equivalent of a 12 or 13-transformation episode. I'm not sure how radiation-induced transformations work, but Pookie probably has no choice but to let out his inner David Banner every once in a while. Speaking of which...

Dwyane Wade's shooting: He still made his usual all-around contributions (4 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals), but his misguided shooting would have made Larry Hughes wince: 5-for-24, 1-for-6 from behind the arc. Maybe he had something in his eye. Like a Buick.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain gave his former team a little taste of what they gave up: 6-for-14 shooting and only 2 rebounds in 31 minutes. Oh, and three of his shots got blocked. It's like he never left.

Jamario Moon: The Other Guy from the Toronto trade sure has cooled off lately. Last night he went 2-for-7 and missed all four of his three-point attempts. Minus that 17-point game at Detroit on the 22nd, he's gone for 5, 9, 0, 6, 3 and 3 points in his last seven games.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Last night's loss to the Craptors, in which Andrea Bargnani scored a game-high 23 points on them, was another nail in the coffin of their playoff hopes. And unless they pull some serious Bela Lugosi sh*t, the following comments by Richard Jefferson might serve as the eulogy: "Right now, when we need to be playing our best basketball, our most competitive, we're not. We're playing subpar basketball at a time when teams are picking it up. Even some of the teams that might not be in the hunt are picking up their intensity and we haven't done that the last couple of weeks." The 10th place Bucks are now a full three games behind eighth place Chicago. Cue the Undertaker music.

The New Jersey Nets: They are now 19-33 since the injured Devin Harris said: "We knew we were going to be a playoff team." New Jersey is currently ranked 11th in the East, 3.5 games behind the eighth place Bulls.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: From Basketbawful reader Brendan P: "Well it looks like the 2009-10 season (or the 2009 draft) started early for the Timberwolves today against Philly, starting Bobby Brown, Rodney Carney and Craig Smith. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a T-Wolves fan and these guys could be the future of the team (by the way Carney shot 7-for-8 from downtown so woo!) and they do need game experience, but to start them? Why not give them some burn off the bench? Then again, with Mike Miller's an epic failure at point guard, Sebastian Telfair's macaroni and paste ankles and Jefferson out for the season I guess I can forgive them. Bring on the season home opener??"

The Atlanta Hawks: So much for their homecourt dominance. The Spurs were missing Tim Duncan (resting his aching knees) and the newly-returned Manu Ginobili went 1-for-7 and missed all three of his triples. Didn't matter. San Antonio shot almost 55 percent as a team and Tony Parker (42 points, 18-for-25, 10 assists) destroyed any and all who daried to guard him. Said Maurice Evans: "It's disappointing because we are right there and we have lost to two elite teams in Cleveland and San Antonio. That's the true test, how you stack up against the best in the league." Indeed it is.

Update! Josh Smith: From Edgar: "I'd like to offer up a WotN nomination for Josh Smith. I was at the Hawks v. Spurs game last night and the stats don't fully explain how terrible Smoove played. It started in the first when he injured Joe Johnson's ankle (of course Woody still played Joe for 44 minutes). Later in the half, Smoove pivoted into Al Horford, resulting in one of his game-high four turnovers. After that nugget of brilliance, Smoove charged down court, hacked Tony Parker and then walked away from Mike Woodon's earful. Tony Parker tore it up last night, but it helped that Smoove failed consistently to pick up the switch in time to deny Parker from getting to the basket (though Smoove did come up with a team-high three goal-tending violations). Smoove also missed five of 11 free throws (the Spurs missed 1 as a team) and went 3-12 from the floor for 12 points. To drive the point home, with Duncan out for the Spurs, the Hawks used a small lineup at times featuring Horford, Zaza Pachulia, Flip Murray, Joe and Mike Bibby/Mario West. Zaza was only really on the court when Smoove sat on the pine. Zaza's +/- was +7. Smoove's was -14. It's a bad sign when your team plays better when Zaza Pachulia is siphoning off minutes from your $60 million power forward."

Mike Woodson, knowing who's who machine: Regarding the play of Joe Johnson, who scored a team-high 30 points: "Joe was Joe."

The New York Knicks: Remember how the Sacramento Kings pummeled them at Madison Square Garden last week? That probably would have qualified as the nadir of their season until last night's home flop against the Clippers...particularly since New York had built a 19-point lead about six minutes into the game. I'll give the Knicks this much though: They were more competitive. Offensively, anyway. But The Other L.A. team put up 140 points. And yes, I realize the game went to overtime, but still...when your defense makes the freaking Clippers look like the Suns on a good night, then something has gone very, very wrong.

By the way, the utter defenselessness of this game probably would have killed Bill Russell if he'd watched it. The Knicks shot 55 percent and the Clippers -- THE CLIPPERS!! -- shot nearly 58 percent. Defense is a choice, people. Just like murder and parachute pants. Which now that I think of it are probably bad analogies. Anyway, coach Mike 'Antoni said: "We didn't guard anybody, that's pretty obvious. Somehow, somewhere the game's got to be a little more important than just going out there and playing. We're just not there." I'm not even gonna touch that one...

Update! Al Harrington: Look, folks, sometimes I make mistakes. Today, I made a doozy, accidentally omitting Al from WotN. Fortunately, luman corrected this unforgivable gaffe: "Whoa, how could you have not mentioned ANYTHING about the bawfulness that was Al Harrington's dunk with 30 secs to go? He made a great move, got open, went up, and slammed it home with both hands for safety. 3 point lead, game in hand right? Nah. The Genius-That-Is-Al Harrington (can we make this his nick?) then proceeded to do a pull up on the rim and *possibly* slap the backboard. He argued the T vehemently, but just looking like you did something T-worthy is enough these days (Former teammate S-Jax knows this from his inexplicable T last night). Apparently he committed the same atrocity against the clips in LA a month ago, and both times the clips came back to win. Has anyone made Mike D'Antoni go to Defcon 5 more than Al?"

Basketbawful reader Karc was similarly nonplussed: "Al Harrington is a moron, a flat out moron. In the last game against the Clippers, he dunks the ball for a three-point lead with less than 30 seconds left, then gets a technical foul for hanging on the rim and slapping the backboard like the game is over. Of course, the Clippers win the game in OT. So what does Harrington do? He makes a dunk last night with less than 30 seconds left to give the Knicks another three point lead, then kicks his legs over the top of a Clipper while hanging on the rim to showoff, and is hit with ANOTHER technical foul. And again, the Clippers win in OT. It's just too funny, that a professional basketball player gets the same technical foul in the same scenario against the same team twice. And this one wasn't like a frustration thing where he got hit in the face. He was trying to show off and do a pullup on the damn rim, and just happened to go over a Clipper. If he had done that in the open court, he still would have been T'ed up. What an idiot."

And, finally, DDC provided "photographic evidence of Al's bawfulry":


Zach Randolph, delusions of grandeur machine: Regarding his escape from New York: "I don’t know why they traded me. I didn't understand it, but it's a business, you know. I feel like I'm one of the best power forwards, underrated power forwards in the league, too." Oh, I can think of a few reasons why they traded you, Zach. In related news, Randolph currently has 14 blocks on the season. To put this into perspective for you, Sebastian Telfair and Steve Nash both have 10, Sasha Pavlovic has 16, Kirk Hinrich has 17, Jason Terry has 18, and Ben Gordon has 21. See where I'm going with this?

