I'm not sure, but I think Yao is tryingto indicate that he was fouled.
Tracy McGrady: You'd better sit down for this, because it's going to be quite the shocker: T-Mac left last night's game against the Thunder in the opening minute of the second half after hurting his left knee, which was sliced open during the summer to have "loose bodies" removed. And, even more shockingly, he didn't return.

Said McGimpy: "Tonight I went back to square one, even before surgery, is how my knee is feeling right now. I want to play, man. I want to play. Just to get off to this start, for me personally this is a bad start. To have to play your way through an injury that I've never had before and a surgery that was my first surgery is very frustrating. My game is really based on athleticism, and that's something that I don't have right now. I've never had any relief because I've just been trying to work my way into playing shape and strengthen my leg. I've never been 100 percent. I've just been trying to play, hoping that playing on it will take me over the edge and I don't have any more pain. It hasn't worked in my favor. It's sharp pain. It almost just seems like I never had surgery. I'm feeling the same pain."

Let me say up front that I know exactly nothing about Tracy's surgery or any rehab he's been doing since then, so I fully admit I'm talking out of my you-know-what here. But when I think about T-Mac, I can't help but compare him to Kobe. They're similar players with similar physical abilities and basketball skills. The big difference is that Kobe absolutely kills himself training to become the best player alive. This has been well-publicized. I've never read or heard anything about McGrady pushing limits or breaking personal barriers during the offseason. And, frankly, he doesn't strike me as that type of guy. If Kobe'd had loose bodies removed from his knee, I would imagine he'd bust his butt rehabbing and working out to make that joint stronger than ever. McGrady? I don't think he did that...which is why he's struggling now. I know I might be way off on this. But it's just a gut feeling.

Anyway, like I said last week...you can probably hold off on ordering those 2009 NBA Champion Houston Rockets t-shirts...

The Yao Watch: Egads. A second straight game without having one of his shots blocked. This is almost certainly the result of a reverse stat curse. However, Yao did suffer a left foot injury last night. And yes, that's the same foot he broke last season. It doesn't sound like it's serious...yet. But it sure makes me nervous.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: That's 1-10 now. In case you're keeping track at home.

The Phoenix Suns defense: They gave up 109 points to a Jazz team that was still missing two starters (Deron Williams and Mehmet Okur) and started Jarron Collins at center. So much for Terry Porter's "defense first" philosophy. Uh, Terry. If they're not defending or running, you might as well be coaching a lottery team. And there's a lot of season left, so that's not outside the realm of possibilities.

Shaq: The Big Cactus battled foul trouble all night and finished with 9 points on 3-for-11 shooting and one lonely rebound. Yes, you read that correctly. Shaq had just one board in almost 32 minutes of PT. (The only other time that happened was March 29, 1999, against the Vancouver Grizzlies. However, that was during Dennis Rodman's short stint with the Lakers...and Rodman grabbed 17 rebounds.) Said the Diesel: "I had two quick fouls, so I had to go to my finesse game." Here's the problem with that: Shaq never had a finesse game. And it showed. Even worse, Shaq had three shots blocked, including back-to-back swats by Andrei Kirilenko in the fourth quarter. You can watch all three blocks here.

Another quick note on Shaq. He was fined $25,000 for verbally abusing officials and not leaving the court in a timely manner when he was ejected Sunday for almost killing Rodney Stuckey. And as an anonymous commenter noted, this wasn't a first for the Big Flagrant. The last time the Suns faced the Pistons, last February, Shaq put Amir Johnson on the floor.


And let's not forget how, back in the 2006 NBA Finals, Shaq almost broke Jerry Stackhouse's nose (for which Jerry went after a little payback a game later). I guess Shaq really likes picking on guards. And Greg Ostertag.

