This photo was submitted by Basketbawful reader Nick. And here we thought last night's loss couldn't have been any more painful for Dirk...


Update! As anne points out: "Well apparently Chris wasn't too grossed out by touching it as he and Dirk had some serious man love going on after the game (from dallasnews.com). Ironically enough, my word verification was 'petyr,' hee hee."

Labels: Chris Paul, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, nutshots

Avery Johnson: The Little General has made many mistakes during his stewardship of the Mavericks. But his biggest mistake this season was pulling a "plug and play" after the team traded for Jason Kidd. Despite having one of the best passing point guards in the history of the league, not to mention one of the game's best transition players, Avery continued to run the same one-on-one, isolation-heavy offense he'd already been using. That's hardly the way to take advantage of a player like Kidd.

And while you all know I'm not a fan of advanced stats, Kidd's usage rate with Dallas (16.1) was easily a career-low (his career average is 21.0). Kidd is at his most valuable when the ball is in his hands, yet Avery's rather one-dimensional offense didn't put the ball there. Now, I realize it's not easy for a coach to change his team's offensive style on the fly, but I never got the feeling that Avery tried all that hard to do so. Nor am I confident that he can do so. His schemes look like a modified version of Nellie Ball with a little more discipline and (at times) a lot more defense. I'm not sure he knows any other way. I'm also not sure he should be given a chance to find out. It's time to move on.

Erick Dampier: The big lug played only seven minutes, recording 1 missed shot and 1 personal foul. Note that Ericka didn't grab a single rebound while he was on the floor. To put that into perspective, little Tyronn Lue played only 57 seconds, and even he grabbed a rebound. This seems as good a time as any to remind you all that Mark Cuban utilized the money he refused to pay Steve Nash to buy Dampier back in the summer of 2004. The chain reaction of that one event led the Mavericks to up on the young and up-and-coming Devin Harris and mortgage their future on the old and down-and-going Jason Kidd. Good call, Cubes.

Jerry Stackhouse: A few days after blasting Coach of the Year Byron Scott and saying he "was about ready to" beat up Scott during the second game of the series, Jerry blew his stack (get it?!) at the worst possible time. With 1:47 left and the Mavericks trying to claw their way back into the game, Stackhouse picked up his second technical foul for slapping the ball out of Chris Paul's hands well after play had been stopped. Yet another reason you can never totally believe in a team that's relying on Jerry Stackhouse for veteran leadership. Here's the video, courtesy of Odenized:


Josh Howard: He completed a disappointing series by scoring only 12 points on 6-for-14 shooting and tying Stackhouse with a team-high 3 turnovers. And like it or not, his poor performance will always be linked to his admission of marijuana use. But at least he'll be very relaxed about it during the offseason.

Hilton Armstrong: From Basketbawful reader Justin T. "Not only does he have the neck of a giraffe, but tonight, Hilton Armstrong achieved the always noteworthy three trillion. For those about to suck...Weeee saluuuuteeee yooouuuu!!" Does Hilton really have the neck of a giraffe? You be the judge.

Peja Stojakovic: Sacramento Era flashback!! Peja shot 2-for-12 in an elimination game. Somewhere Chris Webber is nodding his head and saying, "Yup, that's what I thought."

Samuel Dalembert: Dear merciful Zeus! Did Sam lose a bet or something? Why else would he knowingly make a damned fool of himself like this during the playoffs? Dalembert showed up for Game 5 in Detroit with a wide mohawk and the words "SD" cut into the side of his head. And those initials don't represent his name, either; they stand for "Strong Defense." Seriously. The Great Hair Adventure must have acted like a game-long stat curse, because Sam's man, Rasheed Wallace, scored 19 points on 8-for-12 shooting. Here's a new suggestion for the "SD": Silly Dumbass.


Willie Green: Not only did he shoot 3-for-10, it was his barber that carved the abomination on top of Dalembert's poor head. So if you live in Philadelphia and are about to get a haircut, make sure you aren't using Willie Green's barber before you let him trim a single hair.

The Philly defense: Apparently the Sixers watched an instruction video on defense by the Denver Nuggets prior to last night's game: Detroit shot a blistering 58 percent from the field. Too bad the Piston's hot shooting didn't burn the rest of the hair off of Dalembert's head.

Mike D'Antoni: This is from Basketbawful reader Andrei. "If anyone had any doubts about how incompetent Mike D'Antoni is, it should have evaporated tonight. I just caught one of those 'wired' segments and they showed D'Antoni kidding around with Tim Duncan in the first part of the segment. Would you ever see Popovich kidding around with the other team's star in an elimination game? This of course was followed by the capper: As Gordan Giricek runs into the game, D'Antoni tells him: 'Ugh...you guard Oberto, alright? Keep him off the boards.' Sounded like he was guessing and also asking Goran f***ing Giricek to rebound, good stuff. Also, sticking with Shaq as he clanks free throw after free throw was good too."

Remember early in the season when D'Antoni freaked the hell out over a few extra timeouts called by Phil Jackson? In retrospect, that's when Mikey Boy lost me. We all know about Phil Jackson and his stupid head games, but letting D'Antoni let Jax get to him in the late stages of a meaningless, early-season game. That's hardly the mark of a coach who can instill calm and confidence in his team.

He got mind-banged by Gregg Popovich all series long. Actually, Pop has checkemated him for the last four seasons. I really and truly appreciate what D'Antoni brought to the Suns -- fun, run, and winning -- but, as with Avery Johnson, it's well past time to try something new.

(Also, no offense to Grant Hill, but it's pretty obvious now that Boris Diaw would have been a much bigger asset throughout the season had he been the starter instead of the reserve. Yeah, it's 20/20 hindsight, but the coach probably should have noticed that. Plus, had Grant played fewer minutes, he might have been healthy for the playoffs. I'm just sayin'.)

Leandro Barbosa: The Brazilian Blur shot 1-for-7 last night. Which pretty much sums of his up-and-down season to a T.

Steve Nash: You know you're my boy, Steve, but you cost your team last night's game. The 4-for-16 shooting -- including 1-for-6 from three-point range -- I could have lived with. But the three turnovers in the final minutes? And let's face it: Those were bad passes in heavy traffic. And they broke the team's back at a critical time.

I have consciously avoided mentioning this all season, but I'm going to talk about it now. Nash took a step back this season. It was so tiny that, to a lot of people, it was almost imperceptible. But Captain Canada transformed from a superstar MVP-candidate to merely an All-Star-level player. Don't bother checking the numbers, because the evidence isn't there. John Hollinger won't be able to really explain it to you. Honestly, it's something you have to watch, to feel. Say what you will about Nash's two MVPs, but he earned them. He was dominant and he willed his team to a lot of big wins. But there was something different about him this season.

I tried to convince myself that Nash was taking a step back so that Amare could develop into a superstar. And later I told myself he was just trying to work Shaq into the mix. But what I knew in my heart is that Steve has begun that inexorable slide that all players must go through. It happened to Larry. It happened to Michael in Washington. It happened to Charles and Karl and Hakeem. The league is tough, real tough, and Bird said it best once when he observed that, "It's hard fighting your way to the top of the pile, but it's even harder to hold your ground."

For the first time since he arrived in Phoenix, Nash really couldn't hold his ground any more. He's getting passed by the younger point guards. He's aging. His body is breaking down. Slowly, maybe, but it's happening. And it's a bummer.

The Suns' freethrow shooting: They missed an unthinkable 17 freethrows in a 5-point loss. And, naturally, Shaq was responsible for 11 of those misses (although he did start hitting them in the fourth). So, yeah, okay, maybe the loss wasn't all Nash's fault.

Officiating: Don't get me wrong. The Suns definitely deserved to lose. But there were still two calls that really pissed me off. And of course they both happened in the final five minutes. First, Duncan tripped over his own leg and would have turned the ball over...had the nearest ref not called a tripping foul on Shaq. The Big Cactus had barely brushed Duncan's leg, and it happened a full step before Duncan tripped himself up. It was a bogus call, especially considering it was a hard-fought elimination game in which a lot of contact was being let go.

The second atrocious call came a minute or so later, when Tony Parker drove to the hoop and got "fouled" by Amare Stoudemire. They showed the slow-mo replay, and Stat clearly tried to jump away from the contact, but Parker intentionally dropped like a stone and of course got the call. Revolting. Again, I'm not blaming the Suns' loss on these calls...but that doesn't make me hate them any less.

Gregg Popovich: After all his Hack-a-Shaquery in the Suns-Spurs series, I really, really hope missed freethrows come back to bite his team in the ass at some point.

Manu Ginobili and Kurt Thomas: Awful shooting: Manu was 2-for-11 and Kurt was 3-for-11. Way to come through in a big game. (Although Thomas did pull down 12 boards.)

Robert Horry: This isn't for anything Ben Gay Bob did last night, it's for the fact that -- as Basketbawful reader Lipsome123 pointed out -- Horry's Wikipedia entry feataures a photo of him aping the Duncan face. I can hardly imagine a picture more fitting.

Utah Jazz: I'm not even going to single anybody out. Everybody was equally terrible. Clearly the Jazz were suffering from a bad case of Wecanwinitathomeitis. And they probably can. But that lack of mental toughness bodes ill for them should they make it to the next round. Because the Lakers aren't taking any prisoners right now.

David Stern and the NBA: Here's an e-mail from Basketbawful reader Stephanie G. "So yeah, last year Stoudemire and Diaw got suspended for leaving the bench during an altercation and they were suspended for a critical playoff game. It's a stupid rule because it's so strict and they didn't actually do anything and they just wanted to see what was happening. But a rule's a rule, so whatever. This year, Kevin Garnett shoves a ref who is trying to restrain him and Kendrick Perkins and Marvin Williams step onto the court during an altercation in game four and the NBA doesn't suspend anyone. THE NBA IS FAAAANtastic."

And a little more from Vinny Gorgeous. "Let's not let the day go by without throwing David Stern into WotN, shall we? Regarding the non-suspensions of Perkins and Williams for Game 5: The best part of all this is that when the Suns suspensions went down last year, the media (not just the Phoenix media, either) was all over Stern asking why he couldn't show a little leniency. And his response was basically, 'The rules are the rules and there's absolutely no gray area or room for interpretation whatsoever here. Even though I'm the commissioner and thus responsible for making the rules in the first place my hands are tied.' This man is horrid. I'm a Spurs fan. I wish we could've shown we were the better team last year like we did this year, without help from the refs. But it doesn't change the fact that Stern is a flip-flopper of the highest magnitude and is capable of changing rules on a whim. I'm not saying that the walking on the court rule should be enforced, but if you're going to do it in one instance and make such a huge deal about it, you damn well better apply it to other teams as well."

Update! Yahoo caption writers: Here's some captiony fun from anne. "Hey Bawful, I was looking at the photos from the Suns/Spurs game, and noticed the caption on one of them: 'Tim Duncan #21 of the San Antonio Spurs congratulates Steve Nash #13 the Phoenix Suns after Game Five of the Western Conference Quarterfinals during the 2008 NBA Playoffs as Tony parker #9 looks on at the AT&T Center on April 29, 2008 in San Antonio, Texas.' So, just what is Timmah congratulating him for? For the five turnovers? For being incredibly good looking? (Ok that is just me doing that.)"

Labels: Avery Johnson, Dallas Mavericks, David Stern, Manu Ginobili, Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Chris Bosh might have been given an early vacation by the Orlando Magic, but the dude is a straight-up lovemeister. (I guess he's a lover, not a fighter.)

From eljpeman (who's too lazy to open his blogger account): "This could probably get into the man love series. I would have said that they will have a sweaty and passionate night later on, but i guess they are already having it now."


From anne: "There's a whole series of Bosh man love photos up today. I like this one in particular, as he looks like he's blowing in Superman's ear. What can you say, Bosh is a romantic."

Labels: Chris Bosh, Dwight Howard, fan submissions, Jameer Nelson, man love

Toronto Raptors: This is from Basketbawful reader Colin. "Pretty sure you are going to put them there, but after what I saw tonight I just wanted to make sure. The Toronto Raptors. (I'm a Raptors fan, hurts to say this.) Not only were they the FIRST team to be eliminated from the playoffs this season, but the ATLANTA HAWKS have done better than them in their series against a BETTER TEAM than the Raptors lost to. Thats not right."

Well, it's hard to fault the Raptors too much, because they clearly lost to a suprior team. However, I can't help but wonder why the Magic were superior. On paper, Toronto should have been a pretty equal match for Orlando, both in terms of regular season wins and in a playoff showdown. The glaring problems I can see are bad coaching, the point guard two-stepping, the highly inconsistent play of Mr. Former Number One Draft Pick, the lack of production from free agent acquisition Jason Kapono...you know what? Never mind. It's suddenly very obvious that the dinos have problems 'o plenty. It'll be interesting to see what Bryan Colangelo does this offseason.

Special note!! For those of you who misunderstood the previous paragraph, I was talking about the Raptors season as a whole. Not just the five-game playoff sample. So yes, Bargs sucked the entire series, but was inconsistent for most of the season. Kapono mysteriously showed up for the playoffs after not producing for most of the season. Is that clear enough?

Andrea Bargnani: After watching Bargs commit his second foul in the first half minute of the game, my very first thought was, "Oh boy, I'm going to be hearing about this from Shrugz." Sure enough, a few minutes later I had the following e-mail waiting in my inbox: "Bargnani 2 fouls in the first 20 seconds. HAHAHAHHAHA! Too funny." Bargnani ended up playing only 15 minutes and finished with 4 points, 1 rebound, 2 assists, 3 fouls and one badly missed three-pointer that missed the rim entirely. Amazingly, his replacement was even worse...

Rasho Nesterovic: Note that Rasho had been on fire for a month and a half until Toronto's soon-to-be ex-coach Sam Mitchell benched him for Bargnani. And that pretty much killed Rasho's mojo. He was used in relief last night and responded with zero points, 2 rebounds, 1 turnover and 3 fouls in just under 9 minutes of lack-tion.

T.J. Ford: Will T.J. still be the starter next season? Will he even be on the team? If the Raptors want to improve, the answer to those questions really should be "no" and "no." Ford shot poorly (6-for-14) and 4 of the team's 6 turnovers. He looks for his own shot too often, and he tends to force the action -- his action -- when the Toronto offense stalls. In retrospect, Jose Calderon's self-benching might have been the worst thing to happen to this team going into the playoffs.

Marcin Gortat: The Warlock didn't quite play four minutes (3:55), nor did he achieve a three trillion because he grabbed a single rebound. He even failed at failing. (Okay. I'll admit. I only included Marcin because I like typing his last name.)

The Atlanta Hawks Bandwagon: This is from Basketbawful reader Craig. "Mike Bibby the Hypocrite. Sure he can talk a big game about the supposed fair-weather Boston fans, but I would ask him this question: Atlanta was notorious for having very low attendance during the regular season the past couple of years. Now all of a sudden because they made the playoffs, the place is sold out and the fans are actually giving them a homecourt advantage. Where were all those closet fans during the rebuilding years and even this season? Next time you want to talk about another team's fans how about you look at your own first." The only correction I'd made to Craig's rant is changing "the past couple of years" to "the past couple of decades." Seriously. Half of the arena was empty even during the latter half of the Dominique Wilkins era.

The Boston Bench: This is from Basketbawful reader friesenth: "I've totaled the Celtics bench stats from nba.com, minus James Posey who actually contributed in a positive way. Cassell, Big Baby, House and Powe combined for an incredible 3 points, 4 rebounds, 3 assists, 3 fouls, and 1 turnovers in nearly 40 minutes of total playing time. That's the spark you want off the bench. Maybe all those concerns about their depth are finally starting to come true." [Checks the box score] Ummm, uhhhh, ummm...

The Atlanta Bench: They provided a total of 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting, although they did contribute 12 rebounds and 2 assists. Although 9 of those rebounds and both of those assists were from Josh Childress. So were the 4 points. Take Josh out of the equation and the Hawk reserve corps had zero points, 3 rebounds, a blocked shot, and four fouls.

Shaky officiating: Look, I generally hate it when fans cry "foul" after their team loses. But the Celtics got hosed by the officials last night. Boston started out on fire, taking a 16-3 lead, and looked firmly in control of the game. Things started to fall apart when Josh Smith pulled off two amazing blocked shots on Rajon Rondo. So amazing, in fact, that they weren't technically legal. Smith fell on top of Rondo after the first block, and on the second block Smith got all ball and all body...and last time I checked, the body still isn't part of the ball.

Look, I get it. David Stern was on hand for the game, and the Commish likes to see competitive series. In fact, he was interviewed during the game and you could tell -- despite his rictus-like grin -- that he's disappointed the Suns-Spurs and Nuggets-Lakers series are ending early (unless Phoenix pulls off a miracle tonight). And there's no question that, from the referees perspectives, it's better to "let them play," especially when a home team does something spectacular that gets the crowd on its feet.

But those two blocks not only killed the Celtics' momentum, it set a physical tone that clearly favored the Hawks, who got a little more benefit of the doubt from the refs (which resulted in a 33-18 freethrow advantage, although the final four FTs came from desperation fouls by the C's). I'm not saying Atlanta didn't play with heart and fire, and I'm not saying Boston didn't have a fair share of missed shots. But I can't quite shake the feeling that the zebras cast a shadow over this game.

Paul Pierce: He totally boned a layup in the final minute that would have pulled the Celtics to within two and given them a much better shot at stealing the game. Truth got free and just lost the ball on the way up...and his expression as it happened was totally comical, in that tragic "I just lost my team the game" kind of way.

Kevin Garnett: KG, angry and frustrated, hit Zaza Pachulia with an elbow and then tried to play it off as if he was merely trying to explain to a nearby official that he had been elbowed. C'mon, Kevin. We're not stupid. But that move was.

Zaza Pachulia: It's good that he didn't back down, but going face to face with Garnett? And even going so far as to butt heads with KG? That was almost as stupid as Garnett's elbow. Unless Zaza was trying to pull a Robert Horry. (And, in fact, it looked like Kendrick Perkins stepped on the court and might be suspended for Game 5.) It's telling that Garnett, while he didn't back down at all, also didn't escalate things. Maturity...or the fact that he knew he was in the wrong?

David Stern: His reaction to the Garnett-Pachulia showdown was priceless. I haven't seen an old guy in that much distress since watching my buddy's grandpa try to get out of a beanbag chair.

Mario West: He had 19 seconds in Game 4. [Cue the sad music.]

Denver Nuggets: When an eighth seed that barely made the playoffs waits until a first-round elimination game to finally give their all, good things usually don't happen for them (the Suns' Game 4 win notwithstanding). In retrospect, maybe things would have been different if 'Melo had called out his team a little earlier.

Carmelo's critics: It sure seemed like everybody and their brother wanted to label 'Melo's "We quit" rant as a lack of maturity on his part, while Kobe's decimation of his teammates and Lakers management over he summer was just "shaken' trees." Oh, and of course Larry Bird's denunciation of his teammates as "sissies" and "a bunch of women" during the 1984 NBA Finals is the stuff of legend. It's yet another case of the winning double-standard. If you are winning or have won in the past, you get a free pass to blast teammates or roast your team. But if you don't win...if you can't even get out of the first round...well, then, you're an immature malcontent who needs to shut his mouth.

But Anthony was right to do what he did, and his team responded with their best gamae of the series, even if they still lost anyway. It's too bad for them that 'Melo didn't speak up, say, 25 or 30 games ago. Maybe Denver would have solved some of their problems a little sooner.

George Karl, quote machine: "My wish would be that we had four games like tonight and we all could have been happier. I’ve said all along, when they play the right way, they're fun guys to coach." And if wishes were fishes, the world would be an ocean. But as long as you're having fun, coach, we're all happy for you. (But not really.)

Pau Gasol: Dude, I know you're all happy-as-kittens about finally getting out of the first round of the playoffs, but speaking for NBA fans everywhere, we don't want to see your doughy belly. Not even that man-woman in the bottom right of the picture.

Reggie Miller: Ah, Reggie. His awesomeness knows no human boundaries. Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm sent in this very enjoyable exchange between Reggie and Marv Albert from last night's Lakers-Nuggets game.

Reggie: "A lot of questions have been about the Denver Nuggets. This, so far, has been their best half of basketball."

Marv: "Although they have given up 62 points in this first half. And they were down by as man as 13. And are down 10..."

Matt (in absentia): "Definitely, Reg. Best half. Just try not to, you know, speak, Reg."

NBA.com historians: Basketbawful reader Dan from South Australia doesn't appreciate the fact that The League's official Web site is ignorent of its own history. "From this article: 'Toronto made the playoffs in 2000, 2001, 2002 and 2007. They were eliminated in the first round in three of their four postseason appearances. The only time they won a first-round series was in 2001, when they beat the New Jersey Nets in six games, and lost to the Detroit Pistons in the Eastern Conference semifinals in five games.' History is fun, making up history is funner. The only first-round series win was in 2001, but they beat New York 3-2 and then lost to Philly 4-3 (the notorious Carter-needs-to-graduate-before-game-7 series...maybe NBA.com is trying to erase the VC years from memory too)."

Labels: Andrea Bargnani, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Denver Nuggets, George Karl, Kevin Garnett, Pau Gasol, Paul Pierce, referees, Toronto Raptors

Good stuff from Basketbawful reader anne: "This is a great photo of the aftermath of Jason Kidd's foul from the dallasnews.com site. They have a suck ass flash viewer or I'd link to it directly. It looks like they are running down the court to watch a breakdance duel between Jannero and Kidd. Either that or Jannero looks like he is attempting Booker T's old spinerooni move in the middle of the game."

Bonus points to Peja, who looks like he's thinking, "Your breakdancing moves could kill a large forest animal, my young American friend! Which is why I have soiled my underwear."


By the way: Thanks to everybody for their suggestions and submissions. I've tried to add everything applicable to Worst of the Weekend. Please forgive me if I missed something...I can't brain on Mondays.

Labels: breakdancing, fan submissions, Jannero Pargo, Jason Kidd, Peja Stojakovic

Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm sent me the video (via Tom Ziller of AOL Fanhouse) with the line "Want me to make your day?" Usually those lines are followed by an empty promise to enlarge my penis to monolithic size. But this time, it truly delivered...courtesy of Masha Kirilenko.

Labels: Andrei Kirilenko

Detroit Pistons, Game 3: Ah, the Pistons. After "proving" themselves in Game 2, they fell back into their "Teams should just roll over when they play us" mindset in Game 3. They shot 40 percent, committed a season-high 25 turnovers, and lost by 20. When a team wins 59 games and talks all season about how their only goal is to win a championship, then they probably shouldn't fall into a 2-1 hole against a 40-42 team in the first round of the playoffs. I'm just sayin'.

Chauncey Billups: Mr. Big Shot was front and center in Detroit's embarrassing Game 3 loss, scoring only 11 points on 2-for-11 shooting and committing 3 turnovers.

Rasheed Wallace: Let's not forget 'Sheed, who scored 2 points on 1-for-6 shooting and threw the ball away 4 times. You never know what you're going to get from this guy...and that's Guaran-sheed.

New Orleans Hornets, Game 3: They could never get over the hump, mostly because they were shooting like somebody squirted dish soap in their eyes. As a team, they hit only 37 percent of their shots, with Chris Paul (4-for-18) and David West (6-for-20) building most of the brick outhouse. If not for Jannero Pargo's 30, the Hornets probably would have lost by 30.

A little Dallas home homecookin', Game 3: A 38-to-13 freethrow advantage for the Mavericks? Really? I'm not saying they didn't earn most (if not all) of their foul shots, but they were being just as aggressive on defense as they were on offense. Chris Paul in particular was roughed up (and he responded by trying to clear Jason Terry out with a few hard elbows). As always, all I want as a fan is a little consistency. If the refs are going to "let 'em play" at one end, they shouldn't get all whistle happy on the other end.

Malk Allen: Game 3, three trillion. Fitting. (Fittingly sucky, that is.)

Phoenix Suns, Game 3: This is how the Suns respond to their championship window slamming shut? By sticking their collective necks in the way? The lack of focus and intensity they showed in Game 3 was shameful to them as a team and painful for their fans, who booed them lustily and then left early. I hope that Tony Parker and his career-high 41 points are burned into the Suns players' retinas for the rest of their lives. Especially Mike D'Antoni and his whole "let's just wait it out until they start missing" defensive strategy.

Here's a little postscript from reader Stephanie G, who said what I can't quite bring myself to. "You're going to get a lot of e-mails for this game I bet. In a surreal way I'm kinda happy the Suns got dismantled the manner they did. It feels like closure. I think I'd rather see it happen this way then them being close and just falling short like in game one or last year. This way there are no nagging questions or 'what-ifs' to wring your hands over. It's just a straight up mugging by the Frenchman. In the first half when the Spurs had a healthy lead Popovich was dressing down Oberto for making one defensive mistake that led to a lay up. That one moment sums up the difference between these two franchises. D'Antoni was in the huddle in the first quarter telling his guys how the Spurs couldn't keep hitting shots like they were and that things would turn around if they just waited it out. Nice call, Pringles dude. Did you ever hold a practice on how to guard a pick and roll? I would have loved to be a fly on the wall. I wonder what sort of future this team has. Maybe one more year of being able to 'contend'? Nash and Shaq are going to turn to dust and then in another couple years it'll just be Amare and some role players and journeymen. Of course this means they will win 60 games and get to the finals, right? That's how these things always turn out."

