Tony Parker: French model Alexandra Paressant claims she did the nasty désobligeant with TP. This is going to totally shock you, but Parker's denying it: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Here's the funny thing, though: Parker "said" all that in a statement from Longoria's spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. So Parker, a three-time world champion and last season's NBA Finals MVP, has to defend himself through a statement issued by his wife’s spokeswoman? I guess we know who wears the Pretty Pink Princess panties in that family.

Philadelphia 76ers: It's not like we really expect anything out of Philly, but is it too much to ask for the Sixers to protect their homecourt against a team that was 0-9 on the road? Apparently so. Not only did they let the Kings to shoot almost 54 percent against them, they committed 21 turnovers and simply stood by and watched as Mikki Moore and Brad Miller just destroy them (combined 49 points on 19-for-23 shooting, 15 rebounds, and 7 assists).

Milwaukee Bucks: When I heard Ray Allen was going to miss the Bucks/Celtics matchup, I thought that maybe Milwaukee could keep the game competitive. After all, the Celtics' lack of depth is their Achilles' heel, right? Well, I wouldn't call a 22-point blowout competitive, even for a team as bad as the Bucks.

Minnesota Timberwolves: Another winless weekend for the hapless Timberwolves. How bad are they? On Friday, the Sonics scored 11 points in the first quarter, shot 43 percent for the game, and committed 19 turnovers, but they still beat the T-Wolves by 10. In Minnesota. Meanwhile, the city of Minneapolis sheds a collective tear of grief every time the Celtics win.

Jermareo Davidson: The Charlotte forward submitted a three trillion in a blowout loss to the Magic. Yet, amazingly, he had a +/- score of +1, best on his team.

Pau Gasol: Looks like he's going to miss a week of more due to a toe he jammed in practice. Does anybody know the Spanish word for "pussy"? Sans Gasol, the Grizzlies lost their sixth game in a row on Friday night, then miraculously stunned the Magic on Saturday without him.

Eddy Curry: If he wanted to show the Bulls what they were missing without him, he failed most spectacularly: Zero points (0-5), 3 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnover, and 2 fouls in 13 lethargic minutes. Even better -- and by "better" I mean "more humiliating" -- he had not one, but two dunks blocked by the much smaller Andres Nocioni. Then Isiah benched him for the rest of the game. That's what we call the Ego-ectomy Deluxe.

Utah Jazz: They shot 39 percent as a team, missed all 13 of their three-point attempts, and coughed up an 11-point second half lead en route to losing their sixth game in a row to the Blazers, who were missing their leading scorer and rebounder, LaMarcus Aldridge.

Los Angeles Lakers: The media and, especially, Lakers fans spent the week bragging about L.A.'s nine-game winning streak over Golden State, and talking ad nauseam about how Phil Jackson owns the Warriors with his little mind games. Well, where was that vaunted psychological advantage when the Lakers coughed up a 6-point lead with less than three minutes to go in the fourth quarter? Where was Kobe Bryant, the Lakers' deadly "fourth quarter assassin"? (He was shooting 6-for-23 and committing 5 turnovers, that's where.) The refs even tried to give the Lakers a gift in the final minutes by calling a cheesy touch foul on Stephen Jackson (who might have barely brushed against Kobe after the shot was released), and then calling an absolutely ridiculous loose ball foul on Al Harrington (who got run into by Derek Fisher). Of course, we got a little cheater's proof when Bryant and Fisher both missed one of their ensuing freethrows. I'm sure Lakers fans will be quick to mention Kobe's pulled groin, but that happened with about six minutes remaining, and Bryant hadn't been playing (or shooting) any better before that. Face it: The stat curse is always gonna get ya.

