'Sheed responds to the new Rasheed Wallace Rule.
Rasheed Wallace Rule (ruh-sheed' wah'-luhs rool) noun. The informal name for the new NBA-mandated guidelines for technical fouls related to "overt" player reactions to referee calls.

According to ESPN's Henry Abbott, referees have been instructed to call a technical for:

Players making aggressive gestures, such as air punches, anywhere on the court.

Demonstrative disagreement, such as when a player incredulously raises his hands, or smacks his own arm to demonstrate how he was fouled.

Running directly at an official to complain about a call.

Excessive inquiries about a call, even in a civilized tone.

Refs can also consider dropping the T-Bomb on players who "use body language to question or demonstrate displeasure" and "take the long path to the official" (that is, walking across the court to make their case). Just guessing here, but I bet laughing at calls is also off limits.

Usage example: Did 'Sheed know The Rasheed Wallace Rule was going into effect this season? Maybe that's why he decided to hang up his jock.

Word History: At TrueHoop, Abbott noted that a similar set of rules were implemented prior to the 2006-07 season. (I called those guidelines "The Rasheed Wallace Rule" even back then.) After a very short enforcement period, those rules were forgotten almost as thoroughly as Pauly Shore's entire misbegotten career.

So the big question is: Will they stick around this time? I doubt it. But if they do, we may never see another montage quite like this:

Labels: Rasheed Wallace, Rasheed Wallace Rule, Word of the Day

Is Rajon trying to look shorter than Jameer Nelson? He sure played like it...
The Boston Celtics: I guess the Lakers weren't the only team to get caught looking ahead to the NBA Finals. The Magic played like their playoff lives were on the line -- which was actually the case -- while the Celtics played like they were waiting for Orlando to crumple into a gasping, shuddering, dying heap.

Didn't happen. Beware the team that starts reading its own press clippings.

Boston coach Doc Rivers preaches "no hero ball." And yet that's what his team got caught playing: Too much dribbling, too many one-on-one plays, too many careless passes...16 of which ended up in the wrong hands. (From my standpoint, one of the worst TOs of the game happened with 42 seconds left in OT and the C's down 96-92. KG flung an awful pass across the court in the approximate direction of Paul Pierce...only it landed somewhere in the crowd. Fail.) It's no wonder the Celts shot 42 percent from the field and finished with only 92 points despite playing at home and having an extra five-minute period tacked on to the game.

In Game 3, Boston was whipping the ball around on every possession. There was one sequence in which the rock changed hands eight different times before Kevin Garnett sank a jumper. That wasn't happening in Game 4, which, I hate to say, is often the case when Pierce has a big scoring game (32 points, 11-for-25, 10-for-13). Of course, when The Half Truth scores like that, it's usually because the Boston offense is struggling to make anything happen. So I'm not sure what came first, the chicken or the egg.

Then again, maybe it was the Magic defense. Part of what's made Orlando's "collapse" in Games 1 through 3 so stunning is that they're actually a really good team. They finished the regular season with the second-best record in the league, the third-best defensive rating, and the fifth-best offensive rating. During the playoffs, they've been the second-best defensive team (based on D-Rating) next to the Celtics.

So, really, what they did to the C's last night really shouldn't be all that surprising...the surprising part is that it took them this long to put a game like this together.

But like I said, they were aided by a Boston squad that suddenly looked stiff and tentative. I'm not sure what happened to all the bravado, or Big Baby's "happy dance," or, for that matter, Rajon Rondo.

Rajon Rondo: I forget when this happened, but at some point during these playoffs, Magic Johnson said: "Rajon Rondo is by far Boston's best player. It's not even close." Evil Ted, who's becoming a huge Rondo fan, quite gleefully recounted Magic's words to me...although I'd already heard them and cringed.

First off, Magic Johnson is the undisputed King of Hyperbole. He always has been. When he's providing pre-game, in-game or post-game analysis, you really have to take what he says with a grain of salt.

Secondly, Rondo is and has been fantastic. He's controlling games, providing defense and hustle, and doing a pretty decent job in the leadership department. But Rondo's shooting is still suspect. It's improved but doubted, not only by opponents but sometimes also by Rondo himself. You could see it last night, especially during the fourth quarter. The kid finished 3-for-10 and it really looked like he didn't want to shoot the ball late. Maybe that was by design, but I don't think so. At any rate, the Magic sensed this and backed off him just enough to menace the other Boston players on D.

Thirdly, Jameer Nelson might have committed a game-worst 6 turnovers and eventually fouled out, but he took it to Rondo and outplayed him (23 points, 7-for-14, 3-for-6 on threes, game-high 9 assists). It wasn't just by the numbers, either, it was in leadership, inspiration and big shots.

Amazingly, the Boston crowd chanted "M-V-P!" for Rondo during the fourth quarter...when he had eight points and had been repeatedly skewered by Nelson. Oy.

Of course, Rajon went to the locker room near the end of the first half with vaginal cramping something described as "muscle spasms." So, uh, maybe that was the problem.

Kendrick Perkins: Remember when it looked like Perk (27 minutes, 0-for-2, 3 points, 4 rebounds) had solved the Dwight Howard puzzle? Yeah.

ESPN's John Hollinger had more damning (and accurate) words to say about Boston's big man:

One other move the Celtics may lament is starting Kendrick Perkins at the beginning of overtime. Perkins didn't make a field goal in 27 minutes despite being completely unmolested on the perimeter, leaving Boston's other players to go 4-on-5 offensively. The Celtics didn't score in overtime until Perkins came out with 1:59 left.

The truth is a little ouchie.

Rasheed Wallace: Playoff 'Sheed apparently got kidnapped and locked up in a basement somewhere by Regular Season 'Sheed: 13 minutes, 4 points, 4 fouls, 3 rebounds, a turnover, 2-for-7 shooting, 0-for-4 from downtown. And, frankly, not a lot of what you'd call "hustle," or "effort," for even "breathing" as far as I could tell.

Here's more from Zach Lowe from Celtics Hub:

Rasheed Wallace played his worst game of the post-season so far, especially considering the circumstances (a berth in the Finals on the line). The Celtics opened the 4th quarter by knocking the ball away from Howard and getting out in semi-transition. As the Magic rushed back on defense, Rondo pulled the ball up, waiting for a trailer. And he waited. And he waited some more. At this point, I thought maybe Wallace had been injured on the other end of the court.

Nope. He was just being lazy. By the time he appeared at the top of the arc and received the pass from Rajon, the Magic was set to at least contest the shot a bit, whereas if Sheed had been hustling, he would have time to set his feet and take a wide open three.

Awful. Then Sheed committed a dumb technical (the Magic made the free throw, and the game went to overtime—Thanks Sheed!), got whistled for an illegal screen and bricked another rushed three-pointer.

Doc pulled him, and Sheed never saw the floor again. Deservedly so.

Sheed: I thought you were here for the post-season? If you openly declare the regular season meaningless and say you’re here for the post-season only, that means you have to bring the effort in every single post-season game.

Nate Robinson: More from Mr. Lowe:

Nate Robinson, summed up: He makes a wonderful pass to KG to set up a lay-in at the end of the 2nd quarter, then needlessly fouls Jameer Nelson with 38 seconds left and the Celtics in the penalty. Nate Robinson still does not understand how to play NBA defense. Honestly, I have no clue what is going to happen with Nate next season. Some team could blow $4 million per season on him, or he could be playing in Europe. I have no idea. He has no idea.

