Here is Part 2 of the 2007-08 NBA Worsties. This part runs roughly through December of 2007. And I do mean roughly.

Biggest waste of a hyped shoe line: Gilbert and his Gil2Zeros (or Gil20's if ya nasty). Not only did the guy beg Adidas for more attention in 2006 and blog about how elite this line was going to be, he also decided that it needed 17 special editions to be released throughout the season starting in December. What happened? He played exactly 13 games and had 2 knee surgeries allowing him to live up to an NBA Live curse if there is one and guaranteeing Adidas of a complete waste of resources. Hibachi! [Submitted and written by Kellex of Le Basketbawl.]

The end of the line for Ruben Patterson: Known in some (rather stupid) circles as "The Kobe Stopper," Patterson had averaged a career-high 14.7 PPG on 55 percent shooting during the 2006-07 season. (I have three words for you: Contract Year Phenomenon.) On August 29, 2007, the Angels of Death Los Angeles Clippers gleefully signed him to an undisclosed deal. Clippers Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Baylor said, "We are thrilled to add Ruben to our team," and head coach Mike Dunleavy added, "I am really excited by our signing of Ruben Patterson." And that's about when the honeymoon ended. Patterson played only 20 games for the Clips -- averaging 5.1 PPG and 3.2 APG -- before getting waived on December 13. His current whereabouts are unknown, but he is included in Wikipedia's list of American sex offenders.

Dan Fegan gets pwn3ed by Dan Ferry: Anderson Varejao's stubborn (and foolishly greedy) agent went toe-to-toe with Danny Ferry. And lost. One rival agent -- once he'd finished erupting in a pitiless "Muwahahahahahaha!!" -- said that: "Danny Ferry cleaned (Fegan's) clock." Varejao, after a lengthy and fruitless holdout, signed an offer sheet with the Charlotte Bobcats. The Cavaliers simply matched it, allowing them to retain Varejao's services at a price that was well below market value (not to mention $10 million per year less than Fegan was asking for). But hey, that's what Fegan gets for trying to get Greg Ostertag money, because let's face it: Varejao is no Ostertag.

Jason Kidd's mysterious migraine: Kidd missed the Nets' feeble 100-93 loss to the lowly Knicks due to what was reported to be a migraine headache. But rumor had it that Kidd was really suffering from a throbbing pain in his ass, that pain being the wretched awfulness of his team. Kidd, who has no history of migraine headaches, appeared to be upset about how badly his team sucked, and that certain teammates -- cough*VinceCarter*cough -- couldn't play through a little pain and discomfort. In a way, I can't blame him, because playing with Vince Carter would give me headaches too. But quitting on your team, even if it's only for a night, isn't cool. Naturally, this was a dark omen of things to come.

Paul Pierce joins the "No Fun" Police: Before a 113-103 road win over the Philadelphia 76ers, Paul Pierce apparently "scolded a couple of teammates in the locker room who [were] having too much fun and screaming to some music." Said Pierce: "We're trying to play a game." Pierce then admitted that, last season, he "spent too much time telling his younger teammates what to do, where to go, what to eat, how to dress." Wow. Who knew Pierce was such a Fun Nazi? Oh, right, these guys.

Shaq takes out his frustration on Joel Przybilla: During the opening minutes of a routine 112-106 road loss to the Portland Trailblazers, Shaq made one of his signature awkward lurches to the basket and headbutted Joel Przybilla, then fell on him and drove the basketball into his face. Przybilla got knocked out of the game for a while, but he returned in the second quarter and did a good job containing Shaq when the big man was actually in the game. (The Big Ham Hands got into foul trouble yet again.) Yes, the 2007-08 season marked the point at which Shaq could no longer overpower Joel Przybilla. Here's some video of the event.

LeBron proves (once again) that today's ballers are huge vaginas: King James, who looks like an unstoppable force of pure physical power, missed a few games in December with a sprained left index finger. This is what it's come to. Gone are the days when we could expect professional athletes to, say, play through the pain of a broken foot or maybe cut off their finger to stay in a game. Soon a case of cotton mouth or maybe a bad hair day will be all it takes to make it onto the injured list.