Basketbawful Yiping wrote in to add his two cents: "Someone's really got to show Mr Zach 'I'm one of the best power forwards' Randolph those video clips that you have posted of him launching those threes. Apparently he is now as good as Duncan, Nowitzki and Garnett." Yeah, but hey, you've gotta give him points for believing in himself. I mean, did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, called simply Whitney Houston had 4 number one singles on it? Did you know that, Yiping? It's hard to choose a favorite among so many great tracks, but "The Greatest Love of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves. Since it's impossible in this world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves. It's an important message, crucial really. And it's beautifully stated on the album. [/Patrick Bateman]

Update! Basketbawful reader Victor commented: "Oh it gets better. Zach Randolph says he's better than Chris Bosh. From this article."

Randolph laughed when I asked him if he felt the Knicks made a mistake in trading him away.

"Yeah," he said with a big smile beaming. "It was definitely a mistake."

But the decision was an obvious one. The Knicks wanted to dump Randolph's contract off the 2010-11 payroll (and also moved Jamal Crawford that day) to make room for a big play in free agency in 2010. The LeBronathon has lost some steam since then, but Randolph says he thinks it could happen.

"It's gonna be interesting," he said.

If they wind up with LeBron, Zach says he can understand moving him. But Chris Bosh?

"I'm better than Chris Bosh," he said.

Told that line will make headlines, Zach gave a dismissive wave and said, "I'd tell him to his face."

Them's some mighty big words there, Z-Bo. And they might contain a small kernal of truth if NBA players weren't also expected to play defense during the course of a game.

The Los Angeles Clippers: I received a link to this frightening news from Basketbawful reader Mark L. in an email titled "oh dear god." From ESPN: "Isiah Thomas is actively seeking work again, and he spoke several weeks ago with Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling in a meeting arranged by current coach/general manager Mike Dunleavy, ESPN.com learned Wednesday. Several NBA sources confirmed the February meeting between the former president and general manager of the New York Knicks, adding that there were follow-up discussions between Thomas and other high-ranking club officials -- but also stressing that no job has been offered.
Discussions between former Knicks GM Isiah Thomas and the Los Angeles Clippers were described by one source as informal yet substantive. Sterling is said to be considering adding another executive to the Los Angeles front office to alleviate some of Dunleavy's responsibilities in his dual role as coach and general manager. Former Lakers and Grizzlies general manager Jerry West was linked to a possible Clippers front office job before he publicly disavowed any interest."

A marriage of Zeke and the Clippers? Urivaled terror. As Basketbawful reader jhaig said: "That's gotta be up there with that time the Ghostbusters had to cross the streams in terms of threats to the very fabric of our Universe."

Doc Rivers: He essentially conceded the game -- and second place in the Eastern Conference -- to the Magic by limiting Kevin Garnett to 16 minutes and 31 seconds. Meanwhile, Paul Pierce's minutes continue to climb. He's logged 40+ minutes in six out of 13 games this month, and he's played 37+ four other times. So it's great that KG will be all springtime fresh for the playoffs, but poor Paul is going to be a withered husk.

And seriously, you're telling me that Garnett couldn't have played an extra five minutes down the stretch? I get that Doc wants KG healthy for the playoffs. I do, and to a certain extent, I support trying to keep his minutes down. But this is a little farcical. If Kevin's not ready to play 20 minutes in a really important game, then maybe he shouldn't be playing at all.

Stan Van Grumpy, grump machine: He's gone after Shaq for flopping. He crucified the Knicks for not throwing Patrick Chewing a coaching bone. Now he's going after the press for discussing Boston's injury problems: "I want to know how some teams get on the list, where they get excuses and other teams are not on that list. All I've been hearing about is all the injury problems the Celtics have had this year." Seems Van Grumpy is a tad bitter about how nobody is giving him and his team props for trudging on sans Jameer Nelson. And it's a fair point. But it would have sounded better if Stan wasn't such a front runner. I hate those guys.

Update! Bobcats-Wizards: Man, I blew another one. But Andrei had my back:

I know that this is a mega post already, but I just wanted to point out the sequence that occurred at the end of the Bobcats-Wizards game.

With 1:23 left in the game the Wiz were up 4 and looking to wrap up the game. The Wizards secure an offensive rebound and promptly turn the ball over and foul Raymond Felton. With the possibility of closing the gap to 2 points, Raymond bricks both free throws and the Wiz call time out.

The Wizards then can't carry out a simple inbound play and turn the ball over. The Bobcats are feeling generous and give the ball right back. What is the next play you ask? Mike James manages to catch the inbound pass and dribbles into a double team resulting in a turnover.

The Bobcats call a time out and once play resumes get a miss match of Nick Young (a guard) guarding Boris Diaw (a forward), the end result as you can guess is that Young stuffs Diaw's jump hook, retrieves the ball and gets fouled. Young hits both free throws and the Wiz are up 6.

The Wiz are now in control and just need to not foul and hit free throws to secure their 17th win. What do they do? They foul DJ Augustin and he hits both free throws, 4 point game. Washington calls time out and advances the ball to half court.

After discussing strategy (one would hope) in the huddle, the Wizards turn the ball over on the inbound play (that's the 3rd time in less than 2 minutes). The Bobcats score and it's 2 point game. The Wizards promptly turn the ball over again.

The Bobcats do not want the Wiz's charity and Gerald Wallace misses a lay-up. The Wizards can finally put the game out of reach by making 2 free throws with 13 seconds left. The veteran Antawn Jamison steps to the line and calmly bricks one of the two to keep Charlotte in the game down by just 3.

Coming out the timeout Gerald Wallace drives to the hoop, if he doesn't get fouled and scores it's a one point game with 6 seconds left and the Wizards almost assured of a win. Wallace gets hit by Dominic McGuire in mid air and makes the hoop, giving himself the chance to tie the game with the coming free throw. At this point I knew that there was no way in hell he was going to hit that shot and something spectacularly awful was going to happen.

Wallace takes his time and sets up at the free throw line...he doinks it hard off the back of the rim. The Wizards can't secure the rebound and the ball gets volleyballed around until Emeka Okeafor gets the ball and misses a tough layup. Of course no one bothered to block out Diaw and he comes flying untouched to retrieve the ball in mid air. Instead of hitting the game winning put back from point blank range, the frenchman airballs his layup attempt. The Wiz get the ball with .3 seconds left and Jamison misses the second free throw on purpose and the game is over.

That was the worst 1:23 of basketball I have ever seen, it took me hours to clean up the vomit from my couch after watching this gut churning Bawfulness.

I'd also like to give a little extra wag of the finger to the 'Cats, who supposedly are fighting for that last playoff spot. You don't make the postseason by losing to the worst team in your conference during the stretch run.

The New Orleans Hornets: Last night's 101-88 home loss to the Nuggets was, to me, symptomatic of a larger problem: The Hornets just aren't playing that well. And don't give me that "But they just had a three-game winning streak" crap. They beat the Timberwolves, Grizzlies and Warriors. That's like three extra practices, nothing more. And yes, I know Tyson Chandler is out -- I guess he wasn't as healthy as we thought -- but the team has so little depth that I'm starting to get that smoke-and-mirrors feeling. Chris Paul is amazing, yes, and David West is a stud, no doubt. Chandler is pretty good when he's able to lace 'em up. Past that? Anyone? Bueller? Oh, right, Peja Stojakovic used to be on this team, too. But he's been out 11 straight games...and it feels more like 20+. I don't think it's their year.

The Golden State Warriors: Let's see...they gave up 128 points on nearly 60 percent shooting in a loss to the Mavericks in Dallas. Yep. The Warriors have officially acheived "They Are Who We Thought They Were" status. Said Stephen Jackson: "It was one of those tough nights. We didn't get calls, things were going their way, our defense was terrible. They stayed on it the whole game and we were never able to get back." He probably could have just said "our defense was terrible" and left it at that.

