Friday

Ralph Lawler and Michael Smith: In case you've never heard of these two yahoos, Lawler is the Clippers longtime play-by-play announcer and Smith is their color analyst. Well, these two idiots -- in true Clippers facepalm fashion -- were suspended one game by the Fox Sports Prime Ticket cable network for their comments about Memphis center Hamed Haddadi. Here's a transcript of the conversation:

Smith: "Look who's in."

Lawler: "Hamed Haddadi. Where's he from?"

Smith: "He's the first Iranian to play in the NBA." (Smith pronounced Iranian as "Eye-ranian," a pronunciation that offended the viewer who complained.)

Lawler: "There aren't any Iranian players in the NBA," repeating Smith's mispronunciation.

Smith: "He's the only one."

Lawler: "He's from Iran?"

Smith: "I guess so."

Lawler: "That Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "The real Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "Wow. Haddadi that's H-A-D-D-A-D-I."

Smith: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?"

Smith: "If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."

Lawler: "Here's Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball."

Smith: "Especially the post players.

Lawler: "I don't know about their guards."
Mind you, Lawler has been doing this for 31 years, and Smith has been around for 12. How could they not know better than that? I mean, sure, they probably assumed that nobody was watching because it was a Clippers-Grizzlies game, but still. I mean, at least two or three of the players' moms were probably tuning in. They should have realized that and limited their conversation to the discussion of farts and penis jokes...or whatever Clippers fans talk about to distract themselves from the pain.

Yahoo! injury reports: Basketbawful reader William D. sent in this unintentionally hilarious injury report from Yahoo! Sports. Note that Manu was out with a stained groin. As William said: "I guess the Spurs are stately enough that players who can't hold it in get time out."

stained groin

Danny Granger: As hard as it is to believe, the Pacers stood a pretty good chance of knocking off the Craboliers on Friday night, especially after holding Cleveland to only 11 points in the third quarter. Only the Pacers then got outscored 28-13 in the fourth. Granger, who was gobbled up by LeBron James (40 points, 9 boards, 7 assists), snuck out the back door during that final quarter. I'm kidding. He played, but it might have been better for Indy if he had taken off. Here's a summary of what Granger did in crunch time: missed 26-foot three-pointer, foul on J.J. Hickson, assist to Troy Murphy, missed 24-foot three-pointer, missed layup, defensive rebound, missed 22-footer, missed 26-foot three-pointer, foul on LeBron James, 1-for-2 at the line, foul on Mo Williams, missed 26-foot three-pointer.

Remember: he's the Pacers star player...a title he wrested away from the dearly departed Jermaine "The Drain" O'Neal.

Mike Brown, truth machine: Regarding the "coaching" job he did as LeBron put the Pacers away by scoring 10 points in the final seven minutes: "When you have a guy as talented as him, sometimes your best coaching on the offensive end of the floor is staying out of his way." Seriously, that's Brown's offensive coaching philosophy in a nutshell.

Shaq: From the AP recap of the Crabs-Pacers game: "Cleveland center Shaquille O'Neal missed his fourth straight game with a strained right shoulder. He did not travel with the team, and Brown didn't give a timetable for his return." Okay, now raise your hand if you're even remotely surprised about this? No, not you, Shaq. We know you're "injured." Speaking of Shaq...

Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Early on, it looked like coming off the bench behind The Big Geritol was killing Big Z's game. Turns out Big Z's game was dead already. Offensively, anyway. Against the Pacers, Ziggy scored only 4 points in 29 minutes, going 1-for-12 from the field and a Shaq-like 2-for-6 from the line. On the season, Ilgauskas is shooting 37 percent from the field. Memo to the glue factory: get ready. We're going to have a big one for you soon...

The Philadelphia 76ers: Eh? A home loss to the Memphis Grizzlies? Gak. It was the Grizzlies' first road win of the season. Talk about a head scratcher. Philly had 15 steals, 7 blocked shots, and scored 34 points off 23 forced turnovers...and still lost to team that showed up in Philadelphia with a 3-8 record. Then again, the Griz did just waive Allen Iverson, so maybe that was addition by subtraction. Anyway, the Sixers now have to play seven of their next eight games on the road, where they are 2-4. And those two wins were against the Bricks and Nyets...so it's more like 0-4.

Bonus quote: Said Philadelphia coach Eddie Jordan: "It was about team versus non-team." When you're the "non-team" to the Grizzlies' "team," well, it doesn't get much worse than that.

The Miami Heat: Get this: the Craptors shot 58 percent from the field (41-for-71) and 60 percent from downtown (9-for-15) in beating the Heat. It's like the game was a costume party and the Heat came dressed as the Golden State Warriors. But defense wasn't the only problem for Miami. Their bench was outscored 36-10. And now the Heat have gone 1-4 after starting the season 6-1. But don't worry, Heat fans. Dwyane Wade isn't...

Dwyane Wade, quote machine: After losing to the Craptors, Pookie said: "One thing you learn in this league is you don't get too high, you don't get too low. When we were 6-1, if you'd asked me I'd say we've got to continue to get better. Now we're 7-5 and we've got to continue to get better." Actually, after they started out 6-1 I thought they needed to get better. Now I think they have to stop sucking. Big difference.

Trevor Ariza: With Yao Ming and Knee-Mac still out of the lineup, the former role player is now The Man by default. Ariza has responded with career-highs in PPG (18.3), RPG (5.4), APG (3.7) and SPG (2.14). BUT...he's shooting a career-worst 38.8 percent from the field, including only 36.1 percent for the month of November. In Houston's 105-103 loss to the Hawks, Trevor was 7-for-21 from the field and 2-for-8 from downtown.

It's official: Trevor Ariza has become Ron Artest. Scary.

