In honor of Brad Miller's retirement...here's a random assortment of silly Scrappy Doo photos!!!!

Labels: Brad Miller, retirement, Scrappy Doo

In honor of Francisco Garcia's physioball nightmare, I have updated my original dumb injuries post into an official Hall of Shame post! Because laughing at stupid injuries never gets old.

Update! Did I miss one? Provide a story and citation, and I'll add it to the list!

Amare Stoudemire: On February 18, 2009, STAT suffered a partially detatched retina in his right eye against (of all teams) the Clippers, which caused him to miss the rest of the season. That doesn't sound all that dumb until you consider that fact that Stoudemire injured that same eye earlier in the season and was told he'd probably need to wear goggles for the rest of his career. Only Amare soon stopped wearing the goggles...and, well, you know what happened.

An unnamed Timbersolves fan: On February 26, 2006, during a game against the Memphis Grizzlies, a frustrated Kevin Garnett (then with the Timberwolves) launched a basketball into the Minnesota crowd and pulped an unnamed fan's face in the process. Garnett was ejected (and later fined $5,000) and the fan was wheeled out of the Target Center on a gurney (during which the other fans booed him). According to a friend, the fan missed work the next day. Added that friend, "He is a victim, not a villain. ... He was not mad for a second at [Garnett]. He's mad at anybody who portrayed it that way. ... He's embarrassed about the whole thing. The only thing he's angry with is how the crowd reacted to him." (Thanks to Basketbawful reader Story for the reminder.)

BJ Tyler: According to Wikipedia: "Prior to the 1995-96 NBA season, Tyler was selected by the Toronto Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. According to journalist Chris Young's book Drive, Tyler accidentally fell asleep with a pack of ice on his knee, severely damaging it and thus losing all the speed for which he was famed, and subsequently had to retire." Yeah, right. He just didn't want to play for the Raptors. Vince Carter feels him on that one. [Thanks to siukong for the head's up.]

Brad Miller: The former Boilermaker Miller needed nine stitches in his right index finger after almost chopping it off with a knife while doing dishes last season...on the same day he was named Western Conference Player of the Week for the second time in his career. Said Miller: "It's the last time I help do dishes." Said teammate Mikki Moore: "When I saw him, it was all wrapped up. So, I said, 'You're going to drop 20 and 20 in two games and then go and cut your knuckle off?' I said, 'That's real smart, Brad.' He said, 'Nah, that's my luck.'" [Thanks to Josh from The Garbagetime All-Stars for the reminder.]

Charles Barkley: Sir Charles has never been easy on the eyes...not even his own. Chuck missed the Phoenix Suns' 1994-95 season opener because the first layers of his corneas got burned off by body lotion during an Eric Clapton concert. Apparently, allergies and the dazzling stage lights caused him to rub his eyes, and he got lotion in them.

Phoenix Suns team doctor, Richard Emerson, said: "It was a chemical reaction to a type of lotion that he uses. I wouldn't anticipate it'll reoccur because I don't think he'll use that type again." No kidding.

Note that Barkley was also suffering from a strained lower abdominal wall at the time. Probably from too many hotdogs at the concert.

Conrad McRae: During the 1998-99 season, the Denver Nuggets signed McRae to a 10-day contract. Contrad, who was unaccustomed to the thin air in the high altitude of Denver, fainted while doing some pre-game sprints. He was treated by paramedics and did not play in that night's game for precautionary reasons.

Sad extra: McRae's fainting caused Denver's medical staff to evaluate him further and discovered that he had a heart condition and advised him that he should not play basketball again. He ignored that advice and died in June 2000 during a basketball practice.

Corey Maggette: During the 2001-02 season, Maggette got so upset over a call that he slammed his hand on the scorer's table in frustration and dislocated the ring and little fingers on his right hand. Maggette ended up with a cast and a four-week vacation.

Dajuan Wagner: He missed missed thirty-five games during his rookie year due to what was thought to be a bladder infection. He missed another thirty-eight games during his sophomore season due to an inflamed pancreas and liver. Then, 11 games into his third season, Wagner started suffering stomach cramps and the doctors thought it was just another bladder infection. Turns out it was colitis, and that's what had been causing all his problems. He had the colon removed and missed another seventy-one games. That was pretty much the end of Dajuan's career; he tried to make a comeback, but his team (the Golden State Warriors) simply bought out his contract.

Darko Milicic: Ah, Darko, Darko, Darko. He was put in for what was described as a "token" appearance in the Pistons' Game 5 blowout of the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals (what we here at Basketbawful like to call the human victory cigar). He played 2 minutes, finishing with 1 rebound, 1 steal, 1 turnover...and 1 broken hand. Oh yes he did. The injury required surgury and sidelines him for eight weeks. (Thanks Harpreet.)

Derrick Coleman: Coleman -- whose NBA career was limited and cut short due to laziness, character issues, a giant fat ass, and, of course, injury problems -- got injured again, only this time it happened while filming an episode of the TV show Pros vs. Joes. DC was participating in a rebounding challenge against some "average joe" when he came down from a jump and landed awkwardly, hurting his always-troublesome knee. This means that Coleman has the dubious distinction of being the first Pro to ever get injured during battle with a Joe.

Derrick Rose: The Bulls rookie was forced to miss some practice time because, get ready for it, he cut himself under the elbow on his left forearm. In bed. From a knife he used to slice an apple. Said Rose: "Silly accident this morning. I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there and sat down and sliced my arm. I panicked when it first happened. I called [Bulls trainer Fred Tedeschi]. We got it stitched up about 8 [a.m.]. It was a large wound, but they healed it up. I'm good. I could have practiced, but they told me to wait until [today]. I can still dribble, shoot, do all that stuff. I'm hoping they'll let me play."

Of course, a lot of people are already questioning what "really" happened, since Rose's story sounds too bizarre to be true (kind of like the time I got run over by a horse while riding my bike). But, in my experience, it's the weird stories that totally ARE true. And Rose isn't worried about what other people think. "It's the truth, so I'm not worried about [people not believing him]. I called my mom, and she was like, what are you doing? It was just a freak accident. I was very scared. I'm going to get somebody else to cut [the apple]. I'm not cutting it no more." Ah, to live in a world where, after a freak apple-cutting accident, you can respond not by simply being more careful next time, but by hiring someone to peel apples for you for the rest of your life. Awesome.

Dirk Nowitzki: In December 2001, before a game against the Washington Wizards, The Flying Dutchman sprained a tendon in his ankle when he put his shoe on improperly and the stomped his foot on the floor to make sure it was on right. The injury was so bad he missed the game. He must have been one sour Kraut when that happened. Good thing there weren't any exercise bikes around.

Drew Gooden: In March of 2004, Gooden -- then with the Orlando Magic -- was hospitalized with what was thought to be a spider bite. Turns out it was a MRSA infection resulting from infected hair follicles on his leg. The infection was repeatedly drained and he needed three days of intravenous drug treatment.

I know it's tempting to laugh about this, but MRSA is a dangerous antibiotic-resistant infection that has been dubbed "the Superbug" in England. So if somebody you know gets a leg hair infection, do not laugh at them. Okay, you can laugh a little bit.

