Hopeless scrub...or helpless victim?
Basketbawful reader Steve recently directed me to a Web site called Caste Football. According to CF's About Us page: "Caste Football's goal is to see that white athletes are respected for their abilities, and that they receive the same opportunities to succeed as non-white athletes." That's a righteously sweet goal, because I've often felt that racist media propaganda -- such as the spurious notion that professional sports require remarkable speed, incredible strength, striking natural ability and a multitude of finely-honed skills -- has unfairly prevented me from winning several Olympic gold medals, achieving All-Star status in the NBA and beating Sonya Thomas in an internationally-recognized chicken wing eating contest.

But make no mistake: I'm not the only victim here. Many current NBA players -- all so white they're nearly translucent -- are being treated unfairly because they suffer from the incurable color of their skin. Some examples (mind you, this article is dated):

Regarding the Atlanta Hawks: "One of the worst teams in the traditionally worst division in the NBA, Atlanta's roster is comprised almost wholly of 'superior' athletes. How is this possible? ZaZa Pachulia is the lone team representative for white folks, and like most white basketball players the Georgian center is a good shooter, rebounder, and passer. So how come he doesn't get more minutes for a team in such dire need?"

About the Chicago Bulls: "They benched their best point guard for a wildly out of control rookie who can't shoot but can jump really high. Of course, that's S.O.P. for the NBA. Kirk Hinrich is arguably the best point guard in the conference, however he was demoted. Then he got injured and is out for the foreseeable future. Argentine small forward Andres Nocioni is incredibly athletic, tough, and skilled. But he's white, so he comes off the bench behind guys he routinely out-plays. 7-foot center Aaron Gray is in his second year with the Bulls, but despite being their best big man has never been truly incorporated into the team's plans. I'm not sure why they even keep the talented rebounder with a soft touch around."

Then there's the black evil in Cleveland: "Aleksander Pavlovic might be the best athlete on the team, but it's blasphemy to say that since 'King' LeBron James is on the roster. Despite being an incredible offensive talent, Pavlovic can't get on the floor. Anderson Varejao looks like Sideshow Bob off the Simpsons cartoon, but the rebounding machine must not be a white man, because he actually gets to play."

Reading CF's NBA analysis was nothing short of stunning, kind of like waking up from a dream in which I'm not awesome, or being magically transported into an alternate reality where the Nazis defeated George Washington in the Korean War of 1812. I mean, who knew that the only thing standing between the Hawks and true greatness was more minutes for Zaza Pachulia? Or that Sasha Pavlovic could beat LeBron James in a jumping contest. My eyes have been opened, and I can't wait to learn more secret truths that govern this strange new world, like that up is really down, C-A-T actually spells dog and eating this delicious, gravy-soaked stick of butter won't cause my heart to explode. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to declare my eligibility for the NBA draft...

Labels: are these guys for real, Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Kirk Hinrich, Lebron James, Sasha Pavlovic, White Men, Zaza Pachulia

Catch-and-Shoot-22 (kach'-and-shoot'-twen'-te-too') noun. The impossible situation in which a basketball player -- usually a reserve who sees limited action -- requires a certain number of scoring opportunities to establish an offensive rhythm but rarely (if ever) receives them. It's a classic dilemma that can be best described by the following statement: "Player X can't score unless he gets enough shot attempts, but he won't get enough shot attempts if he can't score."

Usage example: Sasha Pavlovic still isn't getting much time off the Cleveland bench, probably because he's stuck in a Catch-and-Shoot-22.

Word history: The term was coined by Phoenix Suns assistant coach Phil Weber, as noted in Jack McCallum's book :07 Seconds or Less: "Further, as with all shooters, [Eddie] House is in a Catch-22. (Or, as Weber observes, it is a Catch-and-Shoot-22 with House.) [House] needs shots to get going, but, if he can't get it going, it's difficult for D'Antoni to leave him in."

Of course, this is a play on the term Catch-22, which was created by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22 and describes a false dilemma for which no real choice exists. According to Wikipedia: "The prototypical Catch-22, as formulated by Heller, involves the case of a U.S. Army Air Forces bombardier Yossarian who wishes to be excused from combat flight duty. In order to be excused, he must submit an official medical diagnosis from his squadron's flight surgeon, demonstrating that he is unfit to fly because he is insane. In fact, according to regulations, any sane person would naturally not want to fly combat missions because they are so dangerous. However, by requesting to have one's sanity evaluated, the airman demonstrates that he is in fact sane and therefore is fit to fly because one has to be sane to recognize one's own insanity."

