Merry Birdmas, everyone! This year we have a real treat for you - an exclusive tour of LarryLand, a vast theme park located on the outskirts of French Lick, Indiana, devoted to Larry Legend. We visit the top attractions of this amazing park, like Bill Russell Title Town, DJ's Science Circle, and the Larry Coaster. We even get an inside look at some of the quirky, but devoted fans who visit LarryLand. Prepare for a Larrylicious amount of fun. - ET


Editor's note: For those of you missing the usual bawful, Worst of the Night will return tomorrow.

Labels: amusement park, Basketbawful, Boston Celtics, Evil Ted, Larry Bird, larryland, theme park

Many years ago, when Bawful met my first kid, a toddler at the time, he chose to try to entertain said kid by jumping around and doing a monkey dance. I knew instantly this was a mistake. For the next hour, my son commanded that he "do the monkey dance." He soon learned, as I already knew, that apathy and distance is a far better approach.

Anyway, he wanted me to let you children know that Livin' Large should be back tomorrow. While a few of of you couldn't be content to let the guy take a well-deserved break, and chose instead to wise off to me, the vast majority of folks have been pleasant and understanding, and for that I am appreciative.

In lieu of Livin' Large (which will be back tomorrow - did I mention that?), here is our final bit: a couple of DVD Extras (if there were a DVD) - The continued search for basketball in Pisa soiled by ubiquitous graffiti (during which I show that I'm still reeling from a Xanax overdose), and a tribute to the seizure-like editing and direction of Matt Damon's Jason Bourne movies (particularly the third installment - "The Bourne Ultimatum").

Labels: Basketbawful, DVD extras, Evil Ted, Italy

And now, the grand conclusion of the Basketbawful / Evil Ted Italian excursion. At this point in our video, we've completely lost our minds, and I've gone stir crazy to the point of having an unhealthy attachment to the real human hair mustache I purchased before the trip. Thanks Broadway Costumes!

In this installment, we scale the Leaning Tower, enjoy the outtakes, and answer a question raised in Part One.

Labels: Basketbawful, Evil Ted, Italy, mustache, part three, part tre

The second installment of Basketbawful's and my trip to Italy is the most disturbing and creepiest of the trilogy (I hope). With mention of Italian gas chambers, a run-in with a naughty bidet, and ill-mannered disturbances at the Pisa Baptistry and Cemetery, here's where it gets weird.

Having pretty much given up on our effort to locate basketball in Italy, Basketbawful and I are now exhausted and punch drunk, only able to entertain ourselves with giant calzones, Stracciatella gelato (which is basically a high octane, kick-ass version of chocolate chip ice cream), and nightly doses of fun from our friends at Rifftrax. As a result of our growing weariness, our focus strays from basketball (mostly), and turns to childishness and chicanery.

Watch in horror. Don't say you haven't been warned.

Labels: Basketbawful, Evil Ted, Italy, part deux, part two, pisa

As some of you may already know, Basketbawful and I were sent by our Clark Kent job employers to the graffiti-strewn yet charming hamlet of Pisa, Italy for two weeks of grueling labor, peppered with brief glimpses of sweet, almost vacation-like freedom.

Bawful and I pride ourselves on being able to identify an opportunity, especially when said opportunity smashes us in the face with a shovel. This trip was, quite clearly, a rare chance to bring our special brand of mediocre entertainment to you on a global scale.

Here, we bring you Part One of our video, in which we conduct a not-very-exhaustive-at-all search for the sport of basketball in Pisa. Enjoy.

Labels: basketball, Basketbawful, Evil Ted, Italy, part one, pisa, search

OK everyone, Basketbawful is a indisposed for a while, so I, Evil Ted, must subject you to my hijacking of the site again (don't be fooled by the "by" line above - it's me). Anyway, as I toddled around some of bawful's incomplete "draft" posts, I found this writing about our playing once again on the road in my old league. It is incomplete, but I have recovered and published what I can. It's kind of like the museum display of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Well, it's actually nothing like that at all, for the writings of bawful, even the incomplete ones, are much more sacred than anything else ever published (please send all religious hate mail to: P.O. Box Bite Me, Wilmington, Delaware).

So here's what I found:

"Well, Evil Ted and I returned to the scene of the crime last night: The All-Hackers Pickup League. Before we left work, ET told me: "Tonight, let's keep our mouths shut and just play the game." I laughed and replied: "Hey, I wasn't the one who went off last time." To which he said: "Okay, fine. I'll keep my mouth shut and play the game."

Stat curse.

I showed up about a half hour early to warm up and shoot around. I was feeling pretty good, light on my feet. And I suppose I should interject something here. Last winter, I suffered a bad foot injury in a pickup game. I limped around for a week or so before finally going to the doctor. He said it was most likely a strained or torn muscle on top of the foot...the kind of thing that couldn't really be treated. It would have to heal on its own over time. My first question: "Can I keep playing basketball?" He told me yes, that it probably wouldn't make the injury any worse. So I kept playing twice a week.

But I struggled. I wouldn't tell anybody about my injury because, frankly, when other pickup ballers play the injury card it feels like a cheap excuse.

Hubie Brown always likes to say that when a player can"

And this is where bawful's post ends, tragically cut short by either apathy, or dread that the post was going nowhere, or perhaps, just perhaps, the hope that this post would someday be discovered by a courageous band of men in search of a Holy Grail...



I issue this challenge to you, readers of Basketbawful. Complete the Hubie Brown sentence. Be serious, be funny, be creative, be annoying...be any of these things, but be interesting (update: kneejerknba has started you out with an outstanding example). And hell, if you can actually figure out what bawful was going to say for real, maybe you'll get a prize (but don't count on it).

