"Send...more...paramedics."
Pretty freaky, huh? That's the kind of scene that's usually preceded by the bloody guy explaining "I got mugged on the way home from work by some crackheads or something, and one of 'em bit me" followed shortly by somebody else saying/screaming, "Shane? Shane, what's wrong? What...what are you...NO! DON'T! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [fade to black]

Tha man responsible? Sasha Vujacic of course. Shocking.


Note: Bonus bawful points go to the first person who can correctly name the movie I quoted in the caption. AND NO FAIR GOOGLING.

Labels: Sasha Vujacic, Shane Battier, so much blood, zombies

The Golen State Warriors versus the Enver Nuggets: These two D-less teams are in a brutal dogfight for the title of "Worst Defensive Team in the League." The Warriors gave it their best shot by letting the Sacramento Kings score 122 points on 58 percent shooting, but the Nuggets hit first and hardest by giving up 136 points to the Pistons, who shot 60 percent from the field and from beyond the arc. The 1990-91 Denver Nuggets are officially getting nervous.

Marcus Camby: His Defensive Player of the Year award looks more and more ridiculous with every passing game. Rebounding and shot-blocking do not make you the best defensive player in the league. Let me put it this way: If you had to choose one defensive player to save your grandma's life, would you pick Camby or, say, Shane Battier? That's what I thought.

Detroit Pistons equipment manager: Who's that Hamiltion guy who was playing for the Pistons last night? Did they sign him out of the D-League on a 10-day contract or something? Wait, that was NBA All-Star Rip Hamilton? Oh, okay. I thought he looked kinda familiar. (Via Ball Don't Lie.)


Taurean Green: Mr. Green won the Mario West Award for least PT of the night, clocking in at a mighty 18 seconds.

Fun fact: Did you know that Taurean is the son of former NBA player Sidney Green? Well, now you do. Go here to download a Taurean Green widget.

Milwaukee Bucks: Way to choke one up to the worst team in the league, guys. And you get extra points for doing it at home. Said said Bucks coach Larry Krystkowiak: "I don’t feel like guys have turned me off. People are still paying attention, but that’s a rough question to ask a coach." I hate to be the one to break this to you, Larry, but they started tuning you out a while ago.

Pat Riley: Is it just me, or does anybody else think Riley went a little crazy over his team's 12th win of the season? Either that, or he did a line of coke after the game, because insanity and drug use are the only plausible reasons I can come up with for why Riley comparied Jason Williams and Chris Quinn to Hall of Famers Jerry West and Gail Goodrich. And I really don't think he was joking, since basketball scientists have proven that Riley hasn't had a sense of humor since the early 1980s.

The New Jersey trade gang: Sure, Jason Kidd played like crap last night (see below), but that doesn't mean the Nets "won" in the blockbuster trade game. Devin Harris wasn't playing particularly well (4 points, 2-for-6, 3 assists, 3 turnovers, 17 minutes) even before he left the game with an ankle injury. DeSagana Diop (4 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 block) did not inspire awe. And Trenton Hassell was 2 personal fouls and an unlikely assist away from a seven trillion.

Jason Kidd: Last night was the worst game of Kidd's second stint with the Mavericks: 1 point (0-for-3), 3 rebounds, 7 assists. He played so badly that Avery Johnson left him on the bench from 6:27 of the third to 5:51 of the fourth. Doesn't The Little General know you can't leave old guys on the bench that long? They get all stiff and useless. Or in Kidd's case, useless-er.

Dirk Nowitizki's unclutchtasticness: Yes, he brought the Mavs back from a 25-point third quarter deficit, but -- in the final seconds with the game on the line -- he bobbled an inbounds pass and ducked out of the way of an airborne Lamar Odom to put up a wild, off-balance three-point attempt that wasn't even close. Charles Barkley freaked out over this after the game, and with good reason. Because while refs are reluctant to call ticky-tac fouls at the end of close games, once you get your defender into the air, you need to go into him and force the whistle. Most of the time, the refs are going to make that call, even in end-of-game situations, and especially when you're playing at home.

Josh Howard: Okay, it's not all Dirk's fault. Howard threw that inbounds pass way too low for Dirk to get a clean catch. If Howard really considers himself an All-Star-caliber player -- and he does -- then he needs to learn how to put the ball into play when it really matters.

Shane Battier's critics: After the Rockets beat the Lakers on Sunday, some people -- including "NBA historian" Charley Rosen of FOX Sports -- blasted Battier for "face guarding" Kobe Bryant. But what Battier did, which was put a hand in Kobe's face to contest his jump shots, was perfectly legal. And Rosen, who often displays an utter disdain for people who don't know their stuff, should realize that. Kudos to the guys at The Dream Shake for doing their homework. (Via The 10-Man Rotation at Ball Don't Lie.) Update: Don't you just love it when people freak out about something and bombard you with lots of meaningless facts but have no idea what they're talking about? Blogger "Tom7" over at FOX sports -- could there be a Charley Rosen connection?! -- drones on for quite a while about face guarding, noting that it is explicitly outlawed in high school rules, NCAA rules, and FIBA rules. Well...so what? This is the NBA. Tom7 should go check out page 41 of the Official Rules of the National Basketball Association, which clearly states that face guarding (or "eye guarding") is illegal only when guarding the offensive player from behind. They're called books people. Read 'em. On second thought, don't read 'em. Ask me and accept my answer as gospel. That'll work out better for both of us. (Thanks to Basketbawful reader reuben for the link.)