Update! Dwight Howard: Does he get favorable treatment from the refs? Basketbawful reader and Raptors fan Sabertooth thinks so: "Also for Worst of the weekend, more evidence of the complete unfairness when it comes to Dwight along with his blatant parking under the hoop and not being called for three seconds...it's maddening, but not the reason why we're down in the series."

Andrea Bargnani: What a Game 4! He had 5 points (1-for-7), 2 rebounds, zero assists. Can somebody tell me why he replaced Rasho Nesterovic as the starting center?

Jose Calderon: I guess he and Andrea were having a suck-off contest, because Jose shot an identical 1-for-7. Which made T.J. Ford's 6-for-16 look great by comparison.

Marcin Gortat: The Polish Polecat put got 10 minutes of PT in Game 4, rewarding Stan Van Gundy with zero points, 1 rebound and 2 fouls.

Update! Joey Graham and Kris Humphries: TheGiantSquid corrected my mistake: "Hey, if you're gonna call out Marcin 'the Warlock' Gortat, at least give mention to the two(!!) Raptors who posted a 1 trillion each: Joey Graham and Kris Humphries." Done.

Denver Nuggets, Game 3. They quit. Players one through 12 and even the coach. They all quit, gave up, surrendered. And at least Carmelo Anthony had the balls to admit it. "Yeah. We quit. Everybody. From the coaches to the players, we quit. And I said it. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not pointing the fingers at nobody. I didn't play worth a (expletive) tonight, and I can accept that. But as a competitor, there's no way that I should lay down and quit and lay down on my team like we did tonight. You could just sense it. I'm saying 'we,' because I'm part of this, too. I'm saying I quit. We all just gave up."

George Karl: 'Melo's words didn't sit too well with his coach. Said Karl: "Well, I don't think I quit. In the fourth quarter, I tried to find some answers. I don't think that's a fair, I think 'Melo's emotional right now, he's frustrated right now, as we all are." That's the kind of defensive reaction you expect from a guy trying desperately to hold onto his job. Why not challenge your team? Why not call them out? The Nuggets need a wakeup call. Anthony tried to giveth, while Karl tried to taketh away. Can you imagine how the 1984 NBA Finals would have turned out if Celtics coach K.C. Jones had responded to Larry Bird's "We played like a bunch of sissies tonight" speach by saying, "Well, I don't think I coached like a sissy! Larry's just being emotional."?

Update! Reggie Miller: Here's a tummy-tickler, courtesy of Rob from BigDiction.net: "Another quality Reggie Miller moment, after a Kenyon Martin dunk Saturday: "And Kenyon Martin is really getting this crowd out of its feet!"

Boston Celtics, Game 3: Wow. They sure came out flat in Game 3. And suddenly there's a chink in the Celtics' armor. Great teams should come out and crush their first round opponents without remorse. I'm okay with them saving a little intensity for the later rounds, but they need to take care of business now, too.

Al Horford: The rook has been on fire against the Celtics, averaging around 15 points and 11 rebounds. Moreover, he's been the most fearless Hawk of all. Still...he needs to do a better job of controlling his youthful stupidity. Because giving Paul Pierce the business? Not a good idea. Especially after bashing Kendrick Perkins' nose. I have a feeling things are going to get a lot tougher for the rookie in Game 4.

Acie Law: After a great Game 2, he notched a four trillion in Game 3. Which I guess means that Mike Bibby's job is secure for a little while longer.

Mario West: He played only 8 seconds in Game 3. I really feel sorry for this guy, and I'm almost completely heartless.

Botched calls: From Basketbawful reader Dave: "Obviously you watched the game last night. I was to caught up in the moment to rewind and watch the play, but upon further investigation tonight it is perfectly clear that Carl Landry CLEARLY stepped out of bounds (1:24 into the video, or 3:12 left in game time). Thought it was worth mentioning after the whole city of Houston was up in arms after the Scola/Kirelinko incident in Game 2. Granted is doesn't matter much because the Jazz won anyways, but it also goes to show that one single call does not a game change."

Tracy McGrady: Another great game (23 points, 10 rebounds, 8 assists), and another fourth quarter disappearing act (only 4 points). Through Games 1 through 4, T-Mac has scored a total of 12 points...and 7 of those came in Game 3.

Deron Williams: He bricked two freethrows with seven seconds left that would have iced Game 4. Fortunately for Williams and the Jazz, Mehmet Okur rebounded the second miss, got fouled, and this hit both of his freethrows.

Bobby Jackson: The Rockets didn't shoot well as a team (36 percent), and Bobby Jackson was holding the baton and leading the brick parade (1-for-10).

Carlos Boozer: The Mailman is not impressed. Boozer shot 3-for-13 in Game 4. Hey, Booz, the basket's that way!

DeShawn Stevenson: You'd think he would have learned to let sleeping dogs lie. Instead, he continues to take shots at LeBron, and in Game 4 he delivered his blow Jackie Chan-style. The result? King James went off and the Cavaliers went on a 13-0 run. It's obvious the Locksmith isn't going to learn his lesson.


Also, note that Jay-Z has added to the James-Stevenson rivalry. But DeShawn is thrilled about it. "He's worth $500 million, and he's writing songs about me. What does that say about DeShawn Stevenson? Ballin'!" He really doesn't get it, does he?

Update! LeBron James: Carlo won't forgive King James for mangling the King's English, no matter how many blows on the head he's taken. "I hate DeShawn Stevenson...but with that said, what's up with LeBron's English and his third-person talk? 'If we was on the park, something definitely would have escalated. But, you know, I guess that's what they want to do. They want to hurt LeBron James this series. It ain't working.' 'If we was'...really, LeBron? You've been hangin out with Jay-Z too much."

Phoenix Suns, Game 4: Where was this intensity and physical aggression in Game 3? Or, for that matter, Games 1 and 2? Why can't the Suns play like this every game?!

San Antonio Spurs: The officials let the Suns rough them up a bit, but instead of responding the Spurs did what the Spurs do: Flopped, complained, and rolled around on the ground in mock pain over and over. In the first quarter, Manu Ginobili took a dive on a Boris Diaw post up in which he was never touched. They play smart basketball, and they win, and I admire all that. But the rest of their antics make me ill.

Gregg Popovich: His consistent use of Hack-a-Shaq might be strategically sound, but it makes me hate him. Well, hate him more.

Bruce Bowen: He played 20 minutes, missed three shots and committed one foul. And yeah, I know you can't measure everything Bowen does by his statistics, but come on.

Andre Iguodala: He's Philly's leading scorer. Well, he was until the playoffs. He's averaging about 10 PPG on 22 percent shooting. And he doomed the Sixers in Game 4 by scoring only 12 points on 4-for-16 shooting. C'mon, Iggy! Your team needs you!

Arron Afflalo: He wins the Mario West Award for playing only 5 seconds against the Sixers on Sunday.

Update! Jarvis Hayes: Basketbawful reader Josh said: "You forgot about Jarvis Hayes on Worst of the Night. He played 2:59 for the Pistons and was able to come up with nothing but 2 fouls. Compare that to what probably would have happened if he was still on the Wizards...hmm...." Okay. I'll let Jarvis sneak in this time. But I'll expect worse things from him in the future.

Dallas Mavericks, Game 4: Ah, sweet Dallas...finding new ways to collapse every season. The NBA Playoffs just wouldn't be the same without them failing in some major way.

Josh Howard: I'm not going to touch the subject of his admitted marijuana use. But it sure seems to have distracted him from his game; he scored only 6 points on 3-for-16 shooting yesterday. Rikes, Raggy!

Jason Kidd: He played badly (3 points, 1-for-6, 3 assists, 2 turnovers) and then got himself ejected for nearly beheading Jannero Pargo. Kidd tried to play it off as a "hard foul," but watch the video: Kidd clearly pulled down on Pargo's neck well after the intial foul. That was pure, dagnasty evil. [From Odenized.]


Doug Collins: According to Basketbawful reader Nate, Doug is currently attending the Reggie Miller School for Unintentionally Hilarious Commentating: "Doug Collins just referred to Dirk Nowitkzi as 'a very erect player.' I feel like Basketbawful needs to know about any potential man love between the likes of Doug Collins and Dirk, as disgusting as that idea may be." Nate, if you were trying to make me shudder in revulsion, then misery accomplished.

TNT statisticians: This is from Basketbawful reader Paul: "I don't know if you caught this or not on TNT this evening, but they were showing some bogus statistic across the screen over and over again that I just couldn't wrap my head around...check out the attachment. Supposedly, Dallas has sold out 314 consecutive post season appearances. Even before looking it up, I didn't think that could be at all possible. Even if Dallas went to a game seven of the finals every year and each series went to a game seven, that's only be 16 home games a season, and only if Dallas had the home court advantage every year. That'd take Dallas 19 years to get 314 consecutive games. Even if you counted games at home and away, you'd still get only 28 games a season and it'd take 11 years. In the end, I found this link that says Dallas only has a 62-71 playoff record all time meaning they've only played in 133 post season games EVER. Maybe it was just a typo?" It probably was a typo. But a very dumb one.

Update! TNT's Closer promos: Basketbawful reader rhymenoceros said: "It's not quite basketball-related, but it's something we all have to suffer through on TNT, also. The insane amount of "Closer" commercials is driving me crazy. I don't know what's going on, but they're shoving this crap down our throats at what seems like every single commercial break, sometimes twice. I don't know if I've ever hated Kyra Sedgwick more...." Hmm. If Kyra ends up dead anytime soon, I guess we all know who to blame/thanks.

Update! NBA.com: Basketbawful reader Milan noticed that the league's Web site couldn't quite tell the difference between Dirk and Tim Duncan this weekend. Check out the text next to Dirk's mug...

Labels: Boston Celtics, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, DeShawn Stevenson, Detroit Pistons, Jason Kidd, New Orleans Hornets, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Weekend

Go ahead and put this creamy dollop of man love on top of your Monday morning NBA sunday, courtesy of Lipsome123: "This is on ESPN's NBA page right now, with the caption 'David West's big-game effort put the Hornets one win away.' I wonder how he feels about Devean George's big-game? Oh that was too easy."

Jimmy P. added the following: "It looks to me like Devean George is WAYYYYY too happy being groped by David West. And check out Bonzi Wells in the background, he can't believe what's going on!"

(Rahim gave me the head's up on this one as well. Thanks, everybody.)

Labels: David West, Devean George, fan submissions, man love

I guess this must be the week for uncovering unintentionally hilarious Larry Bird commercials from the 80s. Check out this spot for the American Heart Association starring Larry Legend and the creepiest heart doctor you'll ever see. Who knew working on alternatives to bypass surgery could win you a place on Bird's pesonal All-Star Team.


And here I thought Larry hated doctors...


Random update: Here's an imaginary starting five for the Larry Bird honorary All-Stars: Creepy heart doctor guy, Kenny Rogers, the person who invented the bathroom door baby hanger, the man (and I know it was a man) who came up with the idea of equipping a car with a flamethrower, and this dude.

Labels: commercials, Dr. J, Larry Bird, YouTube

Because Rafer Alston heart's Carl Landry's toothless face.

Labels: Carl Landry, kissing, man love, Rafer Alson

Jameer Nelson and Maurice Evans: I've said over and over this season that guard play was going to doom. Well, after the first two games of the Raptors-Magic series, I was left enjoying the salty taste of my own foot. But no more. Nelson (6 points, 2-for-8, 5 fouls) and Evans (zero points, 0-for-3, zero assists, 3 turnovers) finally lived back down to my expectations. Even worse, they got burned by T.J. Ford (21 points, 7-for-11) and Jose Calderon (18 points, 7 rebounds, 13 assists).

Rasho Nesterovic: The Yugoslavian Terror has been on fire since March -- and I have proof -- but he still got exiled to the bench and played only 10 minutes last night. His line: 2 points, 1-for-3 shooting, 1 turnovers, 4 fouls. Why the reduced role? Some say that putting Jamario Moon back in the starting lineup rejuvenated a listless Raptors team. Me? I think Bryan Colangelo got Rasho's Contract Year Phenomenon vibe and told Sam Mitchell to sit him. That way he'll be cheaper in the offseason. See, as a GM, you've always got to be thinking ahead...

The Cavaliers' butterfingeritis: The Wizards put the pressure on Cleveland, and the Cavs responded by turning the ball over 23 times. Those turnovers translated to 30 points for Washington. Ouch.

LeBron James: With the Washington crowd chearing "OVER-RATED," LeBron chuckled and then boned a freethrow. If I was a Cleveland fan, I would have preferred to see King James adopt a look of steely-eyed determination, sink the freethrow, and then go off on the Wizards. But that didn't happen, which kind of surprised me. Maybe the presence of an angry Soulja Boy took LeBron out of his game.

Wally Szczerbiak: The line: 6 points, 3-for-9 shooting, no three-pointers, 2 rebounds, 3 assists. And while Wally World struggles, the Cavaliers are still waiting for the guy who was supposed to be such a big upgrade from Larry Hughes to show up.

Ben Wallace: Can somebody -- anybody -- tell me how having Big Ben (5 points, 2-for-4, 5 rebounds, 1 assist, 1 turnovers, 2 blocked shots) for $15.5 million is better than having Drew Gooden for $6.4 million? Since I haven't picked on him in a while, I am morally obligated to once again point out that John Hollinger said of the Chicago-Cleveland trade "This one works, big time (for Cleveland)."

Daniel Gibson: I said he was going to need to step up and hit some big threes for the Cavs. He didn't (0-for-3).

Devin Brown: Amazingly, he was Cleveland's second-best player last night (10 points, 8 rebounds), yet he shot 2-for-8 from the field. That's the kind of night it was for the Cavaliers. Speaking of which...

Dwayne Jones: He was a mere two seconds shy of achieving a seven trillion. Even at six, it's still the highest trillion of the playoffs so far.

Gilbert Arenas: On a night in which almost everything went Washington's way, there was one little cause for concern: Agent Zero reinjured his surgically-repaired left knee. The Wizards claim that Arenas only has a bone bruise and he's listed as day-to-day. But still...it feels a little ominous, doesn't it?

DeShawn Stevenson: Yes. We get it. You can't feel your face. Or whatever. But did you have to steal Hulk Hogan's ear-move too? The Locksmith has officially gone from "mildly amusing" to "unbearably annoying."

But here's a question. What exactly is up with Stevenson's hand gesture? Caseta said: "Here's some material for your WotN: the announcers of the Cavs-Wizards game. Stevenson kept doing the 'can't feel my face' thing, and they kept talking about how no one can see him. They were thinking his gesture meant he was hiding or something. Quite annoying. especially after all the talk during the past couple of weeks. I wonder what they think Mutombo's wagging finger means...perhaps 'do you want to smell my finger ?'"

And this was Mike's response: "Actually, and I'm getting quite annoyed at this, the Hand-Waving-Infront-Of-The-Face gesture is 'You Can't See Me' started by one John Cena of WWE and The Marine fame. He started using it as part of his gimmick about two, two and a half years ago now. Those announcers were actually spot on. Everyone else who thinks that it means that he can't feel his face or he's cooling off his hot hand is just plain wrong."

Can we get a ruling on this? Has Stevenson ever explained it? Does anybody know?

Carlos Boozer: I guess Boozer is taking those Karl Malone comparisons pretty seriously? Remember the trail of broken bodies left behind by The Mailman? Well, last night Boozer decided to begin his own trail, starting with Carl Landry.

Mehmet Okur: He had a double-double (12 points, 11 rebounds), but he also missed 10 of his 13 shot attempts. And his bricklaying did not help Utah's cause.

Andre Kirilenko: He is Utah's X-Factor. When the Russian Rifle is on his game -- scoring, rebounding, passing, playing defense, doing all the little things -- the Jazz seem unstoppable. The only problem is, you never know which Kirilenko is going to show up: The do-everything defensive ace, or the can't-to-anything moper? Last night he was more or less the latter: 5 points, 2-for-7, 2 rebounds, zero assists, 2 turnovers, 1 blocked shot, and 4 fouls. How can such a useful guy be so useless in such a big game? Update! Dunpizzle had this to add: "More AK47 WotN - he had the audacity to try to win a 2nd straight game with a flop." Oh my stars and garters, he did. How did I miss that?! Have...have I become desensitized to Andre's flopping??


Some random Jazz fan: Memo to front row spectators everywhere: Bob Delaney will not tolerate your potty mouth. [From Odenized.]


Tracy McGrady apologists: An anonymous reader left this comment on yesterday's Tracy McGrady: Responsible for the world and all its woes post: "Well, last night was, pretty much, T-Mac's fault that the Jazz lost the game."

However, another anonymous reader begged very much to differ: "Uh, not based on what I see. Sure he brought the Rockets close, but he almost bricked the game at the end as well. It was Carl Landry's drawn foul that gave the Rockets a 93-86 lead (opposed to 92-86). Tracy's screwup offensive foul allowed the Jazz to to pull within 93-92 (opposed to 92-92). Then Landry's block saved the lead for the win (no OT). It's annoying that most media members just blindly give McGrady a free pass, other than maybe Tony Kornheiser on Pardon The Interruption. That's 'why y'all hatin' on T-mac so much,' because at some point seven first round exits has to mean something."

It should be noted that McGrady scored 7 points in the final 3:29 of the fourth, and those were very important points. However, the win wasn't all Tracy, as Lipsome123 pointed out: "I keep seeing things about T-mac being great in the 4th quarter...really?! 2-8 shooting, bad fouls, leaving Okur wide open for a three is good? He was saved by his teammates." Keep in mind too that the win hardly absolves McGrady of several seasons worth of big game disappearances. As JR commented -- fairly or unfairly -- "T-Mac is just a real life exhibition of learned helplessness. I think its gotten to the point where we have to recognise T-Mac as the bizarro Kobe." Personally? I'd like to see Tracy put an end to all that. Just not against my Jazz, please.

ESPN caption writers: Basketbawful reader Quinton sent this in an email: "Big Q here, lover, fighter, die hard rockets fan. Thought you'd be interested in ESPN mislabeling not one of our role players, but our star shooting guard as a center." He's not wrong. Here's ESPN's caption for the lead picture of today's WotN post: "Houston Rockets center Tracy McGrady loses the ball as he heads against Utah Jazz guard Ronnie Brewer (9) during the first quarter of Game 3 of a first-round NBA basketball playoff series Thursday, April 24, 2008, in Salt Lake City." Center? So what, does that mean Yao is out of a job when his foot heals?

Labels: Andre Kirilenko, Ben Wallace, box score madness, Carlos Boozer, Cleveland Cavaliers, DeShawn Stevenson, Gilbert Arenas, Lebron James, Orlando Magic, Rasho Nesterovic, Tracy McGrady, Wally Szczerbiak

After enduring the umpteen-millionth criticism for his teams' fourth quarter collapses and his many and sordid playoff failures, Tracy McGrady has officially admitted what we all already knew: He's to blame.

"It's my fault. It's my fault we missed free throws. It's my fault we lost both games. Blame me. It's my fault we fouled to tie the game up. That's my fault. It's my fault they get easy layups. It's my fault we're not executing well on the offensive end. It's my fault a couple people in the stands ordered Heinekens and they got Budweiser. It's my fault. I'm sorry."

T-Mac can't be serious....can he?

"I am serious. It's my fault. Everything is my fault. It's my fault. It's T-Mac's fault. Everybody's blaming me. The Suns (for being down 2-0 to the Spurs). I mean, everybody. That's what it seems like. It's my fault. I'm out there by myself."

But, but, but...wouldn't things be totally different if Rafer Alston and Yao Ming hadn't gotten hurt?

"That's another one of my faults: That Rafer got hurt and Yao got hurt. It's my fault. I'm sorry."

Wow. Well, apology accepted. For the record, we're all sorry for you too, Tracy. And two games from now, we'll be really sorry for you.

Tracy McGrady Is The Reason You Sometimes Feel Lonely [Deadspin]

Labels: martyrdom, sarcasm, Tracy McGrady

This just in: RJ White, Editor of The City Desk, pointed out in an email that the Philadelphia 76ers have convinced Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell to sign a proclamation renaming Philly's Schuylkill Expressway in the team's honor.

According to the proclamation: "The Philadelphia 76ers need the rallying support of everyone in the Greater Philadelphia Region as the team faces the Detroit Pistons in the final round of the Eastern Conference. To raise awareness of the Philadelphia 76ers quest to 'Run With Us' in the postseason, I, Edward G. Rendell, Governor of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, do hearby proclaim I-76 (a.k.a. the Schuykill Express) as 'I-76ers' for the time the Philadelphia 76ers are competing in the National Baskeball Association post season."

So, okay, it's only for a few games. But still. Also, Governor Rendell obviously doesn't know much about the NBA. I mean, "as the team faces the Detroit Pistons in the final round of the Eastern Conference." Not only is that wrong, it doesn't make much sense. Oh well. Just goes to prove that politics and playoffs don't mix.

Labels: Detroit Pistons, fan submissions, government, Philadelphia 76ers

Andre Iguodala: Philadelphia's leading scorer (19.9 PPG) has a total of 20 points on 5-for-24 shooting in two playoff games against the Pistons. In last night's blowout loss, he managed only 4 points on 1-for-9 from the field. In my preview for this series, I said: "In the two (regular season) games Philly won, Andre Iguodala scored 22 and 25 points...Iggy's got to score for the Sixers to stay competitive." And what do you know? Last night he didn't score and they couldn't stay competitive. Dismissed as coincidence. Seriously, though, Iguodala needs to become more aggressive and really take it to the Pistons in Game 3. This means more drives and fewer jumpshots (seven of his nine FGAs last night were jumpers). Which should be easier, since the Sixers will be at home (which always curtails the opposing team's hands-on defense).

Andre Miller: He did decent job scoring the basketball (14 points, 6-for-11) but not passing it (3 assists, 3 turnovers). I also noted in my series preview that: "Andre Miller has to keep the offense running." He's much more valuable to his team as a playmaker than as a scorer (although his scoring his important too). He can't let Detroit turn him into more of a scorer than a setup man.

Philly's defense: I know they ran into a buzzsaw, because the Pistons were determined to redeem themselves after losing Game 1. But still...no club should be allowed to shoot 55 percent as a team in the postseason. This is the playoffs, man. The playoffs.

Mike Bibby: Bibs played pretty poorly in Game 1 -- 5 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 1 assist, 2 turnovers -- much to the raucous delight of the Celtics' home crowd. His response? Well, Bibby uncharacteristically fired a few volleys at the Boston faithful: "They are fair-weather fans if you ask me. They were kind of loud in the beginning (of Game 1), but a lot of those fans are bandwagon jumpers trying to get on this now. I played here last year, too (with the Sacramento Kings), and I didn't see three-quarters of them. They're for the team now and they might get a little rowdy, but that's about it."

Those were stupid words delivered at the worst possible time, and Boston center Kendrick Perkins couldn't believe it: "He said what? Coming off a 2-for-10 night shooting, you'd say something like that, too." Of course, Bibby -- already on a roll -- couldn't let that one go: "I don't know where (Perkins) got this tough streak from. His stat line was worse than mine. Anybody else, I might take a little (bit differently). Until he does something in his career, for him to come at me like that, it kind of upsets me."

Was he ever. Mikey-boy was so troubled by Perkins and his unfair comments that he went out and shot 2-for-7 and had 1 lonely assist. That'll teach that loser, Mike! Meanwhile, Rajon Rondo out-veteren-ed Bibby for the second straight game (12 points, 6-for-11, 6 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals). It got so bad that Atlanta coach Mike Woodson to replaced Bibby with bench monkey Acie Law IV. (And it should be noted that Law hit as many field goals in 21 minutes as Bibby has in Games 1 and 2.) The Boston Bandwagoneers noticed this, of course, and not only cheers for Bibby's return ("Whe-eres Bib-ee?") but also let him know where he ranks in the point guard food chain ("Ron-do's be-tter!" )

And you know what? Bibby still wouldn't shut up.

After the game, Bibs again went after both Perkins ("I thought he tried to hit me a couple of times, but I didn't really feel it.") and Celtics fans ("They know who they are. If they took offense, they must be part of it. I guess they are all bandwagon jumpers."). Keep talkin', Mike. Just keep on talkin'...

Josh Smith: Smith certainly played poorly enough to warrant WotN consideration -- 3-for-13 shooting, 5 turnovers, 5 personal fouls -- but the real reason he's here is because of something that happened less than a minute and a half into the game. Smith committed a hard foul on Paul Pierce in which he took Paul Pierce down, landed on him, and then rolled over his head. And I'm sorry, but you cannot tell me that occurred purely by accident. Pierce had to leave the game for a while, but it didn't effect the outcome. We'd probably have heard a lot more about this play if it had.

Joe Johnson: The Hawks' captain scored 11 points -- about half of his regular season average -- on 4-for-10 shooting, and he had 5 turnovers to only 1 assist. Now he knows how the captain of the Hindenburg felt.

Update! Mario West: Basketbawful reader friesenth gave me the following reminder: "You forgot to mention Mario West and his 31 seconds of zero-for-everything lack-tion." Indeed I did. Sorry.

Tony Allen: The low point last night for the Celtics was Allen's three trillion.

The Enver Nuggets: The Lakers scored 122 points on 50 percent shooting. Kobe went off for 49 points and 10 assists. And the Nuggets' defense -- which relies on ramble-scramble action and forced turnovers -- took the ball away from L.A. only 11 times. I said this over and over and over during the regular season: Enver uses a gimmick defense that cannot work consistently against disciplined teams. Which the Lakers (and most other playoff teams) are. And yet all sorts of people wanted to argue with me because they Nuggets ranked in the top ten in defensive efficiency. So...where are all those people now? Hello? Anybody out there? And for the record: According to Hollinger's latest stats, the Nuggets rank next to last in defensive efficiency during the playoffs (ahead of only Dallas). That sound you just heard was checkmate.