All I can add to this is my perspective of the evening in question. After having complete gone super Evil Ted in the league on the previous visit, I felt compelled to be super nice and ultra courteous. Needless to say, my team lost all night. We were bad, I mean "lose to a drunken band of midgets" bad. There's something about being a nice guy and winning that doesn't seem to mesh well together (see Steve Nash's career). But don't worry, I am certain in the coming weeks, my concern for what others think of me will evaporate, and the evilness of Evil Ted will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes (but nothing like the Phoenix Suns - again see Steve Nash's career).

I shall be on a golf course all day, but upon return I shall post all of your fabulous entries. Don't disappoint me, you little bastards - oops, Evil Ted's little vacation is over, it appears.

Labels: Basketbawful, complete that sentence contest, Hubie Brown

This just in from the World of Mighty Science: We are both sexy and opinionated. Of course, the "sexy" part isn't news to me, simply validation of what that beautiful man in the mirror tells me morning after morning. Besides, who am I to argue with Science?

Here's the new Blogdome Atlas posted by Tom Ziller at BallHype:


It's interesting to note that we're roughly the opposite of Deadspin -- for whom I also write -- since Deadspin is rated as more informative and staid. So, hey, I get to be the best of everything. Damn, I rock.

[Hat tip: TrueHoop.]

Labels: Basketbawful, dead sexy, opinionated

Ladies and gentlemen, we at Basketbawful are venturing into new territory: Original programming. No, we're not quite HBO yet, but this is a start. Eventually, we hope this will do for us what it did for MTV...transform a juggernaut-building convergence of spectacular entertainment into an endless string of unwatchable teen reality shows. Next up, Basketbawful's "Road Court Rules" and "Pimp My Blog."

Okay, on to the video at hand: Evil in the hands of Evil Ted on a basketball court becomes a gray, gooey substance called Pure Evil. Pure Evil -- like porn where the chick looks like she actually enjoys taking the money shot -- is a rare thing to come by. What follows is a sad attempt to fabricate that evil on video. If the result looks moronic, then assume we intended it to be that way. If the result looks like genius (it won't), then feel free to make a large donation to our PayPal account.

Labels: Basketbawful, Bastard, Evil Ted, Hardwood, premiere video

If you suck and you know it, clap your hands.
The first game jitters continued last night...

1. Shaq: The Big Braggadocio made some pretty bold promises during the preseason. Specifically, he said he was going to return to his old dominating ways until Dwyane Wade comes back. "As a tamed tiger now, you always go back to what you know, a la Siegfried and Roy. I’ve been tame the last couple years, but here’s a chance for me to go wild again." Well, the tiger sure seemed pretty tame last night: 9 points (4-of-6), 7 rebounds, 2 assists, 4 turnovers, 5 fouls, scoreless in the first half. Shaq complained after the game that he needs more than six shots to be effective, but the Pistons used double-teams and zones to limit his touches. They also took advantage of the Diesel's lack of mobility and lateral quickness on defense to get him into foul trouble. Since Shaq's offensive repertoire consists of posting up and either dunking or tossing in a little hook, the Heat can't really get him going if he can't power through swarms of defenders on his way to the hoop. And it sure doesn't look like he can do that anymore.

2. Phoenix Suns: Coach Mike D'Antoni likes to refer to the Suns' high-speed, high-scoring offense as "organized chaos." Last night, it was mostly just "chaos." The usual flow and consistency was missing. It was sort of like watching a 15-year-old kid playing as the Suns in NBA Live: Lots of frenetic sprinting around and jacking up questionable shots. Steve Nash had 7 turnovers, some of which were just careless and ugly. Grant Hill -- a career 24 percent three-point shooter -- jacked up seven threes and made only one of them. Leandro Barboso looked skittish in scoring only 9 points on 3-of-7 shooting, 1-of-4 from three-point range. Shawn Marion played well: 14 points (7-of-10) and 11 rebounds. But he was also quick to denigrate Kevin Durant's performance after the game. "Oh, he ain't shy to put that thing up," Marion said. "You shoot 23 times, you can get 27 points, easy." Forget the fact that this was Durant's second pro game, and that it came on the second night of back-to-backs. Not a very classy thing for an eight-year veteran to say, but just another example of how Marion's insecurity gets the better of him. One last note: Grant Hill played an intense 33 minutes last night. He took two hard falls on fast break layups, and both times I winced in fear. Watching Hill play at the Suns' breakneck pace is like watching somebody juggle your grandma's antique China; you're expecting something to break into a million pieces any minute. I just don't think Hill can stay healthy playing like that for 81 more games and the playoffs.

3. Basketbawful: I sort of dismissed the Houston Rockets out of hand in my Bestern Conference Season Preview, but damn...they look pretty good, don't they? They're talented, deep, and they seem to really enjoy playing together. T-Mac looks fantastic, Yao looks solid and, more importantly, healthy. Luis Scola gives them some muscle and attitude, Shane Battier is Shane Battier, and even Mike James looks like a real player again. The Rockets have opened the season with impressive back-to-back road wins, the second of which was a sound beating of a very good (or so it seems) Utah Jazz team. And yes, I realize there are still 80 games left for Mcgrady and Yao to get hurt, and that these guys have yet to break the dreaded first round curse. But for the moment, it looks like I was way off about these guys. The Spurs, Suns, and Mavs better keep an eye over their collective shoulders.

Labels: Basketbawful, Houston Rockets, Miami Heat, Shaq, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night, Yao Ming