Huh?
The Phoenix Los Suns: They shot an ugly 42.4% from the field, including a sub-par 6-16 from JRich, a not so STATy 6-15, A big Yugo from our Yugo 0-5, a McLaction Supreme 0-3 from our "does it really matter which Collins?" center, and a 1-5 from energy guy Lou including 4783652 blown layups. A quick trip to Basketball-Reference shows that in the postseason, the Suns are 8-32 when putting up this kind of performance since 1991, and with further filtering, 3-12 against the Spurs with a brickfest like that.

Even Steve Nash couldn't get things going, dishing out only 6 assists. Nash is only 10-21 in playoff games when limited like that!

The Phoenix Los Suns: They allowed the Spurs to open with a 30-point quarter and were held 35% shooting at the half, while the Spurs shot 51% themselves. Tony Parker led the Texan bench with 20/3/7 on 8-14 shooting, Tim Duncan delivered his classic fundamentals, 29/10 with 2 blocks, and Padface flopped to a double-double of his own (11/11ast). Even Richard Jefferson gave Nyets fans a flashback of what could have been, submitting an 18/10 on 8-13 shooting with 2 blocks of his own.

What in the hell were you doing, Suns? Too busy kicking up political statements and leading The Rev around the city? Well of course, this all led to a gigantic Suns los-...

...

......

Alright, you guys got me, I can't keep that going anymore.

The San Antonio Spurs: You mean to tell me, after all that, the Spurs still ended up losing 110-102?

The San Antonio Spurs: Hey, you know that saying, that benches win home games and stars win away games, or whatever? Or maybe the Spurs decided to deny any pre-existing home/away splits data, as Channing Frye went 5-6 from downtown, with J-Rich going 3-6 himself, and Dudley contributed 11 points.

Wait, you're defending me? What has happened to my life...
The San Antonio Spurs: But let's not forget those plucky starters. Even Amar''''''e managed to wrangle 7 defensive rebounds, following Game 1's stunning performance of 9. Uh, hint for those not paying attention, in the six-game series against Portland, STAT managed to collect 14 TOTAL defensive rebounds. For reference, Nash collected 12 in that series.

Overall, The Los Forgot Our Protest Uniforms At Home surrendered 18 offensive rebounds! To the Suns! While Tim Duncan gathered 6, the rest of the Spurs only got 1! The Sols's aggression continued, attacking the basket early and often, ending with 37 FTAs. (Why, of course I looked it up! 13-6 in the post season!)

The San Antonio Spurs: A stunning textbook example of how to defend the pick and rol-...

The answer is Yes: I could watch this all day.
The San Antonio Spurs: Things got a little sourpuss when Pops started (hilariously) getting facetious with question responses, regarding the urgency of winning Game 3. Geez oh whiz! The questioning continued below, (right around 1:06), when Pops gives us a stunning revelation: The Spurs are, infact, grown men:

Could embedding from NBA.com suck any harder?
The San Antonio Spurs: An officials change? At the start of the 4th quarter? You guys call that in or something? And you STILL couldn't get it done?

Nah, I jest, of course. I can't actually blame the Spurs for this move, since the replaced official WASN'T Joe Crawford. (For our more sensitive readers who demand minimal journalistic integrity, it was Ron Garretson who left with an Achilles tendon injury)

FUNDAMENTALS.
The San Antionio Spurs: Looking back at the two games in this series, it feels like some sort of Bizzaro Land. These felt like games that San Antonio had locked as wins, or would have in 2003, 2005, 2007, and 2008. What more can the Spurs do? Game 1 should have been the Suns blowing multiple leads, but instead it was like the Suns toying with a cat with a string. Game 2 just looked awful, but the Suns gutted out a win.

Congratulations, Spurs, you are officially a Shrodinger's Playoff Team. Sure the series can still goto 6 or 7, given Manu dropping a classic with 35 and Frye dropping some away game stink bombs. Throw in some shady officiating to take the crowd out of it in Game 5 and the Spurs are right back in this thing. But seeing things look like they're going your way, only to walk away with the loss, boy do I know that feeling.

Charles Barkley: It's too late. You're in too deep. We're gonna get this done. This has to happen. This will happen. You can't back out. Somehow, we have to have Ernie tase you on live television. You may have gotten out of it tonight, but with a few more games, no logistics too great can stand in our way.

-AnacondaHL

Labels: Gregg Popovich, Los Suns, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Night

I thought you peeps would get a kick out of these magical press conference moments from the 2009 NBA Playoffs. Highlights include Gregg Popovich asking if he's getting punked, Ron Artest being Ron Artest and a topless Birdman.

Labels: Chris "The Birdman" Andersen, Gregg Popovich, NBA playoffs, press conferences, Ron Artest

If you're going to rip off Sam-I-Am's "big balls" dance,you'd better make damn sure you win the game...
The Philadelphia 76ers: The NBA schedule is, by and large, a cruel and tempestuous mistress (much like Khloe Kardashian), but every once in a while, it provides an unexpected gift. The Sixers got one last night: A home court matchup with the Kevin Garnett-less Celtics for the chance to hop back over the .500 mark. It was a golden opportunity versus a severely weakened conference rival...so of course the Sixers wasted it.

Philly's scrambling defense forced its fair share of turnovers (21 for 30 points), but their hands were apparently too busy swiping at the ball to get in anybody's face (Boston shot just a shade under 54 percent for the game). And the Sixers -- the supposed running team in this contest -- finished with fewer fast break points (12) than the Celtics (15). Ray Allen was 5-for-7 in the fourth quarter, including a three-pointer that tied the game at 97 with 37 seconds left and another that won the game with 0.5 ticks to go...despite suffering from flu-like symptoms!

And on that last play, the Sixers committed one of the classic blunders, the first of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: When you're up by two and your opponent has the final shot, no matter what, DO NOT GIVE UP THE THREE. Even pickup ballers know this. Philadelphia was so concerned about Paul Pierce's penetration that they collapsed into the paint and lost Allen. How could they let Ray freaking Allen, one of the best three-point marksmen in league history, slip behind the arc unattended for a wide-open shot? If they were going to do that, why bother playing defense at all?

