No KD, that's the wrong ball. It's over, just...look, you're making this hard on both of us...

Kevin Durant's acne: Good morning readers of Basketbawful! We started off the night with some excellent close-up KD interview acne....bleegh. Eh, the ESPN pre-game is crap anyways, I'm turning it off until 9.

But I couldn't resist hearing what "bold predictions" would be made tonight:

Magic: KD 50 in a loss
JB: J.J. with 25-8 in DAL win
Wilbon: OKC win tonight

Sadly, it was obvious that JB made the most reasonable guess. And so it was.


The Chokelehoma City Blunder: Here we go again. Up by 7, 5 minutes to go, close out by getting out-scored by 17-6. How did this happen? Again?

The game started ugly, with Dirk's failed attempt at Kevin Love Outlet, and for the whole game Dallas was TERRIBLE at recognizing Nick Collison on the baseline just outside the paint. But the tide first changed with yet another Harden flop attempt. Only this time, the home crowd did not buy it at all, and neither did the refs.

(video?)

But that didn't stop the refs from sucking in general. Poor Dirk, up until the first minutes of the 4th, was getting hammered harder inside than Tori Black. Didn't the refs get the memo that the 2006 rematch hasn't officially started yet? In related news, Nick Collison set an NBA single game record with 9 personal fouls.

Yet thus is the value of experience, and Dirk yet again did his thing. More on this later. Marion put on a throwback defensive performance, and hell even his floater makes and 4 ft misses brought me some nostalgia of his Suns days. Okay back to Dirk. Check out how he ended the 3rd:

Dirk "German Doctor J" Nowitzki.

Mark Jackson, quote machine: "No disrespect, but I'm gonna disrespect Chandler!"


Jeff Van Gundy, quote machine: "Brendan Haywood is stroking it!"

Really though, would you even believe me if I told you that Brendan Haywood sinking free throws helped keep the Mavs afloat?


Russell "please don't start calling him by the nickname Mark Jackson made up 'Wild Thing'" Westbrook: Granted, the OKC choke was more evenly distributed tonight, but it seems only fair to start with Westbrook. Starting with that terrible play in the third, when dribbling it up the court on the sideline with Jason Terry defending. I think a whistle was blown almost simultaneously as Terry tried to reach in for the steal, but Westbrook just lost it and elbowed Terry directly into referee Monty McCutchen. You could see him visibly stunned and pausing for a second, like "wait, aren't I supposed to be giving you the benefit of the doubt on these whistles? Sorry bro, I gotta T that, because that was completely dumb". Westbrook finished with a Heroic Kobeian 31 points on 11-28 shooting.


Oklahoma in the last 5 minutes: Let's look at the numbers: 6 PTS, 2-10 FG, 2-2 FT, 9 REB, 7 TO (including a double dribble!), 6 PF (only 1 intentional). And although they got some good rebounds, they also gave up some terrible ones, including giving Dirk a second chance to try another wide open 3, which had a 107.12% chance of going in based on my calculations. And the terrible rebound that led to a Marion essentially-go-ahead fast break dunk, only Marion is Marion and kinda awkwardly bumbled and decelerated, allowing Durant to catch up and foul him while having no chance at preventing the score. Just wow.


Oh and Westbrook left the court early, which is kinda becoming no longer faux pas to do. Or the media will bring it up and compare it to the Pistons or LeBron or whoever doing it, which is giving him way too much credit. Or some other shit I don't really care.


Doris Burke, quote machine: "Mark [Cuban], if it's possible to be conspicuously inconspicuous, while there are no complaints out of New York, you have been remarkably quiet. Why?"


The Dallas Mavericks: For leaving behind the trophy, leading to Jason Terry awkwardly walking back out to the court to pick it up. But props on everyone walking away from Doris Burke at the end, prompting her to display the most emotion she's ever expressed, wondering why everyone was abandoning her.


Scott Brooks post-game press conference: Wanted to get the fuck out of there (and did so)


Kevin Durant post-game press conference: First words: "What up."

And did someone actually ask him how he felt about Dirk getting back to the Finals? I can't even joke about this ironically, because I know someone will twist this sound clip negatively against KD.

Harden was there sporting a backpack too, (DOUBLE BACKPACK, WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!), and was probably only there in the first place because Westbrook was being "u mad" on the team bus. But more on the backpack. What a terrible collage of colors. The Durant bag is simple and conveniently functional, the Harden bag was just trying too hard. May this press conference be the harbinger (including the reason for Westbrook's absence) for OKC's over-hyped future.

Oh who am I kidding, I'm gonna miss the backpacks. Please don't use HGH in the offseason, Durant.


The Los Angeles Lakers: LOS ANGELES (AP) --In the boldest move big business has seen since Domino's adopted their Maoist self-criticism marketing strategy, the Los Angeles Lakers have signed Mike Brown as their head coach in a 4 year $18 million deal. Sadly, there's no improved spices on the crust of this deal, however legions of Celtics, Spurs, Jazz and Pacific Division fans have taken to the streets in jubilation upon hearing this news, some crying with palms upwards towards the sky.

"It's a miracle," proclaims one Phoenix resident. "The second coming; it's glorious. We're all saved."

Ticket sales for Lakers away games have skyrocketted across the nation (and Toronto I guess), as people want to get a first glimpse of this historic moment. Meanwhile, discussions and general anxiety have rapidly spread, as the rate of Twitter tweets and blog posts from greater Los Angeles area IP addresses has increased tenfold over the past 24 hours.

"Yea, that Campang guy was right, this is pretty much the rapture," one fan bemoans outside of Staples Center, his Kobe 8 home jersey swaying listfully in the smog as he uses his smartphone to update his Facebook status on a network he thinks is 4G because 4G is in the name but is actually far slower than the real 4G standard specifies. A small group of self-proclaimed "real Lakers faithful" have gathered in front of the stadium with signs of protest against the decision. Other vocal fans seem to have quickly moved into their acceptance stage of grief.

