Kapono nuts

I'm not gonna lie: I hurt. My eyeballs feel hairy. My body hates my brain...and vice versa. This must be what Kwame Brown feels like every day of his life. Anyway, here's the first-ever 100 percent reader submission post. Mucho thanks to everybody who contributed. I didn't have the energy necessary to create graphics to split up the days, so I just put things kinda-sorta into Friday-Saturday-Sunday order. I'm pretty sure I didn't miss anybody, but if I did, my total bad. Feel free to drop a line or make a comment, and I'll update the post. By the way, Shayan of Mediocre Forever provided the pic. Now, let's get this party started.

Larry Hughes: From Dr. Hank Pym: "I don't think anyone can sum this up better than Seth from the Knicks blog Posting and Toasting: "Mike Miller landed on his leg awkwardly at one point and looked ready to limp off the floor. The ball was still in play though, and Larry Hughes seized the opportunity to drive to the basket...where he got soundly stuffed by Miller. Ladies and gentlemen, a new low in aerial ego assault: The Gimp Swat."

Hopelessly naive sports reporting: From Ruben: "In this 'story' about Charlie Villanueva, Yahoo 'rumors' comes off as so naive. They don't seem to have heard about the contract year phenomenon:

Charlie Villanueva is finally living up to his potential as a first-round pick and he stands to cash in when it comes times to negotiate a new deal with the Milwaukee Bucks, according to the Boston Globe.

Since his arrival in the league, the former UConn star has had a reputation of not playing hard and has been the subject of trade rumors since he entered the league.
"This is the same kind of 'objective' reporting as the stories that say: Despite Iverson being injured, the Pistons are playing better."

James Harden: From tony.bluntana: "I realize this is college hoops and, that it'll probably get lost in the sea of weekend comments and submissions, but this is what James Harden (Pac-10 Player of the Year) said about getting his potential game-winning layup blocked by USC's Taj Gibson in the Pac-10 championship game: 'They play a unique style of defense. They play man and they guard their man.' Is that really "unique"? To play man, and actually do it?" [Mike 'Antonio wants this guy on the phone IMMEDIATELY. -Basketbawful]

The Toronto Raptors: From Jon Steinberg of Raptors Nation Online: "The Toronto Raptors: Free courtside tickets, a really hot date, and a Need for Sheed (I was looking forward to seeing his pre-game dance live) were barely enough to get me to Friday’s game at the Air Canada Centre. In what is quickly becoming the most bawful season in Raptors history, and that includes the Oliver Miller and Zan Tabak years, master playmaker Rip Hamilton racked up 16 assists leading the Sheed-less Iverson-less Pistons to a 99-95 victory over Toronto. Chris Bosh's 11-for-31 shooting didn't help the Raptors’ chances of winning or the fans' growing impatience with the much maligned star. Neither seemed to bother the 'cougar' groupie behind me who incessantly shrieked 'Go Chrissy!!' every time Bosh got a touch. The yelling, (or maybe it was the inevitable outcome?) was enough to cause a publicized Need For Weed and early exit for the young hoodlums to the left of me; they skipped out on overtime and The Crap-tors 7th straight defeat. All in all, a perfect night and I can now cross another item off my Bucket List. Watch aimless NBA team go through the motions and play out the schedule. Let's Go Raptors!"

The MSU-Tennessee championship game: From DKH: "I've got another NCAA basketball nomination. A space of about three game seconds in the MSU-Tennessee championship game produced this play-by-play"

0:11 Foul on Barry Stewart
0:11 J.P. Prince made Free Throw.
0:11 J.P. Prince missed Free Throw.
0:11 Tennessee Offensive Rebound.
0:10 Tennessee 30 Second Timeout.
0:10 Tennessee Turnover.
0:08 Dee Bost Turnover.
0:08 J.P. Prince Turnover.
0:08 Dee Bost Steal.
0:08 Foul on Tyler Smith.
"That's two fouls and three turnovers in three seconds. Special consideration to J.P. Prince for bonking a free throw that would have tied the game, as well as his turnover. Even more consideration to the officials at the game. They managed to call a blocking foul on Tenn where there was no contact, miscall a travel as a foul on MSU, and call a 5 second violation in less than 4 seconds on an inbounds pass. Further, the clock failed to start on 3 consecutive plays. This all in the final minute of the game, which was one of the most painful basketball minutes I've ever watched. All around fail."