(Hmm. I wonder if heytrevorarizapleasestoptakingsomanybadshots.com is taken...?)

The Boston Celtics: I wonder how 'Sheed feels about predicting 70 wins now? Because the Celtics' 83-78 home loss to the Magic was a pretty sure sign that the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls won't have to worry about their record getting broken any time soon. For the most part, Boston's defense was solid. They held Orlando to 41 percent shooting and scored 21 points off 21 turnovers. But their offense was a flaming bag of poo. The Leprechauns shot 34 percent from the field and missed 17 of their 19 three-point attempts. None of the Celtics starters played particularly well. None of them had a positive plus-minus score. In fact, they were -59 combined (compared to +34 for their bench).

Said Boston coach Doc Rivers: "I think that our team is playing awful. I've been saying it for a week now. We're going to win some games still, but we're not going to win against good teams." He's not wrong.

Vince Carter: From Basketbawful reader Robert M.: "Looking at the Magic vs. Boston box score on ESPN, I noticed that Vince Carter did score 26 points (on 10 for 29 shooting), but he also had 6 turnovers, 6 assists, and 6 rebounds. Does constitute some sort of basketball Satanic curse? Ironically, because none were offensive rebounds, even his stats came up 666, albeit for a different reason (defensive rebounds/total rebounds/assists)." This isn't as surprising as you might think, Robert. Toronto fans have known for years that VC is pure, dag-nasty evil.

Rasheed Wallace: 'Sheed not only stat cursed the Celtics with that whole "70 wins" malarky, he's also helping to shoot them out of games. Versus the Magic, Wallace was 0-for-8 from beyond the arc, dropping him to 22-for-75 on the season (29 percent). It might be time for Doc to have a little discussion with 'Sheed about shot selection...

The Washington Wizards Generals: The story remains the same: Gilbert Arenas is back but nothing has changed. The latest proof was their 127-108 loss to the Oklahoma City Thunder. Current record: 3-8. Remember when the Wiza, er, the Generals were the league's feel-good story a few seasons ago. It kinda feels like that never even happened now.

The Charlotte Bobcats: Everything's coming up sevens for the Bobcats: seven losses on a row and 0-for-7 on the road thanks to 17 missed free throws in a seven-point loss to the Bucks. And they say seven is a lucky number.

Said Gerald Wallace: "This was one of the first times we actually shot pretty good from the field. [But we] missed 17 free throws. We're at this point right now where we dig ourselves out of one hole and end up finding ourselves off in another hole." I hate to tell you, Gerald, but that "hole" is called a grave. Your season is already dead.

The Portland Trail Blazers: Just when you start to think the Blazers have arrived, they crap the bed against a craptastic team like the Warriors. Portland had a serious case of the butterfingers, giving up 32 points off 23 turnovers to a team that had only eight players available and started Mikki Moore at center. That's some major league fail right there. The Blazers also forgot how to put the ball in the basket, as they shot only 33 percent over the last three quarters.

Said Portland coach Nate McMillan: "Everything we talked about doing, we didn't do. The way [the Warriors] play, you can't continue to make those turnovers. They do a lot of things that can get a team frustrated and I think we lost our composure." Can you really trust a team that loses its head against the Warriors? I'm just sayin'...

The Oden Watch: From the AP recap: "...and Greg Oden had 16 points but was plagued by foul trouble throughout the second half for Portland..." Big Greg finished with 4 fouls and played only 29 minutes.

The Denver Nuggets: They lost to the Clippers. 'Nuff said. (But I will also say this: despite making a fourth-quarter comeback, they were down by 19 in the third quarter. To the Clippers. The Clippers. The Los Angeles Clippers. Despite 37 points from 'Melo. Yikes.)

Friday lacktion report: Despite a tropical vacation, Chris came through with this report on a heavy night of lacktion:

Crabs-Pacers: Darnell "Lacktion" Jackson burned up the court tonight by launching a fire flower for a 5 second Super Mario!!!

Grizzlies-Sixers: Jamal Tinsley tediously took up a spot in the lacktion report, fouling once in 4:55 for a suck differential of +1.

Rockets-Hawks: Maurice Evans lucked into becoming tonight's human victory cigar for Atlanta, taking home a 2.05 trillion! (Based on a correction by Soydeedo in the comments: Evans came in at the start of the 4th when the Hawks were only up by 5. He came right out when the Rockets tied the game up at just under 10 minutes left. That's not really a victory cigar. That game went down to the wire too.)

Magic-Celtics: Orlando's JJ Redick flew into the ledger with a +1 via foul in 5:52, while Jameer Nelson's first appearance after an injury provided Stan Van Gundy with a payment of 1.4 trillion!

Generals-Thunder: Okay, Oklahoma City is over 500 and thus able to trot out the tobacco, and the Wizards still want to lack it up in a losing effort? The scouts for the all-lacktion team (read: myself, Dan, NarSARSist and AnacondaHL) certainly should've had a twenty seven-year-old Zenith TV antenna'd up for this festival of forgettability:

For Washington, Dominic McGuire continued to make his case as the Association's most valuable lacktator with a perfect 1 trillion, sharing the spotlight with two +1-via-brick suck differentials in the same timespan from Javale McGee and Nick Young (the latter coming from Bricktown).

For the ex-Sonic-zombies, Nick Collison crashed into a +1-via-foul in 2:21 (also earning a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl).

Bucks-Bobcats: Charlotte's Gerald Henderson spent 33 seconds in Castlevania for a Mario. Inspired teammate Stephen Graham wanted to get a newer video game system, and had a 64-second stint for a Mario 64! (Of course, since that's not ACTUALLY a Mario, he will be credited with the market value of the gaming system - 1.05 trillion.) For Milwaukee, Dan Gadzuric made a shot in 15:18 and took down three boards, only to lose the rock twice and foul four times for a 6:5 Voskuhl.

