The Bizarro Bulls: Allow me, if you will, to steal a little content from myself. Imagine if a Bulls fan had used the Hot Tub Time Machine to travel from some time last October to right before last night’s tipoff against the Grizzlies in Memphis. They’d probably think they had traveled to some horrific alternate reality instead of through time.

After all, Chicago opened this season with a core group of Derrick Rose (out with a sprained wrist), Joakim Noah (out with plantar fasciitis), Luol Deng (out with a strained calf muscle), Kirk Hinrich (serving a one-game suspension), John Salmons (traded to Milwaukee) and Tyrus Thomas (traded to Charlotte).

In the absence of that core group -- which includes the team’s current four leading scorers -- the Bizarro Bulls opened last night’s game with a starting lineup of Brad Miller, Taj Gibson, Flip Murray, Acie Law and Jannero Pargo. After giving it some serious thought, I came to conclusion that it was the worst lineup I’d seen since 1998-99 when Chicago finished the season with a starting lineup of Tony Kukoc, Ron Harper, Dickey Simpkins, Rusty LaRue and Cory Carr.

That's some serious bawful.

Of course, the Grizzlies promptly sunk to the occasion, letting Flip Murray and Acie "I am the" Law stroll in for uncontested layups, committing seven early turnovers and falling behind 20-10. When they finally woke up in the second quarter, they went on a 17-0 run and took a 55-44 halftime lead. That lead bulged to 25 points in the third quarter...and then Memphis hit the snooze button.

The Grizzlies opened the fourth quarter by missing 10 of their first 12 shots -- which included two sweet blocks by James Johnson -- and committing 5 turnovers. Chicago rampaged all the way back from that 25-point hole to within four points (94-90) with under three minutes to go in the game.

Then things came undone, thanks primarily to...

Jannero Pargo: If I didn’t know better, I’d wonder whether somebody in the Memphis front office had slipped paid off Pargo to throw the game. Not did he shoot the ball like somebody had just rammed fish hooks in his eyes (4-for-15 from the field and 0-for-4 from downtown), but Jannero committed three of his co-game-high 5 turnovers in the final 2:27. That included turnovers on back-to-back possessions, which led to a hook shot and layup for Zach Randolph that pushed the Memphis lead to 98-90.

After Hasheem Thabeet hit a shot on the Grizzlies' next possession to put Memphis ahead 100-90, the game was pretty much over. I just hope Grizzlies coach Lionel Hollins did the right thing and gave Pargo the game ball. He was their MVP down the stretch.

That's eight straight losses for the Bulls, by the way. Chicago is now 1.5 games behind Toronto for the eigth and final Eastern Conference playoff spot.

ESPN highlights guy, unintionally dirty quote machine: From the Bulls-Griz highlight video: "That's a man's jam!"

Feel free to join me in saying, "Eww."

The Charlotte Bobcats: With a win over the Pacers in Indy, the Bobcats could have set a new franchise record with their seventh straight victory. However, the odds were against them (fifth game in eight days) and the situation was grim (Gerald Wallace missed his second consecutive game with an injured left ankle). The result was a 99-94 loss to a team that was headed for the NBA Draft Lottery months ago. Maybe not mathematically, but c'mon.

Said Stephen Jackson: "It wasn't really fatigue. We were missing shots, and we didn't let our defense be the catalyst of our game. We worried about our offense first, and didn't start playing defense until the fourth quarter. On the road, you can't get down and try to play catch-up."

Listen to him. Captain Jack came to Charlotte from Gol_en State. He practically has a doctorate in "Worrying About Offense First."

Of course, I suppose I could give the Pacers their own entry for almost squandering a 15-point fourth quarter lead.

Said Mike Dunleavy Jr.: "You have to close out games. Those guys are going to stick around and hang tough. We made some silly mistakes, took some bad fouls and made it closer than we would have liked."

It's always an adventure in Indiana. But not the fun kind of adventure where you find some fabulous treasure and get the girl. It's usually more of a misadventure where you end up face-first in a ditch.

Anyway, Charlotte gave up 22 points off 19 turnovers and missed 11 free throws, so the game was lost due to sloppy play. And no play was sloppier than the one made by...

Boris Diaw: The 'Cats actually had the ball and a chance to tie the game with less than a half-minute left in the game, but Boris committed a turrible turnovers, throwing the ball right to Indiana's Troy Murphy with 20 ticks to go.

Charlotte coach Larry Brown actually tried to deflect blame away from Diaw: "I tried to call timeout. We got kind of confused. That was my fault. I thought we maybe could get a two for one, but when there is indecision like that, I've got to be more responsible."