Al Horford gives T.J. Ford [Arnie voice] a pain in dah neck [/Arnie voice]: Yeah, I know it was an accident and everything, but Horford's foul on T.J. Ford looked pretty bad. Not only that, it ended with Ford -- who missed the entire 2004-05 season after neck surgery -- getting carried off the floor on a stretcher. I feel kind of like a jerk for saying this, but you know, Ford might not have gotten hurt if the refs had just made the call on what was a pretty obvious travel. I mean, he took three full steps after his last dribble.


Carlos Boozer declares war on Steve Nash's teeth: An "errant" Boozer elbow knocked out a chuck of Captain Canada's pearly whites, but it didn't prevent him from beating the Jazz with 29 points (10-for-12), 11 assists and 6 rebounds. Said Nash: "I just kind of took an elbow or something and it chipped off. So I get to spend some of my day off at the dentist, as luck would have it." Kudos to Nash for having a sense of humor about it. Had it been someone like Kobe Bryant or Lebron James, I'm sure the reaction and resulting press coverage would have been needlessly grim and melodramatic (e.g., "Despite the pain and anguish of a broken tooth, Kobe reached down deep and found the winner within, scoring a bunch of points and blah, blah, blah." Does anybody remember how Nash's tooth got broken the last time? That's right: An errant elbow from Karl Malone (as also noted by Nash after the game). Of course, Malone was an evil Laker at that time, but we know he was always a Jazz man at heart.


Andrew Bynum declares war on Fabricio Oberto's face: Bynum earned himself double technicals and an ejection for popping Fabricio Oberto in the face with an elbow. And it didn't happen in the heat of action; it happened during a dead ball situation while Oberto was making his way downcourt. What made the situation even more pathetic was how Bynum raised his hands after the fact to make it look like he didn't actually intend to hit Oberto, then actually complained about getting teched up (which earned him a second technical). Naturally, Kobe had to stick his nose into it, running downcourt to argue with the the ref. And of course Phil Jackson, ever the smug one, commented to the sideline reporter between the third and fourth quarters that the officials had "evened things out" between the two teams (since Duncan and Parker were out) by kicking Bynum out of the game. See, these are perfect examples of why it's so easy to hate the Lakers.


Tony Parker's sprained vagina ankle: TP missed a handful of games in December with a sprained ankle. Of course, I'm sure it was just a coincidence that his injury happened to coincide with those nasty allegations of an affair with French super-hottie Alexandra Paressant, who claims she did the nasty désobligeant with TP. This is going to totally shock you, but Parker denied it: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Here's the funny thing, though: Parker "said" all that in a statement from Longoria's spokeswoman, Liza Anderson. So Parker, a three-time world champion and last season's NBA Finals MVP, has to defend himself through a statement issued by his wife’s spokeswoman? I guess we know who wears the Pretty Pink Princess panties in that family.

Darko Milicic's ego (once again) hits an all-time low: 2007-08 was supposed to be Darko's breakout season. But after a listless performance against the Magic -- 4 points (2-5), 3 rebounds, 5 personal fouls, and several brutal posterizations by Dwight Howard -- the only thing broken was Darko's ego: "My confidence level right now is really low. It's horrible. It's weird. I'm with a team now that needs me, and has given me every opportunity to play. I've got a nice contract, but for some reason I can't even do the things I used to do. I don't know what's wrong with my game." Wow. I don't know how his confidence could possibly have gotten any lower than it was in Detroit, where the coach wouldn't play him and most of his teammates wouldn't even look him in the eye. But it happened.

Update! Jeff Foster punks a fan run amok: During a 93-85 Pacers victory over the Gilbert Arena and Caron Buter-less Washington Wizards, a crazed fan made it onto the court and managed to evade several Keystone Cops security guards before Indiana center Jeff Foster stepped in and tripped the kid, sending him into what I'm hoping was a brutally painful faceplanting. [Nominated by Stephanie G.]