Blazers-Warriors: In 5:15, Mikki Moore had four assists as a starting center - but pairing that with three fouls results in a 3:0 Voskuhl.

Nuggets-Clippers: Mike Dunleavy had his long-standing hunger for a victory celebration satisfied, sending Steve Novak on the court to yell out "Yo Noid!" for a slice of pizza in a 34 second Mario. And Denver's Malik Allen helped provided the Clippers some rare momentum, as noted by LotharBot in comments:

How can you have missed the most truly bawful player from the Nuggets@Clippers game?

Malik Allen came in with the Nuggets leading 26-14. By the time he left 7 minutes later, the team was trailing 39-32. The Clippers went on a 25-6 run during that span, and the momentum held for the rest of the game.

Malik Allen got dunked on by DeAndre Jordan twice in a row, conceded 3 layups, and put Craig Smith on the line, for a total of 12 points he gave up by not playing a lick of defense... and he looked worse on offense. He was totally lost on both ends of the court.

In 7 minutes, he negated a rebound and an assist with a missed shot, 2 turnovers, and a foul (a Madsen-level 3:1 Voskuhl) and had a game-worst -18 in a 7-point loss.

Saturday

Nyets versus Bricks: Get this: "According to STATS LLC, there hadn't been an NBA game matching teams who had each played at least 11 games and combined to win so few of them since Dec. 3, 1994, when Minnesota was 2-13 as it hosted the 0-14 Clippers." Wow. Talk about scalpers night off. But, since the NBA still forces teams to play until one of them wins...

The New Jersey Nyets: Their 98-91 loss to the hapless Bricks dropped them to an even more hapless 0-13. And things aren't going to get better any time soon. From the AP recap: "The Nets inched closer to the NBA record of 17 straight losses to start a season, held by Miami and the Los Angeles Clippers. They'll try to avoid it during a difficult four-game trip out West that starts with back-to-back games at Denver and Portland, capped by a visit to the Lakers." They aren't going to avoid it. There. I said it. The 2009-10 Nyets will soon rank among the most bawful teams in NBA history.

Said Chris Douglas-Roberts: "I've never been in a situation like this. I really can't describe the feeling I have right now. I take every loss very hard, but this many losses without a win, I really don't know what to feel. I don't know where I'm at right now. Mentally, it's tough." Uh oh. Sounds like it's time to empty CDR's medicine cabinet of anything stronger than lip balm.

Update! Nate Robinson: Ugh! How did I forget about this one! Thanks to Ian for reminding me about how Nate Robinson shot at his own basket! FAIL.


The Philadelphia 76ers: They capped off a winless weekend with a come-from-ahead loss to the Craboliers in which they were outscored 22-10 in the fourth quarter. Philly has now lost six of their last eight games. And if you're looking to lay some blame for the late-game collapse, look no further than...

Andre Iguodala: Iggy scored only 12 points on 22 shots and went 1-for-7 in the all-important fourth quarter. I make fun of Elton Brand and his $80 million contract, but let's not forget that Philly gave Iguodala a six-year, $80 million deal too. I'm sorry, but that's not money well spent. Unless Iggy lays golden eggs or something.

Shaq: Make that five straight games.

The Atlanta Hawks: The dead coach bounce is finally kicking in! After snapping Atlanta's seven-game winning streak, the Chris Paul-less Hornets now have back-to-back wins against the teams that had the best record in the NBA. I guess CP3 was the problem after all. The Hawks might have helped themselves by putting some hands in some faces, as the Hornets shot an eyebrow-singing 70 percent from three-point range (12-for-17). Meanwhile, the Atlanteans hit only 18 percent of their treys (4-for-22).

Trevor Ariza: Has Ariza's shooting hand been possessed by the ghost of Chuck Person? Because T-Rev's crazy shooting continued against the Kings: 7-for-19 from the field, 1-for-6 from downtown. Remember how efficient this guy was last season? Somebody needs to put this dog back on its leash before it keeps knocking over trash cans.

The Houston Rockets: They're making a mockery of my "second game of back-to-backs" theory. After losing on Friday, they won on Saturday. Houston is now 4-0 on the second night of back-to-backs this season. Hey, screw you guys. You're making me look bad.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Things are turning ugly in D.C. Two weekend games meant two straight blowouts for the Generals. It was their eight loss in their last nine games, which dropped their record to 3-9. And Grumpy, er, Gilbert Arenas ain't happy. He almost never is these days. "Everyone's got their own individual goals, I guess. Hidden agendas," Arenas said. "You can't win like that. I guess when you start losing, everyone wants to start pointing fingers everywhere else. I converted my game to try and get people involved. I think the only person who actually had to sacrifice [to win] was me."

Added Brendan Haywood: "Move the damn ball. Play some defense."

Finished Washington coach Flip Saunders: "We're very much in a bad situation. A lot of guys are frustrated, including me."

Bad times.

The Chicago Bulls: The Windy City Stags built a 14-point lead against Denver by the end of the first quarter...then lost by 19. They were repeatedly exploited on defense by good players, whether it was Chauncey Billups (14 points in the second quarter), Carmelo Anthony (30 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists), or J.R. Smith (12 of his 19 points in the fourth quarter). Chicago also got bullied in the paint, where Denver converted 14 layups, threw down 8 dunks, and outscored the Bulls 52-34.

Derrick Rose scored a team-high 28 points, but he also committed a game-high 5 turnovers while dishing out only 3 assists...not a good ratio for a franchise centerpiece point guard. John Salmons scored only 5 more points than I did after going 2-for-11 from the field and 0-for-3 from downtown. Johnny is now shooting 34 percent on the season (and 31 percent in threes). Oh, and Kirk Hinrich was 3-for-10, so maybe he caught a dose of whatever Salmons has.