Uh, okay. Unless Brown dressed Murphy in a Bobcats jersey, I'm pretty sure it's Diaw's fault he didn't realize Troy wasn't on his team. But way to take one for the team, Larry.

Tyson Chandler: Yesterday on his blog, Chandler said: "I came back to the [Bobcats] on March 5th and we beat the Lakers that night. Since then, we've won our last six games."

Next thing you know, the 'Cats lose to the Pacers. Stat curse!

The Cleveland Cavaliers: Don't let the final score of their 113-101 win over the Pistons fool you...this game was freaky close until the final minutes. There were 10 lead changes and 21 ties. Heck, the game was tied with 4:44 left. Detroit just couldn't hold on.

Said Charlie V.: "We were trying to redeem ourselves, so this is very frustrating. It's encouraging to see us compete like this, but it is still another loss."

The game might have been over a lot sooner if the Crabs had been able to get some stops, or even if they hadn't bricked so many foul shots. I mean, they went 22-for-33 and Shaq didn't even play. I guess Shaqnopsis is an incurable disease.

LeBron's first three quarters: Another factor that helped keep Detroit in the game was how 'Bron went 5-for-15 through three quarters. James missed 10-of-15 shots over the first three quarters. Of course, he was 5-for-7 with 4 boards and 3 dimes in the fourth and ended up with his 28th career triple double (29-12-12).

Officiating: Man, it's good to be the most protected player in the league King, huh? With about seven minutes left in the fourth, King Crab hit a layup and got the "And 1!" Just one problem, though: Tayshaun Prince fouled LeBron just inside the three-point arc. It was the worst continuation I've seen since Larry Johnson's infamous four-point play. Check it out here. Fast forward to the 1:04 mark.

Said Will Bynum: "I'm not surprised by any call in the NBA any more, but you also have to give him some credit. There's probably no one else on Earth who could have even gotten a shot off like that." Or who would have been allowed to get it off.

But wait, there's more. With just under two minutes to go and the Pistons trailing 104-101, it looked like Bynum was going to score a breakaway layup to pull Detroit to within a point...but LeBron's uncalled goaltend put a stop to that:


Like I said, it's good to be the most protected player in the league King.

The Miami Heat: In losing at home to the Spurs, the Heat missed a chance to leapfrog the Bobcats for the 6th spot in the Eastern Conference playoff race. It probably won't matter much in the end, since Miami finishes the season with nine straight games against sub-.500 teams. But for one night at least, the loss was a pretty big bummer.

The Heat shot 38 percent from the field and went 3-for-16 from three-point range, which might explain why they fell behind by 25 points in the third quarter. That's a pretty big hole to rally out of...and they didn't.

Said James Jones: "We gave them too much of a lead, too much of a spot to try to make up. When you're playing a good team like that, you don't get very many chances to put them away. They showed it tonight."

The San Antonio Spurs: They led 69-44 with a couple minutes to go in the third quarter but let the Heat cut that lead down to six points in the fourth before pulling away again. The reason: turnovers. San Antonio gave up 23 points off 22 TOs. But they've been winning a lot lately (4-1 since Tony Parker got hurt) and have become the latest team to be described as "surging." Uh huh. You know what that means...

The New Jersey Nyets: Their 108-84 home loss to the Hawks -- in which the Devin Harris-less Nyets shot 38 percent, bricked eight free throws and gave up 22 points off only 16 turnovers -- was important because it was New Jersey's 60th loss of the season. The Nyets still need three wins in their last 15 games to avoid tying or breaking 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers' worst-ever win-loss record of 9-73.

Hope lives...IT LIVES!!!

Said Courtney Lee: "Today was a big letdown for us, we took a step back. We've been competitive on the road the last how many games have we played, but today was a big step back."

Wait, what? How many steps back can a 7-win team take? Aren't their asses already against the Wall of Bawful History? The bad news is...New jersey's schedule. They still have games left against the Bulls (twice), Kings, Pacers, Pistons, Sixers, Wizards.

Also, their last two games are against the Bobcats and Heat. Those games might be a wash for those teams if playoff positions have already been clinched. Bad as the Nyets are, I'd probably take them in a battle against the Charlotte and Miami benches.

Update! The Nyets are now 30-100 since Devin Harris said "We knew we were going to be a playoff team" way back on December 9, 2008. Thanks to chris for the reminder.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: 152 friggin' points. That's how many the Suns scored against the Timberpoops last night.

Said Minny coach Kurt Rambis: "Well, that's certainly what happens when you don't play any defense."

