Sam foot

Okay. Let me preface this post by saying that I doubts that I'd be able to do a full WotN entry with only one game on the slate. But man oh man...this particular game came through in spades.

Cleveland Cavaliers: They scored only 72 points, shot 30 percent from the field, committed 17 turnovers, and added to their the all-time worst record in Game 1 road games (0-for-14). Yay, team.

Boston Celtics: They scored only 76 points, had more turnovers (21) than assists (18), and barely beat the Cavaliers in Boston on a night when LeBron James had the worst game of his career (more on that below). That's a pretty bad sign, right?

LeBron James: Poor LeBron. On the same day the King found out that he finished a distant fourth in MVP voting, he went out and had the worst game of his NBA career: 12 points, 2-for-18 shooting, 10 turnovers. He scored only 2 points in the second half and missed his last six shots. He also was one assist or rebound away from the shameful triple bumble (as several of you quickly pointed out).

And with all due respect to the Celtics defense...Bron-Bron was just flat-out bonking shots and tricking layups. And he knew it. "I missed a lot of shots I know I can make. I missed layups. Those layups I've made my whole life." (That's right, boys and girls; LeBron came out of the womb hitting layups.)

Fun fact #1: The stat checkers at compiled a list of LeBron's four worst shooting performances. Last night's was the worst, followed by a 3-for-20 performance against the Sixers on March 18, 2005; a 2-for-13 night against the Clippers on December 3, 2003; and another 2-for-13 brickeroo on February 11, 2004. Note that those last two games happened during LeBron's rookie year and none of them occurred during the playoffs.

Fun fact #2: Sorry, ESPN. You missed one. Fortunately, Yahoo caught it. The worst shooting night of LeBron's career came on December 29, 2004 against the Houston Rockets, when he went 0-for-5 in 17 minutes. However, there were circumstances. Said LeBron: "I fractured my cheekbone."

Kevin Garnett, quote machine: KG was the only player who truly played well last night (although Zydrunas Ilgauskas came pretty close). Garnett -- who came in third in MVP voting -- had 28 points (13-for-23), 8 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 steals in nearly 40 minutes. More importantly, though, he hit a clutch shot with 22 seconds left to break a 72-72 tie and put the Celtics up for good. So much for KG shrinking from the big moments, eh?

But here was how Garnett described last night's celebration of suck: "This was two heavyweights, just body-punching. There was no finesse, no jabs, just an all-out, beat-down, defensive fight." Uh, if you say so, KG. If you say so. And toxic sludge really is good for you...

Wally Szczerbiak: Wally World outscored and outshot LeBron James! And while that would normally be cause for celebration, last night was a definite exception. Szczerbiak missed his first five shots en route to a 13-points, 5-for-14 shooting night. Which once again raises the question: How, exactly, was he an upgrade over Larry Hughes?

Ray Allen: Can we have Ray-Ray digitally removed from He Got Game? Because last night's lack-tion would certainly justify it: Zero points, 0-for-4, and 4 turnovers in 37 minutes. Memo to the MVP voters: Remember how you unjustly disqualified KG because his team was "too good"? I hope you watched this game and wet your pants with shame.

Delonte West: Where's Eric Snow when you need him? West scored 4 points (2-for-10), had more fouls (3) than assists (2), and threw the ball away twice. Not a bad night's work, eh? Actually, yes it is.

Paul Pierce: Remember that post on TrueHoop about Truth's rivalry with LeBron? If not, then go read it. Anyway, their personal competition has gotten so heated that apparently if LeBron sucks, Paul is going to try and suck more. Let's here it for one-downsmanship! Pierce scored 4 points, shot 2-for-14, had his shot fed back to him twice, committed a team-high 6 turnovers, and had Boston's worst +/- score (-14). And he wasn't the least bit embarrassed about it.

"Me and Ray, we figure if we play [LeBron] to a standstill...we give ourselves the best chance. He's not going to go 2-for-18 every game but, hey, we're going to do our best to try to make him." So in one fell swoop Pierce took co-credit for LeBron's craptacular game and justified his and Ray Allen's sucktasticness. Wow. The only thing missing was a megalomaniacal declamation:

Anderson Varejao: And here, my friends, is Exhibit V in the case against ridiculous contract holdouts. Sideshow Bob -- who was so instrumental in Cleveland's run to the Finals last season, by the way -- was so ineffective you'd think he was getting paid to not play: 1 point, 0-for-1, 1 rebound, zero assists, 2 steals, and zero blocked shots in 11 minutes. Cap killer, anyone?

