Those of you who have been in a crowded dance club, on a busy commuter train, or involved in an all-out NBA brawl can probably appreciate this truism: Sometimes you want to be groped, and sometimes you just want to be left alone. But how do you get that subtle point across, short of a cruel and punishing nutshot?

Well, wonder no more. Here's the latest in "back the hell off" technology: The No-Contact Jacket!!

"Touch me again and I willflash-fry your ass, douchbag."
The No-Contact Jacket is not only stylish and form-fitting, it also turns you into a street-walking stun gun. Press the switch in either palm and you can blast friends and foes alike with an 80,000-volt electrical pulse. In case you missed that, allow me to repeat: 80,000 freaking volts. Now, personally, I never made it past 3rd grade math, but that sounds like a lot to me.

Believe it or not, all that juice comes from a regular 9-volt battery that's plugged into the jacket lining. Speaking of which, the jacket is fully insulated with a layer of rubber, so you can burn your attacker to a sizzling crisp without jacking yourself up by mistake.

The No-Contact Jacket is the perfect for any NBA season ticket holders on your list. I'm pretty sure the Ron Artests and Stephen Jacksons of the world would think twice about rampaging into the stands if they knew the fans could incinerate them at will.

A few last thoughts. First, the company "would not recommend activating [the jacket] in wet or rainy conditions unless absolutely necessary." Sound advice. Second, and most importantly, if you get this jacket and at some point need to use it against me, I only ask that you say something like "Shocking!" or "Let me light up your life, scumbag!" while doing it. Oh, and please say it in an Austrian accent. That would totally rock.

Labels: Christmas list, self defense