Players like Pavlovic and House get stuck in Catch-and-Shoot-22s all the time. The same thing happened to former journeyman Jim Jackson. Jimmy proved he could score 20 points on any given night. However, although a lot of teams liked his "instant offense" -- 12 teams in total, to be exact -- his employers became increasingly reluctant to give him the shots necessary for that to happen. And eventually, Jackson was Catch-and-Shoot-22'ed out of the league.

Labels: Eddie House, Jim Jackson, Phoenix Suns, Sasha Pavlovic, Word of the Day

Ernie Johnson: Andre Iguodala was a guest analyst on the NBA on TNT last night, and Ernie referred to him as the "44-year-old" Andre Iguodala. Which wouldn't have been that silly of a mistake if Iggy didn't have the kind of babyface that makes you wonder whether he still gets his lunch money stolen by the big kids. The only theory I have to explain Ernie's gaffe is that he was thinking about Dikembe Mutumbo, who's been 44 for, what, the last three seasons? Now we finally have an answer to the age-old question: "Who wants to sex Mutumbo?" Ernie does.

LeBron James' fourth quarter: King James has apparently been crippled by the extreme physical burden of carrying Mike Brown's one-play* offense all season. LeBron was suffering from "unrelenting" back spasms last night that made him "unable to cut, jump and move as usual." The result? A peasant-like fourth quarter stat line (one-point, 0-for-5 shooting) and a 101-98 setback to the "nothing to play for" Chicago Bulls. And that loss, combined with the previous night's foul out, might have been the final death blow for the King's MVP bid.

LeBron actually had a chance to tie the game in the closing seconds, but he was turned back by rookie hair god Joakim Noah. Of course, The Chosen one thought there was some contact. "I went up and got hit on the arm. But that’s not why we lost the game." Superstar-to-English translation: "That's totally why we lost the game."

*That one play is "Watch LeBron. He's so shiny." Rumor has it that Brown and his assistants have been devising a second play, wherein LeBron's teammates pass the ball around like a hot potato before shuffling it to LeBron with three seconds left on the shot clock.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched! Again! That'll teach him to hold out before the season, get injured, and then suck.

Quicken Loans Arena sound-effect technicians: With a little less than two minutes left in the game, Ben Wallace blew an uncontested dunk. As the ball clanged off the rim and sailed harmlessly away from the basket, "a loud gong inadvertently sounded in the arena, usually a sound effect reserved for one of Big Ben's blocks." Oops.

Larry Hughes, fulfilling expectations one trade too late: He sure had a game against the Cavs, didn't he? The line: 25 points (11-for-17), 8 rebounds, 9 assists, and 2 steals in 45 minutes. Oh, and he scored 19 of those points in the second half to help the Bulls overcome a 17-point deficit and end their six-game road losing streak. The Cleveland fans must have been pissed. (The title of this one was updated on the suggestion of that great challenger of the unknown, Wild Yams.)

Chris Duhon: He was about five seconds shy of a two trillion. But you know what? We're gonna bend our rules and give it to him anyway, in honor of the season he's having.

Update! Benny the Bull: Remember that whole "Benny sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon" thing? Well, the Bulls finally got around to explaining what really happened: "The Bulls apologized to the Celtics and explained that one of the members of the IncrediBulls -- a group that entertains during timeouts -- had tripped and his gun shot the shirts into the floor from where they bounced into the Celtics."

Nice story. A big load of, well, bullpoopy, but a good story. And KG, or one, isn't stepping in it. "Wow. That's a story. I just turned around and dude [Benny] had the smoking gun in his hands. I didn't see no lady. I didn't see nobody trip over a gun. You know what I'm saying?"

Chicago coach Jim Boylan gave his own humorous take on the incident: "It was against Posey so, it’s open season against him whenever he steps on the court in Chicago. I was proud of Benny, glad he took matters into his own hands. He orchestrated it behind the scenes." Ha, hah! Good one, coach. Of course, you know what they say. Many a truth is said in jest.

Los Angeles Clippers: They tanked Elton Brand's anti-tanking comeback by holding Chris Kaman, Cuttino Mobley, and Tim Thomas out of the game. And hey, fewer players means more opportunities for Brand which means Elton has more sign-and-trade value over the summer. It's a win-win for everybody involved.

Sacramento King announcers: One of them started to call Francisco Garcia "Spencer" in a post-game interview last night. Speaking of which...

Francisco Garcia: From Odenized. 'Cisco announced he's going to try to dunk on Kobe this Sunday. Oh, man. He should know better than that. Although, in all fairness, the announcers kind of goaded "Spencer" into it.


