LeBron vs Yuna
LeBron dislikes when the spotlight isn't on him,
and poor Yuna is concerned with what's happening in that banner

Welcome, Basketbawful's loyal readers, to an exciting emasculated AHL edition of Worst of the Night! Let's just be honest here: you're damn right I watched figure skating last night. I love me some dominating performance, just like I wish for the Knicks/Bulls/Heat super team next year. Anyways, lets get to the bawful.

That game literally no one watched: It was a sports filled night, with the TNT slate of superstar suckup, a gritty USA-CAN gold medal hockey showdown, and Yuna Kim dominating her pathetic competitors with sassy yet humble confidence. (You know you love it.). Brandon Jennings scored 9 of the 'sconsin Male Deer's 13 points in the last six minites to hold off a Pacers mini comeba-...ugh, this is just depressing to talk about.

Brandon Jennings: Speaking of The Gumby, you guys have been following this rookie's splits, right? No? Check out his monthly FG% progression: 51.6%, 42.0%, 37.6%, 32.4%, to 30.3% this month. So I guess technically his 6-18 shooting performance was an improvement.

But fear not, readers! This Yung Buck rookie Euro-trotter is figuring his stuff out. Via AP, “I’m starting to learn more as I go how to take care of the ball in late situations,” Jennings said. “Fourth quarter, with three minutes or four minutes to go, I want the ball in my hands.” The mic cut at this point, but I'm pretty sure I saw him mouth that he wants more air-fives in Andrew "20-20-5" Bogut's hands.

The Cleveland Cavaliers: Although they put up a few lazy mini-pushes here and there, mostly consisting of LeBron jacking up threes, the game was pretty much over after the 1st Quarter, where the TNT mics picking up the *word KG actually says during the game very loudly* seemed to inspire the Boston team. Sadly, I missed LeBron's missed dunk due to egregious channel surfing, but was able to catch some nameless skater biff it on a triple axle. Shaq left in the 2nd with a pulled pork sandwich significant right thumb sprain.

There's so many ways to skin this crab. The Cavs are 1-4 with Whiner "Waah I Deserve To Be An All Star" extraordinaire Mo Williams back, 1-2 since Jamison's 12 miss performance, 1-3 since the heart and soul of the team was traded, whichever.

March 21st: Speaking of trades, this would be the day Big Z can return to the Cavs. Which everyone and their mother is already talking about as an inevitability, possibly due to all sports media's contract to fellate LeBron every 49 minutes. This 30 day rule is a joke.


...wait what? The Cavs kept whittling away and fought back? And won by how many points? And Mo Williams played goodish? Ughhh, *KG word*-it, I'm not re-writing the above section...

The Boston Celtics: Speaking of leaving, as in leaving a 44% 3pt shooter wide open multiple times and leaving your offensive game plan to get locked down by the Cavs defence, way to score 30 to Cleveland's 58 in the 2nd half to blow the lead towards a pathetic 106-88 outcome. Now I haven't followed the Celtics as close as Bawful has, but I think they are doing someting similar to Suns style blown leads recently. Well Celtics fans, there's my inkling of sympathy for your situation. Just watching a striking contrast in effort by those Nordic Combined skiiers compared to the Celtics down the stretch could make even the least patriotic puke a little in their mouths.

But now that they actually played a not sucky opponent like the Knicks, seems like they're going to really be missing Paul Pierce. 16 4thQ points Tuesday, and 14 tonight, so I guess you could say that.

Arkansas: For losing to the LSU tigers, where former Tigers alums Big Baby and Big Geritol discussed pregame their alma matter not being winless in the SEC anymore at the Razorbacks expense. Way to fight for that dance spot.

PAC-10: Projecting just California to make it? What the hell guys.

Every skater not named Yuna Kim: You all fail. For not being Yuna. Just stop trying. This is a massacre.

The Golen State Warriors: Speaking of missing the first half of this game, maybe the high pace Warriors were too busy rooting for one of the other skating scrubs as they entered halftime behind 61-42.


...wait, what? They cut it to 65-56? eventually leading to a... oh they still lost. But boy, the crowd is incredible. There's no obnoxious house pop music, and you can actually feel the excitement when Curry pulled off his fakeout swoop shot, then left-handed hook in the 3rd. And when they boo, it's not shallow and angsty like Dallas or Phoenix crowds. Or maybe they're more Taco Bell'd, and just simply accept their 112-127 loss.

Says Barkley: "They're like an untalented Phoenix team". Then again, Sir Charles also claims he's leaving recreational golf for tennis. Anyways, I was curious how often the SSOL Suns gave up 127 points. Turns out, 24 times with a record of 4-20, including OT games. 18 games where 127 was reached in 4 quarters. Golden State over the same time? An uncanny 27 times with a record of 5-22. So I guess my advice to Warriors fans is, even if you end up with an All-Star loaded roster, somehow you'll still get screwed by crappy management and freak injuries.