Added Ryan Gomes: "It's just embarrassing to let a team score that many points and still lose by that many points."

And here's some historical perspective on that courtesy of the Associated Press and ESPN Stats and Information:

Phoenix had eight players in double figures and set the NBA season high in scoring for a single game.

The Suns' 152 points are the most scored by any team this season and tied a U.S. Airways Center record originally set by the SuperSonics on January 22, 2006.

The Suns are the second team in the last 10 years to score 35-plus points in every quarter of a game (Nuggets vs. SuperSonics, March 16, 2008).

Phoenix scored 79 points in the first half. That's the second-most points scored in a half in the NBA this season, surpassed only by the 80-point second half for Milwaukee against Golden State on November 14. You knew Gol_en State was going to be brought into this somehow, right?

Oh, and regarding that 79-point first half: The Suns hadn't scored that many in a half since getting 80 in the second half in its 154-point game at Golden State back on March 15, 2009. You knew Gol_en State was going to be brought into this again, right?

Said Amar''''''e Stoudemire: "It was a lot of fun. It was so much fun when the starters were able to rest there in the fourth. We'll take that."

Not so much fun for the Timberpoops, who lost their 10th straight game. By the way, that's the longest active losing streak in the league.

Robin Lopez: Rough week for Robin. First Steve Nash's balls, now this...


Thanks to Basketbawful reader manic for the link.

The Washington Wizards Generals Bullets: The Nuggets were missing Chris Andersen (sprained left ankle) and Kenyon Martin (left knee tendinitis), and Ty Lawson didn't play for the ninth straight game since bruising his left shoulder. Oh, and Denver was on its second night of back-to-backs. Fortunately, the Bullets were in town. And even more fortunately, Washington's best player (Andray Blatch) left the game after twisting his ankle midway through the fourth quarter.

It also didn't help that the Bullets were at the end of a rather grueling stretch. Said Flip Saunders: "I thought we played pretty well for having five games in six nights, five different cities. We gave ourselves a chance. We just didn't have enough juice down the stretch."

Washington has now lost nine straight games for the first time since January 4-19, 2001.

Mr. Big Shot: From the AP game notes: "Chauncey Billups went 0-for-6 from 3-point range, ending a career-best streak of 36 games in which he had made at least one 3-pointer."

Shot selection: Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum combined to shoot 21-for-28 shots. Mamba was 10-for-26 (2-for-6 on treys). No wonder Gasol isn't happy. But hey, what's Pau complaining about? Just because Kobe's eighth on the Lakers in Effective Field Goal Percentage -- behind even Jordan Farmar, Ron Artest, Sasha Vujacic and Shannon Brown -- doesn't mean he shouldn't continue taking the most difficult shots possible. And it's very mature of Kobe not to "blast Gasol into oblivion" for behing disgruntled. Just ask Adrian Wojnarowski.

Speaking of Mamba, here's a belated man love pic from the Lakers-Warriors game. Thanks to anonymous Basketbawful reader who sent it in.

Actual caption: "Los Angeles Lakers' Kobe Bryant, left, and Golden State Warriors' Monta Ellis share a momentin the final seconds of their NBA basketball game."
Kings fans: Where were they last night? Not at Arco, that's for sure. And it freaked Carl Landry out: "I almost thought we were playing in the Staples Center. I've never seen anything like that before. To see that many Lakers fans out there was kind of disappointing."

Lacktion report: I will forgive chris for not showing up to the Lakers-Kings game to help keep the L.A. fans at bay...but only because of his dutiful commitment to lacktion reporting.

Spurs-Heat: Matt Bonner may have had one field goal in 12:55, but two turnovers and five fouls led to a 7:2 Voskuhl! Malik Hairston combed himself a treasure of 2.1 trillion (2:07), and Ian Mahinmi tossed a brick in 2:03 for a +1 suck differential.

Meanwhile, for Miami, Jamaal Magloire bricked once and added a rejection, foul, and turnover to the line for a +4 in 3:50 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Hawks-Nyets: Jason Collins took a sip of a foul and a giveaway for a +2 in 4:29 that also earned a 2:0 Voskuhl.

Bulls-Grizzlies: Joe Alexander went turnip-tossing in just 6 seconds to give Chicago a SUPER MARIO!

Lakers-Kings: Adam Morrison checked into the ledger tonight with a rejection and two bricks in 2:33 that earned a +3.