Reggie Theus, quote machine: Regarding Kevin Martin's growth as a player, Theus said, "He’s starting to adapt to the game now. I'm seeing things from him that I didn't see before. He's scoring easier in our offense now." He wasn't adapting to the game before? Then why did you guys decide to build your franchise around him?

Joel Przybilla's future: Joel's been playing great all season, but especially in the last month or so. But I have a bad feeling that when Greg Oden is ready to play next season, Joel will go from being "Vanilla Godzilla, the fire-breathing rebound monster" to "Ghostface Przybilla, the invisible bench holder-downer."

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: He's so happy these days. After leading the Rockets to a 95-88 win over the Trail Blazers -- he scored 26 of his game-high 35 points in the second half -- T-Mac described the excitement stirred within his heart by this season's Western Conference playoff race. "There's going to be a team that wins 50 games and doesn't make the playoffs. So it's a battle out there. I love it." I can't help but wonder how much love's going to be left after Houston's first-round playoff series, probably against either the Hornets, Lakers, or Spurs.

Mike Harris and Steve Novak: They each played 14 seconds and had a stat line that looked like a string of Cheerios. I'd totally feel sorry for them if I had a sense of compassion.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Duhon, Ernie Johnson, Kevin Garnett, Larry Hughes, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, NBA mascots, one trillion, Sasha Pavlovic, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

Phillips Arena timekeepers NBA official Eric Lewis: This is a situation that would make Vince McMahon proud. T.J. Ford seemingly hit a game-winning layup at the buzzer -- off an amazing halfcourt lob pass from Carlos Delfino, by the way -- but after a lengthy video review, the officials determined that Ford released the shot after the clock had expired. It was on to overtime, where the Hawks prevailed over the Raptors 127-120.

Just one problem. The arena's timekeepers Referee Eric Lewis shaved 0.1 off the clock, which deprived Ford of the split second he needed -- and deserved -- to complete the play. And here's the video evidence to prove that the ball hadn't even touched T.J.'s hands with 0.4 left on teh clock, anyway. (Evidence the officials also had access to, by the way.)


Toronto fans are pissed, and they have every right to be. Here's one angry e-mail I received from Basketbawful reader Raps Gurl, which pretty much sums up how they feel about this game in the frozen north: "I am FURIOUS over the blatant cheating that went on in the Raptors loss* to the Hawks this evening. Replays CLEARLY SHOW THAT THE CLOCK WAS STARTED EARLY ON THE LAST INBOUNDS PLAY! That extra 0.1 seconds lost would have made his basket count and the Raptors would have won the game. Instead, the biased scorekeepers once again reigned and like last year the game was unfairly decided. I hope game tape is sent in by the Raptors organization and this despicable cheating in an already tarnished league is dealt with. And no, this isn't just another Raptors fan crying foul, we legitimately got ROBBED."

*If it can be called that.

On the bright side, Rasho Nesterovic hit his first ever career three-pointer last night. (By the way, thanks to Basketbawful reader Michael for alerting me to the real culprit behind this mess.)

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they got totally hosed by the time-shaving thing. However...the dinos were leading by 17 points in the third quarter before totally collapsing in the fourth, during which they hit only one shot in their last nine possessions. (Although technically they hit two shots in those nine possessions, since Ford's last-second basket should have counted. But I digress.) You've gotta close bad teams out, guys. You've gotta close out.

LeBron James, quote machine: You might want to sit down for this one. Okay. Ready? King James fouled out of a game. Yeah, I know! I guess the NBA has a secret rule that allows the refs to call fouls on him during one game every season, and last night was that game. Of course, The Chosen One was a little cranky afterwards (despite the fact that his teammates pulled out the win without him): "There were a few questionable [calls]. I know how to keep myself out of foul trouble for the most part. In my career I’ve done a great job of that." You know what his "stay out of foul trouble" secret is? Here's a hint: Being LeBron freaking James.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched!

Daniel Gibson: Memo to Booby: Your role on this team? Shooter. And 1-for-7 (0-for-4 from beyond the arc) ain't gonna get it done. By the way, welcome back.

James Posey: He flushed in a lame "cotton candy" dunk during the first quarter that had his teammates booing him from the sideline. Weak. Hey James, I've got Bill Walton on the phone, and he wants me to tell you to THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN!

Doc Rivers, time manager: Ray Allen is probably the most fragile of Boston's Big Three, Doc played him the most minutes by far (37). When asked why he wasn't playing Sam Cassell (who ended up with a DNP-CD), Rivers said, "I played him all night last night." Huh. I guess in Doc's world, "all night" means 14 minutes and 16 seconds out of a possible 48. Math: It makes my brain hurt.