"Well I mean, his record isn't THAT bad, and he led LeBron and the crappy crap Cavs to like, 69 wins and a bunch of Finals and stuff, and he can fix the Lakers's defensive problems!" posts an anonymous fan on some forum. Sources say a few tried to "white knight" for the relatively reasonable poster before being overwhelmed by requests to STFU.

Mike Brown could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy spouting metaphors on ESPN's half-time show, and developing a game plan to not have Kobe hate him within 24 hours.

Former Lakers head coach Phil Jackson could not be reached for comment, although we think we heard him snickering and choking on his own spittle before hanging up his cell.


Novak Djokovic's opponents: Play the entire game assholes, there's already enough accusations of throwing matches in tennis as it is.


Lay's Lightly Salted Chips: Curse your magic, making me type with one hand until I finished consuming you! You're not even that delicious, why can't I stop...


Marriage: One word - Humpdashian.


-AnacondaHL

Labels: Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, I freaking hate the Lakers, LOL, Mike Brown, Oklahoma City Thunder, Russell Westbrook

Snoop gotta avoid looking directly at the suck.

The Los Angeles Los Lakers: Hey guys, the Miami Heat have won a basketball game against the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers.

















The Nueva York Knickerbockers: With 52 points and three players in double figures at the half, the-...

...

...what? Is there any more I can add about a game between two good teams I highly dislike (for different reasons, obviously) that will be reported on ad nauseum even moreso than usual today? Can't a man intentionally choose to take a fantastic nap and not DVR said game and happen to wake up in time for the next game and just leave a big blank space instead? I can't even throw in a sarcastic "Lakers are struggling the Heat are BACK AND SURGING" joke because people will actually be supporting this angle. In expectation of overly-critical Lakers fans, and bandwagon Heat fans trying to be cute and talking about good basket game wins, I choose to not contribute.

OTOH, maybe we're saved from the worst...

Sorry, I don't have credits for whoever made this! But you are awesome.

(Note: The graph was created prior to that barftastic Emperor Riley article after the Portland loss.)

OTOOH, maybe the worst is yet to come...

Doesn't it start to hurt? After all that masturbation?

Video evidence of Kobe Doin' Work After Work. Okay, enough of that. There is this one other thing...

Chris Bosh, quote machine (as seen first on TNT's Halftime Report): "It was just a relief really,... just to come out on top, you know,... it's the best thing to do sometimes, it's just, y'know, get a little man hug, and keep going." *sex offender grin*

Hey guys, ready for our post-win manhug?

Back to our regularly scheduled Basketbawful...

The Nueva York Knickerbockers, take 2: They held the Mavs to only two players in double figures at the half, which is nice I guess (Terry with 14, Marion with 12). But a team scoring 72 by the half? Sounds like someone was playing a D'Antoni team!

[[D'Antoni not amused stock photo]]

Sure the Knicks made a little run to keep it within, uh, 15, but when all you get is 2 points from your starting Center (Jared Jeffries? That's our D'Antoni!), and 2 points from your bench (minus 6th man Shawne Williams, in a combined 46:20 playing time), losses like this are just gonna happen.

Said poor Marv Albert in desperation: "Fans, we've got a game! This is the closest it's been in the 2nd half!" with 3:46 left in the 4th and the Knicks still down 115-104, as the game inched closer to it's 127-109 conclusion with nearly every courtside seat empty.

And Corey Brewer had his say in something that I guess counts as a revenge game, having only been a Knick for a few hours, but alas, may his 7 points on 3-4 shooting with 4 REB, 4 AST, 2 STL, 1 TOV, and 5 PFs in just 16:50 minutes performance be forever burned into New York history.

I play basket game for New York

Meanwhile, the Mavs are now in a 20-3 stretch, with all 3 losses by only a single point.

Amar''''''e Stoudemire and Bennett Salvatore: But let's rewind to the 2nd quarter, where STAT picked up his 16th technical of the year on a classic NBA 2010-11 Respect The Game call. I mean, he wasn't moving towards the official, and his hands weren't even above his shoulders, let alone his head!!

I'm still torn between being happy that whining is being punished, and giving official more control of the games, and the widening gap between superstar treatment and the middle class NBA player, and the fact that we have to look for stupid shit as I demonstrated in jest in the prior sentence.

Meanwhile, Salvatore is still referee filth, nothing new to see here.


Le Basket Game!

The Phoenix Heart Attack Suns: To be fair, this atleast was a different heart attack than what's been happening lately skating by with all these close wins. Just horrible stretches of nothing but turnovers, topped off by this lovely sequence to end the half:

0:06 55-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Nene Hilario steals)
0:04 57-49 Hakim Warrick bad pass (Ty Lawson steals)
0:01 59-49 Grant Hill bad pass

And even though it seemed like both teams needed MORE TURNOVERS FOR THE TURNOVER GODS, games with each team recording 19+ TOVs are surprisingly common, having already happened in 41 times this season.

So the Suns became yet another casualty to Denver's wounded tiger run. As this point late in the season, looks like this will be enough to ensure Denver's playoff spot, while Portland's resuccitation, Memphis's solid play with or without Gay, and New Orleans's sqeezing every last Win Share out of Chris Paul combine to make Phoenix the 9th wheel. With our potential draft pick being estimated in the Jimmer Fredette range, and a potential lockout to strip us from Nash's potential last season in the valley, things are not looking hopeful for the Suns faithful.

Not good at all. I tried telling myself at the beginning of this season to not put hope in this team. Somehow I got suckered in again through some cognitive dissonance from the Hedo trade, to Gortat finding statistical manna playing with Nash. Stuck in the dreaded treadmill of mediocrity, as put by Mark Cuban recently at the Sloan Conference.

I don't know why I chose tonight to decide to believe this, after all the other rants I've incoherently put together. I like to believe in miracles, as something that occurs outside of ones picture of reality. Reasonable miracles really, such as a Tim Duncan 3 pointer, or Tim Donaghy.

But at some point, things hit a limit of reasonability at a different point for any given individual. Obviously all 29 other NBA teams could be replaced by D-Leaguers and Andrea Bargnani's, and hope would be restored. But after tonight's game, I just feel enough of the picture is shown, that there's no reason to hope anymore. I can't even bring myself to see the playoffs percentage countdown from 30% to 0%, as I did back in 2009. Sure I'll continue to read what they say on Twitter, watch Gortat highlights on YouTube, and be amazed at the agelessness of Hill and Nash. But that upper limit, upper potential, no longer.

