Loser

Some people believe that anybody who becomes a professional basketball players is worthy of a certain amount of respect and admiration. I disrespectfully disagree. There are five former players whose "careers" are, in my estimation, deserving only of mockery, which I will provide in the following paragraphs. Because these men, these titans of disrepute, all logged exactly one minute of NBA action...ever.

Andy Panko and Cedric Hunter: Panko -- born Andrew John Panko III -- was a 6'9" forward out of Lebenon Valley College. Hunter was a 6'0" guard from the University of Kansas. These two men, so different in so many ways, were united by one ignominious feat: They scored a one trillion...for their entire career. Panko's one minute of career nothingness was achieved on January 11, 2001 against the Golden State Warriors (Panko played for the Hawks, appropriately enough). Hunter's meaningless 60 seconds of lifework happened on February 16, 1992 against the Miami Heat (Hunter was a member of the Charlotte Hornets). I have repeatedly used the one trillion as a means of describing a player's complete and utter statistical insignificance. Notching a trillion here or there is one thing, but having a "career" that is a one trillion? It's so sad it's awesome.

Barry Sumpter: Barry was a 6'11" foward-center out of, uh, Austin Peay State University? (Yes, it's a real place.) But, to be fair, after one season at APSU, he transferred to Louisville where he promptly became not as good. But he still managed to sign a one-year, $100,000 contract with -- prepare to be very not surprised -- the Los Angeles Clippers for the 1988-89 season. He played his minute on April 2, 1989 against the soon-to-be NBA champion Detroit Pistons. Unlike Panko and Hunter, Barry managed to at least get off a shot...which he missed. His infamous career ended 0-for-1 and zero-for-everything else. Unless you count his PER score of -30.2.

Forest Able: Forest Edward Able -- also known as "Frosty" -- was a 6'3" guard out of Western Kentucky University. Frosty "played" for the Syracuse Nationals during the 1956-57 season, and he packed a lot of activity into his one minute of lack-tion: 2 shots (both of which he missed), 1 rebound, 1 assist and 1 personal foul. So, you know, he tried (even if he did fail in epic fashion). His career PER of -41.3 is enough to make stat-heads weep.

Dave Scholz: Mr. Scholz -- whose nickname of "Dave" was a stroke of inspired genius -- the "greatest" player in this group, in that he's the only one who actually scored two points on 1-for-1 shooting. This means that he shot 100 percent for his career and averaged an incredible 96 points per 48 minutes. Oh, and his career Player Efficiency Rating (PER) of 67.6 is more than double Michael Jordan's 27.91. So, according to John Hollinger's stats, Dave Scholz may be the best basketball player in NBA history.

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9 Comments:
Anonymous charles said...
dave scholz may have been the greates basketball player in nba history - he just didn't have a chance

Anonymous Don Paco said...
You know what? I bet any of these five guys would have started for the (Worstie Award Nominees) 07/08 Miami Heat.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
maybe it was destiny, and they became kind old doctors, like moonlight Graham in Field of Dreams?
Also, what, no Yinka Dare?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
charles -- It's just like Scottie Pippen during the Jordan Era: He just needed more shots.

don paco -- You know what? You're probably right.

anonymous -- Yinka played over 1000 career minutes, so he doesn't count. However, we did immortalize him as the worst passer of all time.

Blogger evan said...
So it's too late to submit Scholz's name for inclusion on Great Jewish Athletes?

Anonymous brandon hoffman said...
And to think, Nike could have made millions off the Air Scholz.

Forget Phil Knight, hire Hollinger.

Anonymous L-Train said...
I played JV bball for a little D-3School called Susquehanna University in 99 and 2000. I remember playing at Leb Valley (they were in our conference at the time). And Panko dominated our varsity, and obviously ended up being all conference this and that.

LVC's mascot were the "Flying Dutchmen", but for some reason their stupid-ass PA guy would say: "shooting eins und eins" EVERY time a player went to the stripe for a 1-1 shooting situation. (to the uninitiated, eins is the German word for one). I'm not sure why a school called the DUTCHmen said this in German. But I think Panko's NBA career should be known as an "Ein Trillion" in honor of his Alma Mater.
(unfortunately 'trillion' in German is the same as in English. I learned this after typing all of the above and then hitting up the German/English translation website to get in this weak ass punchline. Turns out it's even weaker than I could hope, but I spent all this time typing this, so I'm submitting anyway.)

Anonymous JFK said...
Ich bin ein Trilliner?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
This site sometimes has really funny posts, and sometimes it has bad posts. This is one of the bad posts.

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