Labels: Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Miami Heat, Minnesota Timberwolves, officiating, San Antonio Spurs, utter defenselessness

"Why is the insect talking to me?"
The Sacramento Kings: I love how the AP recap of this game is titled "Wallace, Bobcats beat short-handed Kings 104-88." Yes, the Kings were missing Kevin Martin (sick of how badly his team sucks) and Andres Nocioni (rabies), and then they lost Rashad McCants (who surprisingly scored 30 points) to an ankle injury late in the fourth quarter. But let's face it: This team was destined to lose no matter how many healthy bodies they had to throw at the Bobcats. When a team is stuck on 14 wins a few short days before the vernal equinox, it's long past the time for making excuses for their ongoing craptastrophe. Now, if you haven't read that Kings fan's open letter to Bill Simmons, you should. That's some serious fandom right there. I'm stunned, literally stunned, that someone could still feel that much well-reasoned passion for this pitiful squad.

Update! Ash Haque left the following comment: "So the Kings are now 0-28 games against Eastern conference teams, with games against New York and Philly left from that conference. If they go 0-30 they should get a season long Bawful award for getting shut out by an entire conference for a whole 82 game season." Done. There absolutely will be a special award given out should that happen.

Gerald Wallace: From dunkside: "In the Kings-Bobcats game, all 5 of the Kings blocks came against Gerald Wallace. And they came from 4 different Kings players. I wonder if it ever happened before that a team has at least 5 blocks by at least 3 different players and they are all against the same player. It's like a block gangbang or something. Don't get me wrong, I do like Gerald Wallace's game, but I found this funny (as in kinda weird), especially since he's pretty athletic so he should be harder to block than, say, Adam Morrison's shot." But there's a difference there. Opposing team's WANT Morrison to shoot, whereas they want to stop Wallace from doing it, so they're more likely to try and stuff Gerald than Adam.

DeSagana Diop: Dude has a serious, perhaps terminal case of Shaqnopsis. Diop airballed not one, but two straight free throws in a 4-minute span of the second quarter. He eventually did hit one (going 1-for-4 on the night), which elicited a frenzy of joy from the Charlotte crowd. He is now 5-for-24 at the line since becoming a Bobcat.

Heat-Celtics: No Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen or Dwyane Wade. I'm pretty sure that's not what ESPN envisioned when they scheduled this game for prime time. But hey, it went to overtime, so it was a good game. Right?

Bill Walker: Basketbawful reader Sturla is not a fan. "Meet Bill Walker, Suckmachine. He plays about 12 minutes against the Heat and his +/- is -24. Meanwhile Big Baby of all people is +27." Bill just needs more shots.

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers clinched their fourth consecutive losing season by getting crushed at home by the Trail Blazers. (And trust me, the game wasn't as close as the final score indicates.) Indy has now dropped four straight games, the last three of which they've lost by a combined 47 points. So much for those dreams of a postseason appearance. Said coach Jim O'Brien: "We're quickly playing ourselves out of a playoff race is what it's coming down to. I would say the last three games it did not seem like we played with an urgency that the situation calls for. We as a group have to figure out why."

By the way, the Associated Press gets a wag of the finger in this entry for stating that the Pacers had clinched a "non-winning" season. Non-winning? That's still called losing, right? Or aren't we allowed to say that anymore? Maybe I won't say teams like Sacramento suck anymore. I'll just state that they provide extreme and consistent inward force. How's that?

The New York Knicks: They scored only 89 points and lost by 26 at home to a bad team that was missing an All-Star. They missed 15 of their 17 three-point attempts. They allowed the Nets to shoot nearly 60 percent from the field. Basically, it was an all-around failfest for the Knickerbockers. Said coach Mike 'Antoni: "It's very hard to point out one thing. I thought we were horrible in every facet of the game. We just didn't play." Not-so-random note: Larry Hughes scored 10 points on 3-for-11 shooting (i.e., he is who we thought he was).

The Milwaukee Bucks: The Bucks got pounded 106-80 at home by the Magic last night, and, believe it or not, this is a team that's fighting tooth and nail to earn the East's final playoff spot. Or I thought they were anyway. Milwaukee is five games into their season-high six-game homestand...and they're 2-3 in that stretch. Coach Scott Skiles provided the following cryptic explanation for his team's latest stink bomb: "I think there's a lesson learned here for us. Most sporting events are over before they even start, based on the mind-set of the teams that are playing and the players that are playing in it." Translation: My players didn't try. And people wonder why Scott's teams turn on him. (I'm not saying he's wrong, either. Just that pro ballers don't like their deficiencies pointed out in honest ways.)