NBA Officials #66 Haywoode Workman, #22 Bill Spooner, #49 Tom Washington: From Jenna: "I think Charley Rosen of Fox Sports said it best: 'With the fourth-quarter time-clock down to a single digit and the Jazz up by two, the refs actually stole the game from Utah with a horrible call. In a rebounding scrum, the ball clearly bounced off the shin-bone of Udonis Haslem, but the ball was awarded to the home team. Funny how neither of the Heat's TV announcers mentioned this mistake, even though several replays from several angles offered undeniable proof that the refs had erred.' Miami Heat fans send their love to Workman, Spooner, and Washington. Their outstanding efforts won the game for El Heat!"

The San Antonio Spurs: From AnacondaHL: "After holding Houston to a 15-point 2nd quarter, they allowed a 17-2 run while missing 9 of 10 of their own. And in showing the Rockets 'how to finish a game like a championship contender' (AP recap), by allowing not one, not two, but three critical offensive rebounds in the final 75 seconds and watching two three-point shot attempts to send it into overtime by a team that was shooting 7-for-14 from beyond the arc in the first three quarters."

The Houston Rockets: More from AnacondaHL: "Lucky for the Spurs, they were facing the Rockets, who were doing their best Knee-Mac 4th quarter suck impression. Another home court rally was wasted, capped by the aforementioned two missed three-pointers. But never fear, Yao had some encouraging words for this feel-good loss: 'That's a good lesson for us. We know we cannot make any mistakes in the playoffs. It's just that last couple of possessions of the game. We didn't execute, and that is the difference between the great teams and the good teams.' Or the difference between teams that can get out of the first round and teams that can't."

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Still more from AnacondaHL: "Lucky for the Suns, they were facing the 'prove that your team is back by handily beating us' team. Considering the standard for success was set at 140 points, I suppose the Thunder deserve some credit for holding the Suns to only 106, including a 34-point 4th quarter (as opposed to 37 points). Nash had some disgruntled words about the team's feel-bad win: 'We didn't have a great performance, but we found a way to win in the fourth quarter, which is where we've been lacking the last two weeks.' Something about this makes me think that the Suns will not win a single overtime game for the remainder of the season."

Mavs-Lakers: From Tim P: "So I dunno if you are watching the college games today or went with NBA for some reason. I chose the Lakers-Mavs after watching the Flyers (don't say a word, yes I do watch some hockey) and after spending yesterday with a full slate of college games...I just wanted to let ya know, if you are missing this game, you are missing a chance to absolutely piss yourself laughing. The Lakers had the game in hand almost the entire time, leading by 15 midway through the third, and making the Mavs look like they were the local wheelchair/blind/women's Greek league D-League team. Than all of a sudden, Kobe and Co. decided to let Dallas go on what I believe is currently a 24-5 run. And Jason Terry has figured prominently in that, hitting three pointers at a clip that might make your precious Larry Legend wide-eyed. I'll say it for you: HAND IN THE FACE GUYS!!"

Pacers versus Raptors: Shayan of Mediocre Forever provided the following nominations:

Raptors ended their seven game skid, and on Danny Granger's first game back, he got treated to this posterization by The Matrix.

Our new addition, Pops Mensah-Bonsu scored a career-high 21 points- 4 of his 5 field goals were dunks, went 11 of 13 from the line and grabbed 8 boards.

Jim O'Brien, unintentional dirty quote: "They played a really great game. They just pounded us in every area."

The Raptors actually outrebounded a team for once, 55-38 which is a season high.

The Pacers came in two games out of the East's final playoff spot, and has now dropped three straight and four of five.