Home cookin': Utah's 100-97 overtime win over Detroit was the team's fourth straight victory. It sure helped that the Jazz had a 44-25 disparity in free throw attempts. So for Utah, the free throw line was more like a conga line. I'm just sayin'.

The Minnesota Timberwolves: Minny coach Kurt Rambis' metaphorical clothesline by Kevin McHale continued as his Timberwolves got spanked 106-78 by the Trail Blazers for their 12th consecutive defeat. Kurt's triangle offense has been more like a parallelogram so far this season, as Minnesota ranks 28th in PPG (88.8) and 29th in Offensive Rating (93.7 Points Per 100 Possessions). Against Portland, the offense went into a deeper funk than a teenage girl who wasn't allowed to go see the new Twighlight movie, as Minny got outscored 16-0 to start the fourth quarter. For the game, the T-Wolves shot 37 percent and had more turnovers (12) than assists (11). Man, every game Minnesota plays makes Ricky Rubio feel a little bit better about not joining the NBA this season.

After the loss, Rambis said: "We're not secure as a team, we're not together as a team, and we don't have enough experience as a team. When we get in these tough situations, we don't know what to do." Uh, Kurt, I thought "knowing what to do" was something the coach was supposed to take care of.

Saturday lacktion report: From Chris: "Live from a boat, it's Saturday Night Lacktion!!!!"

Knicks-Nyets: In the battle for the worst team this side of the Hudson River, the Knicks somehow lost out by, well, winning. (Despite an intentional own field goal!) Sean Williams's foulout in 15:41 combined with five bricks and two giveaways earned him a 8:5 Voskuhl for the ruble-run enterprise.

Sixers-Crabs: Royal Ivey crowned himself the king of wishful thinking by a hopeful shot from Euclid Avenue, resulting in a +1 suck differential in 4:05 for Philadelphia.

Bucks-Grizzlies: In 9:05, Dan Gadzuric scored a basket and made two rebounds, but four fouls and a giveaway edegd him into the Voskuhl category with a 5:4 ratio.

Kings-Rockets: Jon Brockman banged a question mark box with his head for a 18 second Super Mario!!!!

Pistons-Jazz: Austin Daye dawned into the Oakland County who's who with a 1.45 trillion (1:27) for Detroit.

Bulls-Nuggets: Lindsey Hunter modeled some expensive garb in his 2.6 trillion (2:37) take tonight.

Wolves-Blazers: Wayne Ellington improvised a couple of bricks (one from the Marquam Bridge) for a +2 in 3:46.
Sunday

The Boston Celtics: They barely managed to avoid a winless weekend, and only because Kevin Garnett hit a 19-foot buzzer-beater in overtime to secure a 2-point win over the lowly Bricks. New York scored 100 points against the mighty Celtic defense. It was the fifth time the Bricks have accomplished that feat, which is the longest active 100-point game streak against Boston.

The New York Knicks: Let's hear it for defense! The Bricks totally boned that final play where Garnett beat them with the 19-footer. First off, David Lee switched off to help on Paul Pierce, leaving KG wide open. Said Lee: "I am expecting Pierce to try and make a move and pull up. Good play by them and it's just unfortunate to lose a game like this."

But it's even worse than that. New York actually had a foul to give on that final play...but failed to use it. Said All Harrington: "We wanted to give the foul if Paul Pierce was going to the hole but that never happened. It's frustrating, but we played extremely hard." Awww, diddums play hard, Al? Here. Have a cookie. http://tryingtoohard.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/leave-the-cookie-alone.jpg

Rasheed Wallace: His 0-for-3 performance from downtown dropped him to 22-for-78 in threes on the season (28 percent).

The Indiana Pacers: The Pacers played the role of Slump Busters, letting the Charlotte Bobcats snap that seven-game winning streak and break 100 points for the first time since 'Nam. Leave it to Jim O'Brien's defense to roll over and give up 104 points to the league's lowest scoring team. To make matters even worse, the ancient and mummified Nazr Mohammed utterly dominated the paint, scoring 18 points on 8-for-10 shooting and blocking 2 shots. Said Danny Granger: "Their bigs probably shot 90 percent, 80 percent from the field. We couldn't stop their pick-and-roll, even though we knew it was coming."

DeSagana Diop: I usually leave things like this for the lacktion report, but Diop earned a perfect three trillion against the Pacers. I laugh almost every time I read Diop's line in a box score, mostly because Dallas Mavericks fans were so upset when DeSagana was included in the Jason Kidd trade. I swear, some Mavs fans -- and even some so-called experts! -- were more upset about losing Diop than Devin Harris. It's like those people had never actually watched Diop play basketball.

The Detroit Pistons: It's not all Detroit's fault. They Pistons were playing the final game of a four-game road swing on the second night of back-to-backs, and they had gone to overtime in the previous night's game against the Jazz. Oh, and Rip Hamilton (ankle) and Tayshaun Prince (back) are still out (and they've combined for only four games this season). That said, this was a 26-point loss that felt more like 50 or 60. Detroit never had a chance, and both Amare Stoudemire and Steve Nash got to watch the fourth quarter from the sidelines. And the AP recap accurately described the Pistons' 0-4 road trip as "fruitless."

Anyway, Phoenix coach Alvin Gentry -- whose team drilled 57 percent of their shots and canned 61 percent of their treys -- understood what was up. "I think we were playing a tired team. It was the last game of this trip for them. I thought we did a good job of trying to jump on them early and get off to a good start."

Added Detroit coach John "Who?" Kuester: "There's no excuses in this league. You've got to be ready to go. Everybody keeps talking about the last game of the road trip. I think our frame of mind going into it was right. Sometimes you've got to lie to your body and just say 'Hey, you've got to go.' Unfortunately, tonight we didn't have the juice that we've had."