Andre Iguodala: Sam Cassell invented was the first NBA player to steal the "I have big balls" dance from Major League II (apparently). That's common knowledge. The fact that other NBA players are copying it -- even Kobe Bryant! -- is just silly. Look, I know it's super cool and everything, but it's Sam's thing. Mr. T has defined awesome for two generations of men, but do you see dudes walking around with two metric tons worth of gold chains wrapped around their necks? No. Because it's a signature T-ism. Well, that and no other human neck could support the crushing weight. But my point is: Don't do it. It's embarrassing and, potentially, a stat curse. Know what happened after Kobe did it? The Lakers lost on an improbable shot in the closing seconds. And after Iggy did it? Same thing.


The moral of this story: Only Sam Cassell gets to do the "I have big balls" dance.

Doc Rivers, inexplicable quote machine: Regarding Kevin Garnett: "He smells things 75 percent of the league can't." We finally know the secret to KG's success...super olfactory senses!

The Toronto Craptors: It's not even that they can't win, it's that they can't even keep their games competitive. After two straight double-digit home losses (to the Bucks and Magic), the Craptors got blown out in the first quarter (37-15) and only got back into the game because the Crabs fell asleep in the third quarter. They woke up in the fourth, though, and won going away, 101-83. Toronto shot 39 percent as a team, 8 percent from downtown (1-for-12), and their starting guards (Jose Calderon and Anthony Parker) combined to hit only 2 of their 16 field goal attempts). I really don't get this team. They have too much talent to be this bad-to-mediocre. Speaking of their talent...

Chris Bosh: He shot 11-for-19 and finished with 29 points, but he grabbed only 3 rebounds -- the same as Calderon and one fewer than Anthony Parker. And he had a fourth-quarter dunk attempt blocked by King Crab himself. Note that Bosh went up one-handed...which caused my inner Hubie Brown to mutter "That's why we tell big men to throw it down with two hands. YOU HAVE TO FORCE THE DEFENDER TO FOUL YOU." Video:


Said Crabs coach Mike Brown: "That caught me off guard. When he came from the weak side and got that block, I was floored. I didn't think there was any way whatsoever that any human being could come from the weak side and contest a shot the way he did. Wow! Wow! Wow!" Really? No human being? I guess Mike never got to watch Hakeem Olajuwon or David Robinson play ball...

The Iniana Pacers: The "D" continues to elude the Pacers in the alphabet soup of their season. Despite a so-so game from Al Jefferson's (12 points on 13 shots) and another DNP-CD for Rashad "I'm a poet but you didn't know it" McCants, the Timberwolves dropped 116 points on the Pacers' home court, outscoring them 38-29 in the fourth to steal the game. In addition to their typical defenselessness, Indy was mortally wounded by two critical free throw misses by T.J. Ford down the stretch. And he entered the game hitting 89 percent of his foul shots. Said Ford: "I definitely let the team down. I had an opportunity more than once to tie the game or take the lead. I just wasn't able to come through in the clutch for my team. I have to sleep on that one tonight." As a Pacers fan, I kind of hope it feels like sleeping on a bed of broken glass and rusty barbed wire. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

By the way, I'm starting to get the feeling that I was wrong about Kevin Love. That dude's pretty darn good, as it turns out. His game has really blossomed under Kevin McHale, who apparently is worlds better as a coach than a GM.

The Milwaukee Bucks M.A.S.H. Unit: No Michael Redd. No Andrew Bogut. Vince Carter's fifth career triple-double (15 points, 12 assists and 10 rebounds). A huge double-double from rookie Brook Lopez (22 points, 12 boards). Near perfect marksmanship for Ryan Anderson (7-for-10 for his 19 points). Misdirected shooting from the field (36 percent) and the line (10 misses). Just a big fat fail in virtually every direction.

Scott Skiles, backhanded compliment machine: Regarding his team's failure to hold off the double-rookie onslaught of Lopez and Anderson: "Brook Lopez was obviously very hard for us to handle and Ryan Anderson's offense was a lot of the time behind the three-point line. Nothing against Anderson, but I never thought I would say we got manhandled by him." Nobody expects that, Scott. Or a Spanish Inquisition, for that matter.

Lawrence Frank, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "The thing that was hurting us was their penetration at times."

Vince Carter, "I know who he is" machine: Regarding the return of former Nets teammate Richard Jefferson (who scored 27 points): "R.J. was being R.J."

Joakim Noah: [Gratuitous Plug Alert!] You can get full coverage of the Bulls-Rockets game at By The Horns, but I have to tell you: After seeing him get abused by Al Jefferson and Yao Ming on this road trip, I'm officially nicknaming Noah "The Prop." I mean, it's not his fault he's being forced to defend guys he obviously can't handle. He's trying. He really is. But that doesn't change the fact that he's failing.

The Bulls' interior defense / foul shooting: When guys like Anderson Varejao and Zaza Pachulia keep ending up with season highs against a team, well, you know that team has a problem protecting the paint. Such is the case with these Bulls, who gave up 28 points to Yao Ming (who was limited to 30 minutes due to first-half foul trouble) and a career-high-matching 18 rebounds to Luis Scola. Not to mention 3 backbreaking offensive boards to Carl Landry in the fourth quarter. Plus, Yao's numbers don't tell the story about how his mere presence dominated the game. Vinny Del Negro had no answer, except maybe to duck and cover. Also: The Bulls bonked 11 free throws.

Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas: Knee-Mac walked past Deng and then almost gave Thomas a Spaulding tattoo. Sick.


Personally, I blame Deng. Why the hell was he playing Knee-Mac so closely? Give him space, make him shoot it. That's just bad defense, and it got his teammate in the poster.

Gregg Popovich: WHAAAAA...?! Manu Ginobili sat out with a bruised hip, So Pops decided to give Duncan and Parker the night off too? And I'm not talking about "at the hotel getting treatment" or "back in San Antonio chilling out." They were there! On the bench! Watching!