Dwyane Wade: I'm not saying the man wasn't hurt -- he was hurt really badly -- but people (like me) are still wondering why he needed to be taken off the court in a wheelchair for a shoulder injury. I guess the leg bone is connected to the arm bone...

Eddy Curry: E-City had to miss a game due to a badly sprained left ankle suffered at...a walk-through at his team's morning shoot-around. Nope. I'm not kidding. Said teammate Malik Rose: "How do you explain something like that?" Good question. A very good question.

Eddy Curry (again): Speaking of good questions, here's another: Can a player suffer a more embarrassing injury than spraining his ankle during a walk-through? Well, the answer is "yes" my friends. From the New York Daily News: "Poor Eddy Curry. He sat on the giant blue physioball during a break from Monday's practice and the ball exploded. Eddy fell and scraped and his wrist but should be okay. The ball, which is used for stretching exercises, was pronounced dead at the scene." This also answers the classic "How do you know when you're too fat?" question. I thought those balls were indestructible.

Francisco Garcia: He broke his arm. While lifting weights. On a physioball. No, really. Said Garcia: "'Just a regular day, lifting weights. I was out there, on the PhysioBall. We've got an understanding that the exercise was good. We'd been doing that, and it exploded on me. I didn't have time to react or anything. It's crazy, man. I keep reflecting in my head. It's crazy."

George McCloud: Prior to Game 3 of the 1992 first round playoff series between the Indiana Pacers and the Boston Celtics, McCloud "held his ankle in a funny way" while talking on the phone. This somehow injured the ankle so badly he couldn't play in the game and had to sit on the bench in street clothes as his team got eliminated. [Thanks to 80s NBA for the reminder; this was actually one of my painful Pacers playoff moments.]

Gilbert Arenas: File this one under "unfortunate pube shaving accidents." Very unfortunate. I'll let Agent Zero tell the tale: "When I was new in the NBA the team veterans convinced me to shave, you know, down there, because they said the hair stinks. I used my girlfriend's razor, which was rusty and gave me keloids. The doctor prescribed medicine to dab on, but I just poured it all over. Three days later I woke up screaming. The skin was burnt off my scrotum, down to my crack, everything -- just raw flesh. I still had to run and play, so I used a numbing spray for a month until it healed. Now I use clippers." I bet he does. [Thanks to The Brazilian Guy for this one.]

Greg Oden: You know that microfracture surgery that ended Oden's rookie season before it had even begun? It happened while he was getting up off the couch.

Greg Ostertag: You know we love Greg Ostertag around these parts, and this is one of the reasons why: The big goof fractured the third metacarpal on his right hand in October of 2004 when he tripped on a footstool while getting out of bed. Mind you, this happened after his first day of practice with his new team, the Sacramento Kings.

Jeff Hornacek: Here's a good one from Marc: "You need to include Jeff Hornacek for tripping over a rake during the break the Jazz had between the 1998 Western Conference Finals and the NBA Finals. He had to get seven stitches. If Horny would have been full strength the Jazz would have won the title. Or so I tell myself every night." Finally a reason for everybody to get off of Karl Malon's case!

Here's the full story: "During the 10-day layoff between the Jazz's sweep of the Lakers in the Western Conference finals and the start of the NBA Finals against the Bulls in 1998, Hornacek tried to stay busy by doing household chores. While maneuvering a heavy ladder over and around the cars parked in his garage, he stepped on a rake, causing him to fall and drop the ladder on his head, opening a large gash. He yelled to his wife, Stacy, who rushed out and found him lying in a pool of blood. 'Blood was everywhere,' she said. 'I thought he was dead.' He was only mostly dead. Seven stitches closed the wound."

Jeff Ruland: After the 1985-86 season, the Philadelphia 76ers decided to flush their future down the toilet by trading the first pick in the NBA draft -- which became Brad Daugherty -- to Cleveland for Roy Hinson. Since that didn't do nearly enough damage, they also sent Moses Malone to Washington in exchange for Ruland. Moses went on to average 24 PPG and 11 RPG for the Bullets, while Ruland played only five games for the Sixers before getting sidelined with a variety of foot and knee injuries.

Ruland was out of action for five years but attempted to return for the 1991-92 season. However, the comeback ended because of...a luggage cart. Yes, a luggage cart, which was (allegedly) rammed into Ruland's leg by a Celtics employee as he waited for a team bus outside Boston Garden. (It should be noted that Ruland was not a popular in Boston, and he was even nicknamed "McNasty" by the Celtics' late great broadcaster Johnny Most.)

Said Ruland: "I got run over by a luggage cart. That's hard to swallow. It can't be accidental, they were moving too fast. Whoever could foresee anything like this happening?"

Jermaine O'Neal: BadDave nicknamed him "The Drain" because of his propensity for getting injured. And it all began back in December of 200, when he got injured...by a sneeze: "Jermaine O'Neal may have an NBA first: Injured while blowing his nose. The pressure on the sinus caused the Indiana Pacers center's right eye to swell last week, leaving him with blurred vision. He played only 10 minutes at Boston on Friday night, then logged 38 minutes in Saturday night's overtime victory over Charlotte despite the limited vision. 'It was an old nose injury plus sinus problems,' O'Neal said. 'When I blew my nose it made a small hole in my sinuses.'" (Thanks to thebigticket.my for the head's up and the link.)

John Starks: Oh my God. I've been laughing about this one for about five minutes. Thank you, Sturla, for bringing this joy back into my life. (Although I'm sure Starks would punch me for it.) Back in 2001, Starks suffered -- wait for it...wait for it -- a twisted testicle! No, I am not making this up. The scientific term for this is testicular torsion, and it happens when the spermatic cord that provides the blood supply to a testicle is twisted, cutting off the blood supply, often causing orchalgia (that is, intense pain in the nutsack). Prolonged testicular torsion will result in the death of the testicle and surrounding tissues. Starks had to undergo a procedure to "open up and untwist the testicle." Ouch.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Over the course of his 162-year NBA career, Kareem broke his hand twice. But that wasn't just the law of averages in operation, folks. Both injuries were cases of extreme dumbosity. From Kareem's Wikipedia page: "While remaining relatively injury-free throughout his NBA career, Abdul-Jabbar twice broke his hand. The first time was during a pre-season game in 1974, when he was bumped hard and got his eye scratched, which angered him enough to punch the basket support stanchion. When he returned, after missing the first 16 games of the season, he started to wear protective goggles. The second time he broke his hand was in the opening game of the 1977-78 season. Two minutes into the game, Abdul-Jabbar punched Milwaukee's Kent Benson in retaliation for an overly aggressive elbow. He was out for two months."

Kendrick Perkins: Boston's big man missed time last season due to a right big toe that was injured when he dropped a bed on it. "I was asleep. I guess whoever put my bed together didn't put it together right when I moved, so one side of my bed fell. My bed was tilted, so I got out of my bed to go push down on the other side. And when I was about getting ready to push down on the other side, the headboard started coming in. So I tried to push the headboard back so it wouldn't fall over. My foot was under the bed and the other side of the bed fell on my foot." Man, I hate it when that happens.