(By the way, the bigger problem, and the reason Ray-Ray put in so many minutes, is that the Celtics kept letting the Pacers back into the game.)

The Pacers shooting: As the game dragged on, Hubie Brown kept commenting that the Pacers are one of the best three-point shooting teams in the league. But based on the way the game went -- Indiana shot 35 percent from the field and 6-for-29 from three-point range -- that's like trying to explain to your friends that you don't usually pass out and make a mess in your pants after a night of drinking. Good to know, but also kind of meaningless.

Washington Wizards: Not only did they choke up a nine-point lead in the closing minutes -- despite Agent Zero's emotional return -- they couldn't make a defensive stop with 1.1 seconds left on the clock. Oh, and the game-winner got knocked in by rookie and D-League escapee Ramon Sessions. Nobody should ever lose to a man named "Ramon" unless his first name is "Razor." And here's some extra bad news: DeShawn Stevenson rolled his ankle and Antawn Jamison hurt his shoulder diving into the crowd after a loose ball. I guess Washington signed some kind of agreement that at least two of their starting five will be out with injuries at all times.

Miami Heat Washington Generals: Good Lord, make their season stop already! (Thanks for the reminder, Carlo.)

New York Knicks: Well, now that Donnie Walsh is on board and Isiah is likely on his way out, the future is a little brighter in New York. But the present is as ugly as ever. The Knicks gave up 130 points on 60 percent shooting to...the Memphis Grizzlies. Eight [!!] Grizzlies scored in double figures, INCLUDING KWAME BROWN. I feel very unclean right now.

Golden State Warriors: Sure, they got blindsided by Dirk's unexpected return, but when you control your own postseason destiny and lose by 25 points to one of your primary competitors for one of the final two playoff spots, well, you have a pretty bleak destiny. (Did I just hear Don Nelson say "Beer me!"?)

Elton Brand: Welcome back, big guy. You were gone 74 games and yet didn't miss a beat. But...why'd you have to go and ruin your team's tanking plans? There's a lottery pick at stake, man! You're...you're not planning to opt out of your contract this summer, are you? Are you?!

Seattle To Be Named Laters: Let's see, after that 18-point home loss to the Clippers, Seattle has lost 19 of their last 21 games and would have to win their last seven -- against Houston (twice), Denver, Dallas (twice), San Antonio and Golden State -- to avoid the worst season in franchise history. So go grab a double-frapacheeny whatever the hell and some scones...it's going to be a painful last seven games.

Raef LaFrentz: Five seconds, one foul.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Doc Rivers, Elton Brand, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Sasha Pavlovic, Seattle Supersonics, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards

[Hat tip to m. Alana of Billie Basquetbaäl. She also provided Sasha's word ballon.]

Labels: Anderson Varejao, Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James, man love, Sasha Pavlovic

"Quit yer damn blubbering, Frenchy."

JamesOn Curry: The Bulls rookie, best known for a gratuitous capital O in his first name, added a big P to his arsenal of extraneous letters last night. Curry, who's currently serving a stint with the Iowa Energy of the NBA Developmental League, was urinating in an alley near the Hampton Inn in Boise, Iowa, when he was spotted by a police officer. As the officer approached in his patrol car, Curry saw him and started to walk away (only after holstering his boomstick, one hopes). The officer turned his emergency lights on and Curry bolted. He went into the Hampton Inn and was stopped by a locked door (d'oh!). Curry was then taken into custody and charged with misdemeanor counts of urinating in public, resisting arrest, and being a damned fool. The biggest tragedy to come out of this is that Curry will most likely miss the Zooperstars performance during halftime of the Energy's game against the Austin Toros on Sunday.

Bruce Bowen: He scored 2 points on 1-for-4 shooting last night. That makes Bowen 5-for-31 (16 percent) over his last six games. His best performance during that stretch was a 6-point, 2-for-8 performance against the Warriors. As I've said before, I know the Spurs don't keep him around for his offense or his good looks, but the dude's shooting the ball like somebody replaced his hands with oozing squid tentacles.

Francisco Elson: He was only 0-for-2 in limited action, which doesn't sound that bad, but trust me, it was. First of all, Elson's two shots were a 15-footer from the left wing and a 17-footer from the right wing. According to most NBA scouts, those shots were about 14 and 16 feet outside his range, repectively. Second, I have rarely seen a jumpshot so awkward and ugly. It would make a blind goat weep. I swear, the way his limbs splay out and freeze during his jumper, it's like he's getting electrocuted mid-shot. Francisco, if you're wondering why Gregg Popovich yanked you after only three minutes, go back and watch film of those shots.