Look, I get it. Popovich likes to keep his horses rested and healthy. They're on an extended road trip and they'd gone to overtime against the Warriors the previous night. But man, what a crazy random happenstance.

The Denver Nuggets: Facing the Spurs B-Team, which MIGHT finish in the middle of the pack in the NBA's Developmental League, the Nuggets promptly sunk to the occasion and nearly lost the game. The "Spurs" pulled to 98-94 with two minutes left (via a Roger Mason triple), but Carmelo hit a free throw and a jump shot to turn back San Antonio's rally.

Not surprisingly, George Karl was pissed. He called his team "selfish" and accused them of playing down to their competition. "We were fortunate. We still have a tendency in messing around with the game. It's kind of come back in the last couple of weeks. We've still won most of the games but we should have attacked this game with a professional attitude and an intensity, and probably should have gotten the game over by the fourth quarter." He also said: "I do realize in the NBA it is a trait of good teams winning playing bad. Going on a road trip after this performance scares the hell out of me." It should.

Lacktion report: Basketbawful's interpid lacktion beat report Chris once again took some time 0ut to provide our triple-pump of lacktivity.

Raptors-Cavs: Both Nathan Jawai and Jake Voskuhl sat for the Craptors, so in the midst of yet another blowout victory, the responsibility for the evening's non-production solely lay on the Crabs. Darnell Jackson's experience at swimming in the still waters of stasis paid off with a 3.26 trillion, while the newest crustacean, Trey Johnson (previously in Bakersfield's D-League squad), baked a brick for a suck differential of +1 in 2:09. Surprisingly, in 14:10, Anderson Varejao racked up a slight Voskuhl of 6:5 via five fouls and a turnover against three rebounds and one field goal.

Bucks-Nets: The Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit apparently recommends sedentary behavior on the hardwood to reduce the chance of injury, which also reduces the likelihood of the contagious condition known as "winning." Joe Alexander needs a cash register next to his bench spot after striking it rich with a full 9.15 trillion! Damon Jones gave himself a slightly smaller gift of 1.8 trillion. Meanwhile, New Jersey's Chris Douglas-Roberts has started to emerge as a late possibility for the All-Lacktion team, tossing a brick and fouling once for +2 in 6:54 of lacktivity.

Bulls-Rockets: Joakim Noah started off slowly and stayed asleep for a full 17:33 at the Toyota Center, giving the Bulls a devestating Voskuhl of 7:3 by fouling out and handing the rock to his opponents twice, against one made shot and one rebound. He was especially burned by Yao Ming, who drew two quick fouls on him in the opening frame (forcing Vinny Del Negro to switch him out with Aaron Gray). Yao then punished Noah harder midway in the fourth quarter by both dunking on him and drawing yet another foul for the chance at an ultimately successful charity stripe shot -- a sequence which proved to be great at killing off Chicago's momentum up to that moment, when the Bulls had made it a five-point game!

Christian Bale: You know, I've always dug on Bale. He was Patrick Bateman in American Psycho (one of my all-time favorite movies). And he's Batman! But that four-minute tantrum -- during which he dropped 36 F-bombs -- was ridiculous and embarrassing. Glad to see he's your typical Hollywood prima donna. Oh, wait, it was because he's a method actor? Riiiight. I would have believed that after maybe a minute, minute-and-a-half's worth of F-bombery. Oh well. At least one good thing came out of this: The Bale Out dance mix! Decidedly NSFW.


The Michael Phelps brouhaha: What?! Olympic champion Michael Phelps smoked pot! IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD. Or not. I can't believe the backlash Phelps is getting for this. Particularly since we live in a country whose medical community has recognized marijuana's therapeutic benefits. Hell, Boston has decriminalized possession of small amounts of it! But that's our hypocritical nation. Prostitution is harshly prosecuted all over the place -- I recently read about a sting operation in a Chicago suburb -- but it's legal in certain areas of Nevada and (believe it or not) Rhode Island. Seriously. So smoking pot is wrong unless it's okay. You can't pay someone for sex unless you're someplace where you can.

And then guys like Michael Phelps get demonized for doing something that probably everyone else his age has either already done or considered doing. And now nobody will look at him the same way, and it gives the media a chance to bring up that DUI he had when he was 19. Uh oh! He has a history! What a monster!

Look, Phelps is a dork, and maybe even a bit of a douche. But can you blame him? He's young, he rules his sport with an iron swim cap. He toked. So what? Really. So what?

Kobe Bryant: Mamba filled Luke Walton's locker with gay porn and then, after most of the Lakers had shown up but before Walton had noticed, Kobe loudly drew everybody's attention to it: "Hey everybody, look at that stuff in Luke's locker! I guess we know now why he styles his hair that way..."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Chris Bosh, Christian Bale, Gregg Popovich, Michael Phelps, Philadelphia 76ers, Toronto Raptors

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting...
Note: Thanks to Matt E. for the pic.

The Sixers' defense: Ruh roh, Raggy. As a team, Philly must have suffered damage to the part of the brain that tells the hand to get in the face of open shooters. (I think it's the parietal lobe, right?) The Raptors nearly started a wildfire with their three-point sniping (almost 63 percent from downtown) and they also got a number of uncontested buckets at the rim. Said Elton Brand: "It's disappointing. There's (game) tape in the background and I see these layups they got. It hurts." It might hurt a little less, Elton, if you contributed some blocked shots, Elton. Speaking of which...

Elton Brand: He had 14 points and 13 rebounds, but it took him 14 shots and six free throw attempts to get those points. He also turned the ball over 4 times without registering an assist. He suffered more blocked shots (1) than he doled out (0), and he committed 4 fouls. Quite the debut.

Theo Ratliff: Damn you, Theo. You just had to block a shot and ruin your four trillion, didn't you?

Philly fans: They were excited about the World Series. I get that. But I'm guessing the Sixers weren't exactly inspired by the fact that half of their arena was empty and the half that wasn't was rooting loudly for a baseball team. It would be like if the midget I pay to cheer me on during sex was raving about his favorite NASCAR driver or something.

