Labels: Bawful After Dark, gratuitous Ostertag reference, groin punching, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Thanksgiving, Utah Jazz

"What, me worry?" (Hint: Maybe you should, Mike.)

Not pictured - the single tear running down Gerald's face as he is taunted by Bart and Lisa Simpson.

"NOOOOO!" Shot from an NBA game, or a dramatic acting scene from a soap opera? Tough call.

INVISBLE MCHALE CLOTHESLINE

Nationally televised games tonight:

Suns at Hornets - The last time these teams met in New Orleans on November 11th, the Hornets were thoroughly crushed in a 124-104 home loss. Goran Dragic(!) pulled down a team-leading 7 rebounds for the Suns, to put the game into perspective. Could we see one a revenge game? The Hornets also have the Wounded Tiger Theory/Ewing Theory working in their favor with Chris Paul still injured. However, I am also the amazing prognosticator who expected a dead coach bounce for the Hornets, when they have in fact merely had a dead coach splat. So just forget I said anything.

Bulls at Lakers - Despite apparently dying in Miami recently, Pau Gasol is expected to make his season debut for the Lakers. (Meanwhile, Marc Gasol has set a Grizzlies franchise record by making 15 consectuive shots over two games. Seriously.) Also, John Salmons is expected to not put up bad shots tonight; some of his best peformances have come against the Lakers for some reason, including his lone 30 point game with the Bulls. Not that it will matter much since we'll see a game recap tomorrow about how John Salmons single-handedly defeated the Lakers right next to the story about how he cured cancer and taught pigs to fly in order to vanquish an evil terroist plot to destroy the planet.

All the other games:

Jazz at Spurs - According to the Stats LLC preview on ESPN.com, "the Utah Jazz haven't won in San Antonio in more than a decade." Let that sink in for a minute. "The Utah Jazz haven't won in San Antonio in more than a decade." The Jazz last won a game in San Antonio back in February of 1999. The last time the Jazz won there, you could still party like it was 1999 and not come off as a total douchebag. Greg Ostertag was the youngest player on the team at 25 years of age. Karl Malone, Jeff Hornacek, and John Stockton's short shorts were three of the Jazz's four best players. Hell, even The Nature Boy and Hogan were still relevant and fake-whupping each other back then. (Wait, what? Umm, woo? Moving on...)

While both teams are on the wrong side of back-to-back games, we all know the Spurs are a "chronologically advanced" team. So yeah. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

Labels: Bawful After Dark, gratuitous Ostertag reference, guest author, I suck at predicting sports, pictures

Falling on your damn head doesn't counttoward suck differential. But it should.
suck differential (suhk dif'-uh-rehn-shul) noun. A descriptor similar to the trillion that not only describes a player's statistical insignificance, but also quantifies the player's net negative effect for their team. Can be abbreviated as "suck."

Usage example: In Wednesday's Bobcats-Knicks game, Nazr Mohammed's +1 suck differential was upstaged by Malik Rose's +2 suck. How much money do they make again?

Word history: The term was coined and defined by basketbawful reader AnacondaHL in the comments section of a recent Worst of the Night post. AnacondaHL wrote most of this post. However, I did make the following change: A one trillion is still awarded only if a player has zeroes in all categories. Thus a suck differential score has some attributes that are similar to the trillion, only they have racked up some stats...all of which are negative.

Word details: In order to obtain the suck differential descriptor, a player must first earn a trillion in the standard "positive" categories: (0 points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, FGM, 3PTM, FTM). In addition, each FGA, FTA, TOV, and PF increases the suck differential by +1. (Hence, a standard trillion has a suck differential of +0).

Note that +/- points differential is distinctly NOT used in the suck differential. We can't have better teammates covering for sucky teammates now, can we?

One problem with suck differential is that each suck category is given equal weight. Does 2 missed free throws equal 2 turnovers on the suck scale? What if one personal foul was intentional for clock management? A more complex formula could attempt to describe "team points/possessions lost because of what you did", and could adjust FGA by +2 (+3 for missed 3PTA), TOV's by +1.1, etc.

But quite frankly, if your only opportunity to make a game and statistical impact was two free throws and you miss both, you deserve the +2 to your suck differential. And if your only job in the game was to be used for your personal fouls, that's a pretty solid +1 earned.

Making this post created even more questions in my head. What was the largest single game suck differential last year? Who leads the league with the highest suck-to--minutes played ratio? Could suck differential, applied properly to +/-, actually make a meaningful stat independent of teammate performance? Let's get 82games.com on this pronto.

Labels: fan submissions, gratuitous Ostertag reference, measurements for craptasticness, one trillion, sucking