Maybe this happens to all fans, or not at all. Maybe it just happens really quick and early. Maybe it occurs with a big sudden event, such as the incidents that have occurred to the Jazz who I'd model as the situation most similar. Maybe there's something about enjoying stories of justice and revenge that's unhealthy at the sports level, maybe not. I wish I could say I'd prefer it any of those ways, but I don't know. All I know is that one time is absolutely worth it.

In a day which I'm sure will be dominated by Lakers and Miami fans looking for sympathies, may atleast one voice for true lost hope in the Suns be spoken. And we can all continue to ignore the Spurs and the Mavericks.


-AnacondaHL

chris's Lacktion Report: Always providing hope, for the best of the worst.

Lakers-Heat: Erick Dampier divvied out three boards in 18:37, but also had a brick, foul, and three turnovers for a 4:3 Voskuhl. Joel Anthony countered a singular rebound in 4:52 with two fouls for a 2:1 ratio of his own.

Knicks-Mavs: Jared Jeffries. Voskuhl. Duh. 7:6 in 23:31 of starting-big-man time, countering four boards, an assist, and field goal with four fouls and three turnovers.

Ronny Turiaf blew a block in 11:51 with 3 fouls for a 3:0 Voskuhl.

For Dallas, Ian Mahinmi can now buy as many Dairy Queen Blizzards as he wants from Mark Cuban after gathering up a 1.6 trillion (1:35).

Labels: I freaking hate the Lakers, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Phoenix Suns, Worst of the Night

This game in a nutshell. A crazy nutshell.

Originally when I wrote my oft-misinterpreted Shrodinger's Playoff Team word of the day article, I imagined the term being applied early in a series, as hope for a win combined with a Game 1 loss can typically combine to the state of simultaneously dead and alive. By Game 5, I figured anyone could tell if a team still had a chance, or was in a hopeless situation.

I guess I didn't expect this case.

Officiating: So bad. So very bad. Tried to take the Lakers out of it early (similar to the Suns in Game 2), missed and inconsistent calls against both teams throughout, and of course missed Kobe out of bounds on that final play. What more is there to say? If your NBA team can't fight the opponent while keeping composure in the face of shitty refs, (or getting away with shit the refs can't see), you're not winning a championship.

The Los Angeles Lakers: Good work jumping to that correlation-with-success good 1st quarter, falling behind 17-11 with 3 minutes to go. Now of course the refs were not on your side for this stretch, so props for keeping it close to allow...

The Phoenix Suns: ...to blow it, ending the 1st quarter at 21-24. The slaughter continued through the second, as the Suns found themselves down by 17. Shout out to Dragic for doing a pretty good job defending Kobe, only Kobe was hitting his stupidly stupid shots. (Also, loved the feisty Slovenian altercation). But hey, it only took until now to give that zone thingy another shot, leading...

The Los Angeles Lakers: ...to close the half surrendering a 17-8 run. For the remainder, the Lakers kept letting the Suns hang around, making a 7 point lead feel like 20. Oh, and way to finally figure out the Vujachick and Farmar combo to disrupt Barbosa and Dragic. Of course running this combo more would require less of Kobe's head up his ass. *gets called for a technical by Bennett Salvatore*. Side note: that was a hilarious technical on Kobe. I wish more over-the-course-of-the-game-whiny superstars would get techs like that. Anyways, they were able to bring it back to an 18 point lead over...

The Phoenix Suns: ...with about 4 minutes to go in the 3rd. Seems about like the time for the Suns to quit, the way Suns guards not named Dragic quit attacking Gasol on pick-and-roll switches. In addition, Barbosa please stop dribbling the ball. Every time you hold the ball for more than 3 seconds, I die a little on the inside. Give the goddamn rock back to Dragic. Anyways, a special mention to ...


Steve Nash: ...for continuing his stupid bullshit on these switches. Yes, I will continue to mention this every single damn game, because it's painfully obvious that Phil Jackson knows this, and is perfectly happy baiting Nash into stupid jumpers over Gasol. Sure, tonight he sank a good amount of the shots, but it's really aggravating to see the same thing we want done to Kobe being done to Nash. Well at least this time it sorta worked out, as the zone came back and a couple of crazy assists and shots later...

The Los Angeles Lakers: ...found the lead cut to 1, then to 3 with 1:21 to go in the game. And thus began the night that...

Defensive Rebounding: ...died. I'm sure everyone and their mother's statistical consultant will have looked at and memorized the end of game sequence, so since I'm still oscillating from the emotional roller coaster, I'll skip the recap. I don't think this sequence will top the Duncan 3 in terms of heartbreaking moments, but it sure was something.

I guess this is a reason why this wasn't as bad as the Duncan 3.
Oh and also that this win came off one of the purest Kobe Bryant Assists I've ever seen.
(Aside: Did everyone catch Artest walking back to the tunnel, and getting slapped in the butt by some guy and Artest snapping around with "that crazy look" in his eyes, before getting pushed forward by security? I wish I knew if this helped or hurt the Suns, but it's something.)

This was one of those games where it felt like both teams were doing their worst not to lose. And honestly, I would have thought Suns teams in the past would never overcome the mental break of this kind of game. This year's team? A slim, very slim chance. Which brings me back to the beginning: the birth of a Game 5 Shrodinger's Playoff Team. The Suns have looked good enough to win, and bad enough to be swept. They have a history of mental weakness, yet have shown exceeds-expectations chemistry this year. Smart enough to do the right thing, yet stupid enough to surrender bad turnovers, avoidable points, and winnable games.

And IMHO, what's the one key that can show these Suns are ready to fight for a championship?

Pride: Just suck up your pride for 2 games, Suns. The 2-3 zone works. Don't overthink this. However, do overthink eating...

Fried Artichokes: ...at your next pregame meal. I have zero basis or evidence to support a "classy move, Lakers fans", but I want to say it anyways. Perhaps if we had some BasketBawful readers with experience in the food service industry, y'all could enlighten us with anecdotes and stories of how easy it is to mess with people and their fried food.