Kevin Johnson: During the mid-90s, KJ won a regular season game on a buzzer-beating shot and received a crippling bear hug from teammate Charles Barkley. And I mean "crippling" in the literal sense. Chuck squeezed Kevin so hard his shoulder was dislocated. (At least Barkley didn't rub any body lotion in KJ's eyes.) Unlike Dwyane Wade, Kevin didn't have to be carted off the court in a wheelchair, but he was out of action for the next two weeks. KJ also had hernia surgery in 1996 after years of abdominal problems that were allegedly brought on by picking up teammate Oliver Miller to celebrate a play.

Kobe Bryant: He hurt his back. Vacuuming. But he says it's because of vacuum size discrimination. Seriously. Watch the video. [Thanks to rich muhlach for this one.]

Larry Bird: In the fall of 1988, Bird was attempting a comeback from dual-Achilles surgery when he permenantly injured in his back. How? He was undercut by Michael Jordan, who then fell on Bird...in the Kenny Rogers Charity Basketball Tournament in Kentucky. According to his second autobiography, Bird Watching: On Playing and Coaching The Game I Love, Bird said: "We were in the final minutes of this charity basketball game when I went up for a rebound and came down a little sideways. Michael Jordan was going for the ball too, and he landed on my back. Right away I knew I was in trouble. I had torn additional portions of the disc wall, and my back was really traumatized. I didn't know it then, all the way back in 1989, but that was the beginning of the end…I never came all the way back." Yet another reason I hate Michael Jordan.

Latrell Sprewell: The man who once choked his coach broke his hand by taking a swing at the boyfriend of a female party guest who threw up on his yacht. But it seems that Spree's punches were roughly as accurate as his jumpers (42 percent lifetime): He whiffed and punched the wall instead. Sprewell tried to cover up the incident, but some of his guests leaked the story and the Knicks fined Spree $250,000 for not reporting the injury. Sprewell, ever the victim, complained about it to the press. "They talk about being a family but they're not sticking with me. The biggest thing to me is that I'm hurt. So don't kick me when I'm down." But...but that's the best time to kick somebody!

Lionel Simmons: The L-Train was an absolutely amazing basketball player. In college. He finished third in all-time NCAA scoring with 3,217 points, trailing only only Pete Maravich and Freeman Williams. He also won both the Naismith College Player of the Year award and the John R. Wooden Award. His NBA career, on the other hand, was barely more than decent. But Lionel's greatest contribution to the pro game was the injury he suffered during the 1990-91 season: He missed two games with wrist tendonitis caused by overtraining on his Nintendo Game Boy. I can only hope he defeated King Koopa and saved the Princess.

Note that, a year later, Derrick McKey missed seven games with the same injury. Uh huh. Mind you, this is the same player for whom I created the term flu-like symptoms, so you'll excuse me if I remain suspicious.

Luc Longley: During the 1996-97 season, the Bulls lost Longley's services for seven weeks after he got hurt body surfing. Yeah. Luc was body-surfing off the coast of Los Angeles coast when an unexpectedly strong wave drove him shoulder-first into the ocean floor and knocked his clavicle and shoulder out of place.

Luc Longley (again): Back in the 1999-00 season, Luc got stung the the scorpion...and I'm not talking about the Spider-man villain: "The runaway winner for injury of the year goes to Phoenix C Luc Longley, who was stung twice by a scorpion while sitting on the floor at his home sorting through his CD collection -- once on the foot, once on the buttocks. 'If I was unable to play,' Longley said, 'I'll be the first player ever to have DNP-ass bite on the box score.'" Oh how I wish that would have happened. (Thanks to goathair of the Blowtorch -- great, great site, btw -- for the stinging reminder.)

Michael Jordan: Yep, even MJ has a place on this list. Although he was already kinda sorta unofficially retired (again), Jordan severed a tendon in his right index finger (i.e., on his shooting hand) while using a cigar cutter in January 1999. Officially listed as a "a laceration of the flexor tendon," Jordan needed surgery to repair it and six weeks of occupational therapy to rehabilitate it.

Monta Ellis: Shortly after inking a six-year, $66 million dollar contract extension, Ellis torpedoed Golden State's 2008-09 season when he tore a ligament in his left ankle and sustained a high-ankle sprain in a "low-speed" mo-ped accident. So not only did he screw his team over, he lost serious Man Points for getting injured not only on a mo-ped...but while driving said mo-ped at low speeds. Oh, the fail.

Moochie Norris: In March of 1999, Moochie -- who was given his nickname by his grandfather, who loved the Cab Calloway song Minnie the Moocher -- asked his team (the Seattle SuperSonics) to put him on the injured list because of insomnia. Apparently, Mooch had suffered from insomnia since his mother had died of cancer in 1989, and he (supposedly) only got about two hours of sleep on most nights. The Sonics weren't fond of that excuse, so a few days later they waived Moochie to make room for John Crotty. Yes, John Crotty.

Mo Williams: Mo missed a game against the Pacers last season with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) I have no idea how you injure this sensitive joint, but surgically cutting it allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. I'm not trying to insinuate that Mo had elective surgery to make his dong longer, but...no, actually, that's kind of what I'm insinuating.

Muggsy Bogues: The tiny, tiny man (who was playing for the Toronto Raptors) missed the second half of a game against the Portland Trailblazers after accidentally sucking in some ointment fumes during a halftime treatment. ("Ointment fumes"...so that's what the kids are calling it these days? I guess I should double-check with Josh Howard.) Said Bogues: "Never happened to me before and I hope it never happens again. That was one of those fluke things you don't even dream about."

Pat Riley: As the NarSARSsist pointed out, back in January of 2007, while his NBA champion Miami Heat were falling apart around him, then-coach Pat Riley had to take an indefinite leave of absence after having surgery on his right knee. The cause? Nobody's quite sure, but he had apparently kicked a locker room door following a loss in Chicago the previous week. While that kick hadn't caused the problem, it certainly exaccerbated it. Allegedly. Riley still never has admitted to kicking that door. Said Riles: "What I do in the locker room really has always been my business." Here's what Alonzo Mourning had to say: "Typical Riles. All the years that he's coached me I've seen him tear a lot of things up." As always, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Pervis Ellison: From Roger Williams: "In his second to last season with the Celtics, Pervis 'Out of Service' Ellison missed the entire season after dropping a table on his toe while helping then teammate Greg Minor (he of SI cover story fame) move to a new apartment." Yep. It happened.

Rex Chapman: Sexy Rexy (who was playing for the Phoenix Suns) missed five games during the 1998-99 season with turf toe. Which is also known as a metatarsalphalangeal joint sprain, in case you're so bored you were actually wondering. I guess that sort of explains why he used to just run from three-point line to three-point line.

Ron Artest: Ron-Ron threw his back out of whack...driving his wife's Mercedes. This is apparently what happens when you stuff an extra-large body into an extra-small space.