Pat Riley discovers the pain of, uh, pain: After a 106-103 loss to the Pacers, the Heat fell to 6-17. What did Riles have to say after his team's latest defeat? "There's a lot of pain. It's very painful. Sometimes you wonder. I'm not trying to get on a philosophical bent here, but when you're given everything that you've ever wanted in your profession, you wonder why that you feel such pain. You say why, why give me all this and make me feel pain?" Uh...what the hell? Seriously, that insipid rant is one of the most pathetic things I've ever read. Maybe it's just me, but I think that after winning 6 championships (1 as a player, 5 as a coach) and becoming a mega-millionaire, you officially lose all rights to whine like a little bitch unless a loved one is diagnosed with terminal cancer or you get sodomized by hillbillies during a rafting trip through Alabama. Once again, I'm just sayin'.

The continuing Fire Isiah movement: There simply was no escape for Isiah, not even on the Knicks bench.

Unhappy holidays from John Paxson: Somebody had to take the fall for the failed expectations of the Chicago Bulls, and everybody pretty much knew it was going to be Scott Skiles. But on Christmas Eve? Seriously? Yes, seriously. Merry freaking Christmas, Mr. Skiles. And you have to wonder how much of the blame Skiles really deserved. As Statbuster asked at the time: "Is Scott Skiles responsible for Ben Gordon, Kirk Hinrich, and Ben Wallace devolving into Juan Dixon, Steve Blake, and Michael Cage? Is Skiles accountable for the Kwame Brown-like work ethic of Tyrus Thomas? Was Skiles the one that dealt LaMarcus Aldridge for this guy?"

Then, on the day after Christmas, finally free of Skiles' iron-fisted tyranny, the Bulls once again put forth the kind of lackluster effort that got their coach fired and made Kyle Orton the talk of Chicago. Released from Skiles suffocating offensive sets, Luol Deng shot 5-of-15 and Andres Nocioni hit 1-of-11. Ben Wallace, who chafed under Skiles' Draconion rules, submitted a 2-point, 4-rebound gem while being totally outplayed by Matt Bonner (12 points, 9 rebounds). But despite their newfound freedom and the sense of hope it brought, the Bulls still got blown out by a Spurs team that didn't have Manu Ginobili and suffered through a poor game from Tim Duncan (8 points on 2-of-9 shooting and 5 turnovers). Yay, team. [Nominated by dumbgenius.]

We wear short-shorts: With the Lakers and Celtics both leading their respective conferences for the first time since the Bird/Magic era, the Lakers "honored" the moment by breaking out 80’s sized (or lack thereof) shorts. There are too many wrongs here to list…but I will:

1. The Celtics first laughed at the idea and then proceeded to literally beat the pants off the Lakers (and they gave a very accurate preview of things to come in the Finals with their physical presence. As a Lakers fan I was hoping they just lacked confidence because of the shorts and not because the C’s are physically intimidating...boy was I wrong!)

2. The baggy 00's era tops with tiny 80's era shorts look made it appear as though the Lakers came out in their boxers. Correct me if I’m wrong, but basketball is a sport not to be played in underwear.

3. Did I mention that the fans were laughing also? Save the sideshow antics for the Clippers and not the best and most physical team in the NBA.

4. They gave away tee shirts proclaiming, "I saw the short-shorts!!!" Really? Am I really going to wear a tee shirt of an ass-kicking that brags about seeing grown men in tiny shorts? (Here’s a pic of the tee.)

5. The Lakers quickly changed back into normal shorts at halftime. Unfortunately they were down 8 and never rallied. [Submitted and written by Craig from The Association.]

Labels: Al Horford, Andrew Bynum, Carlos Boozer, john paxson, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, NBA Worsties, Paul Pierce, Ruben Patterson, scott skiles, Steve Nash