The Utah Jazz: From Basketbawful reader DKH: "I'm filing a worst-of nomination for the Utah Jazz: for their clutch ability to give up fast break points to the Suns. On three consecutive possessions, the Suns got easy plays at the basket off fast breaks (J-Rich boned a dunk, though). That wouldn't be so bad, except that Shaq beat the entire Jazz team down the court for a fast break dunk. This came at the end of the game, when the Suns were making me incredibly tense every time they went into a half court set. They almost never got it into Shaq. Instead it'd be some isolation for a wing player. Amazingly, the wing player (Hill against Korver and Barnes against Brewer) would make the basket, but it wasn't pretty."

In all fairness to the Jazz, they looked a little gassed at the end of the game, probably because of the previous night's win over the Rockets, which I guess makes that victory a little Pyrrhic. Note that they also went 16-for-27 at the line. Said Jerry Sloan: "And when you shoot free throws like that in a game like this, that's the ball game. It makes it very difficult. Plus, we gave up too many points in the paint. They scored 68 points in the paint, and I don’t know when any team has scored so many points in the paint against us."

Lacktion report: No WotN post is complete without Chris's lactivity update:

Heat-Pacers: Daequan Cook fried up a brick for a +1 suck differential in 6:10 of playing time for the Heat.

Meanwhile, Indianapolis native Josh McRoberts gave the home fans a statline to sleep on -- one brick, block against, and foul each for a +3 in 4:15.

Bobcats-Wizards: Oleksiy Pecherov stopped saying "nyet" to lacktivity with a solid return to form in 6:02, bricking once from downtown and fouling twice for a +3.

Meanwhile, DeSagana Diop provided Charlotte a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl (two each of giveaways and fouls against three boards) in 14:31.

Bucks-Raptors: While Patrick O'Bryant stayed in his warm-ups, the youngest member of the Little Three of Lacktivity put on a sideshow for the Paleolithic. Nathan Jawai waved a Power Glove at the crowd with his 34-second Mario!

Nets-Cavs: Tarence Kinsey had faded from his fine non-contributory play in recent games, but is back on track with a tax return processed in Quicken that was worth 1.7 trillion!

Wolves-Sixers: Bobby Brown was randomly placed as a starter by Kevin McHale, but unlike most bench jockeys forced into the anti-lacktive position of starting, he reached all the right notes in continuing to lack it up in his 9:19 stint. One turnover and two bricks provided the melody for a +3.

Spurs-Hawks: Gregg Popovich took the opportunity presented by a late-game thwacking of the Hawks to bring out two renowned human victory cigars. Fabricio Oberto did get credit for a board, but three fouls in 6:41 paved the way for a 3:1 Voskuhl! Meanwhile, former trillionaire champion Bruce Bowen's renaissance as a lacktator continues with a one-giveaway +1 in 4:09.

Clippers-Knicks: You know it's a strange night at the Garden when 275 points are scored, and the Clippers' starting center Marcus Camby didn't even factor into any of them - but got just enough rebounds to negate a potential Voskuhl! Stranger still, Mike Dunleavy got the chance to have Steve Novak play as the human victory cigar, bricking from behind the arc for a +1 in 7:01 -- meaning that he was the only other player to not contribute a single point.

Celtics-Magic: Bill Walker probably wishes he had been called up earlier in the season, as he is making a case to be one of the emerging star lacktators this year -- fouling twice for a +2 in 3:12 tonight. Meanwhile, Shaq's least favorite coach in the history of the universe got to relish a win over the defending NBA champions with human victory cigar JJ Redick, who earned 1.5 trillion.

Nuggets-Hornets: Jason Hart checked into Hotel Mario for a 36-second stay!

Warriors-Mavs: Matt Carroll sang a tune of two bricks (once from downtown) for a +2 in 4:02.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Dwyane Wade, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Vanessa Bryant, Worst of the Night

Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot: See that picture? Bango got hurt! During All-Star game festivities. No, really.


It's all fun and games until a man dressed as an animal tears his ACL falling through a basketball hoop. The Bucks, of course, released a statement: "While gazelle-like dunks and agile maneuvers around the court will be impossible for a time, the heart of Bucks game-night entertainment and the emotional leader of Bucks fans of all ages will continue to lead fan enthusiasm at home games."

Take-backs: Just when the people of Oklahoma City had something (other than Kevin Durant's scoring) to get excited about, Tyson Chandler magically became a Hornet again. If you consider "failing a physical because of turf toe" to be magical. Wow. This is the first time -- in any sport -- I've heard about a turf-toe condition killing a trade. And he failed a physical because of it? I guess that physical had a lot of toe-related tests. ("Okay, Tyson, we need to you push this two-ton granite slab across the court and then fight off a pack of wild dogs...using only your toe. Now: GO!") Why do I get the feeling that Thunder GM Sam Presti rather have expiring contracts than Chandler's salary, which will be close to $12 million next season?

And now Chandler is heading back to New Orleans. I'm sure he'll be totally psyched to get healthy and play hard for a team that was willing to give him away for table scraps. Can't you just imagine Byron Scott calling him and saying, "Tyson, we NEED you!" and Chandler responding, "Sorry, coach, my toe...it's still pretty sore." I can then envision him hanging up before erupting into evil laughter as he destroys a marble bust of James Bond using the laser attachment on his new bionic toe implant.

The Indiana Pacers: Honestly, they didn't have much of a chance to beat the Bobcats after Danny Granger left the game with a sprained right foot. Granger scored 12 points in 10 minutes before he went down. Said Pacers coach Jim O'Brien: "Not enough weapons. When we lost Danny, obviously that hurts a great deal. We just didn't make enough shots. We had a lot of open shots in the fourth quarter, point-blank shots, and didn’t make them." By the way, Granger is currently sixth in the league in scoring (behind D-Wade, LeBron, Kobe, Kevin Durant and Dirk Nowitzki) at 25.0 PPG. But he plays for the Pacers, so it's like those points don't even exist. I might as well say he's averaging 43 snipe per game and has collected two pieces of the Triforce so far this season.

By the way, Indiana's Troy Murphy is averaging 13.1 PPG, 11.4 RPG and 43 percent three-point shooting. Meanwhile, New York's David Lee is averaging 16.4 PPG, 11.8 RPG and 56 percent shooting (all layups). Only nobody (outside of the beat writers covering the Pacers for the Associated Press) is talking about Murphy while many people are all like, "OH MY GOD, DAVID LEE!" I'm not trying to agree with Bill Simmons or anything, but Mike D'Antoni sure has changed the perception of Lee's career.

Update! I swear I'm not talking out of my you-know-what here. Take a look at Lee's advanced stats. Now look at Murphy's. Lee is a couple points ahead in PER, but he's played almost 200 more minutes and has a higher Usage Rate (19.1 to 16.1). But their Per 36 Minute numbers are pretty much the same, as are their Offensive/Defensive Ratings and True Shooting Percentage. Lee's one big advantage over Murphy, as Wild Yams pointed out, is contract size: Lee's contract is $4.47 million for this year and next year while Murphy's is $33.14m for the next three years. But keep in mind that Lee will be a restricted free agent this summer...and people will be throwing money at him. I guarantee it. So that advantage may not be so advantageous six months from now...

Ben Wallace: AK Dave turned me on to this story: "Wallace explained Wednesday how he cut his right arm crashing through a car window during a street football game in Richmond, Va., over the All-Star break. Wallace needed 14 stitches to close the cut, then had more glass removed from his arm at the Cleveland Clinic the following day. ... Asked who won the collision with the car, Wallace said he did, then paused. 'I guess,' he said. 'The window didn't bleed. I don't think it was made to bleed.' The play didn’t go down as a reception, either. 'That was the biggest disappointment,' Wallace said. 'I dropped the ball. That's good D.'"