Internal dissent: After last night's loss to the Jazz, Steve Nash said: "We don't really run that well. They're a good running team at home and we're not really a running team at the moment." This comment came just a week after Raja Bell complained about the team not running enough. And it wasn't the first time Captain Canada has sounded tepid on the Suns' new slow-it-down style. Last week, he noted that: "When Shaq plays (well) it's great. We're much more deliberate. I just hope we find the versatility and balance. When Shaquille isn't on the floor, we're not a team that's built for half-court basketball." Shaq, of course, keeps saying that championships are won "inside-out" (Translation: Get the ball to me). Terry Porter says he's fine with his team running...but that's not how he's calling the shots right now. This might just be transition pains as the Suns learn a new brand of ball. But if the team continues to be so inconsistent, you can probably expect continued grumpiness from the :07 Seconds or Less holdovers.

Louis Amundson: Basketbawful readers Garron and Jason K were quick to notice that the 2006 D-League Rookie of the Year had a 19-second Mario against the Jazz.

Jarron Collins: As noted above, he started at center for the Jazz. His line: 12 minutes, 0-for-2, 2 fouls, for a glorious suck differential of +4 (as noted by Basketbawful reader Filip).

The Los Angeles Clippers: They are now 1-9. And eight of those games have been at home. The Clippers have gone straight to suck. They did not pass GO. They will not collect $200. (But Baron Davis will get $65 million over five years.)

Speaking of B-Diddy, he could have tied it at the buzzer, but his turrible three-point attempt had as good a chance of reaching the moon as the basket. Said Davis: "Basically, we were trying to get like a misdirection and get me coming off the wing for a 3. But they read it right. And when I caught the ball, I had two guys on me and almost a second and a half to get a shot up with Tim Duncan -- one of the best defensive players -- standing in my face."

It was just another bad shot in a night full of 'em for the Clips. And coach Mike Dunleavy wants everybody to know that his players are chucking up some ugly ones. "We had some situations on turnovers that were careless turnovers, but the biggest factor to me was shot selection. We probably had 10 bad shots in this game. You can't give that many possessions away and expect to win. Until we get the discipline we need, as far as taking good shots and not making careless turnovers, we're going to struggle." Man...if only the Clippers had somebody to teach and instill discipline in the players. Who's supposed to do that again? Oh. Yeah. The coach.

The Fabulous Oberto: Caleb "the nailbiting Spurs fan of Brisbane" was not pleased by what he saw out of the Fabulous One last night: 14 minutes, 0-for-1 shooting, 1 assist, 1 turnover, 1 foul. Usually, it's a bad sign when your starting center doesn't grab a single rebound and is thoroughly outperformed by backup Matt Bonner (7 points, 4 rebounds and 1 blocked shot).

Steve Novak: He surpassed last Saturday's Mario with an 8-second Super Mario against the Spurs. You keep reaching for the stars, Steve!

George Karl: Yesterday, Denver Stiffs ran a post about how Karl -- surprise, surprise! -- had some rather unflattering thing to say about the recently-departed Allen Iverson: "There are less bad plays, more solid plays. I think the wasteful, cheap possessions that we used to have 10 to 15 a game, they don't exist very much anymore. We have contested-shot charts, bad-shot charts and cheap defensive possessions. I would say that when A.I. was here, we had most games in the teens of contested, tough shots, sometimes in the 20s. And I don't think we've had a double-digit one since (Billups has) been here." And more: "I don't think there's any question coaching a team for many minutes, without a passing and point guard mentality, is frustrating for a coach. Sometimes I saw something, but I couldn't get it done on the court because I didn't have a playmaker out there."

Reading between the lines isn't too had on this one: The team's failure wasnt MY fault, it was ALLEN IVERSON'S fault. So add A.I. to the list of players who have failed Karl, which includes Gary Payton, Shawn Kemp, Ray Allen, Sam Cassell, Glenn Robinson. (Note that three of those players won championships without Karl.) I'm sure Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups will be added to this list some day.