Miami Heat: How best to sum up Miami's latest loss (which dropped them 10 games below .500)? Well, for starters, Chris Quinn (??) was their leading scorer with a career-high 22 points. Shaq was limited to 26 minutes due first to foul trouble and then to plain old ineffectiveness as the Heat played better using a small lineup (i.e., without him). The newly crowned MDE (Most Decrepit Ever) finished with 7 points, 6 rebounds, 1 assist, and three turnovers. Dwyane Wade continues to prove that he isn't back to 100 percent after returning from shoulder and knee injuries. And worse, he's trying too hard to do too much, as evidenced by his season-high 8 turnovers. It's the ninth time in the 15 games he's played this season that Wade has had at least 5 turnovers. And let's not overlook Jason Williams, who contributed zero points (0-3), 1 rebound, and 2 assists in 14 Eric Snow-like minutes. Have we mentioned the Heat's embarrassing lack of depth? Daequan Cook came off the bench to play 10 mintues and all he could manage was zero points (0-1) and 2 personal fouls. Seriously, it's getting to the point where reading through a Miami Heat box score is like perusing the obituaries. Actually, I have more fun reading obituaries, but maybe that's just me. Speaking of grave, the Heat are now 2-7 at home, the second worst road record (to the Timberwolves) in the league. Have we mentioned these guys are just a couple seasons removed from an NBA championship?

Fun fact: Wade's career-high in turnovers is 12. It happened on February 1, 2007, in a 92-89 win over the Cavaliers. Of course, at least he scored 41 points (thanks in part to his 25 FTAs) and led the Heat to a victory in that game.

Dominic McGuire: As bad as the Heat were -- and they were very, very bad -- I still noticed that Washington's rookie guard notched a one trillion last night. Congratulations, Dominic! But I suppose we shouldn't expect that much from a second-round draft pick with a career-high of 2 points. And hey, he scored as many points as Jason Williams and Daequan Cook, and those guys actually got some PT.

Shaq: Okay, I can't let this go. I've brought this up several times over the last couple years, but the Big Washed Up once promised us that he would retire if he was ever "only as good as David Robinson." Well, I'd absolutely and without question take the end-of-his-career David Robinson over today's Shaq. At least The Admiral was still a sturdy rebounder and (more importantly) a defensive presence. And he could stay on the floor more than 20 minutes a game. Moreover, Robinson was able to understand that his skills were declining and accepted a lesser role for the betterment of his team. Shaq, on the other hand, thinks the Heat's problems would be solved if he was getting 20 shots a game. Yet when you watch the Heat consistently make runs with a smaller, faster, more defensively-oriented lineup, it becomes clear that's just not true. In fact, the question doesn't even seem to be whether Shaq should be getting more shots, but whether he should be starting or backing up Alonzo Mourning. The Diesel has officially entered into the "Washington Wizards Michael Jordan" phase of his career; he's no longer even close to what he once was, but he can't accept it, and yet for some strange reason nobody feels completely comfortable in writing him or his team off. Speaking of which...

Fun fact: Tomorrow is the five-year anniversary of the night Michael Jordan matched his career-low with 2 points (1-9) in Washington's 95-82 win over a terrible, Vince Carter-less Raptors team.

Tony Parker: Sprained ankle? Sprained ankle?! Yeah, I kinda don't think so.

Los Angeles Lakers: Their game log for this season will forever show a win against the world champs, which will look impressive to the untrained eye. But what I saw last night was a Lakers squad that struggled mightily at home to finish off a Spurs team that was missing its two best players (Tim Duncan and Tony Parker) and suffering through an off night for its third best player: Manu Ginobili shot 5-17, including 1-7 from three-point range, and committed a season-high 7 turnovers. Of course, that was in part because the officials let the Lakers grab his arms and push him around. But whatever. The fact is, LA almost let Bruce Bowen's offense -- yes, his offense -- beat them. Suffice to say, I'm not impressed. I predict a classic revenge game for the Warriors when the Lakers travel to Golden State tonight.

Andrew Bynum: Bynum earned himself double technicals and an ejection for popping Fabricio Oberto in the face with an elbow. And it didn't happen in the heat of action; it happened during a dead ball situation while Oberto was making his way downcourt. What made the situation even more pathetic was how Bynum raised his hands after the fact to make it look like he didn't actually intend to hit Oberto, then actually complained about getting teched up (which earned him a second technical). And of course Kobe had to stick his nose into it, running downcourt to argue with the the ref. And of course Phil Jackson, ever the smug one, commented to the sideline reporter between the third and fourth quarters that the officials had evened things out between the two teams (since Duncan and Parker were out) by kicking Bynum out of the game. See, these are perfect examples of why it's so easy to hate the Lakers.