Kenyon Martin: This is what I wrote in my NBA Closer column today: "Assume that you're on a team that barely squeaked into the playoffs. Further assume that your team is perhaps hopelessly overmatched no matter what you do. Now assume you're facing off against the opposing team's best player, and that player is Kobe Bryant. Do you a) Pull a Shane Battier and work your butt off on D while quietly hoping for the best, b) Clothesline his arrogant ass, or c) Talk some smackity-smack to get him mad? Of course, the right answer is a, the righter answer is b, and the idiot's answer is c. Guess which one Kenyon Martin chose?" In other news, Kobe scored 49 points and the Lakers routed the Nuggets. But speaking of Kobe...

Kobe Byrant: Warning!! Kobe lovers should turn back now, or skip ahead to the next entry. If you are a Kobe lover and can't help but read the following criticisms, then please answer the embedded questions before going off on your own diatribe.

Leave it to the Mamba to use a brilliant game as an excuse to exude arrogance and classlessness...again. This was Game 2 of a first-round series. I repeat: Game 2 of a first-round series. Great players on great teams don't freak out about playing well in the first round, particularly in non-deciding games. I mean, other than Michael's crazy jumping-in-the-air celebration after hitting The Shot over Craig Ehlo in Game 5 of Chicago's first-round series against the Cavaliers, can you ever remember Jordan getting all smug about crushing some hapless eighth seed? And even in that example, Michael was at that time a five-year pro who had only ever won a single playoff series. Kobe's a 12-year veteran who's been on three title teams.

Yet there was Kobe, doing his fist pumps, flexing his biceps Hulk Hogan-style, blowing smoke off his fingers like he was poppin' caps, and screaming in primal rage. He also popped his jersey about 40 times after a made shot. Seriously. Watch the video. I know he's excited and everything, but is all that crowing really necessary? Does a (potential) MVP need to act that way? I mean, has any other NBA legend -- Bird, Chamberlain, Hakeem, Jordan, Kareem, Magic, Malone, Oscar, Robinson, Russell, Stockton, West -- ever rubbed a spectacular performance in his opponents' noses this much during an early game of a first round series? That's the exclusive province of guys like Chuck Person. You kind of don't expect that crap from an MVP candidate. Well, unless that candidate is Kobe.

(And for the record, I predicted this would happen.)

Update! Doc posted the following comment to this post: "Those are fair criticisms of Kobe. But why not weigh in against Garnett as well? He spent the fourth quarter pulling the same moves (screaming into the air, raising his arms to the crowd, shaking his head threateningly) against a sub-.500 playoff opponent that the Celtics were beating by 20. This is after Garnett had been shooting around 36% from the field. Kobe at least turned in a dominating all-around performance against a 50-win team, who were within 5 at one point of the fourth quarter. Can't argue with you that he has a real hard time exhibiting class, but those standards should be applied across the board, especially when the other guy in question is your MVP choice."

Those are good points, Doc. I'm slightly abashed to admit that I stepped away from the fourth quarter of that game to do a few things...so I didn't see KG's antics. For the record, I wouldn't have appreciated them. There is one caveat, though, which is tha Garnett has acted that way for most of his career: Winning, losing, up 20, down 20, in big games, in meaningless games. It's part of that whole intense "wildman" persona he uses to amp up his game. It just seems more like a natural behavior -- like a tea kettle letting off steam or a dog humping your leg -- than what Kobe did. You get the feeling that KG can't contain his freakosity; when Kobe does it, he's clearly trying to show his opponents up.

Update! George Karl: Once again, my oversights are corrected by a reader. Rob Mahoney from Upside and Motor had this to say: "Wait, you put Kenyon Martin and the Nugs on Worst of the Night, but no mention of George Karl? No love for the mastermind who decided Martin and Edward Najera were good covers for Kobe? I honestly think his Karlness would be offended that you wouldn't feature him in a post about the worst of the NBA." Far be it from me to offend somebody who took the "D" out of Enver.

Steven Hunter and Ira Newble: One of the hidden subplots of the Nuggets-Lakers series is the duel between lousy roleplayers. Hunter and Newble each had a one trillion last night.

Reggie Miller: Rob S. let us know that Reggie continues to give color commentary lessons in the Knave's English: "I'm just watching the Lakers-Nuggets game and there's about 4 minutes left in the third and Reggie Miller just said, 'Kobe garnishes a lot of attention,' like Kobe is a sprig of cilantro or something. One might suspect he meant to say Kobe GARNERS a lot of attention, but at this point I really don't think Reggie even knows what he means to say. Awful." As a long-time Pacers fan, I officially have no comment. (Although my unofficial comment is, "Gak.") Update! Another Miller-related tidbit from Austen: "How about an extra 'Worst of the Night' bit for Reggie Miller for that idiotic bit during the Nuggets-Lakers game regarding the Celtics/Lakers Finals Matchups. He went through three minutes worth of stats only to have his final point be 'so as you can see, having that #1 Seed is a real plus!' No s***, Sherlock!"

Update! ESPN, TNT, NBA TV, and ABC: More from Austen: "Another Worst of the Night should go to ESPN/TNT/NBA TV/ABC for completely ignoring the Jazz/Rockets series once the Jazz won that first game. Ever since then (and I noticed this last night), whenever the commentators would remind everyone of the games coming up the next couple of days, the next in the Jazz/Rockets series would be conveniently left out. The commentators wouldn't mention it, and there wouldn't be a line of text about it on the screen, either. I know the Jazz have this series sewn up and the league despises the Jazz in general for being a small market team knocking out big market teams, but this series still has 2 games left! I wonder if this is as insulting to Rockets fans as it is to this Jazz fan."

Labels: Andre Iguodala, Andre Miller, Denver Nuggets, Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, Kenyon Martin, Kobe Bryant, Mike Bibby, Philadelphia 76ers, Reggie Miller, Tony Allen

Roger Mason is six feet, five inches tall and weighs in at around 200 pounds. He is by no means an imposing figure. But he must have been bitten by a radioctive spider as a kid, because just look what he did to LeBron during the first quarter of Game 2 of the Wizards-Cavaliers series.


Unless my eyes are deceiving me -- which would certainly explain the weirdos I ran into on my way to lunch -- Mason is brushing the mighty King James aside like a shoulder full of flaky dandruff. That's pretty impressive. Now I know Wizards coach Eddie Jordan has denied that his team is trying to lay the wood on LeBron, but we all know better. So Eddie, if you're going to rough up somebody who rumbles downcourt like a runaway choo-choo train, you might as well use the one player on your team who apparently has superhuman strength. Just a suggestion.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Lebron James, Roger Mason, superhuman strength, Washington Wizards

Michael Flatley better watch himself. It looks like NBA referee Bob Delaney is after his job. Although the effect is diminished somehwhat by the absence of tights and the manly expanse of pecs. Also, is just me, or is Jameer Nelson telling him the exact same thing?

Labels: Jameer Nelson, Michael Flatley, referees, River Dance

Avery Johnson: His Mavs got treated like a pair of large, dangling testicles at a nutshot convention by Chris Paul in Game 1. Since the Little General likes his nuts the way they are, he opted to double-down on Paul at every possible opportunity. And it sounded like a good idea at the time...until CP3 disregarded the double-teams and rained fire on all those who dared oppose him. Paul finished with 32 points (10-for-16), 5 rebounds, 17 assists and 3 steals, thus becoming (I think) the first person in NBA history to record at least 30 points and 10 assists in his first two career playoff games. More importantly though, the Hornets delivered a 127-103 colon-blasting to the Mavericks.

The Dallas defense: I doubt it was all Avery's fault that his team couldn't have stopped a corpse (or even Greg Ostertag) from scoring the basketball. New Orleans shot 60 percent from the field, almost 56 from beyond the arc, and they had 30 assists while committing only 6 turnovers.

Jason Kidd: He was supposed to be The Difference, the final piece of Mark Cuban's championship jigsaw puzzle. Now he's being spit-roasted and eaten alive by Chris Paul. Unless something radically changes, this is going to be a series-long ego-ectomy for J-Kidd.

Dirk Nowitzki: What's wrong with this guy? Remember his tempter tantrum after Game 5 of the NBA Finals, when he couldn't even bully a helpless stationary bicycle? Well, last night we got more of the same, with Dirk grumping all over the court and screaming into thin air a couple times. Look, if my team consistently let me down and failed to live up to expectations, I'd be pissed too. But MVPs do not -- cannot -- act like that. That sort of behavior does not evoke confidence from your teammates. Which sort of explains why Jason Terry never seems to totally trust Nowitzki down the stretch...


Random Dallas players: The suck bong was being passed around liberally by the Mavericks last night, wasn't it? Kidd shot 3-for-10. Ditto for Josh Howard. Jerry Stackhouse was 4-for-10. Malik Allen played 11 minutes and contributed 4 fouls and 1 missed shot. Eddie Jones played 10 minutes, scored 3 points on 1-for-3 shooting and committed a couple fouls. Antoine Wright got 7 minutes of PT and had 1 rebound and 2 turnovers. Then there was Juwan Howard, who got into the game for 3 minutes to miss 1 shot, bone 3 freethrows, commit one foul, and finish with 1 point.

Mike James: Two seasons ago, he was scoring 20 PPG for the Toronto Raptors. Now he can't even get off the Hornets' bench in an obvious blowout. Oh how the "mighty" have fallen.

Toronto's starters (except Chris Bosh): No wonder Bosh doesn't trust his teammates. Anthony Parker scored zero points (0-for-4) in 38 minutes. T.J. Ford shot 1-for-8 and had 4 turnovers in 24 minutes. Rasho Nesterovic -- who's been on fire lately -- played only 5 minutes. (I guess the alien overlords returned the real Rasho.) Andrea Bargnani scored 9 points (4-for-9), grabbed 1 rebound and committed 4 fouls.

Jamario Moon: He finally looks like a rookie again: 3 points (1-for-7), 5 rebounds.

Sam Mitchell and/or Chris Bosh: The Raptors actually had a chance to steal this game, which ended with a 19-foot desperation jumper by Chris Bosh. That's the best play Sam could draw up? Seriously? Of course, it might have been Bosh going rogue. Bosh had been pretty clearly fouled on his previous drive to the basket but got no whistle, and after the game he indicated that was why he chose to fire it up from outside. "The time before I drove the basket and I didn't get a call. I didn't want to put it in the referee's hands. I wanted to get a clean look -- I felt like I did a decent job. I got a decent look and just missed the shot." Good choice. [/dripping sarcasm]

Hedo Turkoglu: Now, now, Hedo. Don't give us the Duncan face. We all saw that little push you gave Bosh after the foul. You're not fooling anybody. [From Odenized.]


Grant Hill: Well, we all knew it was too good to be true. Hill made it through the season only to fall victim to a nagging groin injury. And so the story goes. Hill played last night, but you could hardly tell it: 19 minutes, zero points (0-for-1), 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 1 foul. This man was absolutely critical to the Suns' playoff hopes...and he's clearly moving at half speed. That's bad news for Phoenix.

Leandro Barbosa: He's supposed to be the X-factor, right? The Brazillian Blur...speed and scoring off the bench...running the offense when Steve Nash needs a rest. Epic fail. Last night's line: zero points, 0-for-7 from the field, 4 rebounds, and 3 assists in 23 minutes.

Mike D'Antoni: I have lost all faith in him. I honestly don't know what else to say.

Tony Parker: Man, I hate Tony Parker. I can't even pretend to be objective about the tiny Frenchman. He is such a huge, flapping vagina. I'm sorry; that's an insult to huge, flapping vaginas everywhere. Remember in last year's playoffs how Parker's head destroyed Steve Nash's nose? Yet Nash barely flinched while Tony flopped to the court and writhed around like he'd just been shot in the head.

Now watch him do the exact same thing after running into Shaq last night. Same fetal position, same agonized clutching of his head. For God's sake, Tony, grow a pair, okay? Your wife already told us about your fake flopping tactics. And speaking of Mrs. Longoria, Tony had a special but impossible for anybody else to understand message for his wife last night. It's official: He has become Doug Christie.


Epilogue: Despite the fact that he crumpled like a wet paper bag the split second he hit Shaq, Parker turned all tough guy after the game. "He was trying to play physical. But that's not going to stop me." Oooooo...scary.

NBA.com: First off, congratulations to Kevin Garnett for being named Defensive Player of the Year. It was well-deserved. But would you like to know the real secret to Boston's defensive magic? According to NBA.com's official DPoY announcement, Shane Battier is a secret Celtic. I was as shocked as you are. (Thanks to Basketbawful readers Charles and Arjun, who were all over this.)


Don C. Kalant Senior: [Frivolous Lawsuit Alert!!] This "prominent" dentist from Naperville, Illinois is suing the Chicago Bulls mascot, Benny the Bull. Apparently, Benny gave Kalant a crippling high-five during a February 12th Bulls game that hyperextended Kalants drilling arm. As a result, Kalant has been unable to work since the incident. And he apparently won't be able to spot-check for cavities again until sometime in May. Not to belittle a man's brave fight against the injustice of fate, but if you're so incredibly fragile that a high-five from a man dressed in a furry bull costume can take you out for five months, then you have no one to blame but yourself. What are you doing at a Bulls game? Or even leaving the house, for that matter? I suggest that you cover yourself in a few thousand layers of bubble wrap, fill your home with packing peanuts and lost of nice, soft pillows, and never go outside again.

Labels: Avery Johnson, Chris Bosh, Dallas Mavericks, frivolous lawsuits, Grant Hill, Jason Kidd, Leandro Barbosa, Phoenix Suns, Sam Mitchell, San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker, Toronto Raptors

Basketbawful reader Jesse provided a nice little follow-up to the Duncan face post. The following video proves that the Duncan face is, in fact, a contagious disease...and all the Spurs have it. Hmm. It might be time to quarantine the greater San Antonio area before this thing spreads.


And just to prove I'm a good sport -- and an equal-opportunity cynic -- here are a few Duncan face copycats:

1. The "Gah! A giant spider is eating Shaq!" face. Because that foul was pretty freaking blatant, and now I have to watch a mutant insect crush Shaq in its enormous mandibles. [Also from Jesse.]


2. The "Don't you know who I am?!" face. Because I'm LeBron James, bitch! [From Shrugz.]


3. The "Du verdammter Arschficker! Ich bin ein Berliner!" face. Because I really am a jelly doughnut, complete with a thin, doughy outside and a thick, gooey inside. [From anne.]


The rest of these are from The Spurs Report:

4. The Sheed face. Because he was doing it long before Duncan was. And that's Guaran-sheed.


5. The "I've grown a second, evil head!" face. Because oh my God, IT'S ALIVE!! (And it looks just like Kevin Garnett. Huh. That's pretty weird.)


6. The "Ray-Ray don't play that!" face. Because he really doesn't play that. Never. Not even once.


7. The "I'm gonna rip the eyes out of your head and piss into your dead skull! You f***ed with the wrong Marine!" face. Because Popovich can be kinda scary.

Labels: Brad Miller, Dirk Nowitzki, fan submissions, funny faces, Gregg Popovich, Kevin Garnett, Lebron James, Rasheed Wallace, Ray Allen, San Antonio Spurs, Steve Nash, Tim Duncan

Duncan face (dunk'-uhn fas) noun. A look of incredulous, googly-eyed mock surprise that is directed at a referee by a player any (and every) time a call does not go that player's way. Note that the Duncan face can be enhanced by raising the hands in an "I didn't do it!" gesture and should be followed up with a steely-eyed glare.

Usage example: On to my frustration: The Spurs are huge babies. This applies to Popovich, Duncan, and seemingly every other player on the court. Duncan has his Duncan Face everytime he doesn't get a call. [By "Isaac," via TrueHoop.]

Word history: It's impossible to pinpoint exactly when this term was invented, but it's been popular for at least the last three or four seasons, during which time the Duncan face has become a parody of itself. I mean, how can the officials possibly take Duncan -- or any player who utilizes the Duncan face -- seriously anymore? If I was an NBA referee, I would make one call or non-call against a player for each time he used the Duncan face. (This could quite possibly be the reason I am not currently employed as a referee.)

Great Duncan faces throughout history: In addition to the standard or "classic" Duncan face shown above, there are several other Duncan faces that can be used when the situation warrants it:

1. The "Dear God, it hurts!" face. Because that foul could have killed me, man!


2. The "Holy crap ref, you cannot be serious!" face. Because, damn it, you totally would have made the right call if you'd seen what I saw.


3. The "I saw that shit was wrong from the bench!" face. Because I saw that shit all the way from over here.


4. The "I'm gonna make a sarcastic face!" face. Because you, Mr. Referee, are an idiot.


5. The "But I'm Tim Duncan's teammate!" face. Because I really am Tim Duncan's teammate! (Starring Manu Ginobili as himself.)


6. The "Get yer filthy hands off me!" face. Because seriously, ET TU, MANU?! [From Basketbawful reader Phenominal Cosmic Power.]


7. The "Why is my life so damned hard?" sad face. Because you all know I didn't do it, so why do you have to make me cry? [From Black Jesus Disciples.]


8. The "Cheaters really do prosper" goofy grin face. Because it feels sooooo good to cheat and win. [From an anonymous Spurs fan.]


Contribute to the cause! If you know of a Duncan face that I forgot and have photographic evidence to prove it, forward the info to me and I'll use it to update this post...with credit to you, of course.

Labels: bad calls, googly eyes, Manu Ginobili, referees, San Antonio Spurs, Tim Duncan, whining, Word of the Day

DeShawn Stevenson: "I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them...." Oops. Sorry. Wrong story. But for the record, I did warn Stevenson. Who in their right mind would want to rile up LeBron James? Would you spit on a cop? Would you kick a rabid dog in the snout? Would you show up on Mother's Day and tell your mom to bake you a pot pie? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then congratulations: You're officially as stupid as the Locksmith.

According to the Wizards' medical staff, it's going to take five to six weeks for Stevenson's eyebrows to grow back after the way LeBron torched him last night: 30 points, 9 rebounds, 12 assists, and 2 blocked shots in the Cavaliers' 116-86 atomic blasting of the Wizards. That 30-point margin represents Cleveland's biggest margin of victory in 112 playoff games. Stevenson played okay -- 12 points (4-for-7), 2 assists -- but King James ate his lunch. The defining moment of this "rivalry" happened last night when Stevenson hit a three to reduce Cleveland's lead to 16 points and blew on his "hot hand." LeBron responded with a three of his own with Stevenson in the poster. Watch for yourself. [From Odenized.]


Gilbert Arenas: Agent Zero! Now...plain zero!! It's not enough that Gil had a bad game -- 7 points, 2-for-10 shooting, 3 turnovers, 4 fouls -- he further humiliated himself by getting an exceptionally stupid technical foul by giving Wally Szczerbiak a needless post-foul shove. I kind of expected better of Arenas. And don't forget that his "I think everybody wants Cleveland in that first round" and "We don't think they can beat us in the playoffs three years straight" comments provided plenty of bullentin board material for last night's beating.

Brendan Haywood: Just when we all thought that the Wizards couldn't possibly light a bigger fire under LeBron, Haywood proved us wrong by getting ejected for shoving James out of bounds to prevent a dunk. As fouls go, it wasn't that hard -- certainly not a "Kevin McHale clotheslines Kurt Rambis" or a Bill Laimbeer special -- but it was the kind of player-in-the-air hit that could have caused LeBron to fall and possibly injure himself. So it was dangerous and stupid. Great work, Brendan. Top notch. Update! Basketbawful reader Tonewise would like to remind everybody about Haywood's summer job.


Oleksiy Pecherov: The Ukrainian Nightmare rounded out Washington's night of woe by putting up a three trillion. Seems fitting.

Tracy McGrady: It's not that T-Mac didn't play well -- 23 points, 13 rebounds, 9 assists, 3 steals, and 2 blocked shots -- it's that he pulled off yet another of his infamous four quarter disappearing acts, scoring only 1 point on 0-for-4 shooting. McGrady is now 0-for-7 in the fourth quarter in this series. It's deja vu all over again. It's deja vu all over again. It's...oh, you get it.

After the game, McGrady explained that it was exhaustion, and not clutchshotitis, that caused his latest fourth quarter collapse. "I had no legs. I was on empty. Banging with Matt Harpring, trying to rebound, trying to make plays for my team, trying to score, playing 43 minutes. That's a lot."

That's true. It was a lot. And I watched the game: T-Mac really was tired. But his post-game analysis felt like just another McGrady excuse. I did everything I could, but my team couldn't win. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think great players make those kind of excuses. I remember after a bone-tired Larry Bird played almost every minute of the 1985 NBA Finals, somebody asked him why the Celtics lost. His reply? "We wanted to win. [The Lakers] just played better." He could have blamed exhaustion, or the fact that he had a chronic elbow injury (he did), or explained that he injured his shooting hand in a bar fight during the Eastern Conference Finals (it's true). But Bird wasn't an excuse maker. Neither was Magic. Or Jordan (during his pre-Washington days, anyway).

McGrady really is on the same level of Kobe and LeBron...through three quarters. But he is and seemingly will always be 12 minutes away from true greatness.

Doug Collins and (I think) Kevin Harlan: I don't know if it was a studio edict or they just feel sorry for the guy, but Collins and Harlan spent most of the first three quarters making excuses for McGrady's inevitable failure. They repeatedly said that McGrady was having a great game -- which he did, until the fourth quarter -- and stated unequivocally that a Rockets' loss would not be T-Mac's fault. It's like they knew what was going to happen so they needed to start the excuse-making early. Well, at any rate, it's nice to know that McGrady is the one superstar who can't be faulted for his team's losses. According to these guys, anyway.

Update! Magic Johnson: From JustinS: "Magic must have received the memo, too, because he couldn't shut the hell up about McGrady during the half-time and post-game shows. I loved Magic as a player, but he's one of the worst commentators ever. He's in the Reggie Miller/Jon Barry League of Bad." Thanks, Justin. I had meant to include Magic the first time around. And speaking of Reggie Miller...

Update! Reggie Miller: Reg continues to mangle the English language during live broadcasts, to regularly amusing effect. Nothing so far has been any more hilarious than what he said last night, as pointed out by Ronald Mexico Sr. in my NBA Closer column today: "Did anyone else hear Reggie Miller proclaim that LeBron James was 'coming at the basket with a full steam of head!' in the first half of the game last night? Honestly the best line of any announcer ever. Period. Even Emmitt Smith giggled after that one."

Luther Head: Poor Luther. While his former U of I teammate Deron Williams was kicking the Rockets' collective butt -- despite a sore butt of his own -- Head was having a not-so-good game: zero points, 0-for-4, 1 rebound, and a bunch of Cheerios in almost 12 minutes of lack-tion. I bet he really misses college.

Andre Kirilenko's offense: The Russian Rifle's barrel got jammed last night; he scored only 3 points on 1-for-8 shooting. But he played some pretty mean D on McGrady, especially in the third and fourth quarters. And I just love it when the broadcasters talk about how long he is.

Update! Bad officiating: I've gotten several emails and comments about the offensive foul that got called on Luis Scola near the end of the Jazz-Rockets game. And yeah: It was bad. Real bad. Extra shame on Andre Kirilenko and his phony flop. As dunpizzle said: "The Stern Button made its playoff debut in Houston. Kirilenko showing us what happens after a Ric Flair chop sealed the deal for Utah and discredited a huge game-tying three from Bobby Jackson." Actually, I don't think it was The Stern Button, because the league would have benefitted from Houston winning. More games = Bigger television revenues. But it sure was one lousy piece of shit officiating. You can see it at the 1:15 mark.


This is what a bitter T-Mac had to say after the game: "You can’t call that. I like (referee) Tony Brothers, but that was a bad call. Very, very bad call. Three points down, crucial point in the game and Kirilenko flops. He flops and you call a foul on that? It was a bad call." You're not wrong, Tracy.

Also, from quick at Deadspin: "In T-Mac's defense, the refs gave Utah that game. AK-47 looked like an extra in a Jet Li movie, the way he flew when Scola brushed him with a hand. It was absurd. Somebody needs to take that guy out back and shoot him with his own gun."

Labels: Andre Kirilenko, Brendan Haywood, DeShawn Stevenson, Doug Collins, Gilbert Arenas, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

I'm going to turn the microphone over to Wild Yams on this one: "A clear contender for a man love entry, Tyson Chandler with his face buried in Dirk Nowitzki's armpit. Dick Bavetta approves." He does indeed. (Although he may be the only one. I hope.)


Here's another look. Why is Tyson so damned interested in Dirk's sweaty pit? Could it be the Axe effect?! [shudders]


Note: Yes, it's true. Dirk manscapes.

Labels: arm pits, deodorant, Dirk Nowitzki, man love, Tyson Chandler

DeShawn Stevenson: The Locksmith held "Mr. Overrated" to 32 points on 12-for-19 shooting...and most of those 12 makes were layups. Stevenson countered by shooting 1-for-9 and scoring only 3 points. Memo to DeShawn: Next time, wait until the series is safely over -- and your team has won -- before talking smack to LeBron. Actually, scratch that. It's probably best not to rile him up at all. For any reason. Ever.

