I learned 97 percent of what I know from the feral wolves that raised me. The other three percent I learned from Internet porn and the Nike Fun Police commercials. Despite the fact that they starred a group of professional basketball players with a combined contractual worth of over $200 million, the Fun Police taught me that life isn't about fame, fortune, or gaudy statistics. It's about living life the right way. It's about the team over ego. And, most importantly, it's about cuddling.

Fortunately, some of the Fun Police commercials have made to YouTube. Unfortunately, the best of the group has not (so far). It's the one where the Fun Police interrogate a fat white kid who won't pass to his teammates. Someone (I believe Damon Stoudemire) inspects the kid's ball with infrared goggles and determines that "There's only one set of prints on this ball" while Gary Payton just keeps saying, "C'mon, dawg...pass the ball...pass the ball!" Then someone else (Jason Kidd?) cries "Look!" and opens a closet door to reveal hundreds of basketballs. Great stuff.

These are the Fun Police commercials I was able to find. In this one, Kevin Garnett, Tim Hardaway, and Alonzo Mourning force a rich white couple to sit in the nosebleed section so a group of black teens can have their courtside seats. But don't get the wrong impression. This isn't about race relations. This is about fun. (And apparently getting one up on Whitey is how NBA players have their fun.)


Here, Damon Stoudemire, Gary Payton, and Jason Kidd discuss what is and isn't fun at a laundromat. No look passes? Fun. You get the idea. Kidd's final suggestion draws a little hairy eyeball from Stoudemire and Payton, but honestly, what did they expect? They're a group of grown men wearing matching black turtlenecks and slacks, and they're hanging out at a local laundromat in the middle of the night. Cuddling is the least I would have expected in that situation.


This last one shows Kevin Garnett menacing former teammate Cherokee Parks about the length of his shorts (two-and-a-half inches above the kneecaps, I believe). The video doesn't have any sound, but that makes it funnier somehow, especially at the end when Parks points an accusing finger at Tom Gugliotta and Googs almost kills him. In the closing shot, Parks looks like a guy who just got put in jail for tax fraud and has to share a cell with a couple guys nicknamed "Velvet Anvil" and "Bluto the Ass Blaster."

Labels: Alonzo Mourning, Cherokee Parks, commercials, Damon Stoudemire, Fun Police, Gary Payton, Jason Kidd, Kevin Garnett, Nike, Tim Hardaway, Tom Gugliotta