Note: This graphic apparently comes from a web comic called XKCD. I had no idea; it was simply forwarded to me by a friend. But I've heard that the comic is pretty funny.

Marvin "Bad News" Barnes -- who received his nickname for various off-the-court problems, like (allegedly) attacking Providence teammate Larry Ketvirtis with a tire iron -- was one of the NBA's great wasted talents. Cocaine abuse destroyed his body and cut short what many people thought could have been a Hall of Fame career, and Barnes has since been arrested for trespassing, stealing videotapes from an adult movie store, being under the influence of narcotics, and burglary. The awesomest of his arrests came after he robbed a liquor store in broad daylight while wearing a basketball jersey with his name on the back. Oh yes he did.

But Marvin's greatest sin was his crime against Mighty Science. In 1975, during his rookie year with the ABA's Spirit of Saint Louis, Barnes showed up for a team flight and was told that it was scheduled to leave Louisville at 8 a.m. and land in St. Louis at 7:57 a.m. This, of course, was due to a time zone change, but Barnes couldn't wrap his head around the concept. As he explained to Bob Costas (who at the time was the Spirits' announcer): "I ain't goin' on no time machine. I ain't takin' no flight that takes me back in time." So News rented a car and drove to St. Louis.

Dishonorable mentions

Update! Chris Washburn or Charles Shackleford: I got this reminder from deej: "Hey Basketbawful, you left out the scholarly Chris Washburn and his famous quote 'Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious.'" Indeed I did, although there seems to be some dispute about whether Washburn or North Carolina State teammate Charles Shackleford said it. Additionally, the statement is sometimes quoted as: "Left hand, right hand it doesn't matter, I'm amphibious."

Jason Kidd: In 1994, during his rookie season with the Dallas Mavericks, Kidd was trying to explain that the Mavs were going to improve greatly on the previous season's record of 13-69. At least, I think that's what he was trying to explain. But what he said was: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

Dennis Rodman: When asked about chemistry, the Worm said: "Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college when you want to figure out two plus ten or something." Who dresses like a woman and doesn't know a damn thing? This guy!

Doug Collins: Mr. Emotional once said: "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." Have I mentioned how glad I am he won't be coaching in Chicago this season?

Update! Drew Gooden: The bearded wonder doesn't know much about geography. He once said that: "I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee." As if that wasn't bad enough, he also claimed that: "My girlfriend isn't Asian. She's Thai." Tip o' the hat to 80's NBA for the first quote.

Update! Kenyon Martin: Ever wonder why Kenyon is such an, ahem, pleasant guy? Here's why, in his own words: "When I was young, I would just snap. I've come 360 degrees with my temper and my attitude." Yup, that's about right.

Update! Kenyon Martin (again): Did you know that Kenyon used to suffer from a persistent stuttering problem? Well, he did. And, according to him: "Sometimes I still do. I've come 360 degrees, though." That's gruh-gruh-gruh-great, Kenyon!

Update! Kenyon Martin (yet again): Regarding opening the 2001-02 season finally free of the injury and fatigue seasons that had plagued him the previous year, Kenyon said: "Trust me, it's 360 from where it was."

Kobe Bryant: Of course, I can't omit Kobe, who once lamented that: "I've always been an outcast. Since I was a little kid. I was the only black kid in Italy, I was the only Italian kid in America." Aren't there, like, 60 million people in Italy? And aren't there about 300 million people in the United States? I think Mamba needs a lesson in demographics.

Update! Mychal Thompson: Sweet Bells once explained his ability to measure errors in refraction sunny disposition during an NBA summer league broadcast: "I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good -- well you know what I mean. I believe in good stuff."

Shaq: In describing his mammoth intellect, The Big Brain Surgeon once said: "I have a lot of knowledge in my medulla oblongata." I'm sure he probably picked this term up from Water Boy, but for the record, the medulla oblongata is the part of brain that controls autonomic functions like respiration, blood pressure, swallowing, vomiting and (my favorite) defecation. So...was The Big Geritol actually saying he has poop for brains? I'll let you decide for yourself.

Shaq (again): The Big Mathemetist also claimed that: "My game is like the Pythagorean theorem, no one has an answer." But, uhm, there is an answer to that theorem, Mr. O'Neal. Update! Shaq actually used this quote again, revising his original assertion: "There is no answer to the Pythagorean theorem. Well, there is an answer, but by the time you figure it out, I got 40 points, 10 rebounds, and then we're planning for the parade."