Glen Davis: Big Baby played like an actual baby last night, accomplishing exactly nothing in four diaper-filling minutes. That's right. I'm talking about a four trillion. (And no, that's not a fat joke. Although it could be.)

Mike Brown: Any good coach -- or in Brown's case, even a bad coach -- is going to get his star player's back. But Brown took that to a kind of ridiculous length last night. "[LeBron] had a tough night, and he is entitled to it." I'm sorry, but...what?! Since when did players start earning entitlement to horrific performances in critical playoff games? I'm sorry, Mike, but there's no such thing as a Get Out Of Sucking Free card.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Z-Man was the only Cavalier who registered a pulse last night (22 points, 12 rebounds), but he also stepped on Sam Cassell and "inadvertently" kicked him in the head. Sorry. I've played enough basketball and stepped over enough clumsy players to know that stuff rarely ever happens on accident.

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Anonymous Shrugz said...
lol funny thing is I'm pretty sure lebron doesn't guard both Pierce and Allen

and apparently -2 > -1 ? LOL weirdo math by pierce

Anonymous Dunpizzle said...
Lebron with an unprecedented near Quadruple Bumble

Blogger Tonewise said...
I've been waiting, and waiting annnnd waiting for a day where a player gets close enough to double digits in 5 category's so I could dub it the "Quincy Douby"... but alas, I think this is a close as it may get...

LeBron James, SF 39 2-18 0-6 8-10 2 7 9 9 1 1 10 4 12

"Yo did u guys see LBJ last night? Kid pulled off a Quincy Douby!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...
lebron actually almost accomplished a quadruple double last night - only he shouldn't have. this was a performance worthy of dwyane wade... 12 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists, and yes, 10 turnovers. man, what did he put on his hands?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Two words. Space Jam. Somewhere out there, a tiny alien basketball team is playing with Lebron, Pierce, Allen, and Duncan's stolen talent.

Btw, remember how Shawn Bradley was in the movie as one of the players who lost his "talent"? Good times, good times.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I was preparing to defend Glen Davis all day. I know he had a 4 trillion stats wise, but he tipped a rebound out of the paint and to a waiting Rondo (I think it was Rondo). He also stifled Big Z on a shot attempt. So the night wasn't totally a bust, but you can't expect a guy to have 10 points in 4 minutes.

Anonymous kobefearslebron said...
Hey Basketbawful! Maybe you can use this image for your site.

Blogger Christian Angelo said...
Holy fuck. I can't believe this all happened in one game. :D

Blogger Five Pound Bag said...
This should be the job of one of the three inactives - when a guy's nearing trillion status and about to be pulled, the bench yells "No trillion! No trillion!" which is the cue for the guy on the floor to jack up a shot or commit a foul IMMEDIATELY to at least register something in the boxscore. Then the bench guy could blog about it.

Blogger Desten said...
A hackapooloza deluxe last night. I didn't see the game and I thanked God that I didn't.

Blogger The Third Heat said...
How wild is it that we've seen Duncan's, Nash's, Allen's and Lebron's worst playoff game ever in the same postseason?

Blogger C.D. Sorensen said...
The reason WallyWorld is an upgrade over Larry Hughes is so when the horrible 2 guard on the Cavs "disappears" this summer during a fishing trip because he shot 35% from the floor during the playoffs nobody thinks it was racist.

Blogger Justin said...
The East: Where WNBA scores happen

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Am I the only one that hates the fact that every Celtics home game has to be played in a cloud of smoke due to their pregame festivities? They need to either tone down the pyrotechnics or get some fucking fans in there to ventilate that shit.

Anonymous jack said...
Credit the Celtics tho, they made LeBron work hard for every shot. Towards the end, he was still getting to the rim, but he looked gassed and couldn't finish.

I really don't understand why everyone says these kind of games are boring. It reminds me a lot of the NCAA where everyone's clawing and scratching for every possession. Perhaps aethestically it wasn't pleasing, but the raw intensity and emotion was quite thrilling. And to me, that struggle of wills is far more statisfying than a parade of three point bombs.

Blogger stephanie g said...
Game 1 of the Bos/Cavs series officially entered the Twilight Zone when Ben Wallace hit a fadeaway jumper, thus outshooting Ray Allen for the night.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
yams -- I honestly try to limit myself to hating Kobe for the things he does wrong, as opposed to ripping him for no reason at all. And as long as he continues playing the right way and being a good representative of the sport, I'll get on his case less and less. Although I'll never fully trust him, and I think we all know that the minute things go badly in L.A., there's a Black Mamba who will rise up and strike again. Last summer isn't as far away as everybody seems to think.

But until that happens, if it ever does, I just don't have much to say against him.

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