Think Celtics fans -- not to mention the Celtics themselves -- miss Eddie House? You bet your ass, they do.

Tony Allen: Don't even get me started.

Boston's bench: Oh, what the hell. They sucked. I have a feeling that, before everything's said and done, Doc might end up regretting not developing his bench a little more.

Pictured: Why Boston's starters have to log suchheavy minutes. Oh, and Kendrick Perkins, too.
Boston's pick-and-roll defense: According to ESPN Stats & Information, the Magic were scoring 28 PPG on 35 percent shooting when using the P&R during Games 1-3. In Game 4, Orlando finished with 47 points on 51 percent shooting with the P&R. The Celtics might need to make an adjustment on that.

Boston's last possession in regulation / timekeeping: At TrueHoop, Kevin Anovits breaks down the Celtics' last possession:


Now, Arnovitz said it was refreshing to see the Celtics push the ball instead of calling time. And yet...that possession was a mess from the get-go. There was never any continuity or flow in it, and I happen to think the C's would have benefitted from a timeout and set play. I also think that Nelson fouled Pierce by body-blocking him to the floor, but that was probably a karmic no-call after time stood still for half a second.

Anyway, to me, that possession was a microcosm of what Boston was doing wrong all game long. And based on these somewhat passive aggressive comments, I think Ray Allen agrees with me: "Each guy feels like they can make the shot to win the game for us. Sometimes that's been at our team's detriment. So sometimes pulling back for all of us, like you come off, you have the ball, just swing it. Sometimes I might have a shot, but Kevin might have an easier one. Just plays like that. The unselfishness out there on the floor. When we're great, that's what we do.

Vince Carter: Even as Nelson and Pumaman (32 points, 16 rebounds, 4 blocked shots) were rising to the occasion, Vag was looking for a place to hide. Only it's hard for somebody Carter's size to hide in plain sight during a live basketball game. Half Man, Half-Assed Effort finished with the following line in what was the biggest game of his life to date: 31 minutes, 1-for-9, 3 points, 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 3 turnovers and 4 fouls. Can I get a "He is who we thought he was"?

Speaking of Vince, an anonymous Orlando Magic fan sent in this link to the Not Vince Cater Twitter page. Basketbawful recommends you go there now.

Dwight Howard's elbow: I've played enough basketball to know this was intentional...and we all know about Dwight's history of elbows.


Big Baby, quote machine: "They don't want to leave. We're going to have to throw them out. It's just like somebody renting a house."

Speaking of Davis, Basketbawful readers Ely and Flunze want you to see a little of Baby's tongue action...which seems to say, "Dwight Howard! GET! IN! MY! BELLY!"


Stat curse: According to the AP game notes: "Sporting goods chain Modell's sent out an e-mail a few hours before the game advertising Eastern Conference championship gear -- if the Celtics won."

The "age" thing: After the game, some ESPN peeps -- Michael Wilbon chief among them -- who tried to pin this loss on the collective age of the Celtics. Really? Because this team didn't look all that old when they were beating the Magic in Games 1 and 2 with limited rest. Can't we all just agree that Boston lost because they played badly? Does the age thing have to come up every time they lose? I mean, prior to Game 4, the Celts had a six-game playoff winning streak going against the two best teams in the league (based on regular season record). Age wasn't the problem. Sloppy, half-hearted play was the problem.

A.J. Price: This is why I avoid charity events:

The Indiana Pacers say guard A.J. Price will need 4-6 months to heal from a knee injury he suffered while playing in a charity basketball game.

Price was injured in New York on Saturday night. He was examined by team doctors Monday and will undergo surgery Tuesday in Indianapolis to repair a fractured left patella.

Price, heading into his second year out of Connecticut, averaged 7.3 points, 1.9 assists and 1.6 rebounds in 56 games as a rookie. He started two games, and was a regular part of the rotation the second half of the season.

Monday's sleight of hand lacktion report: From Chris: "In 19 seconds, Marquis Daniels attempted to rescue Zelda, resulting in a Mario."

Labels: Boston Celtics, Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, Kendrick Perkins, Orlando Magic, Rajon Rondo, Rasheed Wallace, Vince Carter

"AAH! What is this round, orange thing?!?!"
Hope everybody in the midwest to southeast USA made it through the weekend's ridiculous rainstorms better than the Titan's stadium.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

"Ooooh yeah."

I'm not really sure why referee Greg Willard is carrying a Mike Woodson cardboard cutout, but there you go.

Hey, I thought Melo had the support of fans in Utah?

Well, this is awkward.

Invisible baby

"Even though Kobe may be the Black Mamba, I bet he can't unhinge his jaw like a snake. But I can!!"

Betcha one of the words KG said here started with the letter "F"

Example #9285 of why Rasheed Wallace is bawful

Hedo Turkoglu would not approve of such an unenthusiastic display of "Ball."

Harry the Hawk dressed up as Michael Jackson to tell the Bucks to "Beat It."

Since when do basketballs have repelling force fields in them?
All The Games:
Celtics at Crabs - TNT, 8:00pm
Crabs lead series 1-0

Maybe by the time this game starts, Rajon Rondo will have recovered from that monstrous foul Shaq dropped on him late in Game 1. The Celtics better hope so, because he was the only person who could hit a freaking shot at times in that game.

Spurs at Suns - TNT, 10:30pm
Series tied 0-0

Is anyone else as jacked about this series as I am? If you're not, maybe you should read this and get back to me.

Labels: Bawful After Dark, Rasheed Wallace

I bet 'Melo wishes he could have "blacked out" again last night...
The Boston Celtics: Let us harken back to the words of Paul Pierce, as reported in yesterday's WotN post:

"We want to be the champs. That's the minimum level [of achievement to consider the season a success]. I don't care what our record is. I don't care how we've played. Our minimum level is winning the championship. That's been our goal since we brought the team together, and that's not changed." But is it realistic? "Yeah," Pierce said. "Without question."

Those are some mighty big words, and a good way for the Celtics to back them up would have been to shut down the Bulls in Chicago last night, thereby giving them a chance to wrest the third seed in the Eastern Conference away from the Atlanta Hawks.

But that didn't happen.

Instead, Derrick Rose (career-high 39) and Kirk Hinrich (season-high 30) combined for 69 points -- including 27 in the fourth quarter -- to beat Boston 101-93. This drops the Celtics to fourth in the East and means a second-round matchup with the Cleveland Craboliers. Assuming the C's can make it that far. I mean, it's a bad sign that a team specifically built around defense was beaten by two guys.

Boston has lost six of the last nine games.

Said Pierce: "One game left and we've got everyone healthy going into the playoffs, which was the No. 1 goal of the season."

Wait, I thought winning the title was your number one goal, Paul. Sounds like you've revised your expectations. Which is probably appropriate.

Rasheed Wallace: After his latest stink bomb -- a 1-for-7 shooting performance, 0-for-2 on threes -- I'm officially going to start calling chuck-it-up games from overpaid (and overrated) bench players "taking a 'Sheed." It's the same as taking a dump, only you're pooping directly onto your teammates. Note I almost named this a "dirty 'Sheedchez" after, well, you know.

Anyway, the best part of Wallace's dreadful showing was that he scored as many points for the Bulls as he did for the Celtics. Oh, yes. As Basketbawful reader Adrian said: "Holy shit. Sheed just choked on a rebound so hard he put it back in the Bulls' basket. Now I've seen it all. Only two years left with him, Boston!"