I mean this was Gentry's fault too. How could you not be following the Nash Diet on an away game in the playoffs? Also, I know that it was reported during the game that it was Deep Fried Avocados, but for what I hope is the last time in my life, I will trust Twitter for journalistic integrity, courtesy of Alexis Gentry.

Derek Fisher: Get your hand the hell out of Nash's face. *word that KG says loudly into sideline microphones* you, you're almost a more hateable Lakers player than Kobe right now.

Lacktion Report: Does chris offer his sympathies and advice for enduring the Lakersmug?

Suns-Lakers: Robin Lopez laid a little bit of an egg tonight as Phoenix's starting big man, countering two boards in 11:24 with a trio of bricks, a trio of rejections, two fouls, and one giveaway for a 3:2 Voskuhl. Jarron Collins joined the fray by earning himself a 1.3 trillion (1:17).

Despite being inserted in the first quarter as a momentum-shifter, Bill Walton's son Luke baked three bricks in 3:43 for a +3 suck differential.

-AnacondaHL

Labels: I freaking hate the Lakers, Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix Suns, Ron Artest, Steve Nash

I would have posted a top post picture, but it's surprisingly hard to find a picture of people literally throwing fecal matter around inside of Staples Center. (3 prepositions in a row!)
I guess I'll start this post mentioning the shitty officials, hopefully to trick Lakers fans into hating the rest of this post after reading only one line. The officials were pretty much hand-selected to give the Suns an edge. (Joey Crawford has actually been good this year, (nested parenthesis: except for Spurs games of course, haha) with a surprisingly low Home Foul Margin and fouls and techs called, and Mike Callahan and Ed Malloy called a very low ~18 fouls per game on the Suns, prior to last night). And while there were a few crappy calls either way, there were definitely more crappy calls on members of the Lakers.

For 3 quarters, at least.

The Lakers led by as many as 14 in the first half, but the Suns inexplicably whittled away at the lead to tie it at 90 heading into the final quarter. The Suns showed good aggression, and the officials called a pretty straight game in the 4th. The chance was open for the Suns to steal this game. Oh, and throughout the game, the Lakers still had defensive lapses, and allowed the Suns to score 112 on 49.4% shooting.

Okay, now that that's all out of the way, let's start the post.


What the fuck, Steve Nash: I will press this issue first, since I'm sure lots of talk today (and below) will involve Amar''''''e's suckage. Nash, did you just not learn anything from Game 1? It's like you intentionally adjusted NOTHING as he was repeatedly whimpering away from Gasol switches on pick and rolls, showing no defensive effort, making ill advised passes, and turning it over.

It's gotten to the point that I'd rather see Dragic in the game, since he's actually putting in some effort to challenge the defense, can keep the opposing Guards at bay, and doesn't make me feel every possession will end in a turnover. I don't care about your 2 MVPs, or how you played so well to set the tone against San Antonio. Steve Nash, you are playing like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Alvin Gentry: Good work having faith in your guys. Instead of trusting Grant Hill and Jared Dudley, you actually followed the dumb media suggestions to use Zone D and double Kobe. Well great. Kobe still gots his 21 points and a personal playoffs high 13 assists. (lol really? Wow, yeah really.) And you open more space for Gasol to work down low, and leave Artest and the other Lakers scrubs to work their jump shots. How was this supposed to work again?

At least you were quick enough to pull Frye faster than D'Antoni would've. But later, when switching away from the first quarter zone nightmare, you put Dudley on Artest, and made a hot-shooting Jason Richardson waste his energy defending Kobe?? Can you honestly NOT see which lineups are actually working, or is he obliged to never call out Stoudemire since he makes the most money and the Suns organization wants to baby him to keep him this off-season? Alvin Gentry, you are coaching like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Channing Frye: Just another game for those split stats. 0-5, including 0-2 from downtown. What more is there to say? Your confidence is shot, and Nash's aforementioned shitty play-making isn't getting you back in rhythm. There's just nothing left to say about you. If you can't stop spraying fecal matter all over the place for these upcoming home games, the Suns are done.

In fact, you sucked so much, I'm embedding the lacktion report by chris right in your section.

Woefully short Wednesday playoff lacktion report
Suns-Lakers: Channing Frye countered a board in 8:39 with 5 bricks, 4 fouls, and a giveaway for a 5:1 Voskuhl!

Channing Frye, you are shooting like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Jason Richardson: Well okay, you actually played pretty good. But the Suns NEED you to grab rebounds. It's too late to back out now. Jason, we've seen you rip down strong rebounds, and now we expect it and need it. Like honestly, look at the entire roster of the Suns. Who else even comes close to securely grabbing a board?

Also, this was pretty funny:


Jason Richardson, you are flopping like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Jared Dudley: Actually, you played really well too. But please don't foul out next time. And if Gentry is being stupid and suggesting help defending Kobe, grow some damn balls and tell him you can handle it. And if you're going for the steal or the offensive rebound, stop freaking the fuck out and secure the ball and get the ball to your point guard.

I think this was the only solid play you made, and was hardly even your fault:


Jared Dudley, you are "energy guy-ing" like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Amar''''''e Stoudemire: I'd rather keep this one as an open forum, since it's likely to be the hot topic of discussion today along with the words "lucky" and "your mom". But I'll breeze over the basics: 3 defensive rebounds, 5 turnovers, letting Odom go off on you again, and a defensive effort so bad, fans from cap space teams are praying they don't get you, especially for a max contract.

Here's you, your audition, proving to your future team that you understand the concept of defending the pick-and-ro-...


Amar''''''e Stoudemire, you are playing and rebounding and defending like shit. Stop it. Actually, you are shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Phoenix Suns organization: I wish I had documented how unhappy I was when STAT got his player of the month award, as many were spinning it as proof Kerr made the right choice at the trade deadline. Sure I've had my anti-Amar''''''e bias ever since he and his posse cut in front of my sister at a pizza place. But I refuse to follow another year of him. I will become an immediate fan of the best division rival of any team stupid enough to pay Amar''''''e the max. Phoenix Suns organization, this has been old news since 2005, but you are making decisions like shit. Stop it.