Miami Heat: After a 106-103 loss to the Pacers, the Heat slunk to 6-17, and only 2-8 at home. Shaq fouled out with 12 points and 3 rebounds in only 25 minutes of awkward, bumbling action. Dwyane Wade matched his season-high with 8 turnovers (set in last Thursday's loss to the Wizards). How low have Wade's expectations for his team fallen? "Everybody needs to figure out a way they can help with this, doing something 1 percent better. If everybody does something 1 percent better, we'll be a better team." That's right: Wade isn't hoping for a big win streak or a miraculous turnaround; he's hoping for a 1 percent group improvement. Udonis Haslem was the team's best player against Indiana -- 24 points (10-14), 7 rebounds, 3 assists -- but that brought him no joy: "I keep repeating myself: We don't play defense. That's our problem." (Actually, Miami held the Pacers to 44 percent shooting and forced 18 turnovers; they just sucked too much to take advantage of it.) When asked it coach Pat Riley could say anything to help turn the team around, Haslem said: "Nope." Speaking of which...

Pat Riley: What did Riles have to say after his team’s latest defeat? "There's a lot of pain. It's very painful. Sometimes you wonder. I'm not trying to get on a philosophical bent here, but when you're given everything that you've ever wanted in your profession, you wonder why that you feel such pain. You say why, why give me all this and make me feel pain?" Uh...what the hell? Seriously, that insipid rant is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read. Maybe it's just me, but I think that after winning 6 championships (1 as a player, 5 as a coach) and becoming a mega-millionaire, you officially lose all rights to whine like a little bitch unless a loved one is diagnosed with terminal cancer or you get sodomized by hillbillies during a rafting trip through Alabama.

Bobcats versus Hawks: If you tuned into this game, I have only one question for you: Why? The only thing even remotely notable about this game is that Charlotte’s Ryan Hollins and Atlanta’s Shelden Williams both notched a one trillion.

Orlando Magic: Okay, who stole their mojo? The Magic have now lost four of five games, and three of those losses happened at home. And Saturday's loss to the Pau Gasol-less Grizzlies was absurd and embarrassing: The Grizzlies (7-16) marched into the Amway Arena -- yes, the Magic's homecourt is named after the world's most famous pyramid scheme -- and scored 123 points (on 53 percent shooting), including 38 in the decisive fourth quarter. Who lets the Grizzlies drop 38 on them in the fourth quarter at home? Sad. Speaking of sad...

Rashard Lewis: Orlando lost to Memphis because of their lousy defense, so Lewis wouldn't have made much of a difference since he doesn't play any. But he missed the game with a sore neck? I know this has been mentioned once or twice before, but he signed a $126 million contract this summer. You're telling me he can't afford to go out and buy some Ibuprofin? And while he's out, he should probably pick up some Vagisil for his tender vagina.

Darko Milicic: This was supposed to be Darko's breakout season. But after his performance against the Magic -- 4 points (2-5), 3 rebounds, 5 personal fouls, and several inhuman posterizations by Dwight Howard -- the only thing broken is Darko's ego: "My confidence level right now is really low. It's horrible. It's weird. I'm with a team now that needs me, and has given me every opportunity to play. I've got a nice contract, but for some reason I can't even do the things I used to do. I don't know what's wrong with my game." Uh, quick reality check: Darko’s career numbers are 5.1 PPG and 3.5 RPG. So based on that, his numbers this year (7.9 PPG and 6.8 RPG) suggest he’s having the best season of his career. Sadly, his best kind of sucks. Anyway, I don't know how his confidence could possibly be any lower than it was in Detroit, where the coach wouldn't play him and most of his teammates wouldn't even look him in the eye.

Kings versus Wizards: Both teams scored only 12 points in the fourth quarter. That must have been painful to watch, assuming anyone could actually sit through that brickfest. The Wiz won the game, but only because somebody had to; the NBA doesn’t allow ties. Sacramento is now 1-10 on the road, but at least they aren’t winless away from home (thanks to the Sixers).

Cleveland Cavaliers: So much for that "Lebron James for MVP" talk. For now, anyway. Despite the return of their superduperstar, the Cavs went winless for the weekend, against two teams with a combined record of 20-24 no less. Even worse, on Saturday night they lost at home to the 76ers, the same team that the previous night had gifted the Sacramento Kings with their first road win of the season. Said Lebron James: "We're not playing very good basketball. Right now, we're not a very good team." There’s your presumed 2008 MVP, folks!