Added Basketbawful reader winnetou: "While looking for a short clip of the events Adrian mentioned, I also came across a longer video mentioning that he had actually done this before, in November '08. Unfortunately, the video only really celebrates the cAnswer without showing Sheed's bawful moments, so all that I can link is the ESPN recap."

But wait! There's more! Watch 'Sheed not even try to contest Rose's slam. Why be in the poster, right?


What a bum.

John Paxson: And you probably thought that firing a guy on Christmas eve was the biggest superdick move Paxson could pull. Well, I'm not sorry you were so totally wrong. The latest: After a recent home loss to the Phoenix Suns, Pax grabbed coach Vinny Del Negro by the tie, jabbed him in the chest a couple times and challenged him to a fight. Why, you ask? Because Vinny played Joakim Noah -- who had recently missed 10 games with plantar fasciitis -- two minutes and five seconds longer than the 25-minute limit Bulls management had mandated. Seriously.

Stay classy, John Paxson!

Jerry Reinsdorf has dispatched lawyers to investigate the incident. Paxson, not surprisingly, has not been available for comment. This is what Vinny had to say: "I'm not going to comment. I go about my job every day no matter what happens. I'm a competitor. I've been involved in the game a long time. I love the challenge of it. All the other things that happen pretty much stay internally."

Said Bulls spokesman Tim Hallam "This is an organizational issue, which we will handle internally."

Added Joakim Noah: "I don't want to talk about it. Things happen in an organization. ... I don't think it's fair for us as players to be talking about that stuff. It's nothing. Really, it's nothing."

Uhm, no offense, Jo, but a boss physically abusing -- some would even say "attacking" -- his employee is something. Something pretty bad. Something most people in the real world would probably lose their jobs over. However, it's more likely Paxson will remain with the organization while Vinny gets the boot as soon as the season ends, either tonight or after a first round sweep by the Crabs.

Sounds fair, right?

The Gol_en State Warriors: Now that Nellie is the NBA's winningest coach ever, people have stoppped caring about the Warriors again. Which is how it should be. So, fittingly, I don't care enough to recap Gol_en State's home loss to the Jazz. I'll simply leave you with this: Devean George scored a season-high 21 points for the Warriors. Doesn't that sort of say all you need to know?

The Denver Nuggets: With homecourt advantage in the playoffs on the line, the Nuggets...lost 123-101 to the Suns in Phoenix. And the beating was actually worse than that. So bad, in fact, that Steve Nash and Amar''''''e Stoudemire sat out the entire fourth quarter. The Suns -- who knew the Nuggets had played the night before -- ran out to an 18-2 lead and Denver never really recovered.

And this is the team that's supposed to challenge the Lakers in the playoffs?

The Suns shot almost 54 percent from the field and went 14-for-24 from downtown...including 11-for-17 during the first three quarters.

Said Chauncey Billups: "Man, there's really nobody that's going to beat them when they shoot like that."

I've heard hands in faces can help with that, Chauncey. Speaking of Mr. Big Shot...

Chauncey Billups: Remember when the talk was always about how Billups owned Nash? Well, last night Captain Canada had 18 points and 10 assists in three quarters (despite a tough shooting night), while Mr. Big Shot went 1-for-6 from beyond the arc and didn't register a single assist in 33 minutes of PT.

The Sacramento Kings: The best thing about their 106-100 loss to the Mamba-less Lakers? The Purple Paupers are now one game closer to the end of their season. Hip-hip-HOOOORAY!!!

(Still, letting Shannon Brown -- 24 points on 10-for-19 shooting -- pull a Kobe impersonation on them was pretty embarrassing. Assuming they have any shame left.)

You know who's sad this year's crapfest is coming to it's crappy end? Paul Westphal: "Honestly, I'm sorry it's over. I really like this team. We knew that we had a hill to climb, and the journey is just beginning. We added eight more wins and added some players we can build around, so by any measure, there was improvement. The first thing is that we had to compete this year. We did that, and one of these days, we'll learn how to win."

...

Lacktion report: Only one entry for chris's daily lacktion update:

Celtics-Bulls: Flip Murray bricked twice and fouled once in 4:24 for a CELEBRATORY +3!

Labels: Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, Golden State Warriors, john paxson, Rasheed Wallace, Sacramento Kings, Worst of the Night

The Chicago Bulls: Gone are the days when games in the last month of the season between two teams who are a number of games under .500 are meaningless. No, in today's NBA, a matchup between the 32-42 Indiana Pacers and the 36-39 Chicago Bulls had playoff implications for both teams. That's right, despite being 10 games below the .500 mark, the Pacers are still clinging to their playoff dreams, albeit by their fingernails. The Bulls, on the other hand were looking to not only hold onto that 8th seed, but were looking to gain some ground on the 7th seed with a Detroit loss (more on that below). But it was not to be, as Chicago surrendered a 7-point lead with 3:35 remaining, allowing the Pacers to finish the game on an 11-2 run. I'm guessing Chicago could have used John Salmons for this one, but instead he sat out with an injury to one of his groins (thankfully he's still got the other one). This loss meant that if Charlotte could beat the Lakers, they'd be tied in the loss column with Chicago for that final playoff spot (Indiana's still three games back in that column, so they're not technically out of it. Yet.) Speaking of clinging to one of the lower playoff seeds...

The Detroit Pistons: The good news for Detroit is that they are finally healthy. The bad news is they were playing in Cleveland where the Crabs were 35-1. Detroit actually played pretty well in this one, considering Cleveland's home dominance this year, and Detroit's overall suckitude all season long; but in the end the wheels came off of the Motor City's team, and as a result they crashed into a telephone pole. Detroit led for virtually all of the first half, before letting the Crabs tie it right at the end, then it was back and forth, with Detroit actually holding a 2-point lead with five minutes to go. Unfortunately for the Pistons they only scored 4 more points in the last 5 minutes, and that was all she wrote.

Rasheed Wallace: After sitting out the last 11 games with an injured left calf, Sheed celebrated his return to action in typical Sheed fashion: by picking up a technical. Since this happened to be his 16th T on the season, Sheed will have to miss the next game due to the automatic suspension that comes with it. Maybe that'll leave an extra starting slot open for one of his teammates though...

Allen Iverson, whining machine: After being out for 16 games with an injury, this was the Not Answer's second game back, and second time coming off the bench, this time with 18 minutes of playing time. And he was not happy about it: "How many minutes did I play? It seemed way, way, way less than that. Eighteen minutes? Come on, man. I can play 18 minutes with my eyes closed, with a 100-pound truck on my back. It's a bad feeling, man. I'm wondering what they rushed me to get back for? For that? It's a bad time for me mentally. I am just trying to get through it without starting a whole bunch of nonsense. I'm looking at the big picture. If I vent my frustration then it's like, given who I am, I'll be the one everybody points the finger at. I am just going to try to laugh to stop from crying." He doesn't know what the rush was to get him back? Uh, how about making the playoffs? Nevertheless, when your team is fighting for its season like this, now is not the time to be making veiled threats about venting your frustrations. If he keeps this up, Stephon Marbury's gonna call him and tell him to stop stealing his schtick.

The Atlanta Hawks: Fresh off their win over the Lakers at home on Sunday, Atlanta set out on the road to prove they can be good away from the Philips Arena in Atlanta. That's good in theory, but in reality these Hawks are just as bad on the road as they were last year in the playoffs when Boston mopped the floor with them in the four road games Atlanta played. The Hawks started off bad, falling behind by as many as 16 in the first half, and trailed the whole game except for a brief lead when the score was 6-4. The Hawks made a valiant push to get to within one point in the fourth quarter, but clearly the effort to get back in the game took too much out of them as they then let the Sixers go on a 14-2 run to put the game out of reach. Josh Smith and Flip Murray were the only Dirty Birds who came to play, scoring 52 of the team's 85 points. The rest of the team was pure garbage, especially...