Update! Ramon Sessions or the refs (depending on your point of view): From Junior: "No comments about the play #7? For me it was goaltending, but since it wasn't called it, the play becames a ego-ectomy that Sessions will never forget and will think twice before trying a jumper in front of D12." That was a close one, so I can see why the refs blew it. (Unless, of course, it was a belated makeup call for that three-seconds violation from the Magic-Crabs game.) But, since the goaltending was allowed, then yeah, I'll go with the ego-ectomy.


The Memphis Grizzlies...or the refs? Rubes commented: "So I know it is easy to pick on the Griz. I fully expect them to be on the site each and every day. However they do not belong on your WotN list for blowing a 10-point lead at home to Denver. They played great and deserved the win, but the 4th quarter was decided by the refs. The best example is at the 2:06 mark when Balkman bear hugs Gasol. Foul? Haha of course not, it's a jump ball. Hopefully you can get video evidence." I could't. Anybody got our back on this one?

Chauncey Billups, quote machine: Regarding how his team managed to pull out a comeback victory over a 17-win squad: "Defense, like it always is. Just defense. Just grinding. Buckling down. Having pride." Note that the Griz scored 109 points by shooting close to 50 percent from the field and almost 60 percent from downtown. But I guess the Nuggets approach defense the way Shaq deals with foul shooting: They play it when it counts.

The New Orleans Hornets: A win's a win, I guess. But a 1-point home victory over the Minnesota Timberpups isn't exactly a confidence-builder. And mind you, the Hornets nearly lost this game. They were down a point until David West dunked one home with 12.6 seconds left. (Randy Foye missed a 17-footer at the buzzer.) Remember, this is a team with, essentially, a one-man bench (maybe a two-man bench)...and Peja Stojakovic has been out eight games with a sore back.

Timeout entertainment gone wrong: From the AP game notes: "A Hornets employee appeared to dislocate his ankle after using a trampoline to dunk a ball during a timeout in the third quarter. His left leg was folded under him as he landed awkwardly on padding below the hoop. His foot was turned sideways as he dangled his leg and he had to be helped off the court. Team officials said they could not discuss the injury because of privacy concerns." Update! There are some gruesome pictures available for you "Faces Of Death" types.

The Houston Rockets: The Pistons were missing Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace and Allen Iverson -- although A.I. being out might have actually helped Detroit -- and it still took the Rockets two overtimes to get the win, despite a mega-game from Yao (31 points, 15 rebounds and 4 blocked shots). Speaking of which, didn't Yao just miss a game with flu-like symptoms? Nice recovery...

Box score lulz: I couldn't help but notice that, in the Pistons-Rockets box score, Knee-Mac is listed as DNP-CD. That made me laugh for some reason.

Hubie Brown, unintentionally dirty quote machine: From Drake: "Hubie Brown can't seem to stay away from unintentionally dirty quotes. From last night's Rockets-Pistons game: '...he SPLITS it, and shoots it right in Scola's face' -- talking about a replay of Rodney Stuckey's drive to the hoop during overtime, but may very well be talking about a climatic scene in some gay porno. Hubie also had another gem in double overtime which I can't remember that well. It went something like 'he scored in his defender's face.'" Man, Hubie's hits just keep on coming. (Get it?) But you can't blame the guy. Remember, he was one of the first creatures to crawl out of the sea five billion years ago or whatever. I don't think God had invented homosexuality yet, so Hubie doesn't really know what he's saying.

The Philly defense: Clifton wrote in to say: "This shot from the Suns-Sixers game looks like pickup basketball defense at its finest to me. 'I thought he was your man!' 'Naw, man. I switched off of him when Backwards Hat Guy came in.'" He's not wrong. Check this out:


Actually, there wasn't much defense played at all in the Sixers-Suns game: Philly shot 55 percent and Phoenix shot close to 58 percent. But you've gotta love these quotes from the Sixers. Philly coach Tony DiLeo said: "We tried different defenses, zones, pick and roll defenses, and it just seemed like they were scoring every time. We just couldn't stop them." (Hey, Tony, which of those defenses were you guys playing in the picture Clifton sent in?) Added Andre Iguodala: "We just never got them out of rhythm. They just kept scoring and all their guys had it going, it seemed." Yes, it sure seemed alright.

Oh, and check out this tidbit from the AP game notes: "The Suns’ average of nearly 120 points per game since the All-Star break is the best in the NBA, nearly seven points better than any other team." You just know the author wanted to write "since Terry Porter got canned" instead of "since the All-Star break." Or maybe that's just me. Note also that the writer didn't mention how many points the Suns have been giving up in that stretch...