Andrea Bargnani: Mr. Former Number One Draft Pick scored zero points (0-for-4) in almost 20 minutes. But at least he didn't commit any turnovers!

Update! Toronto's first quarter rebounding: From Basketbawful reader Colin: "Although I'm a Raptors fan, they have to be on there for WotN. From Doug Smith's Toronto Raptors in-game blog: 'We're just told by Media Relations czar Jim LaBumbard that the 22 rebounds that Toronto gave up in the first quarter equal the most given up in any quarter ever. So, we've seen history! Lucky us.' 22 rebounds? In the first quarter? Double-you-tee-eff?" Good thing they dealt for "big man" Jermaine O'Neal, huh?

Royal Ivey: He's on Philly's active roster, but he was ineligible to play last night (and Friday against the Knicks). Why, you ask? Because dude is still serving the three game suspension he received for punching Aaron Gray in the groin last season. Maybe you remember it...


Foul shooting in the Hawks-Magic game: Ugh. Atlanta missed 13 and Orlando missed 10. But, in all fairness to the Magic, Dwight Howard accounted for 7 of their misses. Speaking of which...

Dwight Howard: I could easily rag on Hedo (5-for-17) or Rashard (5-for-12, 6 fouls), but Superman not only missed all those 'throws, he also committed 4 turnovers and had his junk stuffed four times. Oh, and he almost fouled out. Kinda takes the shine off that 22 and 15, doesn't it?

J.J. Redick: Last week, I read an exited article about how J.J. was finally ready to break into Stan Van's rotation and actually contribute. Well, uhm, didn't happen last night: 2 points, 0-for-4 shooting, 1 rebound, zero assists, and 1 turnover in nearly 19 minutes of lack-tion. Don't worry, J.J. They saved your spot on the bench for you.

Mario West: He finally got some significant PT! For him, anyway. A whole two minutes and 48 seconds. Sadly, the only thing he managed to do was block a shot. He did have a +/- score of +8, though, which means he was more productive than Al Horford. Yay for Mario!

Mike Woodson, quote machine: "When you're on the road you have to come out and try to establish yourself and not get hit in the mouth."

Caron Butler and Antawn Jamison: Caron shto 3-for-11 and committed 4 turnovers, while Jamison shot 6-for-18 and grabbed only 3 rebounds...two fewer than the Nets' Devin Harris. I should also mention that Antawn was 1-for-8 from downtown. Dude, at some point you've gotta stop shooting them, feel me?

The Miami Heat: Oooooo. They got seduced into playing Mike D'Antoni's style, and they paid for it. Six Knicks dropped double-figures on them, and Chris Duhon was 1 point short of making it seven. The two teams combined to attempt almost 200 shots and nearly 50 freethrows. It's like D'Antoni's mere presence creates a giant No-Defense bubble that can only be punctured by the Spurs.

The Associated Press: Basketbawful reader barry drew my attention to this gem from the Heat-Knicks writeup: "And [the Knicks] did it without former coach Isiah Thomas' two prized acquisitions, Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry. D'Antoni kept both former starters on the bench, ignoring rather loud chants of 'We want Steph! We want Steph!' late in the third quarter." I might frame that paragraph and put it up in my bathroom.

Stephon Marbury, quote machine: "He should do whatever he feels he should do. I can't control what he does. He's the coach. If this is what it is, I mean there's always next year." Yeah, because what exactly is going to change between now and then? I seriously doubt somebody's going to hire Isiah to GM again.

Eddy Curry: It seems Baby Shaq was a little upset about his benching. Seems Curry spent the fourth quarter in the training room icing a sore right knee. How do you hurt your knee on the bench? I guess he must have been sitting in an uncomfortable position. "I want to stay here. I'm happy in New York. I just think it'll take some work, but I'm happy staying," said Eddy through what I'm assuming were gritted teeth. (Also, apparently Eddy hurt his knee in a "collision during practice." Which might become my new catch-all euphemism for when a player gets benched for arguing with his coach.

Kwame Brown: Mr. I Was Also Picked Number One Overall In The Draft played just a shade over three minutes in his Pistons debut, scoring zero points on 0-for-2 shooting and grabbing no rebounds. I think we should tattoo FAIL on his left butt cheek. We should also do that to Michael Jordan for drafting this stiff.

Kevin Love: Huhn...12 points, 9 rebounds, 2 assists, a steal, 2 blocked shots, and by far the hightest +/- score on the team (+20). All in only 18 minutes! Not bad, rook. So why is he in Worst of the Night? Because if Love keeps playing like this, he's going to win Rookie of the Year and cost us a season's worth of Kevin McHale jokes.

Randy Wittman, quote machine: "Kevin Love played great for his first game as a rookie." Thanks, coach. Couldn't have figured that out without you.

Shaq: Remember how The Big Grumpy got all persnickety a couple weeks ago about Gregg Popovich's decision to Hack-A-Shaq him during last year's first round Suns-Spurs series? Well, Pops gave Diesel a little dose of it only seconds into last night's game. Note the look of complete and utter confusion on Shaq's face. It's like somebody asked him to spell thromboembolism or something. As for Popovich? Best thumbs up ever.


I should point out, though, that Pops did use the Hack-A-Shaq for real later in the game. But when Ime Udoka went to foul the Daddy, Shaq used his left arm to send Ime to the floor...just like swatting a fly.

Update! Shaq, quote machine: As noted, San Antonio went to the Hack-A-Shaq, for the final 97 seconds of the first half. But Shaq somewhat defied the strategy by going 5-for-8, after which he said: "You may win a game or two using a mathematical strategy, but in the long run it will never work." Right. And "a game or two" would never effect the outcome of a playoff series, would it, Shaq? Thanks to andrei for supplying the quotage.

O.J. Mayo: He helped make Kevin McHale look like a genius by scoring 10 points on 20 shots and notching more TOs (3) than assists (2). He was also 0-for-7 from Threeland and had the second-worst +/- score on his team (-15).