The Punchline: You ready for this? Tickets to Sunday's game, which was in Toronto, had a picture of Jermaine O'Neal on it, you know, even though he's in Miami now.
David Lee: From Brendan P: "G'day Basketbawful. I've got a WotW for ya. Check out David Lee's shot selection versus Minny and the Cavs: 11 -- count them -- 11 of his shots were blocked! That's disgraceful. I thought this was a professional basketball league?" [To add some perspective to Lee's feat, teammate Nate Robinson -- who's about three feet tall -- had only one shot blocked this weekend. -Basketbawful]

Stephen Jackson and Don Nelson: From DKH: "They both managed to get ejected on the same possession, in which Leandro Barbosa also got a layup and drew a foul, leading to six quick points for the Suns (1 tech on Jackson, 2 on Nelson). This resulted in a 20-point lead, and suddenly everyone watching knew the game was out of reach. (Actually, it was probably out of reach before Nelson's techs, and he just didn't want to be there anymore.)"

Golden State centers? GS management? More from DKH: "Someone deserves the blame for this team's utter inability to deal with Shaq. Shaq was able to operate pretty much at will in the paint, amassing 26 points on 13 shots with 4 rebounds and 2 assists. Louis Amundson also had 9 points on 7 shots, and also filled the stat sheet with 4 rebounds, an assist, three steals, and 2 blocks."

The broadcasters: Still more DKH: "I don't know who the broadcast team was for the game, but the game was also analysis-optional, as they were cheerleading for Monta Ellis, who finished with a game-worst -35."

The Golden State Warriors: From Stephanie G: "Regarding the Warriors, Hubie Brown said "they're at the mercy of Admundson now." Pretty sure this belongs on some sort of top ten signs your team is getting pounded list or something The Warriors gave up 46 points in a single quarter. 88 points in two. That's impressive. They'd have trouble doing that again if they tried. Which they weren't."

Larry Hughes: From AnacondaHL: "The Cleveland crowd could only smile in seeing a blast from the past. 6-for-17 shooting (35%) in 38 minutes, and plenty of cheers on each miss."

The New York Knicks: From AnacondaHL: "The Phoenix Suns fans watching this game could only smile in seeing a blast from the past: All starters playing 38+ minutes, getting double-digit scoring, only three bench players for 8 points total, Mike 'Antoni walking around confused with crossed arms, and a game loss."

David Lee: From AnacondaHL: "He got his ball sent back to sender five times, leading to 5-16 shooting. In other news, Basketbawful will be funding the inclusion of BA's as a tracked and sortable statistic on basketball-reference, and you can contribute to the 'Yao Watch Fund.' (Fake editor's note: This is completely awesome, but unfortunately false.)"

LeBron James, agreeing with himself machine: From AnacondaHL: "Said LeBron 'Please, please read between the lines' James in an awkward naked locker room interview: 'I feel like my individual play affects our team, and the way we're playing basketball I can agree to that.' Not only can he agree to his own words, but he has made a correlation between his strong season and the Cavs strong team record! Stunning. Do they already have a locker reserved for LeBron at MSG?"

The Phoenix Suns vs The Golden State Warriors: From AnacondaHL: "It sounded like hype, a run-and-gun showdown between two small teams with nothing to lose, but a blistering 74-72 halftime score. But you knew there'd be touble when the halftime stats were brought to you by The Fast and the Furious 4. "

Stephen Jackson: From AnacondaHL: "Why was Stephen Jackson ejected from the game?"

A) He cheated.
B) Bad referees.
C) He's crazy.
D) It is written.
The Golden State Warriors: From AnacondaHL: "Well here's the 140-point game I was looking for. Highlights include three Suns players flirting with a triple-double, a Jason Richardson revenge game (31 points on 11-15, 4-5 threes), and a Don Nelson nerd rage ejection. More fun garbage time gems in a 154-130 final, which is high enough for the highest scoring game this season -- Robin Lopez missing a dunk, and a completely errant alley-oop attempt that caused this reaction:

whaaaaa
I'm flattered, really, but don't do that again.


ESPN360.com and Billy Mays: From AnacondaHL: "In what may be the strangest, most awkward, most amazing advertising move, ESPN360.com has launched a series of commercials featuring our favorite bearded infomercialist, Billy Mays. Here's the one they played most often:


"Now watching basketball is way less soul crushing. All can be found here."

Snickers: From AnacondaHL: "More commercial madness in garbage time, this time courtesy of Snickers, Master P, and Patrick Ewing. This...


"...was followed immediately by:


"I never thought TV would leave me speechless like the Internet, but there it is."