Ben Gordon: Apparently, nobody on the Pistons was more tired than Air Gordon, who went 3-for-11 (1-for-6 from beyond the arc) and finished with almost as many combined fouls and turnovers (9) as points. He did have 4 assists, though, which might even be a career high. I wonder if they happened by accident...

The Oklahoma City Thunder: Their defense was strangely competent -- the Lakers bonked 12 of their 14 three-point attempts and shot 40 percent for the game -- but their offense needed a bib and a crash helmet, because it was special in that short bus kind of way. Oklahoma City hit 37 percent of their field goals and shanked 20 of 23 from the Land of Three. They also gave up 25 points off 19 turnovers.

Kobe Bryant's three-point shooting: After Mamba knocked down a shot from behind the backboard against the Thunder, teammate Lamar Odom explained Bryant's shooting philosophy: "You see him do things just fooling around with all kinds of shots in practice that you won't normally see. But you expect the impossible, because he's not scared to take any shot from anywhere on the court. So that's why that's the result. It's never a bad shot to him. That's his mentality. He's not afraid to shoot it."

Too true! But maybe Kobe should spend a little more time practicing threes instead of trick shots. After going 0-for-2 from downtown against the Thunder, he is 5-for-28 (18 percent) for the season. Of course, this could be an extension of the fact that he's averaging only 2.1 three-point attempts per game this season, which is pretty low for him. But the Lakers can only benefit from Kobe shooting fewer bad threes, which has been one of his worst habits over the past four or five seasons.

By the way, here's that behind-the-backboard shot:


Truly amazing. But it's worth noting that Larry Legend did it first:


Update! Sunday lacktion report: The late lacktion update from Chris:

Celtics-Knicks: Toney Douglas gave Madison Square Garden a show of mediocrity with a +1 suck differential via giveaway in 6:10.

Pacers-Bobcats: In 8:23, Indiana's Jeff Foster composed three fouls against one board for a 3:1 Voskuhl. Michael Jordan's experiment in team mismanagement shockingly came out victorious, thus allowing for Larry Brown to trout out the celebratory human tobacco. Alexis Ajinca took down a rejection and a brick for a +2 in 3:18, while DeSagana Diop dove into a treasure trove with a 2.55 trillion (2:32).

Hornets-Heat: Joel Anthony avoided pure lacktivity with a block in 7:20, but fouled twice and lost the rock on two occasions for a 4:0 Voskuhl!

Pistons-Suns: Jarron Collins stirred together a foul and a brick in 3:15 for a +2, also counted as a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl.

Labels:

46 Comments:
Anonymous FarmerTome said...
From your Saturday entry on the Atlanta Hawks, you repeat yourself in reference to the Hawks' 3-Point %. I don't know if its a mistake or sort of a joke, but either way I think it is quite funny. But then again, what do I know.

Anonymous Ian said...
How can you leave out Nate Robinson shooting at his own basket, intentionally, and Mike D'Antoni awkwardly trying to pretend he didn't bench Nate for it afterwards?

Blogger BJ said...
I'm a little surprised Robinson's the-gun-accidently-went-off shot on Saturday didn't get its own mention. If the bite I read is true, Coach D'Antoni damn near had a coniption fit.
-BJ

Blogger Basketbawful said...
FarmerTome -- Actually, I refer to the Hornets three-point shooting and then the Hawks three-point shooting.

Ian and BJ -- You're right...my total bad. Updated.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
FRIDAY:
Mo "Fog Raw" was 3/11 for 7 points from the field, and 11/11 from the line for a Dantley.

Tyler Hansbrough picked up 3 fouls (including 1 offensive) and a missed shot all within a 2:14 stretch near the beginning of the 4th quarter. It's as if Indiana won the 2007 lottery.

Another bad team, another career high. Less than a month after torching the Bricks for a then career high 27, Lou Williams ran circles around the Grizzlies for 31.

Toronto also gave up a career high 30 to Mario Chalmers (previous best: 23), which is almost twice his previous season high of 16. Way to do those mini-Nash comparisons proud Jose Calderon.

The Rockets were completely outjumped in their matchup with the Hawks, getting blocked 11 times while not returning any smother chickens. Carl Landry, who was a solid 6/14 for 18 points, would have been a lot more accurate and efficient...had he not been blocked SIX times. Aaron Brooks and Kyle Lowry combined for the other 5 blocks against.

Vinsanity displayed his shotjackery skills by shooting 10/29 against the Celtics. The rest of the Magic starters shot 14/28.

The Generals absolutely refused to cover James Harden, allowing him a career high 25 points on 8/11 shooting.

Jason Terry was 0/5 from downtown, capping off an ugly six game stretch of 1/4, 0/4, 1/4, 2/6, 1/5, and 0/5.

The Bobcats grabbed a mere 2 offensive boards versus 14 for the Bucks. That, along with a terrible 26/43 performance from the line, contributed to the team losing by 7 despite outshooting the Bucks 51%-42% from the field. The 2/14 from downtown certainly didn't help either.

The Nuggets put on their Enver caps against the Clippers. In addition to the hot shooting they allowed, they also let Rasual Butler, who had yet to hit 20 this season, drop 27 points on them.

Anonymous remembah said...
Hey man, you should give Adrian some Love.
Dwight Howard with a Dantley against the Craptors.
4-13FG, 9-14 FTM
Or is 17 Points not significant enough?

Blogger DocZeus said...
I don't know how you don't mention the fantastically bawful sequence that happened in the last minute of the Celtics/Knicks game.

Starting with Kevin Garnett sticking his leg out and tripping Wilson Chandler on purpose, only to have the refs not only not call Garnett for a flagrant foul and eject him from the game but call the ball out-of-bounds and give the ball to the Celtics.