Ruben Patterson: This entry harkens back to 2003, during Portland's infamous "Jail Blazer" era. Patterson ended up with a shiny black eye thanks to a five-knuckeled "hello" from teammate Zach Randolph. Patterson, who earlier that season had been arrested on suspicion of domestic assault, was arguing with Qyntel Woods, who himself had been recently cited by Portland police on marijuana possession charges after a traffic stop, when Randolph stepped in and sucker-punched Patterson. While, it should be noted, Patterson was being restrained by teammates. Nice, huh? Patterson then promised not to retaliate...until his probation expired in May (it was April at the time). Good times all around. (Thanks to Dunpizzle.)

Scott Williams: While playing for the Chicago Bulls during the Michael Jordan-less 1993-94 season, Williams had a string of bizarre injuries. First, he missed four days of practice after straining his shoulder at the team's annual bowling outing. A few days later, he hurt his back lifting a TV he bought on sale. Then, later in the season, he injured a tendon behind his right kneecap while stretching, and that was the end of his season. That kind of injury proneness would make even Bill Walton wince.

Slobodan Jankovic: From chris: "This ain't NBA, but it is (no pun intended) mind-numbingly dumb: 'Published: May 1, 1993. A Serbian basketball player was reported to be improving yesterday after spinal surgery to repair a neck injury suffered when he slammed his head into a concrete block in anger at a referee's decision. Doctors at KAT Hospital in Athens said Slobodan Jankovic, a 30-year-old center, may recover use of his arms and legs as a result of the operation late Thursday. Jankovic rammed his head against a cement support of the basket after being called for a fifth foul that put him out of a semifinal game in the Greek championship playoffs on Wednesday night. The blow fractured his neck, damaged Jankovic's spinal cord and left him paralyzed from the waist down.'"

Tony Allen: He blew out his knee -- tearing both the anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and medial collateral ligament (MCL) -- while trying to throw one down after the whistle had blown. That's a direct message from the Basketball Gods, and it can be interpreted as: "Thou shalt not showboat, mortal fool!" Oh, and the worst part (as several people have pointed out)? He blew the dunk. Video below. [You can thank LooseChange and her amazing brain for this one.]


Tracy Murray: Courtesy of Damon: "Don't forget the Tracy Murray / Rod Strickland 'he's gay!' dispute, which led to a Get Shorty-style punch that left Murray with seven stitches. From Sports Illustrated: 'Rod Strickland vs. Tracy Murray, 1997: Murray told a lady friend, who was tape-recording the conversation, that he thought Wizards teammate Strickland was gay. The woman then replayed the words on Strickland's answering machine. Later that day, a few hours before a game in Charlotte, Strickland knocked on his teammate's hotel door. When Murray answered, Strickland landed a haymaker to Murray's left eye. Murray needed seven stitches to close the wound; both players were fined $25,000 by the team. In addition, the girlfriends of both players were reportedly upset by the reports linking their men to the tape-recording woman.'"

Vladimir Radmanović: In February of 2007, Radmanović separated his shoulder falling on a patch of ice in Park City, Utah. Or so he claimed. But a few days later, Radmanović admitted that he had actually hurt himself in a fall while snowboarding. Said the Radman: "The truth is that I hurt myself in a fall while snowboarding. Being young and sometimes immature, I initially panicked and made up a false story about how I hurt myself. However, over the past few days my conscience has been bothering me terribly. I am not a dishonest person and could no longer live with this deception. Therefore, I came forward today and told the truth to the Lakers." Mind you, his contract specifically banned him from taking part in activities that involve significant risk of injury, including skiing and snowboarding. The space cadet was fined $500,000 for his stupidity. [Many thanks to plonden for jogging my memory on this one.]

Labels: Brad Miller, Charles Barkley, Corey Maggette, Darko, Derrick Rose, Dirk Nowitzki, Drew Gooden, Eddy Curry, Monta Ellis, The Official Basketbawful Dumb Injury Hall of Shame

Thanks to Basketbawful reader Anf for today's pic.

Scalpers night off in Atlanta: From Basketbawful reader Vinny Gorgeous: "Hopefully you didn't actually watch Heat-Hawks, but the AP recap was golden. Among the highlights: Mario West, for the first time ever, saw his name leading off a game recap...unfortunately, it was immediately followed by 'blew a dunk' A little more snark: 'Speedy Claxton, a $25 million free-agent bust, actually played for the first time in more than two years. ... Claxton played 7 minutes, missing his only two shots, doling out one assist, and put up an airball on a free throw attempt, drawing groans from fans who still wonder why the Hawks gave him so much money. But he swished the second for his first point of the season, which averages out to $5.7 million per point.' Congratulations, Mr. AP NBA Recap guy; this Bud's for you." Speaking of which...


Speedy Claxton, quote machine: More from the AP recap: "Claxton was the main attraction on this night. He signed a four-year deal in 2006 to be the Hawks' starting point guard, but injuries and poor play made him persona non grata in Atlanta. He had not played since March 3, 2007, when he turned in 15 scoreless minutes against the New York Knicks. 'I was so nervous,' Claxton said. 'After I airballed the first one, I knew I had to make that second one.'"

The Philadelphia 76ers: The Sixers haven't won a game since April 4th, when they qualified for the NBA playoffs. Since then, they've suffered six straight defeats, including losses to the Nets (34-37), Bobcats (35-46) and Raptors (32-49). And last night, they lost to the " Boston Celtics," who were playing sans Kevin Garnett (mysterious never-ending knee injury) and Ray Allen (suspended for delivering that sac shot to Anderson Varejao). Despite logging only 30 minutes and sitting out most of the fourth quarter, Paul Pierce still lit up Philly's defense for 31 points (12-for-16). Truth also drilled seven of his nine three-point attempts. The Celtics leaned heavily on their reserves -- Glen Davis (34 minutes), Eddie House (24 minutes), Stephon Marbury (22 minutes) -- but still shot 52 percent and won the rebounding battle (41-38). Mind you, Boston had nothing to play for...while Philadelphia had plenty on the line.

The loss will almost certainly cost the Sixers the sixth spot in the Eastern Conference Playoffs (unless the Bulls lose at home to the Craptors AND they manage to beat the Crabs in Cleveland), which will force them to face the actual Boston Celtics in the first round. So, you know, uh oh.

Andre Iguodala: An anonymous commenter noted: "Iggy (ego-dala) committed a horribly shameless and blatantly fake flop after missing an ugly looking runner that would've given the Sixers the lead at the end of the game." He sure did. He found the nearest Celtic and just fell over him. Are coaches now teaching "shoot and fall down"?

Samuel Dalembert: Yet another game without an assist for Sammy Selfish. He now has 1 assist in his last 28 games (versus 166 field goal attempts and 40 turnovers).