As AK Dave put it: "Riiiight...that's the biggest disappointment? How about cutting the shit out of your arm and injuring yourself playing a game that thousands of school children manage to play everyday withOUT ramming into parked cars?" One good thing did come out of the injury, though...

Delonte West, advice machine: Also pointed out by AK Dave. Said Wallace: "Delonte told everybody, 'When you go on this break, don't do anything that's going to stop you from coming back and being with the team. Be careful, get a couple of workouts in and just enjoy the break.' I should have taken his advice." Who would have guessed that listening to Delonte West could help anyone avoid tragedy.

Shawn Marion: Finally! Finally The Matrix is out of the shadows of guys like Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire and Dwyane Wade. And with Chris Bosh still out with a knee injury, the Craptors became Marions team...if only for a night. Well, I know what you're thinking, Shawn, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since your bitched and moaned your way out of Phoenix: Why, oh why didn't you take the blue pill? Marion scored only 10 points on 4-for-9 shooting to go with 6 rebounds, 6 assists and 2 blocked shots in a game-high 40 minutes. Not exactly the kind of superstar impact you might from a guy who whined and pouted his way into a trade last year when Steve Kerr didn't give him a max contract extension. As an aside, the Craptors shot 36 percent, scored only 76 points and lost by 17 at home to the Craboliers. And Marion didn't have much impact on Toronto's team defense, either, since the Crabs shot almost 60 percent for the game.

Here's some bonus Matrix, regarding his unhappiness in Miami (via dunkside): "The game is supposed to be exciting. I'm tired of playing that boring style in the half court, watching everybody just go up and run plays, call this play. That's boring. The fans don't enjoy it either. People like to see you get up and down, have high-scoring games and dunks and all that stuff. That's what it's about." Reminder: This is the same guy who WANTED OUT OF PHOENIX. Wow. Still, it could have been worse. The Craptors could still have...

Jermaine O'Neal: The Heat are a mere one game into the Jermaine O'Neal Era and Pat Riley is already finding out why I call him "The Drain." O'Neal scored 13 points (6-for-9), but he only grabbed a single, lonely rebound in 27 minutes. One board, Jermaine? Really?! To put that into perspective, Brian Cardinal -- yes, that Brian Cardinal -- grabbed 10 rebounds in 16 minutes as part of 49-24 Minnesota's 49-24 rebounding advantage. And then there was The Drain's in-game injury: "[O'Neal] sustained a right eye injury in the third quarter and missed 13 minutes before returning late." Yeah, it was a freak accident. But for a guy who couldn't say healthy if you locked him in a plastic bubble...not too surprising, either. Said The Drain: "I would not have scripted this for my first game. Absolutely not."

The Miami Heat: Dwyane Wade had his routinely spectacular game -- 37 points, 12 assists, 4 steals, only 1 turnover -- but the Heat lost at home to the Al Jefferson-less Timberwolves. The reasons included poor rebounding (as described above), bad defense (Minny shot almost 54 percent) and an inability to stop Sebastian Telfair, who had a career-high 30 points and 8 assists. Said Wade: "It's a terrible loss." And that's a terrible understatement.

Kevin McHale (via Sebastian Telfair), quote machine: After the game, Telfiar described McHale's pregame motivational speech: "He asked us if we were going to be pros or punks. We decided to be pros." Can you imagine McHale, who looks like an elderly Herman Munster, asking a bunch of young ball players if they want to be punks? That's comedy.

The Philadelphia 76ers: What happened to the run? What happened to the fun? The previous night's road loss to the Pacers was followed up by a double-digit home loss to the Nuggets. Philly shot only 32 percent and missed 10 free throws. And you know who hurt the Sixers the most...?

Andre Iguodala: The Sixers were recently "re-Branded" Iggy's team. Last night, fouled out after only 27 minutes during which he scored 10 points (1-for-6), matched Jermaine O'Neals rebounding effort for the Heat and committed 3 turnovers. Way to lead by example, Andre. Assuming you're leading your team to Failsville.

The Orlando Magic: You know what hurts? I'll tell you: 32-point losses in which a team shoots 37 percent while "limiting" their opponent to just under 60 percent accuracy. And the 16 missed free throws? Salt in the gooey wound. Oh, and you can squirt some lemon juice on it too, since Dwight Howard's double-double streak was stuffed and mounted. And yes, I realize I stat cursed him yesterday. My bad. But in all fairness, Stan Van Gundy sat him when the game got out of hand. He would have gotten those extra two rebounds if he'd played more than 29 minutes.

Stan Van Gundy, excuse machine: Chris Paul sliced and diced the Magic for 36 points (14-for-22), 6 rebounds, 10 assists and 3 steals. And apparently, beyond the numbers, he also caused Orlando's entire roster to forget how to play the game of basketball. Said Stan the Man: "It was one of those nights a player just obliterated us. You can complain about your defense all you want, but sometimes great players just make you look worse than you are." Sorry, Stan. Paul didn't make your team look bad. He just held up the mirror.

P.S. The Magic need Jameer Nelson back. Badly.

The Milwaukee Bucks: If you were going to guess that someone on the Bulls beat the Bucks with a season-high 31 points that included an 18-point fourth-quarter explosion, you'd probably assume it was Ben Gordon, Derrick Rose or even Luol Deng. But nope: It was Kirk Hinrich, who shot 8-for-14 from the field, 5-for-6 from downtown and 10-for-10 from the line. He also had 4 steals, two of which came on back-to-back possessions during a crucial stretch in the final period after Milwaukee had pulled to within three points. Kirk went the other way for a layup after the first steal, hit a triple after the second, and then hit a jumper the next time Chicago had the ball to put the Bulls up by 10. That was the game-breaker. So, to sum up: Milwaukee was owned by Captain Kirk Hinrich. Said Bucks coach Scott Skiles: "Kirk had a great game, obviously shooting the ball and scoring. He just took our guards and made us look pretty silly on several occasions because he was playing so hard." Substitute "silly" for "sad," and you're right on the mark, Scott.

The New Jersey Nets: They were blasted by the Mavericks and Jason Kidd (23 points, 7-for-10, 10 assists) made Mark Cuban look like a genuis...for a night. Kidd also hit five of his six three-pointers, whereas Devin Harris, Kidd's All-Star replacement in New Jersey, missed all six of his triples and shot 5-for-18 overall (and he had a game-high 4 turnovers). When you get beaten, and soundly, because of Jason Kidd's SHOOTING, well, it's time to start putting hands in people's faces. Sidenote: Vince Carter scored 15 points on 21 shots and had a plus-minus score of -19.

The Sacramento Kings: J-Kidd wasn't the only player to have a revenge game last night. Mike Bibby tormented his old team by scoring 29 points on 10-for-19 shooting and going number two in the visitors locker room without flushing the toilet. Sacto now has the NBA's worst record at 11-44. But hey, at least they have Andres Nocioni and his giant contract that runs through, what, 2017?

Kevin Martin, "I know who that guys is" machine: Regarding Bibster's performance: "Bibby was Bibby tonight." True. But who knows? Maybe tonight he'll be Juan, the naughty cabana boy...

Portland Trail Blazer fans: Get this: They booed Darius Miles last night, presumably because he cost them all that cap room by, you know, getting healthy and resuming a career that the Blazers tried to prevent him from resuming. What a bastard. Said Miles: "I got booed when I had a Portland jersey on. It's not the first time I’ve heard them."