The "Mr. Big Shot" nickname: Speaking of crappy, okay, does sinking 3s in the 3rd quarter to extend a lead still qualify you for this nickname? Ugh to everyone.

Dirk Nowitski merchandising: Oddly, this is actually pretty bawesome, in a so-far-beyond-the-donut-shaped-universe-it-circles-back-onto-itself way:

Lacktion Report: While not parsing lacktion in Element and Component scores, chris double checks that Russian judge for tonight's short program.
Chris: Before we begin tonight's ledger of lame, I would like to make a shout out to 2009's 2nd overall pick (same spot as Sam Bowie, Shawn Bradley, Stromile Swift and Darko Milicic!) Hasheem Thabeet, the HIGHEST PICKED PLAYER EVER DEMOTED TO THE D-LEAGUE.

Thabeet's career of lack (the 36th player in the Association to garner unproductivity) started on November 2nd with a 54 second Mario, followed with two more somnambulent appearances in the next four days. While he did not go completely unproductive again until February 10th, he earned 6 Voskuhls to that point.

Thabeet's fifth and final appearance in pure unproductivity so far this year was rather recent - a 59 second Mario on February 21st (which also included a +3 suck differential and a 3:0 Voskuhl, giving him a +7 suck differential total for the season). Let's hope it's not the last time his draft bust status reveals itself in the big show!

But wait...there's more - enjoy this quote of motivation and hunger from a man whose current best night in the Association totaled a mere TEN POINTS:
Me being the No. 2 pick doesn't mean I have to go and contribute right away. There's a reason they drafted me. I just have to work hard, get better and then one day be able to answer the call.

Hey, not every 2nd overall disappointment gets the opportunity to earn one more ring than John Stockton or Reggie Miller by sulking on the bench for a championship team! Of course, instead of sulking on the bench, he'd rather Tweet from the mall, so no surprise here...

UPDATE: So this is supposedly only a ten day stint in Dakota. Like ten days are needed to see how astronomically bawful this guy is? One minute perusing the lacktion report is more than enough, I say...

Royal Ivey may now be in southeast Wisconsin, but that doesn't mean he's abdicated from his spot on the ledger - two fouls combined with two bricks from the charity stripe led to a +4 suck differential in 5:23!

Crabs-Celtics: In 2:50 of garbage time, the senior citizens appropriately played out the ancient fariytale of The Three Lacktators - former Knickerbocker Marcus Landry bricked twice from the Custom House Tower for a +2, while Brian Scalabrine glowed in the wake of a 2.8 trillion prize, and Shelden Williams countered a steal and block with two fouls for a 2:0 Voskuhl.

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Blogger chris said...
Hey, remember when everyone said Jennings was going to be a strong ROTY candidate after one 55-point game against the efense of Nellieball!??!

Blogger chris said...
BTW, isn't "Wahhh I wanna be an allstar" more appropriate for Chris Kaman?


As soon as the TNT studio team got on Denver's case for a good five minutes over a "lack of mental focus" in allowing East Oakland's finest to narrow the lead to 9...I just had a feeling the Nuggets would win in a blowout thereafter, which they did.

So I guess my advice to Warriors fans is, even if you end up with an All-Star loaded roster, somehow you'll still get screwed by crappy management and freak injuries.

C-Webb era REPRESENT, right?

(wait, that then also works perfectly for the Bullets and my purple paupers. facepalm.)

Blogger chris said...
Considering the relative lack of basketball IQ on both sides, who'd win a game of 1 on 1 - Mr. Livin' Large, or Hasheem Thabeet!?

And...ah, I love this exchange over at Straight Outta Vancouver, where SactownRoyalty regular Pookeyguru says what I'm clearly thinking:

djturtleface -
Some people say, and I believe, that Michael Heisley (our owner) called in the Thabeet selection and that the basketball people (GM Chris Wallace, coaches, etc.) all wanted Tyreke. I think Calipari even called the Grizz and asked for them to pick Reke.

pookeyguru -
If that's the case every Kings fan should be thanking Michael Heisley right now.

Blogger chris said...
And to put in perspective how completely overstated Hasheem's "potential" was...

According to one post at a Raptors forum, he never even picked up a basketball UNTIL HE WAS FIFTEEN YEARS OLD. Sheesh!

Anonymous winnetou said...
Hm, the Dirk miniature gets jiggy to Falco?
Guess they liked him, otherwise it might be The Hoff's music playing... or maybe they just figured nobody would buy it then.