Mike Bibby: Maybe Bibby was all annoyed he couldn't be there in Sacramento last night along with Peja Stojakovic, Chris Webber, Doug Christie and Scott Pollard to celebrate the retiring of Vlade Divac's number; but whatever the case was, Bibby didn't bring his game with him to this one: 7 points on 9 shots with 0 assists and 1 turnover in 32 minutes is rather poor for your team's starting point guard. You know, I'll bet Atlanta wishes they'd just shipped him off to Sacramento for that ceremony after all.

The Los Angeles Lakers: The following sentence is not a misprint: the Bobcats have now won six of seven against the Lakers. It's really becoming almost predictable at this point, L.A. just cannot beat the pesky Bobcats. The Lakers picked up where they left off on Sunday in their loss to the Hawks, shooting only 39 percent from the field en route to only 84 points. At least they got Pau Gasol more than 10 shots in this game though. At this point, L.A. can pretty much kiss home court advantage against Cleveland in The Finals goodbye (assuming both teams make it there, of course), as the Lakers are now three full games in back of the Crabs with only eight remaining. Phil Jackson has already said he doesn't think the Lakers need HCA against Cleveland to win this year, so it could be he's already setting the team on cruise control for the rest of the regular season, what with having already secured the West's #1 seed, not to mention a three-game lead and the tiebreaker over Boston. Nonetheless, L.A's not gonna win anything with #24 playing like this...

Kobe Bryant: Fortunately for me, I don't have to be creative and come up with a reason for his appearance on today's Worst Of, as he took care of that himself: 11-28 for 25 points with only 2 assists and 2 rebounds continues one of the longest shooting slumps the Mamba has ever had in his 13-year career. In the last eight games, Kobe has only shot over 50% from the field once (going 10-18 against Detroit last week), and has shot only 37% from the field overall in that octet. In the last two months, the Lakers have lost seven times, and in five of those games Kobe has taken at least 28 shots, so maybe Kobe should think about, I dunno, sharing the ball some? Just a suggestion.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: The Pups raced out to a 4-2 lead, and unfortunately for them that was the high point in the game for them as they never led again. Dallas jumped all over them, leading by as many as 17 in the first quarter, and the Mavs never looked back. This game was a combination of bad offense and worse defense for the Timberwolves, as they only shot 39% from the field while allowing Dallas to shoot 55% on the other end. Even a little home cookin' for Minnesota couldn't help in this one, as the 10 extra made free throws only helped them lose by 20 instead of 30. However, even though the Mavs won an easy one, they're not above reproach...

Eric Dampier: Putting up a Dampier-esque stat line of 4 points, 5 boards and 3 fouls in 24 minutes of play is bad enough; but when you add in that he let Kevin Love go off for 23 points and 12 boards at the same time, it definitely deserves a mention here. Well done, Eric. I'm sure Mark Cuban appreciates the effort he's getting for the $9.5m he's paying you this year (not to mention the $23m Dampier is due in the coming two seasons).

The San Antonio Spurs: I know the #1 seed in the West is already out of reach, but surely San Antonio knows they're in competition for the #2 seed, right? Just because they've already locked up a playoff spot doesn't mean they should be taking any games off, not when they're only two games ahead of Utah for the #7 seed. With all that in mind, there's just no excuse for losing at home to the Thunder, especially in a game in which every Spur was healthy. Gregg Popovich decided not to play Bruce Bowen in this one, and ended up giving Manu Ginibili the start, and those might have been poor decisions. With Bowen on the bench all night, Kevin Durant went wild, going 12-19 for 31 points. Meanwhile, San Antonio's bench lacked any real scoring punch, with Roger Mason being the only bench player in double figures with 10 points on 3-for-10 shooting.

Michael Finley: What is Michael Finely doing taking the most shots for the Spurs? Ginobili had 13 shots, Duncan had 12 and Tony Parker only had 8, but there was Michael Finley going 5-for-16 (including 10 three pointers).

The Utah Jazz: Of the teams in the West with a shot of making the playoffs, Utah has the worst road record of any of them at 14-22, and last night they showed us why in getting blown out in Portland. With only one road win this season over a team with a winning record, Utah is looking more and more like they might be out in the first round since they are currently the 7th seeded team, and five of their remaining 8 games are on the road against teams with winning records (Denver, NO, Dallas, San Antonio & the Lakers). Sure they'll probably be a tough out, what with having one of the league's best home records, but if you open the playoffs on the road and have proven you can't ever win away from home, well you're just asking for some late April fishing plans.

The New York Knicks: Their race to the bottom continues! The Knicks have now lost nine of their last 10, making the recent dreams of a playoff appearance seem like a distant memory at this point. The Knicks led in this one 8-7, but soon surrendered the lead for good, falling behind by as many as 27 in the 2nd quarter. The Knicks valiantly tried to make a game of it, and climbed back to within a few points in the 3rd quarter and hung around there for a bit before letting the Nuggets push the lead back to double digits where it stayed for most of the rest of the game. With the win, Denver clinched a playoff spot in the West, and the Knicks maybe added a few more ping pong balls to the lottery draft.

Mike 'Antoni: It's no wonder the Knicks couldn't get over the hump after coming back from 27 down to cut it to 4 with about 20 minutes to go in the game. Not only were the Knicks playing in the thin air of Denver, but Short Bench Mike utilized the strategy which worked so "well" for him in Phoenix and played only seven players. I'm willing to bet an extra sub here or there would have let the starters catch their breath a little. Who'd have thought the Knicks would miss Larry Hughes and Eddy Curry so much?

The New Orleans Hornets: I know, I know, they won the game, but when you're a team that supposedly had title hopes at the beginning of the year and you're fighting for playoff seeding, you shouldn't need a last second three to beat the league's worst team. To be fair, the Hornets were missing Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler and James Posey, but the Kings were missing... well, a good team. With the win New Orleans stayed one game ahead of the Jazz in the loss column for the 6th seed in the West.

Andres Nocioni: Check out his "clutch" moments in the last 90 seconds of this game:

1:27 remaining, tie game: Nocioni fouls David West on a made basket, setting up an And-1.

0:37 remaining, tie game: Nocioni gets the ball stripped and stolen by Chris Paul.

0:27 remaining, tie game: Nocioni, after getting stripped and not running downcourt after Paul, is all alone under the basket when Paul's shot gets blocked at the other end of the floor; but Nocioni fumbles the pass right to him, giving the defender time to get back and prevent him from hitting the go ahead basket.

I know Bulls fans must be really sorry they don't have Nocioni to cheer for anymore.

Laction report: No day is complete without Chris's recap of the previous day's laction:

Hawks-Sixers: Othello Hunter jealously guards his wealth, and his watchfulness was rewarded with a 1.25 trillion paycheck.

Pistons-Cavs: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson lived up to his nickname again with a 2.3 trillion take from the crustaceans' undersea treasure chest.

Bobcats-Lakers: Cartier Martin is no question mark for lacktivity, as a 32-second Mario proves.

Mavs-Wolves: Gerald Green got the go-ahead to lack it up as Mark Cuban's human victory cigar of the night, littering his 4:32 stint with a brick, giveaway, and foul for a +3 suck differential.