Greg Oden: Okay. It's official. The Blazers should have taken Durant.

The Los Angeles Clippers: Okay, the Clippers are a joke. We know that. But damn: They gave up 140 points for the second night in a row to the same team, only this time it happened at home. In professional wrestling terms, that makes them a jobber. What, does Mike Dunleavy Sr. have some stake in keeping Amare Stoudemire in Phoenix? Not only did his team make Steve Kerr look like a genius for firing Terry Porter and putting Alvin Gentry in charge, they pretty much killed any possibility that the Suns will deal STAT. Amare scored 41 points on 15-for-20 shooting, and 29 of those came in the first half. The Suns shot almost 60 percent and commmited only 7 turnovers. Oh, and Goran Dragic dunked on them AGAIN (on his way to scoring 12 points on 5-for-7 shooting). Way to be a bunch of shooting props, Clippers.

Mike Dunleavy, quote machine: Thanks to Clifton for providing this one: "Camby, who had his ear drained Wednesday, is awaiting work on whether he'll get medical clearance to fly to Portland for the Sunday's game. 'We're inventing new ways to get hurt,' Dunleavy said. 'I mean, in the annals of the league, what's the percentages of one of your players flying on an airplane and his ear drum caves in? I mean, it's like, what other kind of injury can happen?'" Wow. I hope he knocked on some wood when he said that. As Clifton put it: "Ohhhhh. Stat curse, Señor Dunleavy. I'm calling it. How wacky can we go? Frostbite from a freak liquid-nitrogen accident? Critically infected papercut on the tongue from licking an envelope longways instead of up-and-down? Or will they just start listing 'apathy' as a documented reason for missing games?"

The Golden State Warriors: They led against the Lakers for most of the game, and could have won with only a few defensive stops in the final minutes. Defensive stops? The Warriors?! Bwahahahahaha! Yeah. L.A. went on a late 17-3 run that began with back-to-back threes by Trevor Ariza, who padded his stats by scoring 17 points on 7-for-12 shooting. Said Ariza: "I just hit open shots, that was it. The ball came to me, and I had nothing but time, so it was like playing in practice." That's the Warriors' D for you: It's like playing in practice.

Lacktion report: Chris came here to report lacktion and chew bubble gum. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Nuggets-Sixers: Renaldo Balkman gave Denver a 1.7 trillion payday!

Pacers-Bobcats: Juwan Howard pressed "Start" on his bawful evening with a 37-second Mario for Larry Brown.

Grizzlies-Blazers: Greg Buckner may have gone against form with three lacktion-ruining boards, but luckily Marko Jaric saved the day as a substitute lacktator, bricking twice for a suck differential of +2 in 4:04.

Hawks-Kings: The statline difference between sometimes-lacktator Acie Law and THE Mario West shows why one Hawk will be on a first-name basis for years, while the other needed a failed bet to get on the news. Law laid down a brick, but then handcuffed himself with an assist, while Mr. West once again dusted off a cartridge with his namesake stat, a 12 second Mario that somehow included a foul!

Lakers-Warriors: Don Nelson had Jermareo Davidson stomp a Goomba tonight with a single-brick 40-second Mario.

Tom Ziller, quote machine: Mr. Ziller recently had this to say about our intrepid lacktion reporter: "That Chris guy is hilarious. I didn't know we had funny people in Sacramento. Send my thumbs up."

Siohvaughn Wade: Pookie is suing his ex-wife for defamation after she claimed he cheated on her and gave her an STD. You can't make this stuff up.

Rick Adelman: Adelman got upset at Knee-Mac for not informing the team of his decision to shut down for the season and get microfracture surgery for his achy-breaky knee before he went to the media. Said Rick: "There should be a protocol, there should be a procedure where we have a chance to sit down and talk about the situation and not be announced in the press. I don't know why that happened, why he did that. Certainly, that is not the way things should be handled." True. But then, the Rockets probably should have noticed that their was something worse than "general soreness" going on with McGrady's knee for the past several months. They told him he just had to play his knee back to health. Whoops.

Stuart Scott: I got the following email from Basketbawful reader William:

This didn't happen on the court, but I think it qualifies for a "Worst of." Background, I'm a C's fan, watching the Hornets-Magic game on ESPN. At halftime Stuart Scott tosses out this gem:

"Here's another reason why Boston might need to make a trade, because last year they had the best record in the East, and it took them seven games to beat Cleveland. Right now, the Cavaliers have the best record in the East. And they are running away with the East."

Last time I checked the standings (which was after the Cav's win tonight) they looked like this: Boston 44-11, Cleveland 41-11.

I know everyone hates the Celtics, but is it really fair to just flat-out lie about the standings? Or is he just too lazy to check said standings? Being behind by three in the win column is not 'running away with the East.' And can we please drop the 'seven games' bull? Yes, the Cavs took us to a decisive seventh game. The Hawks did too. That is not an accomplishment. Getting a ring is an accomplishment.

Penn State versus Illinois: This is a real final score: Penn St. 38, Illinois 33. Dear God. And Rush the Court pointed out that: "...as ESPN’s copy editors put it, Penn St. powered past Illinois." I'm getting cold chills. Not the good kind, either. (Thanks to Dan B. for the head's up.)

Labels: Ben Wallace, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, rescinded trades, Shawn Marion, Tyson Chandler

Today's picture was provided by Shayan of Time Intact. Thanks again to everybody who sends in tips, comments, graphics, videos, etc. I'm sorry I don't get the chance to respond to everybody personally...but your contributions to the site are very much appreciated.

Home court disadvantage: Basketbawful reader Baguete made the following observation: "Last night, of 11 games, only three were won by the home team (Boston, Washington and Milwaukee) and all of them by a margin smaller than 10 points (Celts by 1, Wiz by 8 and Bucks by 4). I guess that was not one of the Fan Appreciation Nights."

Hassan Adams: He had a one trillion against the 76ers last night. Hassan has had quite the season so far. He's appeared in three games, earning a three trillion, a Mario and last night's one trillion. That makes his season average a one trillion. That's the textbook definition of FAIL. Seriously. Look it up.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain played pretty well (19 points, 11 rebounds). But I couldn't help but notice that, of the seven shots he missed, four of them were blocked. Who does he think he is? Yao Ming?

Update! Reggie Evans: Mercilessly owned. By Andrea Bargnani. I can think of few things more humiliating than being in Bargnani's poster. (Thanks to Shrugz and his friend for the link.)


The New Jersey Nets: Last night, the Pacers were without injured starters Mike Dunleavy Jr. (knee), Troy Murphy (flu-like symptoms!) and Danny Granger (quad). And they still beat the Nets in New Jersey. Sure, the Nets were without Devin Harris (sprained left ankle), but three missing starters should more than offset one missing starter, right? Unless you're New Jersey, I guess.

By the way, how 'bout T.J. Ford, huh? I've had more than a few unkind things to say about him on this site, but he's been playing his butt off for my Pacers. The dude is listed at 6'0" -- and I'd be willing to bet my collection of hand-knitted Larry Bird boxer shorts that he's at least two inches shorter than that -- and yet he's had three straight near triple-doubles: 13/9/9, 24/7/10 and last night's 18/8/9. Indiana won all three of those games, by the way. (Okay, two of those games were versus the Nets and one was against the Thunder. But still.)

I don't usually do this, but I'm officially taking back some of the things I've said about T.J. He's earned himself a temporary Basketbawful reprieve. Here's a candy bar, T.J. You...you've earned it.