The Washington bench: Okay, Agent Zero scored 24 points on 8-for-16 shooting, and he even connected on four of his five three-point attempts. But I think we can all agree that he won't be coming off the bench much longer, right? The rest of the Wizards' reserves - Andray Blatche, Darius Songaila, and Roger Mason - combined for 3 points (1-for-10), 7 rebounds, 1 assist, and 7 fouls in about 40 minutes of lack-tion.

Wally Szczerbiak: If Mike Brown thought that inserting Wally into the starting lineup was going to get him going, then Brown was wrong. Very wrong. Galactically wrong. Sczczerbiak shot 2-for-10 from the field and 1-for-6 from beyond the arc. He scored 8 points to go along with 2 rebounds, 2 assists, and 3 fouls in 29 minutes. Say, is it too late to get Larry Hughes back?

Irrational excitement: Over the weekend, BadDave was sure that some announcer had an on-the-air joygasm after some big play, but he couldn't remember which one it was. This morning, he remembered: "It was when LeBron had a nice dunk. The announcer cried out his name like he had just gotten the facial. It was a nice dunk and all, but we've all seen better. 'LeBrooooon!' Splat." Listen for yourself.


Tim Duncan: What sort of unholy pact did Duncan forge with The Dark Lord to hit the three-pointer that sent Game 1 of the Suns-Spurs series into overtime? Because I think his soul wouldn't be worth nearly enough to pull that one off. I'm guessing several children, a couple virgins, and at least one goat had to be involved. Shame on you, Tim! That goat had a future!

You have to feel for the Phoenix Suns. That was the exact shot they wanted the Spurs to take in that situation. I mean, Duncan hadn't hit a three-pointer all season. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to me in pickup ball. I'll be playing against some dude with no offensive skills whatsover, and I'll leave him open one time from way outside his range...and he'll hit it. It's almost like the Basketball Gods are punishing me for slacking on D. And they certainly punished the Suns.

You know, a similar thing happened in Game 2 of the 1988 Eastern Conference Finals. The Boston Celtics were down by three at the end of the first overtime. They botched a play that was intended for Larry Bird, and the ball got batted to Kevin McHale, who shot and hit his only three of the season. The Celtics prevailed in the second overtime, but the Pistons left Boston Garden utterly convinced of their superiority. And they did, in fact, go on to win the series. It'll be interesting to see if that happens with the Suns.

Update! As Caseta points out: "Regarding timmy's 3 pointer, I have to ask: Wasn’t it a traveling violation?! I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...." Well, technically speaking? Probably, yes. He shuffled his feet. But that'll never be called, ever. On a related note, I was watching a special about Michael Jordan's greatest moves this weekend, and I couldn't help but notice that when he used to juke his defenders, he almost always switched or shuffled his pivot foot...or in some cases, pivot "feet." But the announcers always missed this and would simply scream something like "What a move by Michael Jordan!" You know, it's a lot easier to flabbergast a defender when you get to travel on a whim. Like Caseta, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Bruce Bowen: His line from Saturday's game: 21 minutes, zero points, 0-for-2, 1 rebound, 2 turnovers, 1 steal, and 2 personal fouls. And he didn't exactly stop Steven Nash (25 points, 13 assists). He's going to have to thug somebody pretty soon if he wants to stay relevant.

ESPN box scores: Sky Flakes continues to keep an eyes on the box scores, and ESPN keeps rewarding him with strange things. Such as the fact that the Suns-Spurs game was 11-6 at the start of the first quarter...


Dirk Nowitzki: I think a man should be legally required to turn over his testicles to some sort of government testicle collector if he flops as obviously and pathetically as Nowitzki did here. Dirk is no hombre, that's for sure.


Jason Kidd: At one point in Saturday's game, he slapped the ball away from Chris Paul and then got this smug little look on his face. He didn't look quote so smug after Paul lit him up for 35 points (15-for-23) and 10 assists, though.

NBA.com: Looks like they got a little confused while updating their brackets. The Hornets play in New Orleans now, guys. New Orleans, not Charlotte. The gaffe was fixed, but not before Basketbawful reader Frank sent me the following screen shot:


Houston Rockets: It's not that they weren't trying, it just that they got thoroughly outplayed by the Jazz. Houston shot 36 percent to Utah's 52 percent. Now the Rockets have to win one at Energy Solutions Arena, where the Jazz are an NBA-best 37-4. I hope the Houston training staff is stocking plenty of Kleenex for T-Mac. I'd hate for him to have to cry into his jersey.

By the way, this is when the Rockets are going to miss Bonzi Wells the most. They couldn't get anything going against the Jazz, and they really could have used a low-post presence.

T.J. Ford and Jose Calderon: They did a good job of setting the table for their teammates -- 14 assists and zero turnovers between the two of them -- but they couldn't dropkick it into the ocean (4-for-20 combined), and the Maurice Evans/Jameer Nelson combo lit them up for 38 points on 12-for-20 shooting.

Kris Humphries: The Toronto forward has the dubious distinction of scoring the first one trillion of the 2008 NBA Playoffs. Somebody buy him an exploding cigar.

Derek Fisher: "Coach Jackson said we need to slow Carmelo Anthony down. I'm on it." [From Odenized.]


Marcus Camby: Pau Gasol decimated the Nuggets with a playoff career-high 36 points. He also had a playoff career-high 8 assists and 16 rebounds. He even blocked 3 shots. Did I mention that he was being guarded by the 2006-07 Defensive Player of the Year? Meanwhile, Camby scored 4 points on 2-for-9 shooting and turned the ball over 4 times.

Lakers fans: From FireGeorgeKarl.com via TrueHoop: "Whenever Carmelo stepped to the free throw line at Staples Center, the fans chanted 'D-U-I, D-U-I.' Ha, ha, very clever, Lakers fans. Well I hope we Nuggets fans greet Lakers' star Kobe Bryant with a similar chant about his past infractions with the law when he arrives at Pepsi Center on Saturday. How about 'SETTLE-MENT, SETTLE-MENT?' I'm open to any ideas you've got." Way to stay classy, Lakers fans. That one will be enshrined in the Hall of Infamous Sports Chants, right along with that time Celtics fans aimed a "Wife beater!" chant at Jason Kidd a few years back.

Detroit Pistons: When are they going to start taking lesser teams seriously? Memo to Detroit: Your opponents aren't going to just roll over and die because they're facing The Mighty Pistons. You're going to have to actually play the games. And 39 percent shooting at home? That's probably not going to get it done. I suggest less time joking around with Flip Murray and more time focusing on the Sixers.

Rodney Carney: He trumped Kris Humphries by notching a three trillion against the Pistons. It's good to see guys step down their games.

Joe Johnson, quote machine: The Boston Celtics had a pretty easy time of it against the Hawks in Game 1 of their first round series, and the only person who seemed surprised by it was Joe Cool. "I didn't expect it to be like this, but I'm glad we got it out of the way," he said. His teammates, now have "the playoff experience and they pretty much know how it's going to be. Game 2 I expect pretty much a different reaction." I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you, Joe. Unless you're just tired of the whole "living" thing.

Update! Mike Bibby (Hawks) and Bobby Jackson (Rockets): This is from an anonymous poster: "Where is Mike Bibby(2-for-10, 5 points, 1 assist) and Bobby Jackson(3-for-15, 7 points)!? I don't think these guys were brought in mid-season to produce those numbers." You're absolutely right. I should have included them both. My bad.

Labels: DeShawn Stevenson, Detroit Pistons, Dirk Nowitzki, Houston Rockets, Joe Johnson, NBA playoffs, Tim Duncan, Wally Szczerbiak, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

Playoffs, baby! They start today. Go do your last minute prep work by reading the Western Conference playoff previews I wrote for Deadspin. They're better than sex. Trust me.

Denver Versus Los Angeles: The Nuggets Are Gonna Get Shelled Series

Dallas Versus New Orleans: The Mark Cuban Finally Has A Coronary Series

Utah Versus Houston: The "Which Shoe Is Gonna Drop?" Series

Phoenix Versus San Antonio: The Rivalry Renewed Series

Labels: NBA playoffs, playoff predictions

beersomnia (bir-sahm'-ne-uh) noun. A tendency to wake up early and the corresponding inability to go back to sleep -- despite near-to-complete exhaustion -- after a night of heavy drinking. (With an emphasis on the "heavy" part.)

Usage example: Hungover so badly you might still be drunk? Is it 6 a.m. but you feel more wide awake than you've ever been? That's beersomnia, my friend.

Word history: The term was coined on Sunday morning, March 30, 2008. The previous night, Statbuster, Evil Ted, BadDave and I had attended a rather ugly (but ultimately satisfying) Bucks/Bulls game at the United Center. Naturally, the game had been preceded by a trip to the Billy Goat Tavern and was followed by a trip to a great little pub called Timothy O'Toole's (which, I am not kidding, had an amazing and perhaps unheard of 3:1 female-to-male ratio). Oh, we drank at the game, too.

The evening ended in the following manner: We closed out O'Toole's and then headed over to an all-night Dunkin' Donuts for some "nourishment," but not before I had wrapped the most recent issue of the Redeye around my head and announced to everyone within screaming distance that I was, in fact, David Schwimmer from Friends (Schwimmer's giant face was on the cover of the paper). Have you ever tried to convince a doughnut shop employee to give you free food at four in the morning while steadfastly maintaining that you're actually the famous person emblazoned on the newspaper that you have awkwardly crafted into a crude mask? Ha, ha...who am I kidding? Of course you have.

We had wisely rented a room at a Red Roof Inn not far from O'Tooles. (We had taken my car there, and let me tell you: There's nothing more disturbing than handing over your keys to a valet who is both deaf and mute. Unless he's also blind, I guess.) We returned to the room with our doughnuts and whatever bizarre thing I'd bought (a panini...I think?) and proceeded to watch Girls Gone Wild informercials until we mercifully fell asleep. I slept slouched down in a desk chair but was comforted by the fact that I'd Bogarted the blanket off of BadDave's bed, thus ensuring that he would freeze his balls off in that cold-ass room (none of us had the necessary wisdom or basic motor skills necessary to turn the heat on).

We all woke up simultaneously about two hours later.

The upside of the early morning was watching The Marine, starring John Cena (best known as John Cena of the WWE) and Robert Patrick (best known as the evil Terminator from T2). The Marine was, without question, the best worst movie I have ever seen in my life. Cena was trying so hard to become The Next Great Action Hero that it must have been causing him physical pain. Not that the character he played, John Triton, felt any pain. Ever. Every place Triton was at in the movie eventually blew the hell up: Gas stations, restaurants, riverside marinas. I'm not kidding. In fact, the only place that didn't blow up was the shack owned by the hillbillies who kidnapped him while he was chasing after the jewel thieves who had taken his wife hostage and were trying to escape on foot through a swamp after Triton had destroyed their SUV with his bare hands. And I'm not making any of that up.

Some random highlights from The Marine:

In one scene, Triton had stolen a cop car and was following the jewel thieves' SUV. He was driving directly behind them, and no fewer than four of the thieves opened fire on him with machine guns at point blank range. They turned the car into swiss cheese -- seriously, all that was left by the end was the frame and an engine -- yet not one bullet touched Triton. He didn't even get the official "Gunshot Wound To The Shoulder." But eventually his car ramped up over the SUV and randomly blew up while in the air. Unbelievably, Triton lived, but his miraculous survival went unexplained.

In another scene, one of the jewel thieves went into a long soliloquy about how he was sexually abused as a child by his camp counselor. "First, he offered me friendship. Then...he offered me something I never should have accepted." Now, this was the crazy jewel thief who earlier in the movie had killed a cop and blown up a gas station for no reason, and he had also spent most of the movie threatening to kill his cohorts in various violent and disturbing ways. So I guess the writers decided to cram in a little character development to explain why he was so damn looney before he died.

In the very next scene, the crazy child-molested jewel thief goes into the basement-ish area of the restaurant they've taken over in order to start the generator (because, of course, the thieves want to listen to the juke box while they hide out). There were several places to hide in this basement, and we were expecting Triton to jump out from behind a barrel or something. Imagine our surprise when he burst through a freaking wall and broke the thief's neck. Why sneak around when the laws of physics don't apply to you?

Okay, I'll stop boring you after this last part. After a lengthy battle in which Triton kills most of the jewel thieves with his bare hands, the head thief (Patrick) and his girlfriend manage to escape with Triton's wife. A police officer shows up while Triton is surrounded by several dead and horribly mutilated bodies. When the cop tries to arrest Triton -- as any sane cop would -- Triton says, "You don't understand. My name's John Triton. I'm a marine. They've got my wife." Interestingly enough, this explanation wasn't good enough even in a crappy movie like The Marine, so the cop tries to cuff him anyway. But of course Triton knocks the cop out, steals his boat (yes he arrived in a boat), and leaves him helpless and alone in the middle of a swamp in which, about three scenes prior, alligators had rushed out of the water and eaten a guy in about five seconds flat. That cop was never seen nor heard from again. But I'm sure he was fine.

Triton then used the cop's boat to follow the remaining jewel thieves who were driving a truck on a highway. You read that correctly. It was a car chase involving a boat. Fortunately for Triton, the thieves -- for reasons unknown -- decided to take a victory lap around the previously mentioned riverside marina, which allowed Triton to leap from his boat onto their truck and kill them with extreme (and exploding) prejudice.

What's the point of me boring you with this story? I'll tell you: The next time you have a night of heavy drinking planned, realize beforehand that you won't be sleeping in and rent The Marine. It'll give you something to do while you're suffering through your beersomnia.

Labels: bad movies, beer, hangovers

That's right: We're talking about playoffs! Here's where I predict what's going to happen in the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs with such infallible and unerring accuracy that you don't even need to watch.

Atlanta versus Boston: The Execution Series

Philadelphia versus Detroit: The Feel Good Killer Series

Toronto versus Orlando: The "Now Here's A Series" Series

Washington versus Cleveland: The "LeBron Gets Knocked Out In The First Round?!" Series

The Western Conference previews will be out later today.

Quick pimping: Many of you have commented on our nifty new banner, and if you read the playoff previews, you'll notice the totally sweet graphics. They were created by Basketbawful reader Stephen, who recently started a blog called Stephen's Designs. The dude rocks. Go check out his site. He does custom designs.

Labels: Eastern Conference, Jim Mora, NBA playoffs, playoff predictions

"Detroit " versus "Cleveland": I know it's the end of the season and the games are meaningless and the coaches need to rest their starters. But Arron Afflalo versus Wally Sczcerbiak was not what the schedule makers had in mind when they arranged for these two teams to meet on the last night of the regular season. Not only were fans forced to watch the scrubs duke it out, they were treated to a total brickfest, with the "Pistons" shooting 38 percent and the "Cavaliers" scoring only 74 points on 32 percent shooting.

Damon Jones: The self-proclaimed "best shooter in the world" shot 1-for-12, and 0-for-4 from three-point range. It's like a stat curse that will never end...

"Washington" versus "Orlando": See above. (I always wanted to watch Marcin Gortat score a career-high 12 points!!)

Adonal Foyle: From Steven: "In the Wizards-Magic game today, Adonal Foyle, in 8 minutes of play, recorded just 1 shot (which was blocked) and 1 rebound. Surely 1 rebound and a shot which was blocked in 8 minutes is worse than a one or two trillion. I mean this guy is a center and thats all he can do?" Add in the fact that he was playing in garbage time? Yeah. Definitely worse than a one or two trillion.

New Orleans Hornets: They actually tried to win their game last night - Byron Scott chose not to rest his starters - and yet they lost to Dallas anyway. What's worse, the loss ensured that the'd be facing the Mavericks in the playoffs.

Chris Paul: He was already a longshot to win the MVP, but the loss coupled with an ass-whoopin' from Jason Kidd (27 points, 10 rebounds, 10 assists) cost him whatever little chance he had left. Not to mention it probably gave additional ammunition to the "Anti-Chris Paul For MVP" movement.

Dirk Nowitzki, quote machine: This is what Herr Diggler had to say after the game: "This was definitely a win we wanted to get. The Lakers are probably the hottest team in the West. We definitely didn't want to face them in the first round...(New Orleans) had a great year, but I think we match up pretty well." Good job, Dirk! You managed to demean your first round opponent and show abject fear of a possible future playoff opponent all in the same sentence. And that's what we call insult efficiency.

Isiah Thomas: His last game was a loss that ensured his Knicks would match the worst record in franchise history, which just so happend to occur a few years ago under his watch (although he was "only" the GM; Larry Brown was coaching the team). He also got booed in Indiana, where he once coached and was a college basketball hero at Indiana University. Oh, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. matched his career-high of 36 points for the third time against the Knicks this season. Now that, my friends, is ignominy.

Jamal Crawford, quote machine: Mr. Shoots-a-lot had this to say when asked about Isiah's future with the team. "Everybody here likes coach Thomas a lot. He brought everybody here personally, so there’s a certain loyalty to him and I always put in perspective with Doc Rivers. Last year, they (Boston) won 15, 16 games (actually 24) and everybody wanted him fired. This year, he's up for coach of the year. It helps to get Kevin Garnett no question, but Doc’s done a good job managing down there, so hopefully we can have the same effect here." He cannot be serious. Can he...?

Maurice Cheeks: I understand the need to get your starters some rest, and I also understand the fear of somebody getting hurt. But still, Philly needed a win last night for their confidence. The fact of the matter is, they've been slumping. They know it, the Pistons know it, everybody knows it. But now instead of finishing the season 41-41, they ended it two games under .500 and probably wondering what the hell they're going to do against Detroit. Let me put it this way: I can't remember too many teams who ended the regular season on a four-game losing streak making much noise in the playoffs. Can you?

New Jersey Nets: Beaten by the Celtics bench (their supposed Achille's heel going into this season). Destroyed by Leon Powe (27 points, 11 rebounds). I can't imagine any better way for the Nets to end their miserable season.

Maurice Ager: Ego-ectomy! During the second quarter, Maurice had his junk stuffed by Tony Allen. But it wasn't just a blocked shot; Allen stopped the ball and ripped it away from Ager one-handed.

Atlanta Hawks: I'll let Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm take this one. "Oh, the Hawks lost to Miami. Huh. Let me check the box score. They must have rested the starte...HOW IN THE HOLY BALLS OF CHRIST DO YOU PLAY YOUR STARTERS MORE THAN 30 MINUTES AND NOT BEAT THE HEAT? HOW? Forfeit. Forfeit now, Atlanta. You're about to unleash an embarrassment unlike anything Ben Stiller has ever concocted. Forfeit. Save us all."

Johnny "Red" Kerr: Hooooo, boy! Watching the Bulls may have blown chunks ths season, but Bulls fans always have Johnny to entertain us, and he never let's us down. Never. Ever. [From Odenized.]


Larry Krystkowiak, quote machine: After watching his team finish their 26-56 season with an overtime loss to the Minnesota Timberwolves, Larry said: "It stings. It is a negative exclamation point on a season. It would have been nice to walk out of here with a smile, but such is life." It also would have been nice if your team didn't suck so much. But such is life.

Ramon Sessions: This isn't a worst of the night, unless you count the guys defending him, because "Razor" Ramon had 25 points and 14 assists. This is the same former D-Leaguer who had 20 points and a Bucks franchise record 24 assists against Chicago the other day. Can anyone stop him?!

Corey Brewer: Watch Corey blow his second dunk of the game, then grab the offensive rebound and miss a layup. Another ego-ectomy.


Loren Woods: Thanks, Loren. I didn't think anybody would get a one trillion last night.

Chris Marlowe: The Nuggets broadcaster not only got a case of the hiccups during the game, he nicknamed J.R. Smith "The Headbandless Horseman." Don't worry if you don't get it. I don't either. [From Odenized.]

Kwame Brown: According to Yahoo!, Kwame had a 12 trillion and a +'- score of -7. According to everybody else, he "only" got a DNP-CD. Whatever the case, he sucks. He sucks bad. If I ever create a new industrial strength vacuum cleaner with incredible sucking power, I'm changing it's name from The Diaw to The Kwame. And, naturally, it'll be totally overpriced...

Utah Jazz: Wow. Way to get castrated by the Spurs, guys. Or is "castration" to generous. Yeah, probably too generous. That loss cost them homecourt advantage in the playoffs, by the way.

Kyle Korver: Remember Kyle's "Tickle-Me Elmo" defense from earlier this season? Well, it happened again. Look, Kyle. I'm sure the whole "Gay Elf" thing goes over big at the Lord of the Rings conventions. But it doesn't work real well in the NBA. Keep it up, and Jerry Sloan is going to choke a bitch. Can you guess who the bitch is going to be?

Bill Kennedy, Pat Fraher and Steve Javie: Poor Brian Skinner almost never gets to play, and you kick him out of the game for this? You guys are assholes just doing your job and trying to keep things under control.

Portland Trailblazers: You guys lost the chance to finish above .500 by losing the the Phoenix bench, which consists of D.J. Strawberry, Alando Tucker, Eric Piatkowski and Sean Marks. Just for that, I'm taking back 13.8 percent of the nice things I said about you this season.

Golden State Warriors: What a way to finish up a heartbreaking season...by losing to the (then) 19-win SuperSonics. I'm suddenly kind of glad they didn't make the playoffs.

Basketbawful: In today's NBA Closer column on Deadspin, I claimed that this year's Golden State Warriors were the first team since the 1990-91 Warriors to field three 20-point scorers. And a reader named Travis let me know I was wrong. "I'm a big fan of the site and your work on Deadspin, but I a quibble with your statement in today's NBA Closer column that the Warriors are the first team in 17 years to have three players average 20 points per game. Depending on how you compute a player's average (i.e., whether you round up), the 2004-05 Wizards had three players who averaged 20 points or more per game: Arenas, Jamison, and (yes, it's true!) Larry Hughes." Thanks for the correction, Travis. I feel like crap now.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Golden State Warriors, Isiah Thomas, Kwame Brown, Kyle Korver, New Jersey Nets, New York Knicks, Portland Trail Blazers, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

I'm busy writing some Eastern Conference playoff previews for Deadspin, but I promise that Kyle Korver's "gay elf defense" and Kwame Brown's mind-boggling 12 trillion [!!] will get full coverage in a couple hours.

Note: Okay. Yahoo! has Kwame down for the 12 trillion, ESPN has him down for a DNP-CD, and NBA.com has him down with a bunch of slashes. I'll get to the bottom of this when I write the post...

Labels: Kwame Brown, Kyle Korver, Worst of the Night

To signal an illegal screen while out of bounds, the referee must fold his arms Kazaam-style while also giving a look that says: "I'm very disappointed in you." If you need any inspiration for this, try to imagine you just discovered a cat licking your toothbrush. Or Jim Rome doing anything.

[Thanks to Shrugz for the slight text adjustment.]

Labels: Jim Rome, Kazaam, Know your signals, referees

Barry Hall: Watch this video of Barry Hall punching out Brent Staker and then throwing up his arms in that "What? I didn't do anything?" way we all know too well and then tell me that the first name that popped into your head wasn't Bruce Bowen.


Atlanta Hawks: I guess now that they've secured their place at the end of Boston's iron boot, they have nothing else to prove. Me? I'd be embarrassed to let somebody to come into my house and put an ass-whoopin' on me in my last home game of the regular season. But I guess I'm just old-school that way.

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: His team's playoff spot might be secure, but Stan the Man isn't conceding anything. "If they’re keeping score, I want to win. I don’t care, exhibition game or anything else. If there's a scoreboard, I'd rather be on the right side of that. Now, I wasn't going to sacrifice everything for that. I wasn’t going to play guys 40 minutes or whatever. But we want to win." Take that, Pat Riley.

Minnesota Timberwolves: They shouldn't feel bad for losing to Detroit's bench. Everybody's been doing that lately. But 60 losses? That they should be ashamed of.

Theo Ratliff: He was the only Pistons reserve that came off the bench and didn't score. Gave me flashbacks to high school. [shudders]

Charlotte Bobcats: It never feels good to vomit up a 20-point lead and lose in overtime. Never, ever, ever.

Jason Richardson, quote machine: Regarding his team losing the big lead: "I think we thought we had them buried in the books, and you can't do that to any NBA team. You have a team down, you have to kick them. In the NBA, if you don't kick them, they are going to kick you. That's what they did." I hope all the elementary school kids who follow the NBA got all that.

Emeka Okafor, poster boy: Getting posterized? Bad. Getting posterized so hard your nose explodes? Very bad. [From Odenized.]

Devin Harris: Did anybody else notice he came off the bench last night to back up the 39-year-old Darrell Armstrong? Also: 5 turnovers.

Peja Stojakovic: Peja? Oh, Peja! The basket's that way. No, that way. Yikes...2-for-14...he must have been channelling the spirit of Joakim Noah.

Bonzi Wells: DNP-CD. Huh. (I've been told he was sick.)

Brevin Knight: His stat line -- 0 points, 9 assists, and only 1 turnover -- was so classic Brevin Knight that the box scorer from last night's game should be engraved on his tombstone someday.

Memphis Grizzlies: They started Jason Collins, Brian Cardinal played 23 minutes, Darko and Kwame Brown got DNP-CDs, they lost by 22 points, and it looks like they're going to match last season's league-worst record of 22-60.

Von Wafer: Everyone's favorite German sugar cookie had a one trillion against the Grizzlies. Thanks to Steven for the head's up.

John Salmons and Spencer Hawes: With Ron Artest and Brad Miller out of the lineup (again), Salmons and Hawes got their chance to shine! And didn't. The dystrophic duo combined to shoot 5-for-26 from the field.

Lamar Odom's suit: This is from Basketbawful reader Wild Yams: "Mr. Bawful, this definitely needs your looking into, cause if it isn't awful I don't know what is. You've got to check out Lamar Odom's suit that he wore to and from the Lakers-Kings game last night.