What the fuck, Phoenix Suns: This was your game to win. You had it tied going into the 4th. You had the officials helping you out. How could you let it get so out of hand, that the Lakers started running triangle post-up drills on you, and using Pau Gasol as point guard for the end of the game? You guys got clowned by the Lakers tonight. And no, I won't waste my time making the Kobe jutted-jaw-and-lower-teeth GIF, or the Kobe beat-up-that-beat-fist-which-kinda-looks-like-masturbation GIF, since I'm sure those will be playing nonstop on ESPN for the next 4 days.

But this one moment actually had me laughing (and maybe feeling straight up jealous of the Lakers for the first time in my life. For a split second.)



So now I've got a chance to goto Game 4 of the WCF, and instead of any hope in the team, I'll instead be hoping that I'm witnessing Amar''''''e's last home game as a Sun. Or last game before being a max contract Sun. Ughh. Is this even the same team that destroyed San Antonio?

The Phoenix Suns, you are playing this Western Conference Finals like shit. Stop it.

-a slightly bitter AnacondaHL

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, I freaking hate the Lakers, Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash

The Indiana Pacers: What was the worst part of this game from Indy's perspective? Take you're pick: Was it that they a) fell behind 36-18 after one quarter, b) scored a mere 9 points in the fourth, c) finished the game with only 72 points on 33 percent shooting, d) ended up with a 44-5 disadvantage in free throw attempts while playing at home, e) lost by 21 despite the fact that Cleveland went 23-for-44 from the foul line (including 10-for-17 for King Crab), or f) BALL.

Yep...I'm gonna go with BALL.

The Detroit Pistons: Well, Joe Dumars finally realized his dream of fielding all four of his big guns (Ben Gordon, Charlie Villanueva, Rip Hamilton and Tayshaun Prince). The result was...a 92-65 home loss to the Miami Heat in which the Pistons shot 39 percent and got outrebounded 52-25. By the way, that point total was only one above the franchise record for fewest points in a game. Gak.

Said Hamilton (8 points, 4-for-14): "There is no way we should score like this with the offensive guys we've got on this team. We've got to get better. This was a bad night in all aspects of the game."

He's not wrong.

Detroit fell to 1-4 on their current home stand and have now scored below 100 points in 21 of their last 22 games. And they've lost 18 of those games.

The Los Angeles Clippers: It's hard to believe that a few short games ago, The Other L.A. Team was actually threatening to reach .500. But back-to-back double-digit losses to the New Jersey Nyets and Minnesota Timberpoops -- a.k.a. the two worst teams in the league -- have proven, once again, the Clippers are indeed who we thought they were.

The best part is that the Clips held a players-only meeting after getting their butts whupped by the Nyets...and the result was a 14-point loss to the Timberpoops? What the hell did they talk about in that meeting?!

Said Marcus Camby: "We just talked about salvaging the rest of this season and this thing's not over for us and to put Wednesday's loss behind us. Hopefully we could come out and respond the right way, but we didn't."

No kidding.

Added Baron Davis: "We let two games get away that we should have won, had we played with the effort, had we played with the freedom and the mentality that we need to play with in order to be successful. It only gets tougher from this point."

Can we just go ahead and pronounce the Clippers' season dead?

By the way, thanks to Basketbawful reader Wouter for submitting this useless stat of the night from the ESPN Weekend Dime: "The Clippers' Chris Kaman, edged out of an All-Star berth by Randolph, recently became just the fifth center in the league to post two 20-point games in the same season in head-to-head starts against Washington's Brendan Haywood. The others: Shaquille O'Neal (2004-05 season and 2005-06), Orlando's Dwight Howard (2006-07), Milwaukee's Andrew Bogut (2007-08) and Phoenix's Amare Stoudemire (2007-2008)."

Remember: People get paid to look this stuff up. As Wouter said: "Seriously, I had to read that four times before it actually made sense. Then I realized they were talking about Brendan Haywood. Then it didn't make sense again."

The Boston Celtics: Let's say that you're a wanna-be championship contender who's struggling with injury problems, dealing with shaky chemistry, and facing the second night of back-to-back road games against two of your three biggest Eastern Conference rivals. Oh, and you lost the first of those two games in heartbreaking fashion after choking away a 16-point lead. If you were that team, the last thing you'd want to do is provide the second team any additional motivation, especially considering you were already 0-3 against them this season.

And yet that's exactly what the Celtics did when Kendrick Perkins said his team "put a hit out" on Atlanta's Jamal Crawford, who torched the C's for 18, 18, and 17 points off the bench earlier this season.

Said Crawford: "I heard something about it before the game. We got fired up."

Yeah. You could say that. From TrueHoop:

After the Hawks scored only seven points in the first nine minutes, Crawford came off the bench and immediately turned the tide. His half court shot to end the first quarter gave Atlanta its first lead, and he clinched the win with two huge plays late. The first was a long 2-point jumper that banked in -- unintentionally -- as Rajon Rondo fouled him, giving the Hawks a commanding 10-point lead with 3:26 left.

"I didn't yell bank," he admitted, "I think the bank's closed now."

Then, with Boston closing the margin and having the ball, he stole a pass from Rondo and cruised in for a dunk to put Atlanta up 97-88 with 1:05 left and effectively end the proceedings.

In winning, Atlanta swept the season series from a conference foe that has been reluctant to acknowledge them as a rival. ...The win moved Atlanta into sole possession of second place in the East, setting the stage for an uncomfortable possibility for the Celtics -- having to play a second-round series without home-court advantage against an Atlanta squad that owned them in the regular season. Atlanta leads Boston by a half a game and owns the tiebreaker.

Yep. It's really, really official now. The Celtics are in trouble.

Doc Rivers, non-motivational speaker: Regarding his team's chances against the Hawks: "I don't really know if we could have won the game tonight, the way the Hawks were playing. Especially coming off a back-to-back, this is a tough team to play." When a coach of a champion wanna-be states flatly that he doesn't know if his team even had a chance to win a critical game against a heated rival...that's a bad sign.