The Washington Wizards Generals: Beaten. Again. This time by the Clippers, who still are who we thought they were but, in this case, were lucky enough to play a home game against the Wicked Worst of the East. The Other L.A. Team shot nearly 60 percent from the field. I guess you can't really expect a bunch of millionaires on a 16-win team to "play defense" or "try to win winnable games" or anything like that. I mean, next thing you'll be asking for is the moon on a stick or mega-corporations that aren't run by hordes of rich and unscrupulous douchebags. In other words, the impossible. Random quote from a reader: Sturla emailed in to say: "Who gets blown out by the Clippers in the fourth quarter by 15 points?"

Oh and hey, Basketbawful reader Andy had this to say: "Thought I'd highlight this bit from the Wizards-Clippers sucktacular (which I'm privileged enough to get on CSN): 3rd quarter, Andray Blatche is dribbling right side just past the half court line and goes behind his back, faking his defender big time. However, he proceeds to bumble his dribble around for a few seconds before throwing a lazy, crosscourt, underhand pass which is easily intercepted. Clippers going the other way throw an alley-oop to Eric Gordon, who lets it slip harmlessly between his fingers for another turnover. The Clippers also get an extra dose of suck for letting Antawn Jamison look like Magic Johnson out there in the first quarter, throwing a no-look pass and getting 4 assists (he averages 1.9 on the year). The Wizards also look like they're afraid getting anywhere near Steve Novak, who has at least 6 threes so far, only one of which I've seen contested in any way." NBA action. It's FAN-tastic.

Al Thornton, quote machine: Regarding teammate Steve Novak, who nailed six triples against the Wizards Generals: "Novak is like a video game. His shot is a beautiful thing to watch, and I am definitely surprised he is left open and unguarded so much." Al was later rumored to have made sweet, sweet love to Novak's shooting hand.

Lacktion report: Chris provided the following spoonful of lacktion to help the bawful medicine go down.

Heat-Celtics: Yakhouba Diawara took home a 3.4 trillion prize from tonight's loss at the TDBanknorth Garden -- another case of an All-Lacktion selection living up to all the expectations!

Kings-Bobcats: Spencer Hawes' three bricks and lack of rebounds in a starting stint lasting over half the duration of the game (25:18!) led to one of the more staggering Voskuhls in recent memory, a 7:2 (fouling out with a turnover against two made free throws) despite a few positive stats.

Blazers-Pacers: Travis Diener missed once from downtown for a suck differential of +1 in 9:54.

Nets-Knicks: With the Nets devastating the Knickerbockers at their home court, Chris Douglas-Roberts had a 14-point slump participating in garbage time. So Maurice Ager served as a replacement human victory cigar for the night, taking a foul and a brick for +2 in 1:42.

The real story though was Cheikh Samb's reappearance in uniform after many weeks of uncertainty following the Clippers' dismissal of the All-Lacktion choice. In a brilliant return to unproductivity, he went all out for masonry in 3:34, bricking once on the shot clock and twice at the charity stripe for a well-earned +3. Welcome back to the Association, Mr. Samb!

Magic-Bucks: Francisco Elson eked out a Voskuhl for the Milwaukee M.A.S.H. Unit in an 11:34 appearance as starting big man, going 6:4 (five fouls and one giveaway against one made field goal and two boards).

Pistons-Rockets: Amir Johnson is starting to emerge as Detroit's favorite lacktator, tonight earning a 1.4 trillion .

Wizards-Clippers: Oleksiy Pecherov did get a rebound tonight, but that's not particularly relevant when he was busy wearing out his gamepad trying to knock out Glass Joe in Punch-Out after a 42-second Mario!

NBA.com standings fail: Rainier wrote in to say: "I didn't know the Wolves were second in the West...." Me neither. But NBA.com thinks so. I guess that's their reward for handing over Kevin Garnett to the Celtics last season.

ESPN.com front page fail: From Rob: "I just went to the ESPN NBA front page a couple minutes ago and I got kind of confused; the screen capture is attached. They corrected the error soon after, so I'm glad I got there in the nick of time." Take a look. It's funny. (Basketbawful reader -sEan also noticed this and emailed in to say: "Better signing for the Celtics: Stephon Marbury or Roger Federer? I'd say its a toss up.")

Kobe Bryant: Mamba stuffed Nermal into a box and tried to send her to Abu Dhabi.

Labels: DeSagana Diop, fan submissions, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, New Orleans Hornets, Sacramento Kings, utter defenselessness, Washington Wizards

Bored announcers: From Basketbawful reader Nick: "I was watching the Suns-Nets game last night. During the game, the announcers got bored and started drawing on the screen (see above). You can see the clip on NBA League Pass (free to sign up until November 11th) on NBA.com. It occurs after the ad break, before the free throws, with 2:31 left in the first quarter." Nick was also kind enough to provide the accompanying dialogue. Update! The announcers have been credibly identified as Marv Albert and Mike Fratello by TehJay: "I can confirm that it was Marv, I watched this sequence happen. It was even more hilarious than it seems in text. Marv didn't really know how to react to the Czar's etch-a-sketches. He sounded like he was patronizing a little kid."