"The LA papers reported the following tidbits on it: Odom wandered into the locker room wearing a white suit with purple and gold trim that practically jumped off the lapels and sleeves. He was more than 20 minutes late.'You here with your marching band?' Coach Phil Jackson yelled out, mildly annoyed, or more likely, fairly amused. Odom walked into the locker room as a late arrival before the game in a white jacket with purple sleeves, a gold collar and white pants, which prompted Jackson to tell him, 'Oh my God, no wonder you took so long.'

"You can glimpse the suit in Odom's postgame interview that's up at this site, and here's a not-so-great screengrab of it. It should be pointed out that the bellhop-esque suit does in fact have a hood, and that Odom wore a similarly styled 'suit' to the previous game against the Spurs (only it had red trim instead of yellow and purple). Mr. Odom may have just topped those T-shirts he was selling awhile back."

I'm looking into this one now. More if I can get it.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Charlotte Bobcats, Devin Harris, Emeka Okafor, English Football, Memphis Grizzlies, Peja Stojakovic, Stan Van Gundy, Worst of the Night

The end of the NBA regular season means the final installation of our sort-of-but-not-really weekly powerless rankings. So this is the last time (this season) that I'll get to wipe my butt with the Eastern Conference while Hardwood Paroxysm delivers a well-placed nutshot to the Western Conference.

1. Miami Heat: In the immortal words of the great poet/philosopher Clubber Lang: "Dead meat."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: You only live once. Luckily, today, Heat fans get to finally feel like they've embraced the sweet release of death. So they only live twice. So Heat fans are kind of like James Bond. This has become pointless. Much like the Heat.

2. New York Knicks: For some reason, I keep getting this vision of Isiah Thomas sitting in bed, drinking Boone's Farm straight out of the bottle, and listening to Journey's Don't Stop Believing over and over.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's been fun, Zeke. Really. I mean, not for Knicks fans. Or citizens of New York. Or Anucha Brown. Or David Stern. But for the rest of us? A lot of fun. And no one can take that away from you. And hey, you still have your health! Unless they somehow make incompetence illegal. Then I would run, far, far away.

3. Charlotte Bobcats: Why all the doom and gloom, Bobcat fans? I'm sure Gerald Wallace, Adam Morrison and Sean May will all be back and healthy next season. Between that and the high draft pick, you can probably count on this team for upwards of 36, maybe 37 wins in 2008-09.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: They put together a solid series of games, and then close out the season by losing an embarrassment to the Nets. Yup. Them's the Cats.

4. Chicago Bulls: Yeah, I'm probably going to hold off on buying those season tickets. I don't really feel like "hating it live."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Why are the Bulls here and the Bucks above them, even though the Bulls plastered them with 151 the other night? Because the Bucks recognize the virus and are cleaning house. That's why.

5. Milwaukee Bucks: Now that they have John Hammond on board, all they need is Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rasheed Wallace. Then their transformation into the Pistons will be complete.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Getting a member of one of the most successful front offices in the league to head the new regime, promising actual change at the top, tanking to move up the lottery? They're trying to get better. Do they KNOW what that does to their powerless rankings?

6. New Jersey Nets: See, Nets fans? Vince Carter totally cared at the end of the season and it didn't change anything. So please don't expect him to start caring next year. Update! Basketbawful reader Shrugz had this to add: "vince carter caring at the end of this season is like a captain of a battleship that decides to start firing back after the ship starts sinking."

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Good news, Nets! You've gone from woefully underachieving to unnoticeably mediocre. So that's...cool...for...you...

7. Indiana Pacers: Their future is now in Larry's hands, and Larry's hands alone! [sobs]

Hardwood Paroxysm says: So close, Indiana. So close. Maybe next year, you can get swept by the Celtics.

8. Atlanta Hawks: Memo to the Hawks: I bet this is exactly how General Custer felt.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: No, seriously, that giant broom coming is...um...the broom of Glory!

9. Philadelphia 76ers: Damn. They're stuck playing Detroit in the first round. I hate that their feel-good story has to end this way.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Congratulations, Philly. You're the professional equivalent of Davidson.

10. Cleveland Cavaliers: Hey, Danny Ferry. Way to surround LeBron with "talent." Maybe you can sign Kwame Brown in the offseason, too. I hear he'll be available.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Okay...carry the three...at a 45 degree angle...divide by the remainder...X=.... Oh, sorry, I was just figuring out how many points LeBron has to average in order for the Cavs to make it to the Finals again. I'll get back to you when I have an answer.

11. Toronto Raptors: How many chemotheraphy sessions would it take to get rid of their T.J. Ford? Or is it terminal?

Hardwood Paroxysm says: Canadafail.

12. Washington Wizards: Has anyone noticed that this season's Wizards have been the bizarro clone of last year's club? They started the season with little hope only to become a scary force going into the playoffs.

Hardwood Paroxysm says: It's like God said "Okay, you made it through last year and this year. I'll make you the team no one wants to face in the first round. Go on with you bad, excessively nicknaming selves!"

13. Orlando Magic: Huh. Maurice Evans had a career-high 27 points against the Hawks. I guess their backcourt issues are solved, eh? Eh?!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: I'm having a hard time finding anything about this team that's not impressi...Keyon Dooling. Oops.

14. Detroit Pistons: Flip Saunders is totally riding his bench to the Promised Land. Wait, Flip Saunders is using his bench? And...Rasho Nesterovic is averaging 18 and 7 this month...and Dirk Nowitzki is hitting clutch shots...ALIENS! ALIENS! THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!

Hardwood Paroxysm says: And lo, I saw a fro'd rider, on a fro'd horse. And his name was Sheed. And hell (and terrific perimeter defense) followed with him.

15. Boston Celtics: If the Celtics meet the Lakers in the Finals, I hope KG makes Kobe pay for stealing his MVP award. And I mean pay dearly. (Sweep the leg, Johnny!)

Hardwood Paroxysm says: These guys are like a Disney movie only nothing bad happens. It's all fun and song and dance, and then a happy ending. And yes, in this scenario, Leon Powe is the teapot.

Labels: Powerless rankings

The same man who's terrified of rogue snake eggs in his backyard and once had his Great Dane taken away from him because it was starving to death is now teaming up with PETA to spay and neuter your dog(s). I guess it's kind of honorable for Ron-Ron to take such an interest in controlling the pet population -- Bob Barker would be proud -- but do you really want him coming anywhere within 1,000 feet of your pets' reproductive organs? Yeah, me either.

Labels: crazy people, PETA, pets, Ron Artest

Carmelo Anthony: Why's 'Melo so mellow? He's buzzed, that's why. I get the same way. Also: Hungry for burritos. Nice mugshot, by the way.

Carmelo Anthony's fiance: She wouldn't come and pick her meal ticket up from the po-po house? Daaaaamn, girl. Whatchu doin'? You gots to take care of yo' baby daddy!

Ron Artest: Great googly moogly. Ron-Ron's scared of snake eggs. I guess the Sorting Hat would never put him in Slytherin, then. (Do you think J.K. Rowling will try to sue me for making that comment? Speaking of which...)

J.K. Rowling: Do not write about Harry Potter. It may leave the book's author "close to tears," "violated," and "all but paralyzed" by "stress and heartache." Well, I guess we know now that Lord Voldemort didn't die at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. His spirit must be possessing J.K. Is there a countercurse for that?

The Stern Button: Man. What a clusterbumble in Philly last night, huh? I did an extensive writeup of this mess for Deadspin, but let me sum things up: The Sixers were up by one point with a few seconds left. LeBron drove to the hoop -- and totally travelled, by the way -- before getting the ball knocked out of his hand. Devin Brown recovered it, forced a shot, missed it, and the 76ers pulled out a huge 90-89 win. Or did they? The referees reviewed the film and decided the "right call" was that Devin Brown got fouled on his last-second shot attempt. Brown sank the freethrows, and the Cavs won...setting of a ripple-effect throughout the Eastern Conference playoff pond: Cleveland clinched the fourth seed, Washington got stuck with the fifth seed, Toronto backed into the sixth seed, and Philadelphia fell to the seventh seed.

Forget the fact that refs don't make those calls in end-of-game situations -- the prefer to let the players decide the game -- if they really wanted to get things right, they would have called the travel on LeBron, which happened before the foul on Brown. And that should have been the end of the game, with the Sixers winning. But that's not how The Stern Button works, is it?

Death and taxes: Both suck, but only one of them is coming for us today. I hope.

Dwayne Jones: From Jonathan: "Sasha Pavlovic is injured when he's supposed to shoot freethrows, so Mo Cheeks gets to choose a replacement from the Cleveland bench. Enter Philly college favorite Dwayne Jones. Jones proceeds to dutifully clank two free-throws, confirming the 76er's choice, and is summarily yanked 33 seconds later. Technically, isn't this even worse than a 1-trillion?" I'm going to go ahead and say "yes" on that one, Jonathan.

Golden State Warriors: They only needed to hold on to an 11-point fourth quarter lead against the Suns to stay in the playoff race. What do you think happened?

Don Nelson: Why? Why would Don Nelson bench Baron Davis -- the team's captain, emotional co-leader, leading scorer and assist man, and best clutch player -- for the entire second half?! Nelson's explanation? "I gave Baron a much-needed rest in the second half." And that's all he had to say on the subject. I understand that Baron was only 2-for-13 in the first half, but benching him for the entire second half with a playoff bid on the line was stupid, arrogant, and indefensible. The only possible excuse I would accept is that somebody had planted a bomb in Baron's head that was set to go off if he played more than 17 minutes. Whatever the reason, you've made at least one Lakers fan very happy.

Update: Mark from Black Jesus Disciples and Your Face is a Sports Blog may have answered my "What the hell was Nellie thinking?!" question: Apparently, Baron was hungover. Oh, B-Diddy...Jerry West does not approve.

Indiana Pacers: They only needed to win a game against Washington's reserves to stay in the playoff race. What do you think happened?

Miami Heat commentators: From Kevin: "As I was watching the Heat/Raptors game, there was just one comment from the Miami Heat commentator (sorry don't know his name, it's the guy that usually talks the most) that made me almost spit out my drink.'Well not that I'm trying to put a silver lining on this Heat season, because honestly you can't....' Funny to see how the commentators just want the season to end too." This may be the first time I've ever heard of a broadcaster tanking. Also, I'm going to assume that the comments came from Eric Reid.

New York Knicks: Forget the fact that they lost their final home game of the season to the Boston bench, the Knicks gave away free food and nonalcoholic beverages to thank fans for helping them record 21 sellouts. Man, with the season those fans have been through, the Knicks could have at least provided alchoholic beverages. And a lot of them.

Isiah Thomas, poet and philosopher: After last night's loss to the Celtics' reserves, Isiah addressed the uncertainty of his future with the Knicks. "There are certain times when you live in uncertainty and you're not comfortable with it, but you have to learn to settle and be patient and see what plays out. And we all want certainty in our life. However, in the uncertain times you have to sit with it and in sports there are a lot of uncertain times." You want certainty, Isiah? Here's some for you: I'm dead certain you won't be coaching in New York as soon as, say, Wednesday night. Thursday morning at the latest.

Doc Rivers, quote machine, Part I: Doc employed an unsual motivational tactic during halftime last night: He let Masters winner Trevor Immelman give his team a pep talk. "He gave us a halftime speech and it obviously worked. It was great. Half the guys didn't know him, but most of them did." Wait...half of the guys didn't know them...but half of them did...? Is this one of those lateral thinking puzzles? Or did my brain just breaked? I mean, did my break just brained? Crap.

Doc Rivers, quote machine, Part II: More on Immelman's halftime visit. "It was really cool. They gave him a nice standing ovation, shook his hand. We wanted everyone to touch what a champion felt like." Well, hell, who doesn't want to touch what a champion feels like?

The YES Network: From Jorag: "I just wanted you to see this error made by the YES Network on Sam Cassell's night vs the Knicks. I guess that puts him at number two behind Wilt for most rebounds in a single game." Wow...54 rebounds. I knew Sam I Am had some huge balls, but...wow.


Chicago and Milwaukee: Defense? What's that? Oh yeah. It's just waiting to get back on offense. The Bucks were eating popcorn as the Bulls scored 151 points -- just four points off the franchise record of 155 set on December 4, 1990 against the Phoenix Suns -- on 67 percent shooting (including 74 percent from inside the arc). Chicago was sharing that popcorn, apparently, since Milwauke put up 135 points on 57 percent shooting themselves. And there were plenty of other crazy numbers in this game. Like Loul Deng's 32-point, 15-for-20 shooting night. And Chris Duhon's 22-point, 15-assist performance (which I'm guessing would qualify as the best game of his career). And let's not forget Ramon Sessions, formerly of the D-League's Tulsa 66ers, who scored 20 points and had a Milwaukee franchise record 24 assists. Man, I scored 10 points and I wasn't even there.

San Antonio Spurs: With the way they struggled to put away the Kings -- who were without Kevin Martin (right knee), Ron Artest (crazy) and Brad Miller (leg) -- it seems like they're playing "dead" moreso than "possum."

Matt Bonner: From Vinny Gorgeous: "The Argentinan Jackie Robinson is out tonight, but the white Rosa Parks threw up a 6 trillion." Why, Matt? Why?!

Anthony Johnson: That's mister four trillion to you, buddy.

The ESPN Scoreboard: From Sky Flakes: "I can't believe that this is happening at ESPN." Hey, who needs the actual scores? It's more fun to just make them up!

Labels: Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Isiah Thomas, Worst of the Night

For the most part, I've been trying to stay out of the MVP debate. What's the point? I mean, it sure seems like the field has been effectively narrowed down to Chris Paul and Kobe Bryant, with the edge going to the player whose team finishes on top of the Western Conference dogpile. I could make a reasonably educated bargument for or against either player, but regardless of the outcome, I won't dispute the final results. After all, CP3 and Mamba are (more or less) equally deserving.

Of course, neither of them is really the league MVP.

NBA experts and fans who think otherwise are either delusional or kidding themselves. The Most Valuable Player -- with an emphasis on the word "Valuable" -- of the 2007-08 NBA regular season was, is, and will always be Kevin Garnett. And frankly, it shouldn't even be in question.

The Boston Celtics have won 65 games so far this season. They won 24 last year. For those who enjoy simple math, that's a 41-game turnaround. Think about that for a minute: 41 games. Go take a look at the current standings: 15 teams -- a full half of the league -- haven't won 41 games this season. If that doesn't boggle your mind, then you, my friend, are truly unboggleable.

But this is more than just a one-season renaissance. It has been the complete and total rebirth of the proudest franchise in league history. It's not like the Celtics have merely suffered a couple sub-par seasons -- like, say, the Lakers -- they've been bad for a while. In fact, the Celtics have suffered more than any other team in the past 20 years. No, seriously.

KG changed the culture of the franchise. He made them winners again. That's not to demean the contributions of Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, or the rest of the team (especially Rajon Rondo, who spent the preseason being compared to Matt Maloney). But seriously, look at the facts. Allen has been good (17.6 PPG, 3.7 RPG, 3.1 APG), but not great (44 percent shooting from the field, 39 percent from three). Likewise for Pierce. But forget the numbers. Look at the way they've been playing defense. Critics of the Ray Allen trade -- and I was one of them -- cited Ray-Ray's biggest defensive liability: Namely, that he didn't play any. Not so this season. And Pierce has been going balls-out on D, too. All the Celtics have. And this is an absolute certainty: That intensity begins and ends with Garnett.

Say what you will about his inability to score in the clutch or his history of playoff frustration in Minnesota. I don't care, because that's all in the past. His spirit, his drive, his electrifying presence have revitalized a franchise that's been dead for the better part of two decades. Why aren't people freaking out about this? Why is "the greatest single-season turnaround in NBA history" not enough?

Honestly? Probably because the Celtics were the exciting early-season story, and the Western Conference Playoff Race* has been the dominant late-season story. Hey, our society has an incurable case of Attention Deficit Disorder. But you know, this isn't the first time this has happened. It's not even the first time it's happened to a Celtic.

*Don't give me the "West is Best" argument, either. The Celtics were 25-5 against Western Conference teams this season, including season sweeps of the Lakers, Mavericks, Rockets and Spurs. And three of those losses -- to the Nuggets, Warriors, and Suns -- came right after KG returned from injury and the team was trying to readjust to his presence.

Let's go back to those golden days of 1980. Larry Bird had revived a Boston team that had won 29 games the previous season, and only 32 games the season before that. At the time, that was the worst two-year stretch the Celtics had suffered since the pre-Auerbach days. Worse, Celtic Pride has sunk to an all-time low, thanks to the malignant presence of locker room cancers like Bob McAdoo, Curtis Rowe, and Marvin Barnes.

Bird changed all that, and he did it largely by himself (with some help from new coach Bill Fitch). After all, this was basically the same team from the previous season (Robert Parish was still a Golden State Warrior, and Kevin McHale was a Minnesota Golden Gopher). Bird breathed new life into vets like Dave Cowens and Tiny Archibald, both of whom a lot of experts thought were finished. The Celtics won 61 games that season, the most in the league. That 32-game improvement was, at the time, the greatest turnaround in league history. Yet he finished fourth in MVP voting behind Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Julius Erving and George Gervin.

It was and still is preposterous. The Lakers had won 60 games, but that was only a 13-game improvement from the previous season, and they had added Magic Johnson. And Kareem's numbers were only marginally better than Bird's: 24.8 PPG to 21.3, 10.8 RPG to 10.4, and they both averaged 4.5 APG. But the number that should have counted most went Larry's way: Franchises saved (1).

Dr. J's Sixers improved from 47 to 59 games, but they were an established team that had been to the NBA Finals in 1977. And anyway, they lost the Atlantic Division race to Bird's back-from-the-dead Celtics. Meanwhile, the Iceman led the league in scoring (33.1 PPG), but his Spurs won only 41 games...a seven-game dropoff from the previous season.

Bird was the most valuable player in 1980, just like Garnett is the most valuable player in 2008. Kobe might win the hardware, or maybe it'll be Chris Paul. And they've earned it. But not more than KG.

Sidenote: I probably should have mentioned this above, but as Wild Yams correctly points out, KG would probably be a shoe-in if he hadn't won the MVP in 2004. But there's a sense among the media and fans that he already "got his," where as the other candidates -- Kobe, Paul, and maybe even LeBron -- are still without hardware. Yams is right when he says, for good or ill, that plays a factor in the MVP voting.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chris Paul, Dr. J, George Gervin, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Kevin Garnett, Kobe Bryant, Larry Bird, Los Angeles Lakers, MVP, New Orleans Hornets

How does Sam Cassell support the weight of his giant balls? (Other than the occasional self-adjustment, that is.) The answer: By letting Celtics strength and conditioning coach Bryan Doo (real name) stretch him out, of course! Could Bryan possibly look any more excited? And could Sam look any more...not excited? Remember what Bobby Knight says, Sam: If stretching is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it.

You can thank Basketbawful reader Alex Hopper for today's hunka hunka burnin' man love.

Labels: Boston Celtics, man love, Sam Cassell

Cleveland Cavaliers: This was not a weekend to remember for the Cavs. On Friday, they lost to the Bulls 100-95 despite Lebron's shock-and-awe first quarter (24 points on 10-for-10 shooting). On Sunday, they struggled to beat the Washington Generals Miami Heat in Cleveland. In point of fact, the Cavaliers were trailing by two going into the fourth quarter of that game and had to rely on Daniel Gibson to save them. I think Gilbert Arenas might have known what he was talking about.

Fun fact: Do you know who holds the United Center record for points in a single quarter? If you answered "Michael Jordan" or "Scottie Pippen" or even "Ben Gordon," you were wrong. It was Jalen Rose, who (according to his NBA.com bio) scored 25 points in the fourth quarter to lead a come-from-behind victory over the Pacers on December 21, 2002.

Dallas Mavericks: Just when you thought it was safe to believe in them...just when everybody was starting to call them "scariest seventh seed ever"...they drop back-to-back games to the short-handed Trail Blazers and the soon-to-be-in-Oklahoma Sonics. So much for that amazing defense, huh? Portland shot 59 percent against them on Saturday and Kevin Durant burned them with two clutcht hoops in the final minute of Sunday's game. And if they don't win their final game against the Hornets, they'll end up as the eighth seed...and get a first round appointment with Dr. Buss and the Lakers. Wah, waaaaaaaah.

Darko Milicic: He's officially taken the lead in the "Worst Taken Too High Draft Pick" suckoff. He was yanked after only 9 minutes of lack-tion on Friday (zero points, 1 rebounds, 1 turnovers, 1 foul) and got benched on Saturday in favor of...Andre Brown! Even Kwame Brown got 14 minutes of PT on Saturday! With only a couple of games left to go on the Grizzlies' schedule, I think it's safe to say Darko will not be breaking out any time this season.

Dikembe Mutombo: I really hope he doesn't retire, because I'm going to miss his "I can't believe the call went against me" looks. Like, a lot.

Denver Nuggets: Who are these guys? Lose by 27 to the Jazz one night, beat the Rockets by 17 the next. Even Dr. Jekyll thinks these guys are a little schizophrenic. And their in-game entertainment sucks. Okay, well, not all of it.

DeSagana Diop: He worked his way into the starting lineup and rewarded the Nets with a Jason Collins-like zero points (0-for-1) in 28 minutes of lack-tion against the Raptors on Friday.

FedExForum: Uh oh. "Three people were injured Saturday night before a game between the Minnesota Timberwolves and Memphis Grizzlies when a small section of the stands at FedExForum collapsed. One man was taken away on a stretcher and two others were treated at the scene, arena officials said." Wow. I guess everything about the Memphis franchise is falling apart. Steve Zito, senior vice president of arena operations, said: "This has surprised us. We're going to find out what happened and make sure it never happens again." Gee...thanks, Steve. [Hat tip: Hardwood Paroxysm]

Kobe Bryant's titanic ego: Humility never was Mamba's thing, was it? When asked about the possibility of winning the MVP award after Friday night's win over New Orleans, Kobe said: "The MVP nowadays is not an individual award, you really have to make your teammates better and elevate your ballclub. I think for me to be nominated in that race is a tremendous honor because that's really been one of the criticisms people have had of me, how well I make my teammates better. From that standpoint, I feel like I have already won." Then, on Sunday, his wife and kids showed up to the Staples Center with adorable little homemade signs that said "Daddy for MVP." Maybe it was just a display of loving support from the people closest to him, but then again, this is the same guy who spent years mimicking Michael Jordan's mannerisms and recently wanted people to believe he jumped over a speeding car. Let me put it this way: Do you remember Larry, Magic, or Michael's families showing up to home games and campaigning for them to win the MVP? Yeah. Didn't think so.

Mario West: Super Mario's season-long ego-ectomy continued this weekend: He played 9 seconds on Friday against the Knicks and had a DNP-CD on Saturday against the Celtics. This is his month of April so far: DNP-CD, 3 seconds, DNP-CD, DNP-CD, 9 seconds, DNP-CD. What did he do to piss off Mike Woodson?

Memphis Grizzlies' biggest fan: You poor kid. Note: I am not picking on the kid. I'm pitying him.

Milwaukee Bucks: It almost doesn't seem worth mentioning that they went 0-for-the-weekend and lost both games by a combined 29 points. What? I said "almost."

New Orleans Hornets: All the Hornets had to do to hold onto the top seed in the Western Conference was win one of their two games this weekend. And they didn't do it. They fell behind by 30 in Friday night's 107-104 loss to the Lakers and then laid an egg in Saturday's 94-91 loss to the Kings. Not only did they lose the conference lead, they cost Chris Paul the MVP. Bad weekend. Baaaaaad weekend.

Orlando Magic: Sure, they obliterated the Bulls on Sunday to reach the 50-win mark for the first time in 12 years. But that impressive feat is somewhat muted by the fact that they're only 5-6 in their last 11 games, with losses to New York and Minnesota (on Friday) in that stretch. And their loss to the Timberwolves? It happened in Orlando. And, as always, the team's Achilles' heel has been its guard play. Minnesota's guards killed the Magic: Randy Foye scored 25, Rashad McCants had 19, and Corey Brewer added 12. Said coach Stan Van Gundy: "Their guards destroyed us. That's troubling with the guards we're going to play in the first round of the playoffs." You've got that right, coach.

Philadelphia 76ers: America's Team went into a mini-slump this weekend, losing at home to the Pacers on Friday and then dropping a game in Washington on Saturday. One win would have moved them into sole possession of the East's sixth seed and away from the dreaded "Pistons First Round Buzzsaw."

Philly's bricklayers: Why'd the Sixers lose to the Pacers? Because Willie Green (2-for-14), Louis Williams (2-for-12), and Rodney Carney (1-for-11) shot the ball like somebody had replaced their hands with rusty wirehangers coated with Vaseline.

Philly's trillionaire club: Shavlik Randolph had a two trillion against the Pacers, while Kevin Ollie and Louis Amundson each had a one trillion against the Wizards.

Phoenix Suns: Friday night's loss to the Rockets cost them any shot at having home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs. On the bright side, it might have ensured them of a first round matchup with the Spurs. Yes, that's the "bright side."

San Antonio Spurs: Hm. Let's take a look at the Spurs last five games: Two wins over the Blazers and Sonics, and three double-digit losses to the Jazz, Suns, and Lakers. If Spurs fans are feeling a little worried at this point, they should be.