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy of the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued with an 81-79 home loss to the lowly Washington Wizards Generals Bullets. And the dagger to New Jersey's heart was the go-ahead jumper by Earl Boykins with 0.4 seconds left. Whew! Back-to-back victories totally would have knocked the Nyets off course in their bid for the worst record in NBA history. Thanks, Earl!

(And thanks to the Nyets for giving up 15 offensive boards and missing 8 free throws.)

The Denver Nuggets: It would have been a pretty tall order for the Nuggets to beat the Thunder in Oklahoma City without 'Melo, but it's worth noting that the 17-point loss was Denver's second-largest defeat of the season.

Said Nuggets coach George Karl: "Our offense at the end of the third quarter just destroyed us. J.R.'s shot selection and turnovers just took a possible comeback and took it to a 20-point game."

J.R. Smith: It's never good when your ooach calls you out like that.

Arron Afflalo Basketbawful reader zyth nominated Afflalo for getting his junk swatted by a one-shoed Kevin Durant. And because we here at Basketbawful aim to please...


Portland's interior defense: The Rockets hit 17 layups, dunked three times and finished with 52 points in the paint in their 104-100 win over the Frail Blazers. You think Portland is missing Greg "Yes, I have a giant schlong, okay?!" Oden and the Vanilla Godzilla?

The Sacramento Kings: After their 101-94 loss to the Jazz in Utah, the Kings are 3-15 since their historic 35-point comeback in Chicago. Meanwhile, after their 106-104 overtime victory over the Hornets in Charlotte, the Bulls are 13-6 during that same stretch and went above .500 (23-22) for the first time since they were 6-5 in late November. Weird, huh?

By the way, did the Sactowners forget Paul Milsap plays for Utah? Sappy almost had a triple double, finishing with 32 points, 14 rebounds and 7 assists while starting in place of the injured Carlos Boozer. By the way, if anybody out there had any doubt whether Boozer was finished as a member of the Jazz after this season, well, there's your answer.

The Gol_en State Warriors: Stephen Jackson returned to Oakland and finally benefited from his old team's complete and utter lack of D. Captain Jack scored 30 of Charlotte's 121 points in the Bobcats' double-digit road win over the second-worst team in the West.

Guess that trade didn't work out so well.

From the AP recap: "Since the trade that also included Acie Law going to the Bobcats in exchange for Raja Bell and Vladimir Radmanovic, Charlotte has gone 20-16, improved its scoring average by more than 15 points and moved into a tie with Chicago for the seventh seed in the Eastern Conference. Golden State, on the other hand, is just 10-26 since sending Jackson away -- and scoring 5.2 fewer points."

Friday lacktion report: There's no joy for Chris in Sactown...but there is, as always, lacktion.

Lakers-Sixers: Josh Powell briefly added mushrooms to his diet in a 4 second Super Mario, while Jason Kapono buttoned his overalls for a 45 second Mario of his own!

Celtics-Hawks: YES! MARIO WEST SCORED A 26 SECOND MARIO TO EARN HIS FIRST NAMESAKE STAT OF THE YEAR! Meanwhile, Brian Scalabrine bricked once in 5:21 for a +1 suck differential.

Heat-Pistons: Detroit's Jason Maxiell fouled twice and tossed a brick in 7:33 for a +3.

Bullets-Nyets: Fabricio Oberto fabulously fouled out in 19:06 and lost the rock as well for a 7:2 Voskuhl (against one field goal)!

Frail Blazers-Rockets: Jeff Pendergraph wired two fouls in 2:49 for a +2 suck differential and 2:0 Voskuhl! In non-lacktive news, Steve Blake earned a Calvin Murphy via 14 points and 9 assists!!!

Kings-Jazz: Donte Greene, as the purple paupers' starting forward, bricked once in 4:24 for a +1, while Jon Brockman negated two boards in 12:10 with 5 fouls and a loss of the rock for a 6:2 Voskuhl!

Not lacktion, but still noteworthy: Tyreke "The Freak" Evans with a Dantley by scoring 13 of 25 points from the stripe. (And in the Bobcats-Warriors game, Ronald Murray scored 8 of 12 points in charity for his own Dantley as well.)

The Atlanta Hawks: Hmm...second night of back-to-backs...playing on the road against a good team...and the result is a 104-86 blowout. Where have we heard this one before? Dwight Howard finished with 31 points and 19 rebounds, J.J. Redick dished out a career-high 7 assists, and Jamal Crawford came back down to earth by shooting 6-for-17 from the field. The Hawks have now lost six straight times to the Magic, including all three games this season.

Said Atlanta coach Mike Woodson: "We haven't figured [Orlando] out, that's all I can tell you." Thanks for the words of wisdom, coach.

Time for the official "sad bench" photo.
The New York Knicks: The latest humiliation in the latest season full of humiliations: a 10-point loss to the Wizards Generals Bullets. And they resurrected Mike Miller in the process. Miller scored a season-high 25 points -- including 17 in the third quarter -- and hit seven three-pointers.

HAND. IN. THE. FACE.

Of course, it's not all the players' fault. Bricks coach Mike 'Antoni ordered up a zone defense. Said 'Antoni: "You roll the dice a little bit, and this time it got us. I just didn't have a good feeling about us guarding them man-to-man."

You thought man-to-man would turn out worse than Mike Miller returning from the dead to drill seven threes?!

The Memphis Grizzlies: The Griz had their 11-game home winning streak snapped and blew holes in my theory about what happens to teams playing on the road on the second night of back-to-backs against a good team. The Hornets -- who were without Chris Paul, by the way -- were coming off a tough OT loss at home to the Bulls but managed to pull out a 109-102 OT win in Memphis. After the Grizzlies built a 21-point lead in the third quarter? And New Orleans rookie Darren Collison stepped in for CP3 and delivered a Collison a 17-point, 18 assist performance?

Whhhhaaaaaaa...?

Maybe I was a little too forgiving of that 7-point loss in San Antonio on Friday.