Shaq (yet again): And when asked whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece, the Deisel fatuously uttered: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs we went to." Update! Loved this comment from Basketbawful reader a: "What he should have said is that other centers are probably like the Quadratic Equation -- nobody remembers them after 2 years! B2+/- Root C2-4AC... aw screw it!"

Tracy McGrady: Jason Kidd and Kenyon Martin aren't the only NBA players who have trouble with Euclidean geometry. After signing with the Orlando Magic in 2000, T-Mac said: "[My] career was sputtering until [I] did a 360 and got headed in the right direction." Hm. Could explain all those first round disappointments.

Update! Vlade Divac: I'm sure there's a perfectly sound physiological reason that middle-aged men develop large and rather nasty beer bellies. But Vlade thinks there's also a psychological reason. To wit: "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." Another tip 'o the hat to 80's NBA.

Yogi Berra: Oh, and even though he's not a basketball guy, I can't omit Yogi's celebrated declaration that: "Baseball is 90 percent mental -- the other half is physical." That was almost matched by Mickey Rivers infamous "Pitching is 80 percent of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding" comment.

If you have another example of a basketball player mutilating the sciences, leave a comment or email me directly.

Important Note: In case you're wondering about the 2007-08 Worsties, they got delayed, mostly because they're going to be much longer than I originally anticipated. Expect a multi-part series to start next week.

Labels: Doug Collins, Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Marvin "Bad News" Barnes, Mighty Science, Shaq, Tracy McGrady, Worst Evers

DeShawn Stevenson: "I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them...." Oops. Sorry. Wrong story. But for the record, I did warn Stevenson. Who in their right mind would want to rile up LeBron James? Would you spit on a cop? Would you kick a rabid dog in the snout? Would you show up on Mother's Day and tell your mom to bake you a pot pie? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then congratulations: You're officially as stupid as the Locksmith.

According to the Wizards' medical staff, it's going to take five to six weeks for Stevenson's eyebrows to grow back after the way LeBron torched him last night: 30 points, 9 rebounds, 12 assists, and 2 blocked shots in the Cavaliers' 116-86 atomic blasting of the Wizards. That 30-point margin represents Cleveland's biggest margin of victory in 112 playoff games. Stevenson played okay -- 12 points (4-for-7), 2 assists -- but King James ate his lunch. The defining moment of this "rivalry" happened last night when Stevenson hit a three to reduce Cleveland's lead to 16 points and blew on his "hot hand." LeBron responded with a three of his own with Stevenson in the poster. Watch for yourself. [From Odenized.]


Gilbert Arenas: Agent Zero! Now...plain zero!! It's not enough that Gil had a bad game -- 7 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 3 turnovers, 4 fouls -- he further humiliated himself by getting an exceptionally stupid technical foul by giving Wally Szczerbiak a needless post-foul shove. I kind of expected better of Arenas. And don't forget that his "I think everybody wants Cleveland in that first round" and "We don't think they can beat us in the playoffs three years straight" comments provided plenty of bullentin board material for last night's beating.

Brendan Haywood: Just when we all thought that the Wizards couldn't possibly light a bigger fire under LeBron, Haywood proved us wrong by getting ejected for shoving James out of bounds to prevent a dunk. As fouls go, it wasn't that hard -- certainly not a "Kevin McHale clotheslines Kurt Rambis" or a Bill Laimbeer special -- but it was the kind of player-in-the-air hit that could have caused LeBron to fall and possibly injure himself. So it was dangerous and stupid. Great work, Brendan. Top notch. Update! Basketbawful reader Tonewise would like to remind everybody about Haywood's summer job.


Oleksiy Pecherov: The Ukrainian Nightmare rounded out Washington's night of woe by putting up a three trillion. Seems fitting.

Tracy McGrady: It's not that T-Mac didn't play well -- 23 points, 13 rebounds, 9 assists, 3 steals, and 2 blocked shots -- it's that he pulled off yet another of his infamous four quarter disappearing acts, scoring only 1 point on 0-for-4 shooting. McGrady is now 0-for-7 in the fourth quarter in this series. It's deja vu all over again. It's deja vu all over again. It's...oh, you get it.

After the game, McGrady explained that it was exhaustion, and not clutchshotitis, that caused his latest fourth quarter collapse. "I had no legs. I was on empty. Banging with Matt Harpring, trying to rebound, trying to make plays for my team, trying to score, playing 43 minutes. That's a lot."