Sasha Pavlovic: Cleveland's shooting ace went 1-for-4 last night, including 0-for-2 from three-point range.

Damon Jones: How about Damon's new hairstyle? The sides are mostly shaved but he still has the hair on top. What do you call that, exactly? A fohawk? Whatever it is, it looks ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as Brad Miller's cornrows or Scot Pollards, well, anything. But still.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Speaking of hair, Ilgauskas was sporting the freshly-shaved head look last night. You know, minus the somewhat manly noggin-stubble, the Z-Man's shorn scalp makes him look kind of like the Metaluna mutant, or maybe Sloth from The Goonies.

Tony Parker: TP missed two ginormous freethrows with 29.4 seconds to play...freethrows that would have tied the game at 90. Instead of tying it up, the Spurs lost 90-88. At home. Said Parker: "They both felt good. They just didn't go in," Parker said. "I shoot 200 free throws every day. It was a good chance to show my improvement. They just didn't go in." Actually, Parker is shooting only 73 percent from the line this season after hitting a career-high 78 percent last year. You know, just FYI.

Utah Jazz: Hmm. Do you think defense is a problem for the Jazz? They gave up 120 points, 16 offensive rebounds, and a career-high 41 points to...Linas Kleiza?! How has Jerry Sloan not gone freako apeshit yet? I'm telling you, if he doesn't get berzerky soon, somebody needs to check his basement for body snatcher pods.

Paul Millsap: For the most part, I'd say Millsap has exceeded expectations for a guy who was picked 17th in the second round of the NBA draft. But 1-for-8 shooting wouldn't exceed anybody's expectations, unless maybe Millsap was actually a labradoodle.

[Update] Marcus Camby's shooting: The people -- or at least a reader named Five Pound Bag -- have spoken: "You could have added 'Marcus Camby's shooting,' as he missed on the rare dirty triple by two points on account of going 4-13 from the floor. His 11 (!) blocks and 24 (!!) boards will just have to be a dirty double." Five Pound Bag, you are absolutely right. Thank you for correcting my shortsightedness.

Brian Skinner: I don't know what to make of Skinner's performance last night. On the one hand, he grabbed 9 rebounds and blocked 4 shots. On ther other, he was the only Suns player to go scoreless (0-for-3) and he committed 4 turnovers. I mean, how do you play 22 minutes in the Phoenix run-and-gun offense and not score a point? That said, I really, really hope that coach D'Antoni keeps playing this guy. Phoenix desperately needs gritty roleplayers who are willing to sacrifice their own offense, bang people around, and get their hands dirty. And Skinner's the only guy on their 12-man roster who fits that bill. But my guess is that once Grant Hill gets back, Skinner's going back into cold storage.

Derek Fisher: I cannot stress enough how important Derek Fisher has been in the Lakers' resurgence this season. Not only is he providing heaping helpings of much-needed veteran leadership, he's also scoring 12 PPG on a career-high 47 percent shooting. And he was huge in the L.A.'s previous two wins over the Suns (14 and 19 points, respectively). But last night he was very, very small: 3 points (1-for-6), 1 assist, 3 turnovers.

Kwame Brown: Yup, I still think this guy is the worst first overall draft pick of all time, worse even than The Kandi Man. He shot 3-for-8, missed two layups and a dunk (sounds like a job for the Mikan Drill), committed 5 fouls, and had more turnovers (7) than rebounds (6). And the Staples Center crowd was booing him. Most of the time, I'm not sure the Staples Center crowd is even awake. But they were awake last night, and acutely aware of how sucktastic Brown can be. Still, the booing was pretty harsh. When even I feel sorry for a Laker, you know something is horribly wrong.

Luke Walton: He had a career season last year, signed a nice new contract with the Lakers over the summer, and now his numbers have dropped in pretty much every category. Man, I haven't heart that story before. (Another textbook case of the Contract Year Phenomenon.) Walton's downward spiral continued last night, as he scored zero points on 0-for-4 shooting.

Leandro Barbosa: He shot (8-for-12) and scored (team-high 22 points) well, but his floor game was lacking. The Suns offense dries up when he's playing the point. He dribbles too much, forces up tougher-than-necessary shots, and throws the ball away (4 turnovers). D'Antoni should use him exclusively as a shooting guard. Of course, that would be easier if the Suns actually had a backup point guard...

Labels: Brian Skinner, Bruce Bowen, Damon Jones, Derek Fisher, Francisco Elson, Kwame Brown, Luke Walton, Paul Millsap, Sasha Pavlovic, Tony Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night, Zydrunas Ilgauskas