Toronto Raptors: There's no shame in losing to the Pistons in Detroit. There is some shame, however, in losing to the Pistons' bench in a game that might decide your team's playoff destiny. Which is exactly what happened yesterday, when Detroit's "Zoo Crew" outscored Toronto's starters 26-21 en route to a 91-84 victory. The loss dropped the dinos into a tie with Philly for the sixth seed in the Eastern Conference. Another slip-up could drop the Raptors into the seventh spot and a first round date with the Pistons. Bum-bum-buh-buuuuuuuuum, bum-bum-ba-da-da-dum!

Washington Wizards: Agent Zero and the Wizards are openly lusting after first and second round matchups with the Cavaliers and Celtics. Notice how they haven't been talking any smack about the Pistons? Good plan, guys. The Wiz received the prison bitch treatment on their Friday night visit to Detroit, as the Pistons held them to 27 percent shooting and beat them by 28 points...while resting their starters.

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Kobe Bryant, New Orleans Hornets, Philadelphia 76ers, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards, Worst of the Weekend

satellite (sat'-uh-lit') verb, -lited, -liting. To very quickly pass the ball inbounds or downcourt in order to initiate a fast break. This is a move that, in many cases, catches the opposing team by surprise.

Usage example: You can bet the Jazz will be ready next time a team satellites the ball against them in an end-of-game situation. Or Jerry Sloan will kill them all.

Word history: The term was coined by Kyle Korver after Utah's 97-94 loss to the Dallas Mavericks. Brief end-of-game recap: Deron Williams had just banked in a three-pointer to tie the score with about six seconds left. Utah expected Dallas to call timeout...only the Mavs didn't have one. So Jason Kidd immediately inbounded the ball, catching the Jazz totally off guard. Dallas ran the ball downcourt, Dirk Nowitzki popped a clutch three, and Utah lost.

After the game, Korver was still trying to make sense of what had happened. "They were kind of yelling at first. I think, maybe, I don't know if they were yelling for a timeout or not. But then Jason (Kidd) satellited it, and we weren't back, and we should have been, and they got a good look, and he made it."

And that, kids, is how a new Word of the Day is born. Many thanks to Basketbawful reader Brad for the find.

Random sitenote: This isn't the first time Deron Williams hit a big shot in the closing seconds only to be satellited by a pass that won the game. Seriously. It once happened against the Knicks, of all teams. Thanks to Scrumtrulescent for the history lesson. And thanks to Sturla, who provided the video.

Labels: Kyle Korver, Word of the Day

You know, it seems like NBA fans spend far too much time hating referees and far too little time trying to understand them. You think Dirk Nowitzki is under an intense amount of pressure to win a championship? What about the short, fat, balding guy who can blow his whistle once or twice and make 20,000 people want to kill him? And I mean kill him in the most vile and painful ways imaginable. As somebody who regularly finds himself facing angry mobs full of pitchfork-wielding maniacs bent on his gruesome murder, let me tell you: It ain't easy.

I'll probably never meet Zach Zarba, or Mark Wunderlich, or Tommy Nunez, or Jess Kersey...which would make psychoanalysis pretty difficult. But while I can't give you a peek into the inner workings of their unknowable minds, I can explain what all those wild hand and arm gestures they use actually mean. So here's part one of our newest ongoing series: Know your signals.

The illegal forearm is one of the easiest calls to recognize. The referee basically looks like he's holding an invisible beer in such a way as to suggest he's just about to take an invisible drink. Only he's really stiff, kind of like a robot pretending to be a human being who's about to take a drink from an invisible beer. See? Totally obvious.


Fun with officiating: Go here to see referee stats, including the top five homers!

Labels: gesticulation, Know your signals, officiating

Golden State Warriors: Wow. Wow. I know the Warriors haven't been mathematically eliminated from the Western Conference playoffs, but it sure feels that way, doesn't it? And that "sort of almost" fact leaves me feeling empty and a little sad.

It's so weird. The Warriors will probably end up seven or eight games better than last year and still not make the playoffs. What went wrong? I mean, besides a ridiculously stacked Western Conference (their record would make them a solid fourth seed in the East). A lot of things, I guess. Chris Mullin gave away Jason Richardson, for starters. The rich and trendy people came in and spoiled what had been an amazing, old-school homecourt advantage. Don Nelson relied to heavily on a seven-man rotation that forced his big guns -- Baron Davis, Monta Ellis, and Stephen Jackson -- to log about 40 minutes a night. And, of course, the team never committed itself to playing defense; they're dead last in PPG allowed (108.4) and they rank 20th in Defensive Efficiency (giving up 106.2 points per 100 possessions).

I was so sure they'd win last night. So sure. Especially when they ran out to that huge lead. But B-Dizzle and Captain Jack...they look tired, man. And they only got more tired as the game went on. Davis played 46 minutes and shot 9-for-25 overall, 1-for-9 from downtown. Jackson put in 42 minutes and was 5-for-17 from the field, 2-for-6 on threes. Overall, the Warriors hit only 6 of their 27 three-point attempts. And as we all know, the three-ball is their bread and butter.

It's Nellie Ball at its best and worst. You live by the three, you die by the three. You depend on your best two or three players to have big games every night, and when they don't, you usually lose. Especially when you only get 7 points, 5 rebounds, and 1 assist out of your bench.

R.I.P. 2007-08 Golden State Warriors. We'll really miss you in late April.

Utah Jazz: No offense to Dirk Nowitzki, because that game-winning three was one seriously clutchtastic basket. But why in the name of Odin was he so wide open? I know the play (if you can call it that) developed in transition and the Jazz were scattered all over the court, but there's no doubt in my mind that a Jerry Sloan-coached team has been specifically (and maybe profanely) instructed on what to do in such an end-of-game situation: Stick the opposing team's bests players. The Jazz didn't do that, and it cost them the game. Jason Terry said it best: "How do you leave the MVP wide open? It's unbelievable." Make that very unbelievable.

The biggest problem was that the Jazz players thought Dallas was going to call a timeout. Only...they didn't have any timeouts left. So, really, Utah should have expected what ended up happening. But they didn't. Ouch. (Thanks to everybody for the e-mails and comments about this one.)

Deron Williams: This may have been lost in all the excitement of that redonkulous banked three-pointer he hit to tie the game with six seconds left, but Williams fell down on the shot to try and draw a foul. And trust me, there was no contact. Said Williams: "I think I was just trying to flop a little bit." A little bit, yeah. That faux fall might not have had anything to do with Utah's inability to get back on transition and prevent Dirk's shot...but then again, it might have. And judging by his postgame comments, it did. "It happened so quick. I fell on the floor after the shot, looked up and the ball was advancing. Kyle (Korver) was back, pretty much by himself. I don't even know what happened, or how they got so open." That sound you just heard was Jerry Sloan grinding his teeth. In fact, his mouth might just have blown up.

Carlos Boozer: Has anybody else noticed that Boozer is in the midst of a mini-slump? Last night, he scored 10 points (4-for-9) and had 5 rebounds while almost fouling out. His previous three games against the Hornets (10 points, 5-for-14, 6 rebounds), Spurs (16 points, 7-for-16, 7 rebounds), and Timberwolves (12 points, 5-for-12, 7 rebounds) were pretty sub-par, too. For April he's averaging 12 points (on 34 percent shooting) and 6 rebounds...quite a dropoff from his season averages of 21.3 PPG (on 54 percent shooting) and 10.5 RPG. Is he secretly resting for the playoffs or something?

Dirk Nowitzki: I like Dirk and, in general, he seems like a pretty classy guy. But he's become a jersey-popper. He did it last night, and he did it last Sunday against the Suns. Dirk: You must chill! You must chill! I have hidden your keys! You must chill! Seriously, dude, jersey-popping is such a douche move. Please stop it.

Los Angeles Clippers: Let me get this straight. Kobe scores only 16 points on 6-for-17 from the field, Derek Fisher shoots 3-for-10, and the Clippers still get blown out by 28 points? They are who we thought they were.

ESPN box scores: This picture was send in by Basketbawful reader Sky Flakes, who is with me in wondering: Who called time out?

Labels: Carlos Boozer, Deron Williams, Dirk Nowitzki, Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Clippers, Utah Jazz

Today's spoonful of syrupy man love was nominated by Basketbawful reader Jim in KFalls: "My suggestion for 'Thursday afternoon man love' is the caption from the Clay Bennett e-mails directed to David Stern that Henry Abbott quoted on TrueHoop." Good call, Jim. Very good call.

Here's the full text of Clay's e-mail, which shall hereafter be referred to as An Ode To My Big, Stern Man. As love poems go, it's pretty weak. Hardly anything rhymes, he disregarded iambic pentameter, and there isn't a hint of enjambment. He didn't even include any elegiac couplets. But the prose is still sugary enough to give you a cavity. Or make you violently ill. One or the other. (My vote? "Other.")

"I am concerned that you may feel I have betrayed your trust. David you know how I feel about our relationship both personally and professionally. You are among a very few, notwithstanding our relative brief actual physical time together that have significantly affected my life. I view you as a role model as an extraordinarily gifted executive, a deep and compassionate thinker, and a person with a rare and unique charisma that brings out the best in everyone you touch. You are just one of my favorite people on earth and I so cherish our relationship Sonics business aside. I would never breach your trust."

Is it possible to forward somebody a key to your hotel room over e-mail? Because if it is, Clay must have done it with this one. That one paragraph is pretty telling, though. Clay must have led a pretty sheltered life, because when you share a "relative brief actual physical time" with someone, you don't need to write them a Shakespearean sonnet. Cab fare and a smack on the ass will do. Write that down.

Update: The new graphic was the work of Basketbawful reader Stephen, who also designed the new banner. Here's the picture I originally used.

Labels: Clay Bennett, David Stern, fan submissions, man love

triple-threat negative (trip'-uhl thret neg'-uh-tiv) noun. A three-fold series of problems or obstacles that can (and probably will) cause a team to lose a game.

Usage example: Bad coaching combined with poor offensive execution and lousy defense is defintely a triple-threat negative.

Word History: The term was coined by Vince Carter after a 104-83 loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers that shattered the New Jersey Net's fragile playoff hopes. "It's tough when you're not hitting shots, not making layups and calls we felt we should have gotten, we weren't getting. It was a triple-threat negative."

Actually, it's entirely apropos that Vinsanity invented this word. I mean, when Vince was with the Raptors, he signed a girmormous contract, sandbagged until Toronto was forced to trade him, and then caught on fire (at the time, anyway) for his new team. If that's not a triple-threat negative, I don't know what is.

Labels: Vince Carter, Word of the Day

Boston Celtics: I'm not saying that that this team has lost focus now that there's nothing left to play for...actually, you know what? That's precisely what I'm saying. The Celtics turned their effort on and off all night, cruising here, making a run there, hitting big shots and then committing careless mistakes (they had 20 turnovers). The up-and-down, sometimes lackadaisical play led to a 109-95 defeat that gave the Wizards, a potential playoff opponent, more confidence than they probably deserve. Not a big deal, maybe, but you never want to give your foes any type of psychological advantage going into the postseason.

Doc Rivers: Doc couldn't quite decide whether to rest his stars or go all out to beat Washington, so he did the worst possible thing: He yanked The Big Three but then put them back in the game because the score was still close in the fourth quarter. The end result? He didn't rest his stars or win. Paul Pierce played 37 minutes, Ray Allen logged 36, and Kevin Garnett put in 30. Okay, KG got some rest, but what in the name of Lincoln's wart was Ray-Ray doing on the floor that long? We've been hearing all season that Allen's fragile ankles now have the relative durability of two dowel rods wrapped in toilet tissue. If there's one Celtic -- besides Sam Cassell, that is -- who should be sitting, it's Ray Allen. Save him for the playoffs, Doc.

Brian Scalabrine: Everybody's favorite candlepin bowler-slash-instructional video star actually got some PT last night. He would have scored a one trillion, but he gonked a shot and committed a turnover. Which, now that I think about it, is even sadder than getting a trillion.

Maurice Ager: There's our one trillion of the night. Thanks, Maurice.

Ben Wallace: It's good to see Big Bum disappoint somewhere other than Chicago. Wallace's line against the Nets: 1 points (0-for-2), 4 rebounds, 1 steal, 1 turnovers and the worst +/- score on the team (-12).

The Nets' fourth quarter: New Jersey started the quarter down by two points, but they quickly went up by one when Bostjan Nachbar hit a three-pointer. The Nets didn't know it at the time, but their first field goal of the period would also be their last; they went 0-for-19 the rest of the way. And so New Jersey got outscored 28-9 in that final stanza and lost 104-83. Mind you, their very playoff lives were at stake. You hear that, Nets? It's a bell tolling for thee.

Chicago Bulls: It's official. They're not even really trying to win at this point. And Ben Gordan -- who last summer announced that he's the best player on the team -- said it's hard for the players to motivate themselves with nothing to play for and no reason to care. Said Gordan Gordon: ''Anybody who says it isn't, is not telling the truth."

Well, you're wrong, Ben. There's at least one Bull who still cares: Rookie Joakim Noah. And he had some strong (and refreshingly frank) words after the game. Said Noah: "'Losing is like a disease, it spreads throughout the whole team,. It's really hard right now, because regardless of what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season. I feel like we're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. You can talk about Florida, but if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. We're losers. That's all there is to say." He's not wrong."

And Noah wasn't done. ''There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about approach to every game; the things that are going to be tolerated and the things that aren't going to be tolerated. Not the little, stupid things. I'm talking about winning; the sacrifices that need to be done in order to win.'' Amen, brother. Amen. Say whatever you want about his maturity or his hideous jump shot, but the kid is focused, intense, and dedicated to winning. I wish whatever he has would spread through that lineup. In the meantime, the Bulls have stolen the Chicago Cubs' mantra: Wait 'till next year.

Patrick Ewing: From Odenized. You know that fat lip Dwight Howard's sporting these days? It's a little something Ewing likes to call "payback." Still, I figure Stan Van Gundy might prefer if his assistant coach didn't endorse injuries to the team's superstar until after the playoffs.


Isiah Thomas, quote machine: With his team riding a three-game winning streak -- and yes, that's a season-high -- Isiah is all bright eyes and wistful smiles. "Finally the spirit of the team is good. The camaraderie of the team is good. I just think that they’re a team now. A little late, but nevertheless." Wow. It took him only four years to make them a real team. Congratulations, Zeke.

Mark Madsen: We had a Mark Madsen signing! He played 4 minutes and had 1 rebound. That's it. Did you know this is Madsen's 8th NBA season? Wow. And I said Kwame Brown was going to be out of the league soon? What was I thinking?! There's obviously always room at the end of an NBA roster for a big, talentless stiff.

Seattle SuperSonics: In the two games they've played since dropping 151 points on the Enver Nuggets, the Sonics have scored 83 (on 38 percent shooting) and 80 (on 36 percent shooting). A few more bricks, and they'll be ready to build their new stadium from scratch!

San Antonio Spurs: Memo to Gregg Popovich: Shaq is not dead quite yet. Pop decided to stick with single coverage on The Big Resurrection, and his team paid the price for it. Shaq scored 8 points in the fourth quarter, including two huge hooks over Tim Duncan that gave the Suns what turned out to be an insurmountable lead over the defending champs.

Matt Bonner: Ugh. Three trillion. You, sir, are a disgrace to the name "Matt." I say you return that name for something for fitting, like maybe "Poindexter" or "Booger."

Bruce Bowen: What? Bowen pulled a move out of his Dirty Player Aresenal especially for his team's game against the Suns? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I can totally believe it.)


Amare Stoudemire: After getting the old atomic elbow from Bowen, Stat tried to go all hombre on him. "Bruce came elbow first. Elbowed me right in my rib cage. You know, definitely wasn’t a basketball play on his part and I reacted. I definitely didn’t appreciate it. So, I let him know about it." Stoudemire is crazy athletic, and he's an amazing scorer. But he is so not a tough guy. Button the lip, Amare, and let Shaq be your hombre, okay?

Shaq: The Big Cactus played well, but he got a little grandiose after the game (as he is wont to do). Said Shaq: "I'm still the baddest 36-year-old ever created." No offense, Shaq, but you're wrong. The baddest 36-year-old ever created was Karl Malone. Take a look: 25.5 PPG (on 51 percent shooting), 9.5 RPG, 3.7 APG, and -- if you're into advanced stats -- a PER of 27.1 which, according to John Hollinger's handy reference guide, would have made him a "Strong MVP Candidate." Nobody has ever played better at 36. Not even Kareem. (Seriously.)

Labels: Amare Stoudemire, Ben Wallace, Boston Celtics, Bruce Bowen, Chicago Bulls, Doc Rivers, Isiah Thomas, Joakim Noah, New Jersey Nets, Patrick Ewing, San Antonio Spurs, Seattle Supersonics

hombre (hahm'-bray') noun. A seriously tough dude.

Usage example: Man, Charles Oakley was a real hombre back in the day.

Word history: This term has been popping up in an increasing number of NBA telecasts over the course of the season, but I finally decided to make it an official Word of the Day on Friday when 1. Bill Simmons specifically mentioned it in his NBA mailbag and 2. Hubie Brown said "There are a bunch of tough hombres out there tonight" during the Spurs/Jazz game.

Here's how The Sports Guys described it: "I like the word 'hombre' as an NBA word that means the opposite of wuss. If you're an hombre, that means you're not allowing anyone to push you around; you'll stand up for your teammates when they get knocked into the basket support; you play bigger than your size; and you have the balls to take and make big shots in big moments."

The only part of that description I disagree with is the "you play bigger than your size" part. I mean, I would classify Oakley as an hombre, and he was a pretty big dude. Still, I think "hombre" is the new best term for NBA tough guys.

Update: I received the following fan-freaking-tastic Photoshop from Basketbawful reader Stephen, who said: "I'm personally looking forward to the day when we can use other spanish words to describe players, like, 'Kobe is such a puta!' or, 'They're going to have to stop playing like a bunch of coños out there if they stand a chance in the 2nd half.'" So am I, Stephen. So am I.

Labels: Bill Simmons, Hubie Brown, Word of the Day

Atlanta Hawks: For the Hawks, securing the eighth and final playoff spot in the Eastern Conference came down to simple math: Win and you're in (assuming you win at least one more game or the Nets drop one), lose and face the possibility of not reaching the postseason at all. So of course they lost. Atlanta shot 37 percent (to the Pacers 51) and fell behind by as many as 29 points before finally dying softly, 112-98. See that, Hawks? It's your playoff grave. And that's Mike Dunleavy Jr. (28 points, 6 rebounds) holding the shovel.

Mike Bibby: The Bibster was 0-for-8 last night, and he's shooting 5-for-32 over the last three games. Did he get something in his eye? Like a beach ball?

Joe Johnson, quote machine: You can't pin this loss on Joe Cool. He was one of the few Hawks who brought the necessary playoff fire, scoring a game-high 30 points (13-for-24) to go along with 6 rebounds and 4 assists. So, as you can imagine, he was mildly displeased with his team's performance. "[The Pacers] just play harder than us every time we play them. It's nothing they're doing. It's not the players they've got. We didn't play hard, so we get our ass kicked. Point blank." Hold on. The Pacers "play harder" than your team does, but "it's nothing they're doing." Not sure I quite followed that one. But you have to love it when a player manages to both criticize his own team and demean his opponent all in one fell swoop. That's insult efficiency is what that is. Maybe John Hollinger should create a statistic to measure that.

Jermaine O'Neal, quote machine: I'd like to note that the Pacers are not, despite what you may have read to the contrary, dutifully fading away. (Sorry, Henry. I couldn't help myself.) They've won three straight and nine of 12 to make an actual, honest-to-goodness run at a mercy killing by the Boston Celtics the East's final playoff spot. And it's safe to say that pretty much nobody expected it. So...how have they done it? The Drain has the answer. "We're starting to take a disposition about ourselves on both ends of the floor." Alrighty, then. Thanks for the word soup, Jermaine.

Basketbawful: Back when the Pacers signed Flip Murray to help them make one final playoff push, I mocked them. My bad. My utter and total bad. Murray had 20 points and 10 assists last night to help the Pacers stay in the race. And if you check out his game log, you'll see that he's been pretty solid for somebody who was, essentially, an NBA castaway after the Pistons cut him loose. (He almost signed with the Clippers.)

Kareem Rush: I guess you could call him the anti-Flip Murray. The Pacers had high hopes for Rush when they signed him during the offseason, but he hasn't delivered. Last night: A five trillion.

Minnesota versus Charlotte: Neither team played defense (the 'Cats shot 62 percent while the 'Wolves hit at a 51 percent clip). Charlotte built an 18-point lead but then fell asleep and let Minny back into the game. Raymond Felton boned a couple freethrows with 13 seconds that would have given his team a three-point lead. But then Randy Foye let Felton off the hook by throwing the ball away on an attemped pass to Al Jefferson, and the T-Wolves were forced to foul. Matt Carroll hit his first free throw, but Charlotte coach Sam Vincent told him to intentionally miss the second with 1 second left. Of course, Minnesota got the ball back with 0.7 left on the clock, which gave them a chance to tie the game and force overtime. Of course they didn't, but still. I guess you could say it was an exciting game with a Three Stooges finish.

Chicago Bulls: Remember when several experts picked the Bulls to win 50 or 60 games and maybe make it all the way to the NBA Finals? No, really, they did. Yes, this season. What...what happened?! Man, I can't even put it into words. And as a Chicago denizen, I can tell you that the city has practically disowned this dysfunctional band of misfits and malcontents. I mean, nobody wants to even talk about the Bulls right now. Unless it's to say something like, "F***ing Bulls!" Last night was, without question, the nadir of a lost season, as the Bullies got mathematically eliminated from the playoffs by what was then a 13-win Miami Heat squad populated mostly by D-League players. In point of fact, it was D-League MVP Kasib Powell (18 points, 8-for-16, 6 boards) who did most of the damage. The dead horse has officially been kicked into mush. R.I.P, 2007-08 Chicago Bulls.

Pat Riley, quote machine: After his team won their 14th game of the season and ended another long losing streak, Riles said: "These guys are just unadulterated." I have no idea what he could possibly mean. But far be it from me to argue with words of wisdom from a Hall of Famer.

Detroit Pistons: This is how the Pistons chose to honor their All-Time Team? By shooting 35 percent and losing at home to the New York Knicks? I know they don't have anything left to prove until the playoffs, but still. Or maybe this was just the team's way to honor Isiah before he gets fired. Mercy win? Sounds about right to me. And I'm sure that's what Pistons fans are hoping, too.

New Orleans Hornets: Watching that Jazz/Hornets game last night, it was hard to believe that New Orleans is fighting to hang on to the top seed in the Western Conference. I mean, 66 points on 36 percent shooting...at home?! And against an awful road team, no less. Not good.

Chris Paul: Nobody should lose the MVP based on a single performance, but if they did, Paul would have lost it last night. He had 9 assists, but he was held to 4 points on 2-for-11 shooting thanks to some intense defensive pressure from Deron Williams (and some strategic lane-clogging by the rest of the Jazz). Williams (16 assists) also did a better job running his team's offense. It was strangely reminiscent of the way Hakeem Olajuwon manhandled David Robinson during The Admiral's MVP season.

Utah versus New Orleans: Okay, the teams both shot badly (43 percent for Utah, 36 for New Orleans) and combined for 41 turnovers. Final score: 77-66. For a little perspective, the halftime score of the Kings/Warriors game was 77-66. (Thanks, Joe.)

The Boston reserves: The Big Three played, built a huge lead, and returned to the bench for a little nappy time. Their nap was disturbed, however, by the fact that their roleplayers coughed up the lead and barely pulled out a 107-104 overtime victory. Hey, a win's a win, right? And it's better to pull one out on the road than lose to the Knicks at home.

Update! Andrew Bogut: Basketbawful reader Victor said: "I think Andrew Bogut deserves a mention. He got a cripple double last night: 15 points, 15 boards, and 10 turnovers." We call that a triple bumble around these parts, but you're absolutely right, Victor. You get a Tommy Point!

Doc Rivers, quote machine: Eddie House secured Boston's victory with a big three-pointer in overtime, despite the fact that he was 0-for-7 on the rest of his shots that game. And damn if that didn't make Doc proud. "That's a great lesson for all kids. If you're a shooter, you're a shooter. You can miss 20 in a row, but if you're open you shoot again." Yeah. Great lesson. Because more kids need to be remorseless shooters. (That sound you just heard was every high school coach in the country vomiting.)

Mo Williams: He's still out with penis problems.

Shaq: Hmm. The Big Coffee Breaker missed last night's game with a "right hip contusion." That's funny. And here I thought he had just come down with a bad case of the "restin' for the playoffs." My mistake.

Kwame Brown: DNP-CD. I think that's his "Out of the League" clock ticking. I really do.

Los Angeles Lakers: They had the perfect chance to make up ground on the Hornets in the race for the number one seed out West. And they failed. They have the maybe-MVP. Pau Gasol (21 points, 13 rebounds) looks pretty healthy. The Blazers have some injury woes and just lost Joel Przybilla for the season. So, uh, what's the excuse this time? I guess it must have been the devastating absence of Luke Walton. Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Lamar Odom: From Odenized. Dude, that was totally unnecessary. What's with the aggression? Is everything okay at home?