The Miami Heat: Hey, the East's leading candidate for "Bipolar Girlfriend Team of the Year" struck again! One night after almost holding the Pistons to a new franchise low for points scored in a game, the Heat lost 95-84 to the Bucks. Normally, I'd blame the supporting cast, but on this night we turn a hairy eyeball toward...

Dwayne Wade: The line: 6-for-20 from the field, 0-for-6 from downtown and a co-game-high 4 turnovers. Plus, he was limited to 31 minutes due to foul trouble. (He finished with 5 personals.)

Brandon Jennings, quote machine: Regarding Charlie Bell, who spent most of the game guarding Pookie: "I guess we got the D-Wade stopper on the team right now."

I wouldn't want to be Charlie Bell next time the Bucks play the Heat. I'm just sayin'.

The Sacramento Kings: Ugh. Make it 3-16 since their historic 35-point comeback in Chicago. And now, the obligatory facepalm picture, courtesy of Dan. B.


The Dallas Mavericks: After a recent 1-point win over the Wizards Generals Bullets -- in which Shawn Marion blocked Caron Butler's last-second shot attempt -- Jason Kidd said:

"Winning on a defensive possession, you wouldn't say that in the past about the Mavericks. It would be us trying to get a basket on the other end. This year, we've really focused on playing defense. We looked at the last champions and said, 'Hey, they all played defense.' So that's what we're focused on right now, and Shawn really made a great play on Caron at the end."

So...this is a new era of defense in Dallas, eh? Then please explain to me, Jason, why you guys lost 114-112 in overtime at home to the Portland Frail Blazers after letting Andre Miller score a career-high 52 points, including 25 in the fourth quarter and the OT?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Bad timing: Basketbawful reader gordon gartrelle asked: "Have you all commented on this Kobe/Lebron gun-themed "controversy?" ESPN and the NBA get the gasface for this nonsense." No, I haven't. This is just another sign of the general wussification of our society in general and the NBA in particular.

Saturday lacktion report: More lacktion from Chris, who has already started planning for the next NBA draft.

Hawks-Magic: Jason Collins took down an offensive rebound in 5:28, but fouled four times and lost the rock once for a 5:1 Voskuhl.

Knicks-Bullets: Dominic McGuire seems intent on beating Steve Novak in an Excite Bike race for most lacktive baller, as evidenced by blasting off a celebratory 3 second Super Mario!!!!

Hornets-Grizzlies: Aaron Gray countered a couple of boards in 6:24 with a trio of fouls to give New Orleans a 3:2 Voskuhl.

Heat-Bucks: Jodie Meeks became Starfox's wingman for a brief 52 seconds, earning himself a Mario!

Frail Blazers-Mavs: Erick Dampier once again lived up to his share of the Mark Cuban fortune by negating a trio of boards with three fouls in 24:53 and a giveaway for a 4:3 Voskuhl.

The San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs were playing at home, and the Nuggets were without Carmelo Anthony. That should have more than balanced out the fact that Tony Parker was also MIA, particularly since George Hill stepped in for TP and stepped up with 17 points (8-for-16) and 4 assists. Sadly, San Antonio still got handled as Kenyon Martin (27/11/4) totally outplayed Tim Duncan (16/10/1). The final score (103-89) wouldn't have even been that close if the Nuggets hadn't had a case of bumble-itis (19 turnovers for 27 points going the other way).

By the way, Martin's 27 points was a season-high. Moreover, Denver shot 53.6 percent from the field...and only three teams have had a better single-game FGP against the Spurs this season. Oddly enough, San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich was more grumpy about his team's offense than its defense. The Spurs shot 43 percent for the game and missed 14 of their 17 three-point attempts.

Said Pops: "People need to step up and start making shots."

Are we all finally comfortable shutting and locking SA's championship window? The draft is really starting to annoy me. Speaking of which...

The Boston Celtics: After losing tough back-to-back road games against the Magic and Hawks -- the latter of which they helped facilitate with the "Tanya Harding" they took out on Jamal Crawford -- the Celtics were looking to salvage a little pride by winning their only regular season home game against the hated Lakers.

Didn't happen...despite the fact that they were up by 11 points (81-70) with just under nine minutes to go. The defining moment of the Celtics' collapse was when Paul Pierce got called for an obvious one-armed pushoff on a very floppery Ron Artest with 27 seconds left and the Leprechauns clinging to a 1-point lead. Ironically, that move is Kobe Classic, by which I actually mean it's a Michael Jordan Classic from back in the day. And Doc Rivers knows it: "At that point, I think it's got to be unbelievable, but I didn't see it so I really can't give an opinion on it. You know, I do know Kobe pushes off a lot."

That, of course, set up a dagger by Kobe. Boston's last shot was an ugly three-pointer by Ray Allen, who was forced to shoot over Lamar Odom. I couldn't help but think: You know, guys, you only needed a two-pointer for the win.

The thing that really struck me watching this game was that Rajon Rondo is, by far, Boston's best player. Like, it's not even close. KG ended up with 10 points, 9 boards and 5 turnovers. Pierce went 4-for-11 and had more fouls (5) than rebounds and assists (4). And Ray Allen finished with 7 points on 2-for-10 shooting. Heck, Tony Allen (14 points, 6-for-9, 3 boards, 2 steals and a block in only 25 minutes) was Boston's second-best player. In fact, the C's might have gotten blown out in the first half if not for him.

At this point, the only hope the Celtics have is...BALL.

By the way, with everybody creaming themselves over Kobe's game-winner, it's worth noting that the Lakers needed that shot from Mamba in part because he was 8-for-20 and took five or six of the worst shots known to man during the second half. Leaning, fading, falling away from deep...the dude was forcing some terrible percentage shots. That garbage may work against an obviously slumping Boston squad, but it probably won't cut it against, say, the Craboliers. Something to think about. Speaking of crustaceans...

The Los Angeles Clippers: After back-to-back losses to the league's two worst teams, what d'you suppose happened when The Other L.A. Team had to play the league's best team on the road?

Yeah.

The Clippers fell behind 46-20 in the first 12 minutes -- during which the Crabs tied an NBA record for three-pointers made in one quarter (11) -- and the game was basically a lost cause from that point on. The three-point barrage, which included two by LeBron from, like, 30 feet out, left Mike Dunleavey, well, stunned.