Blogger stephanie g said...
Chris: Hakeem didn't play basketball until he was 17.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey Bawful,

Shouldn't your blog be impartial? Give it to the Cavs who actually won the game!

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Shouldn't your blog be impartial? Give it to the Cavs who actually won the game!

First, I'm not sure Basketbawful has to subscribe to any specific rules of impartiality. We are the law 'round these parts.

Second, you'll have to take any complaints about this post up with AnacondaHL, who is today's very special guest author.

Speaking of which...so, AHL, would you say that His Crabliness is the Yuna Kim of the NBA? Or is he at that level yet?


Canadian hockey babes celebrate the gold by chugging beers and smoking stogies on the ice! Slideshow!

Of course, the IOC are being a bunch of pissy little bitches about this. But seriously, they're Canadian hockey players. They just won the gold medal in their own country. What, it's bad because they're female and one was a year too young to be swilling beer? This wouldn't have even made news if the men's team did it.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
As a sidenote to the womens hockey team scandal, I just read in SI under the "Who's Hot" section..."best of all, Canada's Jon Montgomery, the auctioneer turned skeleton gold medalist who paraded with a pitcher of beer."

So it's cool if he does it, bad if the womens hockey team does it in semi-private. Got it.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Pictures and video of Montgomery and his pitcher of beer.

The IOC is not investigating him, just fyi.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Reading HFboards, the consensus by forum members there is that the real reason IOC got all uppity because the beer used in the celebration (Molson Canadian) is NOT one of the official sponsors of the Games...

stephanie g: Of course, the biggest difference being that, Hakeem knows how to play, while Hasheem continues to look lost out there.

Blogger Unknown said...
I felt so dirty rooting for the Celtics last night but it was strictly a "lesser of two evils" thing for me.

Am I the only one not impressed with most of the Crabs' wins this season? With few exceptions, any team that puts up a fight against them usually either leads or is tied with the Crabs for the vast majority of the game, and then the Crabs suddenly turn it on halfway through the fourth.

Granted in last night's game the Celtics also did them the favor of just falling apart, but even if a win is a win, six to eight minutes of play - no matter how godly - isn't that impressive to me.

Blogger Jon-Michael said...
Funniest moment of the night watching the Nuggets/Warriors. The crowd chanting DEFENSE! on one of the last Nuggets possessions of the first half. Did someone forget to tell Warrior fans their team had given up 65 first half points?

I'm on board by the way of having Don Nelson change his name to "_on Nelson."

I would love to see a _on Nelson coached team go up against a Paul Westhead coached team. First team to 200 points wins!

Blogger chris said...
Jon-Michael: It's even more amazing that Warriors fans know how to chant "defense" at all, considering its extremely rare appearances at The Oracle.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Funniest moment of the night watching the Nuggets/Warriors. The crowd chanting DEFENSE! on one of the last Nuggets possessions of the first half. Did someone forget to tell Warrior fans their team had given up 65 first half points?

Since AnacondaHL was doing today's honors, I kept dozing off during this game. But I did hear that chant, and it did make me happy inside, kind of like when I see all those people showing up to Detroit Lions games. Sometimes you just have to cheer the lost cause, you know?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
I would love to see a _on Nelson coached team go up against a Paul Westhead coached team. First team to 200 points wins!

How 'bout a seven-game series between _on Nelson's Warriors versus 'Antoni's Knicks? Any defense would be purley accidental.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Of course, the biggest difference being that, Hakeem knows how to play, while Hasheem continues to look lost out there.

That's the rub, isn't it? Some people just "get" how to play the game, others don't. And if you don't, physical skils don't matter. Remember Livin' Large. Mat had the physical size and skills to dominate, at least in college. But he didn't get the game. It was beyond him.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
I got to wake up late due to snow day, so here we go:

Anyways, the story goes I was writing the posts while watching the games (and the other games), and I had already written all those words about the Cavs, and didn't want to just delete them after the 2nd half rolled by as a completely different game. You'll notice those win-loss records assume a loss the the Celtics.

And I really don't want Cleveland to win it all this year, so I knew what bias I wanted from the get-go. Mike Brown winning the championship would be like Brad Childress winning the Super Bowl.

And Yuna Kim is, like, Jordan playing against the Nets. It's just unfair.

And once again, if it wasn't obvious enough, I skipped the first half of the Nuggets-Warriors to watch nervous teenage girls slide and jump and spin and get mentally crushed on ice. However, I've built a mental barrier against crowds that chant "DEFENSE" at awkward times, and I can imagine it sounded just as silly as when the Phoenix crowd does it.

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: AGAIN, I ask, who would "win" a pickup 1 on 1 match between Thabeet and Mat!??! :D

AnacondaHL: Isn't Doc Rivers what Mike Brown is before Mike Brown became Mike Brown? A "coach" designed to hide the fact that a certain player is a less elegant (and less blinged out) Bill Russell.