Matt Bonner: He followed up a 25-point, 17-rebound game with zero points (0-2) and 3 rebounds in 15 minutes against the Lakers. I guess he's back to being a poor man's Brian Scalabrine.

Ruban Patterson: The man once known as "The Kobe Stopper" (by himself at least) was waived yesterday. By the Clippers (8-13). Patterson, who was coming off a "career year" (14.7 PPG and 5.4 RPG), was the Clippers' big free agent acquisition last summer, and the Clips were freaking excited about it. Vice President of Basketball Operations Elgin Balyor said: "We are thrilled to add Ruben to our team. Ruben plays hard every single night. He is an aggressive defensive player and has a real enthusiasm for the game. He gives 100 percent every game." The gushing continued when head coach Mike Dunleavy said: "I am really excited by our signing of Ruben Patterson. He is a great competitor. I have always admired the intensity he brings from game to game. His versatility will help improve our team." Apparently, all of that changed in the brief span of 21 games. So...what? Patterson wasn't giving 100 percent every game? He doesn't play aggressive defense anymore? He's no longer intense and enthusiastic? How about this: He was statistically unproductive in the 16 minutes per night that Dunleavy felt safe giving him. The fact is, Patterson is the prototypical Intangible Man. If the Clippers had a healthy Elton Brand and Shaun Livingston, a quality role player like Patterson would be a perfect fit. But right now the Clippers are searching for answers...and a guy who can contribute in the kind of ways you can actually see on a stat sheet.

Labels: Andrew Bynum, Bruce Bowen, Los Angeles Lakers, Manu Ginobili, Miami Heat, Ruben Patterson, San Antonio Spurs, Shaq, TNT, Tony Parker, Worst of the Night

Cleveland Cavaliers: Perhaps distracted by the fact that Anderson Varejao had signed a three-year, $17 million offer sheet with the Charlotte Bobcats, the Cavs basically rolled over and died in the face of the Net's furious onslaught. How bad was it? Well, it's never good when a team scores only 79 points on 34 percent shooting and loses by 21 at home. But in addition to that, Eric Snow played 24 minutes and outrebounded Drew Gooden (who played 38 minutes) 6 to 5. Sasha Pavlovic scored 2 points on 1-9 shooting. Their leading scorer was second-year guard Shannon Brown (20 points, 8-16), and if you didn't know he even played for the Cavs, there's a good reason for that: He's only played in five games this season (and only 23 last season). Oh, and Demetris Nichols was last night's one trillion award winner (Update: Nichols just got waived). On the bright side, for the Cav's anyway, it looks like Danny Ferry is going to match Varejao's offer sheet.

Fun fact: Larry Hughes, who couldn't stay healthy if all his human parts were replaced with bionic implants, is out for the next four weeks with a bruised leg. Do you think that Willis Reed ever reads about all these players missing time with bruises and sprained fingers and throws up in his mouth a little? I know I do.

Dan Fegan: Varejao's stubborn (and foolishgly greedy) agent went toe-to-toe with Danny Ferry. And lost. One rival agent -- once he'd finished erupting in a pitiless "Muwahahahahahaha!!" -- said that "Danny Ferry cleaned (Fegan's) clock." The Cavaliers plan to match the Bobcat's offer sheet, which will allow them to retain Varejao's services at a price that's well below market value (not to mention the $10 million per year Fegan was asking for). This is what Fegan gets for trying to get Greg Ostertag money, because let's face it: Varejao is no Ostertag.

Fun fact: Anderson Varejao has never scored 20 points in a regular season game. His career-high is 17 points (7-10), which he scored in a 95-89 loss to the New Orleans Hornets on December 11, 2006.