Fun fact: According to the game notes, "[Vince] Carter was hit in the face by teammate [Sean] Williams in the fourth quarter while reaching for a rebound." Maybe it was an accident, maybe it wasn't. But it wouldn't be the first time a teammate has wanted to hit Vince in the face.

Atlanta versus Boston: WHAT. A. GAME. This contest was about as close as you're going to come to seeng an NBA playoff game in November. Two fired-up teams going balls out, clutch shots, a thrilling ending. There were still a few bad apples, though. Ray Allen's 1-for-9 three-point shooting show. Paul Pierce's 5 turnovers. Boston's bench "production" (13 points on 3-for-17 shooting). Eddie House's remorseless gunnery (2-for-10, including 1-for-7 in threes). Randolph Morris' 4 fouls in 4 minutes. Acie Law IV's 17-second Mario. And Mike Woodson's decision to go small in the second quarter, which wasn't lost on Basketbawful reader Garron: "Atlanta Hawks are up by 14 in the middle of the second. So what does Mike Woodson do? Go small. Very small. So what happens? Perkins, Garnett, Allen and Pierce all just toy with the inside and go on a 16-2 run to tie the game...in 4 minutes."

Quick note on our buddy Mario West. He doesn't get much PT, but he absolutely kills himself when Woodson lets him into the game. Last night, he played one minute and finished with 1 point, 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 steal. That's not a bad minute's work. It's a real bummer that a guy who tries that hard can't get off the bench.

One last thing: Marvin Williams! Dude had 14 huuuuge points and some MAN-type three-pointers (he was 4-for-4 on the night, including a go-ahead bomb with seven seconds left). He's making the people of Atlanta forget all about Josh...what was his name again?

The fans speak: Basketbawful reader Baguete wrote in with the following note on Law's Mario: "Maybe someday he'll write a book called ':17 Seconds Or Less -- My NBA Career.'" You know, I think Mario West is already writing that book...

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was his usual (and somewhat unintentionally) hilarious self in the post-game press conference. Seated next to Paul Pierce, who hit the game-winner with 0.5 seconds left, Garnett said: "The last play was drawn up: Get the ball to Pierce; get the hell out the way. Superman's in the booth. Let's go home. That was the play, and if you don’t believe that ask Doc Rivers and he'll say the same exact thing." It's worth noting that a somewhat humble-sounding Pierce claimed the play was designed for KG to drive to the hoop if the lane was open, but since it wasn't Garnett handed off to him and he took the shot.

The San Antonio Spurs: They lost to the Michael Redd-less Milwaukee Bucks and fell to 2-5...which represents their worst start since going 2-13 in 1996-97. The Bucks also lost Charlie Villanueva in the first half (left hamstring strain), and even that couldn't even things up for a Spurs team that scored 78 points and had only two players (Tim Duncan and Michael Finley) in double figures. As TD said: "The whole thing is frustrating, however you want to look at it."

Update! The Spurs' starting lineup: From Ace: "A whole Worst of the Night without a mention of the Spurs starting lineup? Duncan scored 24 points and the rest of the starters COMBINED for 14 points." Corrected.

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: "If we can hold somebody to 82 points, I'm thrilled. I'm jumping up and down." I would love to see this.

The Utah Jazz: They shot 43 percent, committed 18 turnovers, surrendered 16 offensive rebounds, scored only 87 points and gave the NBA's last winless team their first victory. Congratulations, Jazz. You have failed. Special recognition goes out to Deron Williams (3-for-7, 5 turnovers), Andrei Kirileko (1-for-7, 0-for-3 from downtown) and Paul Milsap (6 fouls, 4 turnovers).

Eddie Jordan, quote machine: "Pat Riley says there's winning and there's misery. Well, for us there's relief and there's misery. So we got relief."

Caron Butler, quote machine: Tough Juice ripped off his jersey in celebration of his team's first win of the season, and explained it thusly: "King Kong was on my back. Throw the jersey off. Sigh of relief."

MAN-type alert: Both Mintz... and AnacondaHL noted in the comments section that Dwight Howard had a MAN-type triple-double (also known as a dirty triple around these parts): 30 points, 19 rebounds and 10 blocked shots. It was such a MAN-type display that several women in his general vicinity spontaneously grew testicles. Try explaining THAT to your boyfriend/husband/life partner.

Update! Fun fact: From Basketbawful reader Marc W: "10: Number of blocks Dwight Howard had in one game last night and also the number of blocks the Knicks have on the season." Actually, I just checked basketball-reference.com, and the Knicks have 11 blocks. But that's still sad.

Stan Van Gundy, stat monger: "I wish [Howard] would have had one more rebound. It would have looked really even on the stat sheet -- 30, 20 and 10."

Dwight Howard, flasher: "I want people to see who I am and not just this mean-looking basketball player. I love fun. I'll block some shots and get some rebounds, but I'll give you a smile and whatever else you want to see." Whatever else you want to see. That's quite an offer, Dwight.

J.J. Redick: The line: Three minutes, 0-for-2, and a suck differential of +2. Which sort of explains why he's gone from sixth man to 12th man. And he's barely holding on to that spot.

Trillion alert: Basketbawful reader Caseta said: "Just heard the trillion mentioned by the commentators of the Magic @ Thunder game. In reference to a semi-pro look-alike guy on the Thunder who just scored a basket." Here's the exchange:

Commentator #1: "Nice to get your name in the scorebox."

Commentator #2: "Yeah, no trillions tonight."

This is the second confirmed mention of the trillion by NBA broadcasters this season. AWESOME.

Russell Westbrook: Happy 20th birthday, Russell! You led the Thunder in field goal attempts (19)! Sadly, you hit only 3 of them. Oh, and you were 0-for-11 in the first half. [Insert saaaaaad saxophone music here.]

P.J. Carlesimo, Coaching Inspiration 101: "It's not fair...if I talk about some guys like they did something good. That implies I'm throwing the other guys under the bus. We're all under the bus tonight."

Dwyane Wade, the good and the bad: Dwyane Wade has been awesome in his first eight games. He's second in the NBA in scoring (28.3 PPG), tied for fourth in assists (7.6 APG), and he leads the league in PER (34.02). For reference, Michael Jordan's career PER was 27.91. Here's the "yeah, but...": He's also leading the league in turnovers at 4.3 per game. And as I recently mentioned in the comments section, this isn't a new thing for Wade; he also led the league last season (4.4) and the season before (4.2). And the season before that, he was second (with 3.6 TOs per) only to Gilbert Arenas (who turned it over 3.7 times a game). So Wade giveth, and Wade taketh away. I'm not trying to understate his overall greatness -- he's playing as well or better than anybody in the league -- but I sure wish he'd be a little more careful with the ball.

Shawn Marion and the mystery groin: He missed last night's game due to a right groin strain. Or, wait, was it a left groin strain? Is it that hard to keep track of which groin Shawn hurt? (Tipped off by the Belgium Dan Marino.)

Greg Oden: Let me just say that I was thrilled to see Oden on the court last night. And he had a couple spiffy moments, like a nice block on Chris Quinn which he followed up with an offensive rebound/slam dunk less than a minute later. But his overall performance was shaky. He played 16 minutes and finished with 3 points (1-for-3), 2 rebounds, 2 blocked shots and 2 turnovers. Moreover, he looked very awkward and out of synch. His footwork was terrible and he seemed to be having a lot of trouble holding onto the ball. He also looked nervous. Maybe he was just overly juiced up; you could tell he wanted very badly to come in and have a big impact. It was only one game, so I'm not going to make any grand pronouncements. But damn...he looked positively Ostertag-like.