Friday lacktivity report: Chris endures:

Magic-Wizards: Olexsiy Pecherov technically didn't get a trillion, after accruing a rebound. But a stint of a minute and four seconds qualifies him for the not-so-latest in gaming technology, a Mario 64!

Pistons-Raptors: Talk about a highly unanticipated big man matchup - Kwame Brown vs. Jake Voskuhl! Both regular lacktators earned the same exact variant of the latter's namesake stat, a 4:3 Madsen-level Voskuhl - Kwame via two fouls and two giveaways against three rebounds in 10:23, and Jake via three fouls and a turnover (as well as three bricks!) in 8:47.

Mr. Voskuhl himself wasn't the only one to provide a failtacular level of skill to the great anticipation of the Craptor fans at Air Canada Centre, as Joey Graham cracked a +4 in 14:30 via a foul and three bricks (including one from downtown).

Rockets-Bobcats: Cartier Martin can now afford a pair of Air Jordans, as he did his boss proud with on-court earnings of 2.53 trillion tonight.

Pacers-Hawks: Josh McRoberts may be the key to saving the financially struggling Indiana franchise, if he can convert his 1.75 trillion fortune from this evening into actual money for Larry Bird's sake. But he wasn't the only one to take a paycheck home worth that much, as Thomas Gardner stepped in to provide lacktivity after All-Lacktion notable Mario West took four boards to ruin a seven minute insomnia-curing appearance.

Knicks-Wolves: Mark Madsen's reputation for garnering Voskuhls may be a bit overstated, as he doesn't appear in the reports as often as expected. However, it's hard to overstate his latest game's impact on his forthcoming tax return, as he earned a full 5.5 TRILLION -- possibly the biggest windfall in the Association so far for the calendar year!

Mavs-Warriors: Matt Carroll's back in lacktion with a one-giveaway +1 in 2:41. Andris Biedrins's stats do add up to a Voskuhl but this seems to have been caused by an injury (and thus does not count in the books.)

Nets-Blazers: While Keyon Dooling's failtacular eight-brick performance is noteworthy, he negated lacktivity with a block and two assists. So compatriot Josh Boone stepped onto the floor to provide New Jersey a blank check worth 1.65 trillion.
Saturday lacktivity report: Chris prevails:

Bobcats-Wolves: DeSagana Diop did rebound once in his 5:01 of playing time, only to foul twice (with no shot attempts) for a 2:1 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Spurs-Rockets: BREAKING LACKTION NEWS! Bruce Bowen, who had marred the early promise of a trillionaire championship with many seasons of contributory basketball, was able to put up a vintage non-performance that King Koopa and Toad will no doubt be pleased with, a FOUR-SECOND SUPER MARIO!

Bowen had hinted at returning to his lacktive form in recent weeks but this stunningly brief showing as Popovich's human victory cigar rivals even that of this generation's All-Lacktion roster. Fabricio Oberto may be the Spurs' go-to man for wasted seconds, all right. He's got plenty more to learn though to truly make his name as an all-time lacktator...

Hornets-Bulls: Whenever the Notorious VDN gets the once-in-a-blue-moon chance to utilize human victory cigars, he makes the most of his opportunities. Lindsey Hunter and Linton Johnson each sucked it up for +1 in 3:26, Hunter with a brick from the heart of the Chicago Loop, and Johnson with a foul. (Anthony Roberson nearly joined them with a three-brick run, only to negate it with a board.)

Clippers-Nuggets: Alex Acker added 1.25 trillion in earnings to Donald Sterling's savings account, while in the same time period (1:15), Jason Hart missed a shot to give Denver a +1.
Sunday lacktivity report: Chris abides:

Pacers-Raptors: With a brick in his 6:18 stint, Rasho Nesterovic ended up with a Madsen-level 2:1 Voskuhl (two fouls vs. one rebound). He wasn't the only big man to play sloppily for Indiana, as Roy Hibbert's 10:35 was marked with a 3:2 Voskuhl (two fouls and a giveaway against one made field goal).

Ironically, the man whose name graces the aformentioned negative stat, Jake Voskuhl, did not record one of his own - but in 4:37, bricked once for a +1 suck differential.