Golden State Warriors: Yeah, yeah. I know they won. But I also know they gave up 132 points on 53 percent shooting to the Kings. In a critical game. At home. Hand in the face, guys, hand in the face. Said Don Nelson: "It's hard to be disappointed when you win and you score 140 points, but we're going to have to start guarding people a lot better than we did tonight." That's an understatement, to say the least.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Golden State Warriors, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Utah Jazz, Worst of the Night

Steve Nash isn't the only pale-faced former MVP to be immortalized in the NBA's collectible bobblepop lack-tion figure series. Dirk Nowitzki has also received the glorious "bobble and lollipop" treatment. Or should I say "Dirk Nowitzki"?


I already know what you're thinking, and the answer is: Yes! The Dirk doll also transforms into a savory yet unmistakably phallic lollipop that emerges seductively from Herr Nowitzki's man region. My funny bone was once again tickled by the fact that the doll's shorts have to come off to reveal the hidden candy inside. A case of art imitating life...or life imitating art?


Much like the Nash doll, Dirk's doppleganger doesn't really look all that much like The Flying Dutchman. I mean, look at it. The designers obviously didn't know how to handle Dirk's Teen Wolf-like facial hair, so they just drew on a goatee and added a stripe on either side of his mouth. That combined with what I've been told is a neanderthal-like protruding brow make the doll look less like Dirk and more like a Geico caveman. Think I'm wrong? You be the judge.

Labels: bobbleheads, cavemen, Dirk Nowitzki, merchandise, Steve Nash

I received a few e-mails asking why I ignored the Milwaukee Bucks in yesterday's Worst of the Weekend post. The answer I gave was that the Bucks have fallen so far from grace this season that they'd have to do something really bad -- maybe even historically bad -- to get mentioned here. Well, I was wrong. Here's an e-mail from Basketbawful reader AirCanada:

"I was pretty disappointed to see that in yesterday's post there was no mention of Miwaukee's big (or more like forced) summer re-signing! None other than Sir Mo Williams, who missed the game against the Pacers with pubic symphysitis. (Editor's note: That's an injury to the pubic symphysis, which is a cartilaginous joint above the man region.) Here's a little Wiki-research: In males, the suspensory ligament of the penis attaches to the pubic symphysis. In females, the pubic symphysis is intimately close to the clitoris. Which could lead us to confirm what we've long suspected: Mo is like a lot of other NBA players (Jason Williams, Vince Carter, etc.): Just another big pussy!"

I don't know what to say. Uhm...wow? I would, however, really like to find out the exact details about how Mo injured his "pubic symphysis." Not because I'm some drooling pervert who wants to discover the dark secrets of an NBA player's groinal activity (I'm strictly a non-drooling pervert). I'd just like to avoid injuring my various upper-penile cartilaginous joints. It sounds wicked painful.

Update! More super-sleuthing from Basketbawful reader Mithat, who -- unlike me -- can read an entire Wikipedia entry in one sitting. "I think Mo is not a pussy but his dick is small. Check the second paragraph below (from Wiki by the way)."

From the Suspensory ligament of the penis entry: "In males, the suspensory ligament of the penis is attached to the pubic symphysis, which holds the penis close to the pubic bone and supports it when erect.

"Surgically cutting [the pubic symphysis] allows more of the penis to hang outside the body, thereby increasing its length. The ligament is then encouraged to heal in an extended state, promoting a longer penis overall. Until this ligament is properly healed, the penis cannot achieve a high angle of erection when engorged."

Well, there you have it. Mystery solved. Mo just wants a little more length to please the ladies with. (Or the boys. We don't judge or discriminate here, unless you're named "Kobe.") There's no crime in that. Although I'm sure the Bucks would have preferred for him to wait until after the season was over. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a surgery to schedule.

Labels: fan submissions, Milwaukee Bucks, Mo Williams, penis, pubic symphysis

Despite what women think of us, men are interested in more than just large breasts. Many men like long legs, others fancy tight butts, and some even enjoy the sight of bare feet smushed into a banana cream pie. See? Our tastes are as diverse as the number of rude noises we can make by expelling gasses from our bodily cavities.

Personally, I like the brain. To me, there's nothing sexier than an elongated reticular formation and a firm, supple parietal lobe. And don't even bring up the corpus callosum unless you're just trying to make me blush. (And it totally worked. I am now blushing. Jerk.)

No NBA dancer has tickled my b-spot quite like Vi of the Sixers Dancers. According to her official bio, Vi's proudest accomplishment is that she graduated summa cum laude -- I bet they do! -- from Kuttown University. There's only one problem with that. There is no Kuttown University. Anywhere. There is a Kutztown University in Pennsylvania, though. Maybe that's it. Although shouldn't someone who graduated summa cum laude be able to spell the name of her alma mater correctly?

Speaking of which, her bio also says she graduated with a BA in science. Huh. I now know only two things about this mysterious "Kuttown" University: 1. The name doesn't turn up on any Internet search engines, and 2. it gives out Bachelor of Arts degrees in science. The science of what, exactly? Irresistibly Sexiness?

But let's not nitpick over a couple little typos. Let's concentrate on the many other fascinating things about Vi, like the fact that she's a math teacher! (And it's not like you need to be able to spell correctly to explain Goldbach's conjecture or transfinite numbers.) Or that her nickname is "Sweet Venus." (I really, really wish I knew the story behind that one.) Why, she even loves warm soda! How many people can put that down next to a picture of them wearing miniature, skin-tight shorts? The answer: I have no idea. (P.S. I don't like warm soda. But if it works for Vi, then I'm more than willing to try it.)

Fun fact: Kutztown University, if that is indeed where Vi attended college, has a mascot named Avalanche the Golden Bear. He is a fat, yellow bear who doesn't wear any pants. No, really.


According to his official biography, Avalanche's favorite food is Whoopie Pie. Yes, you read that correctly. Whoopie Pie. God, I miss college. Good news! You can go and reserve Avalanche for your party or corporate event right now!

Credit where it's due: Many thanks to Suns mega-fan LooseChange for the referral. Who better to find a hot, brainy chick than a hot, brainy chick, right? The rest of you readers and/or perverts out there should also feel free to nominate someone for Basketbabe of the Week. But please: No porn. I can find that on my own, as well as many e-mail offers to enlarge my penis to enormous size. Nominees should be an NBA team dancer, a player's wife/girlfriend/mistress (thanks Geert), or an actual reader of the site. I might even stretch the rules for a hot girlfriend/cousin/mother of a faithful reader. (Remember: I heart MILFs.)

Labels: Basketbabe of the Week

Avery Johnson: Did anybody notice Brandon Bass had a huge game (19 points on 8-for-13 shooting) against Phoenix on Sunday? Impressive, no? Perhaps Dallas would have been able to hold off the Lakers on Friday if The Little General had played Bass more than 12 seconds. If it had been me, I would have at least tried to see if Bass could stay in front of Lamar Odom. Nobody else on the Mavs could.

Byron Scott: Yes, his Hornets have the best record in the West and just matched a franchise record with 54 wins. But why isn't he playing Chris Anderson?! I wants me some Birdman, Byron! If you can find time for Ryan Bowen, you can find time for Anderson.

Charlotte Bobcats: The 'Cats have been playing hard lately, and they've pulled off a few surprising victories. But Saturday's loss to the Celtics was kind of embarrassing. They scored nine points in the fourth quarter and got blown out 101-78...and KG, Paul Pierce, and Ray Allen didn't even play. Did I happen to mention this game took place in Charlotte? Zoikes.

Chucky Atkins: What a weekend for the Chuckmeister. Five trillion on Saturday, DNP-CD on Sunday. Do you think that was enough to make his mother cry? I do.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Don't look now, but this team is in trouble. And I don't just mean because of their back-to-back losses to Chicago and Orlando. Mike Brown has "created" an offense that pretty much begins and ends with "give LeBron the ball and let him create something." But The King is hurting. Who's going to pick up the slack? Oh, and look: If the playoffs started today, they'd be facing the Wizards. You know know DeShawn Stevenson is just licking his chops at the prospect of facing a gimpy LeBron.

DeSagana Diop: The Nets aren't even playing him anymore. He had two DNP-CDs over the weekend. He's finally entered what I am now calling The Kwame Brown Zone (TM).

Don Nelson: Hm. The Warriors: Their three-point shooting is spiraling downward, they're losing leads and struggling on the road against good teams...yeah, that whole "I'm gonna play my big guns around 40 minutes per game because that's just how I do things" strategy is starting to backfire a little bit. The ironic thing is that they actually have a better record right now than they finished with last year. So I guess his plan kinda worked, and kinda didn't.

Enver Nuggets: A few weeks ago, I blasted the Nuggets frightening lack of defense and got rebuked for it. The anti-me critics used John Hollinger's defensive efficiency rating -- which shows that Enver is a top ten defensive unit -- as evidence that I was way off base. And even though I thought that their rating was a little misleading when taken out of context, I agreed to keep an eye on the Nuggets defense and even said that I'd admit if I was wrong. Well...I wasn't wrong, and this weekend sort of proved my point. On Saturday, the Nuggets gave up 118 points in a tough home loss to the Sacramento Kings (36-41). On Sunday, they gave up 151 points (on 52 percent shooting) in a loss to the Seattle SuperSonics (18-59). Mind you, that game went into double overtime, but the Sonics had still scored 126 at the end of regulation. Oh, and rookies Kevin Durant and Jeff Green went off for career-highs of 37 and 35 points, respectively.

So, uh, does anybody else want to defend the Nuggets defense now? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?

Random email of the day: This is from Basketbawful reader Panki. "OMG, there is absolutely and definitely no D in Enver. How can a playoff contender lose a game to Sonics (SONICS!)?! How can two rooks combine for 72 point in 25-45 shooting and 18-19 from the line?! How can six Sonics finish in double figures?! OMG, OMG, OMG! My brain is burning."

Gregg Popovich, quote machine: After watching his team get sliced and diced by the Jazz, Pop said: "They played well and beat us good." Thanks for the insight, coach.

Jim Kozimor: From Odenized. This Kings sideline reporter did some shameless flirting with one of the team's dancers. And by "shameless," I mean "creepy." How could Jim have ever gotten the wrong idea about those girls?


J.R. Smith: Also from Odenized. Hey, J.R. The rim is still 10 feet high, yo!


Kwame Brown: He had his best game as a Grizzly on Wednesday, with 11 points (5-for-8) and 8 rebounds. Didn't lead to more PT, though. He had two DNP-CDs over the weekend. Do you realize that Kwame will probably be out of the league after this season? Has any other former number one overall pick ever been out of the league in six seasons or less since the inception of the draft lottery? It might be research time. Update: An anonymous poster (dude, leave your name next time so I can credit you) left the following comment: "If Kwame is out of the league next year he will be the first lottery #1 to ever be done that fast, and you have to go back to LaRue Martin (four seasons and done) in '72 to find any number one gone sooner."

Manu Ginobili, quote machine: He must be taking lessons from his coach. After his team matched a franchise record for futility (see below), Manu said: "When it’s good, I don't care about history. And when it's bad, I don't care either." Hasn't anybody ever told him that those who don't pay attention to history are doomed to repeat it? Because I learned that cliche in sixth grade Social Studies. (Speaking of which, why the hell do they call it "Social Studies" anyway? Maybe because students spend most of the class passing notes and talking to the people next to them.)

Mario West: Friday night, he played three seconds against the Sixers. Saturday night, he got a DNP-CD. Mario West...living the dream.

Memphis versus Minnesota: Exhibit's A through Z in the case against meaningless end-of-the-season games. Can't we just cancel them? Or maybe we just need to up the excitement. Like telling them before the game that a player will be randomly selected from the losing team for a public execution...now go! That would be fun.

Orlando Magic: Okay, uhm, what the hell, guys? Losing to the Knicks? The Knicks?! Even worse, the loss was at least partially the result of the fact that the Magic couldn't contain rookie Wilson Chandler, who went off for a game and career-high 23 points. Mind you, this is the same Wilson Chandler who played only 30 seconds in New York's Friday night loss to the Hornets. This is a perfect example of how not to prepare for the playoffs.

Phoenix Suns: The NBA's third highest scoring and best shooting team coughed up a 14-point lead by scoring only nine points in the fourth quarter against the Mavericks on Sunday, thus earning the dubious distinction of becoming The First Really Good Team That Dallas Beat Since Trading For Jason Kidd. Don't expect my congratulations.

Ryan Bowen: He had a DNP-CD against the Knicks and a one trillion against the Warriors. Also, his player profile page on Yahoo has exactly two pictures: Him getting scored on by Jarvis Hayes, and him being scored on by Jacque Vaughn. Nice highlight.

Sacramento Kings: I know they were exhausted from beating the Nuggets on Saturday night, so I can forgive their blowout loss to the Lakers. But letting Vladimir Radmanovic grab a career-high-tying 14 rebounds? You're telling me they were too tired to block out Radmanovic, whom Phil Jackson once referred to as a "space cadet" because of his lack of focus and concentration on the court? That's sad.

San Antonio Spurs: On Friday night, the Spurs shot 36 percent from the field and matched the franchise record for lowest point total in a single game (64) while getting their butts beaten by the Jazz ("Yes sir! May I have another?!"). On Saturday night, they shot 38 percent and scored only eight more points, but they managed to notch an ugly 72-65 victory over the Portland Trail Blazers. Maybe it's time for the aging Spurs to invest in some nice reading glasses. Hey, bifocals are totally sexy, right?

Stan Van Gundy, quote machine: Was Stan the Man a little upset about his team's flop-a-roo against the Knicks? Yeah, you could say that. And here's what he said: "It was our worst game of the year by far. Both ends of the floor, no energy. We did an awful job. I did an awful job leaving those guys in the game. I should have gone with some other people in a game like that because the guys out there either couldn't or wouldn't. We were awful. It was embarrassing. We shouldn't be tired. We played a game yesterday, so what? It's the NBA. You can't use that as an excuse. It was just an awful, awful night." Hey, you don't have to hold back, Stan. Tell us how you really feel.

Steve Nash: Captain Canada had a rough shooting game against Dallas, and it probably cost the Suns the game: 4-for-17 from the field, 0-for-9 in the second half, 0-for-6 in the fourth quarter. What happened?! Here are my theories: 1. Mike Breen stat cursed him before the game by commenting that Nash had been "on fire" lately. 2. Whatever shooting disease Jason Kidd has is catching. 3. Mike D'Antoni screwed up by leaving Nash on the bench -- well, laying on the floor by the bench -- to long between the third and fourth quarters. Yes, Nash needs rest, but the Suns offense became a rudderless ship the longer Nash wasn't in the game, and he was ice-cold by the time he finally checked back in. Have I mentioned I totally don't trust or believe in D'Antoni's rotation and time management skills?

The cruelty of fate: Joel "Vanilla Godzilla" Przybilla's season came to a premature end yesterday when he broke a bone in his hand in a game against the Spurs. As I've been noting over and over, Joel has been a beast on the boards lately. It's sad that his best season as a pro had to end this way, especially considering that he's likely to see his minutes reduced radically next season, unless Oden gets hurt playing pickup ball or something.

Toronto Raptors: Back-to-back losses to the Bobcats and Nets dropped them to game below .500. They should be so much better than this.

Miami Heat Washington Generals: Pat Riley should institute a new team goal for the final few games of the regular season: Lose by only single digits. Baby steps, you know?

Labels: Charles Barkley, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Kwame Brown, Miami Heat, Orlando Magic, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, San Antonio Spurs, Worst of the Weekend

butt slap (but slap) noun. The act of patting or slapping a teammate on the posterior; used to acknowledge a great play or as a general display of camaraderie.

Usage example: When you go in for a butt slap, don't use too much cup. Actually, you know what? Just don't butt slap your teammates. It's kind of gay.

Word trivia: Although I've been active in team sports since I started playing PAL soccer in the fourth grade, I fortunately never got into the habit of butt slapping my teammates. However, I did have one memorable (in the bad way) butt slap experience back in college. At the time, I would go to a local health club to play basketball with and against my girlfriend's dad, George, any time I came home for the weekend or on a break.

Normally, I avoid mass showers like the plague because, well, do I really need to explain why? (Okay, fine. The size of my massive penis intimidates most mortal men. Happy now, Mr. Nosy McNosenstein?) But on this particular occasion, George and I were going back to his house for a family dinner, so I had to look all spiffy (showing up to your girlfriend's family dinner all sweaty only works if you're Fabio and your sweat smells like a warm summer day). George got caught up talking with his brother and some friends who had come out for the game, so my plan was to run to the shower, rinse off super-quick, then scurry back and slip into my clothes...thus achieving minimal body exposure time.

However, just like when I'm actually playing basketball, I wasn't nearly as fast as I thought. The rest of the group was right behind me. George was the first one in, and he gave me a hearty slap on my bare ass and said, "Good game." His brother followed him in and did the same. And so did the rest of the guys. I felt like I was taking part in some kind of strange Fraternity hazing ritual. I mean, those dudes were hitting me hard.

Of course, I know it was just a generational thing. They all grew up playing team sports in a time before athletes were expected to be homophobic. But it was emotionally scarring nonetheless. And I have not taken another shower to this day.

Synonyms: Also referred to as either the ass slap or (more rarely) the sportsman's slap.

Hat tip: The above video was featured on Hardwood Paroxysm and was sent to me by The Sports Tsar.]

Labels: pickup basketball, Word of the Day

Ernie Johnson: Andre Iguodala was a guest analyst on the NBA on TNT last night, and Ernie referred to him as the "44-year-old" Andre Iguodala. Which wouldn't have been that silly of a mistake if Iggy didn't have the kind of babyface that makes you wonder whether he still gets his lunch money stolen by the big kids. The only theory I have to explain Ernie's gaffe is that he was thinking about Dikembe Mutumbo, who's been 44 for, what, the last three seasons? Now we finally have an answer to the age-old question: "Who wants to sex Mutumbo?" Ernie does.

LeBron James' fourth quarter: King James has apparently been crippled by the extreme physical burden of carrying Mike Brown's one-play* offense all season. LeBron was suffering from "unrelenting" back spasms last night that made him "unable to cut, jump and move as usual." The result? A peasant-like fourth quarter stat line (one-point, 0-for-5 shooting) and a 101-98 setback to the "nothing to play for" Chicago Bulls. And that loss, combined with the previous night's foul out, might have been the final death blow for the King's MVP bid.

LeBron actually had a chance to tie the game in the closing seconds, but he was turned back by rookie hair god Joakim Noah. Of course, The Chosen one thought there was some contact. "I went up and got hit on the arm. But that’s not why we lost the game." Superstar-to-English translation: "That's totally why we lost the game."

*That one play is "Watch LeBron. He's so shiny." Rumor has it that Brown and his assistants have been devising a second play, wherein LeBron's teammates pass the ball around like a hot potato before shuffling it to LeBron with three seconds left on the shot clock.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched! Again! That'll teach him to hold out before the season, get injured, and then suck.

Quicken Loans Arena sound-effect technicians: With a little less than two minutes left in the game, Ben Wallace blew an uncontested dunk. As the ball clanged off the rim and sailed harmlessly away from the basket, "a loud gong inadvertently sounded in the arena, usually a sound effect reserved for one of Big Ben's blocks." Oops.

Larry Hughes, fulfilling expectations one trade too late: He sure had a game against the Cavs, didn't he? The line: 25 points (11-for-17), 8 rebounds, 9 assists, and 2 steals in 45 minutes. Oh, and he scored 19 of those points in the second half to help the Bulls overcome a 17-point deficit and end their six-game road losing streak. The Cleveland fans must have been pissed. (The title of this one was updated on the suggestion of that great challenger of the unknown, Wild Yams.)

Chris Duhon: He was about five seconds shy of a two trillion. But you know what? We're gonna bend our rules and give it to him anyway, in honor of the season he's having.

Update! Benny the Bull: Remember that whole "Benny sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon" thing? Well, the Bulls finally got around to explaining what really happened: "The Bulls apologized to the Celtics and explained that one of the members of the IncrediBulls -- a group that entertains during timeouts -- had tripped and his gun shot the shirts into the floor from where they bounced into the Celtics."

Nice story. A big load of, well, bullpoopy, but a good story. And KG, or one, isn't stepping in it. "Wow. That's a story. I just turned around and dude [Benny] had the smoking gun in his hands. I didn't see no lady. I didn't see nobody trip over a gun. You know what I'm saying?"

Chicago coach Jim Boylan gave his own humorous take on the incident: "It was against Posey so, it’s open season against him whenever he steps on the court in Chicago. I was proud of Benny, glad he took matters into his own hands. He orchestrated it behind the scenes." Ha, hah! Good one, coach. Of course, you know what they say. Many a truth is said in jest.

Los Angeles Clippers: They tanked Elton Brand's anti-tanking comeback by holding Chris Kaman, Cuttino Mobley, and Tim Thomas out of the game. And hey, fewer players means more opportunities for Brand which means Elton has more sign-and-trade value over the summer. It's a win-win for everybody involved.

Sacramento King announcers: One of them started to call Francisco Garcia "Spencer" in a post-game interview last night. Speaking of which...

Francisco Garcia: From Odenized. 'Cisco announced he's going to try to dunk on Kobe this Sunday. Oh, man. He should know better than that. Although, in all fairness, the announcers kind of goaded "Spencer" into it.


Reggie Theus, quote machine: Regarding Kevin Martin's growth as a player, Theus said, "He’s starting to adapt to the game now. I'm seeing things from him that I didn't see before. He's scoring easier in our offense now." He wasn't adapting to the game before? Then why did you guys decide to build your franchise around him?

Joel Przybilla's future: Joel's been playing great all season, but especially in the last month or so. But I have a bad feeling that when Greg Oden is ready to play next season, Joel will go from being "Vanilla Godzilla, the fire-breathing rebound monster" to "Ghostface Przybilla, the invisible bench holder-downer."

Tracy McGrady, quote machine: He's so happy these days. After leading the Rockets to a 95-88 win over the Trail Blazers -- he scored 26 of his game-high 35 points in the second half -- T-Mac described the excitement stirred within his heart by this season's Western Conference playoff race. "There's going to be a team that wins 50 games and doesn't make the playoffs. So it's a battle out there. I love it." I can't help but wonder how much love's going to be left after Houston's first-round playoff series, probably against either the Hornets, Lakers, or Spurs.

Mike Harris and Steve Novak: They each played 14 seconds and had a stat line that looked like a string of Cheerios. I'd totally feel sorry for them if I had a sense of compassion.

Labels: Chicago Bulls, Chris Duhon, Ernie Johnson, Kevin Garnett, Larry Hughes, Lebron James, Los Angeles Clippers, NBA mascots, one trillion, Sasha Pavlovic, Tracy McGrady, Worst of the Night

My latest article for Deadspin allows you, the fans, to choose this NBA season's Least Valuable Player. The candidates include Antoine Walker, Jason Kidd, Raef LaFrentz, Shaq (the Miami Heat version), Stephon Marbury, the Phoenix Suns bench, and a bunch of other guys who really suck ass.

What are you waiting for?! Go vote!

Labels: Antoine Walker, Jason Kidd, Least Valuable Player, Phoenix Suns, Raef LaFrentz, Shaq, Stephon Marbury

Phillips Arena timekeepers NBA official Eric Lewis: This is a situation that would make Vince McMahon proud. T.J. Ford seemingly hit a game-winning layup at the buzzer -- off an amazing halfcourt lob pass from Carlos Delfino, by the way -- but after a lengthy video review, the officials determined that Ford released the shot after the clock had expired. It was on to overtime, where the Hawks prevailed over the Raptors 127-120.

Just one problem. The arena's timekeepers Referee Eric Lewis shaved 0.1 off the clock, which deprived Ford of the split second he needed -- and deserved -- to complete the play. And here's the video evidence to prove that the ball hadn't even touched T.J.'s hands with 0.4 left on teh clock, anyway. (Evidence the officials also had access to, by the way.)


Toronto fans are pissed, and they have every right to be. Here's one angry e-mail I received from Basketbawful reader Raps Gurl, which pretty much sums up how they feel about this game in the frozen north: "I am FURIOUS over the blatant cheating that went on in the Raptors loss* to the Hawks this evening. Replays CLEARLY SHOW THAT THE CLOCK WAS STARTED EARLY ON THE LAST INBOUNDS PLAY! That extra 0.1 seconds lost would have made his basket count and the Raptors would have won the game. Instead, the biased scorekeepers once again reigned and like last year the game was unfairly decided. I hope game tape is sent in by the Raptors organization and this despicable cheating in an already tarnished league is dealt with. And no, this isn't just another Raptors fan crying foul, we legitimately got ROBBED."

*If it can be called that.

On the bright side, Rasho Nesterovic hit his first ever career three-pointer last night. (By the way, thanks to Basketbawful reader Michael for alerting me to the real culprit behind this mess.)

Toronto Raptors: Yes, they got totally hosed by the time-shaving thing. However...the dinos were leading by 17 points in the third quarter before totally collapsing in the fourth, during which they hit only one shot in their last nine possessions. (Although technically they hit two shots in those nine possessions, since Ford's last-second basket should have counted. But I digress.) You've gotta close bad teams out, guys. You've gotta close out.

LeBron James, quote machine: You might want to sit down for this one. Okay. Ready? King James fouled out of a game. Yeah, I know! I guess the NBA has a secret rule that allows the refs to call fouls on him during one game every season, and last night was that game. Of course, The Chosen One was a little cranky afterwards (despite the fact that his teammates pulled out the win without him): "There were a few questionable [calls]. I know how to keep myself out of foul trouble for the most part. In my career I’ve done a great job of that." You know what his "stay out of foul trouble" secret is? Here's a hint: Being LeBron freaking James.

Sasha Pavlovic: Benched!