ONLY to make one of the most immediately ridiculous makeup calls when they called Ray Allen for an offensive foul as the Knicks were trying to intentionally foul him.

It's was one of the worst reffing sequences I've ever seen.

Anonymous The Belgium Waffle said...
I think FarmerTone means "18 percent of their treys (18percent)".

Anonymous The Belgium Waffle said...
I was also thinking about a inserting a bawful-record for the WORST team in the league, the Nyets. They are now 3-10 if you count the near-wins(5points or less), maybe this way we can keep them motivated and lure LeBron to Brookl- I mean New Jersey!
Forget the LeBron-thing, the Bricks are an amazing 6-7 team in the Bawful-standings!

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
"the offense went into a deeper funk than a teenage girl who wasn't allowed to go see the new Twighlight movie,"

Bawful, I'm so glad to have you in my life.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
SATURDAY:
The Hawks, tired from the Rockets game the previous day, decided to just chuck up 3s, resulting in days of 1/5, 1/5, 2/9, 0/1, and 0/2 for five hawks, combining for 4/22.

DeShawn "Soulja Boy" Stevenson missed all four 3s, but managed to avoid the lacktion report by grabbing two boards. In the month of November, he is 24% from the field, and 5% (yes, five percent) from downtown. These are his November 3s: 0/4, 0/3, 0/2, 0/1, 1/4, 0/1, 0/0, 0/0, and 0/4. I might have to ditch my Ariza Watch for some Soulja Scouting.
In addition, despite having two solid rebounders in Antawn Jamison and Brendan Haywood, the Generals allowed Theo Ratliff to walk all over them, grabbing 11 bounds in 22 minutes (after having grabbed 5 in his first 55 minutes).

The new Large Hadron Colliders: The eyebrowless one, Charlie V, was 1/6 from downtown, but was not discouraged by his poor shooting, absolutely refusing to pass to teammates. He started off the season with a 1 assist game, then followed it with six games of 0 assists, then three consecutive 1 assist games, and now is working on a 3 game black hole streak. That's right, his season high is 1 assist. That is, however, no match for Drew Gooden. In 219 minutes, Gooden has put up exactly 1 assist. Coincidentally, that came against the Pistons in the last game in which Charlie had an assist. I guess they were trying to show one another what good of passers they are.

A slow day from LaMarcus Aldridge was no problem for the Blazers as Martell Webster scored a season high 21 on the Timberpuppies. His previous season high? Another 16 against the Puppies 10 days prior. Those who don't--yeah, whatever, just a fancy way of saying the T-Pups suck.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
for what its worth, i think Toni Kukoc also made one of those over-the-backboard shots once. sorry but i'm too lazy to find out if its on youtube...

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
SUNDAY:
Despite it being only his fourth game, Lewis has bonked his second 0/6 from downtown this season. However, the ever kind Carter didn't want Lewis to feel alone in his misery, so he missed all 5 of his 3s against the Raptors too. The Magic also did not block a single field goal, amazing considering Howard's block chasing tendencies.

Larry Hughes did his damnedest to help the value of the Knicks draft pick (owned by Utah) by shooting 2/11, including missing all 5 from downtown. Clearly the man can succeed when he wants to. Chris "I am Bill Simmons' Steve Nash" was 1/6 from the field. While Nash has ice running in his veins, Duhon clear has ice running from his fingertips. The Knicks also allowed a season high 33 to Paul Pierce, adding to their already impressive collection.

Another night, another 5 rebound game for STAT. Fun Fact: Stoudemire led the team in rebounding in only 1 of the 14 games the Suns have played so far, a feat even the 6'3" Goran Dragic has matched. Grant Hill has led/tied for top honors in 7 games. Come on Sun Tzu, doesn't the Art of War say anything about boxing out?

From Elias Sports Bureau, via ESPN: The Suns made 42 of 73 field-goal attempts, shooting 57.5 percent, in their 117-91 win over Detroit. That's a remarkable shooting percentage against any team, but especially so against the Pistons, which had not allowed a shooting percentage that high in any of their last 333 games. The last team to shoot that well against the Pistons was Dallas, which hit 59.2 percent in a win on Nov. 19, 2005.
Maybe the Pistons should have hired a defensive coordinator instead.

Rookie James Harden decided to do some repairs on the Staple Center, bricking all 10 from deep and shooting 2/15 overall. The Lakers, agreeing with the disrepair of the Staple Center, engaged in their own brickfest. Eight Lakers took a stab from 3PT land, only Ron Artest made any.
The Lakers engaged in some more bawfulry though. They were surprised by the Odenian Serge Ibaka, who prior to Sunday, had 12 points, 15 rebounds, and 2 blocks the whole season. Ibaka went on a rampage with 11 points, 13 rebounds, and 5 of the Thunder's 15 blocks after the Thunder grew sick of Nenad Krstic. Five different Lakers enjoyed the swats Ibaka served up.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Even though it's not basketball related, I really want to nominate the headline of this ESPN Blog entry: Wood injury another awful blow to Bills
That's the worst kind of injury, and from the looks of it, Dahntay Jones agrees.

Blogger Vasco said...
Bird did it first?

So? I didn't get your point.

Blogger Will said...
NarSARSsist: It's not just eyebrows, Charlie V has no hair on his body. He has alopecia universalis, an autoimmune skin disease which makes his hair fall out anywhere on his body.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
NarSARSsist -- Are you trying to put me out of a job?

Seriously, solid stuff. I'll have to add some of those items to the entry.

