The mere thought of playing against the Wizards Generals is
reason enough for self-man-love to present itself.


Note: With Basketbawful himself unavoidably detained, I am making my WotN debut, with Chris chiming in for a couple quotes and providing the usual lacktion report.

The Washington Wizards Generals: Another game, another horrendous loss. Washington put up one of its usual sloppy displays while doing nothing in crunch time en route to a 90-76 loss to the Heat, led by a 41 point effort from the poorly spelled Dwyane Wade. (This is the second time this season D-Wade has put up 40+ points in a game. Yes, both times were against the Wizards Generals, just in case you expected anything less from this team.)

Washington pissed away an 11-point second half lead, and a final turnover snagged by D-Wade with 27 seconds left on the clock could be considered the nail in the coffin, but I’m pretty sure simply being the Washington Wizards Generals is the more realistic nail in the coffin. The loss was the fifth straight for Washington, and the sixth consecutive time that the Heat have pummeled them. The Washington bench provided all of two points, and Randy Foye left the game after just over 6 relatively non-contributory minutes (one foul, one brick, but a team-leading +5!) with a sprained ankle.

Gilbert Arenas, Turnover Machine: Say, wasn’t a healthy Agent Zero supposed to be the answer to the Wizards Generals’ woes? Unfortunately, as we all know, Gilbert Arenas comes with a curse. While he did drop 21 points on the Heat (that’s good!), Agent Zero built a brick wall, going 7-for-20 from the field. (That’s bad.) He also managed a meager 4-for-8 performance from the free throw line to prove his shooting woes couldn’t be stopped; they could only be contained. He brought down 5 defensive boards to go with 8 assists and 2 steals. (That’s good!)

However, as said best in the NBA Coast to Coast show on ESPN2, “he had a little turnover issue…” to the tune of 12 turnovers. (That’s bad.) Ten of those turnovers came in the second half of the game, and the rest of his team combined for only 10 additional turnovers. Not the best way to get your team out of a funk there, Gilbert. (Do all those turnovers at least come with a free frogurt?) As noted by the Associated Press game recap: “Arenas was the first NBA player with that many giveaways since Feb. 1, 2007.” Do I really need to say it? …The hell with it, I’m saying it anyway: FAIL.

But hey, at least his +/- stat was only a -9. That’s certainly better than…

DeShawn Stevenson: The line on the box score for +/- for this fine young player displayed a whopping -25. Yep, by far the team leader in letting guys put up points while on the floor. Granted the plus/minus stat is a flawed metric, but I’m just sayin’…

"Take a closer look, Coach. Do you still think my beard's sheer awesomeness
forcing the Heat to stop in their tracks and stare isn't good defense?"



The Charlotte Bobcats: Shooting 11.8% from downtown is usually not a good sign for your chances to win. This held true in the Bobcats’ 93-81 loss to the Magic. Ron Jeremy’s Stan Van Gundy’s Magic dominated the game, leading by as much as 22, and the Bobcats just never put up a fight. Boris Diaw’s 7-for-18 performance, including 0-4 from behind the arc, was one of the best contributions from the starters, which kind of puts into perspective how this game went down. Raymond Felton’s 5-for-5 effort at the charity stripe helped him be the only Bobcat to finish with a positive +/- rating. Everyone else on the team languished in mediocrity, putting up just enough points to not get embarrassed, but not enough to keep them from adding another notch to the Loss column.


"I'll be back to shoot the next scene with a few minutes,
I'm almost done beating the Bobcats. Is my fluffer ready?"


Vince Carter: Okay, so Vinsanity contributed quite a bit coming off the bench for the Magic, and gave them an option they didn’t have when he was resting his ankle. That’s all fine and good. However, statistical fail cannot be ignored on this blog: Vinsanity provided 15 points, but it was on a 5-for-16 from the field shooting effort. That’s a whopping 31%, to put it further in perspective. Yes, Vince, your team won in spite of those numbers. But you also were played the Bobcats, so that doesn’t really count for all that much.

UPDATE! Per Wouter in the comments section:
"Vince Carter on not starting for only the eighth time in 781 career games. He nearly missed the game because of a "tender" left ankle that miraculously healed after walking to the hotel.. in the rain:

"[Van Gundy] was like, 'Cool, you're going to guard Raja [Bell],' " Carter said. "I said, 'Uh, can I come off the bench?' He was like, 'What? Are you sure?' First of all, I wasn't in shootaround so I didn't really get the game plan. I didn't want to disrupt what was going on."

We all knew Carter hates playing defense, but he didn't want to start just so he didn't have to defend Raja Bell? The same Raja Bell who is basically playing with one hand after contemplating season-ending surgery to repair a partially torn ligament in his left wrist??? This is yet another reason why Carter will never.. oh nevermind."

Larry Brown, Understatement Machine: “We gave up 22 points on turnovers. We were just careless.” Careless, sloppy, bawful... same difference.

"I can’t believe I just had to actually watch an entire Bobcats game!"

The Houston Rockets: Clutch the Bear is most likely not up to his usual shenanigans tonight after his Rockets were beaten down in a high scoring affair, losing 121-103. After letting the Mavericks go on a 22-3 run that began late in the first half, the Rockets never could regain their momentum. This is despite coming out of the gate strong with their highest-scoring first quarter of the season, and holding a 56-39 lead at one point in the second quarter! The Rockets allowed the previously-slumping Mavs to make over 55% of their shots. The brickfest exhibited by Houston did not help their cause very much: Shane Battier went 1-for-8 from the field, Trevor Ariza had a slightly less embarrassing 3-for-10 performance, and Chase Budinger came off the bench for put up a 1-for-7 stinker of a shooting performance.

