"The Big Elvis" in action.

I guess you can add "The Big Divor-say" to Shaq's seemingly endless list of nicknames. The Miami Heat center has officially slam-dunked his five-year marriage to wife Shaunie, with whom he shares four presumably giant children. To help celebrate his newfound freedom from marital bliss, here's a list of Shaq's best nicknames.

Editor's Note: When discussing the all-time worst nicknames, I stated that Baron Davis holds the world's record for most nicknames with seven. I stick by that claim, since most of Shaq's nicknames were self-invented and thus don't count.

1. Shaq: This nickname has been used so universally for so long that some people actually don't know that "Shaq" is short for his given name of Shaquille, which is Arabic for "Little Warrior."

2. Superman: Shaq is obsessed with the Man of Steel. He has a Superman tattoo on his arm, a Superman logo on several of his cars, a logo etched onto a leather jacket, and he can often be seen wearing Superman t-shirts, necklaces, and other paraphernalia. He even starred in Steel, a crappy movie about a man who was himself a cheap Superman knockoff. The dude flat out wants to be Superman. Sure it's crazy, but are you gonna tell him "no"?

3. Diesel: Also spoken as "Shaq Diesel." This nickname supposedly indicates that he has the power and endurance of a diesel engine. Or maybe it's because of the weird burning smell that follows him everywhere.

4. Daddy: Also spoken as "Shaq Daddy" and "The Big Daddy." Although he's estranged from his biological father, Shaq is extremely close to his step-father Phillip Harrison (whom O'Neal credits for making him the monstrous, hulking man he is today). Shaq himself has fathered five children and likes to act as a sort of big brother/father figure to his younger teammates.

5. M.D.E (Most Dominant Ever): Shaq began referring to himself as the M.D.E. after leading the Lakers to three straight NBA titles from 2000 to 2002. Despite missing a slew of games during those years and of course being very fat, Shaq was virtually unstoppable in the playoffs and especially the Finals (where he averaged close to 40 PPG). People use this nickname to mock him now, but back then it was pretty hard to argue against it.

6. The Big [Whatever]: Shaq loves giving himself new nicknames that begin with "The Big" and end with a grandiose reference, usually to some other famous person or thing. These nicknames have included the "The Big Aristotle" (as a reference to the consistent greatness that won him the 2000 NBA MVP) , "The Big Maravich" (for making nine free throws in a row against the Portland Trailblazers in the playoffs), "The Big Felon" (for making a game-saving steal against the Orlando Magic), "The Big IPO" (because his stock was way, way up), and "The Big Baryshnikov" (comparing his low post moves to the dance work of famous Russian ballet artist Mikhail Baryshnikov).

Basketbawful Fun Fact: Elgin Baylor sarcastically referred to Wilt Chamberlain as "The Big Musty" because the huge center rarely showered or washed his uniform. It is unknown whether that nickname influenced Shaq, or whether Shaq himself takes showers.

7. L.C.L. (Last Center Left): One of Shaq's biggest complaints -- and there are many -- is how the center position has been almost totally redefined. Instead of huge, indomitable pivot-men, today's NBA centers are smaller, faster, and more "versatile" (i.e., they shoot threes instead of posting up strong and taking it to hoop). For this reason, Shaq feels that he is the last true center in the NBA, and perhaps the world (that sound you just heard was Yao Ming's heart breaking).

8. Wilt Chamberneazy: This nickname was coined by former teammate Kobe Bryant as a sort of homage/comparison to Wilt Chamberlain. Shaq considers it his favorite nickname and even had it printed on his baseball cap.

9. Doctor Shaq: This nickname was invented in 2005 as a way to dis Andrew Bynum, Shaq's "replacement" on the Lakers. Bynum claimed that he was similar to Shaq, except that he made his freethrows. Never one to take insults lightly, Shaq responded thus: "Tell him Shaq doesn't respond to juvenile delinquents without a college degree. Tell him to get his degree and we can talk. In the meantime, he should call me Dr. Shaq because I'm working on my PhD." Shaq originally stated that he was going to earn his doctorate in "either criminology or art history," but instead opted to accept honorary degrees in Shaq-Fu and Kazaamology.

10. Shaq Albert: Back in 2003, Mark Cuban tried to give his Dallas Mavericks an edge over the Lakers by playing a specially prepared cartoon on the team's jumbotron during a timeout. The cartoon depicted Shaq's face on the body of cartoon character Fat Albert and was accompanied by a voiceover that criedout, "Hey, hey, hey, I'm Shaq Albert!" Instead of killing Cuban with one clubbing blow, Shaq laughed until he was doubled over. Which obviously was hard for someone as fat as he was.