Quinton Ross: From Basketbawful reader Zimmerman: "Just wanted to ensure that Quintin Ross gets due credit for registering an 8 trillion and thereby matching the rest of the Grizzlies squad for 3 pointers made." Consider the credit given. Amusingly enough, Ross still had a butter +/- score (+2) than any of the Memphis starters. As for that three-point marksmanship...

The Grizzlies' three-point shooting: A gak-inducing 0-for-13. Where's Antoine Walker when you need him?!

People getting too excited about the Rockets: Look, people. They scored an 11-point home win over a truly dreadful Memphis squad. Yet I swear somebody on ESPN declared the "Ron Artest experiment" a "total success" last night. Oooookay, if you say so...

The whole Grizzlies-Rockets game: Zimmerman correctly dubbed this game a "festival of fail" and even Artest said "It was ugly." Both teams shot in the 30s: Memphis hit 38 percent (31-for-81) of their shots while Houston hit only 36 percent (28-for-76) of theirs. Both teams also registered more turnovers than assists: The Griz were 11/16 and the Rockets were 10/12. It was one of those slow-it-down, slog-it-out affairs that made me wonder if Houston had reinstated Jeff Van Gundy as the coach.

The Denver Nuggets: The Jazz were forced to start Ronnie Price in place of the injured Deron Williams, and Price spit in Jerry Sloan's face by shooting 1-for-9. Note also that the Jazz had only 4 assists in the first quarter, and none of them were dished out by a guard. Thanks, Ronnie. But the Nuggets couldn't take advantage of Utah's vulnerability. Most likely because of...

Carmelo Anthony: 'Melo couldn't play because he was serving the first of a two-game suspension from a DUI arrest over the summer. Wag of the finger, Carmelo. Wag of the finger.

Juwan Howard: Yes! He's still alive and playing for the Nuggets! Technically speaking, anyway. He spent seven minutes on the court last night and managed 1 lonely rebound and was zero-for-everything-else. But, you know, there's no way to measure what he gave the team in Veteran Leadership (TM).

Los Angeles Clippers: GOD. They were spanked so badly by the Lakers last night -- 117-79 -- that I think we should seriously consider moving them out of L.A. How does "The Gerber-Las Flores Clippers" sound to you? I think it has quite the nice ring to it. And I know what you're thinking, Baron, and the answer is: Nope, you cannot go back to the Warriors. Sorry, no takebacks.

Ricky Davis: He had more assists (6) than shot attempts (5). So I guess it's time to go check his basement for Body Snatcher pods...who's with me? Anyone? Bueller?

Update! Baron Davis, team leader: From Basketbawful reader Wild Yams: "This is probably WOTN-worthy as well: After the 38-point loss to the Lakers last night, the LA Times is reporting that Baron Davis held a closed door players only meeting with the rest of the Clippers. Has that ever happened following a team's home opener before? It's a bit early in the year to go to that isn't it?" Indeed it is. Even Baron seemed a little embarrassed about it afterward. From the same article: "I mean, no, it was kind of a get-together," Davis said, fumbling out the words. "It wasn't really like no team meeting, nothing special like that. It was just an understanding that that's a winning team over there." Uh huh.

Update! Baron Davis, quote machine: "All of the credit goes to them for smacking us upside the head that first game,. In the end, we're going to be able to look back at this game and thank the Lakers for this." YES SIR! MAY I HAVE ANOTHER, SIR!

Kobe Bryant: My sources tell me that the Dark Lord has completed construction of his very own Imperial Death Star. After successfully testing it last night against the hapless Clippers, Kobe was quoted as saying: "Fear will keep the other divisions in line. Fear of this battle station. And of my new nickname: The Doberman! Rarf! Rrrrrrarf!!"

Scot Pollard: This is a day late, but hey, Scot. You're a real class act. I hope Kevin Garnett kicked your ass for this.

Yes, Scot. We all know you're number one at sucking.
Update! Scot Pollard, interviewee: More from Wild Yams: "Does anyone have the video of the Scott Pollard 'interview' from the Celtics-Cavs game the other day? I say 'interview' because it was essentially a TNT sideline reporter sitting next to him and talking about his championship ring for maybe 30 seconds or so, and then right as Pollard started to say something they cut the interview off and went back to the game. You could practically feel the sideline reporter shooting him a 'shut up and just show off the ring, dummy' look." You're absolutely right. And here's the video. (What the hell is up with Craig's finger nail?!)


Adam Morrison: Ugh. More horrifying pictures of Adam Morrison have surfaced. Here he is in the middle of his Britney Spears moment. More on this cut-tastrophe at Bobcats Baseline.

Labels: Gregg Popovich, Royal Ivey, Shaq, thumbs up, Worst of the Night

Well, the NBA finally got it right. Unfortunately, they got it right about a day and one crippling loss too late for the San Antonio Spurs.

NBA spokesman Tim Frank has officially admitted what my eyes and huge, throbbing brains had already told me: Derek Fisher fouled Brent Barry. And it should have been called. Said Frank: "With the benefit of instant replay, it appears a foul call should have been made."

Of course, this statement followed a totally contradictory assertion by league spokesman Brian McIntyre, who had previously claimed that referees Joey Crawford, Joe Forte and Mark Wunderlich may have been following a league guideline in failing to make a call. "There is an explanation in the rule book that there are times during games when the degree of certainty necessary to determine a foul involving physical contact is higher. That comes during impact time when the intensity has risen, especially at the end of a game. In other words, if you're going to call something then, be certain."

Riiiiight. Because Fisher jumping into the air and landing on Barry is something that's really hard for a crack officiating crew to be "certain" of. As they said over at College Humor: "Fisher's hip slammed Barry in the ear. How is that not a foul? (Interesting fact: Fisher's hip is like a seashell; if you put your ear to it, you can hear the sound of Jazz fans booing.)" And Spurs coach Gregg Popovich smells something brown and stinky.

"It's a very strange thing. If you talk to an official, the official will tell you that the game is called at the end of the game exactly like it is during the meat of the game. That's their story and they're going to stand by it. In reality, personally, I don't think that's true and I can give a thousand examples that things are called differently down the stretch where I think most referees feel -- and I agree with them -- that things need to be more definitive before you're going to make a call. A referee is going to be hesitant to make a call that could decide a game at the end unless it's really either gross or obvious. So, that's why I said, if I was an official, I would not have called that a foul at the end of the game."