That's true. It was a lot. And I watched the game: T-Mac really was tired. But his post-game analysis felt like just another McGrady excuse. I did everything I could, but my team couldn't win. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think great players make those kind of excuses. I remember after a bone-tired Larry Bird played almost every minute of the 1985 NBA Finals, somebody asked him why the Celtics lost. His reply? "We wanted to win. [The Lakers] just played better." He could have blamed exhaustion, or the fact that he had a chronic elbow injury (he did), or explained that he injured his shooting hand in a bar fight during the Eastern Conference Finals (it's true). But Bird wasn't an excuse maker. Neither was Magic. Or Jordan (during his pre-Washington days, anyway).

McGrady really is on the same level of Kobe and LeBron...through three quarters. But he is and seemingly will always be 12 minutes away from true greatness.

Doug Collins and (I think) Kevin Harlan: I don't know if it was a studio edict or they just feel sorry for the guy, but Collins and Harlan spent most of the first three quarters making excuses for McGrady's inevitable failure. They repeatedly said that McGrady was having a great game -- which he did, until the fourth quarter -- and stated unequivocally that a Rockets' loss would not be T-Mac's fault. It's like they knew what was going to happen so they needed to start the excuse-making early. Well, at any rate, it's nice to know that McGrady is the one superstar who can't be faulted for his team's losses. According to these guys, anyway.

Update! Magic Johnson: From JustinS: "Magic must have received the memo, too, because he couldn't shut the hell up about McGrady during the half-time and post-game shows. I loved Magic as a player, but he's one of the worst commentators ever. He's in the Reggie Miller/Jon Barry League of Bad." Thanks, Justin. I had meant to include Magic the first time around. And speaking of Reggie Miller...

Update! Reggie Miller: Reg continues to mangle the English language during live broadcasts, to regularly amusing effect. Nothing so far has been any more hilarious than what he said last night, as pointed out by Ronald Mexico Sr. in my NBA Closer column today: "Did anyone else hear Reggie Miller proclaim that LeBron James was 'coming at the basket with a full steam of head!' in the first half of the game last night? Honestly the best line of any announcer ever. Period. Even Emmitt Smith giggled after that one."

Luther Head: Poor Luther. While his former U of I teammate Deron Williams was kicking the Rockets' collective butt -- despite a sore butt of his own -- Head was having a not-so-good game: zero points, 0-for-4, 1 rebound, and a bunch of Cheerios in almost 12 minutes of lack-tion. I bet he really misses college.

Andre Kirilenko's offense: The Russian Rifle's barrel got jammed last night; he scored only 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting. But he played some pretty mean D on McGrady, especially in the third and fourth quarters. And I just love it when the broadcasters talk about how long he is.

Update! Bad officiating: I've gotten several emails and comments about the offensive foul that got called on Luis Scola near the end of the Jazz-Rockets game. And yeah: It was bad. Real bad. Extra shame on Andre Kirilenko and his phony flop. As dunpizzle said: "The Stern Button made its playoff debut in Houston. Kirilenko showing us what happens after a Ric Flair chop sealed the deal for Utah and discredited a huge game-tying three from Bobby Jackson." Actually, I don't think it was The Stern Button, because the league would have benefitted from Houston winning. More games = Bigger television revenues. But it sure was one lousy piece of shit officiating. You can see it at the 1:15 mark.


This is what a bitter T-Mac had to say after the game: "You can’t call that. I like (referee) Tony Brothers, but that was a bad call. Very, very bad call. Three points down, crucial point in the game and Kirilenko flops. He flops and you call a foul on that? It was a bad call." You're not wrong, Tracy.

Also, from quick at Deadspin: "In T-Mac's defense, the refs gave Utah that game. AK-47 looked like an extra in a Jet Li movie, the way he flew when Scola brushed him with a hand. It was absurd. Somebody needs to take that guy out back and shoot him with his own gun."

Labels: Andre Kirilenko, Brendan Haywood, DeShawn Stevenson, Doug Collins, Gilbert Arenas, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

This is the cover of the January 15, 1975 edition of Sports Illustrated, featuring none other than Paul Douglas Collins, who at the time was considered one of the best college basketball players in the country. His speed and ball-handling abilities earned him nicknames like The Torpedo Man, The Benton Blur (he played high school ball in Benton, Illinois), and Doug the Jet, and his scoring prowess caused SI to say that "...he may turn out to be Jerry West all over again...."

Doug's pro career didn't quite match that of The Logo's -- okay, it never even came close -- and he eventually went on to become a head coach who cried a lot and, as Wikipedia puts it, "is best known as being the coach who could not win an NBA title with Michael Jordan in his prime." But thanks to Sports Illustrated picture editor George J. Bloodgood, Doug gave the world enough dead sexy to fuel our national libido forever.

Labels: dead sexy, Doug Collins, Sports Illustrated