Update! Raef LaFrentz: From Rainbow Brite: "No mention of Raef LaFrentz? He's like the white, European version of Starbury. It costs The Blazers nearly $13 million for him to hand out cups of Gatorade. That has to be the cushiest job ever, aside from AJ Daulerio's gig at Deadspin." Yeah...I haven't gotten around to bringing Raef up this year. Corrected. (But in all fairness, Raef is earning only $12,722,000. So we should also point out that Portland is paying Steve Francis $17,180,000 this season. Oh, and Darius Miles is getting $9 million. That's almost $40 million for two non-players and one cheerleader. Wow. Why am I not on the Blazers' payroll?!)

The Memphis Grizzlies' defense: They let the Knicks shoot almost 60 percent from the field (52-for-88) and 56 percent from downtown (19-for-34). And those 19 threes represent a Knicks franchise record. Good God, people. Have you even tried putting a hand in somebody's face? I guess not: The Griz have given up 100+ points in last five games. Glad to see coach Iavaroni imported the defensive strategies he used in Phoenix. Speaking of Mark...

Marc Iavaroni, Captain Obvious: "We did not guard the ball well." Noooooo...really?! In other news, water will make you wet and hunger can be cured by eating food.

The New Orleans Hornets: Spotting the Lakers that 23-point lead was awfully nice of them, but it's not exactly a game-winning strategy. Now, Basketbawful reader Trottsta said: "In your Worst of the Night post, make sure you put 'the Hornets not named Chris Paul.' CP3 had 13 FG and 13 assists...out of 34 FGs for the Hornets. So the rest of the team only made 8 FG without him having a direct hand in it. Oh and David West, thanks for spoiling CP3's comeback in the 4th by turning it over 2-3 times in the last two minutes with the Hornets within 4. Appreciate it." Yeah. West finished with 6 turnovers. Mo Pete went 0-for-5 from the field. Peja was 3-for-13. The bench (outside of James Posey) was helpless. As defeats go, this one was pretty disheartening. Yeah, you could point to the comeback, but as Kevin McHale once said after an unsuccessful Celtics rally: "Yeah. And the patient almost lived."

Kobe Bryant, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "I just wanted to shoot it in his face."

NBA highlight announcers: From Basketbawful reader Chad M: "At 1:35 of this NBA.com highlights package the announcer calls Pau Gasol 'Peja.'" Well, Chad, you know, all those soft Euro players look alike. How do you tell one bearded marshmallow from the other?

The Phoenix Suns: Steve Kerr and Terry Porter are trying to remake the Suns in the Spurs' image. And, uh, it hasn't been working that well the last few games. Last night, the new slow-it-down Suns scored 82 points on 37 percent shooting and had more turnovers (13) than assists (11). Look, I'm all for the Suns playing a little more defense, but stalling the offense is like owning a Mustang and never driving it faster than 35 MPH. What's the point?

Raja Bell: From Basketbawful reader Clifton: "After starting 6-2, Raja Bell has not stopped whining about his perceived lack of offensive chances. In the East Valley Tribune: 'Honestly, we are a running team. That's what we're built to do. You can see we are confused about what we're doing offensively, whether we want to run it or try to slow it down. And when there is uncertainty, there are turnovers.' He followed up those comments with the following performance tonight vs. Houston: 23 min, 0-6 FG (including 0-2 from three), no FT attempts, 3 rebounds, 0-for-everything else. Let me clear up that 'confusion' for you: That ball you're holding? It goes THROUGH the hoop."

Fashion faux pas: From Basketbawful reader Dave F: "Weird preview shots of Nash and Shaq arriving for their late game with Rockets last night. Weird because they were both wearing vests with jeans. Is that the new look?" I saw the same thing. And laughed. And vowed to bring it up in WotN. Done.

The Suns-Rockets Brawl: It was a catfight in Houston. And here's Slasher 14 with the call: "T-Mac set a screen on Nash where Nash appeared to hurt his shoulder. Next time down the floor Rafer Alston went to set a screen on Matt Barnes, who just pushed him out of the way. Alston ran over after Barnes and a scuffle broke out. When it looked like everything had been cleared up, Nash, who was running over to try and break the fight up, appeared to slip and fell into Alston. McGrady saw this and probably thought he was after Alston, so McGrady pushes an off-balance Nash to the floor. Then Shaq comes in and clears T-Mac out of the way and then gives Yao a push for good measure. It's kind of funny watching Yao fall over: He falls at about half the speed of a normal sized person. Maybe the laws of gravity have a different affect on Yao, which is why he is having trouble dunking this year?" Here's the video. And Slasher's right about Yao. Watch and laugh at his slow-motion fall. It kind of reminds me of Bela Lugosi's slow, stumbling Frankenstein monster in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man.


Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Basketbawful reader Stephanie G: "During the Houston-Phoenix mini-brawl Hubie Brown said, paraphrasing: 'Alston gets it in two places, by Barnes and then from the rear by Nash, so naturally he's hot.' Mmm, I bet."

Yao Ming: On the subject of the Great Wall, our Yao Watch continues, courtesy of Chuck DeBruce: "Ming had 3 shots blocked last night -- on 14 FGA (all blocks by Shaq, by the way, none by the rim) -- including two 11-footers and a layup. On the bright side, he was able to dunk twice and retributed with two blocks on Amare Stoudemire. Then again, he's still moving like wearing concrete shoes. Is Yao really eight years younger and 15 pounds lighter then Shaq? They looked the same even in the box score."

Here's some more Yao fun, courtesy of Kazam92. Watch Yao get posterized and then push a guy down in frustration. Apparently he's not all Zen and peacefulness.


Ron Artest: That 1-for-12 shooting...wasn't good. Did somebody put snake eggs in his locker or something?

The Los Angeles Clippers: The Clips lost at home to a Kevin Martin-less Kings team...mostly because they let Beno Udrih go off for 30. And Ricky Davis was their 'top performer.' Yep. They are who we thought they were.

The Chicago Sun-Times: This is a day delayed, but too funny not to mention. In the recap from the Hawks-Bulls game, the Times managed to misspell not one but two player names in back-to-back paragraphs. Torus Thomas? Lull Dens?! Way to copy check, guys. (In response, I ran spell checker on this post and discovered that I had spelled "Sean" as "Seab"...so I guess we all make mistakes. But some of us correct them.) Update! I missed yet another name gaffe in the clip shown below...but Fifthrune didn't: "In that last post about the misspelled names: Who the hell is Mike Bobby for the Hawks? Cuz I'd rather take him than Mike Bibby if he keeps shooting that well. Seriously who wrote that article, Borat?"


Kobe Bryant: He drinks straight out of the milk carton. And he puts it back in the fridge even when it's empty.

Labels: cat fights, home court disadvantage, Jermaine O'Neal, one trillion, Yao Watch

Dwight Howard: He had a man-sized game (29 points, 8-for-11 from the field, 19 rebounds, 8 offensive boards). But -- and you knew there was a "but" coming -- he missed seven free throws and went 2-for-6 in the fourth quarter. This gets mentioned a lot here and elsewhere, but Dwight's shoddy stroke from the line kills the Magic in comeback and end-of-game situations. Anyway, he also committed a game-high 4 turnovers (tying Jameer Nelson) while dishing no assists. Speaking of which...

Fun fact: Through the Magic's first seven games, Howard has 20 turnovers and only 9 assists. Huh. I thought Superman was supposed to help people.

Rashard Lewis: The $100 Million Dollar Man scored a measly 6 points on 3-for-11 shooting. He also missed all five of his three-point attempts. Over the last two games, Rashard mustered 11 points on 5-for-22 shooting (including 0-for-10 from distance). On the season, he's shooting 38 percent from the field and 26 from downtown. This is particularly damning since his primary -- and some would say his only -- duty is to shoot and score. If he's not doing that, he might as well be serving Gatorade on the bench. On the subject of benches...