The Chicago Bulls: They might have only lost by one point in a valiant effort against the Nuggets, but letting John Salmons jack up brick after brick in a 3-for-13 effort probably didn’t help their cause. Letting Scrappy-Doo Brad Miller take the final shot is usually not the best idea in the world; however, it almost worked here as he buried his jumper from the top of the key. Unfortunately, despite the initial jubilation from the United Center crowd, “almost” isn’t good enough when the NBA can go back and do video replay reviews on last-second shots. With Miller’s bucket overturned, the Nuggets limped away with the win, and punched every Bulls fan in the building firmly in the gut. (Sorry, Mr. McHale.) As Chris noticed, because of that one millisecond that cost the Bulls the game, Miller's negative stats once again came to the fore, as will be revealed in the lacktion report.

Don’t worry guys – the NBA refs are here to save the day!

Carmelo Anthony: While his Nuggets did win the game, Carmelo asserted his team leadership with a dismal 8-for-22 shooting effort, gathering only 3 assists (which were offset by 4 turnovers, by the way). His 20 points represented his lowest scoring effort yet this season. In full disclosure, I didn’t get to actually see this game, but I somehow get the feeling some of these missed shots helped contribute to Joakim Noah’s career-high 21 rebound night.

The Memphis Grizzlies: I know, it’s shocking to see the Grizzlies show up on the WotN, right? Shooting 37% from the field at home will do that to a team. The Grizzlies lost 93-79 to Portland in a game where they shot a particularly poor 4-for-16 in the first quarter. Also, allowing Portland to go off from behind the arc on a 9-for-18 three point shooting performance probably wasn’t a good strategy. It’s called a hand in the face. Try it sometime, guys. You’d be surprised. Seriously. Amazingly, Memphis managed to put up a double digit assist total, but just barely, finishing up the game with 11 total team assists. Memphis has not managed to defeat the Trailblazers since March 29, 2007, not that this should really surprise anyone. After all, the Grizzlies have now lost six consecutive games this season, and it’s not looking to get much better any time soon, no matter what the roster looks like.

Allen Iverson/The Not Answer/The Cancer: Still AWOL.

Z-Bo’s Hard-As-An-Anvil Head: Hasheem Thabeet’s ability to showcase his lacktion skills has been taken away temporarily after a nasty collision under the basket with Zach Randolph left Thabeet with a broken jaw - only a minute or so into his first appearance! Upon seeing this clip on ESPNNews, I shed a single tear for Chris’s lacktion report.

The Oden Watch: Everyone’s favorite sophomore octogenarian racked up another five personal fouls. Greg Oden has committed 5 personal fouls in six out of eight games. He committed 4 fouls in one of the other games, and amazingly only one (1!) foul against Minnesota on November 8th. A blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes, I suppose, even if the blindness is the result of old age and macular degeneration.

The Oklahoma City Thunder: After looking surprisingly decent recently, the Thunder lost a heartbreaker to the lowly Sacramento Kings, bricking a last second three for a 101-98 road loss. The Thunder only shot 39% from the field, led by Kevin Durant’s 9-for-23 effort in a 37 point night that included 18 foul shots, all of which he sank. This game was, as Chris put it, “not particularly memorable.” Mediocrity between two underperforming teams usually isn’t the most exciting thing to watch. The only moment that really stood out for Chris was “Durant giving up the rock immediately after regaining possession in the wake of the Kings blocking a Thunder shot.” Okay, I can see why that moment stood out.

The Sacramento Kings: Winning this suckfest of a game was a major accomplishment for the Maloofs. This is the first time their team has been at .500 since December 4th, 2006. That’s such a depressing stat, it had to get its own entry in the WotN.

Lacktion Report: While our head writer and namesake was watching lacktion in person, Chris was documenting it for the rest of us to enjoy:
Magic-Bobcats: DeSagana Diop dropped the rock twice for a +2 suck differential in 3:29 that doubled as a 2:0 Voskuhl, while fellow Bobcat Gerald Henderson bricked once from downtown for a +1 in 2:30.

Wizards-Heat: Nick Young bricked once and took down a foul for a +2 in 2:32, matched by Randy Foye in 6:30. while Randy Foye's ledger appearance has been reassessed as it came due to injury. A third Wizard appeared in tonight's report, as the fabulous Fabricio Oberto did score a board in 16:49 but nullified that with two fouls for a 2:1 Voskuhl.

Rockets-Mavs: Brian Cook fried up a 3.35 trillion for Houston, while Dallas's Quinton Ross earned a +5 in 13:19 by fouling thricely, bricking once and taking a rejection as well.

Nuggets-Bulls: Had Brad Miller been given an extra tenth of a second for the game-winning shot, he wouldn't be in the ledger for his 14:10 appearance, in which he had also made a field goal earlier in the night, as well as rebounding twice. But four fouls and two giveaways result in a 6:4 Voskuhl upon video review!!!!

Thunder-Kings: Kevin Ollie puppeted three fouls for a +3 in 10:55.

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Watch Goran Dragic Tragic amble* in for an uncontested flush** against Clipper the Friendly Ghost. From the three-point line. (Thanks DKH.) Note the mocking laughter by new Suns coach Alvin Gentry. I bet that made Zach Randolph want to punch somebody. Again I mean.


*Would you describe Goran's drive as an amble, gad about, gallivant, jaunt, promenade, saunter, stroll or traipse? Discuss.

**From now on, each and every shot that's jammed through the hoop against the Clippers shall be referred to as a "flush," because they remind me of poo.

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