Perverts of the world rejoice! A UK-based grad student named Joe Malia has invented a device that will allow you to post to your sports blog at work or view online porn at the public library. It's the Techno Privacy Scarf!!

Who needs dignity and self-esteemwhen you have porn and privacy?
Want to send a naughty text message on the train? Maybe watch two frisky co-eds make out while sipping coffee at your local Starbucks? Or read last night's NBA capsules over your lunch break? You can do all this and more while both maintaining your privacy and making a fashion statement. Sure, that statement is "I will die alone...so very, very alone" but why should you care? You can watch Internet porn whenever you want. They're called priorities. Look them up.

I showed these pictures to a friend, and he brought up an excellent point: What happens if you sneeze? Which led me to wonder, how the hell do you breath in that thing? Well, it just so happens that the scarf provides zippered flaps for air intake and (presumably) mucas expulsion:

See that little flap? That'll be youronly contact with the outside world.
Mr. Malia really thought of everything. He even included a special speaker in the back of the hood so that you can maintain some form of contact with your friends (if you have any left) and loved ones (assuming they still love you). Of course, that "contact" will be bizarre and dysfunctional, eventually transforming your existence into a shadowy, isolated half-life that will no doubt lead to institutionalization or suicide. I'm so glad we have people like Mr. Malia around to empower you people.

Nothing says "personal" like a speakerin the back of your privacy hood.

Labels: Christmas list, Internet porn, privacy