Joey Crawford: Mr. "DO NOT LAUGH AT ME" Crawford was up to his old tricks last night. Apparently, he has it in for the Celtics. Maybe he hates the color green, or maybe the village he grew up in was destroyed by a hoard of rampaging leprechauns. Who knows? But last night he levied not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five technical fouls against Boston. Joey T'd up Mikki Moore and Doc Rivers in the second quarter, Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins in the third, and then assistant coach Armond Hill in the fourth. The five techs were, indeed, a season-high for the Celtics. Rumor has it he almost called additional technicals on a Gatorade bottle and a wadded up towel at the end of the Boston bench. Dude was so quick with the whistle I started thinking that the government should give him a whistle-activated laser weapon and then force him to fight pirates.

The Utah Jazz: Yet another case of a former NBA Finalist with nothing to play for versus a lower seed with mucho to play for...and guess what happened? Kobe Bryant played only 26 minutes but L.A. still shot nearly 56 percent (and over 61 percent from downtown) to beat the Jazz 125-112. The Lakers are now 16-3 all-time against Utah at Staples Center, where they've beaten the Jazz six times in a row. Did I mention these teams are facing each other in the first round now? Yikes. Said Jerry Sloan: "We didn't give them much of a battle and knowing that we're going to have to play them again, it looks pretty bleak. Hate to say that, but it's one of those things."

Brad Miller, unintentionally dirty quote machine: Miller said: "All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays...Kirk always has been known to get up into somebody's backside." He's actually talking about the physical nature of playoff basketball. As far as you know.

Update! Vinny Del Negro, unintentionally dirty quote machine: AK Dave noticed this Vinny quote from the same article Brad's was in: "It's going to be physical. You have to get used to that. ... You have to go in there and get into bodies." As AK said: "These guys make it sound like playoff basketball is a 10-man angry orgy or something. They should really tone it down, you know. Kids read this stuff!"

Joe Tobjy, sore/evil loser: Here's the description for this YouTube video: "Joe Tobjy was picked to be in the halftime contest of basketball musical chairs. Realizing he was going to lose, he throws his basketball at the kid whos going to win, takes him out and turns what could have been one of the most memorable event in this kid's college life to one of the worst...he also makes him bleed from the fall."


More advanced statistical fail: Chris in Cleveland writes: "I thought you'd enjoy this. Not sure what Don Nelson did to make this happen but evidently it worked." He then provided a recent screen capture of John Hollinger's playoff odds:


So, the Lakers and Jazz are out while the Suns and Warriors are in? I love math!

Lacktion report: Chris reports shocking anti-lacktion development...

Heat-Hawks: Not lacktion, but something else: Mario West scoring a WARIO! From the original "Mario" article -- that term was given for Mr. West actually scoring significant playing time, and he had the most playing time of anyone on court, with a 39:14 stint. Wow. (And that three quarters' worth of non-lacktivity still managed to net him only three points!)

Celtics-Sixers: Despite an assist in 10:09, Theo Ratliff fouled and bricked once each for a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

NASA: As you may or may not know, NASA held an online contest to name a room at the international space station. Thanks to countless writein votes, the name "Colbert" -- as in Stephen Colbert -- beat out NASA's four suggested options (Serenity, Legacy, Earthrise and Venture). But instead of honoring the contest they initiated, NASA wimped out and bypassed "Colbert" for the eighth most popular response submitted by respondents: Tranquility (which is an allusion to the Sea of Tranquility, where Apollo 11 landed on the moon). Lame. NASA did throw Colbert Nation a bone, though, naming a treadmill after their hero. The new COLBERT treadmill stands for "Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill." The resolution is kind of cool, but still pretty balless.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba texted Steve Nash that he had named his master bathroom "NASH"...for "Nicely Accoutered Shit House."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Atlanta Hawks, Brad Miller, Joey Crawford, Miami Heat, Philadelphia 76ers, Real Men of Genius, Samuel Dalembert, sore losers, Worst of the Night

Belated Cheryl Miller, quote machine: 747 commented: "I am really shocked nobody else noticed or mentioned the Cheryl Miller quote Machine. The greatest women's player ever can't say Barack Obama. If anybody caught it during the Celtics-Suns game: "Barama (gets flustered) Obama Barama (gives up on saying it right)." It's even funnier when you listen to it. So...do it.


The Indiana Pacers: After watching them lose (by my count) at least 18 close, winnable games this season, it was almost refreshing to see Indy get blown out 99-81 by the Spurs. It was pretty much what I expected from Jim O'Brien's "Mike D'Antoni-lite" offensive system versus Gregg Popovich's boa constrictor defense. The Pacers, who are currently fifth in the league in scoring at 104.2 PPG, netted 81 against the Spurs on 37 percent shooting. I'd say they are who we thought they were, but the truth is, I have no idea who they are anymore. Memo to Pacers: Who are you??

Still, the Pacers have to feel kind of bad, considering this is the same San Antonio squad that got routed by the Sixers and then barely finished of the Bulls and Bobcats. But the Spurs blasted the Pacers so badly that none of their big guns logged more than 26 minutes. Said Manu Ginobili: "We're not used to games like this. I don't know how many times it's happened this year. But we are very glad that we did have one." Translation: Thanks for sucking so badly against us, our fine Hoosier friends!

Danny Granger, quote machine: "Once the lead got close to 30, it was hard to make a comeback." Sad trombone!

The Chicago Bulls: [Shameless Plug Alert!!] You can read more about their failure at By The Horns, but the gist of it is that they blew a winnable game by turning the ball over 18 times, essentially gifting the Hawks with 22 free points...kinda like those bonus levels in Super Mario Brothers that are full of cold coins and no enemies. Of course, it doesn't help that they have no go-to guy, Derrick Rose can't get a call and Vinny Del Negro can't coach. Oh, and let's not forget...

Tyrus Thomas: His Jekyll and Hyde season continued last night, as T-Time followed up his strong game versus the Knicks (19 points, 10 rebounds) with a flatulent stinkbomb against the Hawks (2-for-7, 1 rebound, 5 fouls in 19 minutes). You know how some players get described as having a basketball IQ that's off the charts? Well, that certainly goes for Tyrus...only it's because no existing chart ranks low enough to measure his bball knowledge. He's like a T-Rex: Great big body, itty-bitty brain. Not nearly as scary, tho'.

Larry Hughes, team-first me-first machine: When Big Shot Larry found out that John Paxson is desperately seeking to dump his ginormous salary for anything anybody'll give him, the worlds most unselfish man -- just ask him! -- had plenty to say about it: "That's fine. I'm ready to play, whether it's here or somewhere else. played for some good coaches and on some good teams, and I've always been out there, so this is new for me. I'm just trying to stay positive. I'm still helping the guys out as far as telling them what I see and what I can help them with. I don't know how to react to it. At the same time, I'm not selfish. ... So I just kind of go along and try to support the guys who are playing, knowing my time is probably coming. It was unfair [because] I only wanted to play to help the team. And I wanted to produce because they're paying me a lot of money. I feel like I've let my team down because I'm not able to produce. That's what it all boils down to. I don't want to be looked at as a guy who's just earning a check and not producing. I just expressed that and, I thought, not in a negative way. But people can take it how they want to take it."