The American legal system: From Yahoo! news: "A homeless man has been sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay more than $101 million for starting two fires, including one that burned more than 163,000 acres in California two years ago." I get the jail time and, in fact, think the duration is a little short. But, seriously, what's the point in sentencing a homeless man to a $100+ million settlement? What does it accomplish? You might as well force him to remunerate in Wonderflonium or Space Gold. Here's a little reality check, Judge Whoever. If that man could pay back even $100 -- let alone $100 million -- he wouldn't be living in a cardboard box and eating out of dumpsters. But I'm sure this steep sentencing will scare other transients from starting fires in the future. Anyway, on the subject of the American legal system...

Mark Cuban: The latest scandal -- accusations of insider trading -- probably has him yearning for those halcyon days when all he had to worry about was keeping bloggers out of his locker room. Of course, Cuban, as always, remains defiant.

Kobe Bryant: He drank the last cup of coffee without making a new pot. AK Dave: "IF YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO!! YOU KNOW THAT, BABY!!!!"

Labels: George Karl, injuries, internal dissent, Los Angeles Clippers, Oklahoma City Thunder, Phoenix Suns, Shaq, The Fabulous Oberto, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night, Yao Watch

Pickup ball really puts a smile on my face...
An anonymous reader left the following comment on yesterday's The NBA versus Male Genitals post:

"I got a hit in the nuts horror story for the ages. When I was around 15 years old, I was at the park playing basketball when I did a no look bullet pass into the post. My teammate wasn't ready for it so it went out of bound with a crazy amount of velocity right into the crotch of some poor sap who was sitting on a bench hanging out with what I'm guessing was his girlfriend. He immediately falls to the ground shrieking and crying. I walked over to apologize and see if he was alright, when I suddenly see blood stains on his jeans around his crotch. I started freaking out asking what happened when his girlfriend yelled at me, "He just got circumcised a couple of days ago!" The guy's probably alright now but I still feel guilty that I might have inadvertently ruined some young man's genitalia."

If you were able to read that gruesome story without at least wincing, then I'm pretty sure you don't have a penis. Which, for the time-being, makes you one of the lucky ones. [shudders] Anyway, it got me to thinking about weird basketball injury stories. I'm not talking about the standard sprains, strains, pulls, bruises, cuts, etc. I'm talking strange stuff. Here's the story of my oddest basketball-related boo-boo.

Several years ago, I was playing pickup ball with a few friends at Lifetime Fitness late on a Sunday evening. Now, I had received two early warnings that strange things were afoot that night. First, a buddy of mine who cannot hit from the outside beat me in a game of 21 -- for the first and only time ever -- by shooting all threes. (I continued to give him the green light, of course, because I refused to believe he'd keep knocking them down.) Second, some very eccentric characters showed up and asked us to go full court, including one guy who was playing without shoes or socks. (Who plays basketball while barefoot? Seriously?) I ignored Fate's warnings, though, and paid for it dearly. On the first possession of the first full court game, I collapsed into the paint to help out on a guard who had beaten his man off the dribble, but the guy flailed his off arm and whacked me in the face. It was a stinging blow, and I was momentarily stunned. I grabbed my mouth, where he'd hit me, and bowed my head slightly...and blood started gushing onto the court.

My buddies, who know me a little too well, assumed I'd just keep playing. (I have a history of playing through some rather grievous injuries.) But the blood was freaking me out -- I mean, there was a lot of it -- so I stumbled out of the gym and toward the locker room to check things out. I bumped into another one of my friends on the way, and when he asked what was wrong I removed my hand to show him the wound. I asked how bad it was, and he said, "Uh...was it hanging down like that before?" It? Hanging?! As cryptic and somewhat alarming comments go, that one was right up there. So I started freaking out a little.

In the locker room, I wiped some of the blood off my face with a paper towel -- I know, really sterile of me -- and inspected the damage. It was worse than I'd imagined. The corner of my mouth where my upper and lower lips meet had split and was just gaping open. It wasn't the force of the blow that had done it; the hit had driven the flesh into my incisor, which had done the job that nature created it for: To cut and slice. My very first thought was: "Oh shit! I'm...I'm deformed!" It looked that grisly.