11. The Big Deporter: (This should be included in number 6, but it deserved its own entry.) In 2000, after eliminating Arvydas Sabonis and Rik Smits from the playoffs, Shaq dubbed himself "The Big Deporter" (both players were outspoken about returning to their native countries after getting eliminated).

12: Osama Bin Shaq: Shaq gave himself this nickname "for terrorizing Keith Van Horn under the boards" during the 2002 NBA Finals.

13. The Big Banana: (Again, this one deserved its own entry) After getting gangbanged with criticism for his "Osama Bin Shaq" nickname, Shaq renamed himself "The Big Banana" because "I peel the life out of the Nets."

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Kobe Bryant, Mark Cuban, Miami Heat, nicknames, Shaq

Air Jordan. Doctor J. Larry Legend. Magic Johnson. Pistol Pete. A good nickname inspires awe and ensures that you'll be enshrined in the Pantheon of Basketball Legends. A bad nickname, on the other hand, is like genital herpes: It's a stain on your life that can never be removed. Here's a list of what I consider to be the worst basketball nicknames of all time.

Big Country: According to Wikipedia, Bryant Reeves was was nicknamed "Big Country" for his size and the fact that he grew up in the very small Oklahoma town of Gans. According to me, he's called "Big Country" because he almost single-handedly ruined basketball in Canada (which is a big country). Just an embarrassing, shapeless, blob of a man. Vancouver will never forgive him.

There's your 6th overall draft pick, folks...
Buffet of Goodness: Channing Frye gave himself this nickname to highlight his all-around skills. In doing so, he committed one of the cardinal sins of nicknaming: You cannot nickname yourself (unless you're Gilbert Arenas). Giving yourself a nickname comes off as cheesy and arrogant, and it usually only catches on in a sarcastic way. Especially when you choose something as retarded as "Buffet of Goodness."

Captain Crunch: Jalen Rose got this nickname when he was leading the 2004-05 Toronto Raptors to a 33-win season. How many games would they have won without his crunch-time heroics? Probably around 27, which is how many they won after he was traded during the 2005-06 season. The name is also synonymous with a cereal that turns to goop in milk and tastes like soggy cardboard. Blech.

Yeah, real cool nickname...
Du: No offense to Chris Duhon, but I wouldn't want a nickname that can be used as a synonym for bodily waste.

Grandmama: Larry Johnson became famous for dressing up as his eldery grandmother to sell Converse products. Think about that for a second: A man dressed in drag, old lady drag, and got called "grandmama" while playing professional basketball. How was that ever considered cool?


Kobe Stopper: Remember Ruben Patterson? Yeah. I didn't think so. And it makes no sense. Look, I hate Kobe Bryant, but even I have to admit there's no such thing as a "Kobe Stopper." You might as well call him "Santa Claus" or "The Leprechaun."

The Black Mamba: Prior to the 2005-06 season, Kobe Bryant decided to give himself a nickname, but he screwed it all to hell. First, he broke the rule that says you can't give yourself a nickname. Second, he chose a name that sounded like a professional wrestling villain. Third, he ripped it off directly from Kill Bill: Volume 2. And fourth, the character he ripped it off from was a woman. And finally, it's a goddamn poisonous snake. Way to enhance your image, Kobe. This nickname has spawned countless jokes, and you'll notice that Kobe has never, ever mentioned it again.

The Mailman: I don't know about you, but every mailman I've ever seen has been a pasty, bloated white guy who never gets out of his truck and won't deliver the mail if there's a car parked within 20 feet of the mailbox. This does not inspire awe.

I, for one, am not impressed.
The Spider: How did John Salley get this nickname? Apparently because he has the proportional sucking ability of a spider.

TP: Tony Parker is so unremarkable, the best the nicknamers could do was string his initials together and create a nickname you can truly wipe your ass with.

He is kinda soft like toilet paper...
Zeke From Cabin Creek: This was Jerry West's nickname before he became known as "Mr. Clutch." It not only has nothing whatsoever to do with basketball, it also reminds me of the hillbilly rapists from Deliverance. And that's not a good thing. Even worse, it's not even technically accurate; West actually grew up in Cheylan, West Virginia.

Creepy.
Fun Nickname Fact #1: Baron Davis holds the world record for most nicknames attributed to a single basketball player. His nicknames include: Baron, BD, B-Diddy, B-Dazzled, Boom Dizzle, Bulletproof, and Too Easy. Seriously, does anybody need seven nicknames?