The Sacramento Kings: Okay, is anybody surprised they got slaughtered by 19 in Denver? Show of hands? Anybody? Yeah. Didn't think so. Not that I expect any better, but their defense was, well, it made me shudder like somebody had slipped me a ham sandwich filled with spiders. Like, those creepy daddy longleg types. They let the Nuggets shoot 56 percent for the game and make Linas Kleiza (27 points on 11-for-17 shooting) look like the second coming of Carmelo Anthony. Said Kings inmate Bobby Jackson: "Looked like lay-up drills for them. It was lay-up drill central, just like it has been all year." Now that there's a happy player!

Added Kings interim head coach Kenny Natt: "A bad, bad night for us, to say the least. We lost our focus and we gave up a lot of easy baskets, transition points. They got a lot of layups. We didn't defend hard and they took advantage of every opportunity that was there." It might be time to put Bobby and Kenny on NBA suicide watch. You know, along with every member of the Los Angeles Clippers.

Update! An anonymous commenter made the following observation: "Now I know you already mentioned the Kings in your WotN. And I also realize that +/- is not always the most reliable stat, but I still think this requires mentioning. When your +/- for 5 players on your team reads as follows: -22, -6, -23, -25, -22 and those are your starters, i.e. hypothetically your best players, you are an exceptionally bad team." SAD FACE for Sacramento.

Brad Miller: I keep seeing this guy's name surface in trade talk. And last night's line -- 2 points (0-for-4), 3 rebounds and 4 fouls -- just made me think: "WHY, GOD?! WHY?!" Gene Keady does NOT approve, Brad.

Carlos Boozer: Paul Milsap's line: 28 points (12-for-20, 4-for-4 from the line), 15 rebounds (9 of which were offensive), 3 assists, 2 steals and only 1 fouls in almost 42 minutes. I'm just sayin' go ahead and opt out, suckah.

Lacktion report: Chris continues to whisper sweet, sweet lacktivity in our ears:

Hawks-Bulls: So apparently the Hawks have been paying attention the lacktion report, as the suggestion for more playing time for THE Mario West was answered. Thankfully, Mario's performance tonight suggests he pays attention too -- as when given the choice between actually earning more playing time through productivity, or ensuring a place in another insomnia-curing writeup, he decided on maintaining his familiar spot here. Against Chicago, Mr. West nearly took down a 7 trillion, only to turn it into +1 in 7:12 via a foul. That type of on-court snoozing will undoubtedly bolster his case to be the starting guard for the Eastern Conference All-Lacktion squad. [Also, as one anonymous commenter pointed out: "You forgot to mention that Mario had a plus-minus score of -17 in his 7 minutes. Now that's lacktion!" ~Basketbawful]

Kings-Nuggets: Suckramento's Mikki Moore fouled three times and tossed a brick for +4 in an unproductive 8:36. On the other hand, Sonny Weems sadly denied his Nuggets a scoreline of fail, demoralizing lacktion enthusiasts with a steal that marred a near-six minutes of non-scoring (five missed shots, twice from downtown), a rejection, plus a foul.

Kobe Bryant: Mamba slipped a whole package of lunch meat under Luke Walton's covers. He also used his toilet without flushing. And I'm talking number two.

Labels: Brad Miller, Carlos Boozer, Cheryl Miller, Chicago Bulls, Danny Granger, fan submissions, Indiana Pacers, lacktion report, Larry Hughes, Sacramento Kings, Tyrus Thomas, Worst of the Night

Note of apology: I misplaced Wild Yams' submission regarding Smush Parker and wrote my own entry about it. Mine has been replaced by his. Sorry, Yams.

There were way too many Worsties from the recently deceased NBA season to fit them all into one post, unless you happen to enjoy blog articles that are 20 pages long. So I'm going to break this baby up into multiple posts over the course of the week. Here's the first one. It runs from the preseason through November only, so never fear: Those of you who made contributions will be recognized in due time.

Gilbert Arenas and his (cracked) crystal ball: Back in October, Agent Zero made the following bold prediction on his blog: "On November 2nd, we're going to go into [TD Banknorth Garden], we're opening up Boston. Right now I'm telling the Boston fans: You guys are going to lose. It's not going to be a victory for Boston. You might as well just cheer for me, because Boston isn't winning in Boston for the season opener. I'm sorry." A few days and several thousand "He has got to be kidding" newspaper articles and blog posts later, Gil amended his prediction somewhat. But not really. "I mean, when you look at that Celtics team, that's a powerful team...on paper. Once those guys get going, you're in trouble. You can’t guard that team...on paper. You still have to play the games.... But November 2 for them, that’s going to be truh-bull. Trouble."

It was trouble, all right. For the Wizards. The Celtics thumped them 108-83. Washington shot 35 percent and committed 20 turnovers (to only 11 assists). They were "led" by Gilbert's 5-for-19 shooting and 4 turnovers. After the game, Agent Zero was unusually quiet: "They have a great squad. You can see that they have what it takes." Too bad (for him) that he couldn't have seen that a little earlier.

Ben Wallace finally gets his way: After spending most of the 2006-07 season proving he couldn't play worth a damn without a headband, Wallace forced convinced Bulls coach Scott Skiles to change his "zero tolerance" policy for headbands to a "one tolerance" policy. Surprisingly enough, that did not affect the cadaver-like quality of Big Ben's play.

Brad Miller's hair adventures: After dropping 25 pounds of soggy fat during the offseason, Brad Beefcake decided to spruce up his image a little bit. During training camp, he unveiled a suave, parted-down-the-center haircut with sweeping bangs and a striking, come-hither gaze that caused the virginity of several thousand Sacramento teens to spontaneously combust. But he wasn't done there. Oh dear Gods no. He soon unleashed upon the world a beautifully cornrowed cocunut that set a new Gold Standard for white boys trying to look like black men.


Josh Howard punks Brad Miller: Speaking of Brad the Bad, during a preseason game between Sacramento and Dallas, he and the tiny Devin Harris got tangled up. The shoving match between the seven-foot center and the wee little guard ended pretty much the way you'd expect: With Miller knocking Harris to the floor like a bop bag. The situation escalated when Harris' teammate, Josh Howard, ran the length of the floor and dropped an atomic forearm onto the back of Miller's head. It was another incident in the fad of one player cheapshotting another player from behind, as popularized by Carmelo Anthony. According to Howard: "I was protecting my teammate -- that's about as simple as you can put it. It was a dirty play, and it wasn't even Devin [who was at fault]." Note that the Nazis at YouTube have taken down the video of this event. If anyone has it or can find it, please send it on. Edit! Here's the video. Thanks, foolioami!

The word out of Dallas was that this wasn't the first time Miller had taken a shot at Harris. Harris claimed that it had happened three other times, and that he was even knocked out of a game one of those times. Personally, I think Harris is a bit of a drama queen. I saw the video, and Harris put a little extra mustard on his fall. Also, things had calmed down right after Howard's sneak attack, but Harris still decided to take an extra shot at the dazed Miller after said sneak attack.