Pressing a huge wad of paper towels against the wound, I shuffled to my car and drove myself to the nearest emergency room I could think of. It was empty when I got there, but they made me wait for over an hour anyway. I guess people were dying in the back or something. While waiting, I asked the nurse on duty for a butterfly bandage or maybe some gauze, but she said they didn't have any. How a hospital doesn't have these things is beyond me. (My suspicion is that she simply didn't know where they were or didn't want to have to stand up and, you know, do actual work.)

The good news was that, once I got to see the doctor, he assured me that he could stitch everything back together and that the scarring would occur inside my mouth, so no one would ever see it. Whew. There were some downsides, though. For one, it took him so long to return after shooting me up with anesthetic -- about an hour and a half -- that the anesthetic had actually worn off a little bit by the time he started working on me. Let me tell you, that did not feel good, but it was almost 3 a.m. by this point and I was sick of waiting. The other crappy part of the whole deal was that he had to sew half of my mouth shut...and it had to stay that way for no less than a week and a half.

Having half of my mouth sewn shut really sucked. I know that sounds rather obvious, but allow me to expound. First, I was only able to eat things I could suck through a straw. That meant I was on a liquid diet for about two weeks. Liquid diets get a little boring after about, oh, half of one meal. They also leave you weak and constantly hungry. Second, I couldn't talk. Well, I could, but everything I said sounded like, "Errr, errr, errrgh." But the real bummer was that the very next Saturday was my dating anniversary with my then-girlfriend. We had reserved a fancy hotel room and pre-ordered some really nice room service food, complete with hors d'oeuvres and cake. But I couldn't eat. And I couldn't kiss. And the area of my mouth that was stitched shut was rubbing against my teeth, which caused several canker sores to form on the wound...so let's just say I wasn't exactly filled with passion and romance. Worst date ever? Pretty close, yeah.

Okay. I've spilled my guts. Now you, dear readers, must post some of your freaky basketball injury stories. I'll add the good ones to this post.

Labels: injuries, pickup basketball, so much blood

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July, a day when you get to celebrate freedom by setting things on fire and blowing them up...just like our founding fathers intended when they won our independence from the Nazis. (Thank you, Abraham Lincoln!) But before you do that, read this. It may not be freedom, but it's the next best thing.

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract. (Note: I started writing this one when I thought it was simply a bladder infection. Then I found out about the colitis and just left it in. Not really a dumn injury, per se.)

Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.

Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.

Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm...on a physioball. No, really. At least he wasn't so fat it exploded on him...

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off teh court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.

Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]


Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Labels: Charles Barkley, Derrick McKey, Drew Gooden, Dwyane Wade, Greg Ostertag, injuries, Jeff Ruland, Kevin Johnson, Lionel Simmons, Moochie Norris, Muggsy Bogues, Vladimir Radmanovic, Worst Evers

The injury bug: Last night, the Orlando Magic lost not one but two starters due to injury. Jameer Nelson got knocked out of the game in the first quarter after getting hit in the jaw by teammate Dwight Howard, and Hedo Turkoglu left during the second quarter because of a sprained right wrist. I'm not saying that losing those guys is the reason Orlando lost to the Spurs, but it sure didn't help. The Magic took Nelson out of the game only as a precaution -- he's had two concussions in two years -- but he could play in the team's next game on Friday. Turkoglu will have an MRI and visit with a hand specialist today to determine the extent of his wrist injury.

Matt Bonner: He was in and out of the Spurs/Magic game in less time than it would take to reheat a slice of pizza in the microwave. His line: Zero-for-everything in 39 seconds of PT.