Marv Albert: It's time for our J&R Music and Computer World Upcoming Schedule. Following tonight, the Nets will finish up the home stands...that's, uh, very lovely. On friday night against Allen Iverson and the Detroit...what is that?

Mike Fratellow It's a car.

Marv Oh, Motor City, oh I got it.

Mike: It's a car.

Marv: So clever. You think about this for long periods of time? And then at Miami on...at Indiana on Saturday, I'm sorry.

Mike: I didnt want to throw you off.

Marv: I, I know.

Mike: Okay.

Marv: All right. Indiana, what do they get? What's that? That's very creative. What is that? Is that a building?

Mike: It's a building.

Marv: For Indianapolis?

Mike: It is.

Marv: And then at Miami on Monday night.

Mike: You know Miami gets, they get another, ohh yeahhh.

Marv: Oh very cute, yeah, all right and then back home for the Pacers next Wednesday. but frankly we've seen enough.

Mike: Okay.

Marv: The J&R Music and Computer World Upcoming Schedule. The Nets playing four games in five nights.

Mike: I was trying to think of how to draw a hurricane for Miami, not sure how to do that.

Marv: I'm sure you'll come up with something. Iittle box for the city of Indianapolis

Broadcasting action. It's BLAND-tastic. (Actually, I have to admit, this was pretty funny...)

The New Jersey Nets' defense: The only thing in New Jersey that was worse than the announcers' banter was the Nets' D. The Suns shot 63 percent from the field (43-for-68) and 67 percent from downtown (12-for-18). And, as Basketbawful reader Garron pointed out, they hit 77 percent of their shots (23-for-30) in the first half! The only reason that New Jersey kept it close in those opening two quarters was because Phoenix committed 16 first-half turnovers, which led to 14 points for the Nets. Once the Suns stopped bumbling the ball away -- they had only 4 turnovers in the second half -- the game turned into a laugher. Memo to the Nets players: It's called "a hand in the face," guys. You should really try it some time.

The New Jersey Nets' offense: Sure, they scored 55 points in the first half, but 14 of those points were handed to them by the Suns on a silver turnover platter. In the second half, New Jersey scored 31 points...and only 9 in the fourth quarter. For the game, the Nets shot 33 percent (28-for-83). Oh, and as was mentioned above, this was a home game.

Random aside: The Suns are actually playing defense this season. It's not just a rumor. I don't think I've ever seen Steve Nash work so hard to stay in front of his man. And Shaq was really closing off the paint in the first quarter. Phoenix still isn't a great defensive team by any stretch of the imagination, but at least they're trying. Well, except for Amare Stoudemire, who let rookie Ryan Anderson walk right by him. Amare's like a dog...he can't walk sideways.

The Lopez twins: This game featured the first pro matchup between the Lopez twins -- Brook of the Nets and Robin of the Suns. They each finished with 2 points and combined to shoot 2-for-10 from the field. Oh, and Brook committed 4 turnovers. This is what I imagine would have happened if Greg Ostertag had a twin and they played against each other. While dressed as giant pieces of fruit.

This was the first of many Titanic clashes. Andwhen I say "Titanic," I mean like the ship.
Yao Ming: The Great Wall scored 8 points on 4-for-14 shooting. He never got to the line, collected zero assists, turned the ball over twice, and had three of his shots blocked. Or (as Basketbawful reader Michael pointed out) four, if you count the dunk he clanked off the rim...again. Has Yao jumped off the ground this season? Has anyone actually seen him do it? I mean, at one point, Glen "Big Baby" Davis went over Yao for a MAN-type rebound. If you can't out-jump Big Baby, it might be time to invest in some Strength Shoes.

Update! Ron Artest: Almost forgot this one. Ron-Ron -- who ball-hogged his way to 3-for-16 shooting -- received an emergency ego-ectomy from Dr. Kendrick Perkins. (Note that Basketbawful reader AK Dave reminded me that I once vowed to refer to all "merciless blocked shots against unsuspecting and/or inferior opponents" as Code Reds. So the following video is an example of both an ego-ectomy AND a Code Red.)