Thanks for staying classy, Gregg. So, anyway, it appears that although they Spurs will probably get knocked out of the playoffs tonight because of that now officially incorrect no-call, they at least get the moral victory from knowing they got jobbed. Too bad there's no such thing as the Moral NBA Finals.

Labels: Brent Barry, Derek Fisher, Gregg Popovich, league-wide issues, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA playoffs, San Antonio Spurs

Basketbawful reader ari responded to today's Spurs-Lakers love post with the following comment: "You missed one crucial man love incident, but I couldn't find a picture for you. Duncan was close to getting a technical for arguing, and Pop came over and grabbed him by the front of his shorts, right on his junk, and pulled him away. If you could find this picture...oh man. Or maybe somebody recorded the game and could get a still shot? I think it happened in the 2nd quarter."

I knew exactly what ari was talking about, and I'd been looking for a picture -- with no luck -- all day. Then reader Trev stepped up to the plate and got me the money shot. Note that Timmy looks totally mesmerized. Could grabbing his junk be the secret to stopping him? Only Popovich knows for sure...


Trev also found a bigger, clearer picture of the incident on SpursTalk.com.

Labels: genitals, Gregg Popovich, man love, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan

Basketbawful reader Jesse provided a nice little follow-up to the Duncan face post. The following video proves that the Duncan face is, in fact, a contagious disease...and all the Spurs have it. Hmm. It might be time to quarantine the greater San Antonio area before this thing spreads.


And just to prove I'm a good sport -- and an equal-opportunity cynic -- here are a few Duncan face copycats:

1. The "Gah! A giant spider is eating Shaq!" face. Because that foul was pretty freaking blatant, and now I have to watch a mutant insect crush Shaq in its enormous mandibles. [Also from Jesse.]


2. The "Don't you know who I am?!" face. Because I'm LeBron James, bitch! [From Shrugz.]


3. The "Du verdammter Arschficker! Ich bin ein Berliner!" face. Because I really am a jelly doughnut, complete with a thin, doughy outside and a thick, gooey inside. [From anne.]


The rest of these are from The Spurs Report:

4. The Sheed face. Because he was doing it long before Duncan was. And that's Guaran-sheed.


5. The "I've grown a second, evil head!" face. Because oh my God, IT'S ALIVE!! (And it looks just like Kevin Garnett. Huh. That's pretty weird.)


6. The "Ray-Ray don't play that!" face. Because he really doesn't play that. Never. Not even once.


7. The "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong Marine!" face. Because Popovich can be kinda scary.

Labels: Brad Miller, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, funny faces, Gregg Popovich, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan

Kobe Bryant took a page out of Tracy McGrady's book and is using his injured pinky to avoid playing in the All Star Game. That sound you hear is Magic Johnson shaking his head in pity. After all, he played in the All Star Game while terminally ill.

Gregg Popovich is still salty and bitter over the Pau Gasol freebie. Popob*tch says there should be a trade committee that could squash blatantly lopsided trades. I wonder what this committee would have said about the Spurs trading Luis Scola for Sylar from Heroes. Minus the ability to cut open skulls with his mind.

Who would've guessed that referee Bob Delaney was a complete badass?

David Stern shot down Dwight Howard's proposal to raise the rim to 12-feet for this weekend's Slam Dunk Contest. Still no word on Big Head Mode or whether three consecutive buckets will cause a player to burst into flames.

Stephon Marbury will miss the rest of the season with season-ending ankle surgery. The Knicks are 15 and 37. I wouldn't say he'll be missing it, Bob.

Latrell Sprewell is flat broke. I guess he really did have a family to feed.

A commercial for WNBA Live 2008. It's as awesome as it sounds.

Labels: dunks, Dwight Howard, gratuitous video game references, Gregg Popovich, Kobe Bryant, Latrell Sprewell, referees, Stephon Marbury, WNBA

Jamaal Tinsley: The Pacers were without their starting point guard for what seems like the bajillionth time over the last few years. In this instance, the problem was a sore knee. Which, strangely enough, is what's been keeping Jermaine O'Neal in street clothes. That's how not durable Tinsley and O'Neal have become; they can actually catch injuries from each other like they're passing a bad head cold back and forth. I think it's about time to change this guy's name from Tinsley to Paper Machesly.

Marquis Daniels: In the absence of Tinsley, the Pacers really needed Daniels to step up his game. What they got instead was a Larry Hughes-like 1-for7 shooting performance. But what can the Pacers reasonably expect out of this guy? I mean, they got him in a trade for Austin Croshere. That should tell you all you need to know about Daniels' relative worth.

Awvee Storey: The undrafted guard out of Arizona state got off the Bucks' bench for a grand total of four seconds, going zero-for-everything. What, did Larry Krystkowiak put him in by mistake or something?

Miami Heat: From "15 strong" to "15 in a row." Losses, that is. Painful, humiliating losses. The Heat actually played their asses off last night -- Mark Blount scored 23 points! -- but suffered yet another fourth quarter collapse, letting what had been a 10-point lead transmogrify into a 1-point final deficit. The Spurs, as they're known to do, started turning the screws in the final stanza, limiting Miami to 8 points over the final eight minutes and 50 seconds. Are the Heat just plain cursed? Well, let's put it this way: Early in the first half, Udonis Haslem and Dorell Wright accidentally knocked a defensive rebound into the basket, thereby scoring two points for the Spurs. And the Heat lost by one. You do the math. Said Haslem: "Once again, we just didn't get the job done." And once again, you sucked.

Manu Ginobili's three-point shooting: Somebody needs to check Ginobili's basement for dead bodies, because the man has no conscience. One night after shooting 2-for-7 from the land of glory, Manu hit only 1-for-7 from beyond the arc against the Heat. At some point, when you're obviously cold, you stop taking them, right? When asked why he's allowed to chuck 'em at will, Gregg Popovich no doubt said: "Because he's Manu Ginobili." Speaking of Pop...