Jermaine O'Neal: Remember this guy? Yeah, he's still a Pacer, although I wouldn't fault you for forgetting that fact. The Drain has missed 31 straight games with a left knee injury, but he has been practicing -- we're talking about practice, man! -- and said he expects to be back soon. To which I say: Why?! My theory: To increase his off-season trade value. Indiana coach Jim O’Brien says Jermaine can return to active duty once his cardiovascular conditioning is good enough to play.

Los Angeles Clippers: Tank-a-palooza 2008 continued for the fake-injury-riddled Clips, who made the Dirk Nowitzki-less Mavericks look like champions-in-waiting even without their reigning MVP. Josh Howard threw in 32 points, Erick Dampier became a real center -- for one night, anyway -- by scoring 19 points and gobbling up 17 boards, and Jerry Stackhouse put up 20 without even choking anybody. There's no better way to reheat your magic sauce than to play the Clippers.

Update! Dirk Nowitzki, play-by-play announcer: From the always-funny Odenized. It's almost six minutes long, but watch the whole thing. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.


Jason Kidd: While his teammates were lighting the house on fire against the hapless Clippers, Kidd maintained the sloppy, lackluster play that'll probably help Avery Johnson get fired after the season: 10 points on 2-for-7 shooting, 8 assists, and 7 turnovers. But he did have a +/- score of +15, so I guess he actually played really well. Thank the gods for advanced stats!

Juwan Howard: The wily veteran is still alive and capable of putting up big numbers. Last night, he put up three trillion of them.

Atlanta Hawks: You guys do want to make the playoffs, right? Then why did you lose to the Dysfunction-A-Bulls?

Mario West: The good news: Super Mario got into the game for a whole minute and 16 seconds. The bad news: He scored a one trillion.

Larry Hughes: Ew! What the hell did I just step in?! Oh, it's Larry Hughes' jumper! Is that...is that corn? [shudder] Anyway, Larry's shot has returned to its typically ugly form. Last night he scored 9 points on 3-for-10 shooting. He's 9-for-33 (27 percent) over his last three games.

Andres Nocioni: The ragin' Argentinian went on a towel-slamming, expletive-slinging rampage when he got benched on Saturday, but there's a reason he was riding the pine: He sucks. Right now, anyway. Last night, Chapu grabbed 4 rebounds and committed 3 fouls in 13 scoreless minutes.

Drew Gooden's huge, throbbing ego: Drew Gooden played like a man last night, scoring 31 points and grabbing 16 rebounds. It was Gooden's ninth double-double in the 16 games since he was traded to the Bulls. The million-dollar question, though, is can he keep this up? Said Gooden: ''Yes, I can. And I will continue to work to get better at it. This is something that's not new to me, but I've got to brush off some of the old tools and put them back into use. Because I have had a couple years [playing with LeBron James] where I was the guy that goes out, works hard and grabs rebounds and becomes a defender with offensive capabilities." In case you need a Gooden-to-English translation, that means playing with LeBron was holding him back, and not that it's easier to put up big numbers when you're on a lousy, lottery-bound team. But Gooden's mouth wasn't finished. Not by a long shot. "I possess the tools. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think I possess everything. I feel like I can pass, block shots, play great defense, play help defense, shoot threes." No, not done yet. There was more. ''I believe that I can do it all. And confidence is the number one factor when it comes to offense. I can score in the post; I can score with my back to the basket, face up.'' You go, Drew. I look forward to watching you win the MVP next season. Look out, NBA!

(Still...as well as Gooden has been performing lately, it does sort of make you wonder: Was playing with LeBron holding him back? John Hollinger didn't seem to think so, but Gooden's PER has skyrocketed from 12.6 to 18.9 since joining the Bulls. According to Hollinger's own reference guide, that change has moved Gooden from somewhere between the "scrounging for minutes" and "in the rotation" range to between "solid second option" and "borderline All-Star." Food for thought.)

C.J. Miles: Yet another one trillion award winner. Congrats, C.J.!