Isiah Thomas' grasp on reality continues to weaken: Remember how Isiah was "looking forward" to taking the stand to debunk the "pretty wildly fabricated" sexual harassment allegations levied against him? Er, that didn't work out quite the way he planned. On October 2, 2007, the jury returned a verdict finding Thomas and Madison Square Garden liable for sexual harassment. The jury also levied $11.6 million in punitive damages against MSG. But despite being found exceedingly guilty in a court of law, Isiah was not the least bit humble or repentent: "I'm innocent, very innocent, and I did not do the things she has accused me in this courtroom of doing. I'm extremely disappointed that the jury did not see the facts in this case. I will appeal this, and I remain confident in the man that I am and what I stand for and the family that I have." Uh, yeah, how's that appeal going for you, Isiah?

LeBron gives Cleveland the middle finger: Those looking for evidence that King James is going to bolt for New York at the first possible opportunity need look no further than last October, when Bron Bron was seen in Cleveland rooting for the New York Yankees, and thus against the hometown Indians. Lebron was even wearing a Yankees hat, and fans started jeering him and chanting "Take of the cap!" One fan even screamed "Go to New York, then" (another fan heard that and said "No, no, please don't"). Naturally, the blogosphere went bonkers, calling James things like "traitor" and "betrayer." The thing is, Lebron's allegience had never been in question; he's a lifelong Yankees fan. But it sure would be easier to root for them if he was wearing a New York Knicks or Brooklyn Nets uniform, wouldn't it?

Bulls fans quickly turn on their team: Lofty preseason expectations of reaching the NBA Finals turned to rage and hatred only two games into the season as, during what would become a loss to the Philadelphia 76ers in the Bulls' home opener, Chicago fans started chanting for Kobe Bryant. (At the time, there were, of course, rumors that Kobe wanted to be traded to the Bulls. Oh, how times change.)


Phil Jackson psyches out Mike D'Antoni: It was only the second game of the season, but Suns coach Mike D'Antoni nearly popped a blood vessel after the Zen Master called a timeout immediately after a mandatory Phoenix timeout with 4:45 to play and the Lakers leading 111-81. D'Antoni and Jackson, uhm, "exchanged words."


Said D'Antoni: "You mean the eight minutes he took over there to explain maybe one play that he probably didn't run? Yeah, I was pretty upset. I thought he disrespected our players. But he likes to play mind games, and that's fine. He might want to try to do it in playoff time when we bust them every year. We have them three more times. That's fine." And, for the record, the Suns lost two of those three games and flopped in the first round of the playoffs while the Lakers were cruising to the Finals. I'm not saying that Mike's manic, hyper-sensitive nature is why he couldn't coach the Suns to a title...actually, no, that's exactly what I'm saying.

The Big Tamed Tiger: Things looked pretty bleak for the Miami Heat as they looked to start the season without injured superstar Dwyane Wade. But the Big Braggadocio made some pretty bold promises during the preseason. Specifically, he said he was going to return to his old dominating ways until Wade returned. "As a tamed tiger now, you always go back to what you know, a la Siegfried and Roy. I've been tame the last couple years, but here’s a chance for me to go wild again." Unfortunately for Pat Riley and the Heat, "going wild" meant 14 points and 7 rebounds per game before quitting on his team going down with a hip injury that mysteriously and immediately healed after he was traded to the Phoenix Suns.

Most Volatile Player: Paul Pierce is now, finally and officially, a part of Celtics lore, thanks to an NBA championship and a Finals MVP award. But there was a time, early in the season, when The Truth almost picked a fight with a young fan outside a Toronto night club.

Isiah versus Starbury: Stephon Marbury bailed on the Knicks right before a big road game against the Suns, supposedly because Isiah Thomas was going to yank him from the starting lineup in favor of second-year gaurd Mardy Collins. Starbury blew up on the team plane and reportedly said, "Isiah has to start me. I've got so much (bleep) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (bleep) me. But I'll (bleep) him first. You have no idea what I know." Thomas of course shed absolutely no light on the subject by saying, "That is an in-house matter and we will continue to keep it in-house. Make no mistake about it -- we do want him as a member of this basketball team. He is welcomed back." In the midst of all this dysfunction, the Knicks lost to the Suns 113-102 despite the fact that Steve Nash scored a season-low 5 points on 2-6 shooting.

Phil Jackson thinks "gay" means "funny": I assumed that after whole "Tim Hardaway hates gay people" controversy, somebody as intelligent as Phil Jackson would know better than to make a gay joke during a postgame press conference. Well, I was wrong. After a mid-November loss to the San Antonio Spurs, Jackson said: "We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts. It was one of those games." The NBA didn't find the joke funny and reprimanded Jackson, who responded with the following incredibly sincere apology. Note that the Zen Master apparently doesn't understand the meaning of alliteration.


Ha, ha, ha...I hate us: Midway through the first month of the season, Jason Kidd was already opening hating his team to the press. That's the kind of situation that rarely ends well, and sure enough, it didn't. But more on that in an upcoming installment.

The Mavericks continue to struggle with bowel ball movement: I "broke" the story about the Mavs' passing woes, and while it didn't seem like that big of a deal at the time, it had the kind of ominous overtones that suggested the team might, at some point, make a panic trade to address the situation. But more on that in an upcoming installment.

Mike Dunleavy Jr. invokes the name of God: On November 27, 2007, the Pacers got a huge road victory last night, winning 112-110 in Denver. But the officials almost stole the game from them by awarding J.R. Smith three freethrows for swinging out his leg and kicking Mike Dunleavy Jr. on a last-second, desperation shot. That awful call gave Smith a chance to tie the game, but the Nuggets were doomed by a little thing we like to call cheater's proof: Smith hit the first two freethrows, then missed the last one. Said Dunleavy: "What was going through my mind was, 'I'm a Christian, I go to church and God may not be a Pacer fan, but he gives us fairness and he was going to come through. The basketball never lies. I knew he was going to miss one of those, but it should have never got to that point." I hate it when athletes go all God-crazy, especially in this came. I mean, we can all agree that God hates the Pacers, right?

Carmelo Anthony chokes a bitch: 'Melo got ejected with 6:18 remaning in what would become a 127-99 loss to the Lakers for giving Sasha Vujacic a chop block to the throat away from the ball. Anthony claimed it wasn't intentional (but it was) and that Vujacic drew attention to the foul by flopping (which he did, laughably so). Said Vujacic: "I think I've got to give him a DVD of European soccer. Then he can really see flops. I think it was frustration on his part. He's one of the best players in the league. But we did an amazing job on defense against him by double-teaming him -- and that's why he tried to choke me. I was surprised that he grabbed me with his hand." Ha, ha, yeah, you go ahead and try to give Carmelo a soccer DVD and you'll probably get choked again, Sasha. Or at the very least he'll bitchslap you from behind and then run away. Anyway, here's the video:


The Miami Cold, Part I: Minus D-Wade and with Shaq playing like an apathetic senior citizen, the Heat finish November with a 4-11 record in what will, incredibly, be their best month of the friggin' season. Pat Riley not only thought he could do better than most of his players, he said it out loud. To the press. "I guarantee you I should suit up. I'd play better than some of them right now. I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can't see, I'll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad." Making matters even worse, the Riley and the Heat had to deal with a ridiculous off-court distraction...