Kevin McHale however managed to win the battle of non-contribution tonight by having Mark Madsen earn a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl in 5:16 via fouls (also worth a +2), as well as counting out a 1.4 trillion fortune from Jason Collins.

Jazz-Blazers: Shavlik Randolph was noticeably unproductive in 2:39, taking a foul and giving up the rock for +2.

Update! Ron Artest: Ron-Ron attended a Britney Spears concert. No, I am NOT kidding. (Via FanIQ.)

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Chicago Bulls, guest author, Kobe Bryant, Lakers, Rasheed Wallace, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

The Cleveland Craboilers: The good news is the Crabs kept pace with the Celtics, Magic and Lakers last night. The bad news is they did so by losing to the Pacers in Indiana, just as Boston, Orlando and LA have earlier this year. King Crab LeBron turned in the kind of performance that normally raises the ire of journalists and fans alike when Kobe has them: lots of points for himself, few for his teammates, few assists, and a loss to boot. Tough to chide LeBron for this one though: 47 points on only 21 shots and 13-14 from the line; but the rest of his team was downright putrid, and when you've got a reputation for being one of the best in the business at making your teammates better... well, scoring half your team's points in a loss doesn't speak too well on that front. Speaking of LeBron's fellow Crabs...

Cavs-Pacers: Darnell Jackson has proven an effective replacement lacktator in Tarence Kinsey's absence, crawling his way to a 58 second Mario (with one brick) for the Crabs!

Spurs-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts' push to be an All-Lacktion starter continues, after he passively procured a 1.45 trillion for New Jersey. Maurice Ager has been learning well from Chris's example, using the same 1:27 of floor time to take a foul and miss a shot for a suck differential of +2.

Nuggets-Heat: Yakhouba Diawara flamed out with a rebound that ruined a potential two trillion, but lucky for him, fellow lacktator James Jones got warm and baked some masonry for +1 in 7:13. That wasn't Miami's only milestone of mediocrity, as Joel Anthony earned a slight Voskuhl of 6:5 (fouling and giving the ball away three times each, against five rebounds and a brick) in a full 35:39 of action!

Raptors-Wolves: Jake Voskuhl was pegged as a likely non-factor in the Battle of 34-Loss Teams, and he delivered on that meager promise for the Craptors, giving Minnesota the ball once and fouling once as well for a +2 in a forgettable 4:21. Not to mention that a lack of shot attempts earned him his namesake stat -- a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 2:0.

Pistons-Bulls: Walter Herrmann barely got time to press the "Start" button on his night before sitting back down, generating a 15 second Mario for the Pistons.

Kings-Mavs: At halftime, this one looked competitive -- but Suckramento's snoozers never woke up for the 3rd quarter, leading to an all-too-common blowout loss at Dallas. Devean George got to play the part of human victory cigar with a +3 in 3:50 that he secured with a miss from downtown and two fouls.

Knicks-Warriors: When Nellieball collides with Mike 'antoni's coaching, hand-in-the-face work to protect one's own halfcourt gets supplanted with the inevitable fan facepalms, after nary an attempt to make a defensive stop. Yet in this extreme display of offense -- 271 points scored in only four quarters! -- Golden State pulled ahead enough to bring in their human victory cigar, Anthony Morrow. Morrow dropped a 51 second Mario on the floor, the only player who did not contribute at all to those 271 points!

Thunder-Lakers: 6:06 of playing time helped Chris Mihm earned a bit of a Voskuhl of 3:2, with three fouls against two rebounds and two missed shots.

About the author: Wild Yams is a frequent reader of Basketbawful and many other basketball blogs, and is just as much a pain in the ass here as he is on those other sites. Like LeBron James, he likes to refer to himself in the third person, but unlike LeBron James, he has not mastered the crab dribble.

Labels: Derrick Rose, Jake Voskuhl, Lakers, Lebron James, Mike D'Antoni, Rashad McCants, Rasheed Wallace, Worst of the Night

The Los Angeles Lakers: Teams as good as this year's Lakers squad typically don't lose the big-time challenge or statement games. When they actually do lose, they always seem to drop the ones they're expected to win easily. It comes down to a temporary loss of focus. And yeah, I'd say that's what happened in Indiana last night. The Forum Blue and Golders used a 17-0 run at the end of the third quarter to build a 15-point lead only to let the Pacers -- losers of five of their last six games, including that last two at home in overtime -- come charging back.

Kobe Bryant got outscored (32-28), out-assisted (5-2) and out-three-point shot (0-for-5 versus 4-for-10) by Danny Granger. The Lakers starting frontcourt of Andrew Bynum (17 points, 9 rebounds) and Pau Gasol (20 points, 9 boards, 3 assists) was actually outplayed by their Pacers counterparts of Rasho Nesterovic (16 points, 10 rebounds, 4 assists) and Troy Murphy (16 points, 17 rebounds, 2 steals). And L.A. couldn't protect the glass against an Indiana team that crashed the boards for 19 offensive rebounds...including Murphy's game-winning tip-in at the buzzer. Mind you, the Pacers had to overcome a case of homecourt disadvantage to get the win: The Lakers enjoyed a healthy 45-21 edge in free throw attempts. Anyway, here's my memo to the Lakers: "Being able to block out Troy Murphy in end-of-game situations" is pretty much a prerequisite for any team with championship aspirations. That is all.


Greg Oden: Basketbawful reader Ishlifyhead sent me an email with a subject line of "Greg Oden Update! (The second coming of... Ostertag or KB54?)"...proving that followers of this site sure know how to get my attention. Said Ishlifyhead: "You gotta love this item from the AP game recap of the Blazers-Knicks game:

The Blazers shook off a dismal offensive night from rookie Greg Oden, who botched two dunks in the first five minutes and finished with two points, matching Kwame Brown for the lowest-scoring effort by a No. 1 overall pick in his Madison Square Garden debut in 40 years. 'Kind of stopped shooting after that one, because I usually don't miss dunks,' Oden said. Oden played only 19 minutes because [Joel] Przybilla was dominant in the paint, finishing with 14 rebounds, eight points and two blocked shots.

"Perhaps the GO initial and first name of Greg aren't the only similarities between Oden and Ostertag. At least Ostertag wasn't a number one overall pick." Wow. Drawing comparisons to both Kwame Brown AND Greg Ostertag in one night...that's harsh. Even for this site. And he was benched in favor of the Vanilla Godzilla. That's a pretty epic ego-ectomy. I feel like sending Greg a sympathy card or something.

Mike D'Antoni: Yeah the Knicks are 8-9, which is a near miracle, and he's making Chris Duhon (season-high 23 points, 5 rebounds, 13 assists, only 1 turnover) look more and more like Steve Nash every day, which IS a miracle, but...he's also employing his patented six or seven-man rotation, wherein most of the starters go for almost 40 minutes per game. That can tire guys out. And other teams know it. Said Blazers coach Nate McMillan: "We had a group to come in and they got aggressive and we were able to gain control of the game. And you know, when you're playing nine, 10 guys, if we play the way we condition ourselves to, we should be able to wear down some teams. I thought tonight, Duhon, in the third quarter he played well, but he looked like he wore down a little bit." Added Brandon Roy: "Yeah, we seen it. Coach said they're wearing down, they've got heavy legs, so let's keep trying to push it at them. Duhon played great tonight. They've got a number of guys that play hard, but in that fourth quarter you could see that our depth kind of outlasted them."