Celtics-Bucks: "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Since Milwaukee's M.A.S.H Unit proved too much of a nut for the C's to crack, they opted instead to play for the same lacktator stats that the team of Dan Gadzuric and Damon Jones have compiled at times this season. Bill Walker ambled his way to a +2 in 4:36 via giveaway and foul, while JR Giddens and Gabe Pruitt will be putting on overalls and tossing spiked Koopa shells at each other tonight, due to twin 23 second Marios!

The Bucks didn't forget their own lacktion, having Gadzuric himself foul twice for +2 in 2:08 -- also good enough for a 2:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl (as predicted by the original Voskuhl article on 'bawful!).

Blazers-Hawks: You know you're not playing winning basketball when you send out a forward (Nicolas Batum) who came within one assist of a +5 in over sixteen minutes! Of course, he didn't get there, but Jerryd Bayless did get on tonight's ledger with a +3 in 10:09 via a giveaway and TWO misses from the charity stripe.

Meanwhile, Acie Law (via a rebound and assist) and Mario West (through three rebounds) failed to deliver on lacktivity, giving Randolph Morris the chance to play the clean-up bench spot and earn a +1 in 2:31 with a turnover, also counting as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Heat-Sixers: Reggie Evans and Theo Ratliff each fouled once for +1 in their respective appearances (6:24 and 3:37). Ratliff's suck differential even earned him a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl!

Jazz-Magic: Despite an assist in 8:08, Jarron Collins earned a Madsen-level Voskuhl of 1:0 (foul against two bricks).

Knicks-Cavs: Danilo Gallinari may be playing for Mike 'antoni, but against the Crabs, he certainly didn't show any extreme prejudice in favor of offense. He bricked once and took a foul for +2 in 5:47.

Clippers-Nets: Chris Douglas-Roberts is putting up a fine season as a lacktator, and a 47 second Mario (with a bonus brick) only highlights his All-Lacktion status further.
Kobe Bryant: Mamba wouldn't leggo my Eggo.

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21 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
That Jazz loss in Miami was painfull... even with all the Home cooking and bogus fouls, that was a major choking. Better said, DOUBLE-choking.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Gah! You keep using my real name! My Internet secret identity is ruined! Back to the batcave!

Blogger Wild Yams said...
It should be pointed out that in yesterday's Mavs-Lakers game that despite going on that huge run and turning a 15 point deficit into a 6 point 4th quarter lead, the Mavs still lost by 7. Mr. Bawful, you've got to do something with this picture from today's Daily Dime over on ESPN.

Also, I know it was a 100% reader submission post, but the Celtics losing to the Bucks probably should get a mention somewhere. So should the Pistons "honoring" their deceased owner, Bill Davidson, with a home loss to the f'ing Grizzlies. I know Sheed and Iverson didn't play, but come on, it's Memphis we're talking about, a team that had only won 4 road games this whole year prior to yesterday.

It should also be pointed out that after all the complaining Bill Simmons has done about Dunleavy always putting in Steve Novak for the last play of the game when the Clippers are looking for a last second shot to win, it looks like it finally paid off when Novak hit the game winning three yesterday against the Nets after being inserted for the game's final five seconds. Of course, unlike the other times when Dunleavy has done this, this time Novak actually got some playing time in the second half prior to being inserted with the game on the line.

Anonymous Dan B. said...
Bawful - You only have roughly half the symptoms of feeling like Kwame Brown. You don't fight through a nagging sense of innate failure to live up to expectations, and you haven't thrown a cake at anyone (as far as I know).

Wild Yams - Novak finally hitting a game winner proved two things: 1) it's a good idea for someone to not be absolutely, positively ice cold before dragging them off the bench to jack up a three at the last second, and 2) even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
jesus just hire anaconda already.

on second thought, don't because he wasn't really that funny at all

Blogger Wild Yams said...
I think Kwame has possibly been unfairly impugned for that whole cake incident. Considering the way the guy fumbles basketballs on a nightly basis, he might have just been trying to hold that cake and instead it flew out of his hands.

Anonymous Tim said...
From the NBA.com power rankings....