Larry Hughes: Like James, Hughes returned to the Cavs lineup this week and got everybody excited with a 36-point outburst against the Pacers. He then proceeded to shoot 5-for-24 over the next two games, both Cleveland losses.

Ira Newble: Ira set a new personal record for futility by notching a three trillion against the Sixers.

New Jersey Nets: One night after an impressive win over the Cavaliers, the Nets fell on their face against the Knicks (7-16). Not a single New Jersey player had a psitive +/- score. That's positively craptacular.

Jason Collins: His line for the weekends read thusly: 2 starts, 2 points, 6 rebounds, 5 fouls. He has 28 total points on the season, and he's gone scoreless 16 times. How is this guy still starting? Wait, forget that. How is this guy even still in the league?!

Zach Randolph: He had his third blocked shot of this season against the Nets! Somebody schedule a tickertape parade! Now he's only three blocked shots behind little Freddy Jones.

Phoenix Suns: The Suns' mini-slump continued this weekend when they lost to the Hornets; it was the team's third loss in four games. And rumor has it Steve Nash isn't feeling very healthy these days. Danger Will Robinson: The Suns have road games against the Spurs, Mavericks, and Lakers in the next 10 days.

Matt Bonner: From 25 points and 17 rebounds, to zero points and 3 rebounds, to a DNP-CD. Maybe he should give Britney Spears a call for advice on how to deal with a quick and tragic downward spiral.

Enver (no "D") Nuggets: Are the Nuggets completely helpless on defense? Well, let me put it this way: In back-to-back losses, Fabricio Oberto lit them up for 21 points on 10-for-11 shooting and then they gave up 116 points (on 54 percent shooting) to the Blazers. Hey, wasn't Marcus Camby Defensive Player of the Year last season?

Robert Horry: Ben-Gay Bob just keeps shuffling along. This weekend he scored zero points (0-3) and had 1 personal foul in six minutes of "action." At this point, watching Horry play basketball is like watching my grandfather try to mow the lawn. Not pretty.

Erick Dampier: He had 2 points and 2 rebounds in almost 30 minutes of playing time against the Rockets. Has a man who’s around seven feet tall ever seemed so invisible? I mean, other than Jason Collins.

Tracy McGrady: It wasn't just the paltry statistical output against the Mavericks -- 12 points (5-18), 5 rebounds, 3 assists -- it was also his complete and utter lack of impact on the game. He also had, by far, the worst +/- score (-20) on the team.

Steve Francis: The Franchise made his third start of the season on Saturday and "rewarded" the Rockets with 3 points (1-8) and 5 turnovers in 23 minutes.

Seattle Supersonics: The Sonics proved to be the perfect cure for Utah's six-game losing streak. The Seattle players were shooting like somebody had greased the ball and set their hands on fire: Kevin Durant was 3-for-11, Earl Watson and Chris Wilcox were both 1-for-8, Damien Wilkins was 3-for-8, Jeff Green was 0-for-5, and Luke Ridnour was 3-for-7. The Sonics scored only 13 points in the second quarter, and that wasn't even their worst quarter of the game; they scored 9 points in the fourth.

Matt Harpring: He missed Utah's game against Seattle with what was listed as "gastric distress." I’m sure it's horrible, really, because Harpring’s a pretty tough dude. But still, that just sounds kind of wussy to me.

Baron Davis: He was the Warriors' hero in their win over the Lakers, but he transmogrified into their goat against the Pistons: 2 points (1-8), 2 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 turnovers, and a +/- score of -23. To put it bluntly, Golden State cannot compete when Davis plays like that.

Los Angeles Clippers: Is anyone on this team even trying anymore? Well, aside from Chris Kaman that is? Some teams mail in games, but the Clippers send them via Fed Ex.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Darko, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Miami Heat, Milwaukee Bucks, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pat Riley, Philadelphia 76ers, Tonky Parker, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Weekend