Gregg Popovich interviews: Before the start of the second quarter, Craig Sager -- who was dressed like the friggin' Joker -- interviewed Popovich. After abusing Sager's bizarre purple sports coat/tie combination, Popovich answered a question about why he decided to start a "big" lineup with a classic Popovichism: "Just wanted to try something different." I'm telling you, his face doesn't even move when he answers these questions. His mouth just opens and closes like an old Speed Racer cartoon. Can we be absolutely certain that the Spurs don't have a special robot they use solely for interviews? Like maybe a Teddy Ruxpin doll in a Gregg Popovich mask?

Don Nelson: The inventor of the infamous Hack-a-Shaq strategy unveiled a new policy especially for last night's game against New Jersey: Hack-a-Boone. The Warriors intentionally fouled the Nets' Josh Boone six times in less than two minutes of the third quarter in an attempt to change the game's momentum. But Boone, who came into the game shooting 34 percent at the stripe, hit six of 12 freethrows. So the tactic backfired, sort of.

Josh Boone: Did I mention the kid came into the game hitting only 34 percent of this freethrows? Look, the Hack-a-Whoever strategy might be sad and pathetic, but it wouldn't happen if the "Whoever" didn't suck at the line. The dude even airballed a freethrow last night. Gak. Kudos to Boone, though, for making the best of a bad situation: He scored a season-high 21 points and grabbed a career-high 17 rebounds. And he even his almost 50 percent of his freethrows (7-of-15).

Golden State Warriors defense: Going into last night's game, the Nets were next to last in the league in points per game. After playing the Warriors, they "jumped" to fourth from last (94.0). The 119 points scored by New Jersey was, of course, the most they've scored in a single game all season. I have absolutely nothing to back this up with, but I bet that the Warriors lead the league in giving up season highs in PPG to opposing teams. And since they're only 13-18 when their opponents score 100 points or more, that most definitely is not a good thing. (P.S. They're giving up 107.4 PPG, worst in the league. Uh oh.)

New Jersey Nets defense: It's not just that they gave up 121 points on 50 percent shooting. That tends to happen when you're playing the Warriors. But they also got brutalized by a 22-to-nothing run in a stretch of less than four minutes in the fourth quarter. To put that into perspective, if the Warriors had scored at that pace the whole game, they would have scored over 260 points.

New Jersey Nets offense: Yeah, I know they scored 119 points, which is like double their regular season average. But playing offense against Golden State is like shooting in an empty gym using a five-foot Nerf hoop. Yet the Nets got reamed by that 22-0 run I mentioned, and they went five and a half minutes without a field goal in the fourth quarter.

Golden State Warriors defense: Yes, they get two entries in today's Worst of the Night. After all, they blew a 13-point fourth quarter lead by letting the scoringly challenged Nets drop an 18-4 run on them and take a 112-111 with a couple minutes left. Dudes, it's called a hand in the face. You just raise your arm straight up in the air and put your hand somewhere in the shooter's field of vision. It's that simple.

Jason Kidd: Yes, he can run a mean offense. But he has almost none of his own. Last night, he shot 2-for-11, which is barely below averge for him. He's shooting 36 percent from the field this season, which ranks him 45th in the NBA amoung point guards...45th! And look, can we just stop calling him one of the best point guards in the NBA (like Magic Johnson did on the TNT pregame show last night)? Sure, he racks up a lot of assists, and he's a triple double machine, but the Nets are one of the worst scoring teams in the league despite the presence of Kidd, Vince Carter, and Richard Jefferson. I'm not saying it's all Kidd's fault, but right now at least, his ability to lead his team is very much in question.

Vince Carter: Speaking of not everything being J-Kidd's fault, did anybody else notice that Half Man, Half-A-Lazy got shuffled in and out of the lineup in the final minutes? Isn't he supposed to be their go-to scorer?

Darrell Armstrong: The decomposing wiley veteran got a whopping 10 seconds of playing time, and actually managed to dish an assist. At that rate, he was on pace to dish out 6 assists per minute, which is like 288 assists over the full 48. Impressive.

Marco Belinelli: His stat line from last night: 1 minute, 4 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -3.

Fire hazards: The Warriors set another attendance record with 19,596 fans in Oracle Arena. Jesus. What are they doing, just stacking fans on top of each other?

Labels: Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors, Gregg Popovich, Indiana Pacers, Jason Kidd, Manu Ginobili, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Vince Carter, Worst of the Night

Kirk Hinrich says: "Matt Damon!"
Washington Wizards defense: After his team held the Dallas Mavericks to 41 percent shooting, Wizards coach Eddie Jordan said, "We are being nastier and grittier defensively." Well, the Wizards' defense certainly was nasty last night, but not in the way Jordan meant it. They "held" the Cavaliers to 121 points on 56 percent shooting while getting ravaged on the boards 53-29. The Washington D was at it's utter worst during the third quarter, when Cleveland shot 70 percent and outscored the Wizards 43-17. The Associated Press article actually says that the Wiz "stood around like department store mannequins on defense." Wow. It's pretty rare for the Associated Press to editorialize that way. But it's also true. At one point, Larry Hughes just strolled in and dunked while not one, not two, not three, but four Wizards just stood there and watched. Speaking of Hughes...

Larry Hughes: On a night when the rest of his team had it going on, Hughes had one of his typical 2-for-8 shooting nights. And, as noted, one of his two field goals was an uncontested dunk. I can tell you one thing: 33 percent shooting is not what the Cavaliers had in mind when they decided to pay him $12 million a year. Good thing Danny Ferry locked him up through 2009-10!!

Washington Wizard offense: I should probably note that the Wizards offense was pretty bad, too. They scored 85 points on 39 percent shooting, giving fans a bitter taste of what it was like to watch the New York Knicks in the mid-90s. The Washington O was so bad that Yahoo lists Darius Songaila as the team's top performer...with 8 points on 3-for-8 shooting.

Gordan Giricek: His line against the Pistons: 4 minutes, 0-for-2 shooting, 1 assist, 2 personal fouls, and a +/- score of -8. I bet Giricek never thought he'd miss Salt Lake City this badly.