Washington Wizards: The Wiz followed up their ultra-impressive win over the Pistons by laying a huge, rotten egg against the Trail Blazers. Washington lost by 20 after scoring only 82 points on 35 percent shooting. The co-Grand Marshals of the Brick Parade were Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison, who combined to shoot 9-for-33 from the field and 2-for-11 from three-point range.

Stingy statisticians: Basketbawful reader Sun Devil brought this to my attention: Joel Przybilla -- the newly dubbed Vanilla Godzilla -- was credited with 25 rebounds in Portland's not-so-pretty 83-72 win over the Los Angeles Clippers last Saturday. For VG, it was a career-high. But wait! The NBA ruled that Przybilla's career-high was even career-highier: He was shorted one offensive rebound during the fourth quarter of that game, which means he actually grabbed 26 rebounds instead of "only" 25. This moves our Vanilla Godzilla into a tie -- along with with Bill Walton and LeRoy Ellis -- for the most rebounds in a regulation game in Trail Blazer history. Note: Przybilla grabbed 17 rebounds against the Wizards last night. Man, he's treating the backboards like the real Godzilla treated Tokyo...he's destroying them. Roar!!

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe. [Hat tip: TrueHoop.]

Charley Rosen: Hopefully this is the last follow-up entry to Face-Guard-Gate. Rosen finally admitted that NBA rules don't prohibit face-guarding. However, he also said, "Even though this is true, my point remains valid, i.e., that refs used to call face-guarding fouls and no longer do so." Actually, his original point -- which was "...it must be noted that Battier face-guarded Bryant on virtually every jumper. The last time I looked at the rule book, face-guarding was illegal." -- was without question not valid in any way, shape, or form. But I guess Rosen, who's just a wee bit on the arrogant side, can only concede so much at one time without his head exploding. But then, that's pretty much what I've come to expect from a man who once said, "A note to long-suffering Cavaliers' fans: Don't get caught in the LeBron James pipe dream. The best King James can ever be is an average NBA player." Good call, Charley.

(And a final note: I would really like to see some video evidence of those routine face-guarding "toots" that Rosen says referees used to make. His claims just don't jibe with the 20 years of NBA action I've watched. Take that classic Blazers/Celtics double-overtime thriller on March 15, 1992. Buck Williams face-guarded Larry Bird the entire game -- Buck even told Mike Fratello in an interview that his defensive strategy against Bird was to "get a hand in Larry's face" -- yet he wasn't once whistled for it. If anybody was ever going to have a face-guarding call go their way, it was Larry Legend playing at the Boston Garden. Hey, I'm sure face-guarding has resulted in many fouls over the years, but typically only when the defender made or seemed to make contact with the offensive player, not because the officials were trying to stomp out the face-guarding menace.)

Brandon Marshall: The Denver Broncos' wide receiver could miss up to four months of offseason training after mutilating his right forearm in a bizarre at-home accident. According to the Associated Press: "Marshall has acknowledged [the accident] was the result of horseplay with family members and a misplaced fast-food bag. He said he slipped on the bag Saturday while wrestling with family members at a Florida resort and put his right arm through a home entertainment center." According to Steve Antonopulos, the Broncos head athletic trainer, Marshall "sustained right forearm lacerations to one artery, one vein, one nerve, two tendons and three muscles. All have been repaired, and his right forearm and elbow will be immobilized for six weeks. Rehabilitation will begin in six weeks. Full recovery is expected to take three to four months." This incident definitely qualifies for the Brian Griese Memorial Bonehead Injury Award, thus named because Griese once tripped on a steep driveway at a friend's house and was knocked unconscious, then later sprained his ankle when he was run over by his dog. (Said Griese: "I was walking down the stairs and my dog came barreling down the stairs after me and clipped me, and I kind of twisted my ankle on the stairs.")