Daniel Gibson: Memo to Booby: Your role on this team? Shooter. And 1-for-7 (0-for-4 from beyond the arc) ain't gonna get it done. By the way, welcome back.

James Posey: He flushed in a lame "cotton candy" dunk during the first quarter that had his teammates booing him from the sideline. Weak. Hey James, I've got Bill Walton on the phone, and he wants me to tell you to THROW IT DOWN, BIG MAN!

Doc Rivers, time manager: Ray Allen is probably the most fragile of Boston's Big Three, Doc played him the most minutes by far (37). When asked why he wasn't playing Sam Cassell (who ended up with a DNP-CD), Rivers said, "I played him all night last night." Huh. I guess in Doc's world, "all night" means 14 minutes and 16 seconds out of a possible 48. Math: It makes my brain hurt.

(By the way, the bigger problem, and the reason Ray-Ray put in so many minutes, is that the Celtics kept letting the Pacers back into the game.)

The Pacers shooting: As the game dragged on, Hubie Brown kept commenting that the Pacers are one of the best three-point shooting teams in the league. But based on the way the game went -- Indiana shot 35 percent from the field and 6-for-29 from three-point range -- that's like trying to explain to your friends that you don't usually pass out and make a mess in your pants after a night of drinking. Good to know, but also kind of meaningless.

Washington Wizards: Not only did they choke up a nine-point lead in the closing minutes -- despite Agent Zero's emotional return -- they couldn't make a defensive stop with 1.1 seconds left on the clock. Oh, and the game-winner got knocked in by rookie and D-League escapee Ramon Sessions. Nobody should ever lose to a man named "Ramon" unless his first name is "Razor." And here's some extra bad news: DeShawn Stevenson rolled his ankle and Antawn Jamison hurt his shoulder diving into the crowd after a loose ball. I guess Washington signed some kind of agreement that at least two of their starting five will be out with injuries at all times.

Miami Heat Washington Generals: Good Lord, make their season stop already! (Thanks for the reminder, Carlo.)

New York Knicks: Well, now that Donnie Walsh is on board and Isiah is likely on his way out, the future is a little brighter in New York. But the present is as ugly as ever. The Knicks gave up 130 points on 60 percent shooting to...the Memphis Grizzlies. Eight [!!] Grizzlies scored in double figures, INCLUDING KWAME BROWN. I feel very unclean right now.

Golden State Warriors: Sure, they got blindsided by Dirk's unexpected return, but when you control your own postseason destiny and lose by 25 points to one of your primary competitors for one of the final two playoff spots, well, you have a pretty bleak destiny. (Did I just hear Don Nelson say "Beer me!"?)

Elton Brand: Welcome back, big guy. You were gone 74 games and yet didn't miss a beat. But...why'd you have to go and ruin your team's tanking plans? There's a lottery pick at stake, man! You're...you're not planning to opt out of your contract this summer, are you? Are you?!

Seattle To Be Named Laters: Let's see, after that 18-point home loss to the Clippers, Seattle has lost 19 of their last 21 games and would have to win their last seven -- against Houston (twice), Denver, Dallas (twice), San Antonio and Golden State -- to avoid the worst season in franchise history. So go grab a double-frapacheeny whatever the hell and some scones...it's going to be a painful last seven games.

Raef LaFrentz: Five seconds, one foul.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Doc Rivers, Elton Brand, Indiana Pacers, Lebron James, Miami Heat, New York Knicks, Sasha Pavlovic, Seattle Supersonics, Toronto Raptors, Washington Wizards

Carlos Arroyo: Where's Jameer Nelson when you really need him? Carlitos was an Albatross on offense (zero points, 0-for-5 shooting, 4 assists, 2 turnovers) and had his lunch eaten by Mo Pete (19 points, 7-for-9 shooting, 6 rebounds).

Dwight Howard: From Odenized: "The announcers bring up a good point. Dwight Howard is a threat to everyone's health: Tony Battie, Jameer Nelson, Brian Cook (broken knuckle yesterday), and now Chris Paul! Is Dwight Howard a player assassin?" Watch the video and decide for yourself. (Hint: The answer is "yes.")


Mike James: Hey you! Yeah, Mr. DNP-CD, you! How's it feel down there at the end of the Hornets' bench? But you'll always be able to relive your glorious 20 PPG season at basketball-reference.com. So you have that going for you.

New Jersey Nets: Uh, somebody needs to tell them that playing defense is part of making the playoffs. Actually, don't bother. It's probably too late, anyway.

DeSagana Diop and Trenton Hassell: Diop -- whom I've been asked to refer to as "Lasagna Slop" -- had a face-rocking line of zero points (0-for-0) and one foul in three and a half action-intolerant minutes. But at least his name isn't "Trenton." Hassell played only 36 seconds and contributed nothing but a turnover. Dallas is only 1550.78 miles from East Rutherford -- according to Mapquest, anyway -- but it's never seemed farther away. For them at least.

The "Detroit Pistons": My first instinct is to say that the Minnesota fans didn't pay to see a starting lineup that included Rodney Stuckey, Jarvis Hayes, and Theo Ratliff. But then again, after what they've been through this season, that group probably looked like the Eastern Conference All-Stars.

Minnesota Timberwolves: They choked up a 21-point second-quarter lead and eventually lost 94-90 to the "Pistons" despite the fact that Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace didn't even play. Oh, and they let Rodney Stucky play "Fourth Quarter Assassin" by dropping 12 of his career-high 27 points in the final stanza to steal the win.

Craig Smith, quote machine: The T-Wolves forward said: "We’re very disappointed we let this one go. We really beat ourselves by letting them back into the ballgame." No arguments here. Although I think you should have mentioned that your 2-for-10 shooting probably contributed to your team's collapse. But maybe I'm just picking nits. I mean, Ryan Gomes (3-for-10) and Rashad McCants (1-for-9) were just as guilty as you were.

Zach Randolph: I couldn't not mention this: New York's "big man" blocked his 13th shot of the season last night. In 61 games. Holy Christ. You'd think somebody his size would wander into that many blocks by accident. But Isiah wants you to know that Zach wasn't close to being dealt at the trade deadline or anything. As far as anybody knows.

Donnie Walsh: Hey, he doesn't know what the future holds, okay? Wait, what?! He is getting hired by the Knicks after all? Which means he was probably interviewing while still working for the Pacers? No way. I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. Actually, I kind of am. I thought Walsh had a little more class than that. But then again, Indiana has become a black hole for class the last few years, sucking it into some kind of parallel dimension where it's ritualistically tortured and destroyed. So okay, I'm not shocked anymore.

Larry Hughes: The line: 2 points, 0-for-6 shooting, zero rebounds, zero assists, 1 turnovers, and a "game over" benching with 7:08 left in the third quarter after he blew a layup and clanked an 18-foot jumper on consecutive possessions. Ben Gordan might not be smiling on the outside, but I guarantee you that he's smiling on the inside. (Although, based on Ben's 9-point, 3-for-8 shooting night, he really shouldn't be.)

Update! Benny the Bull: This just in from TrueHoop. The Chicago mascot sniped Kevin Garnett and James Posey from behind with a t-shirt cannon during the closing minutes of the Celtics/Bulls game. According to the Boston Herald report: "Garnett initially had to be restrained by a member of the officiating crew as Benny stood a safe distance away." Huh. What happens when a mascot pees themselves in terror? I guess we'd have to ask Benny that question today. This incident would have been a little more surprising if Benny hadn't gotten into a fight on The Jerry Springer Show earlier this season. Kudos to Posey (even though he sucks) for finding some humor in the situation. "I don’t know. I feel threatened. I don’t feel safe. They really have tough love here, but it was definitely an inside job. They made the mascot do it. I got hit in the back walking away. That spot on my back is sore. I might have to get treatment on it." Of course, I'm only assuming he's kidding.

Doc Rivers: I'm not saying he shouldn't be playing his big guns at all, only that he should try to work a little more leisure time into their schedule. I mean, that's why Danny Ainge signed Sam Cassell (14 minutes) and P.J. Brown (DNP-CD) for, right?

Golden State Warriors: You guys do want to make the playoffs, right? Because last night's banana peel slip against the Spurs makes me think you have a fishing trip planned. That's slightly unfair -- after all, they already have three more wins in a more competitive conference than they finished with last season -- but still. Their offense went wrong (37 percent shooting, only 8 assists to 13 turnovers), they got gangbanged on the glass (54-37), and the Spurs shot their defense full of wholes (55 percent from the field). The sad thing is, you can't exactly say they played badly, because they stuck to their usual game plan...it just didn't work. Let's face it, the Warriors live and die by a certain philosophy (a.k.a., Nellie Ball). And with the way these Western Wars are going, it looks like their headed for the "die" part.

Raja Bell: Let me put on my Hubie Brown mask. "If you're playing for a seven-deep team on the second night of an exhausting back-to-back series with a fast-paced team like the Denver Nuggets, and there's playoff positioning at stake, you cannot afford to get yourself thrown out of the game. It's careless and irresponsible. Your team needs you." Seriously, Raja. WTF?! Just for fun, and in case you haven't seen it, here's The Raja Flop.


Phoenix Suns freethrow shooting: I'm not even going to comment on the home cooking that may or may not have (it did) led to the Nuggets 47-26 advantage in freethrow attempts, but I will mention that the Suns missed 12 of the foul shots they did get. Yes, I'm looking at you, Shaq (2-for-9).

Tracy McGrady: T-Mac great game (32 points, 7 rebounds, 4 assists) ended the same way so many of his other great games have ended: With McGrady gonking a buzzer-beating jumper that would have won the game. (It's probably also worth mentioning that he shot 12-for-31 and had 5 turnovers.)

Reggie Theus, quote machine: After his Kings beat the Rockets and damaged their chances of winning the Western Conference, the Sacramento coach said: "It’s nice that we can play a role in the Western Conference. The guys understand we have a role to play. If our role is to muck it up, that’s what we’ll do. It gives us something to play for and it’s a big win for us down the stretch." Wow. Way to aim high, Reggie.

Update! Damned fools: More breaking news from TrueHoop. Okay, seriously...who gets into a fight at an autograph session? Rashard Lewis fans, apparently. Lewis and his family were taking in a show at the Medieval Times in Kissimmee when a group of teenagers asked for his autograph. One thing led to another and a "mini-riot" broke out. The police were called and they soon restored order. Fortunately for everyone involved, the only casualties were a cell phone and a camera memory card. Nobody got arrested. Lewis said he was only trying to give his fans some love. "I was just trying to be a nice guy." That'll teach him that nice guys finish last in Medieval Times mini-riots.

Labels: Detroit Pistons, Doc Rivers, Donnie Walsh, Dwight Howard, Golden State Warriors, Larry Hughes, Phoenix Suns, Raja Bell, Tracy McGrady, Zach Randolph

championship piggyback (cham'-pe-uhn-ship pig'-e-bak) noun. The situation in which one or more players -- usually roleplayers and/or aging veterans -- sign on with or get traded to a "sure bet" championship contender, often for a reduced salary, in the hopes of winning that elusive NBA title before retirement.

Usage example: Almost half of the Celtics' current roster are playing championship piggyback.

Word Trivia: By my count, the Boston Celtics are the current league leaders in championship piggybackers: Eddie House (who was practically out of the league), James Posey (who left the Heat), P.J. Brown (who left his couch), Sam Cassell (who forced the Clippers into a buyout), and Scot Pollard (is he even still playing?) all jumped onto the Celtic Championship Express. (I'm both thankful and kind of disappointed that Reggie Miller didn't do it.) The Spurs, always a highly desireable location for the CPs (who can forget Glenn Robinson celebrating the hell out of the 2005 NBA title?), has two standing examples (Brent Barry and Michael Finley) and two new additions (Damon Stoudemire and Kurt Thomas).

Of course, the most classic contemporary example of championship piggybacking was when Gary Payton and Karl Malone took huge paycuts -- GP accepted the mid-level exception and The Mailman took the veteran's minimum -- to sign with the Lakers back in 2003-04. Of course, we all know how that turned out. The irony is that Malone obviously wanted a "sure thing" but turned down an offer from the Spurs, who were the reigning champs, because he wanted to be the X Factor that pushed L.A. back over the top. Unfortunately for Malone, L.A.'s medical staff misdiagnosed his knee injury, telling him that a torn medial collateral ligament was nothing more than a sprain, which caused further injury and transformed the former NBA ironman into a shuffling, slow-footed shell of his former self. If you ever wonder why the Pistons mandhandled the Lakers in the 2004 NBA Finals, that's a big reason why.

The second most famous recent example has to be the 2005-06 Miami Heat, a team chock-full of late 90s and early 2000s All-Stars like Alonzo Mourning, Antoine Walker, Gary Payton, and Jason Williams. Yes, that abomination won the NBA title and despoiled 2000 years of human history with the words "Antoine Walker, World Champion," but this year's 13-win squad is living, breathing, sucking proof that karma is indeed a real thing. It also shows what can happen when a team mortgages its future for The Now.

The Chicago Bulls were a favored CP destination back in the 1990s, with guys like Dennis Rodman, Joe Klein, Luc Longley, Ron Harper, Steve Kerr, and even Robert Parish -- okay, that one hurt me physically -- signing on to play caddy for Michael Jordan. The Celtics and Lakers of the 80s got their fair share of piggybacking: Boston picked up guys like Bill Walton, Jerry Sichting, and Scott Wedman, and L.A. rented the services of Bob McAdoo, Mychal Thompson, and Orlando Woolridge, among others.

Oh, and let's not forget that Clyde Drexler did it with the Houston Rockets in 1994-95 -- and got a ring for his troubles -- which led both Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen to jump on the Houston rocketship in 1997-98 and 1998-99 respectively. Too bad The Dream, Sir Charles and Pip were old and used up by then. Sorry. I mean "past their prime."

Upate: Reader Jaiwanjin called me out on the following somewhat unforgivable omission: "You absolutely can't leave Mitch Richmond and the 2002 Lakers off this list. The lone bright spot for Sacramento fans seeing L.A. beat their beloved team was seeing their long time martyr dance with glee at getting his ring. They even let him play a few minutes in one of the games against New Jersey." Thanks, Jaiwanjin. You're absolutely right. My bad.

Synonyms: I created the term "championship piggyback," but I also once referred to players who do it as "championship remoras," so named after those little suckerfish that latch onto sharks, whales and other large fish in order to live off of their scraps. According to Wikipedia: "The relationship between remoras and their hosts is most often taken to be one of commensalism, specifically phoresy. The host they attach to for transport gains nothing from the relationship, but also loses little." Is there any better way to describe Glenn Robinson's stint with the Spurs back in '05, or Scot Pollard's run with the Celtics today? Personally, I don't think so.

Addendum: Here are a few notes in response to some remarks that have been posted in the comments section.

1. Championship piggybackers aren't all losers who can't play. The Rockets don't win a title without Clyde in 1995, and the Bulls don't pull of that second three-peat wtihout Rodman. But the point remains that Drexler worked to get traded to Houston and The Worm wanted to go to Chicago, and in both cases they did it for a shot at winning.

2. Reason number one is why I chose to term it "championship piggyback" instead of "championship remora." The latter term is reserved for the Glenn Robinsons and Mitch Richmonds of the world. However, good players piggyback too. Malone - who's one of my all-time favorite players - did it with the Lakers, and he had a hell of a lot left in the tank...before the Lakers' medical staff failed to properly diagnose the problem with his knee.

3. Piggybacking can happen by trade in addition to free agency. Players and their agents often work behind the scenes to work out a trade to a contender. Happens all the time.

4. Players like Cassell, Rodman, Posey, etc. may already have rings, but that doesn't mean they don't want more. If Cassell didn't care about winning another title, why not just finish out the year as a Clipper and then retire? He wants to go out on top. Posey got a taste of winning with the Heat, concluded those days were over in Miami, and jumped ship to the next best championship option.

Houston was struggling when Clyde got there, but mostly due to injuries. And he believed that, with The Dream in his prime, they could win the big one together...and he was never going to win it in Portland. He's said this.

Pippen's tank wasn't empty in 1998-99, but he had back and leg issues and wasn't the explosive force he had been in the early and mid-90s. He did sign for big $$, but I only said "often at a reduced salary." And there's no question he chose Houston at that time because he thought Pip + Dream + Barkley = Title. No question.

The KG situation was close, but the Celtics had won 24 games the previous season and Pierce and Allen have never been anywhere close to a championship. When Clyde, then later Barkley and Pippen, went to Houston, that team had won a title with Hakeem. Garnett's trade was more of a gamble. But it's a close one.

One last note: Barry and Finley are indeed valuable roleplayers with the Spurs. But, as noted, piggybackers aren't always useless slobs. They sometimes contribute greatly to the cause. However, there's no question that Finley went to the Spurs, and Barry recently returned, because they felt as though it was the best systerm for them and held the greatest chance for winning another title.

Labels: Boston Celtics, Chicago Bulls, Gary Payton, Glenn Robinson, Karl Malone, Los Angeles Lakers, Word of the Day

Hedo Turkoglu cordially invites you to visit Peja Stojakovic's man region, and Peja's welcoming expression seems to say: "Go to that fertile land of gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow." Or something. Thanks to Ben Q. Rock of the Third Quarter Collapse for the keeping a keen eye on the NBA's foreign groins.


Go here for a larger verson. You know, in case you want to get a better look at Peja's stretching technique.

Labels: fan submissions, Hedo Turkoglu, man love, Peja Stojakovic

Life is funny. Sometimes you find something awesome, and sometimes something awesome finds you. In this case, a little of both happened when our good friend Evil Ted stumbled across this Steve Nash bobblepop doll at a Blockbuster video in Oak Park, Illinois. A bargain at only $5 plus tax? Absolutely.

Now, I'm only guessing this doll is supposed to be Steve Nash because it's wearing a Phoenix Suns jersey with a number 13 on it...just like Captain Canada himself. But this might be a pretty big assumption considering the fact that "Nash" looks like the mutant love child of Pee-wee Herman and Annie Lennox. Which, come to think of it, pretty much means it just looks like Annie Lennox. You think I'm kidding? No way. And I can assure you that sweet dreams are not made of these.


Also take note of the raised, Cro-Magnon Neanderthal brow. It's like the first mold was supposed to be one of those Geico cavemen and somebody said, "No, wait, that looks more like NBA superstar Steve Nash! Let's go with it!" And I haven't even told you the best part yet. Remember how I called it a "bobblepop" doll? This means that the doll does more than just shake its disturbing little head while those stunning blue eyes stare directly into your very soul. It also "transforms" into a lollipop. But not just any old lollipop. It becomes the freakiest NBA-licensed lollipop ever. And I have the photographic evidence necessary to back up that claim.


That's right, folks. For only the aforementioned $5 plus tax, you too can lick on delicious candy that's jutting straight out of Steve Nash's nether regions. Seriously, though, couldn't they have at least left his shorts on or something? I'm a big fan and all that, but even I don't want to look down at Nash's bare legs while enjoying a sugary confection. It truly gives new meaning to the term "sucker."

And lest you think this is just my sorry attempt at an April Fool's gag and/or another penis joke, here's the proof that this is indeed an officially-sanctioned piece of NBA merchandise.

Labels: bobbleheads, creepy, licensed products, Steve Nash

Note: I know the Bulls didn't play last night. But the world needed to see this picture, and I needed to be the one to show it to them. (Are they high-fiving or preparing to crush Ben Gordan's head? This answer may surprise you: They're going to crush Ben's head with a high-five. Crazy, huh?)

Andrea Bargnani: Mr. Former Number One Overall Draft Pick had a rather painful night off the bench: Zero points (0-for-2), 2 rebounds, and 1 foul in seven minutes. At this point, he can only dream of being as good as Rasho Nesterovic's alien clone (see below).

Atlanta Hawks: The dirty birds almost let the Memphis Grizzlies rally back from a 38-point deficit. That's not good. Now tell me again why these guys are so determined to make the playoffs?

ESPN's Daily Dimers: Another gem from ESPN's Daily Dime, as spotted by the eagle-eyed reader Josh from Dinosty: "Raptors. Bobcats. Chris Paul. Can you explain what the three of these things have in common? Another error in the Daily Dime? You win!" Take a look for yourself, or go here for a larger version. Update: An anonymous poster had this to say: "The ESPN Daily Dime had a picture of Chris Paul because that section was once about him and his record breaking assist month. The only issue...Deron Williams had 12 more assists than him in the month. So instead of switching over and giving Deron credit they changed it. Where's the love for Deron?" Well, we did know why the picture of Paul was there...we just thought it looked odd because of the lead-in. But you do make an excellent point. Deron gets no love. Why is that? 'Cause Jerry Sloan won't let him get jiggy with it, that's why.


Jason Kapono: Not only did he lose his starting job to Jamario Moon, he didn't even get off the bench against the Bobcats. Sadly, he now has more DNP-CDs in the last five games than points: One.

Enver Nuggets: The Nuggmiesters wasted a 22-point lead by allowing the Suns to go supernova on them. Phoenix blew up for 81 points in the second half and outscored Denver 46-25 in the fourth quarter...and the Suns did it with only seven men! And I know this team can put up points against anybody, but allowing a 37-point turnaround when you're trying to claw yourself into the playoffs isn't the sign of an playoff-quality defense. The key of the game: The Suns committed only 10 turnovers, and we all know that turnovers are the Nuggets' bread and butter. The bad news: The loss dropped Denver from a seventh-place tie to ninth and, effectively, out of the playoffs. For today, anyway. The good news: They get another shot at the Suns tonight in Denver. And, as I mentioned, the Suns only played seven men, and Grant Hill is in the repair shop this week.

Jermaine O'Neal: He's back! The question is: Why would he return now after missing 33 straight games with a bruised knee just to play the last handful of meaningless regular season games? I have no idea. Wait, what? He can use an Early Termination Option in his contract to become an unrestricted free agent this summer? Oooooh. I get it.

Jose Calderon: The way that Jose volunteered to come off the bench -- despite the fact that he'd been playing like an All-Star for months -- was both brave and selfless. And potentially damaging to his career, apparently. His line against the Bobcats was: 1 point (0-for-2), 1 assist, and 3 fouls in 17 minutes. But the Raptors won, so he has that going for him.

Kwame Brown: Last night, he collected his seventh consecutive DNP-CD. Funny how he got more PT on a better team when he was playing with the Lakers.

Los Angeles Clippers: As Matt from Hardwood Paroxysm said in an e-mail: "6:07 in the third quarter, the Clippers are shooting 30 percent. It's really hard to type with all this blood coming out of my eyes."

Miami Heat: It's a travesty. It's a mockery. It's a...wait for it...a traveshamockery. Let's just rename them the Washington Generals for the rest of the season and be done with it.

Mike D'Antoni: He managed to coach his team back from a 22-point deficit to a 15-point win over a conference rival and thus pulled his team into a tie for the division lead and within one game of the conference lead. Here's the "but." D'Antoni rode his starters hard and put them away wet to get 'er done, and they play again in Denver tonight. Technically, he used eight men against the Nuggets, but it was effectively seven men since D.J. Strawberry logged only 36 seconds of PT. I'm not saying they can't win, but I wouldn't want to drag a tired Shaq and company into Denver's thin air on the second night of back-to-backs when most of the main guys are sure to be exhausted.

Rasho Nesterovic's alien abductors: Check out his game log, and then check out his splits. Something fishy happened around the first of March, and I'm certain a Martian anal probe was involved. I mean, from 4 PPG and 3 RPG to 14 RPG and 7 RPG? We need to go kill this doppleganger before he has a chance to lay space pods.

Update: Shaq the seven-foot point guard: I guess the Big Ball-Handler's been drinking some of Zach Randolph's special sauce. From Odenized.


The Monday Night Minutemen: Basketbawful reader Kevin Li pointed out that playing time for a certain group of "not-so-merry men." Said Kevin: "First we start off with our perpetual trillion-star Mario West, who logged one minute and 55 seconds of complete nothingness. Then we have Marcus Williams of the Dallas Mavericks, who somehow logged a grand total of three seconds. Finally we have the Denver Nuggets, who had THREE players post some epic stats: Yakhouba Diawara logged a dizzying 23 seconds on the hardwood, Steven Hunter "outperformed" him with a whopping 37 seconds, and leading the way for these two essential cogs of the Denver squad is Chucky Atkins with one minute and 19 seconds of on-court spectatorship."

Washington Wizards: Their 42-point loss to the Jazz is mitigated by the fact that they were finishing up a five-game Western Conference road trip without just one night after a tough overtime loss to the Lakers. Oh, and Caron Butler missed the game with a strained hammy. But they still lost by 42, the entire Jazz team went off (60 percent shooting, 57 percent from downtown, 40 assists on 50 baskets, and a 40-23 rebounding edge), and C.J. Miles walked all over them (29 points, 12-for-17 shooting). Worse yet, they're in real danger of slipping down to the 6th or 7th seed if they don't get their act together.

Yahoo edit checkers: Basketbawful reader Rob sent me an e-mail with the following subject line: "The MVP is a Dick." At first, I thought maybe the NBA had named Kobe the MVP a few weeks early, but I was wrong. Rob was talking about the following sentence from Yahoo's recap of the Mavs/Clippers game: "They’re also having difficulty putting away teams with losing records while reigning MVP Dick Nowitzki is out with an injury." Wow, what a boner, huh? You can also view the gaffe here in case they actually change it.

Labels: Atlanta Hawks, Denver Nuggets, ESPN, Jermaine O'Neal, Los Angeles Clippers, Miami Heat, Mike D'Antoni, Phoenix Suns, Washington Wizards, Yahoo