"The Grizz ended a 1-12 string with a win in Detroit on Sunday as Darko Milicic put up a double-double (in just 20 minutes of action) in the building where he led the Pistons to a championship."

Right... in the same way George Harrison led the Beatles to being the biggest band of all time....

Blogger chris said...
Wild Yams: After the choke to the Crabs, a cold Steve Novak remains a better option in the clutch than Z-Bo From Outer Space.

And Iverson not playing SHOULD have helped the Pistons beat the Bucks, too...

Anonymous AK Dave said...
I feel like somebody is scratching on a turntable when I continuously read: "From from AnacondaHL"

Also I totally blew my chance to try my hand at blogging on Basketbawful, but I was way too "caught up in life" this weekend.

So do we get a "Matt McHale" WoTW mention for downing 4 shots in a row, doing a standing jump-kick, and then telling the rookie to pay for it?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@Tim

Harrison was way more to the Beatles than Darko was to the Pistons. He wrote and sang some of my favorite beatles songs including 'as my guitar gently weeps' and 'here comes the sun'. He might have been a 'bench player', but he contributed- more than Ringo, that's for sure.

I think a more apt analogy would be:

"right... in the same way that Mark Madsen led the Lakers to a NBA title"

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Nice Super Troopers reference there, AK :) "Didn't your momma teach you how to chug?"

Anonymous DKH said...
I thought someone else (who saw more of the game than the highlights) would be all over this but here goes:

Worst-of to the Heat for allowing Donyell Marshall to score 10 points and grab 5 rebounds in just 11 minutes of playing time. 9 of those points came as Marshall was 3 of 5 on 3-pointers, and he finished with a game-best +15. Marshall is a lifetime 35% 3-point shooter, and Danny Ferry wishes Marshall produced this much while he was with the Cavs.

Worst-of to Wade, who didn't do much for his MVP candidacy as he scored 18 points on 21 shots, and matched his assists with an equal number of turnovers, finishing -6 for the game.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
"I don't want a 'large Farva', I want a liter of goddamned COLA!"

Instant classic.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
gah. No one seemed to mention Donyell Marshall's corpse outscoring the heat 10-9 by himself in the 4th quarter. I suppose the heat were tired after the triple OT thriller but still....

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Not to make too many excuses for the Heat, but not only did Saturday's game go in Miami to 3 OT periods, but Sunday's game in Philly was at 1 PM EST. A back to back on the road day game is bad enough, but when you factor in the three OTs, I think maybe they can get a slight pass. Maybe the NBA's schedule makers deserve a mention more than El Heat do.

Anonymous LakerNation said...
WHOA!!!!You have that lakers vs mavs game all wrong. Yes the lakers were up by a soul crushing 15 points ,but they only lost that lead after subing out all their starters. Once they were subbed back in they reversed a 6 point defecit into a 7 point lead.

And what about Jason Terry's dramtic overstatement after the game “If it’s the team we have to face down the line,” Terry said, “we’re confident we can make it a knockout series.” Since when does losing a game actually make you feel better about meeting them in the playoffs. I gurantee one thing Mavs vs Lakers in the playoff will be a knockouts series ,but definately not the way Terry planned (Yeah this is coming from a Laker fan hyped up off coffee)

Anonymous Jamie said...
Pops Mensah Bonsu = Beans Hump Spoons

Blogger tony.bluntana said...
Yams, thank you for that picture.

Is Mamba stink-palming, AND mocking Odom there?

Blogger BadDave said...
I'll take 13 road beers.....to go.

And the Boilers win the Big Ten baby! But don't get too excited, because God still hates Indiana teams - soon to be proven in the dance.

Blogger brian said...
Seriously, no post on the C's loss to the Bucks? Coming from a Milwaukeean, I hoped you guys would at least rag on pierce a lil bit for his 58% from the line, or scoring only 77 points to a sub .500 team that's minus their two best players.

In the words of Gob, COME ON!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I think I just received my first fan-disappreciation comment. That officially makes me a BasketBawful author! Now I want to get paid, in addition to having the title "Chief Internet Media Relations and Security Officer".

Worst of the Edit goes to me, for writing my stuff in a meta-linear fashion despite knowing it'd be edited down and chopped up with everyone else's submissions.

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