Blogger Leland said...
check out the top performers section and look at S. Ibaka's player card photograph.

http://scores.espn.go.com/nba/recap?gameId=291122013

can players really choose their photograph for their espn player card?? I'm going to photoshop some good ones for you bawful and send them later.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Bawful - Blast, you're on to me! But seriously, thank you, and be sure to correct the many typos and mental goofs that are in there. I just try contributing whatever falls through the cracks.

Will - Yes, I know. Sorry if it appeared as though I was taking a snipe at his disorder.

Blogger cmoney said...
"Starting with Kevin Garnett sticking his leg out and tripping Wilson Chandler on purpose, only to have the refs not only not call Garnett for a flagrant foul and eject him from the game...."

easy there, Champ. Flagrant? Ejection? A simple foul call would suffice. You're right the sequence was terrible, though you started it a no-call late. The loose ball was caused by a blatant foul by Duhon who got all arm on Allen.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
Mr. Bawful - You missed a "historic fail" in regards to Friday's Celtics-Magic game, in that the Celtics had their worst field goal shooting percentage game since acquiring Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Also, when you say that Doc Rivers maybe should talk to Sheed about his shot selection, it should be noted that prior to Friday's 0-8 from behind the arc performance, Rivers not only did tell Sheed to stop shooting so many threes, he actually went to the press about it. Sheed is now 0-11 from distance in the two games since Rivers spoke out about it.

Regarding the over the backboard shots from Kobe and Bird, it should be noted that in Bird's day that shot was not allowed, because for some reason the rules stated that if the ball went over the backboard it was a turnover. They've since changed the rule, which is why Kobe's counted last night.

I'm glad to see you getting so down on Trevor Ariza, especially since you were so quick to praise him after only three games. Of course, Ariza's still scoring more than Ron Artest is for the Lakers, but then again, the Lakers really don't want Artest to be shooting it so much as to be averaging around 20 ppg. Still, Artest is not only scoring more this year for LA than Ariza did last year in a Lakers' uniform, but Artest's rebounds and assists are far above what Ariza contributed a year ago, and Artest's 3-pt shooting is far above what Ariza shot in LA as well. On top of that, Artest has had some really incredible defensive performances so far this year, such as last night holding Kevin Durant to only 19 points on 8-20 shooting (and 6 of those points came in the first half when he was being guarded by Adam Morrison), and Thursday's locking down of Luol Deng (only 6 points for Luolz). All in all it's looking like Artest may in fact be a better fit for the Lakers than Ariza was, wouldn't you say?

Also, this happened in football but is truly bawful, especially for a Chicago guy like yourself: did you see Devin Hester get totally depantsed in last night's loss to the Eagles? Thanks to NBC for making sure we got a slo-mo replay of his naked ass like that. I mean, couldn't they have found a different angle to use on that replay? Sheesh.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Yams: following the PHI-CHI gameday thread was awesome. You couldn't tell who was rooting for which team. Not a single person doubted that the game would end in a hilarious Cutlerception.

Blogger Will said...
NarSARSsist- no need to apologize, I was merely pointing out that he is missing more than just his eyebrows.

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
By the way, I thought this was mentioned in the WotW, but Rasheed Wallace managed to completely blank from the field for zero points, the first time in the regular season since 1/31/07, when a Kidd and Carter led New Jersey team said Nyet! to him scoring.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
Yams -- I saw the pantsing live, and I was like, "Hey, that was Hester's ass!" But nobody else saw it and they thought I was crazy. Thanks for the proof, which I will not forward on.

And, as AnacondaHL noted, there was no question that Cutler would throw the game ball into an opponent's hands. Let's face it: Chicago is where quarterbacks come to die.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
I'm not sure that the Clips' announcing team deserved a suspension. I know that reasonable minds could probably disagree about this, but it seems to me that mispronouncing a country (which happens all the time) and making a borat joke about a basketball player on TV are not anything that would offend a person of reasonable firmness.

Nobody complained when Kenny and Charles were playing clips of Borat saying "I LIKE!" and "VERY NICE!!" whenever a clip of Marcin Gortat came up in the playoffs last year- and that was a broadcast that people actually watched (I would be surprised if more than 4 people were watching the clips' broadcast).

Why then is it offensive to people in this case? The question deserves some thought.

Mithings the guy who called in needs to check under his sofa cushions for his sense of humor.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
AK Dave -- I know what you're saying. I do. Did their comments cause any "real" harm? Probably not. But considering the political climate, well, some things really are better left unsaid.

Blogger Wild Yams said...
It should be pointed out that only one person complained about the Clipper announcers, and that was enough for them to get suspended.

NarSARSsist - Speaking of Sheed's underperformance in Boston, these tidbits were on ESPN yesterday:

Sheed jacked up six shots Sunday, missing them all, went 0-for-3 from 3-point range and picked up his league-leading fifth technical foul. Coach Doc Rivers yanked him with 7:46 left in the fourth quarter and didn't re-insert him until 9.3 seconds remained in overtime. Wallace has now attempted 128 shots this season, an astounding 81 of which have come from behind the arc. He's shooting 36 percent overall, but just .271 from behind the arc, ranking him 183rd league-wide in 3-point accuracy. Only Trevor Ariza (99), Danny Granger (88), Peja Stojakovic (86), Danilo Gallinari (84) and Channing Frye (83) have attempted more.

Wallace has grabbed only 11 offensive boards all season, eight fewer than Shelden Williams and nine fewer than Rondo. (And if we take a broader look around, we can include Jon Brockman, Nathan Jawai, Damien Wilkins and Jonas Jerebko among the players with more total offensive rebounds than Wallace.)

Ouch. We may need to start a Rasheed Wallace Offensive Rebound and/or Three Point Shooting Watch if this keeps up.

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Its a matter of too close, but not far enough. No one (I hope) would confuse Poland and fake Khazakhstan, but Gortat is just fun to make fun of for what he did.