J. Jonah Jameson says: Help end the menace of Spider-man by reading my guest NBA Closer column at Deadspin.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Drew Gooden, injuries, Jason Kidd, Jermaine O'Neal, Larry Hughes, Los Angeles Clippers, Washington Wizards

An artist's representation of GrantHill's seven years in Orlando.

I know it's hard to believe today, but before he became a limping human interest story, Grant Hill was one of the best basketball players in the world. He was a two-time NCAA champion (at Duke), NBA co-rookie of the year (with Jason Kidd), an Olympic gold medallist (on Dream Team II), a perennial All-Star (for the Detroit Pistons), and a charter member of the "Next Jordan" Club (alongside Harold Minor, Penny Hardaway, Jerry Stackhouse, and whoever else you want to name).

In August of 2000, Hill’s hard work, dedication, and all-around good guyness was rewarded in the form of a 7-year, $93 million contract courtesy of the Orlando Magic. There he would be teamed with up-and-coming superstar Tracy McGrady, and everybody anticipated the Magic becoming a league powerhouse almost overnight.

But as we all know, that didn’t happen. Thanks to a wide variety of debilitating ankle injuries, Hill played in only 200 games (and missed 374) over his seven years with the Magic. The bulk of those games came in the last three years; he played in only 47 games (out of 328) during his first four seasons in Orlando (otherwise known as the "Tracy McGrady is on his own" Era).

The injuries were grueling, and the surgeries were even moreso. In fact, after one surgery in March of 2003, he developed a staph infection and nearly died. As low points go, "almost dead" ranks just slightly ahead of "actually dead."

Hill made a comeback of sorts over the last three years, playing 67 games in 2004-05 (and averaging a surprising 19.7 PPG) and 65 games last season (averaging a solid 14.4 PPG). There were plenty of teary-eyed tributes and inspirational stories about how he bravely fought through terrible adversity to play the game he loves. As moving as those featurettes usually were, it probably should have been pointed out that he wasn't exactly saving kittens from a burning building, or helping old ladies across the street. But whatever.

Despite all the inspiration, I'm sure the Magic organization was glad that Hill's behemoth contract expired this summer. However, I'm also sure they felt as though they deserved first dibs on his continued services, and on the cheap. After all, hadn't they been patient and diligent in his care? They never tried to rush him back, or force him to play through injuries. As far as I'm aware, they never tried to buy him out or ask him to restructure his contract to ease their salary cap burdens (which were significant). Sure, they appealed to the league for injury exceptions, but by all accounts they treated Hill as well as any organization would have, under the circumstances (which were grim).

Hill didn't give the Magic a chance, though. Instead, he immediately bolted for the Phoenix Suns in what we must assume is one last, desperate gamble for a championship. On the one hand, it's hard to begrudge him that opportunity after all he's suffered through. But on the other hand, Hill really should have rewarded some of the loyalty the Magic have shown him over the last seven years. What happened to Mr. Good Guy? I mean, it's hard to argue that he left Detroit for the money back in 2000, and it's even harder to argue that he's leaving the Magic for a shot at glory. You expect that kind of behavior from most NBA players, but Hill was supposed to be above that sort of thing, a character guy, a Sportsmanship Award winner.

Well, the Magic fans are pissed. Just read some of those comments. I haven't seen a fanbase this bitter and potentially dangerous since, well, since the Celtics "lost" the NBA draft. The sense of betrayal is so strong that many of the fans are openly wishing for Hill to break his ankles (among other things). Most of them think he robbed the Magic and gave very little in return, and it's hard to blame them for feeling that way. I mean, you'll notice that Hill never offered to alter his contract in the team's favor, or pull a Derek Fisher and just set them free of it. No, he expected every dime of that $93 million. And then, as soon as he got the chance, he split.

It's a shame. I always had a lot of respect for Grant Hill. And while I understand that the NBA is, unfortunately, an "every man for himself" business, I frankly still feel that he owed the Magic a little better than that.

Labels: Grant Hill, huge contracts, injuries, Orlando Magic