Fun Nickname Fact #2: Rik Smits stood 7'4" and was known as "The Dunking Dutchman." However, he averaged only 6.1 RPG for his career. There were games -- critical playoff games -- in which he would pull down only one or two rebounds. And he was 7'4". I'm sorry, but how is that even possible?!

Fun Nickname Fact #3: Coach Don Nelson started calling Sarunas Jasikevicius "Jazzy Cabbages" because he couldn't pronounce Sarunas' last name.

Labels: NBA, nicknames

TrueHoop turned me on to Chris Broussard's article about the top 10 basketball nicknames, and I was very tempted to post my own "best of" list in response. I mean, how did "King James" make the Top 10 when iconic nicknames like "The Big Dipper" and "Mr. Clutch" didn't even receive honorable mention?! Also missing were some of my all-time favorites, like "The Microwave," "Clyde the Glide," and "Larry Legend."

But since I did a rebuttal post last week, I decided to discuss something more original: pickup basketball nicknames.

Why nicknames are necessary in pickup basketball: According to recent scientific findings, 99.9 percent of today's pickup basketball players are men. Why is this important? Because, generally speaking, men are lazy. Mind you, this is not a critique; we genuinely enjoy our laziness. It makes life simple.

However, this means that a guy usually doesn't bother to introduce himself to the other players in his pickup league. Or, if introductions are made, names are forgotten almost immediately, thus rendering the introductions meaningless (which is part of the reason we instinctively avoid them). As a result, the only way to talk to your buddies about the games -- which is an absolute necessity in serious pickup leagues -- is to identify the other players using nicknames.

How to create a nickname: Remember what I said about men? Since you're probably too lazy to reread the previous two paragraphs, I'll summarize it for you: we're lazy. That's why, barring very special circumstances, we expend very little energy inventing nicknames. Avoid anything too fancy or thoughtful. Most nicknames are created using the time-honored formula of: Defining Characteristic + The Word "Guy." That defining characteristic may be physical or related to his basketball skills. For instance, let's say your league has a guy who's covered in body hair and a guy who shoots jumpshots almost exclusively. They'll be known as "Hairy Guy" and "Jump Shooting Guy," respectively.

Never underestimate the laziness factor. A nickname also must be easy to say. My buddy Mr. P made up a nickname for me once. Since I often play full-court defense, he started calling me "Ninety-Four Feet of Pain." Ultimately, the nickname was too difficult to say and never caught on. And for that, I'm grateful.

Types of nicknames: There are two types of nicknames in pickup basketball: 1) specific nicknames and 2) generic nicknames.

The specific nickname focuses on a characteristic that is specific to one particular player and probably cannot be applied to others. For instance, let's say there's a guy in your league who has a glass eye (and yes, you will remember this fact but not his name). He, then, would become known as "Glass Eye Guy."

A generic nickname usually identifies a characteristic that can apply to multiple players over time. For instance, let's say there's a guy who has limited skill but plays really hard. He may become known as "Hustle Guy." But if another guy who comes along later who also plays really hard, he might also be called "Hustle Guy" (or "Hustle Guy Number Two" if the first guy is still in the league).

Specific nickname examples: Here are some specific nicknames from my pickup league.

1. Backwards Hat Guy: If you play basketball and wear baseball caps, you've probably tried to play basketball while wearing a baseball cap. It really doesn't work all that well, does it? Yet there's a guy in our league who wears a backwards baseball cap week after week, and has done so for years. The cap has never come off; it's on when he gets there and it's still on when he leaves. I've always wondered whether he's hiding a third eye under that hat.

2. Bandana Guys: By now, you've probably seen those commercials for Nike's Air Force 25 shoes. Now imagine you saw that group of guys walking into your pickup league, only there's no dramatic music, instead of NBA all-stars they're a bunch of topless white dudes, and they're all wearing identical bandanas. Regardless of your stance on homosexuality, you have to admit that's pretty gay.

3. Gheorghe Muresan: Basically, this guy is tall, lanky, has a scraggly goatee, and, well, he looks like Gheorghe Muresan. Ironically, he wears a Clyde Drexler jersey every week. I've never seen him wear anything else. For all I know, he doesn't own anything else. Every once in a while someone will call him "Drexler," but it's not complimentary and it's usually accompanied by a sarcastic laugh.

4. Michigan Guy: The first time this dude showed up to the league, he was wearing a full compliment of Michigan University apparel. I'm talking official replica jersey, shorts, sweatbands...he even had team socks. It didn't help that he was wide-eyed, seemingly mute, and a truly horrific basketball player. The following week he showed up in an official Chicago Bulls uniform, which was too much for even the nicest guys in the league. The ensuing mockery sent him home early and, three years later, he hasn't worn any official gear since. Or gotten any better, for that matter.