Smush's Parking Disaster: After self-combusting last year on the Lakers (prompting Phil Jackson to remove him from the starting lineup 80 games into the season), he was given a new shot at an NBA career in Miami this season... until he physically attacked a female valet over a disputed $12 parking fee. This essentially ended his season with the Heat (the league's worst team), and after a couple month hiatus from playing he was eventually sent to NBA Hell for what probably marks the end of his career. [Submitted and written by Wild Yams.]

Labels: Brad Miller, Chicago Bulls, Isiah Thomas, Lebron James, NBA Worsties

Basketbawful reader Jesse provided a nice little follow-up to the Duncan face post. The following video proves that the Duncan face is, in fact, a contagious disease...and all the Spurs have it. Hmm. It might be time to quarantine the greater San Antonio area before this thing spreads.


And just to prove I'm a good sport -- and an equal-opportunity cynic -- here are a few Duncan face copycats:

1. The "Gah! A giant spider is eating Shaq!" face. Because that foul was pretty freaking blatant, and now I have to watch a mutant insect crush Shaq in its enormous mandibles. [Also from Jesse.]


2. The "Don't you know who I am?!" face. Because I'm LeBron James, bitch! [From Shrugz.]


3. The "Du verdammter Arschficker! Ich bin ein Berliner!" face. Because I really am a jelly doughnut, complete with a thin, doughy outside and a thick, gooey inside. [From anne.]


The rest of these are from The Spurs Report:

4. The Sheed face. Because he was doing it long before Duncan was. And that's Guaran-sheed.


5. The "I've grown a second, evil head!" face. Because oh my God, IT'S ALIVE!! (And it looks just like Kevin Garnett. Huh. That's pretty weird.)


6. The "Ray-Ray don't play that!" face. Because he really doesn't play that. Never. Not even once.


7. The "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong Marine!" face. Because Popovich can be kinda scary.

Labels: Brad Miller, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, funny faces, Gregg Popovich, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan

Grizzlies owner Michael Heisley has basically blamed the Pau Gasol giveaway on the Chicago Bulls. The beef is that cheapskate GM John Paxson refused to make a highball offer on Pau to help inflate his value. The Nets had a similar problem when they dealt Jason Collins.

Timberwolves insiders are concerned that Kevin Garnett may no-show his coming appearance on Friday. In the meantime, Kevin incarnate Al Jefferson drops 29 and 15 over the last 5 games but still gets the Fake Shemp treatment.

Ron Artest made an underhanded trade request by insisting that the Kings are better without him. This is in no way related to Brad Miller being mortally wounded by a sink full of dirty dishes.

The fine folks at RedsArmy.com believe that Ben Wallace would have been a better fit for the Lakers than Pau Gasol. While watching LA spend $15 million a year for a backup to Ronny Turiaf would have pleased me to no end, the cost of that is seeing Kwame Brown in a Bulls jersey. Ugh.

Jamario Moon's YouTube video has officially gotten people stoked for the Slam Dunk Contest. We'll ignore the fact that his practice rim seems suspiciously low. Remember the Jordan Jammer?

Labels: Ben Wallace, Brad Miller, Chicago Bulls, dunks, Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves, Pau Gasol, Ron Artest

Answer me this: Was anybody really surprised when Brad Miller punked Devin Harris the other night? Miller may have a pretty face, but he also has a history of setting teeth-rattling picks and committing bone-jarring fouls. But he's a Big White Center. That's what Big White Centers do. It's been standard procedure since the days when "Jungle" Jim Loscutoff was roaming the hardwood.

What actually was surprising was Josh Howard's reaction, namely sprinting 80 feet downcourt and delivering a flying elbow the the back of Miller's beautifully cornrowed coconut.


Howard claims he was just protecting his teammate from a dirty play. I guess his mother never taught him that two wrongs don't make a right, since blindsiding somebody with a sucker punch to the head is about as dirty as it gets. And you know what? He wasn't "protecting" anybody from anything. It's not like Miller had Harris in a choke hold or anything. There's a difference between protection and revenge.

The word out of Dallas is that this isn't the first time Miller has taken a shot at Harris. Harris claims that it's happened three other times, and that he was even knocked out of a game one of those times. Personally, I think Harris is a bit of a drama queen. Watch the video closely and you'll notice that he puts a little extra mustard on his fall. You'll also notice that things had calmed down right before Howard's sneak attack, but Harris still decided to take an extra shot at the dazed Miller after said sneak attack.

This is nothing new for Miller, though. Back on January 12, 2002, Shaq responded to a hard foul* by taking a clumsy swing at Brad Miller's head. The only reason Brad's still among the living is that Shaq missed, although I understand the gust of wind generated by Shaq's arm was equal to a Category 3 hurricane and actually killed three people in the crowd. Like Howard, Shaq took his cheap shot while Miller's back was turned. What's up with that?

*The foul was actually committed by Charles Oakley, who also hit Miller in the face on the same play. That's the reason Miller was stumbling away from Shaq, which helped him to avoid Shaq's clubbing blow. I'm not sure whether Shaq new who had actually fouled him, but I'm guessing that, if he had known, he wouldn't have taken a swipe at Oak.

The video is great. Shaq tries to hit Miller, Miller retreats in abject fear, Shaq lumbers around like a rampaging bear, Ron Artest and Charles Oakley jump on Shaq's back, and Miller somehow ends up shirtless. Best of all, Chicago's hometown announcers Johnny "Red" Kerr and Wayne Larrivee call the action. The funniest line belonged to Larrivee: "Shaq is violent!"


One last note: Brad Miller has been in two relatively serious confrontations during his career. Ron Artest was his teammate both times. Coincidence? Maybe Artest just brings The Crazy with him?

Labels: Brad Miller, Chicago Bulls, Dallas Mavericks, Devin Harris, fights, Josh Howard, Sacramento Kings, Shaq

If you looked up "mondo hunky stud" in the dictionary right now, you'd find this picture of Bradley Alan Miller:

Not only did this seven-foot heap of certified beefsteak lose 25 pounds over the summer, he also unveiled a suave, parted-down-the-center haircut with sweeping bangs and a striking, come-hither gaze that could retroactively take your virginity away (so be warned).

Brad Miller Fun Facts: Here's some fun trivia from Brad's Wikipedia entry:

Brad's mother's name is Rosie and his father's name is Maurice.

Brad has three uncles who played college basketball: Jim Heitz University of Oklahoma, Mike Heitz West Virginia University, and Tom Heitz University of Kentucky.

He has a Black Dodge truck with an Indiana license plate.

Brad has a love for the outdoors.

In his spare time, he enjoys hunting, fishing, and ATV riding.

He is also an avid bowhunter; turkey, bear, and deer tags are in his wallet.

Brad looked like this in college:

Labels: Brad Miller, Sacramento Kings, trivia

Just when we thought the whole "White Men Can't Jump" deal was finally about to blow over.

Labels: Brad Miller, dunks, White Men