And every time I hear "defense" at Arco Arena, I don't know how to react, because there seems to be just enough of it to justify chanting it once a game, but not much more.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yea, Doc was bad before the Trio. But he's got that charming personality and can swoon the Boston media, which explains the extended extra chances he's gotten. And complaining about Doc has all but vanished since the title year and Rondo's growth spurt.

Just compare the offenses. There's so much crappy stand around and watch LeBron jack up 3s, it's like just any ounce of coaching would instantly make this Cavs team more likeable and favorites to win.

Anyways, I'm on the Dallas boat now. I hope their trade can push them as unrecognized underdogs and win it all. The Suns and Mavs are Donaghy bros now, afterall.

Anonymous Hellshocked said...

I remember the Jennings talk at the beginning of the season. His 55certainly surprised me but I've never bought into him. His game reminds me of Nick Van Exel and I don't like Nick Van Exel. His shooting will come back and probably improve over the next few seasons but I don't see him ever reaching the Deron Williams/Chris Paul tier of point guards. Hell, I don't even see him coming close to Derrick Rose. I see him more as a somewhat better TJ Ford for the bulk of his career.

If "Livin' Large" is any indication, Thabeet would completely demolish Mat in every conceivable way if they played. Hasheem was a starter at a top of the line basketball program for 3 years. He may be awkward and clueless in the NBA but he is still in the the league. I have a theory that the worst NBA player would be a borderline star to superstar in pretty much every place on earth, with the exception of the more notable Euroleague teams.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AGAIN, I ask, who would "win" a pickup 1 on 1 match between Thabeet and Mat!??!

Thabeet. Mat never even played more than 10 minutes in a single college game.

Of course, I assume you're talking about basketball and not MMA fighting. In which case Mat would have the advantage.

Yea, Doc was bad before the Trio.

That's definitely one of the less publicized problems with the Celtics. They are well-coached on defense and horribly coached on offense. Doc is actually K.C. Jones 2.0, which might not mean much to most people reading this site, but Jones and Rick Robey are the two biggest reasons why Bird "only" won three championships.

Ostensibly, Jones called plays, but he basically used the same five plays Red Auerbach used when he coached Jones in the 60s. Other than those five, it was "post Bird, McHale or Parish."

Give it to your best players and let them do what they do...and isn't that what Doc is doing with the C's today? It's either a post up, staggered screens for Ray Allen, an iso for Paul Pierce or Rondo just dribbling around until he can create something.

Some day Danny Ainge -- who got robbed of at least one title by K.C.'s shoddy coaching -- will look back and realize he should have brought in somebody other than Doc to coach these Celtics. The only thing Doc really did was come up with "Umbuntu" and "convince" the Three Amigos to take fewer shots per game.

Blogger chris said...
AnacondaHL: That means the Purple Paupers are Donaghy second cousins with Team Cuban and The Apostrophe!!!!!!


And wasn't Boston for a while, "stand around and watch Sheed jack up crappy 3's"? Or, as it is now, "hope you have enough energy in your mobility scooters to move upcourt..."

Blogger chris said...
Bawful: Somehow, I think Mat vs. Thabeet attempting joint-locks would be significantly more entertaining than them lacking it up on the playground. (Or maybe kimuras on the playground? One can DREAM!)

(Did Mat ever score any suck differentials or trillions in his days Livin' Large?!)

As for KC Jones's "coaching..." let's say that Bird was actually given Russell-like responsibilities, ca. 1982. How would the period of time from 1985-1988 had played out?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey just a random post here...

These Russian Bobsledder were a little too pleased by their opponent crash.


It's so funny when you forgot you are on TV!

* Opponent Crashed *

Russian Bobsledder 1: "Yes they crashed, we are winning" *claps happily

Russian Bobsledder 2: "you know we are on TV right?"

Russian Bobsledder 1: "Oh crap," quickly changes to grimacing on face "ouch, ouch, that gonna hurt man, that gonna hurt"

Blogger chris said...
So SactownRoyalty is having another night of commenters and regulars visiting Arco Arena and mocking Grant "Peaches" Napear...

I love this one particularly eerie shirt idea for the proceedings:


Blogger Unknown said...
Anyone see this?


The nike hyperize banned by the pistons... The new Kobe's use the same techonology i think. And that dudes ankle is suspect. Bron Bron's shoe too. But do tanks usually get ankle problems?

Anonymous Megaman_X said...
six to eight minutes of play - no matter how godly - isn't that impressive to me

You are so right, Adam. The Celtics' first quarter play isn't impressive at all when they got outscored by the Cavs in the final 3 quarters.