5. Partial Hand Guy: This guy is missing about one-third of his shooting hand, yet, amazingly, is one of the best three-point shooters in the league. Since it isn't easy to ask someone why their hand is deformed, we don't know the story behind his missing digits...and we probably never will. However, whatever mutilated his hand also must have damaged the nerve endings in his arm, because he regularly uses his stump to club people on defense. Have you ever gotten clobbered with a huge, lifeless hunk of meat? Take my word for this: it doesn't feel good.

6. Super Mario: Have you ever wondered what the star character of the Super Mario Brothers video game would look like if he was a real person who played basketball? Okay, probably not. But if you did, you could come to my pickup league and see it. The sad thing is, when I first joined the league this guy's nickname was "Magic" because of his ability to hit baby hook shots and make nifty passes. Then he got bacterial meningitis, fell into a coma for six months, and came back a shapeless, flabby shell of his former self. Remember: every pickup basketball player has a story.

7. Fat Shaq: A fat guy who used his size to bully his way inside and snatch lots of rebounds. Very little skill or finesse, but in pickup basketball, size counts for a lot. And yes, I realize the name "Fat Shaq" is an oxymoron.

Generic nickname examples: Here are some generic nicknames that are in continual use in my league:

1. Asshole: Every pickup league has a resident asshole, someone whose behavior is so vile and obnoxious that he is universally disliked. Maybe he calls too many fouls on offense, maybe he commits too many hard fouls on defense, or maybe he does a lot of both. But whatever the case, people in the league hate him from the bottom of his hooves to the top of his pitchfork. And the great part about this nickname is that it's like "Prince" or "Madonna"...when you mention "Asshole" everybody automatically knows who you're talking about.

2. Crazy Defender Guy: This is the guy who devotes all his time and energy to defense. He doesn't follow the Dwyane Wades or Kobe Bryants of the league; he follows the Raja Bells and the Bruce Bowens. He knows all their dirty tricks, too, from stepping on your foot before the play starts or grabbing your jersey when you try to run off of a pick. He's relentless and never gives up an open shot, and everybody hates playing against him.

3. Hustle Guy: This guy works hard. He may not be any good, but you can always count on him to play defense and dive for loose balls. He's usually more self-aware than most pickup basketball players, so he doesn't make any mistakes. You won't be upset if he's on your team.

4: Midget Guy: This nickname doesn't have to refer to an actual midget, just someone who's at least a foot shorter than everybody else.

5. Tattoo Guy: This is a generic lable that can be used for any guy with a tattoo. However, since tattoos have become increasingly popular -- even among middle-aged white guys -- you might have to add a descriptive modifier. For example, your league might have a "Forearm Tattoo Guy" and an "Upper Back Tattoo Guy."

6. The Girl: Just as Halley's Comet only passes by the Earth every 75 years or so before returning to the mysteries of deep space, a lone female players periodically shows up at my pickup leagues. She might play a session or two before returning to something like volleyball or kickboxing. Of course, if she's reasonably attractive, most guys will go out of their way to learn and remember her name, but in private discussions and game recaps she will still be referred to as "The Girl."

7. Three-Point Shooting Guy: This guy has one specialty: the three-point shot. Chances are, he doesn't have a single meaningful skill beyond that, but, since the three-pointer is worth two points in pickup ball (twice as much as any other shot), Three-point Shooting Guy is considered either dangerous (if he's on the other team) or invaluable (if he's on your team). He has absolutely perfected the art of running around and getting open for the three-pointer, and he'll gun it even if he's five feet or more behind the arc (and he'll usually hit it). Of course, all it takes it a commitment to defense (a rare occurrence in pickup ball) to render this guy ineffective. Once people figure out how to defend him, the Three-point Shooting Guy usually departs to find a league where nobody plays D (and there are plenty of them).

Example Conversation: "So last night I was on a team with Super Mario, Michigan Guy, Hustle Guy, and Backwards Hat Guy. Horrible team. The other team was stacked with Three-point Shooting Guy, Crazy Defender Guy, Fat Shaq, Partial Hand Guy and The Girl. Fortunately, Hustle Guy shut down Three-point Shooting Guy and I was able to shut down Fat Shaq. It was close the whole way, and the game was tied at 20-all when The Girl hit an improbably three-pointer to win the game. Man, I hate playing with Super Mario and Michigan Guy. They suck."

Labels: nicknames, pickup basketball