Eddie Jones: The empty husk of Eddie Jones shot 1-for-6 against the Bobcats. In its previous two games, it shot 1-for-3 against the Wizards and 1-for-4 against the Sonics. So the thing might be creepy, but it's still good for at least one field goal a game, and that's something. I guess.

Jose Juan Barea: The Mavs back-up to the back-up point guard scored a two trillion. According to Barea's official Web site, "Barea is regarded by many Northeastern followers as the most exciting player ever to wear a Husky uniform." He also enjoys going to the beach and watching television. Now when you speak of me, never let it be said that I don't provide information to enrich your life.

Boston Celtics defense: The Green are ranked first in the league in both points allowed (88.1) and field goal percentage defense (41.9). For this reason, one can only assume that the C's simply chose not to play defense last night, since the Raptors scored 114 points on 58 percent from the field and 71 percent from three-point land. Five traffic cones could have forced more misses than that. Doc Rivers needs to order up some Inflatable Defenders, pronto.

Boston Celtics clutchability: They have Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen. For those of you who enjoy counting, that's three superstars. So why are they having trouble closing out games? They suffered a come-from-ahead loss to the Raptors last night after getting outscored 30-21 in the fourth. In their last loss, to the Wizards, they were outscored 29-20 in the fourth and lost by 5. In their next to last loss, also to the Wizards, they were outscored 25-13 in the final stanza and lost by 7. In their December loss to Detroit, they got outscored 26-20 in the fourth and lost by 2. Mind you, I know they've only lost seven games, and they're still a very strong team. But they've surrendered fourth quarter leads in all but one of those seven losses. Shouldn't a team with that much star power be able to, you know, finish? And why oh why did they go to Eddie House with seconds remaining and the game on the line? Speaking of House...

Eddie House: When they write the book on Eddie House, it will be one sentence long, and that sentence will be: "He's not afraid to shoot, even when he's shooting badly." Like last night, when he was 2-for-9. It's like terrorists have kidnapped his wife and plan to kill her if he doesn't shoot the ball every time he touches it.

Chris Bosh's buttery fingers: If the Raptors hadn't pulled out that win over the Celtics, Bosh and his 7 turnovers would have been a big reason why.

Pat Garrity: Ring up a two trillion for the Magic's 12th man.

Darko Milicic: Just 1 rebound in 23 minutes for a 7-foot, 275-pound starting center? That's very not good. Even for Darko.

Phoenix Suns: At 7-34, the Minnesota Timberwolves are clearly the worst team in the NBA. Yet two of those 7 wins have come at the expense of the best team (record-wise) in the Western Conference. Oh, wait, thanks to this loss, the Suns gave up the conference lead to the New Orleans Hornets. My bad. The Suns shot lights out (56 percent) but got absolutely obliterated on the boards 48-26. And 22 of the Wolves rebounds were on the offensive end. Marco Jaric had more rebounds (8) than anybody on the Suns. Marco Jaric! The thing is, their win over the Lakers last week proved that the Suns can play defense when properly motivated to do so. I just have no idea what motivates them these days. And neither does Mike D'Antoni, apparently.

Amare Stoudemire: As the Suns starting center, it's Stoudemire's job to protect the paint and clean the glass. But not only were his 6 rebounds two fewer than Marco Jaric had, Stoudemire's man, Al Jefferson went off for a career-high 39 points and had 15 boards, 8 of which were offensive. That's right. Jefferson's offensive rebounding count was higher than Stoudemire's rebounding total. It's called "blocking out," Amare. Try it some time.

Mike Dunleavy Jr.: Boy, just when you think it's finally safe to annoint him a legitimate NBA player, he lets loose with a 2-for-12, 4-turnover stinkbomb against a lousy team. The Pacers may need to rethink their reliance on Dunleavy. Oh, wait. Even after a game like that, he's still the team's best player. Uh oh.

Mario West: One game after his 18-second, 1-foul performance against the Trailblazers, he put in a 5-second, 0-for-everything game against the Nuggets. Mind you, two games ago against the Raptors, not-so-Super Mario put in only 14 seconds. At this rate, why is Mike Woodson bothering to play him at all? What could he possibly expect Williams to do in less than 20 seconds on the floor?

Gregg Popovich interviews: He may be a great coach, but he gives a lousy interview. Right before the start of the fourth quarter, the ESPN sideline reporter asked Popovich why Manu Ginobili was able to give the Spurs a third-quarter spark. Without altering his expression in any way or moving even a single facial muscle, Pop said: "Because he's Manu Ginobili." Then he shambled off like a zombie looking for fresh brains.

The Return of Mr. Bryant: Kobe's performance on Monday night against the Nuggets threatened to undo everything I've ever said about him. After that game, I actually referred to him as "Magic Bryant" to my buddy Craig over at The Association. I had to take a long, hard look in the mirror and admit that maybe, just maybe, Kobe had finally matured into greatness. But Gott in Himmel, he has not. And it's not that Mamba shot 12-for-27, or the fact that he took 13 more shots than any other Laker, or that he had only 1 assist in the second half, or even his NBA season-high 9 turnovers. It was his complete reversion to form. After a stellar first half that seemed like a natural extension of the Denver game, Kobe started to force the action against stiff defense and stopped passing to his teammates. Gregg Popovich seemed to manipulate events by leaving Ime Udoka on Bryant for most of the fourth quarter. It's like Pop knew that Bryant's titanic ego would compel him to try to score against Udoka every time. Well, planned or not, the strategy worked to perfection.

Steve Novak: I didn't see the game, but I would love to know why Rick Adelman put Novak in for 3 seconds. Was his mom in the crowd?

Sacramento Kings: The Sacramento revivial got run through the wood chipper last night. The Kings "best players" were all back in the starting lineup last night, and the result was a 26-point drubbing. By the Clippers (13-25).

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Boston Celtics, Chris Bosh, Darko, Eddie Jones, Gregg Popovich, Kobe Bryant, Larry Hughes, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Washington Wizards