Air Jordan. Doctor J. Larry Legend. Magic Johnson. Pistol Pete. A good nickname inspires awe and ensures that you'll be enshrined in the Pantheon of Basketball Legends. A bad nickname, on the other hand, is like genital herpes: It's a stain on your life that can never be removed. Here's a list of what I consider to be the worst basketball nicknames of all time.

Big Country: According to Wikipedia, Bryant Reeves was was nicknamed "Big Country" for his size and the fact that he grew up in the very small Oklahoma town of Gans. According to me, he's called "Big Country" because he almost single-handedly ruined basketball in Canada (which is a big country). Just an embarrassing, shapeless, blob of a man. Vancouver will never forgive him.

There's your 6th overall draft pick, folks...
Buffet of Goodness: Channing Frye gave himself this nickname to highlight his all-around skills. In doing so, he committed one of the cardinal sins of nicknaming: You cannot nickname yourself (unless you're Gilbert Arenas). Giving yourself a nickname comes off as cheesy and arrogant, and it usually only catches on in a sarcastic way. Especially when you choose something as retarded as "Buffet of Goodness."

Captain Crunch: Jalen Rose got this nickname when he was leading the 2004-05 Toronto Raptors to a 33-win season. How many games would they have won without his crunch-time heroics? Probably around 27, which is how many they won after he was traded during the 2005-06 season. The name is also synonymous with a cereal that turns to goop in milk and tastes like soggy cardboard. Blech.

Yeah, real cool nickname...
Du: No offense to Chris Duhon, but I wouldn't want a nickname that can be used as a synonym for bodily waste.

Grandmama: Larry Johnson became famous for dressing up as his eldery grandmother to sell Converse products. Think about that for a second: A man dressed in drag, old lady drag, and got called "grandmama" while playing professional basketball. How was that ever considered cool?


Kobe Stopper: Remember Ruben Patterson? Yeah. I didn't think so. And it makes no sense. Look, I hate Kobe Bryant, but even I have to admit there's no such thing as a "Kobe Stopper." You might as well call him "Santa Claus" or "The Leprechaun."

The Black Mamba: Prior to the 2005-06 season, Kobe Bryant decided to give himself a nickname, but he screwed it all to hell. First, he broke the rule that says you can't give yourself a nickname. Second, he chose a name that sounded like a professional wrestling villain. Third, he ripped it off directly from Kill Bill: Volume 2. And fourth, the character he ripped it off from was a woman. And finally, it's a goddamn poisonous snake. Way to enhance your image, Kobe. This nickname has spawned countless jokes, and you'll notice that Kobe has never, ever mentioned it again.

The Mailman: I don't know about you, but every mailman I've ever seen has been a pasty, bloated white guy who never gets out of his truck and won't deliver the mail if there's a car parked within 20 feet of the mailbox. This does not inspire awe.

I, for one, am not impressed.
The Spider: How did John Salley get this nickname? Apparently because he has the proportional sucking ability of a spider.

TP: Tony Parker is so unremarkable, the best the nicknamers could do was string his initials together and create a nickname you can truly wipe your ass with.

He is kinda soft like toilet paper...
Zeke From Cabin Creek: This was Jerry West's nickname before he became known as "Mr. Clutch." It not only has nothing whatsoever to do with basketball, it also reminds me of the hillbilly rapists from Deliverance. And that's not a good thing. Even worse, it's not even technically accurate; West actually grew up in Cheylan, West Virginia.

Creepy.
Fun Nickname Fact #1: Baron Davis holds the world record for most nicknames attributed to a single basketball player. His nicknames include: Baron, BD, B-Diddy, B-Dazzled, Boom Dizzle, Bulletproof, and Too Easy. Seriously, does anybody need seven nicknames?

Fun Nickname Fact #2: Rik Smits stood 7'4" and was known as "The Dunking Dutchman." However, he averaged only 6.1 RPG for his career. There were games -- critical playoff games -- in which he would pull down only one or two rebounds. And he was 7'4". I'm sorry, but how is that even possible?!

Fun Nickname Fact #3: Coach Don Nelson started calling Sarunas Jasikevicius "Jazzy Cabbages" because he couldn't pronounce Sarunas' last name.

Labels: NBA, nicknames