Cleveland Cavalier's D: Just like you expected, The Crab's 13-game win streak came to an end against the Wizards Generals. On the season, Crab opponents average 90.9 PPG and 42.8% on FGs (1st and 2nd best in the league). But you would have never known that by watching them allow 109 points and 51% shooting.

Caron Butler was the Wizards General's leading scorer with 25 and, by no coincidence, LeBron and Delonte West had the two lowest plus-minuses on the night (-13 and -15). LeBron frequently left Butler open on help defense, and Delonte West made the mistake of being undersized and inattentive. For some reason, they also didn't have an answer for the drifter Darius Songaila, who dropped 17 points in 24 minutes.

ESPN said this was the biggest regular season upset since the 17-win Clippers ended the Lakers 15 game win streak back in 1988. Wait..the Showtime Lakers couldn't stop Michael Cage?!?

Mike James and Javaris Crittendon: Both missed Thursday's win over the Crabaliers. The result? Their rusty, injured replacement (that Gilbert Arenas guy) led the Wizards Generals to the biggest regular season upset in 20 years.

LeBron James, diss machine: When commenting on the boos laid on him Thursday, King Crustacean said, "I'm hated in all 30 cities. Uh, 29. They love me in Cleveland. They hate me everyplace else. Uh, I forgot about New York. They love me there, too." Never forget where you came from. Unless you wish you were from somewhere else.

Unintentional motivation: Jay Cutler's departure from the Broncos has energized the entire city, including the Nuggets. There were several "Jay who?" signs spotted in the crowd. As a result, the Jazz were on the receiving end of a JR Smith god-mode night against the Nuggets Thursday. JR had 21 points in 15 minutes in the first half, and finished 8 for 13 behind the stripe. And this was no fault of the Jazz D. JR Smith was draining threes in transition, off the dribble, off the floor, off the scoreboard, off the backboard, no rim.



Chris Andersen: Had a career-high 8 blocks against the Jazz, but he will forever have to live with the pain of being the the other Birdman, ie. the one that's not in the WWE Hall of Fame. Oh, it hurts. It must feel just like a piledriver. Chris...8 blocks is fine by some, but have you ever brought an Amazonian gold-breasted macaw to courtside with you? I think you know what to do.

The Utah Jazz frontcourt: In a completely unrelated story, Boozer, Okur and Kirilenko shot a combined 10 for 45 against the Nuggets, including Boozer having 6 of his shots blocked. Insert gratuitous "Paul Millsap was playing awesome until Boozer came back. Will Boozer be back next year?" comment here.

The NBA "Going Green": I have nothing against environmental awareness, but green jerseys for everyone? On the greenization of the Nuggets, George Karl said, "The only thing I don't like about that is they remind me of the Celtics." Just a shameless scheme to trick channel surfers into thinking the Celtics are on TV every day. I only say that because it totally worked on me at least twice yesterday.

The Milwaukee Bucks: Cheesed away a 13-point lead and lost to the Sixers by 10. These things tend to happen when you score 36 points in the second half and get outrebounded by 16.

Reggie Evans, unintentionally dirty quote machine: When commenting on a limp first half against the Bucks, "The second half was almost like a wake-up call, 'Let's tighten up a little bit. Let's focus in even more and get into it.' We slowly grinded it out." It becomes much more worster when you remember that Reggie Evans is the guy that did this.

Pittsburgh Pirates, epic fail: Their preseason squad lost a game to Manatee Community College. The folks at bwe.tv summed it up better than I could ever hope to: "Granted, the Pirates started a split-squad assortment of minor leaguers, but they’re still professional baseball players and they not only lost to a college, and not only lost to a community college, they lost to a community college that shares its name with a docile sea cow." Season tickets are still available.

Lacktion report: We now return to Chris and his regularly scheduled lacktion report:

Bucks-Sixers: Keith Bogans hunted down lacktion successfully with a +2 suck differential in 3:11 via giveaway and foul.

For the home team, Theo Ratliff's contract got nearer to expiration with a 5:3 Voskuhl (three fouls and two turnovers against a field goal and a rebound) in 8:24.

Cavs-Wizards: In bizarro night at the Phone Booth, the Crabs were boiled by the Washington Generals. So it was no surprise that JJ Hickson and Tarence Kinsey rested their pincers in favor of Sasha Pavlovic, who nefariously crawled his way to a +2 via fouls in 4:13.

Jazz-Nuggets: Matt Harpring plucked a turnover and a foul each en route to a +2 in 5:08.

Update! Kobe Bryant: Paid the $165 million in AIG bonuses out of his own checkbook, just to see the employees lambasted and threatened by the rest of the country. Then the checks bounced.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, daily Kobe, Gilbert Arenas, JR Smith, Reggie Evans, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Night

I once posted a list of the basic staples of American comedy, the gimmicks that are always used for (and seem to always get) a cheap laugh. These include (but are not limited to):

1. Monkeys
2. Midgets
3. Fat people
4. Farts and/or poop
5. The Amish
6. Men dressed as women
7. A man getting punched/kicked/shot/etc. in the nuts
8. White people attempting to act like black people
9. Old people trying to behave all young and hip
10. Some random combination of the elements listed above

Now, you get to see one or more (usually more) of these comedic devices during the typical NBA halftime show. However, one of them actually occurs -- with alarming frequency -- during the course of the game itself. Here's a hint: It's number seven. I don't know what the sport of basketball has against the man region, but ballers sure do suffer an extraordinary number of nutshots. (Or worse. Just ask Mo Williams).

In this video, for instance, Danny Granger forgets that he's not playing soccer, and that Antawn Jamison's family jewels are not, in fact, the game ball.


From the YouTube description: "Chandler gets a feel in the 'Smoky Robinson.'"


Hey, remember when Royal Ivey got suspended for an attack on Aaron Gray's meat 'n taters? Of course you don't. You probably don't even know who those guys are. But here's what happened.


Then there's that whole bizarre Reggie Evans/Chris Kaman incident...


Not even the crotches of our team mascots are safe, as Utah's Bear proves here.


And, of course, no rundown of junk assault would be complete without Bruce "The Master of Groin Disaster" Bowen. Watch BTMoGDB give Steve Nash a little [Canadian euphemism for knee in the groin].


Update! How could I forget about the time Avery Johnson cup-checked Josh Howard? Thanks for the reminder, Mr. Anonymous.


Update! Thanks to Reginald from Wasilla and the second Mr. Anonymous for reminding me of that time Chris Paul gave Julius Hodge the five-knuckeled junkblaster.

Labels: Antawn Jamison, Bear, Bruce Bowen, Chris Kaman, comedy staples, Danny Granger, NBA mascots, nutshots, Reggie Evans, Steve Nash, Tyson Chandler