Now, the AP said D'Antoni's has been "playing basically seven players because of trades, injuries and the Stephon Marbury situation." Which only proves they don't know Mike D'Anonti. The man always grinds his starters into the ground. And Duhon -- who, again just like Nash, is laboring with a bad back -- Duhon played 44 minutes and missed all three shots in a scoreless fourth quarter. After the game, Duhon admitted he was a little gassed. "Once the game is on, the adrenaline and you are competing, I don't really think much about it. But at the aftermath, I definitely feel it afterwards. But I've been through this before, it's nothing that's going to slow me down or prohibit me from playing." Uh...you've been through this before, Chris? I'm sorry, but I highly doubt he's ever played 40+ minutes as a team's featured player since middle school. Maybe.

The New Jersey Nets: The Wizards are a bad shooting team -- 44 percent on the season -- but hit 52 percent of their field goals (and 54 percent of their threes) against the Nets. And since poop flows downhill, the defensive lethargy eventually splattered over onto the offensive end of the floor, which culminated in a truly craptastic third quarter in which the Nets scored a season-low 12 points while giving up a season-high 35. The result: A 108-88 blowout. Said Nets coach Lawrence Frank: "We never got stops and then [DeShawn] Stevenson got going. We kind of lost our rhythm offensively and didn't make it happen on the other end. It's disappointing that we got thoroughly outplayed. We were devoid of all energy. That's just the NBA schedule for you." Yup. You're team didn't fail, Larry. It was just that wacky NBA schedule biting you in the butt.

Update! Trenton Hassell: I can't believe I missed this, but Dr. Hank Pym didn't -- Hassell had a rather epic nine trillion last night. Brutal. However, that is NOT the standing trillion record, which is still held by Damon Jones for his 12 trillion in Game 1 of the 2007 NBA Finals. Oh yes he did.

Devin Harris, Captain Obvious: "When we struggle to make shots, we're going to have a tough time winning games." In other news, failing to breath will cause you to suffocate.

DeShawn Stevenson, quote machine: Regarding the season-high 21 points he scored against the Nets: "It felt good, because I've been in kind of a slump. I just figured I'd come in and shoot it. If I missed, who cares?" And that, my friends, is exactly the kind of attitude I'd expect from a key player on a 3-12 team.

The Chicago Bulls: The good: They held their opponent to 39 percent shooting and forced 19 turnovers. The bad: They shot only 40 percent themselves, gave up 18 offensive rebounds and committed 24 turnovers that were converted into 26 points by the Sixers...leading to a 103-95 loss in their first home game after the dreaded circus trip. Ugh.

And Andre Miller -- who was owned and embarrassed by Derrick Rose just a few days ago -- got his revenge, scoring 28 points and getting the rookie in foul trouble with his veteran tricks, which included one possession in which he pump-faked Rose into the air and then jumped into him to draw the foul. Miller was 10-for-11 from the charity stripe. After the game, a despondent Rose (24 points, 2 assists, 6 turnovers, 5 fouls) said: "[Miller] is a good point guard and he tried to get me in foul trouble. He made plays. Everybody on his team made plays. We just had so many opportunities and we just missed them."

Meanwhile, Basketbawful reader Junokasm has a few words of advice for Tyrus Thomas: "Thomas should never be allowed to take a jump shot, ever. No wide-open jumpers, no shooting drills in practice, no jump shots! Just catch the ball and dunk; jump really high and rebound. He can even drive with his neck high dribble and run over Andre Miller. Just no jump shots."

Drew Gooden: He not only got owned by Elton Brand (22 points, 14 rebounds), he also submitted the following 'bawful line: 0-for-5 and more turnovers (6) than rebounds (5). That's what I call a powerless forward.

The San Antonio Spurs: Well...Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker are both back, so things are supposed to be on the upswing in San Antonio, right? Wrong. The Spurs dropped their second straight game after getting the gang back together. As a team, they shot 39 percent and committed 17 turnovers. And they had a complete meltdown in the fourth quarter, during which they were outscored 28-14: During that final stanza, Tim Duncan scored 1 point while the team shot 5-of-15 from the floor and committed 6 TOs that were transmogrified into 10 points for the Pistons. Said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich: "The most disturbing thing is that we were very soft. I think Detroit intimidated us. It was really sad to watch in that respect. I thought we totally folded to their aggressive play."

The Spurs didn't get a lot of help from their bench. Roger Mason didn't just cool off, he froze over, finishing with 6 points (2-for-6) and 5 turnovers. The Fabulous Oberto -- who lost his starting job to Matt Bonner, by the way -- had 2 points and 2 rebounds in 14 minutes. And Jacque Vaughn and Ime Udoka combined for 1 assist and zero-for-everything else in 10 total minutes (and Udoka had a four trillion).

Is it bad that they looked better BEFORE Parker came back?

Rasheed Wallace, quote machine: 'Sheed did his usual post-technical foul destruction dance against the Spurs, knocking down a trio of threes in the fourth quarter and scoring 17 points in the final 15 minutes after getting T'd up. According to Wallace, he was jawboning the refs because he felt the Spurs were getting a little too much benefit of the doubt. "I knew what it was going to be out there, and I didn't want our team to fall into that. We knew how it was going to be, especially going against the league darlings."

The Los Angeles Clippers: Let me recap this for you: After building a 15-point lead, the Clippers were outscored 32-17 in the fourth quarter -- and 18-4 in the final four minutes -- before letting Jose Barea hit the go-ahead three-bomb with less than a minute left in a demoralizing 100-98 non-win. Oh, and the AP rubbed a little salt in the wound with the following words: "Barea, who is 11th on his team in scoring and plays a little more than 12 minutes per game, capped Dallas' closing 18-4 run with a long-range jumper with 50.2 seconds left that gave Dallas its only lead of the game." So, you know, the Clips got beaten by a loser. They are who we thought they were. Said Clippers coach Mike Dunleavy: "A really disappointing loss for us. We played so well throughout the game. But in the fourth quarter we did a terrible job defensively." Seriously. How is this guy still employed? I'm going to assume that several gallons of goat blood and many dark rites are involved.

Erick Dampier: Tom from Clutch City Hoops had this to say: "Looks like if the Clips had boxed out better, Erick Dampier would have been the first starter ever to record a trillion. (I'm guessing there, but there can't be more than a few that have). However, Dampier grabbed one offensive rebound -- his only stat. THIS close to a three-trillion. Thought you'd want to know." Thanks, Tom. I always want to know when somebody fails, especially overpaid stiffs like Dampier. However, I must admit I'm mad-curious as to why Damp only played three minutes. Was he hurt? Did Rick Carlisle snap and shiv him? Does anybody know?

As for the record: You know what? I have no idea whether an NBA starter has ever notched a trillion that wasn't related to an injury or ejection. I'm gonna have to look into this...

The Toronto Raptors: What's that putrid stench...? Oh. It's the Raptors. Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal was back in action -- if you can call it that -- but his return didn't exactly inspire the troops. Unless it motivated them to play their absolute worst. The toothless dinos bricked 59 shots en route to a 36 percent shooting night. And, believe it or not, things were even worse on the defensive end, where they allowed the Nuggets to shoot 60 percent from the field and 54 percent from downtown. HAND. IN. THE. FACE. Said Jose Calderon: "It was a bad day. Everything was bad for us." Man, you can say that again.

After the game, the Drain -- how wasn't exactly tearing things up this season, even before he was injured -- got all persnickety: "We're going to address it as a team tomorrow. It's embarrassing not only for us but for those who support the Toronto Raptors, the organization, the city and the country. That should never happen. This is a business. We get paid a heck of a lot of money to play a certain way and if we think we can turn it on and off like that then we are fooling ourselves." How's that for a little Leadership 101.