"I've got money that I'll put them in the gym naked, nobody else on them, and they probably can't make 11 out of 13 again from the same spots. They hit some shots in that first quarter that I know in 30 years of being in the NBA that I've [never] seen a team make."

Wait, wait, wait. Why naked, Mike?! Basketbawful Marc S. has a theory: "I can only assume that by 'naked,' Dumbleavy meant that nobody would guard the Cavaliers in question, but on second thought, maybe this is a little-known Clippers practice technique, which would explain a lot."

Anyway, clearly things got out of hand, and fast. It was so bad that, in the second period, L.A.'s Rasual Butler deflected a pass by Jamario Moon right into his own bucket. That play was so Clippery it should be put on the frachise's all-time lowlight reel. By the way, that 46-point first quarter tied a Crabs' franchise mark for the most points in a single period, and Cleveland's 16 three-pointers missed the team record for threes in a game by one.

Let's face it: The Clippers are who we thought they were.

The Detroit Pistons: Make it 1-5 on their home stand. And they lost to the Magic -- who were playing the second game of back-to-backs -- despite the fact that Orlando lost Jameer Nelson (knee) and Mickael Pietrus (ankle) to injury and had Vince Carter and Rashard Lewis in foul trouble. Oh, and Dwight Howard missed 10 free throws.

How many breaks do the Pistons need?

A few more, apparently. They were down only three points (89-86) and had the ball with nine seconds left, but Ben Gordon opted to pass instead of shoot and the ball was intercepted by Anthony Johnson. Said BG: "I just made a bad decision. I was in the corner and tried to get it to Tayshaun, but Anthony Johnson made a great play. I have to make better decisions with the ball."

No wonder Gordon never wants to pass.

The New Jersey Nyets: The tragic comedy of the 2009-10 New Jersey Nyets continued with an 83-79 home loss to the Philadelphia 76ers. The Nyets actually had a chance to tie the game with eight seconds left, but New Jersey coach Kiki Vandeweghe called what may be the dumbest play known to man, judging solely by how it looked and what it resulted in...which was an awful miss by Jarvis Hayes from about 30 feet from the hoop.

And here is Kiki's post-game quote, as provided by AnacondaHL (with his commentary in brackets): "Last play... I'm gonna take responsibility for that [really now]... We tried to run something that was perhaps a little tricky [so you AND the players were too stupid to pull it off. Got it.]... It was basically a series of flairs is what it ends up, uhm, but, it was a play you typically run from the full court, and we tried to run it at the half court [you are all awful]..."

The saddest postscript on this game comes from former Clipper and current $80 million failure Elton Brand: "No disrespect to the Nets franchise, but [we] couldn't lose this game today. They do have talent over there and they've been in games. I've been on some poor teams, but none so poor that we had only four [wins] more than halfway through." Remember: BRAND WAS A CLIPPER!! Plus, he was on a Chicago Bulls squad that won 17 and 15 games in back-to-back seasons.

Ouch, baby. Major ouch.

The New York Knicks: I honestly thought the Knicks had hit the low point of their season when they got torched by Mike Miller in a loss to the Wizards Generals Bullets. (For further reading, see several paragraphs ago.) Well, I was wrong, okay? I was so very, very wrong...thanks to New York's 112-91 loss to the Minnesota Timberpoops, who I must once again remind you are the second-worst team in the league.

I know playing back-to-back games is rough, but is it that rough? Apparently so. I mean, Minny's bench outscored the Bricks' reserves 51-8. Eek.

After the game, New York coach Mike 'Antoni had to insist that his team hasn't, you know, quit and stuff. "They care. They're trying. No excuses, but a little short-handed. Playing 8 o'clock last night, flying here and playing 6 o'clock doesn't help. We've had a tough schedule last weekend and this weekend and the guys are showing a little bit of it."

Uh huh. Again I say: Does anybody still think LeBron is gonna want to join this team next season?

Sunday lacktion report: Why does Chris love Sunday? Because not only did he get to eat at his favorite Sactown restaraunt, the Kings didn't play...which meant they couldn't lose for a change! Now, onto the lacktivity:

Nuggets-Spurs: Keith Bogans pocketed a 5 trillion for Team Popovich (5:01) while Ian Mahinmi was also in the mood for gold coins, as seen with a 52 second Mario! In a semi-contributory update, Manu Ginobili earned a Calvin Murphy with 14 points and 9 assists.

Lakers-Celtics: Sasha Vujacic bricked once at the (TD)Gaaahden for a +1 in 6:11.

Clippers-Crabs: The Lacktion Brothers are IN THE HOUSE once again at the Q, as Darnell "The Original Lacktion" Jackson tossed a brick from Euclid Avenue for a +1 in 2:28, while Cedric "Lacktion II: Electric Boogaloo" Jackson pinched out a 2.45 trillion in that same timespan!!! For the Team That Is Who We Thought They Were, former Hornet Bobby Brown missed one shot in 2:28 for a +1.

Sixers-Nyets: Philadelphia's Jason Smith earned a Madsen-level 1:0 Voskuhl in 3:23 by countering an assist with a brick and foul.

Suns-Rockets: Jarron Collins took a foul and tossed a brick in 1:41 for a +2 that also earned a 1:0 Madsen-level Voskuhl! (Steve Nash, in non-lacktive news, scored a Dantley by tossing no bricks from 6 attempts at the stripe, as opposed to 8 bricks in the field.)

Knicks-Wolves: In this not-so-eagrly-awaited pillow fight, Toney Douglas bricked once from St. Anthony Falls for a +1 in 2:47, a suck differential matched by Minnesota's Alexsandar Pavlovic in 1:50 with a brick of his own.

Warriors-Thunder: Vladimir Radmanovic lost the rock once in 2:39 and added a miss from the field for a +2, while ERIC MAYNOR makes his maiden appearance in the ledger with a rather large +6 in 10:34 via brick, two fouls, and three celebratory giveaways!!!!!

Labels: BALL, I freaking hate the Lakers, Worst of the Weekend