Suns versus Pacers: If you peruse the box score for this game, you'll see a smattering of blocks and steals. But let me assure you: Those numbers are misleading, and any defense that was played happened purely by accident. You can see tougher defense played in layup drills. Amare Stoudemire had season highs in points (42), shot attempts (24), rebounds (13), and assists (4). Steve Nash had a season-high 17 assists. Jermaine O'Neal had season highs in points (30), shot attempts (20), and shooting percentage (70 percent). The teams combined to score 238 points on nearly 200 shot attempts. This was also a trademark Pacers game in that they overcame a 15-point deficit to lead by four points with just over a minute to go, and then they didn't score again. The Pacers have been -- and I mean historically, not just this season -- one of the NBA's best teams at stealing defeat from the jaws of victory. During the post-game press conference, one reporter suggested to Pacers' coach Jim O'Brien that the loss was kind of a moral victory, since his squad had almost taken down one of the league's elite teams. Said O'Brien: "Please, don't even go there if you don't mind." Then he stood up and walked out of the interview room.

Fun fact: What happened to Boris Diaw? Last night's game was a scorefest, but he only managed 2 points on 1-3 shooting. This was after going scoreless (and 0-1) in 15 minutes against the lowly Knicks. He's currently shooting 44 percent, and he's only reached double figures in scoring three times this season, which seems crazy when you consider the fact that he's playing almost 30 minutes a game for one of the league's highest scoring teams. Is he hurt? Did his dog die? I mean, there has to be a reason for this, right?

Atlanta Hawks: Fresh off their biggest win of the season -- a rare road win against a sub-.500 team -- the Hawks laid a big, stinky homecourt egg against the Pistons. Down by 26 after a 13-point third quarter, the Hawks had to outscore the Pistons 34-19 in the fourth just to crawl within 11 points. Team captain Joe Johnson scored only 5 points (2-10), and when your team's best player has almost as many turnovers (3) as points, you're in trouble. Hawks coach Mike Woodson, who was talking playoffs after the previous night's victory over the 76ers, certainly wasn't talking about the playoffs last night. Rather, he inferred that the Hawks played the cheap hooker to the Piston's seedy pimp. Said Woodson: "They hit us tonight. If they hit you, you've got to hit back, and I don't think we did a good job with that."

Minnesota Timberwolves: When the Timberwolves look back on this game, assuming they have the heart to do so, they'll realize a few disturbing facts. First, Sebastian Telfair -- 16 points (6-13), 2 rebounds, 3 assists -- was their top performer. Second, Mark Madsen and Michael Doleac both made token appearances, combining for zero points on zero shot attempts in 19 minutes of "action." And third, Trevor Ariza played almost as many minutes (26) for the Lakers as Kobe Bryant (28). In a way, it's kind of amazing that this team has even won two games so far this season.

Fun fact: Telfair currently has more blocks on the season (3) than Zach Randolph (2).

Utah Jazz: The Jazz were firmly in control of their game against the Kings...until they allowed Sacramento to explode for 43 points in the fourth quarter. This was a classic example of a team running out of gas at the end of the second game of back-to-backs. But do you think Jerry Sloan gives a crap about tired players? Of course not. Said Sloan: "We can't guard anybody. When they shoot as many layups as they did, that is a problem." After a few more terse comments, Sloan stalked off to the dressing room to make Andre Kirilenko cry.

Fun fact: The Kings are only 7-10, but they're putting on a little mini-surge. They've won three of their last four games, and those wins have come against the Spurs, Rockets, and Jazz. And since their next game is in the Clippers, you can go ahead and put them down as winning four out of five.

Los Angeles Clippers: The Milwuakee Bucks, losers of four in a row, finally found a team they could beat last night, and that team was the Clippers. The "other" L.A. team has now lost six in a row and eight of nine. Remember how this team started out the season at 4-0? Well, they are who we thought they were.

Fun fact: Ruben Patterson, known in some circles as "The Kobe Stopper," played three whole minutes last night, contributing nothing but one lonely personal foul to the Clipper cause. In case you forgot, Patterson scored a career-high 14.7 PPG on 55 percent shooting last season, and the the Clips were pretty darned excited about signing him during the off-season. But becoming a Clipper has a way of negating a man's positive mojo. Case in point: Patterson is currently averaging 4.9 PPG on 46 percent shooting.

Labels: agents, Anderson Varejao, Atlanta Hawks, Boris Diaw, Cleveland Cavaliers, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Minnesota Timberwolves, Phoenix Suns, Ruben Patterson, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night