The Orlando bench: They contributed only 12 points to their team's cause (as compared to 40 from the Portland bench). And when I say "they," I actually mean Keith Boogers Bogans. Nobody else from the Pine Club could offer up a single point. Which brings us to...

Anthony Johnson: Our buddy Ben Q. Rock from the Third Quarter Collapse sent us a Lack-tion Alert on Mr. Johnson: 17 minutes, 1 assist, 2 fouls, 0-for-everything-else. The Magic might as well have subbed in a banana peel for those 17 minutes. At least it might have caused somebody to slip or something.

Update! Keith Bogans, basketball guru: Basketbawful reader Anfernee sent in the following wise words from Mr. Bogans: "With a victory tonight against Portland, the Orlando Magic can rebound from their shocking 0-2 start to the season in a historical way. Having already toppled Sacramento, Chicago, Philadelphia and Washington during the past eight nights at Amway Arena, the Magic can close out the first 5-0 homestand in the 20-year history of the franchise by beating the Blazers. ... 'Winning all five at home would be really big for us,' said Keith Bogans, Orlando's top reserve all season. 'We lost that first one at home, but since then we've realized how important that it is to win at home. I always think that you should win them all at home and get as many as you can on the road.'" In other news, since drinking an entire bottle of Mr. Bubble brand bubble bath, I realize that drinking bubble bath probably isn't a good idea. Nor is sticking this fork into that electrical outle...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!!

Schedule makers: The Portland Trail Blazers may be "only" 4-3, but they've played six of their first seven games against teams that had won at least 52 games last season (Lakers, Spurs, Suns, Jazz, Rockets and Magic). That would be a rough start for anybody. Kudos to them for hanging tough in the face of being Odenless yet again.

The Thunder's shooting: The Oklahoma City kiddies shot 38 percent as a team, led by Earl Watson (2-for-11), Russell Westbrook (1-for-10) and Desmond Mason (0-for-5). A lot of the damage took place during the second quarter, when the Thunder shot 25 percent. In fact, during one particularly brutal five-minute stretch, they missed 10 consecutive shots.

The Pacers' rebounding: From the AP game recap: "[T.J. Ford's] teammates are having fun with the fact that the shortest player on the team has somehow been among its top rebounders the past two games. 'That’s pretty good for a 5-7 guy,' forward Danny Granger joked." It's all fun and games until rebounding costs your team a victory. And make no mistake, that's almost what happened to Indiana last night. The Thunder nearly overcame their shooting woes by grabbing 19 offensive rebounds.

Troy Murphy: He left the game during the second quarter with flu-like symptoms.

Jermaine O'Neal: The Drain had his best game of the season -- 23 points, 11 rebounds, 5 assists -- but he made two critical mistakes in the last two minutes. First, with the game knotted at 84-all, he got his patented turnaround jumper stuffed by Kendrick Perkins. Paul Pierce then hit a shot on the other end to give the Celtics a two-point lead. On the following possession, O'Neal bumbled the ball our of bounds, which led to another jumper from Pierce to pretty much seal the deal. So, you know, Jermaine giveth and Jermaine taketh away.

Update! Jermaine O'Neil's disappearing act: From Alex Athans: "19 points in the first half, 4 in the second...and only 2 of those were from a field goal. I pronounce him David Copperfield, except instead of making the Statue of Liberty vanish, he whisks himself away."

Chris Bosh: The line: 9 points, 3-for-8, 7 rebounds, 1 assist, 2 turnovers, zero blocks and 4 fouls. Has anybody noticed that he and O'Neal can't seem to both have a good game at the same time?

Update! Sam Mitchell: Lord Kerrance pointed out that Bosh had zero shot attempts in the fourth quarter, and then Czernobog stepped up with the following information: "How about subbing Sam Mitchell for Chris Bosh? Apparently Bosh's disappearance was premeditated, the plan was to use him as a 'decoy' in his own words. Brilliant game-plan, Sam. Going away from your best player on what has been his best season so far." Yeah. And not too many great players want to be used as decoys and then watch their team lose because of it (or give up 16-point leads on the road, as the Raptors did last night.)

Update! Kevin Garnett: I pronounce you guilty...of superdickery. Seriously, KG, is it really necessary to pick on Jose Calderon? Seriously? (Dunpizzle on the head's up.)


Scintillating copy: From the AP game recap: "Dwyane Wade was mildly surprised midway through the final quarter to see the Miami Heat trailed by only 10." In other news, I was mildly surprised to find a small wad of lint in my belly button.

More scintillating copy: From the same game recap: "Where there's a Wade, there's a way." Please. Stop this man before he writes again.

Meaningless stats: From the same recap: "[The Heat] improved to 3-0 at home for the first time since the 1999-2000 season." Don't you feel enriched? Personally, I will never forget the Heat's 3-0 home start of '08.

Lame justifications: Dwyane Wade was 0-for-9 on threes before going 4-for-7 last night. And this was Pookie's explanation of his previously frigid shooting: "I didn't need to use them yet. But tonight, I brought them out." Sure. And I have bionic arms that can crush cars and dispense beer. I just haven't needed to use them yet. See what I mean? Both statements are impossible.

Dwyane Wade: He led the Heat to a comeback win by scoring 19 of his 33 points in the fourth quarter...but it's still worth noting that he had more turnovers (6) than assists (5). Oh, and that was a game-high in TOs.

Shawn Marion: He missed last night's game. Groin strain. [Insert joke here] Actually, this news report says he has a strained RIGHT groin. A single groin is, apparently, for mortal men. Marion has both a right and a left groin. Bow before his groinal awesomeness. (Note: The previous statements were made for the comic purposes only. I do not need an anatomy lesson. And besides, sharing your knowledge of the groin will only make people look at you funny.)

Eduardo Najera: Slow Eddy contributed more fouls (2) than rebounds (1) in his nine minutes of near nothingness. Also, his face looks like it was molded out of day-old nacho cheese. That is all.

Hack-a-Boone: The Heat intentionally fouled Josh Boone -- a career 47 percent foul shooter -- with just over three minutes remaining. He probably could have avoided that treatment if he hadn't airballed earlier in the game.

Vince Carter: Vinsanity cost his team a chance to tie the game when he got tooted for traveling with 6.7 seconds left. It was Carter's fourth turnover of the game and his team's 19th. Wah-waaaaaaaah.

The Phoenix Suns: They almost got gunned down by rookie O.J. Mayo (19 of his game-high 33 points in the fourth quarter) last night. In Phoenix. And it took a scoring explosion from Leandro Barbosa to do it. Not a good sign.

Steve Nash: In case nobody noticed, Captain Canada has transformed into the 2003-04 Dallas Mavericks version of himself. He's averaging 13.8 points and 8.0 assists and shooting only 46 percent from the field, which would be a career-high for Allen Iverson but is quite a dip from the 51 percent shooting he's averaged since arriving in Phoenix. In fact, Steve's in a bit of a slump. Here are the numbers from his last four games: 3-for-11, 3-for-9, 2-for-7, and 2-for-5. Age: It catches up. Speaking of which...

Shaq: He shot 3-for-8 from the field and finished with more fouls (6) than rebounds (5). I think it might be time for Shaq to start hitting the All Sport.


Update! Kobe Bryant: He didn't put the cap back on the tube of toothpaste.

Labels: bench play, Dwight Howard, Jermaine O'Neal, Orlando Magic, Portland Trail Blazers, Rashard Lewis, Steve Nash