Missing persons: From the game notes in the AP recap: "Houston guard Steve Francis, out with a knee injury, arrived at the arena wearing a red velvet sport jacket with 'Barack Obama' spelled on the back in sequins. Francis said he would try to attend Obama's presidential inauguration. 'Today is a transitional day in my career and everybody else's career,' he said before the game." Wait...Francis is still in the league?! Nice jacket, though. I imagine it's what a pimp would have worn to the Democratic National Convention this year.

Fittingly, Steve is shown walking away...
Brian Scalabrine: The Lord of the Rings earned a DNP-CD last night. Random question: Which group of words is more horrific to you on a personal level: "Antoine Walker, NBA Champion" or "Brian Scalabrine, NBA Champion"? Discuss.

Chris Duncan, AP sports writer: In the early version of last night's AP writeup of the Celtics-Rockets game, Chris referred to Eddie House as "Kevin." This was pointed out to me by Basketbawful reader Mark, who said: "Maybe Kevin is Eddie's evil twin?" Actually, I would say Eddie is the evil twin. After all, he's the one who shoots all the time. I'll put an abbreviated screen shot below. Here's the full version that Mark sent in.

You go KEVIN!
The San Antonio Spurs: They are now 0-3. Two of those losses took place in San Antonio, where the Spurs have been nigh-invincible the last 10 years. It's the team's worst start since opening the 1973-74 ABA season at 0-4. For the sake of perspective, that was their first season in San Antonio after playing in Dallas as the Chaparrals. (The Spurs joined the NBA in 1976.) The team seemed lifeless, which makes sense since their "heart and soul" player, Manu Ginobili, is still rehabbing his ankle. But seriously, even with Manu, this team looks weak. Matt Bonner (zero points, 0-for-5 and 5 boards in 20 minutes) started at center last night. Michael Finley shot 1-for-3 and finished with 3 points. Ime Udoka was 0-for-4. George Hill was 3-for-7. Kurt Thomas played 12 minutes without scoring a single point (he was 0-for-1) or snaring a single rebound. The Fabulous Oberto returned to play 14 reboundless minutes. Frankly, if it wasn't for Roger Mason, the Spurs might have lost by 30 instead of "only" 17.

Sure, the Spurs will likely make a strong second-half of the season push, but they've officially slipped down a notch from contender status. They just don't have the talent.

James Singleton and Jose Juan Barea: From Basketbawful reader Noah: "There were TWO two trillions on the Mavs tonight, J.J. Barea and Singleton. I dunno about you...but I've never seen a double two trillion before." That is two scoops of poop right there. If the Mavs were the Super Friends, then Singleton and Barea would be the Wonder Twins...otherwise known as "the only heroes Aquaman got to make fun of." And in case you're wondering, the answer is: Yes, Jose would be Jayna.

Stephon Marbury: From Basketbawful reader Michael Mach: "Quote of the night from Starbury: 'Looking back at the last two years, I kind of liked Larry Brown,' Marbury said with a laugh. 'I kind of liked Larry Brown. I'm like, 'Man, I wish this guy was here to drill me now.' I didn't know Marbury liked to be drilled, especially by Larry Brown." Wow. Looking past the rather obvious homoerotic overtones for a sec, just think about that statement. Considering the way Larry Brown got run out of New York, that would be like the villagers from Frankenstein saying, "I kind of liked the monster. Man, I wish that beast was here to strangle me to death right now!" Here's the rest of what Starbury had to say.

WNBA ad placement: From Basketbawful reader Sun Devil: "Saw this little gem on Facebook. Is association with sex the new way the WNBA is being marketed? I'm not so sure. But I'm concerned that Facebook had a WNBA fan page and send-her-panties-once-a-month ads targeted at me. Clearly, I must fall under the women's athletics perv demographic." Quick quiz: Have you ever purchased a poster of Sporty Spice and/or Kendra from the Girls Next Door and prominently displayed it in your house/apartment/parent's basement? If the answer is "yes," then you definitely fall in that demographic category. And you will never have sex with a woman without first giving them your credit card number. Anyway, Sun Devil also provided the pictorial evidence:


Kobe Bryant: He checked out in the "10 items or less" aisle despite the fact that he had almost 20 items in his cart. He also talked on his cell phone the whole time, and insisted on paying in exact change...using all pennies. Update! AND bitched to the manager about how his groceries were bagged (according to Basketbawful reader BJ).

Update! Unintentionally funny typos: Ben from the Raptors' blog Prehistoric Hoops drew my attention to this typo on the preview for the Raps-Pistons game...BUT TICKETS! Man, if they were going to make this mistake, couldn't they have at least added another "t"?

Labels: bored announcers, New Jersey Nets, utter defenselessness