Speaking of leaders, this is what Raptors coach Sam "Please just don't fire me on Christmas eve" Mitchell had this to say about the debacle: "For me now it's not a time to be screaming and yelling. It's a time to be trying to teach and reassure people." Awh. That's so cute. Make sure your players have their stuffed animal of choice when you tuck them in to their beds, Sam. That would be awfully reassuring.

Allen Iverson: The Nuggets are now 12-3 since trading AI to the Pistons for Chauncey Billups, and even Carmelo Anthony -- the one guy who seemed legitimately bummed when Iverson was shipped out -- can see why Denver is suddenly, you know, pretty good. "I think we're heading into a good direction right now. I say all the time, [Billups is] bringing that leadership to this team, helping everybody out, making everybody better. You look at the scoreboard, you see five, six guys in double digits, whereas before we really didn't have that." And 'Melo's not talking about practice. He's talking about games. I'm just sayin'.

The Sacramento Kings: Despite leading for most of the game, the Sactowners still lost their seventh consecutive game and the 10th of their last 11 overall. The Kings have also dropped their last seven games at Arco Arena...which is the first time that's happened since the 1993-94 season. And if they lose their next game at Arco, it'll set a new franchise record for consecutive games lost at home. Said Bobby Jackson: "It's frustrating, it's like having something on your back and you can't get it off." Yes. Much like blood stains, suck is exceedingly difficult to remove. I suggest starting with hydrochloric acid. If that doesn't work, move on to explosives.

The Utah Jazz and their no-stick fingers: If the Jazz had lost this game -- and it took some serious clutchness from Deron Williams to avoid it -- it would have been because of the Teflon-like material they had bonded to their hands before tipoff. Utah committed 25 turnovers -- 11 in the first quarter -- which pretty much kept the Kings in the game. Said Kyle Korver: "Most times when you have 18 turnovers at the half you aren't going to win." Thanks for the newsflash, Kyle. And congratulations on your promotion from Captain Obvious to four-star General Obvious.

Update! Kobe Bryant: He's making his wife write and send out all the Christmas cards. And the stamps he bought? They aren't self-adhesive.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, fan submissions, Greg Oden, Los Angeles Clippers, Los Angeles Lakers, Mike D'Antoni, New Jersey Nets, Rasheed Wallace, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Worst of the Night

Boston Celtics: Yes, they won. But they also failed to hold onto a 17-point lead and barely held on to win at home. That didn't exactly instill me with a lot of confidence, even if Ray Allen's jumper finally came home.

The Boston reserves: It was shades of 1987 all over again. No, Larry didn't steal the ball. I'm talking about the lousy bench. The Beantown auxiliaries were "good" for 3 points (1-for-5), 5 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 turnovers, and 4 fouls in 30 minutes of...you know what? That doesn't even count as lack-tion. Bravo to Sam Cassell for avoiding a two trillion by throwing the ball away once. Still, that wasn't as bad as...

Eddie House: E-Money must have been munching on magic mushrooms before the game, because he transformed into -- jrrp jrrp jrrp --Super Mario! (Five Basketbawful bucks to any reader who can come up with a better phonetic sound effect for the Super Mario transformation.)

Rajon Rondo: The kid had a great floor game (13 assists, only 1 turnovers) and active hands on defense (4 steals), but his shooting was sucksational: 3-for-14. And those numbers are actually worse than you think: He was 0-for-4 on jumpers and only 3-for-10 on layups. Greg Kite is a bigger scoring threat for the Celtics. And I don't mean the Greg Kite from 1984, I mean Greg Kite right now.

Kevin Garnett: It's hard to pick on a guy who scored 33 points (11-for-17) and hit the game-clinching freethrows, but I think I'm up to the challenge. Here's what KG during that last desperate stretch when the Celtics almost choked up their lead. 6:48 - Turnover. 5:51 - Turnover. 5:08 - Missed jump shot. 4:04 - Two made freethrows. 3:32 - Two made freethrows. 2:38 - Missed jump shot. 0:18 - Missed jump shot. 0:03 - Two made freethrows.

So basically, in clutch time, KG was 0-for-3 from outside and bobbled the ball away twice. He did add four important freethrows, as well as the two game-clinchers off the forced foul...but still. That wasn't exactly a clutchtastic performance.

Not-so-fun fact: Hoffman from Ballerblogger has pinpointed KG's Achilles' heal. And while it's not "I've grown a second, evil head!" shocking, the numbers are pretty revealing. "KG has attempted more shots (68) than any other Celtic in the Conference Finals. He's also leading 'Boston’s Big 3' in field goal percentage (.515). But 55 of those 68 shot attempts have been outside of the paint. Fifty-two percent is a good shooting percentage but it pales in comparison to the 69% (9-of-13) KG is shooting from inside the paint. This is why Kevin Garnett was the Defensive Player of the Year and not the MVP this season. He's either incapable or unwilling to impose his will upon games and lead his team to victory on both ends. Someone needs to remind Garnett that he’s a power forward!" Incapable or unwilling? Well, we know what Bill Simmons has to say on the subject...

Detroit Pistons: They once again waited a little too long to start playing with a sense of urgency. Do you realize how often that last line could have been used for this team over the last few years?

Rasheed Wallace: 'Sheed got his sixth technical foul of the playoffs -- a seventh will mean an automatic one-game suspension -- and then went supernova on the officials after the game. "All that (expletive) calls they had out there, with Mike (Callahan) and Kenny (Mauer) you've all seen that (expletive). You saw them calls. The cats are flopping all over the floor and they're calling that (expletive). That (expletive) ain't basketball out there. It's all (expletive) entertainment. You all should know that (expletive). It's all (expletive) entertainment."

You know, that last quote could be the first-ever Rasheed Wallace Mad-lib. Just replace every "expletive" with a funny word, like "fart" or "vagina" or "Magellanic Cloud." NBA Action: It's (expletive)-tastic!

Man-love insert: Basketbawful reader Charles spotted 'Sheed going in for a grabful of A-cup Allen. I'm sure that cat was just floppin' though...


Rodney Stuckey: The kid's not here because he shot 3-for-9 and missed all three of his layups. He's here because he accidentally made a freethrow he meant to miss with four seconds left and his team down three. Who knew that missing a freethrow could be so hard. And the look on his face was classic. Can anybody find a picture or some video of that?

Antonio McDyess: In Game 4, he hopped in the WABAC Machine, returning to his 1997-98 form for a 21-point, 16-rebound performance. But he apparently came back to the future last night: 4 points, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 3 turnovers and 6 fouls in 28 minutes. I guess he really did leave it all on the floor in Game 4.

Theo Ratliff: He did about as well as anybody could hope for last night: 2 points, 2 rebounds, 1 block, and 1 foul in almost 14 minutes. But that's not good enough for some people (and by "some people" I mean "everybody who's rooting for the Pistons"). And so stopplayingtheoratliff.blogspot.com was born! (Thanks to John L. for the link.)

Yahoo!: This just in: The Celtics are going to the NBA Finals! I mean, they won Game 6 last night, right...? Oops. (This message was brought to you by the eagle eyes of Sky Flakes.)