Rockets critics: After the Celtics ended The Streak, I got a flurry of e-mails and a couple texts telling me I was "wrong" about the Rockets. Which is funny because I never said how long The Streak would last nor that it was anything other than a cool, fun, historic run by a tough, scrappy team. And saying the Rockets didn't play well last night doesn't address the fact that Boston's defense was absolutely overwhelming, especially in the second half. With all the talk about the Western Conference playoff race, I think some people have forgotten, or never realized, how scary good the Celtics are this season.

Joel Przybilla: Look, I know it's important to stand up to Shaq and play him physically, but the constant pushing, shoving, and jersey-grabbing was a little much. Of course, the officials have let Shaq's defenders get away with that stuff for years. And, in all fairness, The Big Elbow has gotten away with his fair share of rough play. But now that the refs are starting to blow the whistle when Shaq gets a little too free with his flailing arms, shouldn't they stop letting his defenders wrassle him around so much? And also, isn't it interesting how officiating changes over the course of a player's career?

Update! Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor: Sometimes the best way to draw attention away from your crappy stewardship of the crappy team your crappy GM assembled is to take a cheap shot at your former stuperstar player. That way you're not a bad judge of basketball talent, you're just an idiot. And boy oh boy did Taylor let his stuperosity take center stage when he suggested that Kevin Garnett laid down on the job last season. In responding to a reporter's suggestion that the T-Wolves had tanked last season, Taylor said: "I don't think that. I don't like that so much. I don't like that. It was more like KG tanked it (for missing the final five games of the regular season). I think the other guys still wanted to play. But it sure changed the team and didn't make us (as good)." Now, some people think that experts and fans baby Garnett, and maybe we do...to a degree. But in this case, I'm going to let KG's intensity and work ethic speak for themselves. I mean, Garnett missed only 23 games in 12 seasons as a Timberwolf. Dude straight up brought it.

Kobe Bryant, quote machine: Basketbawful reader Mark submitted the best out-of-context Kobe quote of the week: "We got our hands on balls. We stretched them out offensively and we attacked them." I know this is from a while back, but still very much worth mentioning. Edit: I don't know why I didn't double-check that NBA.com link. Mark point out that Kobe's quote was, in fact, in reference to the Lakers/Mavericks game on Tuesday night.

Labels: Denver Nuggets, Dirk Nowitzki, Golden State Warriors, Jason Kidd, Joel Przybilla, Kobe Bryant, Marcus Camby, Milwaukee Bucks, Pat Riley, Shane Battier

The only way to ease the bitter taste of that Kobe post is to wash my mouth out with a little man love. (And I realize how tragically bad that sounds. Gak.) Today's image is from Basketbawful reader Wesley, who said: "Nothing like some man love in the middle of a legendary winning streak." Note that Scola is eating a plate of fruit, which is strangely appropriate.

Labels: Luis Scola, man love, prom, Shane Battier

"Mud lun yeah?!" Translation: "What the f***?!"

Lenovo Stat is a new plus/minus statistic that compares the point differential when players are both in and out of the game to determine how a team performs with various combinations, thus demonstrating [dramatic drum roll here] "the power of teamwork." According to this new measure, the Houston Rockets featured the most effective five man player combination during the 2006-07 NBA season. The Rockets' line-up of Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Rafer Alston, Shane Battier, and Chuck Hayes led the Lenovo Stat rankings (+269), enjoying a significant lead over the second-best five man unit comprised of Dallas' Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, Josh Howard, Erick Dampier, and Devin Harris (+215). The Phoenix Suns combination of Steve Nash, Shawn Marion, Amare Stoudemire, Raja Bell, and Leandro Barbosa came in a distant third (+165).

Something must be seriously wrong with this statistic, though, because only four of those five Rocket players managed to score in Houston's horrifying 81-67 Game 3 loss to the Utah Jazz. In fact, only four Houston players scored, period. Let me repeat that for dramatic effect: only four Rockets scored in last night's game. Yao Ming (26), Tracy McGrady (24), Shane Battier (11), and Rafer Alston (6) did all the "scoring" while their teammates did all the sucking. Although, maybe that's not a fair statement since only three other Rockets even attempted a shot: Juwan Howard (0-5), Luther Head (0-5), and Chuck Hayes (0-2). No, on second thought, they all sucked about equally. Only the ancient corpse of Dikembe Mutumbo -- who played only five minutes and couldn't score by himself in an empty gym full of 5-foot baskets -- is off the hook.

Overall, the Rockets shot 32 percent from the field and had 19 turnovers. The Rockets' bench went 0-for-10 and didn't score a single point (to go along with six rebounds and zero assists). The team's 67 points were the fewest in Rockets playoff history. And it was the only time in NBA playoff history that a mere four players on one team scored. It was a performance so spectacularly bad, so truly vomit-inducing, that David Stern should retroactively take away one or both of the Rockets' victories in this series. Look, I'm not trying to say that scoring is the only meaningful statistic, but last time I checked, the NBA was still using points to determine who wins and loses.

Now that something this sucktastic has finally happened, is anybody surprised that it was presided over by Jeff Van Gundy, the doleful mastermind of many a joyless "75-71"-type victory while coaching the Knicks in the late 90s? Somehow, despite the fact that it's 2007, despite the fact that David Stern has changed the very rules of the game to increase scoring, Van Gundy still manages to preside over 1990s basketball, which was actually just 1950s basketball in a taller, faster, more muscular package. I know Jeff has won a lot of games that way, but then again, barbarians used to win a lot of battles by chopping off the heads of their enemies and then hanging them from trees to induce a sense of fear and awe. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes the ends don't really justify the means.

"What the f***?! No, really. What the f***??"

Labels: Houston Rockets, Jeff Van Gundy, NBA playoffs, Shane Battier, sucking, Tracy McGrady, Utah Jazz, Yao Ming