But to joke solely on last name, acknowledge Iran and still go forward with the comments, bad. Atleast they could have gone for a Twitter election joke if they wanted to screw being PC.

Blogger Dan B. said...
Wild Yams -- Unreal. Until you posted those numbers, I just had assumed Sheed's tenure in Boston up to this point had been a failure. I was wrong, it has been EPIC FAIL. But come to think of it... every Boston game I've watched this year has left me saying this at some point: "No, Sheed, don't shoot the bad three... don't shoot it... Sonofabitch, he shot it."

Blogger The Dude Abides said...
I should point out that "eye-ran" is the traditional English pronunciation of Iran. The native pronunciation is of course "ee-rawn." Nobody complains when people don't pronounce Los Angeles the way native speakers do, which is "loas awn-hay-lace."

Of course, I don't mind a suspension for Lawler and Smith on general principle for their assclownery, regardless of whether or not they were offensive.

Blogger Buck Nasty said...
Really? Are you kidding me? I mean, I get that if they made a joke about Iran, but they just mispronounced the name of the country. Then they said he LOOKED like someone. They used Gortat's last name solely for the same damn joke, on TNT. How about putting "white face" on Charles Barkley? That was on a fuckin' national broadcast. Maybe I'm offended as a white guy by that.

I'm really offended by Charles Barkley because he went to Auburn, though. Although I did love how he essentially admitted that they let him cheat through school (big surprise about any college program, right?).

Anyway, I think Charles and those guys get a pass because they aren't old white guys making fun of different races.

Anonymous Ak dave said...
Buck Nasty-

And that gets to my question:

Why are people offended here? Is it because of the joke itself, the "political climate" as Dr. Doom suggests, or is it the source of the humor?

Exact same joke, different source, different result. Hmm.

Also- The Dude Abides points out the obvious fact that every country is mispronounced all over the world. IN fact, we change the names of countries entirely to fit our own linguistic peculiarities. "Italy" is really "Italia". "Germany" is "Deutschland" (not even remotely similar). That is why I say that a person of "reasonable firmness" (that means: not a flapping vagina) should not be offended by that mispronounciation.

Anyway, like I first stated, reasonable minds can disagree. But it does make you wonder a little bit.

WV: tardeg

exactly

OpenID NarSARSsist said...
Everyone who thinks the suspension was unmerited - When 25 - 50% of your viewers speak out in protest, you have to listen, justified or not.

Yams - Awesome to see Sheed doing so well in Boston. Remember, they're only paying him about $12 million or so over two years. It's a token price to pay for a sub-mediocre player. Where's 'Toine? This kind of SWACing makes me miss good ole Antoine "I shoot threes cuz there aren't any fours" Walker.

Blogger DocZeus said...
"
easy there, Champ. Flagrant? Ejection? A simple foul call would suffice. You're right the sequence was terrible, though you started it a no-call late. The loose ball was caused by a blatant foul by Duhon who got all arm on Allen."

The man tripped another man when he was running. He made no attempt at the ball. He stuck his leg out for god's sake. I don't know how you don't call that, at least, a flagrant.

Blogger soydeedo said...
"Rockets-Hawks: Maurice Evans was tonight's human victory cigar for Atlanta, taking home a 2.05 trillion!"

Evans came in at the start of the 4th when the Hawks were only up by 5. He came right out when the Rockets tied the game up at just under 10 minutes left. That's not really a victory cigar. That game went down to the wire too.

http://espn.go.com/nba/playbyplay?gameId=291120001

Blogger Fishy said...
About the suspensions....

Only in America.

Blogger LotharBot said...
How can you have missed the most truly bawful player from the Nuggets@Clippers game?

Malik Allen came in with the Nuggets leading 26-14. By the time he left 7 minutes later, the team was trailing 39-32. The Clippers went on a 25-6 run during that span, and the momentum held for the rest of the game.

Malik Allen got dunked on by DeAndre Jordan twice in a row, conceded 3 layups, and put Craig Smith on the line, for a total of 12 points he gave up by not playing a lick of defense... and he looked worse on offense. He was totally lost on both ends of the court.

In 7 minutes, he negated a rebound and an assist with a missed shot, 2 turnovers, and a foul (a Madsen-level 3:1 Voskuhl) and had a game-worst -18 in a 7-point loss.

Blogger Luke said...
Gilber/Shaq/Laura Govan Love triangle. Enough said.

http://www.nowpublic.com/sports/shaq-divorce-caused-gilbert-arenas-fiance-laura-govan-2513447.html

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
Hrm. It seems like we've hit a touchy subject here at BasketBawful.

I highly recommend that everyone please refer to the racist chart, to remind yourself just how much of a racist you actually are. It will be of great help to continuing the discussion.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
AnacondaHL: Damn. I guess that's that- I'm racist. After all, I'm not sold on Jamarcus Russell!

:D

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
JaMarcus Fumble's suck transcends all race barriers. Like Jackie Robinson, only the exact opposite.

Actually, I take that back. Even though he's making Bruce Gradkowski look like the savior of Oakland, he's not even the worst QB right now in the NFL. Ughhh. *continues watching Titans-Texans*

Blogger chris said...
LotharBot: Thanks for the update, can someone else post that as I'm still on vacation? :D

Blogger Fantasmagoriam said...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDUl_qj4U9w

Even Marco Freakin' Belinelli's done it!

Blogger K_Yew said...
Should Lawler and Smith resign? More here:

http://willworkforjustice.blogspot.com/2009/11/ralph-lawler-and-michael-smith-racists.html

Blogger chris said...
Okay, I've finally been able to make the corrections to the lacktion report in this post :D Now that I am back from my vacation...ugh...updating the lacktion spreadsheet promises to be painful, indeed, but at least I can look forward to seeing Steve Novak's line on the table get larger and larger.

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