Labels: bench play, Boston Celtics, Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, Kevin Garnett, man love, NBA playoffs, Rajon Rondo, Rasheed Wallace, Worst of the Night

Chauncey Billups: He turned in an Eric-Snow-in-his-prime game: 9 points (3-for-6), 2 rebounds, 2 assists, 2 turnovers, 2 steals and a foul in 31 minutes. Moreover, he was clearly outplayed by the previously slumping Rajon Rondo (11 points, 5-for-9, 7 assists, 5 steals). I don't know whether it was the layoff, the Boston defense, or his injured hamstring -- or maybe a combination of all three? -- but Billups didn't show the kind of aggressiveness I would have expected. I thought he'd attack the basket and put a little more pressure on Rondo. Next game, maybe?

Rasheed Wallace: First off, 'Sheed had his struggles on the offensive end: 11 points on 3-for-12 shooting, including 0-for-3 from downtown. The only time it seems to be okay to have more shots than points is if you're Allen Iverson, and Rasheed is no Allen Iverson. But in all honesty, 'Sheed's offense -- in this series at least -- is far less important than his defense. Which, as it happens, was similarly pooptastic: KG lit him up for a game-high 26 points on 11-for-17 shooting while also grabbing 9 rebounds and handing out 4 dimes.

But before you start blaming rust, know ye now that Rasheed was likewise owned by The Big Ticket during the regular season. As I pointed out in the preview I wrote for Deadspin, KG played as well or better against the Pistons and 'Sheed's D than he did against any other team, to the tune of 24 PPG, 54 percent shooting, and 7.7 RPG. For some reason, this makes no sense to me whatsoever. I would figure that, if anybody could do it, that Rasheed would put the clamps on KG.

Rip Hamilton: I love retelling the story of how Rip once said: "I know before I get the ball if the shot is going in or not." Why do basketball players make ridiculous statements like that? It would be like some idiot saying that this year's Lakers team is the best squad Kobe Bryant's ever been on. Oh, wait. Anyway, either Rip was slightly overstating things or somebody removed his Nostradamus gene (and maybe his kidney!) in his sleep last night, because The Phantom of Auburn Hills missed eight of his 13 shot attempts.

Theo Ratliff: Remember when he was all talking trash to Rashard Lewis and the Magic? That was his high point of the postseason. Since then, it's all been downhill like an out-of-control yellow snowball. Last night's Herculean performance was more like The Three Stooges Meet Hercules, or maybe Hercules In New York: 2 fouls and zero-for-everything-else in just under four minutes. On the bright side, he had a better +/- score (+4) than any of the Detroit starters. By far.

The Zoo Crew: Ah, the Pistons bench is so deep...it's unfathomable! Ha, ha! I vill be here all ze week. But seriously, the Zoo Crew -- Amir Johnson, Arron Afflalo, Jarvis Hayes, Jason Maxiell, and Rodney Stuckey -- played more like the Get Along Gang last night. They combined for 11 points, 7 rebounds, 2 assists, and 3 DNP-CDs. And even that's deceiving, since 9 of the points came from Stuckey, and both assists came from Mad Maxiell. (How did Stuckey, the backup point guard, finish with zero assists?) The other dudes spent the game shining the pine and passing out Gatorade. Which, don't get me wrong, is totally important. Gotta keep those starters hydrated.

Update! The Etroit defense: I'm an idiot sometimes. I wrote about this in today's NBA Closer column and then totally forgot about it for WotN. But, as always, Wild Yams was here to remind me: "I honestly did not see that coming last night. Take out the huge FT advantage for the Pistons in the first half and they basically got routed. They pointed this out after the game, but the Pistons' vaunted defense surrendered 52.2% shooting to the Celtics, and the C's outscored Detroit 44-22 in the paint. If the Pistons can't D up any better than that, they're gonna lose this series for sure. I was gonna say they'd get swept if they continued to D up like that, but then I remembered what Boston's looked like on the road in these playoffs." It's all true. And somewhat mystifying. Rust can affect jump shots, but it shouldn't affect defense, which is mostly a product of effort and concentration.

Flip Saunders, quote machine: The Flipster did some verbal gymnastics while trying to explain why his team looked so out of synch last night. "It wasn't a matter of rust as we had too many mental mistakes. We weren't in the right situations on some offensive sets. We weren't in the right situations on some defensive rotations. When you do that, it messes up the whole team and the whole team looks a step slow." Now, I forget...who's supposed to get the Pistons in the right situations on offense and defense?

Ray Allen: Can we even call what Ray-Ray's going through a "slump" anymore? His jump shot is more cadaverous than Hugh Hefner. I think it's safe to announce the time of death and arrange the funeral. I wonder of Paul Bearer is available to give the eulogy...


Update! Here's some extra observation from Stephanie G: "Surreal moment of Game 1: Ray Allen passing to Rajon Rondo for the wide open three. I'm pretty sure most people had this play reversed when it came to imagining how the playoffs would go a couple months ago. But isn't it beautiful to watch the Boston crowd cringe every time Ray Allen looks like he may be attempting an actual jump shot? And each time the release looks so smooth, so graceful...and when it doesn't even hit the rim the crowd's nervous energy is palpable and I'm just watching it on TV. I think Ray-Ray is starting to get mind fucked by his own fans. I sensed it during the Cavs series and it has to be a mental block by this point. Lean, pure shooters like this are supposed to last forever, right? Allen has to be getting the worst stage fright imaginable everytime he gets a wide open look. Poor guy."

Tony Allen: Hmm, only 25 seconds of PT? Swing your arms from side to side, come on, it's time to go...do the mario! [/Super Mario Bros. Super Show]

Sam Cassell: DNP-CD. E.T. spent seven months trying to get bought out by the Clippers for this?! He and Mighty Mouse need to form a championship piggyback support group.

Bill Belichick, dirty perv: Wow. How many things are wrong with the following picture? The fact that Bill showed up to the Celtics game with the woman he cheated on his wife with, Sharon Shennoca? That Shennoca looks like she could be a Batman super villain named Mistress Mummy or maybe Fraulein Leatherface? That his son (?) looks like he's hopped up on Vicodin? That Jay and Silent Bob's posse are seated behind them? I mean, jeez, take your pick.


Oh, and Ms. Shenocca? I suggest you use some of your super mummy powers on Mr. Bill, because he's got eyes on a couple younger hotties. And the dancer on the right has to be thinking something that rhymes with "flirty mold pan."


Mike D'Antoni: First of all, holy crap! The Bulls got the first pick in the NBA draft! Sure, they could have sucked the chrome off of R2D2's robo-schlong last season, but little did we know they were losing with purpose. Boo-ya, baby! Now, Mike D'Antoni have been a part of that, could have started a whole new generation of Fun-N-Gun in Chicago, but nooooooooo. He went for the $$ and decided to take the helm of the Good Ship Knickerbocker. Good call, Mikey Boy. Good call.

And his "I just swallowed a big turd" reaction when the Knicks got the sixth pick? Pure, undistilled rad. As Basketbawful reader Jin put it: "I signed on this morning to see the Bulls won the draft lottery with something like a 1.7% chance of doing so, and the first thing I thought to myself was: 'Oh shit, D'antoni's gotta be pissed.' My friend hit me with this incredibly awesome picture within seconds of that (see below). I dunno if you've seen it before, but it's all five flavors of awesome. I think the fact that D'antoni kind of looks like the Monopoly Man adds to the humor or his tight lipped grimace." Yup, yup, and yup. Go directly to jail Madison Square Garden, Mike. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not get a chance to be happy ever again.

Labels: Bill Belichick, Boston Celtics, Chauncy Billups, Detroit Pistons, Flip Saunders, Mike D'Antoni, NBA playoffs, Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen, Rip Hamilton, Worst of the Night, Zoo Crew