Basketbawful

Friday, January 20, 2006

Brian Scalabrine will probably never amount to much as a basketball player, no matter how many instructional videos he puts out. But that's okay, because he may have finally found his true calling: candlepin bowling!

Think real bowling. Only not.
Assuming you live outside the New England area and have even the slightest sense of pride, you've probably never heard of candlepin bowling. It's basically the same as regular bowling, only the ball is smaller, the pins are a lot smaller, and you get three shots per frame as opposed to just one. So, you now, it's basically bowling for retards.

But what's even sadder than taking up such a pathetic sport is taking up that sport and losing. Which, of course, is exactly what Brian did when he got his ass kicked by Raef LaFrentz and some guy named Brian Doo. (Supposedly, Mr. Doo is a strength and conditioning coach for the Celtics, but personally I think it's just an alias. Other than Brian and Raef, no NBA player would admit they play candlestick bowling, and even fewer would admit to playing it with Brian Scalabrine.)

Brian had this to say to all the fans who were concerned about how the devastating loss would affect him:

"Don't worry about me, I'm going to hide out for a little while and work on my candlepin game, then in a few weeks I'm taking both of those guys down."

Those are some strong words, Brian. I'm sure Raef and Mr. Doo are pissing themselves. I'd guess that most Celtics fans would be fine with Brian hiding out for a little while, or even a long while. But, I dunno, shouldn't he spend some of that time working on his basketball game instead of polishing his candlestick bowling skills? Maybe that's just me.

Ludicrastic Extra: I once read a story about an old woman who died alone in her apartment, and then her corpse was slowly eaten by cats over the course of several weeks. At the time, I said quite honestly, "that's the saddest thing I've ever heard." After finding out that there's an International Candlestick Bowling Association, I now have a new saddest thing I've ever heard. It's spectacularly ridiculous that this organization even exists, but they really went for the Gold Medal in Loser by establishing a Hall of Fame. To become an ICBA Hall of Famer, you need to prove "extraordinary contributions to the sport of candlepins."

If you're reading this blog, let's make a deal. If you ever find out that I've made an "extraordinary contribution" to candlestick bowling, you have permission to shoot me. And please, shoot to kill.

The International Candlestick Bowling Association Hall of Shame

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Whoever wrote the thing on "candlestick" bowling is a douchebag. One of the people in the "International Candlestick Hall of Shame" is my grandmother. What the fuck happened to you when you were a kid? an unfortunate bowling accident? If you don't like it, thats fine but what the hell is your problem?...Oh, and bye the way, it's CANDLEPIN you fuckin moron

2/10/2007 9:12 PM